Starting off slowly

Today has started off a bit better than yesterday, but not much. J had a little accident last night. Somehow he slipped off my bed and wedged himself between the bed and the nightstand. In the process he scraped his leg, his back and his arm, and since he is my child, there are sure to be bruises (I bruise if the wind blows at me the wrong way! LOL). *SIGH* He screamed, I screamed, and we all had a little fit. I thought he bumped his head, but when I asked him, he said he hadn't. The bruises and scrapes didn't look too bad this morning, but I'm sure they'll darken in a day or so. My poor boy - he needs body armor. I took the precaution of explaining what had happened to his teacher, I didn't want her to think there was any need to call in CPS. :) Poor baby, he got his mama's clumsy gene. I can just about trip over shadows, and apparently so can he.

He woke up twice last night, once at 12:40, soaking wet and with a loaded pair of underpants, and once at 4:20, just screaming. I think he had a bad dream then - he laid right back down after I hugged him, and was asleep by the time I got back with the milk he'd requested. So it's not like he was up a long time on either occasion, but the interrupted sleep just doesn't do me much good.

And the morning battles continue. *SIGH* People say you should get up early, plan extra time into your routine when you're trying to get out of the house with a young child. Yeah, right. I could probably get J up at 5:30 and still not get out of the house until after 7:00. It took ages to get him into the car - everything was "no, no, no". I was just about to pick him up and carry him (a feat that's getting more challenging by the day - what will I do when he figures out that mama picking him up and moving him is an idle threat?!) when he ran out to the garage, ready to go. He left his toys in the truck with no fuss today, and drop-off was much improved, so other than the power struggle to get out of the house and the fact that I was horrifically late (not getting here, I was here by 8:30, just late leaving), it was better than yesterday.

Talked to the loan officer yesterday - she got my paperwork, and it's gone to processing. The appraiser is supposed to call and set up a time to come by. I hope they don't count off for clutter - I'm in the middle of dejunking and trying to organize so much that some things are pretty piled up. I just want it to appraise for at least what I thought it was worth (which was about $20,000 less than the value for property tax purposes - I'm hoping the appraisal comes close to what the tax office says my house is worth!). I'll feel a lot better when it's a done deal. I know if it was going to be turned down, the loan officer would have told me that up front, and it wouldn't have even gotten to the point of filling out all this paperwork and doing an appraisal. But still, I'm nervous, and I'll be less so when it's done and signed and I have cash in hand and only one big payment to make (no more car payment, no more credit cards, woo hoo!!!!).

Monday all day long.

It was a fairly rotten weekend from an emotional standpoint. J is very two, and K and I had a discussion about some financial stuff that just left me tired. In the course of that conversation, I got really uptight and lost it in front of J, which is something I swore I'd never do. He knew something was up - I could tell by the look on his face, and that look just cut me to the bone. So K and I both hugged him and reassured him, and he's probably forgotten the whole thing by now - but still, I felt like the worst parent ever.

And J is just so very, very TWO. Meltdowns with minimal or no provocation, constant repetition of limits that you know he understands, and the ever-present "no" (I seriously think he says "no" just to hear himself say it, not because he really means it). It's very draining. Supposedly little girls are calmer and more obedient at this age, and the trade-off is that teenage boys are generally easier to deal with. But Lord have mercy, the preschool years may kill me off first. Now I understand why one of my girlfriends was constantly riding herd on her two boys - she had to! And friends with children tell me three is worse. OY. I love my son, I'd do anything for him, I wouldn't trade him for the world, but boy howdy, being a parent sure is hard work.

This day hasn't started off so great, either. Three meltdowns from J this morning - one over turning the TV off when it was time to go, although we'd discussed several times the point at which the video would have to be turned off; one over leaving his dump truck in mama's truck, although he understands that he may lose toys if he takes them to school and is generally quite good about leaving things without a fuss; and the screaming-banshee impression at daycare drop-off. The third one really upset me. We'd been doing so well with that - J and I have talked about the fact that mama has to go to work, J gets to go to school, and mama always comes back and gets J and gives him hugs and kisses. And he's been doing really well for a while. I can't remember the last time we had a howling throwdown - a couple of whines from time to time, but not a screaming fit. Well, today we had the full-out screaming fit. As soon as we walked in, he started hanging onto my legs, saying, "mama, up, up." I told him mama had to go to work, that I'd get him some milk. He was fine when I walked away for milk, but when I came back, he started the "up, up" routine again. I told him again that mama had to go to work, but that I loved him and I'd be back this afternoon, and I started walking toward the door. I hadn't gotten halfway across the gym when I heard wailing and running feet - he'd lit out after me. *SIGH* So I turned around to give him a hug and kiss, and here went the "up, up" routine again - he glues himself to my legs and looks up at me with the most piteous expression. I hugged and kissed him and told him again that I'd be back this afternoon, and I left. The door closed on the sound of my child screaming for his mama. UGH. I wanted to sit in the car and just cry. I'm not sure why the regression, I just know that it absolutely breaks my heart to leave him like that. Damn the need to bring home a paycheck, days like that I just want to stay with my son, even if we have to live in a box under a bridge somewhere.

(Realistically I don't mean that - I know life would be very, very hard indeed if I didn't work. But some days I wish I could tell the work world to go hang and stay home with my baby boy.)

Then I had a lap-band moment on the way to work - meaning, something hung up and didn't want to go down. I'm thinking it was the huge Augmentin pills I'm trying to finish off, because I hadn't eaten very much at all. When something hangs up in the band and won't go down, it hurts - sometimes it hurts a lot, and today was one of those times. And it doesn't stop hurting unless whatever's hung up either goes down or comes back up. So here I was driving through some of the less-than-nice parts of Dallas on my way to work, hurting like a son of a bitch, and wondering if this thing would just pass or if I'd have to find some relatively safe-looking place to pull over and hurl. Mmm, fun. (That's the function of the lap-band - my own personal food police, to keep me from eating more than I should.) Finally, after about 15 minutes of pain, whatever was hung up went down, and I felt better. Now I'm starving but scared to eat, and yet the thought of a day filled with only protein shakes isn't appealing at all. Not sure yet what I'll do about that.

And then, back at work after a half day off on Friday, I find no less than 28 things in my inbox, all requiring my attention. Then there have been a couple of other crises that have popped up, so I'm running like a crazy woman. Calgon, take me away....

This day has sucked rocks so far. Can I just go home, go back to bed, and have a redo?

Mommy Madness

Boy, did this hit home. I can relate - I was raised to be self-sufficient and independent, and my parents certainly never even considered any possibility other than me going to college, getting at least one degree, and kicking ass in the working world. They never said, "you can't do that, you're a girl." I *was* raised to think I could do it all, although there were times when I was younger that I just didn't think I'd ever have children. And now? There are days that doing it all - or trying to - really takes its toll. I think that in some ways, the feminist movement did more harm than good, by promoting that very idea, that women can do it all. Not that it hasn't done some good - women should get comparable pay for doing comparable work to me, women should be able to go into any career field they choose, and all that good stuff. But the pendulum has, to some extent, swung so that being a stay-at-home mother and wife has fallen out of favor, and women are made to feel like they're wasting their talents if they choose to do that. I think that's just sad. We try to do everything and end up not being very good at any of it because we're just spread too thin.

Fun with the J-man

I'm not sure what was in the air Tuesday night, but J had a flaming thermonuclear meltdown in the driveway after we got home. On the way home, we'd been talking about the moon and how you'd need a really tall ladder to get it down. J informed me that if he got it, he'd keep it and put it in his toy box. Anyway, he's just fascinated with the moon, has been for a while, but never like tonight. We stood in the driveway for a bit and looked at the moon, and that was fine. But when the suggestion was made that it might be time to go in and have dinner, you'd have thought J had learned there was no Santa, no Easter bunny, and that he was never having a birthday party again, the fit he threw. He was screaming, "nooooooo, stay outside!" and *running* away from me. My child was literally howling at the moon - great, I've given birth to a little baby werewolf. Once we were finally inside, J proceeded to prostrate himself by the door and scream that he wanted to go outside. He screamed at everything and nothing would settle him down. Finally, finally I convinced him to come into the laundry room with me, and I showed him that we could look out the window there and see the moon in the sky. He said, "Goodnight moon, night-night time" and walked away, problem solved. A good twenty minutes of emotional upheaval, and it was over in seconds. AARGH. This is what frustrates me so about my baby boy, that emotional nature. It makes no sense to practical, logical me.

But in other news: He and I were in the bed Tuesday night, reading his books. I read his Thomas' ABC Book to him, and as I was picking up another book, he said, "Read Thomas book." I said, no, we've already read that one, and he told me, "No, J read it." And he took his book and proceeded to open it to the first page and read it. "A is for all aboard, all aboard calls Thomas the Tank Engine. B for Bertie the Bus, Bertie is Thomas's friend, beep beep." He'd tell me word for word what was on the page. I realize that at this point a lot of it is memorization (although he's memorized so many books, that's pretty amazing in and of itself), but he knew what page he was on. If he skipped a page, he'd either go back to where he should have been or he'd read what was on the page he was looking at, instead of just parroting what he'd memorized as coming next. I could have just cried, I was so proud of him. My super-smart baby boy!!! I was reading at age 3, maybe he will be, too.

Wanting more

This post in The Odd Wife's blog got me to thinking. I don't think K and I have ever had what she describes herself and EH as having. I think K and I were best friends, and at one time that was sufficient. Heck, I still consider K a friend, and I reckon I always will - after all that's happened, I really can't think of anything that could come up that would make me tell him, "I can't stand the sight of you, go away, I don't ever want to see you ever again". But it seems to me that if what we had was anything close to what The Odd Wife describes, then he wouldn't, at some point, have found himself looking elsewhere to find that "sparkle", that thrill of discovery with someone new. It's just unfortunate that it took us ten years and having a child to figure this out, and it's unfortunate that now our child will have to live with the effects of his parents splitting up. But is it wrong to want, to hope for, a love like that? Because I do.

It sure feels like a Monday

I had yesterday off, but I don't feel rested. And I'm swamped at work. AND it's supposed to get cold and rainy this week, after being in the 80's and positively springlike for the past couple of days. YUCK. I hate winter, I will never live somewhere where it gets *really* cold and where they have an actual winter. I'm a Southern girl, I've lived down here my whole life, and my blood is just too thin to live somewhere with real winter. Yes, we have 100+ degree days for weeks on end sometimes in the summer, but that's what air conditioning and covered parking are for. I'll take the hot, thanks.

Not too much exciting happened over the weekend - no naps for the J-man, some cleaning, a trip or two to Target (J got a train, and we've talked before about not opening things until we pay for them - he understands that, and as soon as we got in the car, he handed me the package with his train and said, "Mama, unlemp (his word for unwrap) Henry (the train) RIGHT NOW!" Bossy little man. LOLOL).

I did talk to the loan officer yesterday. She told me what information she'll need (tax info, pay stubs, plus a $325 check to do an appraisal - UGH), and said it will take about three weeks to process once they've got all the paperwork. AARGH!!!!!!!!!! I guess it's just frustrating, finally seeing a light at the end of the financial tunnel, being so close to sorting things out so that maybe K and I can make some progress on disentangling our lives, and being told, oh wait, we need more info and then you have to wait some more. You might think, but this has been going on for almost two years, what's a few more weeks? That's just it - it's been going on for almost two years, and to be so tantalizingly close and yet not be there just about makes me want to crawl out of my skin with frustration. AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow night is my second late night in less than a week. Feh. Not looking forward to that. But then I won't have another late night until March - the 23rd, I think.

And on a happy note, I'm getting my piano tuned on Friday! Yay!!!!! That's J's belated Valentine's gift to his mama. :-) I've had this piano since I first started taking lessons at age 7, so it's almost 30 years old now. It's been several years since I've had it tuned, and I can really hear it when I play. I'm so very, very glad to be getting this done, I just can't wait!!!

Now, back to the regularly scheduled daily grind and the dilemma of what to have for lunch....

Today's fortune cookie

"Important events are in your future."

Well! That could be nice.

And add "in bed"? Now THAT makes it downright INTERESTING! Tee hee....

Just a quick post...

Gee, I just realized I haven't even looked at my blog today, much less written anything! That could be because there's nothing particularly earth-shattering to write about.

I'm still at work - time for my monthly phone servitude. And oh, joy, since tonight was a swap for my scheduled January night, I get to do this again next Wednesday. Hooray. I hate phone time. Thankfully, I'll be done, at least for tonight, in about five minutes.

Went to the doc yesterday - surprise, surprise, I've got a sinus infection. She loaded me up with some monstrously big Augmentin pills, and told me to keep taking OTC stuff for pain and congestion. I feel OK today, I'm just tired of blowing my nose every thirty seconds. Enough already, don't I run out of snot eventually?!

No big plans for the weekend. Tomorrow is library day with J - if they have good displays (meaning something with trucks, trains or things that go), he likes it. And he likes to play in the birdbath outside the library. So that should be fun.

And Monday's a holiday, woo hoo!!! A holiday when daycare is open, double WOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!! Mental health day for mama!!! :) And hopefully some good news on the home equity loan.

I think it's time to shut things down here. It's close enough to 7:00 that I'm going to take off.

Cautiously optimistic

Well, blogfans, it looks like 2005 might start to improve after all. I checked into refinancing the house, and it looks like there's an approval for enough to pay off the existing house note (foolishly obtained several years ago in an effort to consolidate credit card debt, which K and I then promptly ran back up), my car, K's car, the rest of his existing credit card debt, all the taxes, all my professional dues and taxes (which are legion - it's expensive to be a lawyer! LOL), have enough for a new computer, a new mattress (which I DESPERATELY need), some home repairs and car maintenance that need to be tended to, and still have a good bit to go in savings. All this, and the payment on the new home equity loan will be $200 less than what I'm currently paying on the existing house note and my car. And the beauty is, I won't be running up new debt. I haven't had credit cards for almost a year, I know I can do just fine without them. I don't plan to get a new car or new house, I like the ones I have. This will allow me to actually pay things off, get caught up on all my little piddly stuff that keeps getting put on the back burner, and maybe actually SAVE some money for my retirement and J's future. And with K's things being paid off, that frees up money for him to help out with daycare costs and things for J. :) Of course, I get this e-mail last night, and the woman I've been working with says at the end of the e-mail that she's out of the office until Monday, 2/21, at a sales convention. AACK. But I'm cautiously optimistic that maybe things will begin to turn around if this really goes through (I won't believe it until I have cash in hand!).

Other than that, it's just a day. I feel much better, my face no longer hurts and I can actually breathe out of my nose on occasion. I'm still going to the doctor today, though - the goo is still green, so I guess I'd better get on with the antibiotics and get better. This means I get to leave work early, woo hoo!!! :)

So maybe things are looking up. It's about time.

Woo hoo!!!

I'm feeling *much* better right now. I still have some congestion, and it's still coming out of my nose day-glo green more often than not, but my face doesn't hurt anymore. At all. This is amazing to me, considering that when I woke up this morning, the right side of my face was hurting like hell and puffy all the way up to (and including) my eye. I have no idea what happened to make me feel so much better, I'm just taking it and saying thank you. :-)

That being said, I'd better go take some more of the allergy/sinus medicine I've been taking. Maybe I won't have to make that doctor's appointment tomorrow after all....

Dreams

I've had a couple of pretty vivid dreams lately. I seldom remember dreams these days, so I thought I'd write these down for what they're worth. Both were very odd dreams, and I'm just writing what I remember of them.

In the first, I was at some kind of meeting. I was walking out to my car in the parking lot when I was approached by two young women, probably college-age, asking me some survey-type questions. I was politely paying about half attention, and one of them asked me if I wanted to take the online survey. I said, oh, sure, thinking they'd give me a website to go to on my own time. But no, they said, they had a computer set up there. OK, fine. It was set up in a Jeep (one of the bigger ones, like a Cherokee), on the passenger side. I sat down and the computer was set up in such a way that there was a wire frame holding it and resting on my legs. While I was sitting there, one of these young women went around to the driver's side, and before I knew it, she'd put the car in gear, jammed the gas pedal down, and the car took off with just me in it. I was freaked out, to say the least. Somehow I managed to get the keys out of the ignition and the car stopped with no harm done. I then found my purse and realized that all of my cards - debit, driver's license, insurance, everything - had been replaced with carefully crafted lookalikes and my real cards were all gone.

In the second, K and I lived in the house where I am now, but it was like it had been picked up and moved back to my hometown in Louisiana. I say that because my aunt and uncle, who live in that town, were there in my dream. In the dream, there was a gas leak suspected in the neighborhood, and everyone was being evacuated without the chance to take much with them. For some reason it had to be done very quickly and quietly. I was running around trying to collect as many of my photo albums and pictures and videos of J as I could, because I was afraid I'd never get the chance to come back to the house.

It's strange what the subconscious comes up with sometimes.

A sad day for hockey

This sucks.

I can't say as I'm surprised, but I am disappointed. And I'm not sure how they'll come back from this, if the league and the players can manage to agree before the 2005-06 season begins.

Guess I'll have to go to a Fort Worth Brahmas game to get my hockey fix.

An interesting tidbit

A friend shared this link on one of my parenting boards, and I thought it would be fun to see how compatible J and I are. I'm a Gemini, nad J is on the cusp of Cancer and Leo (so I ran both of his signs, to see what came back). Here's what it said (the things in bold are things I found to be particularly true for J and I):

Cancer and Gemini
When a Cancer child relates to a Gemini parent, it may be a rather curious relationship. They seem so mismatched it's hard to believe they even manage to get along. Gemini is intellectual, led by logic and wit, while Cancer runs on intuition and raw emotion. They constantly test one another's limits; the independent Gemini parent may love their child immensely but sometimes bristles at the constant attention required of their Cancer offspring. The Gemini may often be taken aback by their child's uproarious emotional responses to everything. The Cancer child, in turn, could feel that they and their parent are world's apart, and they can't understand how they could be so different. On the bright side, Cancer can teach Gemini how to slow down and appreciate the beauty of the world around them. At the same time, Gemini can often get through to their child by establishing a shared interest. Troubles may arise if Cancer feels unappreciated or ignored or when Gemini watches Cancer fly off the handle. Both Signs must understand that although they approach life from entirely different directions, it is possible for them to meet happily in the middle. The best aspect of the Gemini-Cancer family relationship is that -- once they realize they're allies -- they can soar to great heights together and make a place for themselves in the world. Gemini is thinking ahead and Cancer is quietly supporting these ideas and giving frank feedback. This family has a lot to learn from one another.

Leo and Gemini
When a Leo child is born to a Gemini parent, the family becomes playful and high-spirited. There is a lot of activity and optimism in this group. Leo has a spirit of creativity that is much admired by Gemini who in turn, enjoys the creative and mental stimulation. Arguments may arise if Leo finds their parent too flighty, perhaps unable to focus on anything for too long. Gemini may wonder where their child comes by their innately bossy nature. They compliment one another well, though. Leo's adventurous spirit wants to experience things firsthand, while Gemini would rather examine something new from several different angles. Together, this family can discover and understand more than they would alone.Both Leo and Gemini have a lot of energy. By working together, they can come up with great ideas and common goals. Leo likes the freedom to jump into projects and give the orders. Gemini wants intellectual freedom and is able to look at all sides of an argument. In spite of their different approaches to life, they make a compatible family unit. The best aspect of the Gemini-Leo family relationship is their youthful, even childlike view of the world. They can truly understand and value each other's input. Together they can discover aspects of life that they would have missed separately. Together, this family will thrive.

Yes, even at 2 1/2, J likes to give orders! LOL "Mama, sit down. Mama, let's go. Mama, reach that." And I can totally relate to the uproarious emotional outbursts. Last night we had a meltdown over not wanting to take pants off for bathtime - he spent a good ten minutes screaming, "No, want pants back on!" *SIGH* It does, it baffles me how he can have such a fit over what seems to be a small and relatively unimportant thing. Dealing with those emotional outbursts are what wears me out the most about parenting (that and the constant repetition of rules when he's pushing to see what his limits are). So I thought the analysis was pretty accurate.

Ow, make it stop.

I think this crud I've been battling for a week has turned into a sinus infection. Either that or I've got a hell of a rotten tooth. All I know is, the right side of my face, right under my eye, hurts like I've been punched and won't stop hurting. And when I blow my nose, the stuff that comes out is day-glo antifreeze green. (The beauty of being a parent - the gross-out factor diminishes considerably after you've been peed on, pooped on and barfed on, and no topic is too disgusting to discuss! LOL) It hurts, it hurts, and nothing stops it. I can't get in to see my doctor until 4:15 Thursday afternoon. That's almost 43 hours away. I hope I can stand it that long. I was prepared to suck it up and let whatever I have run its course, but when there's pain involved, I'm much more inclined to go to the doctor.

I'm watching Judging Amy - don't usually see it, but it just happened to be what the TV was turned to. One story line involved a juvenile who shot his terminally ill grandfather. Turns out his mother (her father is the one who was sick) is the one who gave the boy the key to the gun cabinet and convinced him that his grandfather would be better off dead, that it was for the best. How's that for a royally screwed-up family? Makes mine look positively normal.

I'm going to finish my Wild Turkey and Coke and try to sleep. I hope I can sleep.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Woo hoo. I haven't had a really happy Valentine's Day in I can't remember when. My horoscope said this year's was supposed to be good, but I haven't seen it yet. Oh well, maybe next year. :)

J's latest: Yesterday I was in the kitchen, he was in the living room. I kept hearing this noise, and couldn't tell what it was. I asked J what he was doing. His response? "Spittin'." I went into the living room to find him taking mouthfuls of Crystal Light from his cup and yes, SPITTING them on the carpet. !!!!!!!! That was one of those parental moments where you desperately want to laugh (because it was funny), but know you have to be stern to get the point across that that is not acceptable behavior. I told him we only spit in the sink when we brush our teeth, and most certainly not on the living room carpet. Whatever possessed him to do that, and why do I even try to keep my carpets halfway clean? LOL

And earlier this weekend, K was giving J a bath. J splashed water on K's shirt, and here's the conversation that followed:

J: "Daddy's shirt wet."
K: "Yeah, it's wet because J splashed and got it wet."
J (in all seriousness): "Don't know how that happened."

I'm really concerned that my child is headed for a future in either law or politics. LOLOLOL

I'm tired. Still fighting this crud. Hopefully it will clear off soon, I'm tired of having a stuffy head.

Back to work!

Ancient Chinese wisdom

Today's online fortune cookie:

"A good reputation is more valuable than money."

OK, sure, I'll pass that along to the county tax assessor when he wants to know where my property taxes are. And geez, this one isn't even made any more entertaining by adding "in bed" to the end of it! LOL

That's weird...

My last post shows up when I click the Archives link for February 2005, but doesn't seem to show up in Current Posts. ????

Here's a thought: What do you think it means to value someone's opinion? Can you value someone's opinion and still disagree with it? I think you can. K has said a couple of times lately that I don't value his opinion or don't care about what he thinks in situations where I don't agree with what he's saying or don't do what he'd like to see done. I don't think that means I don't value his opinion - regardless of where our marriage ends up, we'll always be J's parents, and we'll always be friends, and I'll always be glad to hear his opinion if he has one to share. But I think you can value someone's opinion, even solicit it, and not have to agree with them or go along with them. What do y'all think?

Almost time to go home - thank God, I don't think I could sit here much longer.

So tired

What's up with the human alarm clock?! Yesterday J was up at 5:00. He was finally convinced to go back to bed, but still, he was up. This morning I heard him talking starting sometime after 4:00. "There's a fan up there." (Last night he thought the ceiling fan was a ghost. I told him it was just the fan, and he said, "No like the fan." I told him, well, that was too bad, because it was attached to the ceiling and not going anywhere! LOL) "Mama, dropped Percy (one of his Thomas the Tank Engine trains) - Mama, Percy behind bed." (Well, Percy can stay there until daybreak, because I'm not getting up to find him right now.) He'd talk for a bit, then settle down. I'd doze off when he stopped talking and then wake up when I heard him again. Finally, around 5:15 I heard him saying, "Mama, get down - Mama, get down," and I knew if I didn't go see to him, he'd be out of bed before long. So I went and told him it was still dark, it was still time to sleep. He was persuaded to lay back down, but I heard him over the monitor while I was in the bathroom, so I have no idea if he actually went back to sleep. For all I know, he could have been awake non-stop since 4-something this morning.

And I'm tired. I'm not sure if it's the crud I'm fighting off, the allergy/sinus medicine I took (I thought it was the non-drowsy kind, but I'm sure feeling sleepy), the fact that it's getting close to "that" time of the month (which always makes me bone-crushingly tired for a few days), or a combination of all of the above. But I feel like I could just crawl on the floor under my desk and sleep! I've nearly fallen asleep here at my desk a couple of times today - I'd rest my head on my hand, just for a second, and find myself jerking awake a few seconds later. Not good. Whatever's making me tired, I hope it lays off soon.

At least it's almost time to go home. And since I planned ahead yesterday, I've got dinner done - chili, all I have to do is reheat and serve. :)

Domestications

I've been home cleaning and cooking today (I've got a pot of chili cooking on the stove, yum!), and it's given me some time to think. Always dangerous with a head full of snot, but I've done it anyway. My mother stayed home with me - she retired from teaching after my parents adopted me. But I grew up not expecting to stay home. It's the blessing and curse of being "bright", I guess, but it was just understood that I'd go to college and go on to "make something of myself" - my parents never even mentioned or considered the possibility of any other course for me, and I guess I never did, either. I just assumed I'd grow up and have a career.

And I have, such as my career is. I don't know if I've "made anything" of myself, but I'm employed. So today I've been thinking: If I ended up in another serious relationship or another marriage down the road, and I ended up with someone who made enough that I had the option of being a stay-at-home mother and wife, would I enjoy it? Had you asked me that question five years ago, I'd have said, hell, no. And even now, I don't relish the thought of letting myself become *completely* financially dependent on anyone - I'd still want some source of income for myself, and I'd never give up my law license. But now I think perhaps I could enjoy being a stay-at-home mom, given the opportunity to do so. It's been nice at home today, nice to see things get tidy and organized, nice to have time to prepare a meal without worrying that it's 6:30 and my child is hungry and what can I cook in a hurry. Ah well, this is probably all idle speculation anyway, since I'll probably never have the chance to stay home and see if I'd like it or not. But it's still kind of fun to think about.

How to spend a sick day

I called in sick this morning. I still feel fairly crappy. But it's been a productive day off. I took J to school, came home, cranked up the stereo (found some old mix tapes that friends had made for me in college - talk about a blast from the past!), and cleaned. There's still plenty I could do, but the living room is pretty near spotless - toys picked up, vacuumed, dusted, all that good stuff. I've finally gotten the clean laundry that's been piled on the floor put away, AND I even managed to clean out a closet! Not bad for a morning's work. I may take a break now, though - I suppose I really should rest. It just feels good to have one little corner of cleanliness in my house.

Vodka and Vitamin C

I still feel like crap, so I'm loading up on Tang, liberally laced with vodka. Vodka has medicinal properties, right?

Apparently my sense of smell is gone. I didn't think I'd put that much vodka in the Tang, but I'm pretty loopy right now. I should sleep very well tonight! (I keep having to go back and correct spelling errors.)

I'm taking a sick day tomorrow. I'm going to drop J off at school, put some money in the bank to cover my stupid overdrawn account (yep, it happened again, and payday isn't until Tuesday - my salary sucks rocks), come home, clean like crazy in the morning, and nap like crazy in the afternoon. Sounds like a good day to me.

And now, night night.

And another thing...

Went to the dermatologist yesterday for my follow-up, to have my one remaining stitch removed. The nurse looked at my little incision, said it seemed to be healing fine, and took the last little stitch out. Then she put some steri-strips on it to help hold it together and to avoid the need for a big bandage. I was thrilled!!! She said they should stay on three to five days. I've had steri-strips before for surgical incisions, and in the past they've stuck on like crazy - for weeks. Well, I don't know if they used different adhesive for my c-section, but I'll be damned if today I don't have just ONE of those little boogers left. Fume, fuss, fret. So I'm back to gauze and tape. Crap. Oh well, at least it's healing OK, and it doesn't hurt anymore - that's something to be thankful for.

Is it Friday yet? Is it payday yet?! (Don't know why I get excited about that, it's pretty much all spoken for before I even get it. But still....)

Ugh.

I feel like hammered crap. I don't know if it's sinuses, allergies, or just the barking crud, but it's something. All I know is, I can't breathe out of my nose, and I hate it. When I have to breathe through my mouth, it always makes me feel like my IQ has dropped about 20 points. Make it stop!!!!!

I'm too congested to even get into any serious thought. I'll get back to that later.

Sometimes I wonder...

With all the financial mess that keeps coming up, and with K and I seeming to have to work together so much to get out of the mess, maybe this is a sign from the universe that we should just give up on the separation idea and try to work out our differences. I don't know. But the way things keep happening, I can't help wondering.

Finances suck rocks. Money sucks rocks. Being broke sucks rocks. When does it get better?!?!

Do I ask for so much?!

Just when you think life couldn't get to be any more fun. I finished figuring our income taxes. Not only is there no refund, but it looks like we'll OWE money this year (we're still filing jointly at this point). Oh, the irony - we both took out 401(k) money when we changed jobs, because the cash was needed. And now that's bumped us up into another tax bracket, enough to where we owe. Property taxes on the house are due this month - I don't have the money, don't know where it's going to come from. I've filed bankruptcy, no one will extend me any credit. I don't make enough money to pay my freakin' attorney occupation taxes, and my company doesn't cover them (we get a princely $300 for professional dues and expenses, which barely covers my state bar dues, and doesn't touch local bar association dues and these stupid attorney occupation taxes), so they haven't been paid for 2004. That means I'm now suspended from the practice of law in the state of Texas. I'm not in good standing, therefore I can't look for a job that pays more, because no one will hire me if I'm not in good standing.

COULD LIFE POSSIBLY SUCK ANY MORE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

(I'd better not say that too loudly, because it probably could.)

All I want is to make enough to pay my bills, take care of J, save a little for my retirement and his education, and not have to constantly stress and scrimp and save and worry about money. Is that so much to ask? Apparently it is, because I can't seem to get it done. Every year money gets worse and worse. It's to the point now where my credit is a wreck, I have no savings (seven cents at last check), I have no safety net (no 401(k) money to borrow against or draw from), so I'm screwed. I don't know what to do, I don't know how things will ever get better, and I'm beginning to doubt they ever will. I'll have to work forever, they'll carry my cold, dead body away from whatever half-assed job I can get when I'm 85, and I'll die penniless, leaving J nothing to inherit but my debts.

And what am I doing at work today? Processing distribution requests from people with trust funds. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I could scream. They call or fax in requests, wanting money for this or that. "I need, I need, I need, I want, I want, I want." And boo hoo, it's never enough. I want to tell them, shut up, you could have to *work* for a living like the rest of us schlubs.

I'm so stressed out, I can't even eat. Not even chocolate. Now that's bad.

What a weekend.

Friday night I was scared to death at the thought of what could have happened to my baby boy. Today I'm just tired.

I think weekend naps are a thing of the past. The closest we got was today, when J climbed into bed, wanted to read his books, said "night night" - and stayed in bed for about five minutes. I'd gone out to the garage to get something from the car, and suddenly I heard this little voice - "Hey, Mommy!" I said, "Are you going to take a nap?" "No, no nap." *SIGH*

And it's been throwing and going all weekend. No nap, tired cranky boy, insisting on doing everything "by self". My house looks like a tornado hit it, J is learning to drink from a cup and wants to carry one everywhere (thankfully he drinks from his "bitty cup" - the dose cups that come with Children's Motrin, of all things - so the spills aren't huge, just numerous), and yesterday he gleefully pulled off his Pull-Ups, announced, "I have no underpants!" and peed on the carpet. *SIGH* Days/weekends like this, I feel like my life will be chaos forever. I love him dearly, and if anything did happen to him, I'd want to lay down and die. But days like this, he just wears me out.

On the bright side, though, he's learning to say "thank you". And he's even saying "I love you" occasionally. Now that's a day-brightener. :)

I've gotta get some sleep, I'm trying to come down with a bad case of something or other. I've got my follow-up with the dermatologist tomorrow - the nurse can take out that last little bit of stitch, and I can get some reassurance that the incision is healing up OK in the absence of stitches.

To quote my son, it's "night night time."

The scare of a lifetime

I picked J up from daycare this afternoon. They have a basket of candies out on Fridays, and we always get one. This afternoon he got an orange candy. It's round, but he's had them before - we always talk about how we lick them, we don't try to swallow them. He's always done just that, held a little round candy in his hand and licked it, making a sticky mess of himself and everything around him. Not sure why this afternoon was different, but we were driving and suddenly he's not talking, not making a sound, and I realized he was choking on the candy. It seemed like an eternity until I could find a place to pull over, the candy would pop loose and he'd just scream, and then it would get stuck again. I was crying and praying and I couldn't stop fast enough. I ran around to the back seat and was able to stick my finger down J's throat to where he threw up a little and coughed the candy up. I threw it away and hugged him and we both cried. He wanted to get down, so I took him out of the car seat and just held him. I have never been so scared in my life. I was shaking after all of this. I think J recovered before I did, he was asking for his water and his tractor and his duck. Sweet baby boy. I asked him if he was OK, and he said, "Hum" and hugged me. I am so, so, so, so thankful that he's OK, words can't even express, and I think we'll steer clear of round candies for a while.

And all night he's been saying, "Orange candy go away!" I tell him, that's right, no more orange candy. I'm crying just thinking about it.

God, I was so scared.

Friday!!!

So glad it's Friday!!! It's actually been a pretty productive day at work, so I think I'm ending the week on a good note. I don't get a bonus this year, which sucks, as I could really use the cash. But what are ya gonna do about that? *shrug*

J is so smart, he just amazes me. He always likes to go around to the front door when we get home, and the other day I told him we couldn't go in the front door, it was raining and we'd get wet. Last night we pulled into the garage, and he said, "Go in front door, not raining anymore!" He also saw a picture on the cover of a book - the picture was of a woman walking through gates, and J said, "That's mommy - mommy wait - mommy have to wait for daddy." I'm stunned that he's making up stories about pictures at not even three years old. What will I do when he figures out he's smarter than me?!

My leg is doing all right - it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did earlier in the week. I'm still going to keep my follow-up appointment with the dermatologist on Monday, as I think there's a little bit of a stitch left in there. I could pull it out myself, but I reckon it's better left to the medical professionals. Besides, I'd like some reassurance that it's healing up OK.

No big plans for Super Bowl Sunday. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to convince J that football *is* fun to watch, or at least get him interested in the halftime show. Otherwise, it will be business as usual at our house. Not that I much care if I miss it, it's not like I'm a big fan of either team that's playing. But I like a good football game, so I'd watch if J wasn't having a cat over it not being Bob the Builder.

Only an hour until quittin' time, woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!

This sucks.

One of my least favorite things about this job: the complaints. If you screw something up, you get dinged with a complaint. More than 2 a quarter and you're not meeting expectations (which reflects unfavorably on your review). But you're trying to juggle so much, it's almost impossible *not* to get complaints. I understand that if you piss off a client, they're perfectly entitled to call in and bitch about your poor work. But I'm unaccustomed to working in an environment where people are *looking* for screwups and documenting them and pointing them out, and if they don't, their not finding your screwups reflects negatively on *them*. Blech. (Yeah, I got a complaint this morning. Can you tell?!)

Blech.

That's how I feel today. Blech. No specific reason, just a general lack of enthusiasm.

We had some excitement at work yesterday. The fire alarm went off around 4:35, and we all trooped down the seven flights of stairs to the street level. (Thank goodness we weren't in our old building, we were on the 29th floor there!) There were firefighters there and you could smell smoke, and we were all told to go outside. So we herded around for a bit, and a lot of us decided, screw it, it's close enough to 5:00 (it was about 4:45 by this point), we aren't waiting around to go back in. So I at least got to leave a little early out of the deal.

My leg doesn't hurt quite so much today. It seems to be healing up OK, but I may still go to the dermatologist on Monday. I had the appointment scheduled to take the stitches out. That's not entirely necessary anymore, but it looks like there's still a little bit of one stitch in there, and I'm hesitant to just yank it out myself. At any rate, I'm not ready to run a marathon, but it's not quite the misery it has been, so that's progress.

I've got a crapload to do, so I'd better get back to it. More later!

Vanity, thy name is woman...

I told y'all I had that little blob zapped off my leg last Monday, right? Seemed to be healing up all right. Well, I'm not sure what happened, but all the stitches pulled out last night. OW, OW, OW. K stayed with J, and I wrapped up my bleeding leg and drove myself to the ER. I appreciated that K was staying with J, and told him that would be better than all of us going to the ER - it was getting late, J had skipped his nap, and it would have been hell on wheels trying to keep him contained at the ER. But it sure was a lonely thing, driving myself through the rain last night. Anyway, the stitches popped out, and the nurse checked me out pretty quickly. The cold rag and towel wrapped tightly on it (with an Ace bandage - credit to K for that idea, I couldn't figure out how to keep the rag on the cut, and he suggested that) had stopped the bleeding, so they were in no hurry to get to me after that. And the ER was PACKED. *sigh* Over four hours and a $50 co-pay later, the doctor told me that they couldn't sew the incision back up, that since it had been more than 24 hours since the original incision, it would be likely to abscess if they sewed it back up. So basically, put some gauze and tape on it, and let it heal up on its own. I was all nice and neatly stitched up, and now I'm going to end up with a rather substantial scar. Feh. Maybe I'd have been better off just leaving the damn blob there. And it hurts rather a bit. I didn't get to bed until after 1:00, and J woke up at 3:45 with a poo (he'd gone to sleep at 7:45, thankfully he was open to the idea of going back to sleep - I'd have choked if he'd been up for the day at 3:45!). I was so tired, and my leg was hurting so, that I decided to call in sick this morning. I dropped J off at daycare, and came home and slept from about 7:45 to 12:15. Guess I needed the rest!

Now I'm goofing around here, and watching Bubba-Hotep. It's pretty funny, if you want some good mindless entertainment!

Saturday night - dinner with C. We had a really nice time. :) Good dinner, too.

My leg hurts, I think I'll get off of here and go lay down. That seems to be the only way this doesn't hurt. I hope it heals up quick, this is damned annoying!!!!

Nerves.

I'm hoping I haven't shot myself in the foot at work. Such a big deal was made over Internet use, and I've been pretty good about keeping mine to a minimum. But today, my manager came by to drop off my pay stub, and there I was, online, big as Dallas. *SIGH* He didn't say anything, I didn't say anything, and I just kept right on working like nothing had happened. I just hope I haven't put myself in a bad spot. I'll have to be more careful in the future.

A letter to K.

I seem to have a hard time getting across what I mean when I'm talking to K, so I'm going to try to put my thoughts in writing here, as if I were writing a letter to him. He may never see it, but if I organize my thoughts in written form, maybe they'll come out better in spoken form.

K,

First, let me start by saying that I really am sorry you're bothered by the idea or the actuality of me going out. If we've managed to muddle through this separation for as long as we have without doing each other bodily harm, I think (and I'd hope) you know that I want to keep things amicable, I do value your friendship, and I don't want to do anything in a spirit of spite or malice to intentionally hurt you. I hope you know that.

But going out - not often, just occasionally - is something I'd really like to do. Why, you ask, can't I wait a little bit longer? Well, I like knowing that someone wants to pay attention to me, wants to spend time in my presence. There's probably no way to say what I'm going to say without sounding like a bitch, but I'm not saying it in a spirit of meanness. I'm not doing this to "get back" at you for anything, but the fact is, when you were spending so much time with JG, it seemed to me like you went out and did what you wanted with very little regard for how I might feel about it. Yes, there were times that you asked if it was OK, and yes, I said it was. But I felt like if I'd put my foot down and said, "hell no, you can't go," I'd have come across as the bitchy, nagging wife who didn't respect your need for time to yourself, and you'd have resented me for that. So it was let you do what you wanted, or be resented as a shrewish wife - seemed to me like I'd get the short end of that stick either way it went. I knew you needed a certain amount of time on your own, and I tried my best to respect that, even when I wanted to say, no, dammit, stop spending time with her and come home and spend time with your wife and son. But when you went out driving with her for 6, 8, 10, 12 hours at a time, when y'all went hiking all day long on a Saturday, I don't think it ever crossed your mind to be concerned about how I might be feeling at your extended absences. And when you realized how you were feeling about her, at a time when we did still have a marriage that might could have been saved had that been what we wanted to do, you didn't think of me and back away from the relationship. Instead, you told me how you felt about her and kept on seeing her. You might be thinking, but Lisa, you were OK with that. I was OK with it only because I'd realized you weren't going to stop seeing her at that time, no matter what I said, and I could either let myself be hurt by it or I could not let it hurt me. I opted not to let it hurt me.

I want to go out at this point because I feel like my life has been pretty much devoid of affection since you met JG. You put so much of yourself into that friendship, I felt like there wasn't anything left for me, even before the separation came up. I felt like all your consideration and affection and concern went to her. Maybe that was because she wasn't the little human bulldozer that I am, maybe she just evoked that protective instinct in you where I don't so much, I don't know. Do you remember me telling you on different occasions that you were taking me for granted? I do. I'd finally get upset enough that I felt compelled to say something, and I'd cry, and tell you that, and you'd say, yes, you were, and you'd apologize. But nothing would change. I didn't feel like I ever got kisses or hugs just because, I felt like the only time you expressed any physical affection toward me was when you wanted sex. I felt like I had to ask for affection, and I was just too damned proud to do it - I thought that should come naturally if I meant to you what I should as a wife. And if I didn't mean to you what a wife should mean, I wasn't going to beg and I wasn't going to keep you somewhere you didn't want to be. But I miss the affection. I miss getting a little attention from someone who's really interested in spending time with me, in what I have to say, in what's on my mind.

Remember you said once that you missed the excitement of discovering something new about someone, that the sparkle and that thrill of discovery was gone in our relationship because we'd known each other so long? Ideally, once the new wears off a long-term relationship, the sparkle will be replaced by something deeper and more enduring. But you missed the sparkle, and you went looking for it elsewhere. It started as a friendship but turned into something more, and I don't know if you really realize how much damage that did to our marriage, and how hard it would be for me to ever repair that. I guess this is getting off the original topic of why I want to go out, but maybe it relates in a roundabout sort of way. The deal with JG hurt me, hurt us, a lot. I want to know that I can mean something to someone, even if it's just enough interest to ask me out for dinner. You and I have talked, and I've promised you that nothing sexual will happen with anyone else until things are settled between us, and it won't. And I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling the way you do, I'm not telling you to stop feeling that way. But I'm torn between wanting to keep the peace with you and wanting to do something for myself, that makes me happy and makes me feel good. So this may be one of those things we just have to disagree on, and we both may just have to cope with the fact that the other isn't completely at ease with the situation.

L.

Dammit.

My checking account is overdrawn again, I don't get paid until Monday. Will my finances *ever* get straightened out?! I'm so tired of constantly having to worry about them, of constantly being stressed over money. I could just cry. Getting paid twice a month instead of every two weeks really blows chunks. You wouldn't think it would make that much of a difference, but it does. I'm working on the tax return - hopefully I'll get a nice refund, but it's all going to pay property taxes. *SIGH*

I'm going to dinner with C on Saturday. This makes me happy. K and I had a big talk about how this makes him feel. This makes me sad. He said it really bothers him, he didn't know how much it would bother him when we agreed that it was OK to meet people and go out. He said it's made worse by the fact that C is someone I know, have known for a while. He said he felt like I didn't care what he thought about it, and it made him wonder if I cared what he thought about anything. He said he realized he's being a hypocrite, but he can't help the way he feels. Now how do I respond to that? I tried to explain my feelings on it, but I'm not sure I did a very good job. It's not that I don't care what he thinks - I must care, or I wouldn't even be bothered that he's bothered. I'm sorry he feels this way, I wish I could change that (OK, I suppose I could, if I did what he'd like me to do and didn't go out). Of course, the argument can be made that I must not care that much, or I'd respect his wishes. And so in that light, maybe I don't care, at least not about what he thinks of this particular thing. Maybe I *am* an insensitive bitch.

I realize that what I'm about to say could be construed as hurt feelings or sour grapes or something, but I don't intend it to be. He's upset by me going out with anyone now. Well, for a long time, that shoe was on my foot. I was upset about him spending so much time with JG. I tried to tell him that, but to no avail - I still felt like he'd cut and run whenever she called, with no regard for me, and I felt like all of his affection was channelled toward her with very little left for me. Sure, there were times he'd ask if it was OK for him to run off and do whatever and I'd say it was, but I thought I was trying to be respectful of his need for time to do his own thing when I said OK, go. I thought I'd be the nagging, bitchy wife if I always said, no, I'd prefer you stay here. So maybe in some roundabout way, this whole mess is all my fault anyway. If I'd put my foot down hard at some point, would the marriage have been salvageable? Or would he have seen me as a controlling, nagging, unreasonable wife and felt more and more stifled? I guess we'll never know now. But part of me thinks, well, this is a case of what goes around, comes around - all that time with JG and the harm it did to our marriage is coming around. I'm sorry K is finding out how I felt. It was a pretty rotten way to feel, and I don't wish it on anyone. And I can't tell him he's wrong to feel that way - he's entitled to feel whatever he wants, and I don't think any guy worth his salt would be OK seeing his separated wife, or ex-wife, even, going out with someone else. But I'm not saying, OK, let me go along with what you want, I'll just not go out right now. Maybe I really am an insensitive bitch. But if that's the case, why do I feel so bad about it?

I'm talking in circles. It's late, I think I'll just go to bed before I lose the ability to form complete sentences.

Just a day.

It's Thursday. It's kind of cool-ish. It's just a day.

I did find out that I'm done with my proactives for January - wooooooo hooooooo!!! Exceeding expectations, that's me. :)

I watched Bruce Almighty last night, the movie where Jim Carrey is given all of God's powers for a while. It took me a little bit to get into it, but it turned out to be a funny little movie. I enjoyed it.

Daycare drop-off continues to be a bit of a struggle, although it wasn't quite as bad as usual this morning. Still, it makes me tired.

This post in The Good Husband's blog got me to thinking. Do all guys really need to be asked or told to do things? Do men not have the initiative to see when something needs to be done and do it? If a man sees that his significant other is in a situation where she could use the help, can he not jump in and help? That's kind of what the post brought to mind, making me think that men are just big helpless lumps who can't act without direction. Surely that can't be true, can it? ;-) But what if a woman is really independent? Guys, do you wait to be asked for help if you think she can handle something by herself? Do you hold back from helping for fear of her getting insulted and taking your assistance as a sign that she can't handle the situation? Do you help, not because she needs the help, but because you think she might appreciate it? I'm pretty darned independent and pretty inclined to do things myself, and this is something I'd really like to know. If I end up with someone else down the road, will I have to constantly ask for help, tell him what to do, make him feel needed, and never expect spontaneous gestures of helpfulness? If that's the case, I'll either need to work on that tendency of mine to bulldoze ahead with things or just be single forever. LOL

Absolute insanity.

That's what this day has turned into. I went to the doctor this morning about my wrists - biggest waste of time ever. I was going through the workers' comp process at work, and the doctor I saw basically told me that he couldn't tell me much since my wrists weren't hurting today. He pretty much said, you're fine, just pay attention to how you're sitting at the computer, take some Advil if it hurts, and come back if it gets really bad. Gee, thanks, that was worth missing the better part of a morning at work for. If it hurts again, screw workers' comp, I'm going to my regular doctor.

Then our team went out for a birthday lunch for one of my co-workers - nice lunch, but we were gone for two hours. There goes the morning.

Now I'm back, I have callbacks and reviews that are going to expire if I don't do something with them today and research to do, and I haven't even looked at my inbox. And it's 2:00 already. AACK. I'm trying to figure out what *has* to get done today and tackle that first. It sucks when your job can get so insane that you dread taking time off for any reason.

More later....

Finally!

I feel like I've been offline forever. My home computer is in desperate need of memory. I keep losing my online connection, and it's so slow when I do manage to stay on for more than two minutes at a time that it's not worth the effort to keep trying to reconnect. So probably no posting from home until the memory is upgraded.

Let's see, what all has happened? Probably quite a lot, but I'm playing catch-up at work (was out yesterday, more on that in a minute), so I'll just hit the high points.

*Out yesterday - thought I'd kill two birds with one stone and take care of two appointments, first, seeing about my wrist pain and second, having a little blob removed from my leg. My wrist pain didn't get checked out - I'm going through the workers' comp process at work, and no one bothered to tell me they'd have to investigate first before they could give authorization. (What's to investigate?! I type all day, my wrists have started hurting, they used to hurt less, now they hurt more. There, done.) And of course the doc couldn't diagnose me without authorization. So that was wasted effort. I did use my day off to good advantage, though - took some more things to Once Upon A Child and Half Price Books, got a little cash, had a tiny bit of time to myself, and then saw the dermatologist at 3:00. I liked her - I'd recommend her if anyone is looking for a dermatologist in the Dallas area! I had this little fatty blob taken off my inner thigh - nothing wrong with it, it doesn't hurt, it's not malignant, it's been there for years. It's just oogy, and I was tired of looking at it. So I got that zapped off - it's sore today, but it was no big deal.

*C called (he's the guy I was supposed to go to dinner with last weekend). :) I figured he would, if I just laid low and let him go at his own speed. (I may have mentioned before, he's very deliberate in his actions.) He'd left a message on my cell phone Sunday evening, and I called him back yesterday. (On the message he said he knew it might be short notice, but he wanted to see if he could steal me away for dinner. I thought that was sweet. Points for spontaneity, minus points for not remembering that a single mom might not have the option of spontaneity! LOL) We talked for a bit. He's out of town part of this week on business (he started his own law practice last year), but he said he'd call when he got back and we'd make plans to go out. (Am I reading too much into it, or does "go out" sound more like a date than not? I know we're friends, but if it were me talking to a friend, I think I'd be more inclined to talk in terms of "getting together" than "going out". I know, I'm probably way overanalyzing this.) So we'll see! I'm just happy that he called.

*J is very much into "no". Seems like most everything these days requires an exertion of will on my part, and that's very tiring. I'm trying, though, to take time whenever possible to explain to him why things need to be done the way I'm asking him to do them, why I want him not to do certain things, and so on. I'm trying really hard not to fall into "because I'm your mother and I told you so", and not to let him push me until I snap and yell. Neither of those are good for him in the long run. But it sure does take a lot of energy to try to guide my willful, stubborn, opinionated little man.

*I have my last quarterly review for 2004 with my manager at 11:00. Yikes. I think I've improved since last time, I hope he sees it the same way. Wish me luck!

More later....

Pretty damn funny

The Best (?) Newspaper Headlines

I'd love to be able to read some of the actual stories!

Something strange

I went to Bath Junkie on Monday to spend Christmas cash, right? I had a grand time doing it - got salt scrub, two different scents of bubble bath and some lovely shea butter cream, as well as a scent stash for my car. One of the bottles of bubble bath was a bright pink, made that color at my request. It's been sitting in my bathroom since then, and this morning I noticed the bubble bath is clear now, no longer bright pink. What the...????? The other bottle is still the peach shade it was dyed. They're sitting right next to each other. I've not used either of them yet, and I have NO idea how or why the color disappeared from the pink bubble bath. It's a mystery and a puzzle. It still smells good, it's just not pink. Veeeeeery strange.

To call or not to call

The dinner date that wasn't - talked to him on Monday after he'd left me a couple of messages, he said we'd talk soon, haven't heard since then. I think I'm better off letting things lie, letting him call me, rather than me calling him. What do y'all think?

Wallow in the pity pit.

It's a Friday that feels like a Monday. The day started off with a screamfest at daycare. It was one of those mornings where J had to be restrained by one of the teachers to keep him from running out the door after me. I could hear him wailing all the way down the stairs. I got in the car and just sobbed. It rips my heart out to leave him like that. I called about half an hour later and checked on him, and he was fine. He always is, but still, that doesn't make it any easier.

Then there was traffic. The highway I normally take was shut down - big wreck, fuel spill, etc. - and traffic was backed up to kingdom come. It was backed up to just about 15 miles from my house, which meant I'd be waiting a LONG time if I'd stayed there. So I cut across to the interstate, which made for a long trip, but it beat sitting still. I came dragging in to work around 9:00, finally. I called to let them know I'd be late and why, and I'm sure someone somewhere will see that and penalize me for being tardy. I think that's kind of silly when you're late for a reason totally out of your control - traffic happens, and none of us have any control over that, give it a rest.

And now there's my wrists. They've been hurting off and on for a while, and this morning my right wrist hurts so much, it's hurting down into my fingers. OW. I called my doctor - the earliest she can see me is Monday morning at 8:00. I had another appointment scheduled for that afternoon, so I decided to just take the day off. My second appointment is up here close to work, so I'll still have to make my drive in, but that's OK. I probably shouldn't be typing so much, but it's part of my job, and besides, I want to write.

I've given up on the sidebar stuff on my blog for now. I'll mess with it later.

Private practice - thoughts. I've got to decide if this is something I really want to do or not. Pros: more flexibility, no one to answer to but myself and my clients (well, and the State Bar, of course), the potential to do really well for myself. Cons: no financial reserves to fall back on during the start-up period, no way I can think of to get those reserves, no real solid experience to build on, no client base to bring with me. That's what I come up with off the top of my head. A friend assures me that if I decide this is really what I want to do, things will fall into place much more easily than I might think, and that may be the case. But it's a big step, especially when I'm not just responsible for myself. I've got to be able to take care of J, too. I have a hard time stepping out on faith that all will work out when it's such a very big step and when the consequences are so major if I fail. I mean, if I'm broke, I can't pay for daycare, can't pay for utilities, can't pay the house note - what would we do, go live in a box?! The women I've talked to who started their own practices when they had children had the security of a spouse who made a really good salary and enough savings to tide them over if the first few months were lean. They also came from private practice and had clients who were likely to follow them, and practical experience in their areas of practice. A former co-worker who's started his own practice told me his wife had to go back to work, and he hated that, but there again, it was a safety net from a financial perspective - she had the option to go back and bring in more money for the family while he got his business started. I have none of that. I've got only myself (although I know K would help me financially as much as he could, he'll have his own finances to tend to, and it's not like either of us is flush with cash), theoretical experience in my chosen field, and no clients who'll follow me. I'm not trying to be Captain Bringdown, I'm just trying to look at the facts objectively. Is the potential for the freedom of being my own boss, and the potential for a good income at some point in the future, enough to get me past the difficulties of starting up and finding clients and paying my essential bills? And I'm still trying to recover from bankruptcy, is now the time to leave a steady paycheck? I don't know. It rolls around in my head and never sees the light of day much, since I seem to more often be dealing with personal issues and child-related things. But the thought is still there.

This is a bad day.

No, nothing particularly bad has happened. I'm just unmotivated, don't want to work, and can't seem to make myself care about my job right now. I'm hoping it's just because I'm tired. Tonight, no staying up late - when J settles, I'm going to bed. Whatever's on the computer will just have to wait, because I've got to get more sleep than I have been. Maybe a good night's rest (more than four hours' worth) will improve my outlook.

AARGH!!!

What's up with my blog?! All the stuff on the side has disappeared, in spite of my best efforts to restore it. I don't know if it's something with the profile, or what, but it's very annoying. Harrumph.

How to be the perfect date

I found this article on AOL/Match.com - guys, thoughts? Is this the way for a woman to be the perfect date? (For what it's worth, I can already talk somewhat sensibly about sports, love beer, and can cook - I think I'm the perfect woman. LOLOL)

(And does #10 really work, do guys eventually start picking up after themselves???)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to be a great girlfriend in 10 easy steps

By Bob Strauss

To most guys, There's Something About Mary was the perfect film about the perfect girlfriend: Someone who drinks beer, loves sports, smiles sweetly in the face of infantile behaviour and looks like Cameron Diaz. Granted, there's nothing you can do about the Cameron Diaz part, but here are some tips for turning yourself into the kind of gal that prompts guys to ask, "Why can't the women I date be as cool as her?"

1. Know the league rules. Want to make a guy's jaw drop? Give him your blow-by-blow of the Arsenal/Man U showdown. Earn him a few quid on your World Cup predictions, and he'll propose to you faster than David Beckham's latest Lamborghini.

2. Lose the coasters. These little frisbee things are the bane of a guy's existence; if you insist that he use one, you can't help but come off like a proper miss at a girl's academy. Which would you rather have: A boyfriend, or a smudge-free coffee table?

3. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they're stupid — especially if they're stupid — a guy's jokes are an irreplaceable token of his manhood. If you don't laugh, it's just like waving around a pair of knitting needles. Extra points if you fake a giggle fit in front of his mates.

4. Share the wealth. Speaking of his friends, if you follow all the tips listed here, they're going to be very jealous that the two of you are an item — so coax out your single female pals every now and then and let everyone mingle. If nothing else, it's good karma.

5. Let him get lost. No, don't throw him out of the house. The next time you're out driving, and your boyfriend refuses to ask for directions, cut him some slack. Losing his way on the M5 is the closest he may ever get to the adrenaline thrill of skiing the Alps.

6. Flatter his ego. Whenever your boyfriend tells his latest tiresome tale about slaying some work-related ogre — or starts wondering whether, deep down, he's really suited for life as an epic poet — just tell him he's terrific and you believe in him 100 percent. Even if you don't.

7. Know when to stay home. No guy will come right out and say it — at least, no guy who wants to keep all his body parts — so if you pay extra-careful attention to your boyfriend's mood, you'll know when he wants to spend a night out with the gang by himself.

8. Buy a round. If you do happen to be out with the gang, buying the next pitcher — or, better yet, turning everyone on to the kind of fancy drink (like Cosmopolitans) that only girls seem to know about — will instantly establish your cool-chick credentials.

9. Wear a baseball cap. You know how naturalists, when they want to infiltrate a pack of hyenas, dress in fur pelts? Not only will a baseball cap make you look sexy — especially if you wear it backward — but it'll do a lot to increase your boyfriend's comfort level.

10. Don't sweat the small stuff. The list is too extensive to include here, but are loose toenail clippings, unwashed towels, and torn jeans really worth a full-blown argument? Go with the flow, and you'll be surprised how often your boyfriend cleans up his dirty habits all by himself.

Snips and snails and puppy dog tails...

And spontaneous combustion, that's what little boys are made of. Tonight the topic of debate was pajamas - he decided he didn't want them on, "I'd rather be naked!" (He is such a boy.) So we had a knock-down-drag-out over being clothed, and by the time the jammies were on, it was too late for the usual pre-bedtime TV watching. When he asked to watch Elmo and I told him no, we'd used up our TV time by trying to get out of putting our pajamas on, there went nuclear meltdown round 2. *SIGH* He screamed for a good 10 minutes before finally letting out one last half-hearted "no", grabbing his blanket, and heading off to bed saying "night night time." Baby boy. We read the cookie mouse book (If You Give A Mouse A Cookie) and he finally settled down. And he said "I luff you" before going off to sleep - that does make up for a world of tantrums. :-) Hard work, but I wouldn't trade the baby moose for anything.

Since then, it's been laundry and cleaning the kitchen and computer time and a bottle of Guinness and staying up later than is prudent. Just call me our lady of perpetual tiredness. A childless friend at work asked another friend at work (who has FOUR kids) how he did it. He said he just took his vitamins and kept going, and tried not to stop and think about it too much. And that's pretty much what it takes to be a parent, especially one who works full-time - just keep going and doing what needs to be done.

On a completely unrelated note - back to the date that wasn't. I've talked to him since then, we last talked on Monday and he said he'd talk to me soon. I'm not calling, I'm waiting for him to call. Good idea or bad? Based on past experience, he tends to be more interested (or at least it seems that way to me) if he doesn't hear from me first, if he's the one taking the lead. So I'm going with that for now.

Seems like I had more on my mind to write about, but it's left me now. I'm waiting for this last load of laundry to dry - I'm thinking it will soon be time for a new dryer, this one doesn't seem to be working quite so well anymore. (Great, something else out of the ordinary to pay for.) Oh well, if any of my seemingly important thoughts come back to me, I'll share later.

Mmmm....

I've just discovered a new addiction: Starbucks now offers something called Chantico drinking chocolate. It comes in a little bitty cup (6 ounces), but it's sooooo rich that much more than that would probably just make you feel sick. It's like drinking a liquid Hershey bar. I may try to stick my head in the cup and lick it to get the last bits, it's so good! LOLOL

Just tired...

It's such a Monday. Last night J didn't want to sleep. He was out of his bed at least four times, maybe five, I lost count. He was awake until almost 11:00. YOW. And he was up at 5:30 this morning. Needless to say, he was a sobbing, screaming mess when I dropped him off at daycare this morning. If I wasn't so tired, I'd have cried myself.

And now I'm at work. This is one of those days where I'm finding it very hard to motivate myself to do anything, much less be enthusiastic about it. I'm counting the hours until quittin' time....

The best laid plans...

Well, I ended up not having my nice dinner tonight. He called and told me he'd gotten sick, didn't want to chance giving it to me and J. *SIGH* He said we'd reschedule soon, he's got a wedding to go to next weekend but we'll figure out a good time. I was rather disappointed, even though I really can do without catching cooties right now (even if I'd had fun catching them! LOL). I saw that he'd called my cell this evening, but since J has been on such a tear (see below), I haven't had a chance to call back. It's late now, guess that will have to wait until tomorrow. I did think it was sweet that he called, though - just to see how I was doing, said the voice mail. :)

And it's been a no-nap weekend for J. Last night bedtime was a breeze, he went right to bed when it was time, was asleep in a flash. Tonight? He was cranky all evening, took a dislike to his pajamas ("no, be nekkid!"), tried to negotiate for more TV when I told him it was time to turn it off, and had a thermonuclear meltdown when the negotiations didn't turn out the way he was hoping. *SIGH* It took 30 minutes, at least, to get him settled down. But he's sleeping now, and hopefully he'll sleep all night like he has been.

Tomorrow I have a big day of shopping and sleeping planned - I'm off, I'm taking J to school, and it will be mama's mental health day. I'm going to Bath Junkie to use some of my Christmas gift cards. Should be fun!

Goin' somewhere nice!

Looking forward to dinner tomorrow - we're going somewhere quite nice, and it wasn't my idea. :-) I've said it before, I'm not expecting a blessed thing other than a nice dinner and good conversation and maybe a hug. I'll be sure to update and let y'all know how it goes.

J opted for no nap today. He bounced up and down for a while, then climbed out of bed twice, and that was the end of that. By the end of the evening he'd been up for 14 hours and was so tired he could barely stand up, and it took him about a minute and a half to fall asleep when I put him in bed. So the big boy bed is going well, with the exception of the nap thing. I'm hoping he'll eventually realize that he *can* take a nap in the big bed. Oh, and we've also discovered that if he plays "boom" on the bed (that being, he stands up, I nudge him very gently with one finger, and he falls over - he thinks it's great fun!), the slats under the mattress fall out. AARGH. Time to go to Home Depot and cut a piece of plywood to fit under the mattress.

I watched a movie tonight that probably ranks in the top five most underwhelming movies I've ever seen (Swimming Pool also falls in this category - yawn). Tonight I watched Ju-On, a Japanese horror film, complete with subtitles, that was supposed to be scary as all get out. Our local movie critic just raved about it. Hmph. He must have been smoking something really good, because I just didn't get it. I was decidedly underwhelmed. I tend to scare pretty easily, at least at scary movies, and this just didn't do it. It was basically 90 minutes of people jumping out and saying "boo". Maybe I'm just a cultural ignoramus, but I say give it a miss if you haven't seen it.

Time for bed - I need my beauty rest for my date tomorrow. ;-)

50 First Dates

I just finished watching this. I'm not a huge fan of Adam Sandler, or Drew Barrymore, either, but I liked The Wedding Singer so I thought I'd give this a look. What a good little movie! Not Oscar-winning material by any means, but a funny, sweet, sad movie that made me cry. (Yeah, deep down I really am a mushy, squishy, girly girl. And people think I'm so logical and practical. ;-) ) Seriously, can you imagine loving someone so much that you'd be willing to basically rebuild your relationship every day because they didn't remember from one day to the next? That boggles the mind (mine, anyway).

Now that I'm all sniffly and weepy, I think I'll get some sleep.

Bitch and whine

I really, really, really hate clients who call repeatedly before I get a chance to call them back. I have one client who calls at least once a week, if not more often. He called yesterday, I was away from my desk. We have a 24-hour callback standard, which means I have until 2:30 this afternoon to call him back. Today he's already called 2 more times. I'm like, will ya just freakin' wait until I call back?! And he's one who won't talk to anyone but ME, his assigned officer. He won't tell the officers who are the front line when it comes to answering the phones a thing about what he wants, just insists that he has to talk to me. It might be a question they could help him with (they're qualified to do what I do, and some of them have been here for ages and probably know a heck of a lot MORE than I do), but noooooo, he must talk to me. If it's that damned important that he has to call back three times, why doesn't he tell them what's going on and let them help? That's why they're here!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

Am I a bad person?

Back when all this separation stuff first came up, K and I talked and agreed that it was OK to meet new people, go out for coffee, dinner, etc. He went out a few times, but somewhere along the way decided he'd rather not do anything right now, that our status was uncertain enough that he'd feel more comfortable waiting until things were a bit more settled. I can respect that, and it's certainly his choice.

My problem is, he's said that he'd prefer I not date until after we're divorced. (Who knows when that will be?) He's said he can't tell me what to do, but that's his preference. And I feel like every time I go out, even something as simple as dinner, I end up feeling like he's somehow a better person than me because he's not going out at all, like he's taking the moral high ground and I'm just a bad person. Am I? I'm not actively looking to meet new people, but if someone I know (like my former co-worker) asks me out, I'd like to be able to go and not get the guilt trip from K about it. I feel like he's trying to change the rules mid-game - we agreed it was OK to go out early on, and now he's saying, hey, wait, I'm not OK with that after all. Is it wrong of me to think that's just a tad bit unfair? Is it wrong of me to want to go out, to enjoy a little attention and have a good time? (And for what it's worth, if he were to go out with someone this weekend, I'd tell him, go, have a good time, and I'd mean it - guess he and I are just wired differently in that regard.)

K asked me why I couldn't/wouldn't just wait until things were final to date (I think he and I have a different view of what constitutes "dating" - to him, going out to dinner means you're dating, not dating someone exclusively, but dating - to me, you aren't "dating" in the sense that I understand the word unless you're seeing someone pretty exclusively and pretty often, to me an evening out at dinner doesn't equal dating - but there again, maybe it's me who's wrong, I don't know). So I've thought about it. And I've come to the conclusion that I want to go out because I'm (and this sounds pathetic, but it's true) starved for affection. Even before the separation issue came up, K was devoting so much of his time and affection and attention to JG that I didn't feel like there was any left for me. I felt like furniture, something he noticed if I could be useful to him but something to step around the rest of the time. I told him that, told him he took me for granted - he agreed, but nothing changed. He kept on asking how high when JG said jump, and that did a lot of damage. In many ways, it would have been less painful if he'd just slept with her. But he got emotionally involved, to the exclusion of me, and that's what did the harm. Anyway, I felt like I was getting no attention from him for such a long time, I felt like I never got kisses or hugs (and I got to the point where I wasn't going to ask for them anymore, seems like if you love someone you should at least occasionally make a spontaneous gesture of physical affection), felt like he didn't demonstrate any affection physically unless he wanted sex (and I may not have been the most enthusiastic partner, or the most talented, but I never said no and I don't think I ever made him feel like a burden or an inconvenience about it). So my life has been devoid of affection from just about anyone other than my son for so long that I really, really miss it. I'd like to get a hug or a kiss just because someone thinks I'm cute. I'd like to know that someone is interested enough in what I have to say to sit down to dinner with me and listen when I talk, talk while I listen. And that's why I'd like to go out just a little bit now. It's not a frequent thing, not once a week, not even once a month - very occasional. But I always end up feeling like I'm doing something wrong by doing that, and it's not fair, especially since I feel like the rules are being changed on me in the middle of the game.

So am I a bad person? Just stupid and insensitive to K's feelings? Whatever your thoughts, lay 'em on me - I'm a big girl, I can take it.

It's a good day!

The day is already off to a good start. When I got here, a co-worker told me that Chick-Fil-A across the street had free samples of chicken and biscuits. Of course I couldn't pass that up. And when I got back from my brisk walk across the way (it's pretty chilly here this morning!), I found that some nice person had left a pair of Old Navy pants, navy blue, size 4T (J's size), new with tags, on my desk! I have no idea who left them, and no one around me saw anything. But what a lovely thing for someone to do! And J has picture day coming up next week - the navy pants will look nice with the shirt I'd planned for him to wear.

Let's just hope the day continues in this same vein!

Another question for the guys

OK, men, I need your insight again. A former co-worker has asked me out to dinner. A bit of background: he and I worked together for four years, give or take. (This was at the job I held right before the one I have now.) He left for a new job, then I left for this one. I'd had a dreadful crush on him when I first started there - this was before my weight loss surgery, before J was born, when I was still fat, repressed, shy little Lisa. I told myself it was wrong, I was married, I didn't want to feel that way, and I talked myself out of it. (K is amazed at my ability to compartmentalize and just will myself out of something like that.) I wasn't necessarily *happy* in my marriage at the time (although my discontent didn't really start creeping in until after J was born, before that I was fairly OK and still committed to the marriage), but I certainly didn't want to do anything to trash it. (Besides, at the time I didn't think any guy in his right mind, other than the one I'd married who loved me just the way I was, would be even slightly interested in me.) So I talked myself out of the crush, and went on. After we'd both left the old job,we kept saying, oh, we should get together sometime. We were friends, after all - we'd worked in the same unit for a while, and we got along well. So we eventually got together for dinner one weekend (when was this, back in August or September or thereabouts? Several months ago, sometime when the weather was warm, I'm sure I have it written down in my handwritten journal), and as we were walking out to our respective cars, he grabbed my hand and kissed me. Totally out of the blue. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Long story short, this led to a makeout session of crazed-teenager proportions. I told him I'd had a crush on him, and he said he'd felt the same way, only he never thought of doing anything, I was married, etc. (this was before the separation, which happened while we both still worked there - he and I had talked just a bit about it). He said he'd call, etc., and then he kind of freaked out on me - didn't call, we didn't talk for a while. I'm pretty sure the weirdness of me being separated but not divorced got to him there for a bit (he's single, never been married - was engaged, but they broke it off, and from what he's told me, that's probably for the best - not good if you're fighting all the time *before* you're married). But we're both attorneys, we see each other at lawyer things sporadically, and we're friends. So I just laid low and let him decide when he felt like talking - I didn't call, didn't e-mail, and eventually he resurfaced. (Ooh, I'm just irresistible! LOL And modest, too! LOL) He had jury duty downtown three or so months ago (which is where I work), he called then, and we went out to lunch practically every day he was down here for that. And now he's asking about dinner. My question is: how in the wide world of sports do I interpret this? My gut instinct is to go into the evening with zero expectations other than dinner with a friend. But I can't help thinking, he knows my situation, it hasn't materially changed, and he's doing the asking - I am so not pushing this. (He actually brought it up a few weeks ago, before Christmas - called me, we talked for a bit, and he then said there was something he wanted to ask about, but wasn't sure if it would make things more difficult for me with K, and said he'd been wanting to ask me out to dinner. Again, I've not pushed - at the time I told him I'd love to go out to dinner anytime, but that I'd let him decide when he felt comfortable asking, and I've let him bring it up.) So, in y'all's expert guy opinions, what's on his mind? (I realize this is total speculation on y'all's part, being as how none of you know me in real life or him at all, and you're only going on what I've told you - that's all right, I just want a male point of view on it.) He's a very deliberate person, and I've never known him to do anything without giving it thought or to act rashly or on impulse. So part of me can't help but think, well, hmm, maybe there's more to it. Thoughts?

Woo!!!!

Tomorrow is payday, and my checking account is officially still in the black!!!! There's nothing else outstanding, I've already set up all of my bills for electronic payment, and I'll have a bit left after that. See, this just proves I do make enough to make ends meet, my problem is discretionary spending getting away from me and not having a cash reserve for emergencies. Hmm, how best to work on that??? I'm just thrilled not to be getting an overdraft notice right before payday this time. What a refreshing change!

Just another day in paradise

There really isn't much exciting going on today. Work is work - I've gotten a few things taken care of, gotten to work on a research project, done some routine administrative things, and now I'm just running out of steam. I like the research projects I get to do. I'm keeping an eye out for positions with the areas/departments that are responsible for that sort of thing - that would be a cool job (even if it wasn't technically a legal job).

J had a screaming meltdown at daycare this morning. He's been that way every day this week. *SIGH* When I leave, he just screams and sobs, with tears running down his face. I don't know how to make it any better. He's fine about it all the way there - excited about school, practically jumping out of the car to get there. But when we get into the building, he gets very clingy and doesn't want me to leave. I'm baffled. And it just breaks my heart to walk away from him screaming. I worry that I'm doing him some kind of profound psychological damage, and I wish I could stay home with him.

Other than that, I'm just counting the hours until quittin' time and wondering whether I should walk across the street and treat myself to a peppermint mocha.

Willpower

I have no chocolate at my desk. I am sorely tempted to have some chocolate. I want the chocolate. Logically I know I'm full - I'm not HUNGRY. I'm an emotional eater - stress and boredom make me prone to stuff my mouth with any snack food that's near to hand. And right now my body doesn't need the chocolate, but my mind wants it. So in keeping with my determination not to let my weight-loss surgery go for naught (i.e., to keep losing weight and not gain it all back), I have RESISTED the lure of the M&M's in the snack machine!!!! I'm drinking water instead. Will not give in, will not give in.... I'm proud of myself. :-)

Music and mayhem

Music: I've recently found a CD I like very, very much. The album is Horse of a Different Color, by Big & Rich. I heard a couple of the songs on a local country station and decided to give it a try. It's not strictly "country" country, it has a touch of hard rock and rap thrown in, and some of the vocal harmonies are just outstanding. (And they seem to have a wickedly funny streak, too!) I think my favorite song on the album is "Live This Life":

I'll live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore,
And then I'll walk, yes, I will walk with patience through that open door.
I have no fear, angels follow me wherever I may go,
I'll live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore.

Mayhem: I'm helping out with a troublesome account. It was one of mine, but another unit is actually handling the closing since it's something extremely out of the ordinary. Let's just say that family things can get so messy when there's money involved. I'm glad I'm an only child! LOL

Back to work....

Progress, Gmail and other miscellanea

J was asleep before 10:00 tonight. Progress! I'm hopeful that once he gets used to his new space, bedtime will be easier. He likes to sit in the bed and read with me - I love that. :) Now if we can just work on daycare drop-offs.... This morning when I dropped him off, he was literally sobbing, with tears pouring down his face. *SIGH* Mornings like that just break my heart.

I've got four more Gmail invites, if anyone is interested - just e-mail me with your first and last names (Gmail requires that I have that to send an invite), and I'll zip one out to you!

Here's a question for the guys: How do you act around a woman if you're interested or find her attractive? I'm getting some strange vibes from a guy I work with, and I've ignored my intuition for so long, I don't trust my hunches much further than I can throw them. So I thought I'd toss out that question and see what comes back. I feel just a little stupid even suspecting, but what are journals for if not to write down things you feel stupid even thinking? LOL

New Year's goal #1: No more late-night snacking. It's not helping my weight loss (which is stalled at the moment), and it's not good for me. So I will not graze after J goes to sleep. I'm going to try to drink water instead - I need to do more of that anyway.

And now, off to bed. As J would say, mama go night-night.

Today's online fortune cookie

"You will soon meet a dark stranger."

Well. Isn't that vague?! And it doesn't say if it will be a good meeting or a bad one. Me, I'm not holding my breath.

Just another day....

Well, once J got to sleep in his new bed, he did sleep all night. It was so funny - this morning I found him sleeping pressed up against the bed rail, just like he'd sleep pressed up against one side of his crib. I guess it will take him some time to get used to the notion of having all that space to move around in. He was SO not happy when I woke him up this morning (although he was going a mile a minute as soon as his feet hit the floor), and he sobbed when I dropped him off at daycare. I'm thinking he was just tired, since he only got about 7 1/2 hours of sleep. Hopefully bedtime will be a bit easier tonight, if they don't let him take too much of a nap at daycare.

Other than being tired, it's pretty much just a day. I'd better get back to it. Work does tend to pile up when I'm out of the office, even if it's just for one day.

The big boy bed and the very busy day

I don't think I've stopped all day. After I got the bed frame put together this morning, I cleaned up around the house so the delivery guys would be able to get through. Then I went and ran errands, including getting the oil changed in my car. I learned that I needed a new serpentine belt, as mine was just about shot - great, there went $70 I didn't plan to spend. Oh well, I guess that's better than having it break and leave me stranded somewhere inconvenient. Picked up dinner from Subway, picked J up from daycare, and arrived home to find the mattress delivery guys in my driveway, EARLY. Woo hoo!

J loves his big bed. He climbed on it and bounced so hard, he flipped himself over backward. He also bounced two of the slats out of the bottom of the bed and knocked one corner of the mattress through the frame and onto the floor. I'm thinking we may just need a board to go under it. He's already figured out how to get down past the bed rail - he came walking down the hall to see me. And he didn't settle down and sleep until about 10:45. Hopefully this will pass, and bedtime won't be this late every night. If it is, he and I will both be really cranky before long!

And on that note, I'm off to bed - I might be awakened by a little boy coming down the hall at 3 in the morning (although I really hope he sleeps all night)!

Big boy bed!

We have bed! Or at least the bed frame. I dropped J off at daycare this morning, came home, and converted the crib to a full-size bed. (Guys, don't you just love a girl who's handy with an allen wrench? LOL) It looks really nice - I sure hope J likes it, because I'm not putting the crib back together! All we need now is the mattress, and it won't be here until sometime between 6:15 and 8:15 tonight. Sheesh, if I'd known they were going to be that late, I wouldn't have taken the day off work! It's OK, though, I've got plenty to do that needs to be done.

And I'm mentally preparing myself for J totally not sleeping tonight - he'll be so excited, he'll be bouncing off the walls (we've been talking about his big boy bed since Christmas). I had to laugh - this morning I told him today was the day he'd get his big boy bed, that he was a big boy now, and that the crib was for little babies, so he didn't need to sleep in it anymore. I took him out of the crib (my back and shoulders are rejoicing at the thought of him being able to climb into and out of the big bed by himself!), and he pointed to the crib and said, "Little baby!" I asked him if he was a little baby, and he said, "Hum!" Silly boy. :) I'll try to write tomorrow about the first night with the big boy bed - here's hoping it goes well.

I've gotten his room squared away, now I have to clear a path for the delivery guys to get the mattress to his room. The to-do list for the rest of the day includes getting my oil changed, renewing the registration on my car, checking the mail, going by the grocery store (those four are essential), and dropping stuff off at Half Price Books and Once Upon a Child if I have time. I am SO loving cleaning crap out of my house! Granted, it gives me a little twinge to part with some of J's old things. But they're just things, and we can't keep them all. I'm hoping that by his third birthday I'll have all (or most) of my old junk out of there, and it will actually look like *his* room instead of mama's old junky room where he just happens to sleep.

Gotta dash, much to do and the time will go faster than I think!