Thursday, April 21, 2005

Am I weird?

I've wondered this quite a bit recently. I mentioned in my recent post how I'd rather have known straight up what was going on with C, if it is in fact something different or more than what he told me. Am I weird? Guys, offer your opinions here - do men tend to hold back with women when there are unpleasant things to talk about because they're afraid we'll just nut out? In your experience, would most women *not* prefer the direct approach? If I have to hear something I don't like, sure, I might get upset. I might cry a little (although these days, I'm just about as likely to throw things and yell as I am to cry). But I'd much, much rather have someone just be straight up with me, even if it might not be something I want to hear or deal with, than pussyfoot around and try to spare my feelings - just out with it, so I can have my moment and then move on. Are women, generally speaking, not like that? Maybe I was a man in a former life or something. I'm fairly unlike a lot of women I know, from what I've seen.

Today's big fun activity, since I'm home by myself - I made candles! This is a little hobby of mine I don't get to indulge too often, and I've made a dozen votives with a vanilla bourbon scent. Yummy. If I could ever find the time to make a lot, I'd sell them. Maybe someday!

Sure enough, J woke up howling at 5:50 this morning. Ugh. He got back in bed for a little while, woke up screaming again, wanted to rock, and then asked for his blanket and fell asleep on the sofa. LOL He later moved himself to the floor and slept there. Silly boy, the bed would have been much more comfortable.

I'm off to run more errands and have lunch with one of my girlfriends. More later!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

A better day

Yesterday absolutely sucked rocks. It was one of those days at work where it felt like everything I touched turned to shit, and I was just tired - tired of relationship stress, tired of having a job that made me feel stupid and incompetent at every turn, tired of the universe thinking I needed yet more growth and character-building experiences on an hourly basis.

Today was much better. :) I had a couple of things that had to be tended to at work, but they went better than expected. And I stayed late on a conference call with my manager - hope he was looking at his watch to see how long I was there! LOL K picked J up from daycare for me, so I was glad of that. I would have gotten there by 6:30 (the time daycare officially closes), but I hate for him to be there that late if it can be avoided. Today was one of those days, workwise, that makes me feel like I *can* get a grip on this job, I *can* do well if I just stick it out and keep trying. It's one of those days that makes me wonder if I shouldn't just give myself a little more of a chance to get better at it.

Oh, and speaking of things that suck - remember me talking about C way back when? The guy who kissed me last summer, then ran off, then took a month after mentioning it to ask me to dinner? He's buggered off again. We went to dinner the one time, talked a good bit...and then poof, he suddenly disappeared. ??? He finally called after dropping off the planet for about three weeks and said he just wanted to keep things casual, do the Internet dating thing, see what was out there. He said his ex-fiance was his first serious relationship, and he wasn't saying he wanted to sow his wild oats or anything, but he wanted to see what was out there (I thought, oh, you do too want to sow your wild oats, just call it like it is). OK, fine. I knew I wasn't in a position yet to be committed to anything, and I'm not sure I'd jump feet first into a commitment even if I was totally free right now - I'd like some time to just be me for a bit before I'm part of "Lisa and so-and-so". And I certainly wasn't expecting that he was limiting himself to seeing me, given that things aren't settled with me and K yet - I figured it *was* casual, shows you what I know. He said he was glad he could be honest with me, and he said he hoped he'd get a chance to see me soon. OK, great, let's just keep it light, keep it casual, no big deal. I saw his profile on one of the meet-and-greet sites, and sent him a little note just saying hi. After a period of days had passed (this was about three weeks after we'd had the "keep it casual" conversation), he wrote me back and said something along the lines of, good to see a familiar face, etc. He then said he was seeing someone else he'd met on another site - they were pretty serious, but taking things slowly. WTF?! In three weeks you can go from "seeing what's out there" to "pretty serious" about someone?! That just floors me. (And is it just me, or does the "I'm seeing someone else" sound like a total blow-off? I'm not even sure we have a friendship anymore, and we'd been friends for what, four or five years before this?) I figure one of three things happened: 1) he was seeing this person while he and I were hanging out and decided to pursue things with her (which would have been fine, and I would have much preferred to be told that straight up if that were the case), 2) he went off me for some reason I don't know and didn't have the balls to tell me (in which case he wouldn't have been honest with me, which chaps me - don't say you're glad you can be honest with me if you aren't *being* honest), or 3) he's a bit emotionally immature and tends to fixate easily, much like baby chicks bond to the first thing they see as "mama", and he did that with me and then nutted out about the fact that I'm not officially free yet. I wrote back and told him I was a bit surprised he was using the word "serious" about anyone, but if he was happy, hey, good for him, and I'd talk to him later. I haven't heard a thing since then. Whatever the reality, this lightspeed disappearance just confirms for me that there could never be anything long-term there. I don't need a man who hasn't grown up yet, and I don't think he has. I deserve better! I was stung a little at first, but then progressed to mildly annoyed, and now I'm indifferent. Lots of other fish in the sea, right?

Maybe guys my age just aren't what I need. I took a test on one of these little personality sites - something like "what's your real age" - and it told me I'm really 50 (or was it 48? Either way, it was something a lot older than my actual age). LOL So maybe I'd do better with older men!

I'm annoyed. The CD player in my car is useless right now - I've gotten a CD stuck in it. It won't come out, but also won't go back in to where I can at least listen to that CD. So I may have to take it to the dealership and lay out serious cash to get it fixed. Just what I need, after I already paid them a ton to do routine service, fix my driver's side window, and a few other maintenance-type things. I'd thought about just yanking the CD out with needlenose pliers, if I could get a grip on it (it comes out far enough that I can see the edge, but not to where it actually sticks out), but I'd be afraid I'd really screw something up then. Dammit. No more loud music in the car, not with just the radio - you know how that goes, you catch a good song halfway through, and then the next 15 minutes are either crap or commercials. *SIGH*

I've got to get some sleep. I'm taking Thursday and Friday off work, so it's not quite as imperative that J and I are up at the butt crack of dawn, but my luck, tomorrow he'll be up at 5:00 saying, "HEY, mama!" and ready to go (this from the child who, for the past two days, has told me, "no, go 'way, I want to sleep some more" when I've gone to get him out of bed - imagine what the teenage years will be like!).

Friday, April 15, 2005

Checking out the stats

I see from looking at my stats that someone from the Department of Justice has stopped by. Hi! Know of any attorney jobs with the DOJ in the Dallas area? LOL

It's always fun looking at the stats and seeing where people come from. It just boggles my mind that people in far-off places like Russia can read my little ol' blog.


Today's online fortune cookie:

"Now is a good time to explore."

In bed?! Woo!!! ;-)

It's Friday, and I'm glad. I stayed home yesterday because I was feeling puny, but I could still use another day or two off. I have so much that I could do in my house, so much to organize, so much to clean out.

I'm sugar-overloaded right now - we had a bake sale to raise money for March of Dimes today, and I ate waaaaaay too much chocolate. Ugh. :-p I think I should go home and work out.

More later!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Oh, to live where there's DSL....

You know, I like living where I do. It's nice not to have to deal with big-city traffic every time I leave my house. I like being two minutes from the grocery store and five minutes from the post office. But why, oh why, so close to one of the biggest cities in the country, can't I get something other than freakin' DIAL-UP?!?!

The home computer is finally set up, and I love it! It's worlds better than the old one (which I plan to revamp and pass on to J as his first computer - I figure he can't hurt it, and he can just bang away on it to his heart's content). But why, oh why can't I live somewhere with some way to get online other than dial-up?!?! No cable internet, no DSL where I live - I've looked and looked, and all I find that covers my area is dial-up. The new computer is much, much faster than the old, yet I'm still hampered by the fact that our local access number only connects at 28.8 KBps. *SIGH* I got all excited, thinking I could download some music and make really fun mix CD's. Imagine my disappointment, after creating this great playlist, to get a message saying it could take several HOURS to download music via a dial-up connection. *SIGH* So I'll try it on a weekend, when I can keep running in there and checking to make sure the connection hasn't gone kablooey and when it doesn't matter if the computer is tied up for several hours at a time (I wasn't going to stay up until the wee small hours last night waiting on a CD to finish). I live outside one of the biggest cities in the U.S., and said city is getting closer to my town every day. And all I can get is crappy dial-up?!?! Oh, wait, I forgot - I could get satellite Internet, it comes out to where I live. It's only $59.95-69.95 a month, not too bad. Until you find out you'd have to shell out close to $1000 for hardware and installation. I think not.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Car repairs and other miscellanea

I took my car to the shop yesterday - thought I needed new brakes, and I had a couple of other things I wanted to get taken care of if the cost wasn't outrageous. It turned out that my brakes are OK (I have a lot more brake pad left than I thought, that's for sure!), but at some point fairly soon I'll need new hub bearings on both sides of the car, to the tune of $480 a side. Apparently my wheels are designed in such a way that the bearings can't just be repacked - instead the whole hub has to be replaced. UGH. So I guess I'll start saving my pennies for that. I ended up getting my driver's side window fixed (it rolls down now - not essential, but it will certainly be a nice convenience to have it back), the regularly recommended 90,000-mile maintenance, a new license plate light (mine has been broken since I got the car) and a serious car cleaning. My car was so clean when I picked it up, I almost didn't recognize it! And when J saw it, he pointed to the wheels and said, "mama, those wheels not dirty anymore." I think he was amazed that they'd changed from dirt-colored to silver. LOL Nice to know things are in pretty good working order - the car is paid for now, and I'd like to drive it until the wheels fall off.

This can't be good, and it's certainly out of character. I don't care about food much these days. I know I need to eat, but I don't care what I have. I'd be just as happy with a mocha latte from Starbucks for lunch as I would with actual food, most days. It's like I just can't muster up the energy to bother fixing something, so I usually end up eating junk. Not good at all!

I've got a phone call to make that I'm not looking forward to. I guess I should make it and just get it over with. Maybe it won't be as bad as I'm thinking it will be....

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Palm readings and whatnot

One of my co-workers reads palms, and a few days ago she graciously agreed to read mine, along with a few other people's. Here are a few tidbits of what she said:

*I'm bossy and independent. (Me? Never! LOL)
*I'm confident in my abilities, if someone puts me down I may have a moment of self-doubt, but I don't stay down for long.
*I could do with sufficient sleep - I function better when I get 7-8 good hours. (Funny, I always thought I did all right on 5-6. LOL)
*I'm a rolling stone, won't stay in one place.
*My family tends to interfere in my business. (If I lived closer to home, you bet they would.)
*I tend to put men up on a pedestal, have an ideal that I hold them to.
*I'm ditching one man, but will find someone else.
*I'm very intelligent. (She asked if my IQ was about 140 or 150, and it's tested at anywhere from 140 to 160.)
*I'll face a physical issue in mid-life, but I'll come out of it all right.
*I'm not a good liar.
*I like to spend money (and no, she couldn't guess that by my clothes and jewelry - my clothes are crap, and my jewelry is all costume! LOL).

Pretty cool, and quite accurate!

In other news, the new computer has arrived! I hope to have it up and running pretty soon. I've got to reconnect the CD burner to the old one and copy some things onto a CD that I want to keep and/or transfer. But once I get that done, hopefully I can get the new one set up. I'm real curious to see how much faster it goes than the old one, see how much difference a faster processor and more memory can make.

This day is almost over, and I am SO glad. I'm pooped!!!

Wow, some fortune!

Today's online fortune cookie:

"People are naturally attracted to you."

Woo hoo!!! Add "in bed" to that, and you've got a REALLY good time! LOLOLOL

Monday, April 04, 2005

Fun with the J-man

Well, yesterday was the big day of Thomas that wasn't. We were supposed to go see Thomas the Tank Engine, and J was excited about going to see Thomas all day Saturday - he'd tell people he was going to ride on big Thomas. We all went yesterday - me, J and K. J was excited yesterday morning, bouncing and squirming in the backseat and talking about big Thomas. He was happy when we put him into the stroller - up until we were just about out of the parking lot. Then he suddenly started just howling and sobbing, saying he wanted to go home. We hadn't even seen Thomas at this point, so it wasn't like he got freaked out by Thomas being life-sized. But he was having none of any of it - said he didn't want to ride big Thomas, didn't want to have his picture made, he wanted to go home. At one point K and I took him out of the stroller, and he was just about ready to run out in traffic to get back to the car, that's how much he didn't want to go. He never wavered, so it wasn't like he was going back and forth between wanting to go and not wanting to go. He just DIDN'T WANT to go. So we decided there was no point in forcing it, no point in dragging J in screaming like a banshee. We drove by the depot on our way out, and J got to see Thomas - he still said he didn't want to ride, he wanted to go home. He was greatly cheered by the prospect of a trip to Target and eating at IHOP, though - K asked him if he wanted to go to IHOP and have eggs and pancakes, and J said, "And bacon!" So I'm not sure what caused it, but he was not interested in the day out with Thomas. Oh well, maybe next year. It was pretty funny, all the other kids were going in in their strollers happy as larks at the prospect of riding the train, and J was screaming like he was being dipped in boiling oil. At least it was a nice day for a drive in the car.

And the meltdown fun continued. We went to Target, that was fine. Went out for Mexican for lunch - J loved it, he ate the hot sauce with a spoon, like it was soup. Then we went to Toys R Us, because they have a lot of the Thomas wooden railway stuff. And there J went into indecisive toddler mode. He wanted Elizabeth, the quarry truck - then, "I no like her, I want Diesel 10." Got Diesel 10 - "I no like him." Finally he settled on Lady and the Sodor fire trucks, and K and I picked out a wooden railway starter set. Then J saw a train table set up, and nearly lost his mind - he *had* to get out of the buggy and play with it, and he declared he wanted one of his own (I'm thinking birthday). Then on the way out, he started crying when we had to wait in line - he was insistent that we pay for our things and go RIGHT NOW.

And once we got home, he played with his new toys just fine for a while. Then he wanted Diesel 10 and the quarry truck, and I explained to him that we'd left them at the store, we could get them the next time we went. TOTAL fit. J ran for the garage door, screaming that he wanted Diesel 10, wanted in mama's truck, wanted to put his shoes on RIGHT NOW. Finally I told him we weren't going, end of story, we could get the train next time we went, and he could just sit there and scream until it was out of his system, because we weren't going back to the store today. And eventually he gave it up and went on with his afternoon. But ugh, that was tiring.

J has apparently picked up a new word at daycare. He came home on Friday and announced, "He's a poopyhead!" I asked him who was, and he said, "Austin - he bit me." I then asked him who he heard "poopyhead" from, and he said, "Manuel." Big surprise there. But he said that word all night long, despite being told repeatedly that it wasn't nice to call someone that. I decided to just ignore it, figuring that the more I freaked out over it, the more likely he was to say it, just for my reaction. Seems to have worked - we didn't hear "poopyhead" at all yesterday. (This after he said last night, "Poopyhead's in the bed", and I pointed out to him that he was the only one in the bed, so who's the poopyhead? ) No, we got a new phrase last night. J dropped a toy, and promptly said, "Oh, crap." Then he said it again - and again, and again. "Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap." I couldn't help it, I laughed out loud. It just sounded so funny coming from him. And there again, I figure if I make a big deal about it being a "bad" word at this point, he'll keep saying it for the reaction. I'm just glad it wasn't anything worse than "crap" - you try not to slip up in front of your kids, but sometimes those words you don't want them to learn quite yet pop out.

He lost his voice yesterday. I'm not sure if he's getting sick again (can't remember if I wrote, he had a round with virus and sinus a couple of weeks back), or if it's just from all the howling he did, or what. He was starting to snot up this morning. I hope he doesn't have a cold.

And I was afraid we were going to have a bad time of it this morning. We got to daycare and I said, "yay, school!" J said, "Stop it, mama, I no like it." Huh? He said, "I want to go home," with that whiny tone in his voice that told me he was about three seconds from full-out tantrum. I told him no, mama had to go to work. Again, "I want to go home." I said, I know you do, baby, but we've talked about this - mama has to go to work, but I'll be back this afternoon to pick you up, and what happens then? "Mama gives J hugs and kisses!" I said, that's right, hugs and kisses. Then he started contemplating what they might have on TV in the gym, and he was much more excited about going then. So it turned out to be all right.

Which is good, because otherwise it's a tired and grumpy day. Traffic was hideous this morning - three wrecks on my way in, two of which were on the alternate route I took to avoid the first wreck (a biggie, with a 45-minute backup). So it was almost 9:00 before I made it here. How I wish I could telecommute.

I'd better get back to work. More later.