Eep.

My stomach is in knots. I got an e-mail from the guy who's been in touch with us re: restructuring our mortgage. He said to call him ASAP. Well, I can't check my personal e-mail from work, so "ASAP" was after 5 PM when he sent the e-mail just before 10 AM. I called and left a message on his cell, and I e-mailed. I hope he gets back in touch soon.

Surely God's plan won't include us losing our house and living with the boys in a shelter, will it?

The bad, the good and the not so good

Bad: A few weeks ago, the transmission in Brian's van bit it (ironically, as he was on his way to the transmission place to have it checked out). Being as how the van had 125,000 miles on it and a blue book value of about $3000 on a good day, we decided it wasn't worth investing $1500+ in it to fix the transmission. This left us a one-car family, which was fine as long as I was on maternity leave (well, not fine, but doable), but I go back to work on July 10 (tomorrow, but that may be a topic for another post). We needed a vehicle, but weren't really in a position where we felt comfortable adding a car payment to the budget right now. What to do?

Good: We found a 1986 Ford F-150 extended cab for the right price, only 50,000 miles on it. Score! We paid cash, no car payment needed. The air conditioner blew but didn't cool, but a mechanic here in town fixed that for only $109.70 (that and a couple of other little tweaky things, too). And when Brian gave him a $100 and a $20, he said, "Keep the $20, I'll just take the $100 and we'll call it even." He is SO our mechanic for life.

Not so good: The truck didn't want to start today while Brian was running errands on his lunch hour. *sigh* Brian talked to an old guy at the post office (where he was when it conked out) who saw him messing around with the truck. The guy had worked on Fords for 40-odd years, and told Brian it was either the timing chain or a stripped timing gear. I called A+ (where we took it before), and the mechanic told me it would be at most $300-400 to fix. Thankfully we have that right this minute, so that's a good thing. And Brian can take me to the bus station tomorrow and keep the car to do his running around with the boys while I'm at work. It will mean everyone getting up sucktastically early, as I need to be at the bus station by 7:00 to get to work by 7:30, which means leaving here by 6:30 at the latest. That should be fun! Not. Oh well, it could be worse. We could be a one-car family all the time. That would be a big logistical ball of fail.

Another bit of inspiration

Internet Cafe Devotions strikes again:

…for your Heavenly Father knows that you are in need of all these things".

Matthew 6:32b


$10,000! Letters and phone calls came to the house demanding that we pay this amount to the hospital where I recently had surgery. I was struggling to make sense of the insurance forms, hospital and doctor bills, while trying to recover from a major surgery. We had fought with the insurance company to pay over $500,000 in bills so far.

Why did we still have to fight them for this amount, seemingly small in comparison?

We started to pray and ask God to intervene in taking care of this situation. A month later, our answer came in the mail. It was a letter from some friends from our college days. They heard that I had surgery and wrote to tell us they were praying and would like to help out with a gift. In the envelope I found a check for $10,000!

I could just hear the Father saying, "O what little faith you have! Did you forget that I know all these things and will care for you?" In my Bible, Matthew 6 is appropriately titled, "The cure for anxiety." God gives us all the hope we need in that one small section of the Bible.

He shows us how small our cares and worries are in comparison to His care and supply for us. Whether it is money or material goods, God can provide these things for us, just as He takes care of all of His Creation.

If you are struggling with anxiety over medical bills, house payments, or future plans, God has given you hope and peace in this short passage of Scripture to calm your hearts and turn your focus toward Him. Look for ways God is showing His care for you in the everyday, small ways and trust Him to take care of all the rest.

"Father, help me to remember your promises of provision, even when the outlook seems bleak. May I remember that how you care for your Creation is how you will care for me."

What monetary, medical, or relationship struggles are you going through?

How has God revealed Himself to you in the midst of these struggles?

Are you looking for ways that He is showing His care for you?
In Him,
Joanna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Again, this is something I really needed to hear. We aren't facing a $10,000 medical bill, but we are facing the possibility of having to pay an obligation that we simply don't have the money for if we're going by our own resources. I'm screwing up my courage to call about it now, and I am scared. My parents didn't raise me to not pay my own way, I feel like a failure for being in this position, and I'm praying that God will, in His grace, rescue me yet again from my own foolish choices and not bring hardship to my husband and my kids because of my stupidity.

So if you're of a praying mindset, I'd appreciate some today, as I make that call. Pray I'll have the courage to actually pick up the phone and get it done (because it won't go away if I ignore it), pray that the situation isn't as dire as I'm building it up to possibly be, and pray that, if it is that bad, God will make a way clear for us to get through it.

Money may not buy happiness, but a little more of it could sure reduce some stress.

I read this post at Her Bad Mother, and it helped me think a bit about our financial situation.

On the surface, you'd think we should be doing OK. Brian and I both work full-time. Sure, a little bit more salary would be nice, and I'd like to see an occasional raise or bonus (but I figure there's probably not a lot of chance, given the industry I work in and the degree of government involvement there these days), but looking at it on paper, it would seem like we'd be all right, like we could make ends meet.

Yet somehow that doesn't seem to happen. It seems like each month we're scraping to make it, to get everything paid, and that's before we've had to add daycare expenses to the mix (diapers and formula and medical bills, yes, but daycare won't kick in for a few weeks yet). And now we're finding ourselves in the position of having to start shopping for a new vehicle. My car is in good shape, but the van isn't so much. It still runs well, but it's got 125,000 miles on it, it's got some electrical quirks, and one of the wheels on one of the side doors broke last week - it vibrated open while Brian was driving, and that just won't do, especially not with kids who ride in the back seats. Where will the money come from for a car payment on top of everything else? Beats me. We're behind on the house note, don't know where funds will come from to catch that up, and it seems like each month it gets a little harder to stay current on things - even with both of us working full-time.

I don't ever feel like God drops the clue brick on my head too often. I can't point to many things and say, "Hey, God really convicted me of this, and I got the message from Him loud and clear." Tithing is one of the things where I did get a message. Before Brian was working, we decided to pick a number to give as our tithe and stick to it, even if it wasn't the full 10%. When he started at his previous job, we decided at first to tithe the full 10% from his paycheck and stick to the same amount from mine, which was a pretty scary number to us given that his paycheck wasn't that much to begin with. I don't remember exactly when it happened, but one day it hit me - either we trusted God all the way or not at all, and if we trusted Him all the way, we needed to tithe the full 10% no matter how much it scared us or how impossible it might seem. Since then, we've been faithful to give that 10%, even though there are plenty of times when I'm tempted to keep it for us to use (never mind that, in the grand scheme of things, it's not like that would accomplish anything big - it wouldn't be enough to pay our house note for one month, much less catch it up, it wouldn't pay for a month of daycare, it wouldn't pay off my car or get us a new one). I know blessings don't always come in the form of money, but right now things are seeming pretty dire on the financial front, and it's certainly nothing I can fix in my own strength. I find myself singing this song in my head a lot:

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way,
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me,
He will be my guide,
Hold me closely to His side,
With love and strength
For each new day,
He will make a way,
He will make a way.

God is going to have to make a way on this one, because we simply don't have the resources at our command to fix things (short of a death in the family, and we don't want that - we'd much prefer to keep our loved ones with us, thankyouverymuch). I feel helpless, I'm having a hard time with that trust thing, I'm feeling like somehow I've failed my family by the choices I've made or not made, I'm feeling like I must have failed God and gotten far afield of His plan for things to be going so badly. And sometimes I even feel a little resentful. This afternoon we were driving back from doing some vehicle shopping, and we went through a really nice part of a nearby town, the area by the country club where the houses cost more than I'll ever see in my lifetime and where the subdivisions have a list of "approved builders", so you know they're really pretty hoity-toity. I told Brian that I don't care about living the high life, I'm not interested in a million-dollar home or a new luxury car, I just want to stay in my house, fix it up for my family, drive a nice reliable car, have money to pay the bills without it being down to the wire all the time (or even a few dollars short), be able to do the occasional fun thing like a family vacation, and maybe do some good for others that we don't feel like we have the resources to do now. If I wanted to live high on the hog, I can see God telling me, "no, you're just being greedy now, you can't have that" - but I don't, and I sometimes find myself thinking, "God, are we asking for that much that it's not something You feel like we need, enough to not be constantly stressed over and struggling with money?" I've wondered before if being a person of faith, someone who trusts God to provide and meet your needs, has to be inconsistent with any kind of financial stability or security, if those two are mutually exclusive and you have to be one or the other. I don't know if that's the case, but some days it sure feels like it.

And gosh, it seems like I had a very similar conversation with myself back in September. Things haven't gotten better, really, in almost a year. Bright Blessings hasn't taken off, I haven't found a job that will give me a fat pay raise, we haven't won the lotto. Still, we're being as faithful as we know how to be, and I do know God has a plan. Right now, though, I'm just really, really scared. I want to know how things will work out and when, and I'm having a hard time with the trusting and waiting part.

Diagnosis

Monday was an eventful day - ophthalmologist, pediatrician, and teacher conference. Some holiday for me, huh? LOL

Julian's eye appointment went fine. His vision is good enough to pass a driving test, so no glasses needed at this time. Julian seemed pretty disappointed by that, saying he wanted glasses! Silly boy. LOL The ophthalmologist said that at some point, he may indeed need glasses if his vision gets poor enough that he can't do what he needs to do without corrective lenses. But for now, he's good. And the ophthalmologist was great - well worth the drive to Plano.

The pediatrician's visit was draining. Even though I already knew what I was going to hear, it was still a lot to process. I showed Julian's doc the Conner's survey from his teacher, and we talked about what the teacher and counselor had described in terms of the issues he was having at school. She then asked me what I thought, if I believed it, and I had to say yes. I see how he can't sit still. I see how his emotions are up and down, up and down. I see how he can't focus long enough to get his work done without me sitting right there with him, helping him keep himself on track. I see the anger and the opposition. So I had to say yes, I believe it. She said she's known it pretty much since Julian was an infant, but she doesn't bring up the subject until parents broach the subject with her. She asked Julian to sit still and be quiet and not move while she and I talked, and he lasted maybe two minutes before he was moving around, looking under the exam table to see what was there, messing with his hair and his ears - he couldn't do it. His doc said we could do more testing to see if there was anything else going on, and I told her the counselor at school said it's the attention/behavior issues driving the learning difficulties, not the other way around, and his teacher said he's very intelligent and should do well if we can get a grip on the attention/behavior. So we're trying meds - we're starting with 20 mg of Vyvanse. The doc recommended we start it on the weekend, so I can have a day or two to see how he reacts to it before he goes off to school on it, and he needs to take it first thing in the morning with food, preferably protein. (That should be fun, as the only protein Julian wants to eat for breakfast is bacon and eggs, and I can't make bacon and eggs every morning.) We'll take our first dose on Saturday, and we'll see how it goes. Other than the ADHD discussion, there was a checkup - Julian is 3 feet, 10 1/4 inches tall and weighs 56 pounds now. There was also the Flumist nose spray (not much fun), a finger stick to check his hemoglobin (less fun than the Flumist), and the second half of the Hep A shot (took both me and Brian to hold him down, and there was lots of screaming).

That afternoon, I met with his teacher and counselor. The counselor had done an observation of Julian for a 20-minute period when he had a specific task to work on - it wasn't time where it was OK for him to be up and moving around the classroom. The time period was broken down into 30-second intervals, and she observed how often he was off task, playing with objects, out of his seat, etc. During that 20 minutes, he was off task 65% of the time, playing with whatever he could get his hands on (pencils, paper, bits of eraser) 45% of the time, singing to himself 30% of the time, and out of his seat 20% of the time. He was also redirected by the teacher six times, but the counselor said the student teacher was in charge right then and may have gone easy on Julian because she knew the counselor was observing. That kind of inattention can't help but affect his schoolwork. I saw work done by the kids posted on the walls of the classroom, and Julian's handwriting is noticeably worse than most of his classmates - yes, theirs is still clearly kid handwriting, but Julian's is so much less developed and looks so much more strained. I could pick out his work from the little tail on his small a's and his backwards s's. The counselor said handwriting issues are fairly common in kids with ADHD, and that that should improve as his focus improves. She also said that reading is usually tough for ADHD kids, and I said, oh, no, reading is one thing where he seems to be doing well. I told them we're a family of bookworms and reading has always been highly encouraged, and his teacher said he is doing well, by her testing. Julian reads 65 words a minute and comprehends most of what he reads, and he just moved up another level this week, so reading is our best subject at this point. I told them we'd be starting the meds this weekend, and the counselor said she'll do another 20-minute observation before we go back for the follow-up with his pediatrician, so we'd have something to compare the first one to. Overall, it was a good talk, and I think they know now that I'm not blowing off what they say and I am committed to helping Julian get on a good track and do well in school, and I feel like they are, too. So it was a lot to process in one day, but ultimately, it's good to know we're taking steps to help Julian do as well as I know he can. And if we get the ADHD under control, I think he'll do well in school.

Brian went back to work on Wednesday. This eight days on, six off is a challenge. It's like I just get used to him being back, and then he's gone again, and then I just get used to being by myself, and he's back. How families with one spouse on shift for long periods of time manage it, I'll never know. I'm thankful for his job, but boy, the logistics are way less than ideal. He's looking at several options at home, including the museum field, Child Protective Services, and whatever else we think of that might have potential. There haven't been any new teacher openings anywhere, and he hasn't gotten any sub assignments at all. I just hope something works out closer to home when we really need it. And if his work hours end up being cut (which is a possibility if enrollment doesn't go up), I'm telling him to just find something, anything closer to home. When you break down his paycheck by how many hours he's officially on shift, it works out to about $6.00 an hour (which is, I just realized, less than minimum wage). I think retail or warehouse work would pay better. If he ends up working less hours and getting paid less accordingly, it wouldn't be worth the drive out there or the time away from home.

I'm trying to remember, we walk by faith, not by sight. Today, it's a real struggle to keep that faith.

It's always something

Yesterday I wrote a whole long post about it being enough that God cares, that He never promised to fix all our problems or make life easy, but He does care and promises never to leave us, and that's enough. And then things just keep on coming.

Julian's teacher e-mailed me yesterday. We'd been talking about his difficulties in class, and she had asked about getting the counselor involved. I said that was fine, as I know we all want to see him do well in school, and I'd take suggestions from whatever corner they were offered. He's had a real hard time in school discipline-wise, and I think part of it because Brian is away at work, and that's causing some fears and anxieties that he's having a hard time managing. Well, his teacher and the counselor reviewed his Connor's surveys from last year, and they both feel like Julian exhibits many ADHD tendencies (last year it was just hyperactivity and impulsivity, and that not high enough on the scale to warrant a formal diagnosis). His teacher said that Brian being away may be affecting him, but that he has trouble focusing every day, and there's no real difference in that whether Brian is away or at home. She said she feels like Julian is a very intelligent young man, but that this lack of ability to focus on his work is beginning to affect his performance at school.

I sat at my desk at work yesterday afternoon and tried not to cry. I felt like the worst mom in the world, 1) for not doing more to follow up after we talked to the counselor at his school last year, and 2) for not realizing how very bad it had gotten. I've asked the teacher if she and/or the counselor can give me something in writing that I can take to his pediatrician, and we'll follow up with her. I guess the next step would be to consult with a psychologist, to see if he is at a level where he'd be formally diagnosed, or at least get some ideas for what to try next. I'm not crazy about the idea of medication, but if that's what it takes, I know it can make a world of difference once you've found the right medication and the right dose. My heart just hurts for Julian, trying all this time to do the right thing and just not really being able to do it. He's told me lately that his brain just won't let him pay attention, and I guess it really won't. So that was one thing.

Then there's the garage door. We got ready to leave this morning, and the door only opens about 1/3 of the way and stops. I can't get it to move now, not even releasing the catch and trying to do it by hand. Something is hung up, and hung up good, to where it won't budge. We can't get the van out of the garage, and we're not close enough to work or school to walk. So we're at home right now. The door can be repaired, for a price (yay, more money I don't have that needs to be spent). If the repair guy gets here in time, I'm hoping Julian can make it for part of the school day. Me, I'm giving work a miss. It's not worth the expense in gas and parking for me to go up there for half a day. What a thing to burn a vacation day on, huh?

So, the hits just keep on coming. Money for an eye appointment. Money for a garage door repair. Money for whatever help Julian needs with his behavior issues. I know money can't buy happiness, but it sure seems like having enough of it to go around would make things a little easier.

I'm praying a LOT today. And I'm going to make fudge. Prayer and chocolate have to make things better, right?

Finally, some progress

Well, I've got some news on the car. I talked to the service tech, and he said it did act up for them (finally!). There's something called an IAC valve (intake air control, maybe?), and he said it's sticking full open, he thinks it's trying to compensate for the engine getting too much fuel. If it's just that the valve is bad, it won't be too terrible to fix. If it's something more complicated, I don't know how bad it will be to fix. Part of me is glad they're making progress, and part of me is vaguely nauseous at the thought of how much it might cost to fix.

But I knew it was the fuel system! I should be a mechanic.

On the road again

I have my car back! Yay!!!! It ended up costing $489 instead of the $525 they'd quoted me yesterday. I'll never complain about it costing less. And given the nature of the problem, they had to drain the oil out of my engine and replace it. So I basically got a free oil change thrown in as part of the deal. The car seems to be running fine so far, no issues starting, and the swooshy/sloshy noise is gone. It seems to drive better, too. My opinion of the dealership has gone up immensely - this experience was much better than a couple I'd had several years ago.

I mentioned my concern to K about him being so tired. He got all defensive and said he'd never fallen asleep driving, that he just fell asleep on the couch. Well, yes, but he does that almost every time he's at my house, falls asleep on the couch. And he's always talking about how tired he is. And no one ever plans to fall asleep while driving, that's why it's called an accident. I just want him to know I'm concerned about him - yes, I want J to be safe while driving with him, but I want him to be safe, too.

I'm so glad today is Thursday. Only one more day, and I get to see Brian! No big plans this weekend, it should be pretty low-key. I could use low-key after the insanity that has been work this week.

Closing on my refinance will be Monday morning at 9:00. They'll then have to give me three days to change my mind, so the money should be paid out on Friday. I may not get it until Saturday, though, but at least I know it's on the way.

Better and then not so much

First, the good news. I'll be doing transcription for 12.5 cents a line! Woo! I'm getting my own machine, found one refurbished on eBay for about a third of the retail price. So once I get that, I'll be good to go! (Julie, if you're reading this, THANK YOU!!!!) I'm excited. It will be good experience, a chance to see how well I might really like it (i.e., could it possibly become a career for me so I could tell corporate America to kiss my big ol' booty?), and much-needed extra cash.

I think I may have mentioned the childcare reimbursement program at work. The guidelines said your individual income had to be less than $34,000 and family income had to be less than $60,000 to qualify. I made the argument that I am the family income and I make less than $60,000, and apparently I qualify. :-) They'll reimburse you up to $175/month for care for children under age five, and up to $152/month for care for children ages five to twelve. Not a lot, but every little bit helps. So that's good news!

My car is fixed. They couldn't duplicate the starting problem, but the swooshing/sloshing noise I heard was a coolant leak from the intake gasket. Cost to fix: $525. I'm not *excited* about spending that much, but it made me wince, not wail and gnash my teeth. It's painful, but not unbearably so. The service technician said that this repair might somehow clear up the starting problem, but if that continued to be an issue, I can bring the car back and they'll do the diagnostic work for free to figure out what's going on. I thought that was pretty cool, although I hope I won't have to take them up on it. So tomorrow morning I'll take the rental car back, get a ride to the dealership, and pick up my car. J will be very disappointed to take the Kia back - he kept telling me, "Mama, I like this car. It's so CLEAN!" LOLOL He said we should keep it, and when I told him we were just using it until I got my car fixed, he said, "OK, we'll just drive it for a few minutes, then." Silly boy. :-)

And now for my bitchy bits.

Does J just not listen? Has he not yet developed a sense of empathy? I know he's not stupid, I know he can understand what I'm telling him - not like I'm using words that are beyond his ability to comprehend.

I was picking up toys tonight and had a big plastic bucket of them in my hands, so no way to break a fall. I stepped on one that had gotten left out, lost my balance and fell into the entertainment center. My arm and hand landed on the edge, but I didn't seriously hurt anything. I could have fallen all the way down, I could have hit my head on an edge or a corner, I could have gone through the glass front, and been seriously hurt. I told J that this is why I ask him to pick up toys, so we don't step on them and fall and get hurt. His response? Nothing. Not even to ask if I was OK. He just kept on playing and pretty much ignored me, even though he'd been looking at me when I talked to him. When do kids start to learn empathy? It makes me wonder if mine is just a late bloomer in that regard, or what.

And K. Once again, I have the urge to smack him (yet I also feel strangely bad at the same time - read on). I had my cell phone in my pocket, and I was trying to get J to sleep. (Note to self: turn ringer off.) It was right about 10:00, and finally, after a rough night, J was just dozing off. The effin' cell phone rang and he sat bolt upright in bed. It was K - apparently he thought J would still be awake, so he called. Um, have we just met?! Do you not remember that this is about the time every night I'm trying to get him to freakin' SLEEP?! Like I said, it was a rather bad night, so I'm sure I sounded pissy. Kevin said he'd talk to me tomorrow and hung up - didn't say anything about why he was calling at a rather odd hour. After a bit, I then thought maybe something was wrong, so I sent him a text message. He wrote back and said he was just missing J, and thought maybe he'd say good night if he was still awake. So then I felt bad. But then I thought, again, it's 10:00. Even if J is awake, K should know that I'd be trying to get him to sleep, not wanting him to be kept awake. And even a short phone call can rev his engines up and keep him from sleeping easily. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Thankfully J didn't get all wound up and did go to sleep in (for him) relatively short order.

This, after tonight. K picked J up for my late night (turns out I didn't have handbells, since it's spring break this week, but I didn't know that). I got home, K left. Fine and good, until I walked across the living room and stepped in a big squishy wet spot - almost a whole glass of milk had been spilled on the carpet and not cleaned up at all. I asked J if he'd told daddy about the spill. He said yes. I thought and then asked if daddy was asleep when J told him (K had said he was tired, and J had already mentioned daddy sleeping). Again, yes. So K just snoozed away while J put a whole cup of milk in the middle of the carpet (rather than on a hard surface, where cups belong) and (not surprisingly) knocked it over. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Then I found that he'd left J's soy milk sitting out. Milk. Needs to go in the fridge. Soy milk. Not cheap. My frustration knows no bounds. Thankfully it hadn't been out long enough to go off, but still. What if I hadn't noticed it? And a grown man should be able to put milk back in the fridge.

I'm irritated because now I have to clean my carpet again (at least I have the Bissell now). And I'm worried that K is that tired, that he couldn't/wouldn't rouse himself when J said something to him. What if J had gotten into something he shouldn't have? What if he'd set something on fire? What if he'd gotten into something worse than milk? What if he'd cut himself? If K can't be roused by his son, that's a problem - he needs to go to bed earlier if it's because he's up too late, or get some medical attention if he's just physically/mentally unable to sleep. That's for J's good when J is with him and for his own good. What if K falls asleep while he's driving? Worse yet, what if he falls asleep while driving with J in the car? These are the things that come to mind and that worry me - brought on by a big puddle of spilled milk. (I'm not crying over it, I'm worrying over it. That's something completely different.) Not sleeping well isn't healthy. There's a reason sleep deprivation can be used as a form of torture - it makes you feel like crap and makes you unable to function. So I'm vexed with K (because there's a big wet milk puddle in the middle of my formerly-somewhat-cleaner carpet) and worried about him, too (because this kind of tired isn't normal).

I'm going to take a bubble bath and have a glass of wine. I am one big stress kitty right now, and I've got to get up early to go get the rental car back and get my car.

More automotive fun

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

My car wouldn't start again this morning. I tried to rev the engine to get it to catch, as it was running really rough, but it died. I waited a few minutes, and it started. With J in tow, I got the car to the dealership in Waxahachie. They'll check it out and let me know. The guy thinks the starting problems and the strange noise I'm hearing are related. He also said he'd had one with a similar noise problem and it turned out to be a coolant leak. He mentioned the heater core, and I said I'd had mine replaced in December - if Kwik Kar effed something up doing that, I'm going to scream. And if it involves the heater core or that general area, I already know what that involves - taking the whole damn dashboard off and a shitload of labor costs. It cost me over $800 to get that bad boy replaced. Then I went to Hertz to rent a car. I had to get cash out of the bank to rent a car, because my debit card wouldn't go through. When, when, when does it get BETTER?!?!?!

And I'm now driving a nice little Kia Spectra, and thoroughly depressed - it's such a nice, clean, quiet little car, no funny rattles or bumps or things that need fixing, and I know a new car is not even close to being in my budget. :sigh: So I'll keep driving my rattly, bumpy, messy, paid-for heap.

And then there's K. As I've said before, he has helped me out above and beyond child support, and I do appreciate that. I have told him that when I find a better job and my financial situation is more stable, I'll pay him back that amount as I can. Today I called to let him know I'd made it in with the car and gotten the rental car, and I also mentioned that Katy said my loan will go through, and we may be able to close as early as tomorrow. K asked how much cash I was getting, and I told him I was going to ask for a bit more than I'd originally planned, to cover these car repairs. He started asking me if I could pay back part of what I owed him. I said I could pay some, and he started asking for an amount. I was worried about my car, I'd just had my debit card turned down and taken most of my cash out of savings to rent a car to get to my effin' job that I hate, and he wanted to know how much I could pay him from what's supposed to be my emergency fund. GAAAAAAAAAAAH. You know, I appreciate the fact that he helped me out way more than he had to, often to the point that he put himself in a bind. He didn't have to do that, and I am going to pay him back. But this morning was not the best time to push me on it, when I don't even know how much it will cost to fix my car and I'm taking on a huge house note just to get enough cash out to say I have a savings account, and I wish he could have seen that. Of course, I got wiggy and then he got pissed, saying never mind, it doesn't matter. It does matter, I'm going to pay him back because I don't want this hanging over my head. His timing was just severely off. And honestly, I wish I'd never been in the position of having to ask him for help. I feel like I tried my best to carry us financially while we were married and while he had a job that he liked and that liked him but that unfortunately ran out of work periodically, often for long periods of time, and wouldn't even consider a second job to help out. We ran up a shitload of debt just trying to get by, and I filed bankruptcy to get out from under mine (my debt was a good bit more than his, as I had good credit before I got married and credit card companies were happy to give me enough rope to let me hang myself). I've wrecked my credit to try to clean up the mess that was created while we were married, I did not make that mess by myself, and it chaps me that he's now jumping up and down for me to pay him back when he knows my finances aren't good and after me feeling like I carried a substantial portion of the financial load while we were married. He paid off his debt and didn't destroy his credit. I know I owe him the money, and I'm going to pay it back, but it feels like just another creditor dunning me for money, and I so don't need that right this minute. Now is just not a good time for him to be asking me about paying him back, and it hit me the wrong, wrong, wrong way.

On the bright side, I got a voice mail about the transcription work. :) So I'll call back and see if I can get some good news there. Hopefully the second half of the day won't suck as much as the first half has.

I am so not at work today

Well, today I can keep my positive attitude from home - I went out to the driveway this morning, and my car wouldn't start. I'm pretty sure it's just the battery, and once my battery charger is charged (yeah, what kind of dork am I, to buy a battery charger and not charge it immediately upon getting home), I'll give the car a boost and we'll go get a new battery. This just falls in the category of "it's always something". It's only money, right? *SIGH* I hate having to take off work because I've got so much to do, but it can't be helped. If the car doesn't go, I don't go. J is thrilled that we get to stay home from school. LOL

And if it had to happen, at least it happened at home, after I'd bought a battery charger. I'm not stuck at work. I'm not stuck on the side of I-35 during rush hour. I'm not having to try to find a friend with jumper cables or have my car towed just to get a new battery. I can take care of the problem myself, drive the car to Wal-Mart, and have the new battery put in. So, it could be worse. It is only money, after all.

Getting the financial house in order

I thought my meeting with Katy, the financial advisor, went pretty well. She agrees that my house note is what's killing me (story of my life - "it seemed like a good idea at the time"). So we're going to try to get me out of this one and into a better one, maybe refinance and get some extra cash out for an emergency fund, and once I've got some money freed up from the house payment, start working toward saving for J's college. I like having a plan. Those are my three big things right now: get out from under the beastly house note, set up an emergency fund, and save for J's college (thankfully he's young enough that we still have time to work on that).

I liked her, too. She's very low-key, not pushy, not trying to sell me a bunch of crap (good thing - she saw my finances, she knows I have no extra cash). Very easy to talk to. She offered me a job. She's opening an office in Dallas and needs to put together a team of advisors and support staff. I'm not sure I'd be good at it - if it's a cold-calling, all commission-based kind of thing, I'm pretty sure it's not for me. She assures me there's no lack of clients, and wealth management is supposed to be a growth industry (I've found this out through independent reading, and not just from her). So I'm going to explore the possibility. She knows I have a little one, and that I don't want to be traveling much out of our area. The possibility of working from home, on my schedule, having time for J's activities, and making a decent living doing it thrills my soul. That would be beyond fabulous. So, hi ho, hi ho, exploring I will go! One of my co-workers may also be interested, so she and I came up with a list of questions for Katy. (How funny would that be, if I jumped ship and took someone else with me? LOL) We'll see where it goes! Watch, it will work out, simply because right now I'm not jumping up and down over the idea. And I'd think it would be a fairly portable business, should I ever have reason to move anywhere. I'm just sayin'.

Katy told J she'd bring him a present next time she comes over. Is he spoiled or what? He was very good last night while we talked. He asked me periodically if we were done, and when I said no, he went back to watching TV, playing with his toys and eating dinner. I was proud of him. Such a big boy.

The J funny for the day: He told me he wanted a baby sister and that we should name her Stephanie so he could call her Steve for short. Where he comes up with this stuff, I have NO idea. Steve. I told him not to hold his breath, that a baby sister wasn't something you ran out and picked up at Target!

I e-mailed Brian and told him what J said about a baby sister. Part of his response was, "If you (dare I say "we?") had a girl". Now if that doesn't sound like a man who's thinking about at least the possibility of something long-term, I'll eat my hat. :-) And this is most definitely not a bad thing.

I've got a metric ton of work to do. Better hop to it, I don't want any more complaints.

Oh, the fun just never ends

My weekend was nice. It was just a low-key weekend, which I think I needed. I slept until 10:30 both Saturday and Sunday mornings - I guess I needed the rest!

And now I'm back at work. Which, as we all know, makes me so happy I could just throw up.

I started out my day with a complaint. I got a complaint on an account that's not even mine, that's one I took a call about from the 800 line (since we're all required to help out with phone duty). THAT'S why I hate phone time. I have enough work to do and get complaints about without adding in the whole "one call, one response" thing that has us taking on whatever work comes out of calls from the 800 number, too. So that was a dandy day-brightener right out of the box.

We're having a team meeting this afternoon regarding the fifth special project we've got going (I think that's right, we've got five special projects). It wasn't supposed to have much of an impact, but it's been revamped and will now have more of an impact on us than was previously anticipated. So the meeting is to discuss what we'll each need to do for this. Yay. This is in addition to the four other special projects, the investment reviews that have to go out and be followed up with phone calls (this could be full-time by itself), and the daily workload that you never can get caught up on. Goody!

And I called to check today - I didn't get the child support position in Fort Worth. For whatever reason, it wasn't meant to work out.

My devotional yesterday was about God answering prayer in unexpected ways. It talked about times where we prayed for one thing and didn't get what we expected, but looking back, we did get exactly what we needed. How this job can be anything I *need* is beyond me, so I can't even see the answering of prayers in unexpected ways. All I see is the answer to my prayers being "no" or at least "not yet", for reasons I can't fathom. I'm glad God knows the reasons for all of this, because I sure don't. And it's hard to keep the faith when you can't see rhyme or reason in it somewhere.

I'm meeting with the financial advisor tonight. Hopefully it will go well.

I've applied online for an assistant city attorney position in Arlington and another writing position with Baylor. There are also two assistant U.S. attorney positions I want to apply for, one in Dallas and one in Fort Worth. I keep on flinging that spaghetti, waiting for the piece that's going to stick.