It's time

After much consideration, I've decided it's time to call it quits with Bright Blessings. The website will come down after Oct. 31, and the Etsy shop will be put on vacation. I'll probably reopen briefly once I see what I have on hand after Oct. 31, just to list all the in-stock items and try to clear them out, and after that, I'll be on vacation for an indefinite length of time. After that, this will be strictly a hobby for me - no more selling. For one, I've got two kids who will only be little once, and for two, I think the good Lord is trying to tell me that this isn't how He intends to provide for us. I don't know how He *does* intend to provide for us, but I don't have to know that, I don't reckon.

Decisions, decisions

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you probably know that Bright Blessings Candles is my little attempt at a business. I've just about reached the conclusion that it's not meant to be. I've never done much in the way of sales. People seem to like my things when they buy them or receive them as gifts or in swaps, but the word of mouth just never seems to travel as far or as fast as I've seen it do with other e-tailers. My supplies and my inventory take up a lot of space in the house, and for the tiny return I'm seeing on the investment of time and effort and cash, it's just not worth it to stay open. I'd hoped this might be at least a nice sideline that gave off a reasonable amount of income, but it seems that God is telling me (and has been for some time) that this isn't a way in which He intends to provide for us.

So, I can keep this as my hobby, make things for personal use and for gifts, and take down the business. I can sell off my inventory and close up the Etsy shop and the website and call it a day. The question now is, when? On one hand, I'd thought about sticking it out through the holidays and seeing how things go. I've signed up to be in The Little Black Box in November, and I could go through with that, see if it brings in any new business. But then I think, I've done sample boxes before, and it doesn't bring a lot of business my way. And even if it did, do I want a rush of orders at the holiday season, when I'm trying to do things with and for my family? I just don't think it's meant to be. I had a special in my Etsy shop last night, sent out my newsletter, posted about it on two message boards that I'm on, and had exactly two orders. Fifty-eight visits, and two orders. Perhaps that should be some kind of sign to me. It doesn't matter if I have the best product ever, if no one buys it, it doesn't do me any good and it's not worth selling.

So. I'm leaning to just selling off inventory and excess supplies now and being done with it. I can then reclaim the space in my house that's now going to store all this stuff, and I can stop feeling like I have to be making something in my free time. If this were my job, that would be one thing. But with work and commuting and trying to be a good wife and a good mother to two boys, it's too much. The only question is, how long do I keep trying? It may be time to pack it in.

ETA: I went back and read, and I've been running around in this particular circle since 2008, "should I stay or should I go now?" It's just not worth continuing to anguish it. I think it's time to call it quits.

Just feeling overwhelmed

Not so much with newborn stuff, per se. Rhys is doing quite well for being less than a month old. My only real gripe is that he tends to have a longish stretch of being awake (and fussy) late in the day, at the same time I'm usually trying to get Julian settled. Julian has a hard time settling and sleeping if Rhys is crying, and in the late evening, Rhys usually is crying. I'm feeling especially anxious this evening, as Brian went back to choir practice and this is my first time to handle bedtime for both boys by myself. I'm worried that no one will be in bed and I'll be ready to drink heavily by the time Brian gets home.

I also find myself worrying about finances. We've been tithing faithfully for several months now, and I know God promises to meet our needs if we are faithful to Him. And thus far, no needs have gone unmet. Sometimes they're met at the last minute and with a whole lot of pinching and scraping and scrambling, but they've been met. Now we're adding all the expenses of a new baby to the household - diapers, formula, daycare once my maternity leave is over. We're always cutting it fine just before payday, and I find myself wondering where the money will come from. I'm not sure what else we can cut from our budget, and I guess I'll have to get better with using coupons and finding ways to economize on things we need. I'm trying to keep the faith here, but it scares me. I feel like I've been chasing my tail financially ever since I married Julian's dad, because once we got married, things just went downhill, and I'm still trying to dig my way out from that. But I know God had a plan when He blessed us with Rhys, and I can't believe He'd give Rhys to us and not provide a way for us to make ends meet. It just makes me nervous not knowing what that way may be, and it makes me more nervous given that Brian and I both have full-time employment already, and I know not to expect any raises or bonuses at my job. It also seems like any financial news is always negative, like the fact that Brian will owe $500 and change for his new CPAP machine. Sure, we can pay it out over time, but it's one more thing to add to the list of People We Owe Money To, and it feels like that list just never seems to get any shorter, you know? Just once, I wish financial news would be good, like "you've won enough in the lotto to pay off your house note". I'm not greedy, we don't have to win the Mega Millions jackpot - I'd be thrilled if we did win just enough to pay off the house note.

And then there's the whole job situation. I like my job well enough most days. I like my manager, he's a good guy. I like my co-workers. Hate my commute, hate the fact that it takes me away from home for pretty much twelve hours out of every day, but it is what it is. I just don't think I'm truly suited for corporate America, and it kills me to have to tell Julian (and knowing that one day I'll be telling Rhys), "I'm sorry, sweetie, Mama can't come to such-and-such at school because I have to work." And while I do like my job well enough, it's just that - a job. I'm fairly competent at it, but I'm not passionate about it. I can't fathom having a job I'm passionate about. I can't even think of anything that I'm passionate about that would ever come close to making me any money. I guess I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, and not having much success. I'd make a change if I could think of something to change to. But I've likely been out of the legal arena long enough to disqualify myself from most legal jobs, and honestly, there are a lot of jobs in the legal arena that I wouldn't want anyway. I'd love something closer to home, but the options just aren't here - not that I know of, anyway. I'd really love to find something that would allow me to work from home, but I can't think of anything that 1) would replace my current salary, and 2) wouldn't require me to invest time and money (both of which are currently in short supply) in further education/certification/something to get started on a different path. I find myself wondering what I was thinking when I made the choices I did when I was younger, how might things be different had I chosen differently, and sometimes (like right now) it just makes me want to cry.

Then there's my own personal wallow in the pity pit. I've mentioned Bright Blessings before - it's my little sideline/expensive hobby, on hold for now until I feel like I can maybe make a decent showing of it. I've still got my Etsy shop, but haven't sold anything recently. I'm on a couple of boards that deal with, among other things, bath and beauty-type stuff, and I see people starting their Etsy shops all the time and selling things like gangbusters. I find myself wondering something similar to what Melinda wondered here - is my fairly significant lack of success God's way of trying to tell me I'm spinning my wheels trying to ever make anything of Bright Blessings, either on my own site or on Etsy? I see others succeeding where I have not, or at least making a reasonably good showing of their businesses, and I find myself thinking that I must be doing something wrong. I like making candles and scrubs and what have you, and when people have ordered in the past, they seemed to like what they got. Bright Blessings has just never taken off, really. So that's rolling around in my head, too.

I'll have to post later and share some happy things, since I've been such a Debbie Downer here. I just needed to get it all off my chest.

Bloggy Carnival!!!

The giveaway is now CLOSED. Thanks to everyone who participated!

Yes, it's that time again - time for the quarterly Bloggy Carnival! I had such fun with the last one, I thought I'd do another giveaway this time.

Up for grabs: a $50 gift certificate to Bright Blessings Candles. Fall scents are up right now, and I'm working on holiday surprises. Be one of the first to get a sneak preview of the holiday goodies that await!

The contest will run until 11:59 PM on Friday, October 31. Just leave a comment to enter, and a winner will be selected from all comments posted. You don't have to be a blogger to win, but if you aren't a blogger and I can't contact you that way, please leave a valid e-mail address. It would be a bummer to win but miss out because I don't have a way to let you know! I use a random number generator to select the winner, and I'll post the winner here by 8:00 PM on Sunday, November 2.

Good luck!

A lot on my mind

Well, there still hasn't been any word from any school districts in the area. Not sure what's up with that. But Brian does have an interview next week with Lone Star. Yay? Eek? I waffle between really hoping it works out and thinking, "oh, crap, what will we do if it works out?!" He'll go down there next Wednesday night and go out to Lone Star for his five-day interview/training on Thursday morning. It's my understanding that once he's done with the five days, if he likes them and they like him, they'll hammer out the details and settle on a start date right then. If he gets it, there will definitely be some adjustments to be made and some changes to get used to. But Brian and I talked, and we think that him finding something that brings in some income, to get our finances more secure, is essential right now. If it makes for some weird logistics, so be it. I just hope that, if he does get the job, my work will work with me to figure out a schedule for Brian's "on" days that allows me to get J to and from school on time and still take the bus. If I have to go back to driving on days Brian isn't here, 1) I won't like going back to driving because taking the bus is so much less stressful, and 2) I'll be really annoyed that I'll have paid for a bus pass and still end up paying for parking half the time. But we're not there yet, so I won't waste energy getting annoyed right now.

The timing of the interview could be better. Brian had asked about the possibility of going this week, but that wouldn't have given Lone Star time to get his background check done. So, next Thursday through the following Monday it is. Brian will miss Meet the Teacher night and the first day of school, but it is what it is. The more I think about it, the more I really hope this does work out, inconvenient logistics notwithstanding. If it doesn't, we really don't have any other options right now. And that just won't do.

And on a somewhat related note - the topic of having kids. Brian has no kids of his own, and had previously said he'd really like to try to have at least one. We went out to dinner on Friday - it had been a bit of a discouraging week, and we figured a beer (for him) and a margarita (for me) were in order. We had a good talk, specifically on the topic of having kids. He said that while yes, he'd like to have one, he's kind of the school of thought that if it happens, it happens. He said that on one hand, he wanted us to try as much for a child as K and I did to get J here, to make it fair, but he said he knew that wouldn't be any way to go into it if I were only going through it to be "fair". I told him how I felt about not being sure that I could go through all the poking and prodding and testing again, not having any guarantee of success, and that I already knew I wouldn't go any farther than I'd done with J - I'm not going the route of injectables and IVF, I just can't. I told him that I worry, too, about the higher potential for problems, either for me or for a baby, now that I'm 40. I also pointed out the likely difficulties I'd have with getting any kind of understanding from my work for appointments - if I'm pregnant, sure, they'll likely be understanding of that, but fertility treatments/trying to get pregnant? There'd be a lot of appointments for testing, and I can see work saying that that was a voluntary thing and not cut me much slack at all. So there's that to consider, too. I think at this point, we're both of the opinion that if it happens, it happens and we'll be glad, but we're not taking any extraordinary measures to make it happen. Once Brian is working and we might have a little extra money for out of pocket expenses, that may change. But right now, we're not doing anything in terms of medical intervention, and we're good with that.

Tying that in to the Lone Star interview - how funny would it be (and I don't mean funny ha-ha) if God, in His infinite wisdom, decided that now would be a perfect time for me to get pregnant? I think I'd pull my hair out. I'd be excited, and scared, and all that good stuff, but I'd pull my hair out in absolute frustration at the timing, especially if Brian gets the job. But again, I'll jump off that bridge if I get to it. I'm not there yet.

J went to Six Flags with K and A and his four stepsiblings yesterday. Given his reluctance to try things most kids would consider great fun, I was a little worried about how it might turn out. I wasted a good worry. He did whine initially that he didn't want to try this, that or the other thing, but once he got on the bumper cars, that was all it took. He was hooked. J told me last night that he was tall enough to ride the Texas Giant. I asked him if he rode it, and he said, "No, but I'm tall enough to ride it if I want to." LOL I'm glad he had a good time, and I'm glad that he seems to be realizing it's OK for him to do that, to spend time with his dad and enjoy himself and come home and tell me what he did. K loves J and wants very much to be part of his life, and I want to encourage that, and it makes things so much easier on both of us if J can go with his dad without crying and getting upset over leaving me.

And now for something completely different: Bright Blessings has an Etsy shop! If you're unfamiliar with Etsy, it's a super online marketplace where you can find all sorts of handmade goodies for sale. Clothes, bath and body, candles, paper goods, jewelry, artwork, Etsy's got it. All the items listed in Bright Blessings' shop are in stock and ready for immediate shipment. I'll be putting up more goodies in the next couple of weeks, including bubble bars, scrubs, wax tarts, and all sorts of things in fall and holiday preview scents. Go take a look around - feel free to buy, or just send me a convo and say hi and tell me you saw the link on my blog! :-) I'm pretty excited about it.

Moving on to another tangent, have you ever checked out Craigslist? If not, give it a look and see if there's one specific to your area. We've found some really good things on there lately. Brian got something like 150 board feet of nice cedar wood for free, all he had to do was go get it, and a big load of dirt for our front yard for free, again just for the going to get it. He got a new Ryobi circular saw, in the box, for $50 and a fabulous leather jacket for $30. I've sold a few things on there myself. Check it out, you never know what you might find!

Is having a choice important to you?

http://www.indiebusinessblog.com/indie_business/2008/06/stop-the-fda-gl.html

Read about the proposed FDA Globalization Act of 2008, watch the video, and please sign the petition asking to stop this legislation. If it passes as it's drafted, it would end up requiring way more fees and paperwork than most small bath/body/cosmetics businesses could handle, and would put a lot of small companies out of business. Let the market decide what sells and what doesn't, and don't let that choice be taken away or curtailed by needless government regulations.

Wouldn't it be nice if this was right?

Today's online fortune cookie:

"Your enterprise will bring great profit."

Well, that would be a dandy way to start the new year! My experience with Black Friday sales has been very enlightening. I didn't get vast quantities of orders - barely in the double digits. But for me, as a one-woman show, trying to work around my day job and motherhood, it's more than enough to keep me hopping. In the interest of keeping my products top quality and keeping turnaround time reasonable, I'm going to cut my scent list back a good bit after the first of the year. Having orders for tarts in forty or fifty different scents, one or two of each, is tough on me. You can't make just one tart at a time, so I end up making at least half a pound's of wax worth (about four tarts, or two tarts and two batches of tiny twinkles), and hope the ones not needed right then sell at some point. So I end up making forty or fifty batches of tarts, using a lot of wax, and possibly ending up with a lot of excess inventory. Yep, definitely a learning experience. But hopefully cutting down on the number of scents will help with that.

It's been a day at work. I spent the morning getting stuff ready for committee review this afternoon, and then I got to go to the Dallas Estate Planning Council meeting for lunch and a presentation. Free lunch - always good. Free CLE (continuing legal education) hours for listening to the presentation - even better. The meeting turned out to be longer than we'd thought - lunch from 12:00 to 12:30 and then the presentation from 12:30 to 2:30, instead of the usual one-hour presentation. Good for me, that means one more hour of CLE credit than I expected. The speaker was really good, and seeing her talk reinforces for me that it's a good idea that I never went into private practice. I'm just not convinced I have the personality for it.

And now it's after 3:00 and I'm trying to motivate myself to be wildly productive. Ha, ha. Wish me luck.

Not tonight

I'm not making tarts tonight. I'm cleaning up the kitchen, taking a big ol' bath, having a glass of eggnog, reading a bit, and calling it a night. Tomorrow I'll have to work double-hard, but tonight I need the break.

Monday miscellanea

The day started with a bang. We overslept - always a good start to the day. I got J to school on time, then realized I'd left my purse at home, so I had to go back and get it. Traffic in downtown Dallas, and most especially in our parking garage, was like idiots on parade - I just love it when you've got one really.poky.person at the front of a line of about fifteen cars all trying to get into the garage, and that one poky person must try to squeeze his or her car into EVERY.ITTY.BITTY.SPACE they find. Whoops, the car doesn't fit, let me back out and p-o-k-e around to a lower level to try again. I'm thinking, just go down to level F already, there's always plenty of parking there! So, the morning was off to a zippy start, and I was wishing for a redo by about 9 AM.

Then I found out I was going to be priority one for taking calls for our sister team while they were out on their team outing. I HATE taking calls. Loathe it with a deep and undying passion. I do it because I have to, because it's part of my job, but it's sure not my favorite thing, and I really don't want to be a priority one any more often than I absolutely must. (I'm usually a priority four for our team, and I take very few calls, which suits me just fine.) And naturally, this was the afternoon the crazy man called. A lot. I was hung up on two times, a couple of my other teammates were hung up on a couple of times, and finally, the third time I got the call, he let me transfer him to a manager to discuss his issue. He then proceeded to hang up on her. Good times!

I've made three batches of tarts tonight: Lavender Flowers, Fudge Brownie Buttercream, and Wildberry Crisp. J now wants to help me make tarts. I've let him mix color and/or fragrance into the melted wax, but only with very close supervision. My busy, easily distracted little boy and a pot of melted wax just screams of the possibility of disaster if I turn my head for a second, so I don't. But I hate to tell him a flat-out "no" when he so very much wants to help. Thankfully, he loses interest after just a little bit, and I can breathe again.

Darling, I forgive you everything,
Anything is better than to be alone
In the end I guess I had to fall,
Always find my place among the ashes

Can you imagine being so afraid of being alone that you'd make a really bad decision? I think that's what K has done. I think he let his fear of being alone override the red flags he may have seen when he was dating A, and married her anyway, and I'm afraid that now he's realizing he's not happy, he's made a mistake. I may not be married to him anymore, but I don't want to see him miserable (and I also don't want to see J miserable when it comes time to spend time with his father). I hope he can find the wherewithal to either make things work (which would also require A's participation - I know from experience that one person can't fix a marriage alone) or to make a break if things can't be fixed. I hope his worries over being alone don't lead him to stay in a situation where he isn't happy. Life is both too short and too long to let yourself be miserable.

The Little Black Box

Lookit!!!! I'm on the list!!!!

http://thelittleblackboxes.com/etailers.html

The listing for Bright Blessings is a good way down the page, but it's there! I hope people who get boxes with my stuff in there like what I sent. Eeek!!!!

We have liftoff!

My website is up and running. Bright Blessings Candles is officially open for business!

So far I've gotten really good reviews on everything. It's exciting, and a little scary, too. Yikes. I'm still sort of in shock that I can make things that people actually LIKE. The possibilities are mind-boggling. OK, I don't expect to rival Yankee Candles or Bath & Body Works anytime soon. But maybe I can get to the point where I make enough extra money to really help out the family finances. I'm hopeful, anyway!

A little shameless self-promotion

I'm trying to start up my own little business, making wax tarts - you know, the things you melt over a tealight or in an electric burner to scent your house and make it smell yummy good. I've had a surprising amount of interest thus far, and if it continues, I'll get my website back up ASAP. I've had the domain name for over a year now, I just hadn't done anything with it. My little proprietorship is Bright Blessings Candles, and here are some pics of my tarts:









They're 2 ounces each, and right now I've got Red Velvet Cake and Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie in stock. I'm working on a full scent list, and I'm glad to take custom orders if anyone is interested. I'm about to order more wax, but fortunately my supplier is here close by, so it doesn't take but a couple of days to get here.

I'm so excited about the possibilities!!! I don't expect tarts in and of themselves will ever bring in enough money to let me quit my day job, but I'm hoping I can eventually make enough to replace the income I lost when my transcription gig went away.

Much to write about, I'll update more (with pics!) later.