Happy 4th of July!

I hope we can all take a little time today to remember what this holiday is really about - American independence. God bless our country, and God bless the people who've given their lives to gain that independence for us and those who continue to do so.

I've got a lot to catch up on, and hopefully I'll get the chance to do that sometime this weekend. Today, though, it's cookapalooza at our house. We got a good deal on a lot of meat yesterday, so Brian is firing up the smoker, and we've got potluck at church tomorrow, so I'm whipping up some crawfish fettucine and lemon coconut bars as my contributions. Throw in a few loads of laundry and a couple of Bright Blessings orders to fill, and I think the weekend is just going to fly by!

Two months and two days

Happy two months, Rhyster Beast! We went for his two-month checkup on Wednesday. He now weighs 14 lb. 8 oz., he's 22 1/2 inches long, and his head is 16 inches in circumference. He got three shots and one oral vaccine. He handled the shots themselves OK - he fussed at the needle stick, but was fine once the nurse got Band-Aids put on - but he ran a little low-grade fever for about 24 hours and slept a LOT. He seems to have recovered his usual good nature, though, and it was a good checkup. He's doing everything he should be, according to the doctor. She said he should know who mama is, and I told her we joked that he has a "mama has left the building" radar - the few times I've gone out and left him with Brian, he's started screaming pretty much as soon as I've left and not stopped until I've come back! LOL (I tell Brian not to worry, that one day, Daddy will be way cooler than Mama!)

Another bit of inspiration

Internet Cafe Devotions strikes again:

…for your Heavenly Father knows that you are in need of all these things".

Matthew 6:32b


$10,000! Letters and phone calls came to the house demanding that we pay this amount to the hospital where I recently had surgery. I was struggling to make sense of the insurance forms, hospital and doctor bills, while trying to recover from a major surgery. We had fought with the insurance company to pay over $500,000 in bills so far.

Why did we still have to fight them for this amount, seemingly small in comparison?

We started to pray and ask God to intervene in taking care of this situation. A month later, our answer came in the mail. It was a letter from some friends from our college days. They heard that I had surgery and wrote to tell us they were praying and would like to help out with a gift. In the envelope I found a check for $10,000!

I could just hear the Father saying, "O what little faith you have! Did you forget that I know all these things and will care for you?" In my Bible, Matthew 6 is appropriately titled, "The cure for anxiety." God gives us all the hope we need in that one small section of the Bible.

He shows us how small our cares and worries are in comparison to His care and supply for us. Whether it is money or material goods, God can provide these things for us, just as He takes care of all of His Creation.

If you are struggling with anxiety over medical bills, house payments, or future plans, God has given you hope and peace in this short passage of Scripture to calm your hearts and turn your focus toward Him. Look for ways God is showing His care for you in the everyday, small ways and trust Him to take care of all the rest.

"Father, help me to remember your promises of provision, even when the outlook seems bleak. May I remember that how you care for your Creation is how you will care for me."

What monetary, medical, or relationship struggles are you going through?

How has God revealed Himself to you in the midst of these struggles?

Are you looking for ways that He is showing His care for you?
In Him,
Joanna

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Again, this is something I really needed to hear. We aren't facing a $10,000 medical bill, but we are facing the possibility of having to pay an obligation that we simply don't have the money for if we're going by our own resources. I'm screwing up my courage to call about it now, and I am scared. My parents didn't raise me to not pay my own way, I feel like a failure for being in this position, and I'm praying that God will, in His grace, rescue me yet again from my own foolish choices and not bring hardship to my husband and my kids because of my stupidity.

So if you're of a praying mindset, I'd appreciate some today, as I make that call. Pray I'll have the courage to actually pick up the phone and get it done (because it won't go away if I ignore it), pray that the situation isn't as dire as I'm building it up to possibly be, and pray that, if it is that bad, God will make a way clear for us to get through it.

Birthday party planning

Thanks to those of you who posted comments on my last post - I'm sorry there are others out there struggling with financial woes, but in some way, it helps knowing we aren't alone. And it helps, too, knowing I'm not the only one who struggles with really letting go and trusting God to work.

Birthday party thoughts: We're trying to think of money-saving ideas for Julian's party this year. It will be after I've gone to work and we've started paying through the nose for summer camp and daycare, so it's not like we'll be flush with cash. We'd thought of getting a five-pack of tickets to a local water park (which costs about $105 and includes food and unlimited drinks) for me, Brian, Julian and two of his friends, and making it something small that he could enjoy, rather than a big to-do at Pump It Up or Chuck E. Cheese or whatever. (As an added bonus, this way we wouldn't get a ton of presents from his friends that often just get overlooked in the mess of toys around here.) I mentioned this to J's dad, and he said he was sure Julian would be glad to have his four stepsiblings there. I wanted to ask him, "Um, are you planning on buying their tickets?" Because I wasn't planning on 1) having J's stepsiblings as the only party guests (if his dad is thinking the five tickets are for five kids total, instead of for the two s and three kids we'd thought of), or 2) shelling out a good bit extra for tickets and food for four more guests (if I'm paying that much, I might as well go to Pump It Up). Not sure how exactly I'll address this with his dad, especially as I know Julian will be invited to the joint party for his three younger stepsiblings (who all have July birthdays).

And along those lines, if we do go with the water park idea, would it be tacky to put a note in the invitation to this effect for parents: "We will be meeting at the front gate at such-and-such time. You are welcome to drop your child off and return at such-and-such time, when we will be at the front gate preparing to leave, or if you would like to attend with your child, you are welcome to purchase your own ticket." I have no problem with parents either dropping off or coming with, but I wouldn't want parents to think we were paying for their tickets. That would REALLY get expensive in a hurry, even if it were only for two or three parents.

Money may not buy happiness, but a little more of it could sure reduce some stress.

I read this post at Her Bad Mother, and it helped me think a bit about our financial situation.

On the surface, you'd think we should be doing OK. Brian and I both work full-time. Sure, a little bit more salary would be nice, and I'd like to see an occasional raise or bonus (but I figure there's probably not a lot of chance, given the industry I work in and the degree of government involvement there these days), but looking at it on paper, it would seem like we'd be all right, like we could make ends meet.

Yet somehow that doesn't seem to happen. It seems like each month we're scraping to make it, to get everything paid, and that's before we've had to add daycare expenses to the mix (diapers and formula and medical bills, yes, but daycare won't kick in for a few weeks yet). And now we're finding ourselves in the position of having to start shopping for a new vehicle. My car is in good shape, but the van isn't so much. It still runs well, but it's got 125,000 miles on it, it's got some electrical quirks, and one of the wheels on one of the side doors broke last week - it vibrated open while Brian was driving, and that just won't do, especially not with kids who ride in the back seats. Where will the money come from for a car payment on top of everything else? Beats me. We're behind on the house note, don't know where funds will come from to catch that up, and it seems like each month it gets a little harder to stay current on things - even with both of us working full-time.

I don't ever feel like God drops the clue brick on my head too often. I can't point to many things and say, "Hey, God really convicted me of this, and I got the message from Him loud and clear." Tithing is one of the things where I did get a message. Before Brian was working, we decided to pick a number to give as our tithe and stick to it, even if it wasn't the full 10%. When he started at his previous job, we decided at first to tithe the full 10% from his paycheck and stick to the same amount from mine, which was a pretty scary number to us given that his paycheck wasn't that much to begin with. I don't remember exactly when it happened, but one day it hit me - either we trusted God all the way or not at all, and if we trusted Him all the way, we needed to tithe the full 10% no matter how much it scared us or how impossible it might seem. Since then, we've been faithful to give that 10%, even though there are plenty of times when I'm tempted to keep it for us to use (never mind that, in the grand scheme of things, it's not like that would accomplish anything big - it wouldn't be enough to pay our house note for one month, much less catch it up, it wouldn't pay for a month of daycare, it wouldn't pay off my car or get us a new one). I know blessings don't always come in the form of money, but right now things are seeming pretty dire on the financial front, and it's certainly nothing I can fix in my own strength. I find myself singing this song in my head a lot:

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way,
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me,
He will be my guide,
Hold me closely to His side,
With love and strength
For each new day,
He will make a way,
He will make a way.

God is going to have to make a way on this one, because we simply don't have the resources at our command to fix things (short of a death in the family, and we don't want that - we'd much prefer to keep our loved ones with us, thankyouverymuch). I feel helpless, I'm having a hard time with that trust thing, I'm feeling like somehow I've failed my family by the choices I've made or not made, I'm feeling like I must have failed God and gotten far afield of His plan for things to be going so badly. And sometimes I even feel a little resentful. This afternoon we were driving back from doing some vehicle shopping, and we went through a really nice part of a nearby town, the area by the country club where the houses cost more than I'll ever see in my lifetime and where the subdivisions have a list of "approved builders", so you know they're really pretty hoity-toity. I told Brian that I don't care about living the high life, I'm not interested in a million-dollar home or a new luxury car, I just want to stay in my house, fix it up for my family, drive a nice reliable car, have money to pay the bills without it being down to the wire all the time (or even a few dollars short), be able to do the occasional fun thing like a family vacation, and maybe do some good for others that we don't feel like we have the resources to do now. If I wanted to live high on the hog, I can see God telling me, "no, you're just being greedy now, you can't have that" - but I don't, and I sometimes find myself thinking, "God, are we asking for that much that it's not something You feel like we need, enough to not be constantly stressed over and struggling with money?" I've wondered before if being a person of faith, someone who trusts God to provide and meet your needs, has to be inconsistent with any kind of financial stability or security, if those two are mutually exclusive and you have to be one or the other. I don't know if that's the case, but some days it sure feels like it.

And gosh, it seems like I had a very similar conversation with myself back in September. Things haven't gotten better, really, in almost a year. Bright Blessings hasn't taken off, I haven't found a job that will give me a fat pay raise, we haven't won the lotto. Still, we're being as faithful as we know how to be, and I do know God has a plan. Right now, though, I'm just really, really scared. I want to know how things will work out and when, and I'm having a hard time with the trusting and waiting part.

Getting rid of fifty things

I've been trying to make my breakfast nook into a space for my Bright Blessings supplies, and finally decided it was time to get serious. Here's the before:



I lost count of how many things I threw away, but it had to be more than fifty. It's not complete just yet, but here are the results so far:



I've learned that I need to just give things a good throwing away as I go, rather than letting them pile up, and that my mother was right when she said it was easier to just keep it clean all along.

Trust

I love this picture of Rhys. He's sound asleep, stretched out on my chest, not a care in the world. He has nothing but confidence that mama and daddy will meet his needs and take care of him.

A couple of weeks ago, I got this from Internet Cafe Devotions. It reads:

As he walked across the stage to sit down the picture painted a thousand words in my mind. Scott McEntyre, a blind contestant on American Idol, had to be guided through every step. He had no choice. It was his life.

What if we were like Scott?

What if we were that dependent?

Would life look different?

If you could not see one step in front of you, would you wait on someone to guide you or would you feel your way on your own?

Jesus waited for His every step from the One who saw the big picture. He knew He was not to lean on His own understanding.

It's a lost art in this day and age. We are taught to figure things out, get it right, take care of ourselves. Self-reliance is affirmed in the world around us. Do we really have any clue what it means to be totally dependent on anyone?

My daughter is getting married. The truth is we don't have enough money to cover all the expenses. We know God will provide. We've already seen Him cover things in unexpected ways. She's happy to have what He has for her, but sometimes we both feel the pressure to figure it all out.

She came to talk about the wedding cake. It's easy for her to bring the costs to her dad and I, after all we look like the ones who are supposed to have answers. I could feel the tension mounting inside me to come up with a way to cover the expense, when Jesus spoke to me.

"Jewel, tell her to come to me with each detail of this wedding, first." "Tell her I have a cake picked out for her, one I will provide for." "Tell her to ask me to let her fall in love with the one I've chosen for her." "Tell her to give it to me to cover." "She's looking to you and David." "You are not her resource, I am." "Teach her to depend on Me." "Oh and by the way, you need to remember too."

Jesus knows the path of trust. He was not self-reliant. He didn't have to come up with the answers. He knew God had the answers to life around Him. He knew the Father had His needs figured out and would cover them. He didn't fret or struggle to make it all happen. He waited to be covered. He spoke what the Father told Him to speak. He went where the Father told Him to go. He said what the Father told Him to say. Dependence was a way of life for Him.

Why do I not think life should be the same for me?

He speaks to me again. "Do not lean on your own understanding, Jewel." "In all your ways acknowledge Me. "Look to Me in all things, big and small. I will direct your path. I never meant for you to lean on yourself. I made you lean on Me." "I've got your covered."

He knows the path. He knows the answers. He has it all cared for. Whose understanding will I lean on? Mine or His? One will carry the burden, the other will relieve it.

It's pretty simple to understand, yet hard to live. Jesus asks me to live what He lived. Rely on the Father alone. Don't look to myself. Don't try to figure things out.

In those moments of blindness my need for dependence is great. I cannot see. I have no choice. I must be led. Need invites dependence. Dependence leads to life.

He's familiar with all my ways. Every detail is cared for by the One who ordained my life. It's was the path of Jesus. It's the path He wants for me. Self-reliance will kill me, while dependence will bring me life. Jesus knew this. He chose the path of life. It is there I will find Him. It's where He walked. It's where He now waits to walk with me.

Laying aside my world's entanglements I choose to stand in my blindness and wait. I know He is there. I feel His touch. I hear His voice. Rest permeates my body as I lean into Him knowing; He's been waiting for me. He's got me covered.

What about you? Is your immediate response to turn to Him or to try to figure it out? Is dependence more familiar to you or self-reliance?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge (look to) Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3: 5 & 6

This really spoke to me. Really trusting, really being dependent on God, is something that doesn't come easily for me. It seemed to be a lot easier when I was younger - not sure what happened along the way, but that childlike faith is hard for me to come by. I'm much more of the self-reliance school of thought. When there's a problem, I tend to think, "What can *I* do to fix this?" I struggle to find a balance between trusting God to lead me, to provide for me, to help me, and doing what I can to fix a situation. I don't think God expects us to sit idly by just expecting that a solution will fall into our hands, but I do need to be reminded often that He can and does work in unexpected ways. I want to lay my worries before God, confident that He has a plan for me and that He will work things out in His time and according to that plan, just like Rhys is able to fall asleep on my chest, knowing that next time he needs food, it will be there, and knowing he is loved. Some days (more days than not) it takes a conscious effort on my part to let go of the worries and fears I insist on carrying around for myself and insist on repeatedly trying to take back from God, but on those days I do really let go and trust, what a blessing that is.