Oh, if only I had more money, I'd be buying tons of this stuff - the fleur-de-lis is my favorite collection, but she's got lots of other beautiful pieces:
Mignon Faget
I love the fleur-de-lis intaglio ring. If I ever had a guy serious enough about me to want to buy me jewelry (not wedding ring type jewelry, just jewelry as a gift), I'd want him to buy me that. I'm not holding my breath, though - I think I'd be better off saving my money and buying it myself, otherwise I might be waiting a loooooooong time!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Well, crap.
I was slammed all day long at work today - it never stopped. We're talking about raises next week. Our manager has said he got a total of 2.5% of our team's combined base salaries to allocate as raises. Being as how the most any of us could get, given that fact, would be a 2.5% raise, and being as how our team leader just got a (well-deserved) promotion (and the money for the pay increase will come out of the amount allocated for raises), I'm thinking it will be slim pickings for the rest of the team as far as raises go. So I'm not expecting a raise - that way I won't be as disappointed if I don't get one.
And I got a rejection e-mail from the job I interviewed for a few weeks ago. :-( That sucks. Oh well, I have that other one coming up soon, so maybe this just clears the way for them to make me a really good offer and me to take it. I hope so, I'd love to have some good news! Either that, or it's just the universe's way of telling me to suck up and make the best of it where I am, I haven't decided which yet.
No family visit this weekend after all - K's dad is having surgery tomorrow afternoon. Just laparoscopic, to remove a kidney stone, but he certainly won't feel like getting in a car for a seven-hour drive afterward. I'm sorry he's having to have the surgery, but I'm kind of glad not to have extra people in the house for three days. So J will stay with his dad this weekend, as per the regular schedule, and I'll have some time to myself. I think I need it. I just want to be alone, maybe read a book or play the piano, or even just take a nap. I need some time to myself to recharge.
And right now, I think I'll go have a bubble bath. No e-mails I really need to answer, nothing I particularly *need* to do on the computer, and J's toys are all put away. I could do another load of wash (I swear, the laundry multiplies like rabbits when I'm not looking, I never seem to get it all done!), or finish cleaning the kitchen. Nah, a bubble bath sounds like more fun.
And I got a rejection e-mail from the job I interviewed for a few weeks ago. :-( That sucks. Oh well, I have that other one coming up soon, so maybe this just clears the way for them to make me a really good offer and me to take it. I hope so, I'd love to have some good news! Either that, or it's just the universe's way of telling me to suck up and make the best of it where I am, I haven't decided which yet.
No family visit this weekend after all - K's dad is having surgery tomorrow afternoon. Just laparoscopic, to remove a kidney stone, but he certainly won't feel like getting in a car for a seven-hour drive afterward. I'm sorry he's having to have the surgery, but I'm kind of glad not to have extra people in the house for three days. So J will stay with his dad this weekend, as per the regular schedule, and I'll have some time to myself. I think I need it. I just want to be alone, maybe read a book or play the piano, or even just take a nap. I need some time to myself to recharge.
And right now, I think I'll go have a bubble bath. No e-mails I really need to answer, nothing I particularly *need* to do on the computer, and J's toys are all put away. I could do another load of wash (I swear, the laundry multiplies like rabbits when I'm not looking, I never seem to get it all done!), or finish cleaning the kitchen. Nah, a bubble bath sounds like more fun.
The cost of convenience
I paid my house note online. I'd talked to the mortgage company, found out that was available. Hooray, convenience, and I can pay the day before it's due instead of having to allow time for the mail to get there. Well, I went through the process of registering and all, and got ready to make my payment. They neglected to tell me there's a $9.95 fee for the convenience of using the online payment service. That sucks. Like they aren't getting enough money from me already on interest.
What a day
Wow, it's been busy today. I had a committee meeting at 9:00, training from 10:00 to 12:00 (and I get to do that every Tuesday and Thursday from now until August 9 - oh, joy), a team meeting at 1:00, and then we had a promotion celebration at 2:00. We make a big deal of promotions here - we have a little announcement ceremony, with the manager of the promotee reading a little blurb about the person and everyone trying to guess who it is. And we have cake and punch after all the announcing is finished. There were seven promotions handed out today. None of them went to me, but I wasn't expecting that they would. At least the cake was good.
But I ask you - after all that, now it's 2:45, which leaves me exactly 2 hours and 15 minutes to get some real work done. Yep, that makes for a productive day, doesn't it? It's month end, I haven't gotten all my phone calls done, and with only 2 hours and 15 minutes left in the work day, somehow I don't think I'm going to.
I'm feeling pretty tired today. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the new dose of Wellbutrin, or if it's simply due to the fact that I've been staying up stupid late every night. I'm thinking the latter. Really, I don't notice any difference so far on the new dose of Wellbutrin. I'm fairly mellow today, but that's just because I don't have the energy to be otherwise.
Almost Friday, and we get to leave work at 3:00 tomorrow, since it's the day before the long holiday weekend. Woo!
But I ask you - after all that, now it's 2:45, which leaves me exactly 2 hours and 15 minutes to get some real work done. Yep, that makes for a productive day, doesn't it? It's month end, I haven't gotten all my phone calls done, and with only 2 hours and 15 minutes left in the work day, somehow I don't think I'm going to.
I'm feeling pretty tired today. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the new dose of Wellbutrin, or if it's simply due to the fact that I've been staying up stupid late every night. I'm thinking the latter. Really, I don't notice any difference so far on the new dose of Wellbutrin. I'm fairly mellow today, but that's just because I don't have the energy to be otherwise.
Almost Friday, and we get to leave work at 3:00 tomorrow, since it's the day before the long holiday weekend. Woo!
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
More fun from the Birthday Calendar site
Found this on the site that gave us the Birthday Calendar (see my previous post), gave it a try, and here's what came out (my birth name is not the name I have now, since I was adopted):
You entered: Jennifer Lynn Schear
There are 18 letters in your name.
Those 18 letters total to 92
There are 5 vowels and 13 consonants in your name.
Your number is: 11
The characteristics of #11 are: High spiritual plane, intuitive, illumination, idealist, a dreamer.
The expression or destiny for #11:
Your Expression number is 11. The number 11 is the first of the master numbers. It is associated with idealistic concepts and rather spiritual issues. Accordingly, it is a number with potentials that are somewhat more difficult to live up to. You have the capacity to be inspirational, and the ability to lead merely by your own example. An inborn inner strength and awareness can make you an excellent teacher, social worker, philosopher, or advisor. No matter what area of work you pursue, you are very aware and sensitive to the highest sense of your environment. Your intuition is very strong; in fact, many psychic people and those involved in occult studies have the number 11 expression. You possess a good mind with keen analytical ability. Because of this you can probably succeed in most lines of work, however, you will do better and be happier outside of the business world. Oddly enough, even here you generally succeed, owing to your often original and unusual approach. Nonetheless, you are more content working with your ideals, rather than dollars and cents.
The positive aspect of the number 11 expression is an always idealistic attitude. Your thinking is long term, and you are able to grasp the far-reaching effects of actions and plans. You are disappointed by the shortsighted views of many of your contemporaries. You are deeply concerned and supportive of art, music, or of beauty in any form.
The negative attitudes associated with the number 11 expression include a continuous sense of nervous tension; you may be too sensitive and temperamental. You tend to dream a lot and may be more of a dreamer than a doer. Fantasy and reality sometimes become intermingled and you are sometimes very impractical. You tend to want to spread the illumination of your knowledge to others irrespective of their desire or need.
Your Soul Urge number is: 8
A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flare for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.
Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.
The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.
Your Inner Dream number is: 4
An Inner Dream number of 4 means:
You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.
Interesting, although I beg to differ with the part that says I'm sometimes very impractical. I think not. And I certainly don't have any great desire to lead - I'd much rather not!
You entered: Jennifer Lynn Schear
There are 18 letters in your name.
Those 18 letters total to 92
There are 5 vowels and 13 consonants in your name.
Your number is: 11
The characteristics of #11 are: High spiritual plane, intuitive, illumination, idealist, a dreamer.
The expression or destiny for #11:
Your Expression number is 11. The number 11 is the first of the master numbers. It is associated with idealistic concepts and rather spiritual issues. Accordingly, it is a number with potentials that are somewhat more difficult to live up to. You have the capacity to be inspirational, and the ability to lead merely by your own example. An inborn inner strength and awareness can make you an excellent teacher, social worker, philosopher, or advisor. No matter what area of work you pursue, you are very aware and sensitive to the highest sense of your environment. Your intuition is very strong; in fact, many psychic people and those involved in occult studies have the number 11 expression. You possess a good mind with keen analytical ability. Because of this you can probably succeed in most lines of work, however, you will do better and be happier outside of the business world. Oddly enough, even here you generally succeed, owing to your often original and unusual approach. Nonetheless, you are more content working with your ideals, rather than dollars and cents.
The positive aspect of the number 11 expression is an always idealistic attitude. Your thinking is long term, and you are able to grasp the far-reaching effects of actions and plans. You are disappointed by the shortsighted views of many of your contemporaries. You are deeply concerned and supportive of art, music, or of beauty in any form.
The negative attitudes associated with the number 11 expression include a continuous sense of nervous tension; you may be too sensitive and temperamental. You tend to dream a lot and may be more of a dreamer than a doer. Fantasy and reality sometimes become intermingled and you are sometimes very impractical. You tend to want to spread the illumination of your knowledge to others irrespective of their desire or need.
Your Soul Urge number is: 8
A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flare for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.
Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.
The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.
Your Inner Dream number is: 4
An Inner Dream number of 4 means:
You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.
Interesting, although I beg to differ with the part that says I'm sometimes very impractical. I think not. And I certainly don't have any great desire to lead - I'd much rather not!
Midnight miscellanea and update on the job front
Found the Birthday Calendar via Extra Strength Surfing Fingers by way of Jules - here's what it said about me:
You entered: 6/8/1968
You were born on a Saturday
under the astrological sign Gemini.
Your Life path number is 11.
The number 11 Life Path has the connotation of illumination describing its general focus. This is the number associated with spiritual awareness. As one of the two master numbers, the 11 yields understanding and knowledge beyond the grasp of others. The attitude toward life of those possessing this Life Path is somewhat extreme; extremely intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic, visionary, and cultured. These extremes make you an interesting, if unusual person, with much to offer society. The Life Path 11 person is deep-thinking, and you are no doubt interested in understanding many of life's mysteries and more intriguing facets. Your inventive mind and broad-minded views will permit you to succeed in life in any number of ventures. You can best serve society, however, in those endeavors utilizing your skills of counseling and guidance. Much of your idealism is people oriented and quite humanitarian in nature. You expect a great deal of yourself and of those to whom you are close.
On the negative side, there is a lot of nervous tension associated with the 11 life path, and you can be a difficult person to deal with because of this. For this reason, relationships, at times, can be difficult. This is a Life Path that seems to feature broad mood swings between the elation and depression. You are likely to have trouble making decisions and getting your life in gear, so to speak. There is a tendency for the 11 to harbor feelings of uneasiness, and dissatisfaction with accomplishments and personal progress in life. Your grandiose schemes usually make sense, but you can get off the track and they can be very impractical. You have a very distinct side that lacks common sense, and you are quite often unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. In this regard, you are perhaps more of a dreamer than a doer. When you do get on target, your ideas seem to have been inspired on high. Perhaps you are not a leader, but you are a visionary and a very talented idea person.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2440015.5.
The golden number for 1968 is 12.
The epact number for 1968 is 0.
The year 1968 was a leap year.
As of 6/29/2005 11:59:51 PM CDT
You are 37 years old.
You are 444 months old.
You are 1,934 weeks old.
You are 13,535 days old.
You are 324,863 hours old.
You are 19,491,839 minutes old.
You are 1,169,510,391 seconds old.
There are 344 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 38 candles on it.
Those 38 candles produce 38 BTU's,
or 9,576 calories of heat (that's only 9.5760 food Calories!).
You can boil 4.34 US ounces of water with that many candles.
Your birthstone is Alexandrite
The Mystical properties of Alexandrite
Alexandrite can assist one in centering the self, reinforcing self-esteem, and augmenting ones ability to experience joy.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewlers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Pearl, Moonstone, Opal
Your birth tree is
Hornbeam, the good taste
Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, tends to egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined life, looks for kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgment, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with her feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
There are 179 days till Christmas 2005!
The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waxing gibbous.
News on the job front: I'm still in the running for the position I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago, and I have another interview next week! :) This is for a position similar to what I'm doing now, with the benefit of a substantially bigger paycheck. The commute would be a bit farther, but I wouldn't have to pay for parking, so I'd probably still save money on the deal. We're meeting for lunch at a very nice restaurant - K said that's not the kind of place they'd take me if they weren't seriously interested. Let's hope he's right. We'll see, and I'll update as I know more. Y'all keep your fingers crossed!
Miscellaneous thoughts:
*Why do I stay up until at least midnight every night? Surely I'd feel better if I got more than four or five hours of sleep.
*Does it really do me any good to drink fat-free milk if I'm having it with a brownie made with enough butter to float a boat?
*How is it that the Wellbutrin seems to have drastically diminished my interest in anything good for me foodwise, but hasn't affected my fondness for sweets in the slightest?
I should go to bed. As soon as the load of laundry in the dryer is finished, I'll do just that.
You entered: 6/8/1968
You were born on a Saturday
under the astrological sign Gemini.
Your Life path number is 11.
The number 11 Life Path has the connotation of illumination describing its general focus. This is the number associated with spiritual awareness. As one of the two master numbers, the 11 yields understanding and knowledge beyond the grasp of others. The attitude toward life of those possessing this Life Path is somewhat extreme; extremely intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic, visionary, and cultured. These extremes make you an interesting, if unusual person, with much to offer society. The Life Path 11 person is deep-thinking, and you are no doubt interested in understanding many of life's mysteries and more intriguing facets. Your inventive mind and broad-minded views will permit you to succeed in life in any number of ventures. You can best serve society, however, in those endeavors utilizing your skills of counseling and guidance. Much of your idealism is people oriented and quite humanitarian in nature. You expect a great deal of yourself and of those to whom you are close.
On the negative side, there is a lot of nervous tension associated with the 11 life path, and you can be a difficult person to deal with because of this. For this reason, relationships, at times, can be difficult. This is a Life Path that seems to feature broad mood swings between the elation and depression. You are likely to have trouble making decisions and getting your life in gear, so to speak. There is a tendency for the 11 to harbor feelings of uneasiness, and dissatisfaction with accomplishments and personal progress in life. Your grandiose schemes usually make sense, but you can get off the track and they can be very impractical. You have a very distinct side that lacks common sense, and you are quite often unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. In this regard, you are perhaps more of a dreamer than a doer. When you do get on target, your ideas seem to have been inspired on high. Perhaps you are not a leader, but you are a visionary and a very talented idea person.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2440015.5.
The golden number for 1968 is 12.
The epact number for 1968 is 0.
The year 1968 was a leap year.
As of 6/29/2005 11:59:51 PM CDT
You are 37 years old.
You are 444 months old.
You are 1,934 weeks old.
You are 13,535 days old.
You are 324,863 hours old.
You are 19,491,839 minutes old.
You are 1,169,510,391 seconds old.
There are 344 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 38 candles on it.
Those 38 candles produce 38 BTU's,
or 9,576 calories of heat (that's only 9.5760 food Calories!).
You can boil 4.34 US ounces of water with that many candles.
Your birthstone is Alexandrite
The Mystical properties of Alexandrite
Alexandrite can assist one in centering the self, reinforcing self-esteem, and augmenting ones ability to experience joy.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewlers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Pearl, Moonstone, Opal
Your birth tree is
Hornbeam, the good taste
Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, tends to egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined life, looks for kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgment, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with her feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
There are 179 days till Christmas 2005!
The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waxing gibbous.
News on the job front: I'm still in the running for the position I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago, and I have another interview next week! :) This is for a position similar to what I'm doing now, with the benefit of a substantially bigger paycheck. The commute would be a bit farther, but I wouldn't have to pay for parking, so I'd probably still save money on the deal. We're meeting for lunch at a very nice restaurant - K said that's not the kind of place they'd take me if they weren't seriously interested. Let's hope he's right. We'll see, and I'll update as I know more. Y'all keep your fingers crossed!
Miscellaneous thoughts:
*Why do I stay up until at least midnight every night? Surely I'd feel better if I got more than four or five hours of sleep.
*Does it really do me any good to drink fat-free milk if I'm having it with a brownie made with enough butter to float a boat?
*How is it that the Wellbutrin seems to have drastically diminished my interest in anything good for me foodwise, but hasn't affected my fondness for sweets in the slightest?
I should go to bed. As soon as the load of laundry in the dryer is finished, I'll do just that.
Hell hath no fury....
Have you seen this eBay auction? She must have been pretty pissed.
And a little more to the story:
DJ's wife sold his Lotus for 50p
A controversial radio DJ's wife sold his £25,000 sports car on eBay for just 50p after he flirted with Jodie Marsh on air.
Kerrang 105.2's Tim Shaw told the model he was prepared to leave his wife and their two children for her, reports Metro.
Wife Hayley was listening and immediately posted an advert for the Lotus Esprit Turbo with a 'Buy It Now' option of 50p.
The item description read: "I need to get rid of this car in the next two to three hours before my husband gets home to find it gone and all his belongings in the street."
The car sold within five minutes.
On a previous occasion, the DJ upset Mrs Shaw, 27, when she was pregnant by ringing her sister live on air and saying he thought about her while having sex with his wife.
Mrs Shaw said: "When he said he would leave me and the kids for Jodie Marsh, that was it for me. I am sick of him disrespecting this family for the sake of his act.
"The car is his pride and joy but the idiot put my name on the log book so I just sold it. I didn't care about the money, I just wanted to get him back."
She added: "There is no hope for a reconciliation." A Kerrang 105.2 spokesperson said the DJ was 'absolutely gutted'.
And a little more to the story:
DJ's wife sold his Lotus for 50p
A controversial radio DJ's wife sold his £25,000 sports car on eBay for just 50p after he flirted with Jodie Marsh on air.
Kerrang 105.2's Tim Shaw told the model he was prepared to leave his wife and their two children for her, reports Metro.
Wife Hayley was listening and immediately posted an advert for the Lotus Esprit Turbo with a 'Buy It Now' option of 50p.
The item description read: "I need to get rid of this car in the next two to three hours before my husband gets home to find it gone and all his belongings in the street."
The car sold within five minutes.
On a previous occasion, the DJ upset Mrs Shaw, 27, when she was pregnant by ringing her sister live on air and saying he thought about her while having sex with his wife.
Mrs Shaw said: "When he said he would leave me and the kids for Jodie Marsh, that was it for me. I am sick of him disrespecting this family for the sake of his act.
"The car is his pride and joy but the idiot put my name on the log book so I just sold it. I didn't care about the money, I just wanted to get him back."
She added: "There is no hope for a reconciliation." A Kerrang 105.2 spokesperson said the DJ was 'absolutely gutted'.
Better
Today is better - yesterday was just one of those wallow-in-the-pity-pit days. J still had a fit at daycare this morning, but it was much easier for me to tell him I'd see him this afternoon and walk away. I wonder why some days it's easier than others to do that?
I did talk to someone this morning about that outside position I'd interviewed for a couple of weeks ago. No decision has been made yet, and I'm still in the running. :) The woman I talked to said she hoped to know something by the end of this week, that she'd call me, and that I should call her if I hadn't heard anything. So y'all keep your fingers crossed, pray hard, send good energies, whatever your particular mode of well-wishing is - I'd appreciate it!
Let's see, what else is going on in Lisa-land? Work, boy, commute, eat, sleep, and that's about it. The glamorous life of a single woman, huh? LOL
Tomorrow I'm supposed to increase my daily dose of Wellbutrin from 150 mg to 300 mg per my doctor. I already find that my appetite has decreased a good bit on the 150 mg (I didn't know this, but bupropion is actually being tested as a weight-loss medication due to that side effect). On the 300 mg, I may just forget to eat altogether! LOL No, I like to eat too much to ever completely forget to eat. But wouldn't it be nice if I could be less stressed and lose a few pounds along the way?
I'd better work. More later!
I did talk to someone this morning about that outside position I'd interviewed for a couple of weeks ago. No decision has been made yet, and I'm still in the running. :) The woman I talked to said she hoped to know something by the end of this week, that she'd call me, and that I should call her if I hadn't heard anything. So y'all keep your fingers crossed, pray hard, send good energies, whatever your particular mode of well-wishing is - I'd appreciate it!
Let's see, what else is going on in Lisa-land? Work, boy, commute, eat, sleep, and that's about it. The glamorous life of a single woman, huh? LOL
Tomorrow I'm supposed to increase my daily dose of Wellbutrin from 150 mg to 300 mg per my doctor. I already find that my appetite has decreased a good bit on the 150 mg (I didn't know this, but bupropion is actually being tested as a weight-loss medication due to that side effect). On the 300 mg, I may just forget to eat altogether! LOL No, I like to eat too much to ever completely forget to eat. But wouldn't it be nice if I could be less stressed and lose a few pounds along the way?
I'd better work. More later!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Making things happen
Here's my horoscope for today:
As loving Venus and mental Mercury enter your 3rd House of Communication, you are surely comfortable, even if it's too noisy to relax. Who wants peace and quiet anyhow with so many exciting things to do. You are at the beginning of a major cycle of manifestation. Speak or write your intentions as clearly as you can -- and then get started on making it happen.
Well! I guess I'd better start talking about and writing about what I intend to do and what I want out of life, hadn't I? Must ponder on that...back later....
As loving Venus and mental Mercury enter your 3rd House of Communication, you are surely comfortable, even if it's too noisy to relax. Who wants peace and quiet anyhow with so many exciting things to do. You are at the beginning of a major cycle of manifestation. Speak or write your intentions as clearly as you can -- and then get started on making it happen.
Well! I guess I'd better start talking about and writing about what I intend to do and what I want out of life, hadn't I? Must ponder on that...back later....
Does it ever get easier?
This morning sucks ass. J woke up not wanting to go to school, he wanted to play. I did get him dressed and out the door without too much fuss, but he started on the way to school - he didn't want to go that way, he wanted to go the other way, he wanted to go home, he wanted mama. :-( He seemed to be OK by the time we actually got to school, though (well, with the exception of wanting various of his Fisher Price Little People, which we weren't going back home for). But when it came time for me to leave, he started fussing and getting upset. I talked to him, let him hang onto my leg, and I think in a couple of minutes he would have let go and gone on by himself and been OK. But one of his teachers, meaning well, saw that he wasn't inclined to let go and picked him up and walked off with him. Well, he just blew a fuse over that, and I left daycare with the sound of my son screaming for mama ringing in my ears. I cried. I called after I got to work, and he was fine - he'd settled down right after I left. I'm glad he's OK, and I knew he would be. But that doesn't take away the hurt I feel for having left him there screaming. It would suck to leave him for a job that paid me fabulously well and for one where I felt like my work was making a difference on some level. How much more does it suck to come to a job I'll probably never be passionate about and where, barring some weird turns in my career path, I'll never feel like I'm paid what my law degree is worth? I hate it. My heart hurts, and I'm stuck here for another eight hours.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Is it Friday yet?!
What?! It's only Monday? Oh, say it isn't so.
Big, busy weekend! First off, I did get to go out with T on Friday after all. :-) The timing of having the new A/C put in worked out to where I wasn't busy with that late in the day, so we went ahead and went out to dinner. Much fun!
Second, J went to Little Gym on Saturday. There's one close to the house, and a friend of mine takes her little girl, who's about J's age. She suggested we try the free class. So we did. J was excited - right up until just about time to go to class! Then he started: "Mama, I want to go bye-bye, Mama, I want to go to Target!" (Little Gym is in the same shopping center as Target, which he loves.) We went ahead and went into the gym for class, and he pretty much screamed and hung on to me for the first 15 minutes or so. Then he looked around, realized, "hey, there are things to jump on and climb on and run with in here!", and that was it. :-) He said he wanted to come back and play every week, so we went ahead and signed up for the rest of the summer. We're also going to have his birthday party there, which will save me the hassle of preparing for and entertaining and cleaning up after a horde of 3-year-olds - all I have to do is send invitations, bring cake and show up! I'm glad he liked it - I knew he would if he'd just give it a chance.
And yesterday we went to a birthday party. My co-worker's son was turning 2, and she'd invited us to go. Her older son is 4, and I figured it can't hurt for J to make new friends. So we drove up there (about an hour one way - yuck), and as is his usual routine with new places, J started out wanting to go home. He got a little more interested when he saw that there were presents (although he was most chagrined to find out they weren't for him to open! LOL), and he had a good time playing outside and eating cake (although I almost didn't think I'd get him in from outside, even for cake!) And once he saw that the 4-year-old's room was pretty much all Wiggles and trucks, that was it, he was ready to just move in. LOLOL He had fun - so much so that he didn't want to leave, and pitched a howling fit when I told him it was time to go home. By that point, he was oversugared, overstimulated and just worn out, and he bid everyone farewell by screaming, "I don't wanna leave, I wanna watch a mooooooooovie!" as we left. (Star Wars was on the big screen TV, and between that and the Wiggles, he was just enthralled.) *SIGH* 40+ pounds of boy is a lot to pack down the stairs and out to the car (and no easy task when said 40+ pounds is unhappy, kicking and screaming, and just about as tall as his mama), and today my back is hurting. Ow. Again, though, I'm glad he had fun and was able to warm up to new surroundings, even if he did go nuclear right there at the end.
Today: J was very "I don't want to" right from the start. He woke up happy this morning. I told him it was time to get ready for school. "I don't want to go to school, I want to go to Target." Target's closed, time to get dressed. So we got dressed and finally headed out the door - he'd settled on milk before we got in the car, and as I was buckling him into his car seat (accompanied by whines of "I don't want to get in my seat!"), he suddenly decided he wanted tea (Crystal Light). So I got tea, and off we went. As soon as we got to the parking lot at daycare: "I want milk." God save me from the fickle nature of small boys. He threw a fit wanting milk, and said he didn't want to get out of his seat, didn't want milk inside, and on and on. I was running late anyway, so this wasn't helping the overall mood. (Wellbutrin is my friend, Wellbutrin is my friend....) Finally got him out, and he was fine for a bit. Then, just as I thought he was going to run off happily to watch TV before going to class, he superglued himself to my leg and started wailing. *SIGH* After several minutes of this, he was distracted by the computers and ran off to play. But geez, what a morning. And this was before I even left town!
So I was late to work, and found a million things waiting on my desk when I got here. Ugh. Calgon, take me away!
On the bright side, the new A/C works great. Maybe my electric bill will go down with a more energy-efficient unit in there.
Big, busy weekend! First off, I did get to go out with T on Friday after all. :-) The timing of having the new A/C put in worked out to where I wasn't busy with that late in the day, so we went ahead and went out to dinner. Much fun!
Second, J went to Little Gym on Saturday. There's one close to the house, and a friend of mine takes her little girl, who's about J's age. She suggested we try the free class. So we did. J was excited - right up until just about time to go to class! Then he started: "Mama, I want to go bye-bye, Mama, I want to go to Target!" (Little Gym is in the same shopping center as Target, which he loves.) We went ahead and went into the gym for class, and he pretty much screamed and hung on to me for the first 15 minutes or so. Then he looked around, realized, "hey, there are things to jump on and climb on and run with in here!", and that was it. :-) He said he wanted to come back and play every week, so we went ahead and signed up for the rest of the summer. We're also going to have his birthday party there, which will save me the hassle of preparing for and entertaining and cleaning up after a horde of 3-year-olds - all I have to do is send invitations, bring cake and show up! I'm glad he liked it - I knew he would if he'd just give it a chance.
And yesterday we went to a birthday party. My co-worker's son was turning 2, and she'd invited us to go. Her older son is 4, and I figured it can't hurt for J to make new friends. So we drove up there (about an hour one way - yuck), and as is his usual routine with new places, J started out wanting to go home. He got a little more interested when he saw that there were presents (although he was most chagrined to find out they weren't for him to open! LOL), and he had a good time playing outside and eating cake (although I almost didn't think I'd get him in from outside, even for cake!) And once he saw that the 4-year-old's room was pretty much all Wiggles and trucks, that was it, he was ready to just move in. LOLOL He had fun - so much so that he didn't want to leave, and pitched a howling fit when I told him it was time to go home. By that point, he was oversugared, overstimulated and just worn out, and he bid everyone farewell by screaming, "I don't wanna leave, I wanna watch a mooooooooovie!" as we left. (Star Wars was on the big screen TV, and between that and the Wiggles, he was just enthralled.) *SIGH* 40+ pounds of boy is a lot to pack down the stairs and out to the car (and no easy task when said 40+ pounds is unhappy, kicking and screaming, and just about as tall as his mama), and today my back is hurting. Ow. Again, though, I'm glad he had fun and was able to warm up to new surroundings, even if he did go nuclear right there at the end.
Today: J was very "I don't want to" right from the start. He woke up happy this morning. I told him it was time to get ready for school. "I don't want to go to school, I want to go to Target." Target's closed, time to get dressed. So we got dressed and finally headed out the door - he'd settled on milk before we got in the car, and as I was buckling him into his car seat (accompanied by whines of "I don't want to get in my seat!"), he suddenly decided he wanted tea (Crystal Light). So I got tea, and off we went. As soon as we got to the parking lot at daycare: "I want milk." God save me from the fickle nature of small boys. He threw a fit wanting milk, and said he didn't want to get out of his seat, didn't want milk inside, and on and on. I was running late anyway, so this wasn't helping the overall mood. (Wellbutrin is my friend, Wellbutrin is my friend....) Finally got him out, and he was fine for a bit. Then, just as I thought he was going to run off happily to watch TV before going to class, he superglued himself to my leg and started wailing. *SIGH* After several minutes of this, he was distracted by the computers and ran off to play. But geez, what a morning. And this was before I even left town!
So I was late to work, and found a million things waiting on my desk when I got here. Ugh. Calgon, take me away!
On the bright side, the new A/C works great. Maybe my electric bill will go down with a more energy-efficient unit in there.
Friday, June 24, 2005
What a night
I went home yesterday to let the A/C repairman in. He checked the unit out, and told me the fan motor needed a new bearing, and the capacitor was shot. Total cost to repair: about $500. The unit is 10 years old, and he said it's a lower-end model that builders often use to cut building costs (and this is the one that was put in when the house was built in 1995). So I could have had it repaired, but might have been looking at a new unit pretty soon anyway. Given all the considerations, I opted for a new unit. The repairman said he could fix it temporarily so we'd have air for the night until they could put a new unit in today. Well, as he was trying to fix it temporarily, something else crapped out - it's a heat pump, and the switch that changes it from "heat" to "cool" was stuck on "heat", meaning it was blowing hot air. Not good!!!! So it was good that I'd already decided on a new unit, because this would have been something else that would have added to the repair cost. They'll be out this afternoon/evening, and I should have cool air tonight. I wasn't planning on spending this much money. But at least now I do have it to spend (a year ago, I wouldn't have), and hey, it's only money. Air conditioning isn't exactly optional equipment in a Texas summer.
So last night we ended up staying with K in the bitty house (as J calls it). It was far too hot to stay at my house, even with ceiling fans - the temp was showing to be about 90 when we left last night, and was still over 80 this morning when I went home to get dressed for work. I'm glad K and I get along well enough that we can help each other out in crises, and that we can stay under the same roof without it being a real nightmare. It was so nice to have air conditioning! J kept saying, "Turn that (the A/C) on, mama, I like the cold!" LOL It was a pretty calm night. J started hollering about a monster after everyone had settled for the night - he saw the light of the smoke alarm on the ceiling and said it was a monster, he wanted it taken away. K and I explained to him that it wasn't a monster, it was there to help and to keep the house safe, and that it was part of the house, like the fan was at the big house (my house). He was OK with it after that, and by this morning, it had transmogrified itself into a ghost and he'd made friends with it. This morning, I got, "Mama, that ghost like me!" I told him I was so glad he'd made his peace with it, that it was really a very friendly ghost. LOL He also woke up at about 4 AM, asking, "Where are you, Mama?" So I got up and talked to him, and he wanted me to lay down by him, so I laid down on his little bed until he was asleep. Then I laid back down and slept a bit more myself. All things considered, not a terrible night - not as bad as it would have been staying in my hot house, that's for sure.
This morning was pretty crazy. I got J dressed at K's house, and then we went back to my house so I could get dressed. J was a little bit off kilter at the change in routine - he wanted to stay at the bitty house, and then he didn't want to get out of the car at school. Once we got inside, though, he was fine. I was just horribly late to work, since I still had to stop for gas after I dropped him off. AACK.
All I have to say is, hooray for Wellbutrin. I know everything I've read says it doesn't really take effect until after you've taken it for a week or two, but I swear it's made a difference in my stress level already. Last night I took the news about the need for a new heat pump (and the cost) pretty well in stride - a week ago I'd have been grinding my teeth and learning new swear words. The change in routine, the vexation of dealing with a cranky 3-year-old - didn't get me nearly as uptight as it once did. I didn't realize how wiggy I got about things until I suddenly noticed myself being less wiggy. I haven't bothered to check my blood pressure yet, I figured I'd wait a few days on that. But my stress level seems to be better, which can only be a good thing, right? :) The down side is, you aren't supposed to drink much while taking it. But I'm not a big drinker anyway, so that shouldn't be a big deal.
Now I'm at work, just waiting to hear from the A/C guys as to when they've got the new heat pump. Then we'll figure out what time they'll come put it in. Can't say as I'm *happy* about writing a $2200 check, but the cool air will be most welcome. And now I'll have warranty and stuff - if anything goes out the first year, it's free, so that's a nice reassurance to have.
The down side is, this means no evening out with T. :-( I'm really bummed about that, I was looking forward to seeing him again. I think I was more upset about having to change my plans than I was about the cost of the new heat pump! Logically I know taking care of my house (and making sure it's a nice place for my son) comes first, and I know there will be other evenings out and that plans can be rescheduled. But dammit, I wanted to go out tonight! Pout, sulk, whine. I think I'm most bothered by it because T works the rest of this weekend, so no other opportunities there, and I'll have J this weekend and next, since family is coming for the 4th of July weekend (and since family is coming, I can't bail on them and go out). That means there won't be a chance to reschedule until two weeks from now, and that's disappointing. Logically I know it's not the end of the world, but I'm still bummed - logic isn't the controlling factor here. Oh well, this will just give T a chance to look forward more to seeing me, right? ;-)
OK, I guess I'd better get some work done while I'm here!
So last night we ended up staying with K in the bitty house (as J calls it). It was far too hot to stay at my house, even with ceiling fans - the temp was showing to be about 90 when we left last night, and was still over 80 this morning when I went home to get dressed for work. I'm glad K and I get along well enough that we can help each other out in crises, and that we can stay under the same roof without it being a real nightmare. It was so nice to have air conditioning! J kept saying, "Turn that (the A/C) on, mama, I like the cold!" LOL It was a pretty calm night. J started hollering about a monster after everyone had settled for the night - he saw the light of the smoke alarm on the ceiling and said it was a monster, he wanted it taken away. K and I explained to him that it wasn't a monster, it was there to help and to keep the house safe, and that it was part of the house, like the fan was at the big house (my house). He was OK with it after that, and by this morning, it had transmogrified itself into a ghost and he'd made friends with it. This morning, I got, "Mama, that ghost like me!" I told him I was so glad he'd made his peace with it, that it was really a very friendly ghost. LOL He also woke up at about 4 AM, asking, "Where are you, Mama?" So I got up and talked to him, and he wanted me to lay down by him, so I laid down on his little bed until he was asleep. Then I laid back down and slept a bit more myself. All things considered, not a terrible night - not as bad as it would have been staying in my hot house, that's for sure.
This morning was pretty crazy. I got J dressed at K's house, and then we went back to my house so I could get dressed. J was a little bit off kilter at the change in routine - he wanted to stay at the bitty house, and then he didn't want to get out of the car at school. Once we got inside, though, he was fine. I was just horribly late to work, since I still had to stop for gas after I dropped him off. AACK.
All I have to say is, hooray for Wellbutrin. I know everything I've read says it doesn't really take effect until after you've taken it for a week or two, but I swear it's made a difference in my stress level already. Last night I took the news about the need for a new heat pump (and the cost) pretty well in stride - a week ago I'd have been grinding my teeth and learning new swear words. The change in routine, the vexation of dealing with a cranky 3-year-old - didn't get me nearly as uptight as it once did. I didn't realize how wiggy I got about things until I suddenly noticed myself being less wiggy. I haven't bothered to check my blood pressure yet, I figured I'd wait a few days on that. But my stress level seems to be better, which can only be a good thing, right? :) The down side is, you aren't supposed to drink much while taking it. But I'm not a big drinker anyway, so that shouldn't be a big deal.
Now I'm at work, just waiting to hear from the A/C guys as to when they've got the new heat pump. Then we'll figure out what time they'll come put it in. Can't say as I'm *happy* about writing a $2200 check, but the cool air will be most welcome. And now I'll have warranty and stuff - if anything goes out the first year, it's free, so that's a nice reassurance to have.
The down side is, this means no evening out with T. :-( I'm really bummed about that, I was looking forward to seeing him again. I think I was more upset about having to change my plans than I was about the cost of the new heat pump! Logically I know taking care of my house (and making sure it's a nice place for my son) comes first, and I know there will be other evenings out and that plans can be rescheduled. But dammit, I wanted to go out tonight! Pout, sulk, whine. I think I'm most bothered by it because T works the rest of this weekend, so no other opportunities there, and I'll have J this weekend and next, since family is coming for the 4th of July weekend (and since family is coming, I can't bail on them and go out). That means there won't be a chance to reschedule until two weeks from now, and that's disappointing. Logically I know it's not the end of the world, but I'm still bummed - logic isn't the controlling factor here. Oh well, this will just give T a chance to look forward more to seeing me, right? ;-)
OK, I guess I'd better get some work done while I'm here!
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Does anyone else find this disturbing?
The Supreme Court has just dealt a major blow to private property rights, if you ask me. Hmm, let's just make it to where all the property belongs to the government - oh, wait, hasn't someone already tried that?
http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/06/23/scotus.property.ap/index.html
High court OKs personal property seizures
Majority: Local officials know how best to help cities
Thursday, June 23, 2005; Posted: 10:50 a.m. EDT (14:50 GMT)
WASHINGTON (AP) -- -- The Supreme Court on Thursday ruled that local governments may seize people's homes and businesses -- even against their will -- for private economic development.
It was a decision fraught with huge implications for a country with many areas, particularly the rapidly growing urban and suburban areas, facing countervailing pressures of development and property ownership rights.
The 5-4 ruling represented a defeat for some Connecticut residents whose homes are slated for destruction to make room for an office complex. They argued that cities have no right to take their land except for projects with a clear public use, such as roads or schools, or to revitalize blighted areas.
As a result, cities have wide power to bulldoze residences for projects such as shopping malls and hotel complexes to generate tax revenue.
Local officials, not federal judges, know best in deciding whether a development project will benefit the community, justices said.
"The city has carefully formulated an economic development that it believes will provide appreciable benefits to the community, including -- but by no means limited to -- new jobs and increased tax revenue," Justice John Paul Stevens wrote for the majority.
He was joined by Justice Anthony Kennedy, David H. Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen G. Breyer.
At issue was the scope of the Fifth Amendment, which allows governments to take private property through eminent domain if the land is for "public use."
Susette Kelo and several other homeowners in a working-class neighborhood in New London, Connecticut, filed suit after city officials announced plans to raze their homes for a riverfront hotel, health club and offices.
New London officials countered that the private development plans served a public purpose of boosting economic growth that outweighed the homeowners' property rights, even if the area wasn't blighted.
Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who has been a key swing vote on many cases before the court, issued a stinging dissent. She argued that cities should not have unlimited authority to uproot families, even if they are provided compensation, simply to accommodate wealthy developers.
The lower courts had been divided on the issue, with many allowing a taking only if it eliminates blight.
"Any property may now be taken for the benefit of another private party, but the fallout from this decision will not be random," O'Connor wrote. "The beneficiaries are likely to be those citizens with disproportionate influence and power in the political process, including large corporations and development firms."
She was joined in her opinion by Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist, as well as Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.
Copyright 2005 The Associated Press.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/06/23/scotus.property.ap/index.html
High court OKs personal property seizures
Majority: Local officials know how best to help cities
Thursday, June 23, 2005; Posted: 10:50 a.m. EDT (14:50 GMT)
WASHINGTON (AP) -- -- The Supreme Court on Thursday ruled that local governments may seize people's homes and businesses -- even against their will -- for private economic development.
It was a decision fraught with huge implications for a country with many areas, particularly the rapidly growing urban and suburban areas, facing countervailing pressures of development and property ownership rights.
The 5-4 ruling represented a defeat for some Connecticut residents whose homes are slated for destruction to make room for an office complex. They argued that cities have no right to take their land except for projects with a clear public use, such as roads or schools, or to revitalize blighted areas.
As a result, cities have wide power to bulldoze residences for projects such as shopping malls and hotel complexes to generate tax revenue.
Local officials, not federal judges, know best in deciding whether a development project will benefit the community, justices said.
"The city has carefully formulated an economic development that it believes will provide appreciable benefits to the community, including -- but by no means limited to -- new jobs and increased tax revenue," Justice John Paul Stevens wrote for the majority.
He was joined by Justice Anthony Kennedy, David H. Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen G. Breyer.
At issue was the scope of the Fifth Amendment, which allows governments to take private property through eminent domain if the land is for "public use."
Susette Kelo and several other homeowners in a working-class neighborhood in New London, Connecticut, filed suit after city officials announced plans to raze their homes for a riverfront hotel, health club and offices.
New London officials countered that the private development plans served a public purpose of boosting economic growth that outweighed the homeowners' property rights, even if the area wasn't blighted.
Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who has been a key swing vote on many cases before the court, issued a stinging dissent. She argued that cities should not have unlimited authority to uproot families, even if they are provided compensation, simply to accommodate wealthy developers.
The lower courts had been divided on the issue, with many allowing a taking only if it eliminates blight.
"Any property may now be taken for the benefit of another private party, but the fallout from this decision will not be random," O'Connor wrote. "The beneficiaries are likely to be those citizens with disproportionate influence and power in the political process, including large corporations and development firms."
She was joined in her opinion by Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist, as well as Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.
Copyright 2005 The Associated Press.
Thursday morning
I'm better than I was last night. Last night was one of those wallowing-in-my-misery moments. I know they'll come, but hopefully not too often - I really don't like my own company much when I'm in a mood like that.
The A/C guy will be at my house after 4:30 today. So I'm leaving work early, around 3:30, to be there to let him in. I don't think my team lead is happy about me asking to leave early, but it's June in Texas - air conditioning is really not optional when it's still above 80 degrees at midnight. (Note to self: get new air filters, the old ones probably need changing.) And being in the heat probably doesn't do much good for me getting over this crud.
On that note - I do feel better than I have in a while. But now I have this persistent cough that just won't stop! Feels like I'm about to cough up a lung. Maybe that's a good sign, though, if I'm coughing stuff up rather than having it go the other way. It's only my second day of the Omnicef, I'll try to be patient.
Looks like I may have a date tomorrow night - T asked about going out for a belated birthday dinner, and K has graciously agreed to stay with J for me. :) I need to find a babysitter - I know K doesn't mind extra time with J, but I can't expect him to cover for me long-term on his free weekends - that wouldn't be fair to him. But I do appreciate him doing it this time, and he knows I'd return the favor if the need arises. I'm glad we get along well enough that we can do things like that for each other. I know there are, and will be, moments where we drive each other nuts and think, "this is why I don't want to be married to you anymore!" or something along those lines. But I'm thankful that, barring some *real* weirdness (which, given all that's happened, I can't envision what that weirdness could be), we'll always be friends.
I started the Wellbutrin this morning. We'll see if it has any effect on my stress level, and then on my blood pressure as well. I don't feel any different, but then, it does take a couple of weeks to really kick in.
I'm tired. Being up for half an hour in the middle of the night is just yucky. Oh, the house did cool down some after that, although the air conditioner still wasn't cooling things off to where it should have been. But it made it a little easier to sleep, when I actually got to sleep.
Now I'd better work - lots to do, and I'm leaving early!
The A/C guy will be at my house after 4:30 today. So I'm leaving work early, around 3:30, to be there to let him in. I don't think my team lead is happy about me asking to leave early, but it's June in Texas - air conditioning is really not optional when it's still above 80 degrees at midnight. (Note to self: get new air filters, the old ones probably need changing.) And being in the heat probably doesn't do much good for me getting over this crud.
On that note - I do feel better than I have in a while. But now I have this persistent cough that just won't stop! Feels like I'm about to cough up a lung. Maybe that's a good sign, though, if I'm coughing stuff up rather than having it go the other way. It's only my second day of the Omnicef, I'll try to be patient.
Looks like I may have a date tomorrow night - T asked about going out for a belated birthday dinner, and K has graciously agreed to stay with J for me. :) I need to find a babysitter - I know K doesn't mind extra time with J, but I can't expect him to cover for me long-term on his free weekends - that wouldn't be fair to him. But I do appreciate him doing it this time, and he knows I'd return the favor if the need arises. I'm glad we get along well enough that we can do things like that for each other. I know there are, and will be, moments where we drive each other nuts and think, "this is why I don't want to be married to you anymore!" or something along those lines. But I'm thankful that, barring some *real* weirdness (which, given all that's happened, I can't envision what that weirdness could be), we'll always be friends.
I started the Wellbutrin this morning. We'll see if it has any effect on my stress level, and then on my blood pressure as well. I don't feel any different, but then, it does take a couple of weeks to really kick in.
I'm tired. Being up for half an hour in the middle of the night is just yucky. Oh, the house did cool down some after that, although the air conditioner still wasn't cooling things off to where it should have been. But it made it a little easier to sleep, when I actually got to sleep.
Now I'd better work - lots to do, and I'm leaving early!
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Why?
Why is my son awake at 1 AM, wanting milk? Why is it hotter than south hell in my house? I turned the A/C off when I went to bed. I just turned it on again. Wish me luck in getting it to at least cool down enough for us to sleep the rest of the night, such as it is.
And the freak show continues...
Another goodie on one of my meet-and-greet boards: A guy sends me a message, subject line asks if I like poems. The message is - you guessed it, a poem. The poem is one he's apparently written - whether just for me or something he had in his collection of writings, I don't know. It wasn't terrible. But what really stands out is that it mentions moonlight and nudity, and that seems a bit forward coming from someone I don't know from Adam and have never communicated with before. Who knows, maybe this is perfectly normal, and I'm the freak for finding it odd.
Taking stock
I'm in a mood tonight. A funk, a tailspin, a little black cloud state of mind. Whatever you call it, it ain't pretty.
Life sucks ass most days. I'm 37 - I'm not young anymore, and I've probably wasted a lot of time that I could have made better use of. I'm single, I'm opinionated, I'm too independent and stubborn for my own good, I'm nowhere near the societal norm of beauty (although when I'm not in a mood I think that's probably a good thing, if I could just tone up and shrink my disproportionately large butt a little), I'm short on patience, I'm sarcastic.... I could list my flaws for the better part of the night, if I sat here and thought about it.
My job. Feh. I'd like to know, why did I bother to get a law degree if I don't have sense enough to seek out a position that pays me what it's worth? Hell will freeze before I get a raise at this job. I have a co-worker who's knocked herself out for over a year, working overtime and weekends trying to get ahead - no raise, no bonus in two years. I don't know for sure why she hasn't gotten a raise or bonus. Maybe there's something about her job performance I don't know. Maybe there's something about her I don't know. All I know is, it doesn't seem right for someone to work that hard and not get any reward for doing it (and she's not an attorney, so I'd be willing to bet her paycheck is less than mine). She's got a family she could be spending time with, but she sacrifices that, and sacrifices her own well-being, to try to get ahead at work. So if she's not getting raises or bonuses, it's a pretty good bet that I won't, either - I'm not about to give up my nights and weekends and what little time I do have with J. And I don't think this job pays what a law degree is really worth. Granted, it's not practicing law, but the degree should be worth something. And as far as finances go, I don't want a better paying job just for the sake of the money. All I want to do is have enough to comfortably take care of my son and provide for him and his future, and maybe think a little bit about my retirement, so they don't drag my cold dead body from my cubicle when I drop in my tracks, still working to put food on my table at age 87.
And along the lines of money - it's always something. My A/C is on the blink. Yeah, in June, in Texas. Whoop-de-fuckin'-doo. It's currently about 83 degrees in my house, and it feels like south Hades. By some miracle my son has finally managed to go on to sleep. Thank God for ceiling fans, or it really would be nasty. What did we do before air conditioning? So there's money I'll have to shell out - may be a little, may be a lot, but it's still money I wasn't planning to spend.
Every day I get up and do the same stuff - get dressed, get J dressed, drop him off at school, go to work, slog away for eight or nine hours, come home, dinner, bath, bed (hopefully before 10:00), a little time for me, try to keep up with the neverending tide of laundry and dirty dishes and general clutter with varying degrees of success. I pick up the same toys every night, only to have them strewn about the next day. J is starting to help, but hasn't fully grasped that once we put the toys away, they stay away. I load and unload and reload the dishwasher. I do the wash. It gets dirty again. No one notices but me. No one appreciates that I do it - J isn't old enough to really realize yet that these things benefit him, and me telling myself "thank you" just doesn't seem to mean much. No one sees the house. Why do I try? Why do I care? I used to get really upset that I couldn't keep house like my mother - this was when I first got married. Her house was always immaculate, and it bothered me that as a newly married wife I couldn't do what she did - my house generally looked pretty lived in, and this was before there was any thought of a child, it was just me and K. I realize now that, even though she stayed home after they adopted me, she never stopped - she worked all day, every day to keep the house looking that good, keep up with the laundry and the dishes and the mess and the three hot meals a day (well, two, I fixed my own breakfast, but still). And she never stopped. I know why now - if she'd have sat down, she wouldn't have gotten back up to keep going! If she could barely do it all as a full-time wife and mother, how am I ever supposed to do it as a working single mother? I need a maid. No, scratch that, I need a wife.
And tonight it struck me how much of my time with J is spent rushing him to get dressed, encouraging/pushing him to go to bed/take a bath/brush his teeth, and how very little time we generally have during the week just to do fun things and enjoy spending time together. In the mornings, it's get up, rush rush rush, gotta get out the door. Getting up earlier isn't much of an option - I guess it could be done, but it would be difficult. In the evenings, it's let J play/watch TV while I fix dinner/clean the kitchen/do the laundry/insert chore here. Then we might play for a little bit, and then it's time for a bath. If he's feeling horsey about bath and bedtime, the next hour or two may be spent wrangling a reluctant screaming boy into the tub, and then trying to convince him to stay in bed and be still for long enough to realize he really is sleepy. I hate that I get vexed and frustrated for such a big chunk of my time with him - I don't want him to think that means that somehow I love him less, because that's not the case at all. I just find it vexing in the extreme when he's rubbing his eyes, asking to turn out the light and go to bed, and yet he keeps fighting and fighting to stay awake (not even do anything fun, just stay awake) for just a few minutes more. I wish I had more time to spend with him that was fun time, family time, learning time, playing time. But I don't, and it sucks. And weekend time is split with K. Not that I mind having time to myself - I don't, and I'm sure I'll come to treasure it, and I know taking care of myself makes me a better mother to J. It just sucks, that's all. It sucks that my marriage has to fall apart for me to really get time to myself.
I think I've wallowed in the pity pit long enough for one night. Time to crank up the fan in my room and try to sleep. Perhaps that Wellbutrin will help me with my mood as well as with my blood pressure after all....
Life sucks ass most days. I'm 37 - I'm not young anymore, and I've probably wasted a lot of time that I could have made better use of. I'm single, I'm opinionated, I'm too independent and stubborn for my own good, I'm nowhere near the societal norm of beauty (although when I'm not in a mood I think that's probably a good thing, if I could just tone up and shrink my disproportionately large butt a little), I'm short on patience, I'm sarcastic.... I could list my flaws for the better part of the night, if I sat here and thought about it.
My job. Feh. I'd like to know, why did I bother to get a law degree if I don't have sense enough to seek out a position that pays me what it's worth? Hell will freeze before I get a raise at this job. I have a co-worker who's knocked herself out for over a year, working overtime and weekends trying to get ahead - no raise, no bonus in two years. I don't know for sure why she hasn't gotten a raise or bonus. Maybe there's something about her job performance I don't know. Maybe there's something about her I don't know. All I know is, it doesn't seem right for someone to work that hard and not get any reward for doing it (and she's not an attorney, so I'd be willing to bet her paycheck is less than mine). She's got a family she could be spending time with, but she sacrifices that, and sacrifices her own well-being, to try to get ahead at work. So if she's not getting raises or bonuses, it's a pretty good bet that I won't, either - I'm not about to give up my nights and weekends and what little time I do have with J. And I don't think this job pays what a law degree is really worth. Granted, it's not practicing law, but the degree should be worth something. And as far as finances go, I don't want a better paying job just for the sake of the money. All I want to do is have enough to comfortably take care of my son and provide for him and his future, and maybe think a little bit about my retirement, so they don't drag my cold dead body from my cubicle when I drop in my tracks, still working to put food on my table at age 87.
And along the lines of money - it's always something. My A/C is on the blink. Yeah, in June, in Texas. Whoop-de-fuckin'-doo. It's currently about 83 degrees in my house, and it feels like south Hades. By some miracle my son has finally managed to go on to sleep. Thank God for ceiling fans, or it really would be nasty. What did we do before air conditioning? So there's money I'll have to shell out - may be a little, may be a lot, but it's still money I wasn't planning to spend.
Every day I get up and do the same stuff - get dressed, get J dressed, drop him off at school, go to work, slog away for eight or nine hours, come home, dinner, bath, bed (hopefully before 10:00), a little time for me, try to keep up with the neverending tide of laundry and dirty dishes and general clutter with varying degrees of success. I pick up the same toys every night, only to have them strewn about the next day. J is starting to help, but hasn't fully grasped that once we put the toys away, they stay away. I load and unload and reload the dishwasher. I do the wash. It gets dirty again. No one notices but me. No one appreciates that I do it - J isn't old enough to really realize yet that these things benefit him, and me telling myself "thank you" just doesn't seem to mean much. No one sees the house. Why do I try? Why do I care? I used to get really upset that I couldn't keep house like my mother - this was when I first got married. Her house was always immaculate, and it bothered me that as a newly married wife I couldn't do what she did - my house generally looked pretty lived in, and this was before there was any thought of a child, it was just me and K. I realize now that, even though she stayed home after they adopted me, she never stopped - she worked all day, every day to keep the house looking that good, keep up with the laundry and the dishes and the mess and the three hot meals a day (well, two, I fixed my own breakfast, but still). And she never stopped. I know why now - if she'd have sat down, she wouldn't have gotten back up to keep going! If she could barely do it all as a full-time wife and mother, how am I ever supposed to do it as a working single mother? I need a maid. No, scratch that, I need a wife.
And tonight it struck me how much of my time with J is spent rushing him to get dressed, encouraging/pushing him to go to bed/take a bath/brush his teeth, and how very little time we generally have during the week just to do fun things and enjoy spending time together. In the mornings, it's get up, rush rush rush, gotta get out the door. Getting up earlier isn't much of an option - I guess it could be done, but it would be difficult. In the evenings, it's let J play/watch TV while I fix dinner/clean the kitchen/do the laundry/insert chore here. Then we might play for a little bit, and then it's time for a bath. If he's feeling horsey about bath and bedtime, the next hour or two may be spent wrangling a reluctant screaming boy into the tub, and then trying to convince him to stay in bed and be still for long enough to realize he really is sleepy. I hate that I get vexed and frustrated for such a big chunk of my time with him - I don't want him to think that means that somehow I love him less, because that's not the case at all. I just find it vexing in the extreme when he's rubbing his eyes, asking to turn out the light and go to bed, and yet he keeps fighting and fighting to stay awake (not even do anything fun, just stay awake) for just a few minutes more. I wish I had more time to spend with him that was fun time, family time, learning time, playing time. But I don't, and it sucks. And weekend time is split with K. Not that I mind having time to myself - I don't, and I'm sure I'll come to treasure it, and I know taking care of myself makes me a better mother to J. It just sucks, that's all. It sucks that my marriage has to fall apart for me to really get time to myself.
I think I've wallowed in the pity pit long enough for one night. Time to crank up the fan in my room and try to sleep. Perhaps that Wellbutrin will help me with my mood as well as with my blood pressure after all....
This week's exercise in free association
From Unconscious Mutterings:
- Domesticated:: Tame
- Cask:: Amontillado
- Wayne:: Newton
- Insidious:: Sneaky
- Cool!:: Groovy!
- Dishwasher:: Mom
- Little house:: on the Prairie
- Stepford:: Wives
- Hung:: Up
- Falling:: Down
This morning's doctor visit
Went to the doc today - I'm on Omnicef this time, instead of Augmentin. Only one pill to take each day, instead of four - woo hoo! My blood pressure was up - big surprise there, especially since J was very "no" this morning and chose today, the day I needed to be at the doctor's office at a specific time, to be clingy at daycare. He eventually went off just fine, but it took him a little longer than usual this morning. I jokingly told my doc I thought she should let me try some Valium first, since I figured my blood pressure issues were about 90% due to stress. She said she didn't think Valium would be the best idea, but suggested that I try one of the anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicines first, to see if that helped. So she's started me on Wellbutrin, and wants to see me in about six weeks to see how I'm doing.
Here's some of the cons I've found re: Wellbutrin: can cause insomnia. And some other stuff, too, like the fact that it can cause seizures, but I don't have a history and I'm not on any other medications that might interact negatively with it.
Some of the pros: can cause loss of appetite and weight loss (I read on one site that it's actually being tested as a weight-loss medication!), can cause increased sex drive (but that's only good if I have someone around to share it with! LOL).
So we'll see if it helps me get a grip on my blood pressure. Hopefully it will.
I've got to work - tons to do, and I got in late because of my appointment. More later!
Here's some of the cons I've found re: Wellbutrin: can cause insomnia. And some other stuff, too, like the fact that it can cause seizures, but I don't have a history and I'm not on any other medications that might interact negatively with it.
Some of the pros: can cause loss of appetite and weight loss (I read on one site that it's actually being tested as a weight-loss medication!), can cause increased sex drive (but that's only good if I have someone around to share it with! LOL).
So we'll see if it helps me get a grip on my blood pressure. Hopefully it will.
I've got to work - tons to do, and I got in late because of my appointment. More later!
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