This is my new favorite song

I heard this song on KLTY this morning. It so speaks to my life and where I am right now, and it's my new favorite. It's called "This is the Stuff", by Francesca Battistelli.



Here are the lyrics, in case you couldn't quite make them out in the song:

I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

Oh Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff You use

Since I last posted, I've lost my job. Talk about the stuff that drives me crazy and things getting under my skin. I'm having to really trust that God knows exactly what He's doing, and that this is not, in fact, the end of the world. It's going to be a learning and growing experience, for sure. And somehow, I think I'll be listening to this song quite a lot.

Living in God's will

We're having a revival at church this week. The evangelist speaking is Rick Coram. Let me tell you, when he brings the Word of God, it is BROUGHT. I've been there working in the a/v booth the past two nights, and God can definitely use him to get someone's attention.

Sunday night's sermon was great - the topic was "Do You Live In A Strong House?" I may talk more about that later, but tonight, I want to talk a little bit about tonight's message.

Brother Rick preached on Jonah 1:1-3. Y'all may remember the story of Jonah from Sunday school, how he didn't do what God asked and ended up being swallowed by a fish and staying there for 3 days and 3 nights. The point of tonight's message was that if you aren't living in God's will, it's going to be a rough go for you.

I thought about this particularly in relation to my job. I've done a whole bunch of whining about not liking my job, wanting a new job, and so on and so forth. Last week God really smacked me upside the head about it. I whined and complained and wondered why God hadn't opened any doors for me to get out of this place where I've been so miserable, and He hit me right between the eyes: Lisa, you're there because that's where I want you right now. So I had to apologize to God for being such a whiny pants, and for letting the fact that I didn't like where I was and didn't want to be there keep me from doing my absolute best (because if I'm completely honest with myself, I haven't been doing my best). So, hearing tonight's message confirmed for me that things have been miserable for so long there because I've been doing what Jonah did - running from God, telling Him, "no, I don't want to do this, give me something else to do instead". It also confirmed for me that right now, yes, here IS exactly where He wants me, and when He's ready for me to be somewhere else, He'll make it so. Until then, it's up to me to do the best job I can and to be thankful that I know I'm in good hands, even if it's not where I'd choose to be if it were left totally up to me.

As our associate pastor says, "All the time God is good, and God is good all the time." He is, for a fact. I may still grumble about my job from time to time (don't we all?), but the whining will be reduced to a bare minimum. I'm thankful that, in this at least, I'm living right where God wants me to be - in His will.

So much to write about, I really don't know where to start!

Lots has been going on since I really took time to blog last. I'll think of things I'd like to talk about during the day (while I'm at work and can't get to my blog), but by the time I get home, either I forget or I'm just too tired to make the effort. That's pretty sad!

Speaking of work, let's start there. I'm not real happy at my current job - it's a field I've landed in due to career choices that seemed like good ideas at the time, and it's not where I think I want to be. I work in an industry that's been dinged a lot by the federal government lately, and that's kind of scary, because who knows what "interventions" they may decide on in the future and how that might affect jobs. There continue to be murmurings that more layoffs may be possible, and we're told that we really need to step it up (this when we've already taken on a lot more responsibility from other departments within the company, we're working short-handed, and we're learning several different new systems at the same time). I'm already stressed, both by work and by things going on in my life outside of work, and this just adds to it. I'm the main breadwinner for our family (my husband is working full-time, loves his job, but I make more) and I carry the insurance for our boys, so it's not like I can just chuck it if I can't take it anymore.

I'm not averse to changing directions entirely - I'm considering several things I think I could do and be good at. The thing is, they all seem to require more education, and our budget just doesn't have an extra few thousand dollars in it for me to throw at education. I've got a law degree, but I'm not cut out to practice law, and I've been out of the practice of law so long, I'm not sure I'd even get a second glance for any "traditional" legal position.

I would love, love, love something where I can work from home, have more flexibility with my family. There was a time in my life when I thought I'd never get married, never have kids. Now I have a wonderful family, and it's killing me that I can't do for them like I wish I could. It kills me to not be able to be there for my kids like my mom was for me. My older son was sick earlier this year, and had to stay home for several days. I had to tell him that no, I wouldn't be the one staying home with him because I had to go to work, I didn't have time to take off, dad will be home with you. I can't stand missing field trips and parties and volunteer opportunities at school. And I'll have to go through it all again with my younger son as he gets older unless something changes in a big way.

It doesn't help that my mom stayed home after they adopted me and kept an immaculate house and put hot meals on the table every day in addition to being there for most everything I did. I'm doing good if I get breakfast at all, and if it's a good day, there will be Pop-Tarts in the house so my older son can eat one in the car on the way to school. And logically I know that with me working full-time, I can't do all that she did. I just hate it that the situation is such that I'll probably never have the chance to do for my family like she did for hers.

I hate my schedule. I hate that most days I have to wake my kids up before the sun is up to get them to where they need to be. I hate that by the time I get home, my baby is getting tired and cranky, and it's a challenge to get dinner and bath in before he's a raging grump. And some nights it takes so long to get dinner on the table that he's screaming all the way through it while we try to bolt down our meals so that we can take care of him.

I'm not cut out for corporate America. I don't give a rat's patoot about dressing up in a suit for work and wearing heels and moving up the ladder, having a schmancy job with a schmancy title and a big corner office. Do. Not. Care. I want to have a job that gives me some flexibility in my schedule, pays me enough to meet my family's needs, and where I occasionally hear that yes, I am doing a good job instead of just hearing about all the things I do wrong. I honestly don't even care if there's room for advancement, as long as it's something I can stick with for the long term (and if it gives me flexibility for family, I think I could stick with most anything). If I could go back in time, I'd tell my college-age self to steer clear of law school, stick it out with a science major or go into computers, and maybe have a shot at doing something I enjoy that might be a little more flexible.

It feels like I'm missing out on the most important things in my life, the most important people in my life, and I feel powerless to stop it or change it or make it better. I hate that.

I pray about this. Daily. Hourly. All the time. I'm sure I've made choices in life (choices in my education, my career) where I didn't truly seek God's will or didn't pay attention when He told me which way I should go, and I've ended up here as the result of some of those choices. I'm just praying that I haven't gotten myself into a position where God is going to leave me for a while, and if I am meant to be here even longer, I hope it's not God's way of telling me, "See, you should have talked to Me first, you didn't, and so now I'm just going to let you stew for a while." If God wants me elsewhere, I'm praying that He'll open a door and soon. If it means I need more education/certification, I'm glad to do it if He'll provide the resources, because I sure can't dig out money for any education on my own, not with what I have now. If it means I just need to wait until the right opportunity comes along, then I need the stamina to bear up here, especially on days like today where it feels well nigh unbearable. I know we may never know God's reasons for doing things one way or the other, but I sure wish I knew why He's kept me here for nearly six years now, and I wish I had an inkling of how much longer He might keep me here, and for what purpose. It might make those unbearable days a little bit easier.

If you, dear reader, could spare a prayer, I'd appreciate it. If God wants me to stay where I am (which He's clearly wanted for the last six years, as I'm sure there are days, weeks and months where I stayed only by His grace), then He needs to give me strength to do my job to the best of my abilities, and if He wants me somewhere else, He needs to open a door and point me toward it and work that all out.

Body image, blessings and God's love

I've had a lot of things going on in my life the past few years that haven't been exactly fun to deal with, and some days it's really easy for me to get down and to forget to count my blessings. So....

There was a discussion about body image on a board I frequent. One poster made the point that a healthy body image is one where we honor God foremost, eating right and exercising, but not to excess.

And this got me to thinking. I'm certainly nowhere near my ideal weight. I've tried more weight loss plans than I care to think about, and there's no nice way around it, I'm fat. When I started thinking about the body image discussion, I thought, wow, I'm really not doing a good job of honoring God by the way I take care of my body.

And that got me around to the blessing part. I'm not perfect, not by a long shot. I don't always succeed at honoring God in all areas of my life. My dress size will attest to that. And yet, in spite of my imperfections, He loves me so much that He sent His son to die on a cross and give me the gift of eternal life.

For God so loved the world (that includes me! Lisa!) that He sent His only begotten son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. --John 3:16

Even with all the messy things this world can throw at me, I am blessed indeed.

A little bit of relief

So today I got in touch with the guy we've been working with on the mortgage restructuring. He needed some more information from us, and said he's pretty sure the lender will be willing to work with us. Praise God, what an answer to prayer! Brian and I have talked, and we're going to make good use of whatever time this gets for us to really work on cleaning up the house, fixing things up, decluttering in a major way, and getting it ready to sell. We figure we'll be better off selling out of this one, getting out from under the huge mortgage we face now, and buying something a little older, a little smaller, a little more cost-efficient (9- and 10-foot ceilings look pretty, but they are a huge energy suck when you're trying to cool off in a Texas summer - and for someone as short as). We can use whatever equity is left in this one to put toward a new house, and then get a smaller, more manageable mortgage, at least some of the cost of which we'll likely be able to offset by the savings on utilities. I've already started looking at houses for sale, just to see what's out there. If we can find a nice older house in the town where we now live, with a good-sized yard, that's been well-maintained, I'll be happy. I'd prefer it to be in the district for J's current elementary school, but going back to his old school would be OK, too. It will all work out, even if I'm not sure right this minute exactly how it will be accomplished. I reckon that's God's department, not mine.

Walking by faith vs. walking by sight

I came across this devotional, and it's got me thinking about a subject I wrestle with on a regular basis - walking by faith vs. walking by sight.


http://www.internetcafedevotions.com...g-in-dark.html

In my high school senior yearbook, for the quote that would follow my name and define who I was at 18, I chose the verse 2 Corinthians 5:7: “We live by faith, not by sight.” I was looking for a way to say that I loved Jesus without actually saying that I loved Jesus.

Crazy bold, I know.

I didn’t have a clue at the time what that statement really meant. I don’t think I even understood the difference between faith and sight. I’m certain I had no clue how much faith daily life would require of me in the future and how much I would long to be able to see the path before me. The thing is, there’s faith that leads to salvation and then there’s faith to walk every moment after that. I understood the first kind of faith, but I didn’t even know I was missing the second kind.

Early in my middle school years, I took the step of faith to say, “Yes, I believe I am a sinner. I believe Jesus is the Son of God. I believe He died and then rose again to take the punishment that I deserve. Please, Lord, forgive me and make me clean.”

However, in the years and decades that followed, even though I was ordering my life to God’s priorities, I didn’t really let Him have control.

I was seeking God and trying to be more like Him. I was praying and learning from His Word, but I never really let go and let Him have control. I worried like I was in control. I planned like I was in control. I managed people like I was in control. I didn’t exercise faith in my daily life that allowed me to walk in any direction unless I could see the outcome for miles ahead.

Contrary to what I had proclaimed so proudly in my high school yearbook, I was living entirely by sight. The problem with living by sight is that, at its very best, my sight is nothing more than a poor reflection in a mirror. I lived a couple of decades essentially squinting into my rearview mirror, thinking that my view was good enough to drive. While I thought I was living a safe, protected life by attempting to control my circumstances, I was really just living an unspiritual, fearful life.

However, around the time I turned 30, God began to do a work in my life that would forever alter the way I lived. He graciously turned out the lights and allowed me to stand in the pitch dark. He allowed circumstances and pain into my life that I could not overcome on my own. I can see now that it was His love for me that led Him to bring me to the place where I had to face my own inability to solve, plan, control, and manage. I stood in the middle of the pitch dark that my life had become and I began to truly trust Him for the first time. I finally quit trying to get more “sight” and chose faith, believing that if God sent something my way, it must be good for me. I wish I could say that I chose to trust God before all else, but the honest truth is that I didn’t truly trust Him until there was no other option. But I think late is better than never.

The good news is that faith is a gift from God. We can’t conjure it up or fake it. We need only ask God to provide it, making sure it is not sight for which we are asking. And then we exercise it. I have found it to be like a muscle that gets stronger every time I use it. It starts out weak, but each time I choose to trust in the name of the Lord instead of freaking out because I can’t see the path in front of me, my blood pressure goes down and my faith muscle gets stronger. Then the next time I need it, it is more ready for action.

To be honest, it hasn’t all been smooth sailing since I discovered that I could live by faith instead of sight, but, by the grace of God, I have experienced slow, steady growth in the direction of trusting Him. And the peace and joy that comes with being on His agenda instead of my own is filling me up and carrying me through.

Friend, I know you may be standing in the middle of a really dark place right now. I know it is tremendously difficult to have peace when your circumstances appear bleak. But you can take comfort from the fact that darkness is as light to God.

He can see just fine right where you are and He will lead the way if you allow Him to do so. He also says He loves you with an everlasting love and He will never, never leave you or forsake you. Don’t wait as long as I did to choose to trust Him with your daily life. Your own sight will never fulfill you or protect you the way the God who loves you will.

Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Is. 50:10b

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So if you find yourself in a circumstance, and you pray about it, trust God with it, and then still try to do something to improve your circumstance, are you walking by faith? Or does the very act of trying to do something mean you're still trying to take the problem out of God's hands and you really aren't walking by faith?

For example, we're really strapped financially right now, primarily with the mortgage. We're tithing faithfully, have been since Brian was working at Lone Star last year and making crap nothin', and we believe that yes, God will meet our needs. But still, things are tight, and some things that surely seem like needs to us are out of our reach at the moment. We pray, and we acknowledge that all we have comes from God, none of it is "ours" in our own power, and we're doing our best to be cheerful, faithful givers. But we're also trying to see if we can sell some things on Craigslist, both to clear them out because we don't need them and to have a little extra cash come in. Even though we pray and say we trust God to meet our needs, are we trying to hang on to the issue by trying to sell a $20 something or other on Craigslist?

I roll this around in my head a lot. I can't imagine that God expects us to say, "OK, God, we're turning it all over to You" and then just sit on our hands and wait for something to happen. I mean, it seems like if we don't take chances on things where we've prayed and the answer hasn't been a resounding no, then we may be shutting off some avenue by which God could work if that turns out to be His plan. I know "God helps those who help themselves" isn't biblical, but it certainly seems sound - if we never take any action at all after praying about what should be done, should we expect God to drop the solution ready-made into our laps?

And of course, if what we're doing is walking by sight, walking by faith is going to be a big challenge for me. I don't sit on my hands and do nothing very well!

Thoughts? Does anyone else wrestle with this question, or is it just me?

Eep.

My stomach is in knots. I got an e-mail from the guy who's been in touch with us re: restructuring our mortgage. He said to call him ASAP. Well, I can't check my personal e-mail from work, so "ASAP" was after 5 PM when he sent the e-mail just before 10 AM. I called and left a message on his cell, and I e-mailed. I hope he gets back in touch soon.

Surely God's plan won't include us losing our house and living with the boys in a shelter, will it?

Praying for a Christmas miracle

It hurts me to write this, I don't think I've mentioned it in here, but we're faced with the real possibility of losing our house. I took out a home equity loan when Kevin and I were married and refinanced it when I was single - it seemed like a good idea at the time, but it's turned out not to be that way in a major, major way. I got behind when I was single, more behind when Brian wasn't working, and now it doesn't look good. We're trying to get it restructured, but I don't know if whatever they offer will be enough. Even though we're both working full-time, it seems like we're still struggling to make ends meet every month. I keep telling myself, God blessed us with the boys (in fact, Brian and I weren't actively trying to have a child and had talked about the fact that it might not ever happen right before I found out I was pregnant with Rhys), He's not going to leave us hanging without the means to take care of them, and surely taking care of them means having a roof to put over their heads. But then I think, well, Job was a man of faith, and God let him be tested in a big way - he lost his kids, his livelihood, his possessions, everything. When he remained faithful, God blessed him more than he'd been blessed in the first place, but still. He let Job be brought mighty low to prove a point to the devil, to prove that the devil couldn't make Job turn from God even when times were beyond tough. So honestly? I don't know what to think. I'm praying for a miracle. I wish, somehow, the house could be paid off and I'd never, ever take out a home equity loan again. I'm kicking myself (although Brian says I was making the best decision I could with the information I had at the time), I'm sick with guilt (because my parents didn't raise me to be in the hole financially - they raised me to live within my means, and I feel like I'm failing to live up to what they taught me), I'm worried about what we'll do if the worst comes to pass, and I want to cry when I think about the possibility of having to take Julian out of the only home he's ever known. Maybe this new job (if I get it) will offer a significant pay raise, and that's what will pull us through. I have no idea. All I know is, this is a problem I cannot fix in my own strength, and while I don't know what God's plan is, I surely hope it doesn't mean us being uprooted from our home. I'm learning a lot about what it means to pray without ceasing.

And then I find myself thinking, do I have the right to ask for God's help with this? Aren't there others who are so much worse off than we are? There are people who *are* homeless, who don't know where their next meal will come from. There are people facing the loss of a loved one at what should be a blessed and joyous season, the loss of a child, a parent, someone near and dear to their hearts. If God is going to work a miracle in someone's life, shouldn't it be someone who deserves it more than I do? Maybe so, but that doesn't mean I pray for one any less for us than I do for all of them. So if anyone has a prayer to spare, we'd appreciate it.

It's time

After much consideration, I've decided it's time to call it quits with Bright Blessings. The website will come down after Oct. 31, and the Etsy shop will be put on vacation. I'll probably reopen briefly once I see what I have on hand after Oct. 31, just to list all the in-stock items and try to clear them out, and after that, I'll be on vacation for an indefinite length of time. After that, this will be strictly a hobby for me - no more selling. For one, I've got two kids who will only be little once, and for two, I think the good Lord is trying to tell me that this isn't how He intends to provide for us. I don't know how He *does* intend to provide for us, but I don't have to know that, I don't reckon.

Another bit of inspiration

Internet Cafe Devotions strikes again:

…for your Heavenly Father knows that you are in need of all these things".

Matthew 6:32b


$10,000! Letters and phone calls came to the house demanding that we pay this amount to the hospital where I recently had surgery. I was struggling to make sense of the insurance forms, hospital and doctor bills, while trying to recover from a major surgery. We had fought with the insurance company to pay over $500,000 in bills so far.

Why did we still have to fight them for this amount, seemingly small in comparison?

We started to pray and ask God to intervene in taking care of this situation. A month later, our answer came in the mail. It was a letter from some friends from our college days. They heard that I had surgery and wrote to tell us they were praying and would like to help out with a gift. In the envelope I found a check for $10,000!

I could just hear the Father saying, "O what little faith you have! Did you forget that I know all these things and will care for you?" In my Bible, Matthew 6 is appropriately titled, "The cure for anxiety." God gives us all the hope we need in that one small section of the Bible.

He shows us how small our cares and worries are in comparison to His care and supply for us. Whether it is money or material goods, God can provide these things for us, just as He takes care of all of His Creation.

If you are struggling with anxiety over medical bills, house payments, or future plans, God has given you hope and peace in this short passage of Scripture to calm your hearts and turn your focus toward Him. Look for ways God is showing His care for you in the everyday, small ways and trust Him to take care of all the rest.

"Father, help me to remember your promises of provision, even when the outlook seems bleak. May I remember that how you care for your Creation is how you will care for me."

What monetary, medical, or relationship struggles are you going through?

How has God revealed Himself to you in the midst of these struggles?

Are you looking for ways that He is showing His care for you?
In Him,
Joanna

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Again, this is something I really needed to hear. We aren't facing a $10,000 medical bill, but we are facing the possibility of having to pay an obligation that we simply don't have the money for if we're going by our own resources. I'm screwing up my courage to call about it now, and I am scared. My parents didn't raise me to not pay my own way, I feel like a failure for being in this position, and I'm praying that God will, in His grace, rescue me yet again from my own foolish choices and not bring hardship to my husband and my kids because of my stupidity.

So if you're of a praying mindset, I'd appreciate some today, as I make that call. Pray I'll have the courage to actually pick up the phone and get it done (because it won't go away if I ignore it), pray that the situation isn't as dire as I'm building it up to possibly be, and pray that, if it is that bad, God will make a way clear for us to get through it.

Money may not buy happiness, but a little more of it could sure reduce some stress.

I read this post at Her Bad Mother, and it helped me think a bit about our financial situation.

On the surface, you'd think we should be doing OK. Brian and I both work full-time. Sure, a little bit more salary would be nice, and I'd like to see an occasional raise or bonus (but I figure there's probably not a lot of chance, given the industry I work in and the degree of government involvement there these days), but looking at it on paper, it would seem like we'd be all right, like we could make ends meet.

Yet somehow that doesn't seem to happen. It seems like each month we're scraping to make it, to get everything paid, and that's before we've had to add daycare expenses to the mix (diapers and formula and medical bills, yes, but daycare won't kick in for a few weeks yet). And now we're finding ourselves in the position of having to start shopping for a new vehicle. My car is in good shape, but the van isn't so much. It still runs well, but it's got 125,000 miles on it, it's got some electrical quirks, and one of the wheels on one of the side doors broke last week - it vibrated open while Brian was driving, and that just won't do, especially not with kids who ride in the back seats. Where will the money come from for a car payment on top of everything else? Beats me. We're behind on the house note, don't know where funds will come from to catch that up, and it seems like each month it gets a little harder to stay current on things - even with both of us working full-time.

I don't ever feel like God drops the clue brick on my head too often. I can't point to many things and say, "Hey, God really convicted me of this, and I got the message from Him loud and clear." Tithing is one of the things where I did get a message. Before Brian was working, we decided to pick a number to give as our tithe and stick to it, even if it wasn't the full 10%. When he started at his previous job, we decided at first to tithe the full 10% from his paycheck and stick to the same amount from mine, which was a pretty scary number to us given that his paycheck wasn't that much to begin with. I don't remember exactly when it happened, but one day it hit me - either we trusted God all the way or not at all, and if we trusted Him all the way, we needed to tithe the full 10% no matter how much it scared us or how impossible it might seem. Since then, we've been faithful to give that 10%, even though there are plenty of times when I'm tempted to keep it for us to use (never mind that, in the grand scheme of things, it's not like that would accomplish anything big - it wouldn't be enough to pay our house note for one month, much less catch it up, it wouldn't pay for a month of daycare, it wouldn't pay off my car or get us a new one). I know blessings don't always come in the form of money, but right now things are seeming pretty dire on the financial front, and it's certainly nothing I can fix in my own strength. I find myself singing this song in my head a lot:

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way,
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me,
He will be my guide,
Hold me closely to His side,
With love and strength
For each new day,
He will make a way,
He will make a way.

God is going to have to make a way on this one, because we simply don't have the resources at our command to fix things (short of a death in the family, and we don't want that - we'd much prefer to keep our loved ones with us, thankyouverymuch). I feel helpless, I'm having a hard time with that trust thing, I'm feeling like somehow I've failed my family by the choices I've made or not made, I'm feeling like I must have failed God and gotten far afield of His plan for things to be going so badly. And sometimes I even feel a little resentful. This afternoon we were driving back from doing some vehicle shopping, and we went through a really nice part of a nearby town, the area by the country club where the houses cost more than I'll ever see in my lifetime and where the subdivisions have a list of "approved builders", so you know they're really pretty hoity-toity. I told Brian that I don't care about living the high life, I'm not interested in a million-dollar home or a new luxury car, I just want to stay in my house, fix it up for my family, drive a nice reliable car, have money to pay the bills without it being down to the wire all the time (or even a few dollars short), be able to do the occasional fun thing like a family vacation, and maybe do some good for others that we don't feel like we have the resources to do now. If I wanted to live high on the hog, I can see God telling me, "no, you're just being greedy now, you can't have that" - but I don't, and I sometimes find myself thinking, "God, are we asking for that much that it's not something You feel like we need, enough to not be constantly stressed over and struggling with money?" I've wondered before if being a person of faith, someone who trusts God to provide and meet your needs, has to be inconsistent with any kind of financial stability or security, if those two are mutually exclusive and you have to be one or the other. I don't know if that's the case, but some days it sure feels like it.

And gosh, it seems like I had a very similar conversation with myself back in September. Things haven't gotten better, really, in almost a year. Bright Blessings hasn't taken off, I haven't found a job that will give me a fat pay raise, we haven't won the lotto. Still, we're being as faithful as we know how to be, and I do know God has a plan. Right now, though, I'm just really, really scared. I want to know how things will work out and when, and I'm having a hard time with the trusting and waiting part.

Trust

I love this picture of Rhys. He's sound asleep, stretched out on my chest, not a care in the world. He has nothing but confidence that mama and daddy will meet his needs and take care of him.

A couple of weeks ago, I got this from Internet Cafe Devotions. It reads:

As he walked across the stage to sit down the picture painted a thousand words in my mind. Scott McEntyre, a blind contestant on American Idol, had to be guided through every step. He had no choice. It was his life.

What if we were like Scott?

What if we were that dependent?

Would life look different?

If you could not see one step in front of you, would you wait on someone to guide you or would you feel your way on your own?

Jesus waited for His every step from the One who saw the big picture. He knew He was not to lean on His own understanding.

It's a lost art in this day and age. We are taught to figure things out, get it right, take care of ourselves. Self-reliance is affirmed in the world around us. Do we really have any clue what it means to be totally dependent on anyone?

My daughter is getting married. The truth is we don't have enough money to cover all the expenses. We know God will provide. We've already seen Him cover things in unexpected ways. She's happy to have what He has for her, but sometimes we both feel the pressure to figure it all out.

She came to talk about the wedding cake. It's easy for her to bring the costs to her dad and I, after all we look like the ones who are supposed to have answers. I could feel the tension mounting inside me to come up with a way to cover the expense, when Jesus spoke to me.

"Jewel, tell her to come to me with each detail of this wedding, first." "Tell her I have a cake picked out for her, one I will provide for." "Tell her to ask me to let her fall in love with the one I've chosen for her." "Tell her to give it to me to cover." "She's looking to you and David." "You are not her resource, I am." "Teach her to depend on Me." "Oh and by the way, you need to remember too."

Jesus knows the path of trust. He was not self-reliant. He didn't have to come up with the answers. He knew God had the answers to life around Him. He knew the Father had His needs figured out and would cover them. He didn't fret or struggle to make it all happen. He waited to be covered. He spoke what the Father told Him to speak. He went where the Father told Him to go. He said what the Father told Him to say. Dependence was a way of life for Him.

Why do I not think life should be the same for me?

He speaks to me again. "Do not lean on your own understanding, Jewel." "In all your ways acknowledge Me. "Look to Me in all things, big and small. I will direct your path. I never meant for you to lean on yourself. I made you lean on Me." "I've got your covered."

He knows the path. He knows the answers. He has it all cared for. Whose understanding will I lean on? Mine or His? One will carry the burden, the other will relieve it.

It's pretty simple to understand, yet hard to live. Jesus asks me to live what He lived. Rely on the Father alone. Don't look to myself. Don't try to figure things out.

In those moments of blindness my need for dependence is great. I cannot see. I have no choice. I must be led. Need invites dependence. Dependence leads to life.

He's familiar with all my ways. Every detail is cared for by the One who ordained my life. It's was the path of Jesus. It's the path He wants for me. Self-reliance will kill me, while dependence will bring me life. Jesus knew this. He chose the path of life. It is there I will find Him. It's where He walked. It's where He now waits to walk with me.

Laying aside my world's entanglements I choose to stand in my blindness and wait. I know He is there. I feel His touch. I hear His voice. Rest permeates my body as I lean into Him knowing; He's been waiting for me. He's got me covered.

What about you? Is your immediate response to turn to Him or to try to figure it out? Is dependence more familiar to you or self-reliance?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge (look to) Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3: 5 & 6

This really spoke to me. Really trusting, really being dependent on God, is something that doesn't come easily for me. It seemed to be a lot easier when I was younger - not sure what happened along the way, but that childlike faith is hard for me to come by. I'm much more of the self-reliance school of thought. When there's a problem, I tend to think, "What can *I* do to fix this?" I struggle to find a balance between trusting God to lead me, to provide for me, to help me, and doing what I can to fix a situation. I don't think God expects us to sit idly by just expecting that a solution will fall into our hands, but I do need to be reminded often that He can and does work in unexpected ways. I want to lay my worries before God, confident that He has a plan for me and that He will work things out in His time and according to that plan, just like Rhys is able to fall asleep on my chest, knowing that next time he needs food, it will be there, and knowing he is loved. Some days (more days than not) it takes a conscious effort on my part to let go of the worries and fears I insist on carrying around for myself and insist on repeatedly trying to take back from God, but on those days I do really let go and trust, what a blessing that is.

Just feeling overwhelmed

Not so much with newborn stuff, per se. Rhys is doing quite well for being less than a month old. My only real gripe is that he tends to have a longish stretch of being awake (and fussy) late in the day, at the same time I'm usually trying to get Julian settled. Julian has a hard time settling and sleeping if Rhys is crying, and in the late evening, Rhys usually is crying. I'm feeling especially anxious this evening, as Brian went back to choir practice and this is my first time to handle bedtime for both boys by myself. I'm worried that no one will be in bed and I'll be ready to drink heavily by the time Brian gets home.

I also find myself worrying about finances. We've been tithing faithfully for several months now, and I know God promises to meet our needs if we are faithful to Him. And thus far, no needs have gone unmet. Sometimes they're met at the last minute and with a whole lot of pinching and scraping and scrambling, but they've been met. Now we're adding all the expenses of a new baby to the household - diapers, formula, daycare once my maternity leave is over. We're always cutting it fine just before payday, and I find myself wondering where the money will come from. I'm not sure what else we can cut from our budget, and I guess I'll have to get better with using coupons and finding ways to economize on things we need. I'm trying to keep the faith here, but it scares me. I feel like I've been chasing my tail financially ever since I married Julian's dad, because once we got married, things just went downhill, and I'm still trying to dig my way out from that. But I know God had a plan when He blessed us with Rhys, and I can't believe He'd give Rhys to us and not provide a way for us to make ends meet. It just makes me nervous not knowing what that way may be, and it makes me more nervous given that Brian and I both have full-time employment already, and I know not to expect any raises or bonuses at my job. It also seems like any financial news is always negative, like the fact that Brian will owe $500 and change for his new CPAP machine. Sure, we can pay it out over time, but it's one more thing to add to the list of People We Owe Money To, and it feels like that list just never seems to get any shorter, you know? Just once, I wish financial news would be good, like "you've won enough in the lotto to pay off your house note". I'm not greedy, we don't have to win the Mega Millions jackpot - I'd be thrilled if we did win just enough to pay off the house note.

And then there's the whole job situation. I like my job well enough most days. I like my manager, he's a good guy. I like my co-workers. Hate my commute, hate the fact that it takes me away from home for pretty much twelve hours out of every day, but it is what it is. I just don't think I'm truly suited for corporate America, and it kills me to have to tell Julian (and knowing that one day I'll be telling Rhys), "I'm sorry, sweetie, Mama can't come to such-and-such at school because I have to work." And while I do like my job well enough, it's just that - a job. I'm fairly competent at it, but I'm not passionate about it. I can't fathom having a job I'm passionate about. I can't even think of anything that I'm passionate about that would ever come close to making me any money. I guess I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, and not having much success. I'd make a change if I could think of something to change to. But I've likely been out of the legal arena long enough to disqualify myself from most legal jobs, and honestly, there are a lot of jobs in the legal arena that I wouldn't want anyway. I'd love something closer to home, but the options just aren't here - not that I know of, anyway. I'd really love to find something that would allow me to work from home, but I can't think of anything that 1) would replace my current salary, and 2) wouldn't require me to invest time and money (both of which are currently in short supply) in further education/certification/something to get started on a different path. I find myself wondering what I was thinking when I made the choices I did when I was younger, how might things be different had I chosen differently, and sometimes (like right now) it just makes me want to cry.

Then there's my own personal wallow in the pity pit. I've mentioned Bright Blessings before - it's my little sideline/expensive hobby, on hold for now until I feel like I can maybe make a decent showing of it. I've still got my Etsy shop, but haven't sold anything recently. I'm on a couple of boards that deal with, among other things, bath and beauty-type stuff, and I see people starting their Etsy shops all the time and selling things like gangbusters. I find myself wondering something similar to what Melinda wondered here - is my fairly significant lack of success God's way of trying to tell me I'm spinning my wheels trying to ever make anything of Bright Blessings, either on my own site or on Etsy? I see others succeeding where I have not, or at least making a reasonably good showing of their businesses, and I find myself thinking that I must be doing something wrong. I like making candles and scrubs and what have you, and when people have ordered in the past, they seemed to like what they got. Bright Blessings has just never taken off, really. So that's rolling around in my head, too.

I'll have to post later and share some happy things, since I've been such a Debbie Downer here. I just needed to get it all off my chest.

Still trying

TDCJ is looking for teachers for their prison unit in Venus, which is only about 10 miles from Midlothian. Brian said he'd be qualified, although it's kind of scary that he's considering teaching inmates. He's going to apply, and I told him I'm not wild about the idea, either, but at least working for the government, it would be stable employment, and decent salary and benefits. So we'll see what happens.

He applied online for Wal-Mart today. He said he had to take a psychological assessment, and if you passed, your application would be good for a year. If you didn't pass, it would only be good for 60 days and then you were "welcome to reapply". Apparently he doesn't think exactly like Wal-Mart wants its employees to think, because he didn't pass. I told him maybe that was a good thing. LOL So his application there is good until January.

We keep looking and paying things as we can, and things keep getting behind and piling up. I just hope we can scrape by until such time as we can catch up, without anything truly disastrous happening. It's been fifteen years since I graduated from law school - the money troubles started when I first got married in 1994, and it's just gone down and downhill ever since. When we have sufficient money for our needs (because I have to keep believing that one day, we will - if I start thinking that this is just how life is, forever and always, I will go screaming yellow bonkers), I really won't know what to do with myself, because it feels like this hand-to-mouth business is all I've ever known since I started working.

We're off to scope out the garage sales this morning and see if we can find any super deals!

Time for the job search again.

The handful of you who read my blog regularly know that it took Brian a while to find a job after he moved here (four months), and that the logistics of the job he does have are less than ideal (eight days on, six off, three hours away).

Well, we may really need the prayers now. I just talked to Brian, and he said that attendance at camps like Lone Star is down everywhere, and that if things don't pick up (they may see some increase in October, after report cards come out), they'll be cutting down to three kids per group that goes out. He said that having three staff per three kids in each group seems like a bit much, and he doesn't know what will happen - if they'll go to all the staff working half a shift so everyone can get some work in, if they'll ask for volunteers to not work, if they'll lay off, what. All I know is, I'm praying for something else for him sooner rather than later, so he can be somewhere and be secure in his job (and preferably closer to home). He said he's not expecting it to be a school job, and honestly, I'm not, either. If that was going to work out, we'd have had some sign of it by now, I think. Maybe one of the parent company's residential facilities here in the Dallas area will have openings, or something else will work out, I don't know. I just know that the job concerns are cranking back up again. So if you're so inclined, pray, light candles, think good thoughts, what have you - we'll take any and all good intentions for a steady, secure job for Brian!

It's always something

Yesterday I wrote a whole long post about it being enough that God cares, that He never promised to fix all our problems or make life easy, but He does care and promises never to leave us, and that's enough. And then things just keep on coming.

Julian's teacher e-mailed me yesterday. We'd been talking about his difficulties in class, and she had asked about getting the counselor involved. I said that was fine, as I know we all want to see him do well in school, and I'd take suggestions from whatever corner they were offered. He's had a real hard time in school discipline-wise, and I think part of it because Brian is away at work, and that's causing some fears and anxieties that he's having a hard time managing. Well, his teacher and the counselor reviewed his Connor's surveys from last year, and they both feel like Julian exhibits many ADHD tendencies (last year it was just hyperactivity and impulsivity, and that not high enough on the scale to warrant a formal diagnosis). His teacher said that Brian being away may be affecting him, but that he has trouble focusing every day, and there's no real difference in that whether Brian is away or at home. She said she feels like Julian is a very intelligent young man, but that this lack of ability to focus on his work is beginning to affect his performance at school.

I sat at my desk at work yesterday afternoon and tried not to cry. I felt like the worst mom in the world, 1) for not doing more to follow up after we talked to the counselor at his school last year, and 2) for not realizing how very bad it had gotten. I've asked the teacher if she and/or the counselor can give me something in writing that I can take to his pediatrician, and we'll follow up with her. I guess the next step would be to consult with a psychologist, to see if he is at a level where he'd be formally diagnosed, or at least get some ideas for what to try next. I'm not crazy about the idea of medication, but if that's what it takes, I know it can make a world of difference once you've found the right medication and the right dose. My heart just hurts for Julian, trying all this time to do the right thing and just not really being able to do it. He's told me lately that his brain just won't let him pay attention, and I guess it really won't. So that was one thing.

Then there's the garage door. We got ready to leave this morning, and the door only opens about 1/3 of the way and stops. I can't get it to move now, not even releasing the catch and trying to do it by hand. Something is hung up, and hung up good, to where it won't budge. We can't get the van out of the garage, and we're not close enough to work or school to walk. So we're at home right now. The door can be repaired, for a price (yay, more money I don't have that needs to be spent). If the repair guy gets here in time, I'm hoping Julian can make it for part of the school day. Me, I'm giving work a miss. It's not worth the expense in gas and parking for me to go up there for half a day. What a thing to burn a vacation day on, huh?

So, the hits just keep on coming. Money for an eye appointment. Money for a garage door repair. Money for whatever help Julian needs with his behavior issues. I know money can't buy happiness, but it sure seems like having enough of it to go around would make things a little easier.

I'm praying a LOT today. And I'm going to make fudge. Prayer and chocolate have to make things better, right?

Lord, I Hope This Day Is Good

This song by Don Williams came up on shuffle on my iTunes, and it just fits my current mood so well:

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feeling empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord, I hope this day is good

Lord, have you forgotten me
I've been prayin' to you faithfully
I'm not saying I'm a righteous man
But Lord, I hope you understand
I don't need fortune and I don't need fame
Send down the thunder, Lord, send down the rain
But when you're planning just how it will be
Plan a good day for me

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feeling empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord, I hope this day is good

You've been the King since the dawn of time
All that I'm asking is a little less cryin'
It might be hard for the devil to do
But it would be easy for you

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feeling empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord, I hope this day is good

Finances and faith

Warning: This probably sounds like a bunch of whining. And in part, I guess it is. If you can handle that, read on.

This is a topic that's been on my mind for quite a while. It's something Brian and I have discussed throughout our marriage, as we both feel strongly that tithing - giving back to God - is something we need to be committed to doing.

Last Sunday night, the pastor talked about, among other things, making time to be alone with God, and asking God to help you identify the areas in your life where He really wanted you to let go and let Him work. He talked about one of his own experiences, when he was the new pastor at our church a number of years ago, things were not going well, and he was concerned that the church would close its doors, or split, or somehow things would fall out that he'd be without a job with a wife and three kids to take care of. He realized that what he needed to let go of was his fear about provision and needs being met, and as he talked, I realized that that was something I really needed to let go of as well. I was the sole or primary breadwinner for my entire marriage to K, and I'm still the primary breadwinner now (although I am very, very thankful Brian is working!), so the responsibility of making sure family is taken care of has weighed heavily on my shoulders my entire working life. If bills aren't getting paid on time, I take it personally, I feel like *I've* failed somehow, like *I* haven't tried hard enough or pinched pennies enough or done enough to bring home the bacon. I wasn't raised to not pay my obligations in full and on time, and it upsets me when ends don't meet like I think they ought to. This is one really big area where I feel like God wants me to get out of the way and let Him work, and even now, I struggle with it.

I find myself trying to put a time limit on God, expecting Him to conform to my timetable and my agenda. Malachi 3:10 says, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." God doesn't tell us to test Him very often, but here, He does. So Brian and I will freely admit that yes, we're testing God. We've made our commitment to give, and we're doing it. And logically, I know what the pastor meant when he said that God promises to meet our needs, not to make us rich. But when things aren't getting paid on time, I begin to wonder. (I know, again logically and not emotionally, that the lack is with me and not with God - it's not that He doesn't keep His promises, it's that I don't keep the faith.) And hence, the struggle. I'm not feeling very blessed right now, not in the least, and I'm wrestling with what exactly it means to have faith that God will meet our needs. Does that mean constantly living on the financial edge, scraping from paycheck to paycheck, and just trusting that the money will be there to cover necessities and not much else? Do I have to have faith strong enough to trust that we can be balanced on the edge and not fall over, and is that what getting our needs met will mean for the rest of our lives? Somehow I can't imagine that that's what God meant. But right now, this is what I'm turning over and over in my head.

And on a slightly related but not-quite-identical note, there's Bright Blessings. I love making candles and scrubs and goodies. I enjoy it and I'm pretty decent at it, I think. I'm getting the word out in all the ways I know how and all the ways I can afford, and yet I'm not seeing a whole lot of growth. I'm on a couple of message boards where the chat about bath and body products is pretty prevalent, and I see people talking up what they've gotten and tried. It just seems like people seem to forget to mention when they've ordered from me. I've seen good reviews of my products, so I know people like them. I just don't seem to get the word of mouth that other companies do, and I can't figure out why. So, this leaves me wondering, should I just cut my losses and pack it in? Should I put up all my supplies for sale and take my website down and close my Etsy shop and be done with it? I know that right now, I could not handle a huge influx of orders - I know there are e-tailers who get a ton of business, and I'm not equipped to handle THAT much business right now. But a steady stream of orders would be nice, and just having people mention that they got the stuff they did order would be nice, too. I've been doing this for over a year now, and with the way things have been going, I'm honestly not sure it's worth my while to keep it up.

See, I said I was whining. I'm going to go wallow in the pity pit for a while with the lovely chocolate peanut butter cupcake from Sugar Dreams that my friend Kelly brought to me today.

And what was that I said?

I believe I said this just a few weeks ago, on August 14:

Tying that in to the Lone Star interview - how funny would it be (and I don't mean funny ha-ha) if God, in His infinite wisdom, decided that now would be a perfect time for me to get pregnant? I think I'd pull my hair out. I'd be excited, and scared, and all that good stuff, but I'd pull my hair out in absolute frustration at the timing, especially if Brian gets the job. But again, I'll jump off that bridge if I get to it. I'm not there yet.

Well, I'm there. LOL Brian did indeed accept the Lone Star job, as it was the only one that offered and he needed a job (and we needed the paycheck). It's got its pros and cons, like any other job. Pros: it's a job, it's a paycheck, and Brian is excited about it. He feels like he may have more of an opportunity to make a difference in a child's life there than he would in a traditional classroom, and I know he's excited about not being limited by the approved curriculum of a traditional classroom setting. Cons: Well, it's three hours away, and he's gone for eight days at a time. Those are pretty big cons, but not big enough to outweigh the benefit of a paycheck. I did the single mom thing before, and I wasn't crazy about it then - it's even more of a challenge now when when I come home so tired that I can barely keep my head up. There were a couple of teaching positions that came open at the last minute, right before Brian had to make a decision on Lone Star, and he applied, but nothing came of them. So he's working for Lone Star for the time being, and he'll keep taking substitute positions as they come up on his off days, and doing his best to make a good impression at local campuses. Brian is hoping to find something close to home come February or March, closer to when the baby is due, when he'll really need it. But right now, for reasons I can't fathom, God must want Brian at Lone Star, so that's where he is. We'll just have to have faith that things are working out as they're meant to.

And on a completely unrelated note, I was just listening to Randy Travis, and it made me think of my mother. She sure did love Randy Travis, and I sure do miss her. Now her second grandchild is on the way, and I wish she could be here.

Shine Like the Sun

www.myspace.com/murfmurphymusic

I don't know how to add this to my music player in the sidebar, so I'm putting it here. An old friend of mine wrote this song for his wife's mother's funeral, and he shared it with me.

I miss my mother, but it's a great comfort knowing that the goodbye I told her in 1995 isn't goodbye forever.