Saturday, July 29, 2006

No boundaries?

First off, I'm feeling moderately crappy. I've been running a fever since yesterday evening. It comes down with Motrin, but then goes back up as the Motrin wears off. Not really high - the highest has been about 101. Just enough to make me feel crappy. No other symptoms - no cough, congestion, sneezing, aches, etc. Just a fever. I guess if it continues, I'll go see my doc. Yay, that's just what I need - to have to take more time off of work. (I will say, though, that I was pleasantly surprised when our new manager stopped by my cube to ask how J was doing - I hadn't really expected that.)

J is feeling just dandy, by the way. :-) I'm very glad of that.

Some days I wonder how exactly K perceives his relationship to me. This is where the title of my post comes in, because in some ways, it feels like there are no boundaries. In some ways, it seems to be that he acts almost like we're still married - he comes over, eats my food, drinks my drinks, wants to know what I have to eat for dinner. In other ways, I feel like I fall into the best friend or even best buddy category. Example: Yesterday he had plans. He called today while J and I were out and about, and he asked if I had any concealer. Well, I'm no dodo, if you've had a date and you're asking about concealer, you're trying to hide something, and I don't mean a zit. I said yes, I did, and I wasn't even going to ask why he needed it, I didn't want to know. He said, um, yeah, well, he burnt himself on the curling iron (which is, of course, the classic excuse for why one might have a hickey - well, for girls, anyway, not sure what the classic excuse would be for guys). Now honestly, did I need to know that much? I think not. He could simply have asked about the concealer without the explanation of why he needed it, or he could have gone and bought some and never said a word to me. And it's not that I'm jealous - that's not it at all. But I'm his ex-wife - even without there being any question of me being jealous, is it really appropriate that he tells me (or hints at enough that I can figure out) what he does with some other woman? It seems maybe a bit much to me, even though we are friends and always will be. But maybe I'm just off in my thinking. I just know that I've never kissed and told to him - anything he's gotten into his head about what I may or may not have done since we've split up has come purely from his own imagination. Hell, I don't tell my girlfriends what has or hasn't happened, I don't even tell my own journal most of the time, why would I feel the need to mention it to K? Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't tell me some things just to see if I *will* react. I don't. I tell him to have a good time, and I mean it.

No word on a new job yet. I keep sending off to everything I can think of, and hoping for some good news soon. Until then, I keep slogging away where I am.

Now I think I'll take advantage of a relatively early bedtime for J to go have myself an adult beverage, do a little reading, and go to sleep relatively early myself. Ah, the glamorous life of the single woman....

Thursday, July 27, 2006


J is better, thankfully. He started running fever on Monday, and K stayed home and took him to the doctor (for which I was greatly appreciative!). Diagnosis: ear infection and viral infection, got a prescription for Zithromax. He was still running fever on Tuesday, so I stayed home with him. And he was crying in pain, saying he hurt, he hurt. He'd fallen out of the bed on Monday morning early (which was when I found out he was running fever), and K had relayed this information to J's doctor, but I wondered if there was something going on other than the ear infection. He's never had an ear infection that had him screaming in pain. So yesterday morning I stayed home and took him back to his doctor. She was concerned there might be a sinus infection down deep in his ear, something that wouldn't show up as an ear infection (and thankfully, his ears are now clear). So we went to the hospital close to home for a CT scan and x-rays and bloodwork - yeah, all fun with a 4-year-old in pain. The CT scan didn't happen (and people who say you can make your child do stuff like that clearly have never tried to do so). X-rays - got one, but the position they wanted J's head in caused him pain, so he wasn't having anything to do with that. Bloodwork - there are needles involved, 'nuff said. The bloodwork was clear, x-ray didn't show anything, but his doc felt like we should go to the ER at Children's in Dallas for a consult with a pediatric ENT and then, if necessary, the CT scan under sedation. I cried half the way there. I didn't want my baby to have to go under sedation for a stupid CT scan. I wanted him to be well and not hurt and not be sick. K met us up there, and we went another round with yowling boy. No CT scan, just x-rays, and after poking and prodding and watching J bounce around (he was perfectly fine as long as no one was making him put his head into a position that hurt him, and not running fever), they determined he'd pulled a muscle in his neck when he fell off the bed. Alternate Motrin and Tylenol every three hours for pain, and keep an eye on him, and that's that. All that craziness for a pulled muscle. I'm very very very very thankful that's all it was, though - the last few days have put me in awe of parents whose children are terminally or seriously ill, or who have special needs. I can't imagine how they keep going, because I was worn out after just a day of fighting to get J to have an x-ray done.

I had to laugh, though. This morning I told him we were going back to school, and he started howling and told me, "Nooooooo, I need my pillow (the one he'd held up to his neck when it hurt so badly), I'm running a fever, we have to go see Dr. Jean (his pediatrician)!" LOLOL Um, no - if you're well enough to fake it, you're well enough to go to school.

And he was ready to go back to the hospital, too. They had a ginormous train layout at Children's in the entrance area - all kinds of trains and tracks with little towns and people and different scenes, with several trains going at once, and J was just agog when he saw it. He wanted to go back last night, and when I told him no, we weren't going back, he said, "We go tomorrow." Um, no. LOL

So, he's better and K and I are much relieved.

I'll write more about his party late - it was a big hoot. I can't believe my baby is four!!!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Catching up

Lots to write about - work is still work, J's fourth birthday party, J being sick (viral infection and ear infection, first one after the tubes came out almost two years ago - I'm not thrilled to hear that, I hope we're not getting back into the round of constant ear infections). But first I just have to get something off my chest (and being as how it's almost 2 AM, that may be all I do right now).

OK, here's something bugging me right now. Tonight K asked me if Brian was the only person I was seeing. I said he was, and K - K! - told me I needed to see other people, that I could do "better than" someone living in Waco. WTF?! He told me I hadn't dated that many people, and he thought I should get out more. I told him I thought that was pretty funny, coming from someone who was so concerned about when his next serious relationship would be. He said, well, I've dated lots of people and you haven't. Again, WTF?! He's gone out on one or two dates with several different people (and undoubtedly had a lot more sex than I have), but A was the only person he'd gone out with a good bit when they decided they were exclusive (they've un-decided that now, but they're still boink buddies). So, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? Besides, I've gone out with several people - I went out with Rob for a couple of months, and with Tim for a couple of months, and had a couple of other one-time dates here and there. And I kind of sort of went out with Chad until he freaked out on me - twice. So. I personally think I've dated more than K. But that's beside the point, except to his mind. And I've certainly had plenty of time to contemplate what I'd like in a relationship, so it's not that I'm wishy-washy and don't know my own mind. What pisses me off more is that he told me I could do better than someone in Waco?! WHAT. THE. HELL. Am I wrong, or does this sound like a case of "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her, either"? First off, I know myself well enough to know that I'm not cut out to have several guys on a string at the same time. Hell, I can barely find time to see Brian as it is, and if a guy lived closer, it would be that much harder to 1) go out (because I'm fairly certain K would bitch like mad if I asked him to stay with J on a weeknight so I could go out to dinner - he's said before that he'd do that for me, but if I actually asked, his tune might change) and 2) stick to the "no one around J" rule (i.e., the guy is 20 minutes away, and he asks, oh, why can't we just all go out to dinner real quick? Harder then to keep putting off and saying no, don't you think?). Second, I'm not stupid. I'd never consider making anything remotely like a serious commitment to someone who's only ever lived within 90 miles of me - I think you have to be able to spend time with someone a bit more often than every couple of weeks to really know how you feel about that person. If he's the only one I'm dating, that's one thing, and my business, and nothing wrong with that as far as I can see. But there's no ring on my finger, and not likely to be one anytime soon, thankyouverymuch. And third, who is he to say what's "better" for me? Does he know a thing about Brian other than what I've told him? (And if he does, where exactly did he get his information?) For all he knows, Brian could come from a family of Texas oil and cattle barons, have an IQ of 170, have been a cover model for GQ, and drive for Meals on Wheels and tutor underprivileged children in his spare time. I think K and I differ on what's "better" or an improvement on what we had. I haven't talked about it with him, but I'd bet that to K, "better" means in large part someone younger and prettier than me (if he's looking for more intelligent, he may be out of luck, though), and probably a higher sex drive. To me, "better" isn't so much about GQ looks and age and money, but more about someone who's willing to put me first, ahead of himself, and to do what needs to be done to take care of the family (K has improved immensely in that regard, and has helped me out a LOT with my suck-ass salary and with stuff for J - way more than he'd be obligated to legally, but he used to not be that way, at least not as I saw it - when he kept the crappy temp job for four years without ever embarking on a really serious job search and wouldn't even pick up an application for a second/temp job someplace like Barnes and Noble, that didn't exactly say "drive to take care of family" to me). If a guy is considerate and puts my needs ahead of his 9 times out of 10, I will fall all over myself to make him happy, too. And I felt like I took second place to just about everything else for so long that having that is really important to me. So, who does K think he is, telling me I can do "better"?! I've thought, well, maybe he just wants what's best for me. And maybe on some level he does, but I don't think that's his primary incentive for telling me I should date other people. I think he just doesn't want to see anyone else having what he gave up.

And what the hell is wrong with Waco, I'd like to know? If the job market were better, I'd never have left there. I loved living in Waco, thankyouverymuch. We lived there the first year we were married, and I never heard him complaining. Had I not lost my job there, would he ever have mentioned moving?

Ugh. It vexes me. J's been sick, K stayed home with him yesterday, I was home with him today and will be again tomorrow, and I sure hope he's on the upswing because today was a bear. I'd better get some sleep in case he's up with the sun. More later.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The winds of change

Just a quick post this morning - no word on any new job leads yet. But changes are coming at work, and I don't have any confidence that they'll be changes for the better. Three people have given notice this week, and that, combined with the new things coming, make me nearly frantic to get out of there on my terms. I'm praying like never before to be delivered from where I am now and to find a new job that is a better situation for me.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Good omens?

I forgot to post - over the weekend, I found not one but two double-yolked eggs while I was cooking. I looked it up, and that's supposed to be an omen of good luck and fortune. I've never seen one before, so I thought two in one weekend was pretty interesting. (It's also supposed to be an omen of pregnancy, but unless I'm the next immaculate conception, believe me, that isn't even in the realm of possibility.)

Geckos in the house are also supposed to be lucky. I've got three (or I've seen three), including one who seems to have taken up residence in my shower. He's been in there for what, a week or two now? I'm used to it - I don't bother him and he doesn't bother me. :-)

Anyway, with all these lucky omens, maybe my luck is about to take a turn for the better. And perhaps I should buy a lotto ticket while I'm at it, you think?

The latest

Didn't get the Court of Appeals job - got a neg letter on Saturday. I was pretty disappointed, I'll admit. I moped a good bit on Saturday. But I knew that logically, this meant there was something else, something better, for me. Not that it didn't suck that I wouldn't be getting out of my current job as soon as I'd hoped, but there was a reason why the Court of Appeals job wasn't right for me.

So - reason found? On Monday I happened to look at the district and county attorneys' association website - mind you, I haven't been a prosecutor in eight years, never figured I'd go back. I nearly jumped out of my chair when I saw that the county where I currently live, the DA's office where I used to work, is looking for an attorney to handle Child Protective Services cases. !!! Ten minutes from my house. More pay. Kicking ass on people who don't do right by their kids. JUST posted on Monday, July 3, the day I saw it and the first work day after I got turned down by the Court of Appeals. A window opening where a door has closed? It was all I could do on Monday not to find some excuse to leave work and go hand-deliver my resume. I've typed up my cover letter and gotten it and my resume sent in tonight. I poured my heart and soul into that letter - it's going to someone I know, and I figured I had nothing to lose by just saying how I really feel rather than sticking to the usual cover-letter-type BS.

In other news - J was up at 6:30 both days over the weekend. UGH. He crashed at 6:00 Sunday night, though - passed right out on the couch. I carried him to bed and put his jammies on, and he rolled over, mumbled something about a book, and was snoring within minutes. He woke up at 4:30 Monday morning, which sucked, but he slept 10 1/2 hours (a lot for him, he must have been tired), and my first thought on seeing the clock when he woke me up was, "Oh, good, at least he made it past 3:00." LOLOL

Last night he slept with me, and neither of us slept too well, I don't think. He woke up at 5:45 this morning and wanted absolutely nothing to do with going back to sleep, so we were both up and crabby. For me, PMS and dead tired is NOT a good combination! He was asleep by 8:00 tonight, though, so again, he was tired. We read books, and he told me to go lay down in my bed. So I did, and I could hear him over the monitor, playing quietly. I must have dozed off, because I woke up a bit before 9:00, and he was snoring - he'd gone to sleep all by himself! Woo!!! (He usually wants me in there with him.)

And a funny. K came over today, and the three of us went to Target. On the way back to the house, we saw a police car hiding up in a parking lot, behind a sign, awaiting an unsuspecting speeder. K said, "Look at him hiding up there, sneaky little bastard." J promptly chimed in from the back seat, "Sneaky little bastard!" LOLOL Yeah, that's what I need, my kid to say "sneaky little bastard" next time I get pulled over for a ticket.

Anyway, I'd better try to get some sleep.