Thursday, June 30, 2005

My latest would-be addiction

Oh, if only I had more money, I'd be buying tons of this stuff - the fleur-de-lis is my favorite collection, but she's got lots of other beautiful pieces:

Mignon Faget

I love the fleur-de-lis intaglio ring. If I ever had a guy serious enough about me to want to buy me jewelry (not wedding ring type jewelry, just jewelry as a gift), I'd want him to buy me that. I'm not holding my breath, though - I think I'd be better off saving my money and buying it myself, otherwise I might be waiting a loooooooong time!

Well, crap.

I was slammed all day long at work today - it never stopped. We're talking about raises next week. Our manager has said he got a total of 2.5% of our team's combined base salaries to allocate as raises. Being as how the most any of us could get, given that fact, would be a 2.5% raise, and being as how our team leader just got a (well-deserved) promotion (and the money for the pay increase will come out of the amount allocated for raises), I'm thinking it will be slim pickings for the rest of the team as far as raises go. So I'm not expecting a raise - that way I won't be as disappointed if I don't get one.

And I got a rejection e-mail from the job I interviewed for a few weeks ago. :-( That sucks. Oh well, I have that other one coming up soon, so maybe this just clears the way for them to make me a really good offer and me to take it. I hope so, I'd love to have some good news! Either that, or it's just the universe's way of telling me to suck up and make the best of it where I am, I haven't decided which yet.

No family visit this weekend after all - K's dad is having surgery tomorrow afternoon. Just laparoscopic, to remove a kidney stone, but he certainly won't feel like getting in a car for a seven-hour drive afterward. I'm sorry he's having to have the surgery, but I'm kind of glad not to have extra people in the house for three days. So J will stay with his dad this weekend, as per the regular schedule, and I'll have some time to myself. I think I need it. I just want to be alone, maybe read a book or play the piano, or even just take a nap. I need some time to myself to recharge.

And right now, I think I'll go have a bubble bath. No e-mails I really need to answer, nothing I particularly *need* to do on the computer, and J's toys are all put away. I could do another load of wash (I swear, the laundry multiplies like rabbits when I'm not looking, I never seem to get it all done!), or finish cleaning the kitchen. Nah, a bubble bath sounds like more fun.

The cost of convenience

I paid my house note online. I'd talked to the mortgage company, found out that was available. Hooray, convenience, and I can pay the day before it's due instead of having to allow time for the mail to get there. Well, I went through the process of registering and all, and got ready to make my payment. They neglected to tell me there's a $9.95 fee for the convenience of using the online payment service. That sucks. Like they aren't getting enough money from me already on interest.

What a day

Wow, it's been busy today. I had a committee meeting at 9:00, training from 10:00 to 12:00 (and I get to do that every Tuesday and Thursday from now until August 9 - oh, joy), a team meeting at 1:00, and then we had a promotion celebration at 2:00. We make a big deal of promotions here - we have a little announcement ceremony, with the manager of the promotee reading a little blurb about the person and everyone trying to guess who it is. And we have cake and punch after all the announcing is finished. There were seven promotions handed out today. None of them went to me, but I wasn't expecting that they would. At least the cake was good.

But I ask you - after all that, now it's 2:45, which leaves me exactly 2 hours and 15 minutes to get some real work done. Yep, that makes for a productive day, doesn't it? It's month end, I haven't gotten all my phone calls done, and with only 2 hours and 15 minutes left in the work day, somehow I don't think I'm going to.

I'm feeling pretty tired today. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the new dose of Wellbutrin, or if it's simply due to the fact that I've been staying up stupid late every night. I'm thinking the latter. Really, I don't notice any difference so far on the new dose of Wellbutrin. I'm fairly mellow today, but that's just because I don't have the energy to be otherwise.

Almost Friday, and we get to leave work at 3:00 tomorrow, since it's the day before the long holiday weekend. Woo!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

More fun from the Birthday Calendar site

Found this on the site that gave us the Birthday Calendar (see my previous post), gave it a try, and here's what came out (my birth name is not the name I have now, since I was adopted):

You entered: Jennifer Lynn Schear
There are 18 letters in your name.
Those 18 letters total to 92
There are 5 vowels and 13 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 11

The characteristics of #11 are: High spiritual plane, intuitive, illumination, idealist, a dreamer.

The expression or destiny for #11:
Your Expression number is 11. The number 11 is the first of the master numbers. It is associated with idealistic concepts and rather spiritual issues. Accordingly, it is a number with potentials that are somewhat more difficult to live up to. You have the capacity to be inspirational, and the ability to lead merely by your own example. An inborn inner strength and awareness can make you an excellent teacher, social worker, philosopher, or advisor. No matter what area of work you pursue, you are very aware and sensitive to the highest sense of your environment. Your intuition is very strong; in fact, many psychic people and those involved in occult studies have the number 11 expression. You possess a good mind with keen analytical ability. Because of this you can probably succeed in most lines of work, however, you will do better and be happier outside of the business world. Oddly enough, even here you generally succeed, owing to your often original and unusual approach. Nonetheless, you are more content working with your ideals, rather than dollars and cents.

The positive aspect of the number 11 expression is an always idealistic attitude. Your thinking is long term, and you are able to grasp the far-reaching effects of actions and plans. You are disappointed by the shortsighted views of many of your contemporaries. You are deeply concerned and supportive of art, music, or of beauty in any form.

The negative attitudes associated with the number 11 expression include a continuous sense of nervous tension; you may be too sensitive and temperamental. You tend to dream a lot and may be more of a dreamer than a doer. Fantasy and reality sometimes become intermingled and you are sometimes very impractical. You tend to want to spread the illumination of your knowledge to others irrespective of their desire or need.

Your Soul Urge number is: 8

A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flare for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.

Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.

The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.

Your Inner Dream number is: 4

An Inner Dream number of 4 means:
You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.

Interesting, although I beg to differ with the part that says I'm sometimes very impractical. I think not. And I certainly don't have any great desire to lead - I'd much rather not!

Midnight miscellanea and update on the job front

Found the Birthday Calendar via Extra Strength Surfing Fingers by way of Jules - here's what it said about me:

You entered: 6/8/1968
You were born on a Saturday
under the astrological sign Gemini.
Your Life path number is 11.

The number 11 Life Path has the connotation of illumination describing its general focus. This is the number associated with spiritual awareness. As one of the two master numbers, the 11 yields understanding and knowledge beyond the grasp of others. The attitude toward life of those possessing this Life Path is somewhat extreme; extremely intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic, visionary, and cultured. These extremes make you an interesting, if unusual person, with much to offer society. The Life Path 11 person is deep-thinking, and you are no doubt interested in understanding many of life's mysteries and more intriguing facets. Your inventive mind and broad-minded views will permit you to succeed in life in any number of ventures. You can best serve society, however, in those endeavors utilizing your skills of counseling and guidance. Much of your idealism is people oriented and quite humanitarian in nature. You expect a great deal of yourself and of those to whom you are close.
On the negative side, there is a lot of nervous tension associated with the 11 life path, and you can be a difficult person to deal with because of this. For this reason, relationships, at times, can be difficult. This is a Life Path that seems to feature broad mood swings between the elation and depression. You are likely to have trouble making decisions and getting your life in gear, so to speak. There is a tendency for the 11 to harbor feelings of uneasiness, and dissatisfaction with accomplishments and personal progress in life. Your grandiose schemes usually make sense, but you can get off the track and they can be very impractical. You have a very distinct side that lacks common sense, and you are quite often unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. In this regard, you are perhaps more of a dreamer than a doer. When you do get on target, your ideas seem to have been inspired on high. Perhaps you are not a leader, but you are a visionary and a very talented idea person.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2440015.5.
The golden number for 1968 is 12.
The epact number for 1968 is 0.
The year 1968 was a leap year.

As of 6/29/2005 11:59:51 PM CDT
You are 37 years old.
You are 444 months old.
You are 1,934 weeks old.
You are 13,535 days old.
You are 324,863 hours old.
You are 19,491,839 minutes old.
You are 1,169,510,391 seconds old.

There are 344 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 38 candles on it.

Those 38 candles produce 38 BTU's,
or 9,576 calories of heat (that's only 9.5760 food Calories!).
You can boil 4.34 US ounces of water with that many candles.

Your birthstone is Alexandrite
The Mystical properties of Alexandrite

Alexandrite can assist one in centering the self, reinforcing self-esteem, and augmenting ones ability to experience joy.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewlers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Pearl, Moonstone, Opal

Your birth tree is

Hornbeam, the good taste
Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, tends to egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined life, looks for kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgment, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with her feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

There are 179 days till Christmas 2005!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waxing gibbous.

News on the job front: I'm still in the running for the position I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago, and I have another interview next week! :) This is for a position similar to what I'm doing now, with the benefit of a substantially bigger paycheck. The commute would be a bit farther, but I wouldn't have to pay for parking, so I'd probably still save money on the deal. We're meeting for lunch at a very nice restaurant - K said that's not the kind of place they'd take me if they weren't seriously interested. Let's hope he's right. We'll see, and I'll update as I know more. Y'all keep your fingers crossed!

Miscellaneous thoughts:

*Why do I stay up until at least midnight every night? Surely I'd feel better if I got more than four or five hours of sleep.

*Does it really do me any good to drink fat-free milk if I'm having it with a brownie made with enough butter to float a boat?

*How is it that the Wellbutrin seems to have drastically diminished my interest in anything good for me foodwise, but hasn't affected my fondness for sweets in the slightest?

I should go to bed. As soon as the load of laundry in the dryer is finished, I'll do just that.

What Color Is Your Heart?

What Color Is Your Heart?

Shamelessly pilfered from cassee. :)

My results:

Hell hath no fury....

Have you seen this eBay auction? She must have been pretty pissed.

And a little more to the story:

DJ's wife sold his Lotus for 50p

A controversial radio DJ's wife sold his £25,000 sports car on eBay for just 50p after he flirted with Jodie Marsh on air.

Kerrang 105.2's Tim Shaw told the model he was prepared to leave his wife and their two children for her, reports Metro.

Wife Hayley was listening and immediately posted an advert for the Lotus Esprit Turbo with a 'Buy It Now' option of 50p.

The item description read: "I need to get rid of this car in the next two to three hours before my husband gets home to find it gone and all his belongings in the street."

The car sold within five minutes.

On a previous occasion, the DJ upset Mrs Shaw, 27, when she was pregnant by ringing her sister live on air and saying he thought about her while having sex with his wife.

Mrs Shaw said: "When he said he would leave me and the kids for Jodie Marsh, that was it for me. I am sick of him disrespecting this family for the sake of his act.

"The car is his pride and joy but the idiot put my name on the log book so I just sold it. I didn't care about the money, I just wanted to get him back."

She added: "There is no hope for a reconciliation." A Kerrang 105.2 spokesperson said the DJ was 'absolutely gutted'.


Today is better - yesterday was just one of those wallow-in-the-pity-pit days. J still had a fit at daycare this morning, but it was much easier for me to tell him I'd see him this afternoon and walk away. I wonder why some days it's easier than others to do that?

I did talk to someone this morning about that outside position I'd interviewed for a couple of weeks ago. No decision has been made yet, and I'm still in the running. :) The woman I talked to said she hoped to know something by the end of this week, that she'd call me, and that I should call her if I hadn't heard anything. So y'all keep your fingers crossed, pray hard, send good energies, whatever your particular mode of well-wishing is - I'd appreciate it!

Let's see, what else is going on in Lisa-land? Work, boy, commute, eat, sleep, and that's about it. The glamorous life of a single woman, huh? LOL

Tomorrow I'm supposed to increase my daily dose of Wellbutrin from 150 mg to 300 mg per my doctor. I already find that my appetite has decreased a good bit on the 150 mg (I didn't know this, but bupropion is actually being tested as a weight-loss medication due to that side effect). On the 300 mg, I may just forget to eat altogether! LOL No, I like to eat too much to ever completely forget to eat. But wouldn't it be nice if I could be less stressed and lose a few pounds along the way?

I'd better work. More later!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Making things happen

Here's my horoscope for today:

As loving Venus and mental Mercury enter your 3rd House of Communication, you are surely comfortable, even if it's too noisy to relax. Who wants peace and quiet anyhow with so many exciting things to do. You are at the beginning of a major cycle of manifestation. Speak or write your intentions as clearly as you can -- and then get started on making it happen.

Well! I guess I'd better start talking about and writing about what I intend to do and what I want out of life, hadn't I? Must ponder on that...back later....

Does it ever get easier?

This morning sucks ass. J woke up not wanting to go to school, he wanted to play. I did get him dressed and out the door without too much fuss, but he started on the way to school - he didn't want to go that way, he wanted to go the other way, he wanted to go home, he wanted mama. :-( He seemed to be OK by the time we actually got to school, though (well, with the exception of wanting various of his Fisher Price Little People, which we weren't going back home for). But when it came time for me to leave, he started fussing and getting upset. I talked to him, let him hang onto my leg, and I think in a couple of minutes he would have let go and gone on by himself and been OK. But one of his teachers, meaning well, saw that he wasn't inclined to let go and picked him up and walked off with him. Well, he just blew a fuse over that, and I left daycare with the sound of my son screaming for mama ringing in my ears. I cried. I called after I got to work, and he was fine - he'd settled down right after I left. I'm glad he's OK, and I knew he would be. But that doesn't take away the hurt I feel for having left him there screaming. It would suck to leave him for a job that paid me fabulously well and for one where I felt like my work was making a difference on some level. How much more does it suck to come to a job I'll probably never be passionate about and where, barring some weird turns in my career path, I'll never feel like I'm paid what my law degree is worth? I hate it. My heart hurts, and I'm stuck here for another eight hours.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Is it Friday yet?!

What?! It's only Monday? Oh, say it isn't so.

Big, busy weekend! First off, I did get to go out with T on Friday after all. :-) The timing of having the new A/C put in worked out to where I wasn't busy with that late in the day, so we went ahead and went out to dinner. Much fun!

Second, J went to Little Gym on Saturday. There's one close to the house, and a friend of mine takes her little girl, who's about J's age. She suggested we try the free class. So we did. J was excited - right up until just about time to go to class! Then he started: "Mama, I want to go bye-bye, Mama, I want to go to Target!" (Little Gym is in the same shopping center as Target, which he loves.) We went ahead and went into the gym for class, and he pretty much screamed and hung on to me for the first 15 minutes or so. Then he looked around, realized, "hey, there are things to jump on and climb on and run with in here!", and that was it. :-) He said he wanted to come back and play every week, so we went ahead and signed up for the rest of the summer. We're also going to have his birthday party there, which will save me the hassle of preparing for and entertaining and cleaning up after a horde of 3-year-olds - all I have to do is send invitations, bring cake and show up! I'm glad he liked it - I knew he would if he'd just give it a chance.

And yesterday we went to a birthday party. My co-worker's son was turning 2, and she'd invited us to go. Her older son is 4, and I figured it can't hurt for J to make new friends. So we drove up there (about an hour one way - yuck), and as is his usual routine with new places, J started out wanting to go home. He got a little more interested when he saw that there were presents (although he was most chagrined to find out they weren't for him to open! LOL), and he had a good time playing outside and eating cake (although I almost didn't think I'd get him in from outside, even for cake!) And once he saw that the 4-year-old's room was pretty much all Wiggles and trucks, that was it, he was ready to just move in. LOLOL He had fun - so much so that he didn't want to leave, and pitched a howling fit when I told him it was time to go home. By that point, he was oversugared, overstimulated and just worn out, and he bid everyone farewell by screaming, "I don't wanna leave, I wanna watch a mooooooooovie!" as we left. (Star Wars was on the big screen TV, and between that and the Wiggles, he was just enthralled.) *SIGH* 40+ pounds of boy is a lot to pack down the stairs and out to the car (and no easy task when said 40+ pounds is unhappy, kicking and screaming, and just about as tall as his mama), and today my back is hurting. Ow. Again, though, I'm glad he had fun and was able to warm up to new surroundings, even if he did go nuclear right there at the end.

Today: J was very "I don't want to" right from the start. He woke up happy this morning. I told him it was time to get ready for school. "I don't want to go to school, I want to go to Target." Target's closed, time to get dressed. So we got dressed and finally headed out the door - he'd settled on milk before we got in the car, and as I was buckling him into his car seat (accompanied by whines of "I don't want to get in my seat!"), he suddenly decided he wanted tea (Crystal Light). So I got tea, and off we went. As soon as we got to the parking lot at daycare: "I want milk." God save me from the fickle nature of small boys. He threw a fit wanting milk, and said he didn't want to get out of his seat, didn't want milk inside, and on and on. I was running late anyway, so this wasn't helping the overall mood. (Wellbutrin is my friend, Wellbutrin is my friend....) Finally got him out, and he was fine for a bit. Then, just as I thought he was going to run off happily to watch TV before going to class, he superglued himself to my leg and started wailing. *SIGH* After several minutes of this, he was distracted by the computers and ran off to play. But geez, what a morning. And this was before I even left town!

So I was late to work, and found a million things waiting on my desk when I got here. Ugh. Calgon, take me away!

On the bright side, the new A/C works great. Maybe my electric bill will go down with a more energy-efficient unit in there.

Friday, June 24, 2005

What a night

I went home yesterday to let the A/C repairman in. He checked the unit out, and told me the fan motor needed a new bearing, and the capacitor was shot. Total cost to repair: about $500. The unit is 10 years old, and he said it's a lower-end model that builders often use to cut building costs (and this is the one that was put in when the house was built in 1995). So I could have had it repaired, but might have been looking at a new unit pretty soon anyway. Given all the considerations, I opted for a new unit. The repairman said he could fix it temporarily so we'd have air for the night until they could put a new unit in today. Well, as he was trying to fix it temporarily, something else crapped out - it's a heat pump, and the switch that changes it from "heat" to "cool" was stuck on "heat", meaning it was blowing hot air. Not good!!!! So it was good that I'd already decided on a new unit, because this would have been something else that would have added to the repair cost. They'll be out this afternoon/evening, and I should have cool air tonight. I wasn't planning on spending this much money. But at least now I do have it to spend (a year ago, I wouldn't have), and hey, it's only money. Air conditioning isn't exactly optional equipment in a Texas summer.

So last night we ended up staying with K in the bitty house (as J calls it). It was far too hot to stay at my house, even with ceiling fans - the temp was showing to be about 90 when we left last night, and was still over 80 this morning when I went home to get dressed for work. I'm glad K and I get along well enough that we can help each other out in crises, and that we can stay under the same roof without it being a real nightmare. It was so nice to have air conditioning! J kept saying, "Turn that (the A/C) on, mama, I like the cold!" LOL It was a pretty calm night. J started hollering about a monster after everyone had settled for the night - he saw the light of the smoke alarm on the ceiling and said it was a monster, he wanted it taken away. K and I explained to him that it wasn't a monster, it was there to help and to keep the house safe, and that it was part of the house, like the fan was at the big house (my house). He was OK with it after that, and by this morning, it had transmogrified itself into a ghost and he'd made friends with it. This morning, I got, "Mama, that ghost like me!" I told him I was so glad he'd made his peace with it, that it was really a very friendly ghost. LOL He also woke up at about 4 AM, asking, "Where are you, Mama?" So I got up and talked to him, and he wanted me to lay down by him, so I laid down on his little bed until he was asleep. Then I laid back down and slept a bit more myself. All things considered, not a terrible night - not as bad as it would have been staying in my hot house, that's for sure.

This morning was pretty crazy. I got J dressed at K's house, and then we went back to my house so I could get dressed. J was a little bit off kilter at the change in routine - he wanted to stay at the bitty house, and then he didn't want to get out of the car at school. Once we got inside, though, he was fine. I was just horribly late to work, since I still had to stop for gas after I dropped him off. AACK.

All I have to say is, hooray for Wellbutrin. I know everything I've read says it doesn't really take effect until after you've taken it for a week or two, but I swear it's made a difference in my stress level already. Last night I took the news about the need for a new heat pump (and the cost) pretty well in stride - a week ago I'd have been grinding my teeth and learning new swear words. The change in routine, the vexation of dealing with a cranky 3-year-old - didn't get me nearly as uptight as it once did. I didn't realize how wiggy I got about things until I suddenly noticed myself being less wiggy. I haven't bothered to check my blood pressure yet, I figured I'd wait a few days on that. But my stress level seems to be better, which can only be a good thing, right? :) The down side is, you aren't supposed to drink much while taking it. But I'm not a big drinker anyway, so that shouldn't be a big deal.

Now I'm at work, just waiting to hear from the A/C guys as to when they've got the new heat pump. Then we'll figure out what time they'll come put it in. Can't say as I'm *happy* about writing a $2200 check, but the cool air will be most welcome. And now I'll have warranty and stuff - if anything goes out the first year, it's free, so that's a nice reassurance to have.

The down side is, this means no evening out with T. :-( I'm really bummed about that, I was looking forward to seeing him again. I think I was more upset about having to change my plans than I was about the cost of the new heat pump! Logically I know taking care of my house (and making sure it's a nice place for my son) comes first, and I know there will be other evenings out and that plans can be rescheduled. But dammit, I wanted to go out tonight! Pout, sulk, whine. I think I'm most bothered by it because T works the rest of this weekend, so no other opportunities there, and I'll have J this weekend and next, since family is coming for the 4th of July weekend (and since family is coming, I can't bail on them and go out). That means there won't be a chance to reschedule until two weeks from now, and that's disappointing. Logically I know it's not the end of the world, but I'm still bummed - logic isn't the controlling factor here. Oh well, this will just give T a chance to look forward more to seeing me, right? ;-)

OK, I guess I'd better get some work done while I'm here!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Does anyone else find this disturbing?

The Supreme Court has just dealt a major blow to private property rights, if you ask me. Hmm, let's just make it to where all the property belongs to the government - oh, wait, hasn't someone already tried that?

High court OKs personal property seizures
Majority: Local officials know how best to help cities

Thursday, June 23, 2005; Posted: 10:50 a.m. EDT (14:50 GMT)

WASHINGTON (AP) -- -- The Supreme Court on Thursday ruled that local governments may seize people's homes and businesses -- even against their will -- for private economic development.

It was a decision fraught with huge implications for a country with many areas, particularly the rapidly growing urban and suburban areas, facing countervailing pressures of development and property ownership rights.

The 5-4 ruling represented a defeat for some Connecticut residents whose homes are slated for destruction to make room for an office complex. They argued that cities have no right to take their land except for projects with a clear public use, such as roads or schools, or to revitalize blighted areas.

As a result, cities have wide power to bulldoze residences for projects such as shopping malls and hotel complexes to generate tax revenue.

Local officials, not federal judges, know best in deciding whether a development project will benefit the community, justices said.

"The city has carefully formulated an economic development that it believes will provide appreciable benefits to the community, including -- but by no means limited to -- new jobs and increased tax revenue," Justice John Paul Stevens wrote for the majority.

He was joined by Justice Anthony Kennedy, David H. Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen G. Breyer.

At issue was the scope of the Fifth Amendment, which allows governments to take private property through eminent domain if the land is for "public use."

Susette Kelo and several other homeowners in a working-class neighborhood in New London, Connecticut, filed suit after city officials announced plans to raze their homes for a riverfront hotel, health club and offices.

New London officials countered that the private development plans served a public purpose of boosting economic growth that outweighed the homeowners' property rights, even if the area wasn't blighted.

Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who has been a key swing vote on many cases before the court, issued a stinging dissent. She argued that cities should not have unlimited authority to uproot families, even if they are provided compensation, simply to accommodate wealthy developers.

The lower courts had been divided on the issue, with many allowing a taking only if it eliminates blight.

"Any property may now be taken for the benefit of another private party, but the fallout from this decision will not be random," O'Connor wrote. "The beneficiaries are likely to be those citizens with disproportionate influence and power in the political process, including large corporations and development firms."

She was joined in her opinion by Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist, as well as Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.

Copyright 2005 The Associated Press.

Thursday morning

I'm better than I was last night. Last night was one of those wallowing-in-my-misery moments. I know they'll come, but hopefully not too often - I really don't like my own company much when I'm in a mood like that.

The A/C guy will be at my house after 4:30 today. So I'm leaving work early, around 3:30, to be there to let him in. I don't think my team lead is happy about me asking to leave early, but it's June in Texas - air conditioning is really not optional when it's still above 80 degrees at midnight. (Note to self: get new air filters, the old ones probably need changing.) And being in the heat probably doesn't do much good for me getting over this crud.

On that note - I do feel better than I have in a while. But now I have this persistent cough that just won't stop! Feels like I'm about to cough up a lung. Maybe that's a good sign, though, if I'm coughing stuff up rather than having it go the other way. It's only my second day of the Omnicef, I'll try to be patient.

Looks like I may have a date tomorrow night - T asked about going out for a belated birthday dinner, and K has graciously agreed to stay with J for me. :) I need to find a babysitter - I know K doesn't mind extra time with J, but I can't expect him to cover for me long-term on his free weekends - that wouldn't be fair to him. But I do appreciate him doing it this time, and he knows I'd return the favor if the need arises. I'm glad we get along well enough that we can do things like that for each other. I know there are, and will be, moments where we drive each other nuts and think, "this is why I don't want to be married to you anymore!" or something along those lines. But I'm thankful that, barring some *real* weirdness (which, given all that's happened, I can't envision what that weirdness could be), we'll always be friends.

I started the Wellbutrin this morning. We'll see if it has any effect on my stress level, and then on my blood pressure as well. I don't feel any different, but then, it does take a couple of weeks to really kick in.

I'm tired. Being up for half an hour in the middle of the night is just yucky. Oh, the house did cool down some after that, although the air conditioner still wasn't cooling things off to where it should have been. But it made it a little easier to sleep, when I actually got to sleep.

Now I'd better work - lots to do, and I'm leaving early!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


Why is my son awake at 1 AM, wanting milk? Why is it hotter than south hell in my house? I turned the A/C off when I went to bed. I just turned it on again. Wish me luck in getting it to at least cool down enough for us to sleep the rest of the night, such as it is.

And the freak show continues...

Another goodie on one of my meet-and-greet boards: A guy sends me a message, subject line asks if I like poems. The message is - you guessed it, a poem. The poem is one he's apparently written - whether just for me or something he had in his collection of writings, I don't know. It wasn't terrible. But what really stands out is that it mentions moonlight and nudity, and that seems a bit forward coming from someone I don't know from Adam and have never communicated with before. Who knows, maybe this is perfectly normal, and I'm the freak for finding it odd.

Taking stock

I'm in a mood tonight. A funk, a tailspin, a little black cloud state of mind. Whatever you call it, it ain't pretty.

Life sucks ass most days. I'm 37 - I'm not young anymore, and I've probably wasted a lot of time that I could have made better use of. I'm single, I'm opinionated, I'm too independent and stubborn for my own good, I'm nowhere near the societal norm of beauty (although when I'm not in a mood I think that's probably a good thing, if I could just tone up and shrink my disproportionately large butt a little), I'm short on patience, I'm sarcastic.... I could list my flaws for the better part of the night, if I sat here and thought about it.

My job. Feh. I'd like to know, why did I bother to get a law degree if I don't have sense enough to seek out a position that pays me what it's worth? Hell will freeze before I get a raise at this job. I have a co-worker who's knocked herself out for over a year, working overtime and weekends trying to get ahead - no raise, no bonus in two years. I don't know for sure why she hasn't gotten a raise or bonus. Maybe there's something about her job performance I don't know. Maybe there's something about her I don't know. All I know is, it doesn't seem right for someone to work that hard and not get any reward for doing it (and she's not an attorney, so I'd be willing to bet her paycheck is less than mine). She's got a family she could be spending time with, but she sacrifices that, and sacrifices her own well-being, to try to get ahead at work. So if she's not getting raises or bonuses, it's a pretty good bet that I won't, either - I'm not about to give up my nights and weekends and what little time I do have with J. And I don't think this job pays what a law degree is really worth. Granted, it's not practicing law, but the degree should be worth something. And as far as finances go, I don't want a better paying job just for the sake of the money. All I want to do is have enough to comfortably take care of my son and provide for him and his future, and maybe think a little bit about my retirement, so they don't drag my cold dead body from my cubicle when I drop in my tracks, still working to put food on my table at age 87.

And along the lines of money - it's always something. My A/C is on the blink. Yeah, in June, in Texas. Whoop-de-fuckin'-doo. It's currently about 83 degrees in my house, and it feels like south Hades. By some miracle my son has finally managed to go on to sleep. Thank God for ceiling fans, or it really would be nasty. What did we do before air conditioning? So there's money I'll have to shell out - may be a little, may be a lot, but it's still money I wasn't planning to spend.

Every day I get up and do the same stuff - get dressed, get J dressed, drop him off at school, go to work, slog away for eight or nine hours, come home, dinner, bath, bed (hopefully before 10:00), a little time for me, try to keep up with the neverending tide of laundry and dirty dishes and general clutter with varying degrees of success. I pick up the same toys every night, only to have them strewn about the next day. J is starting to help, but hasn't fully grasped that once we put the toys away, they stay away. I load and unload and reload the dishwasher. I do the wash. It gets dirty again. No one notices but me. No one appreciates that I do it - J isn't old enough to really realize yet that these things benefit him, and me telling myself "thank you" just doesn't seem to mean much. No one sees the house. Why do I try? Why do I care? I used to get really upset that I couldn't keep house like my mother - this was when I first got married. Her house was always immaculate, and it bothered me that as a newly married wife I couldn't do what she did - my house generally looked pretty lived in, and this was before there was any thought of a child, it was just me and K. I realize now that, even though she stayed home after they adopted me, she never stopped - she worked all day, every day to keep the house looking that good, keep up with the laundry and the dishes and the mess and the three hot meals a day (well, two, I fixed my own breakfast, but still). And she never stopped. I know why now - if she'd have sat down, she wouldn't have gotten back up to keep going! If she could barely do it all as a full-time wife and mother, how am I ever supposed to do it as a working single mother? I need a maid. No, scratch that, I need a wife.

And tonight it struck me how much of my time with J is spent rushing him to get dressed, encouraging/pushing him to go to bed/take a bath/brush his teeth, and how very little time we generally have during the week just to do fun things and enjoy spending time together. In the mornings, it's get up, rush rush rush, gotta get out the door. Getting up earlier isn't much of an option - I guess it could be done, but it would be difficult. In the evenings, it's let J play/watch TV while I fix dinner/clean the kitchen/do the laundry/insert chore here. Then we might play for a little bit, and then it's time for a bath. If he's feeling horsey about bath and bedtime, the next hour or two may be spent wrangling a reluctant screaming boy into the tub, and then trying to convince him to stay in bed and be still for long enough to realize he really is sleepy. I hate that I get vexed and frustrated for such a big chunk of my time with him - I don't want him to think that means that somehow I love him less, because that's not the case at all. I just find it vexing in the extreme when he's rubbing his eyes, asking to turn out the light and go to bed, and yet he keeps fighting and fighting to stay awake (not even do anything fun, just stay awake) for just a few minutes more. I wish I had more time to spend with him that was fun time, family time, learning time, playing time. But I don't, and it sucks. And weekend time is split with K. Not that I mind having time to myself - I don't, and I'm sure I'll come to treasure it, and I know taking care of myself makes me a better mother to J. It just sucks, that's all. It sucks that my marriage has to fall apart for me to really get time to myself.

I think I've wallowed in the pity pit long enough for one night. Time to crank up the fan in my room and try to sleep. Perhaps that Wellbutrin will help me with my mood as well as with my blood pressure after all....

This week's exercise in free association

From Unconscious Mutterings:

  1. Domesticated:: Tame
  2. Cask:: Amontillado
  3. Wayne:: Newton
  4. Insidious:: Sneaky
  5. Cool!:: Groovy!
  6. Dishwasher:: Mom
  7. Little house:: on the Prairie
  8. Stepford:: Wives
  9. Hung:: Up
  10. Falling:: Down

This morning's doctor visit

Went to the doc today - I'm on Omnicef this time, instead of Augmentin. Only one pill to take each day, instead of four - woo hoo! My blood pressure was up - big surprise there, especially since J was very "no" this morning and chose today, the day I needed to be at the doctor's office at a specific time, to be clingy at daycare. He eventually went off just fine, but it took him a little longer than usual this morning. I jokingly told my doc I thought she should let me try some Valium first, since I figured my blood pressure issues were about 90% due to stress. She said she didn't think Valium would be the best idea, but suggested that I try one of the anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicines first, to see if that helped. So she's started me on Wellbutrin, and wants to see me in about six weeks to see how I'm doing.

Here's some of the cons I've found re: Wellbutrin: can cause insomnia. And some other stuff, too, like the fact that it can cause seizures, but I don't have a history and I'm not on any other medications that might interact negatively with it.

Some of the pros: can cause loss of appetite and weight loss (I read on one site that it's actually being tested as a weight-loss medication!), can cause increased sex drive (but that's only good if I have someone around to share it with! LOL).

So we'll see if it helps me get a grip on my blood pressure. Hopefully it will.

I've got to work - tons to do, and I got in late because of my appointment. More later!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Not this time

Just found out I didn't get the internal position I interviewed for. So the 3-part interview process has ended up being nothing but a learning process for me. That's OK, though - a friend of mine got the job, and frankly, she'll probably be better at it than I would have been. So it's not a big deal.

I feel like absolute flaming crap. I would like nothing more than to go home and sleep for 12 blissful uninterrupted hours. I know that won't happen, though, so the next best thing might be a heavy dose of nighttime cold medicine and maybe a good six hours of sleep. Hey, I'll take what I can get.

The sinus infection that wouldn't die....

Yep, it's back. I feel like absolute hammered shit. I don't care what they say, over the counter "non-drowsy" medicine does too make you drowsy. I feel like I could just crawl under my desk and sleep on the hard, unforgiving floor, I'm that tired. I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow morning - I'm like, give me a shot, give me IV antibiotics, I don't care, just make it STOP. I'm tired of being sick over and over and over. This is very out of character for me, and I don't like it!!!!

And of course today can't be a nice quiet day at work - no, there's shit flying everywhere. Write this letter, approve this transaction, return these thirteen phone calls, stand on your head and write a sonnet at the same time. I could SCREAM. The phone calls should be a treat - always fun to talk when my throat hurts like many bad words and I sound like a cartoon character when I talk.

I'm also wondering how children survive to be school-age. J was all about "no" and "I don't want to" when he woke up this morning. "I don't want to go to school, I want to go to Target." "I don't want those pants!" "I don't want to change!" "I don't want to put my shoes on, I want to watch TV!" I was just about down to my last nerve. Thankfully, daycare drop-off went great - we put his things in his class, and then he ran off happily to watch Dragon Tales before going to class, after being reminded to give mama a hug and kiss. :) Thank goodness for that - if drop-off had been all about "no" and "I don't want", I think I'd have just burst into flame.

I'd better try to work. So nap....

Monday, June 20, 2005

All done!

I'm finished with my presentation. It went OK, I think. I probably talked a bit too fast, I always do. But I hit the high points I needed to hit, had a question I could actually answer, and I don't think I made a complete boob of myself. They're hoping to fill the position by the end of June, and I know just about everyone involved in the decision process is getting ready for and attending a managers' meeting the rest of this week. So I don't expect to hear anything until next week at the earliest. We'll see what happens!

Now I'm off to grab some lunch before I have to leave to fetch the monkey boy for a fun doctor visit. More later!

Well, doesn't this sound like fun?!

Today's online fortune cookie:

"The fun side of a relationship begins to unfold."

Well! Bring it on, I say - time for some fun. :) (And boy, if you add "in bed" to this one, it really could get interesting! LOLOLOLOL)

Only about 15 minutes until my presentation. Aack. I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Will update after I'm done....

1 1/2 hours and counting...

until the last part of my interview for the position here where I work. I just want it to be over with. The worst that can happen is that I embarrass myself, and I've done that plenty of times and survived. A friend of mine is also applying for it, so we've talked a bit - we have some of the same questions regarding the process, and we've decided that if we both do the same things, then we'll be OK! LOL She's a good friend, and it's good that we can talk about it. And if she were to get it instead of me, I'd be glad for her. But right now, I just wish it was 11:30 so I could be finished. Please tell me I can talk for 10-15 minutes and not make a complete ass of myself....

J woke up hollering this morning. When I went to get him out of bed, I told him it was time to get ready for school. He looked at me and cried, "No, it's not time to go to school, school is closed!" Of course, once I got him dressed and out the door, he was quite excited at the prospect of school - "I'm going to watch a movie, it might be Wilbur (from Charlotte's Web) - let's go find out!" LOL And he ran off with barely a backward glance, so it ended up being fine. He's pretty congested, so I'm going to see if I can get him in to see his doctor today. If it disrupts his sleep, that's bad enough to warrant a trip to the doctor's office.

OK, just called - J's doc can see him at 2:30. Hopefully she can help him feel better. Bless his heart, he's just like me - once he snots up, no over-the-counter meds will touch it.

I'd better get to work - lots to do, and I still need/want to go over my presentation stuff. AACK.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

The freaks come out at night

I must put out some kind of "weirdos, please write to me" vibe. Just this weekend, I've gotten 1) a message from a guy in Connecticut who said he's never been to Texas but would love to come when I invite him (hmm, just a bit presumptuous, aren't we?), 2) not one but two "collect calls" on one board (where the sender doesn't pay for the message, but the receiver does, if they accept), from the same guy (two is pushy, and if I'm not interesting enough for you to spend your nickel on, well, then, I'm not interesting enough), 3) a message from a guy who said, "Call me when you've been single for two years - you wouldn't want to make the same mistake again, would you?" (And what mistake would that be?), and 4) a message from a guy in Canada, with just a subject line - all it said was, "Angels have wings - love and light." ???? I keep hearing that Whodini song in my head, "The freaks come out at night." They certainly do, at least on the meet-and-greet sites!

The weekend really went pretty well, as far as I'm concerned. Sure, J was ready to come home today, but he didn't have the flaming meltdowns over me not being there that I'd feared. And K might have called a couple of times, but he never asked for help or asked to bring Julian home early. I know K will feel a lot better, though, when he can buy a little house and J can have his own room. But it went well, all told, and as we continue to stick to a more regular routine, it will get better, I think.

Today we all went out to lunch for Father's Day - Pappadeaux, yummy! (Yes, my soon-to-be-ex and I still get along well enough that we can sit at a table and eat a meal without stabbing each other with the silverware. I, for one, am glad of it.) J was just as good as he could be - he didn't even need a booster chair or high chair, just sat in a regular chair like the big boy he is. :) I had to laugh when I saw another little boy pretty close to J's age in the floor, trying to stand on his head. Of course his mother grabbed him up and put him in her lap, and he just hollered and threw a fit. At the time, J had a fork and was trying to scoop pieces of ice out of K's glass - he'd get one out, say "that's too big!" (meaning it was too big for him to put in his mouth - I told him we don't eat big pieces of ice) and put it back. A bit messy, sure, but I figured it was way better than the kid trying to do gymnastics in the floor. LOL

And tonight wasn't bad. J was tired. I had the light out just before 9:00. He asked for tea once - got some tea, his eyes were rolling back in his head. Then he was crying - he wanted me to wipe his nose and asked for tea again. I kissed him and told him to lay down, I'd be right back. By the time I got the Crystal Light mixed up and came back to his room, he was snoring. :) Sweet boy, he's had a big weekend!

T called today. :) He apologized for having been out of pocket for a bit. He was on his way to work, so we didn't get to talk too long, maybe about 10 minutes. He had his boys this weekend, so they got to do some fun things. He said he knows I have J next weekend, but maybe we can plan to go out for a belated birthday dinner. I'm glad he called. :)

I have my presentation tomorrow. Yikes. I'm just a little bit nervous. Hopefully it will go OK, and hopefully the 10-15 minutes I'm supposed to talk will pass mercifully quickly. If the outside job would be offered to me later this year, then I don't want to be offered this internal job. But I still don't want to make a total ass out of myself. Better that the higher-ups don't know my name than that they know me as "that girl who sounded like an absolute idiot in her interview." 11:00, wish me luck! :)

Saturday, June 18, 2005

So far, so good

Apparently J's weekend with K is going fairly well. I hope K can get out with J, even if it's just going out on the little porch to play instead of staying inside. If they try to stay inside all weekend, they'll both be pretty miserable. And I know he'll get more used to packing J up by himself and going somewhere, I just hate to think of them spending all day in the apartment. K said he didn't get much sleep last night, he kept waking up to check on J. I think he'll be very, very glad when he can get a little house and J can have his own room! J fell off his little bed (an Aero bed on the floor), but it must not have bothered him - K said he thinks J slept most of the night in the floor, snoring away. Anyway, I'm glad it's going OK. I just hope they'll be able to get out and about a tiny bit, it will do them both good.

I'm doing OK on my own. I cleaned up a bit last night, goofed on the computer, played the piano as loudly as I wanted to, and wasn't nearly as depressed about being by myself as I expected. I did turn off the baby monitor - it tends to sound like he's in his room even when he isn't, and I didn't see any need for that. But today I'm going shopping with one girlfriend (who should be here just any minute), and tonight I'm going out to dinner with another girlfriend, and in the in-between times, I'm going to work on my presentation for Monday.

And J will be home tomorrow! :)

Friday, June 17, 2005

The neverending day....

The morning flew by. Got here at 10, we left for lunch around 11:15. But the afternoon has d-r-a-g-g-e-d on, and I'm still here for another 2 hours. Even a peppermint mocha with an extra shot of espresso isn't helping, I'm still dragging ass. You know, on my big Friday night to myself, I may be in bed asleep by 9:00! LOL I just hope phone time is quiet. I am *not* in a real good frame of mind for having to be polite and helpful to people. I'd most like to take a nap.

Just a quick note

Today is my late day at work, so I don't have to be in until 10:00. Thought I'd dash off a quick note here before I headed out for a stop at Starbucks and hopefully a better-than-usual drive to the office.

K and I are working toward a more regular alternating-weekend schedule with J. That will be off a bit because of the 4th of July holiday, when family will probably be here - we'll have to adjust a bit around that - but we're shooting for J spending one weekend with me, the next with K. Last night I was packing up some of J's things to take to his dad's house, and I thought, "You know, this sucks ass." Not that K and I are splitting up - OK, there's some wistfulness over that, but I think I've had plenty of time to grieve over the end of my marriage, and I think it's best for us. No, what sucks ass is time away from my baby boy. Yes, I know the break will do me good, yes, I know I *need* some time to myself occasionally, and yes, I know it will make me appreciate J that much more when he's back home. I just hate sending him away - even though it's to go spend time with his dad, even though it's only just for a couple of days. I'm sure there will be times when he's a teenager and just driving me up the wall that I'll gladly send him to see his father, and tell him to stay longer than two days, but right now it's hard. Blech.

Weekend plans include: shopping with one of my girlfriends on Saturday morning, dinner with another of my girlfriends on Saturday evening, and hopefully lots of very productive work on my presentation for Monday. I've also got National Treasure sitting here on DVD - I might watch it tonight. Wow, an actual movie for me on my TV, and something that's not animated - what a concept! LOL

So anyway, if I get on here and whine and cry and act all pitiful this weekend, just know that I'm missing my baby boy. But I know the time will fly by, and he'll be back home before I know it. :)

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I'm up...

11:00 Monday. That's when I give my presentation. YIKES. It's only got to be about 10-15 minutes - please tell me I can do this!!!!


Just found out, it looks like I'll make it to the third phase of the interview for the position here at work. I was just told to be ready to do a presentation early next week. EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Guess I know how I'll be spending my weekend!

A good day so far!

It's been a decent day so far.

I had my quarterly review with my manager (which I forgot about until I got to work this morning). It went OK - I don't suck. :) I'm not the best on the team, but I don't suck. No idea if I'll get a raise or not, it wasn't mentioned. I'm not expecting one, so if I do get one, it will just be a pleasant surprise.

I talked to a client who was just glowing in his praise of the work I've done with the family since his aunt passed away. He said they really appreciated the help, and that I've made a hard time easier for them. Wow. Every once in a while, maybe I really do make a difference with what I do here. You hear the complainers and whiners so often, it's really a refreshing change to hear someone telling you what a good job you've done for them. :)

And today was ice cream day! One of the groups that works here in this building was having an ice cream sale - Ben & Jerry's for $2, with the proceeds going to benefit cystic fibrosis. Now how could I pass up something called Chocolate Therapy, and for only $2? And a day with chocolate ice cream just can't be bad.

If I could only figure out some way to get my son to sleep before 9:30, the day would be darned near perfect. I've just about given up on that, though. I don't think he needs a ton of sleep, and it's pretty pointless to try to force him to sleep earlier than he's inclined to go to sleep on his own. That just results in frustration for me and for him.

And he's taken to having the old rotary phone in the bed with him when he's settling down. Here's an example of the conversations he has as he's lying in bed:

"Hello, Charlie Brown? This is J---. Do you want to talk to mama? OK, bye."

And another:

"Hello, Annie-dog. You say woof woof. Bye!"

He just cracks me up. :)

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Walking a fine line

I'm trying to balance being perceived as pushy vs. the need to stand up for myself/to know what's going on. I think I've mentioned T before. We talked quite a lot by e-mail, went to lunch, and then went out a couple of weeks ago. I thought we were getting along quite well. But since the evening out, it seems that I haven't heard from him as much. My logical, practical side thinks that this could be for any number of reasons, all of which have nothing to do with me. I know he's got things going on in his life, any one of which might make a person feel the need to keep his own counsel for a bit, and it's not like we're serious or at a point where either of us should expect any particular level of communication. I try to remind myself of these things. But when I look back at it, it feels like before the date, more of an effort was made to keep in touch, and that's really tapered off recently. There again, there could be a perfectly logical explanation having nothing to do with how interested T may or may not be in me. But the little part of the old me that's left, the insecure, uncertain, shy part that fully expects that no guy will ever really be interested in her and fully expects things to crap out just when they seem to be going well, is rearing her little whiny head. That little remnant of the old me is just convinced that T has lost interest, flaked out on me like a couple of guys have done (most recently, C) and just buggered off. He doesn't strike me as the kind of person who'd just disappear without so much as a fare-thee-well, which makes me think he's just got things going on that take priority. But still - that little nervous, insecure voice is there, and no amount of chocolate seems to shut her up completely. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. Not a lot of time, really, in the grand scheme of things, and there have been times in the past that a few days have lapsed between e-mails. This just feels different, though, and although I'm trying not to let it get to me, it's challenging. I've sent a couple of casual e-mails, and now I'm just going to keep quiet. But I'm contemplating, if I haven't heard anything by Saturday (which would make it a week since I'd last heard anything), sending an e-mail expressing a bit of what I've written here. I just wonder, though - will that come off as too pushy, or as too clingy/whiny/needy? Am I better off just leaving well enough alone at this point and waiting for him to decide he wants to get in touch with me, and not fretting myself about it if he never does? I don't know. This is the part of dating that sucks rocks, and when you've been married for ten years, you tend to forget exactly what it's like. Blech.

I've got work to do - more later!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Ancient Chinese wisdom

Today's online fortune cookie:

"To be loved, be lovable."

Hmm. Wouldn't it be nice if it gave a bit more direction as to how exactly to be lovable?

How can your day be bad...

when you're listening to Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass? Stop it. Stop laughing RIGHT NOW. I love this album. My parents had it when I was growing up (how my uber-conservative, so-tight-they-squeaked-when-they-walked parents came to own an album whose cover showed a woman clad in whipped cream and nothing more is beyond me, but they did), and I remember listening to it as a child. I found it on eBay for about a buck, and I just couldn't resist. Ah, fond memories of childhood.

Today is better than yesterday so far. At least I woke up before 6:47! And I must be happy. One of my co-workers told me today that it was good to see me happy, he hadn't seen me this happy in a long time. Has my disquiet been that easy to see, that people really notice when I'm having a good day?! That's kind of sad. Apparently I'm pretty transparent. But hey, it's a good day, so I'll just enjoy it.

Back to work, much to do!

Monday, June 13, 2005

Word on the first interview...

The internal one, where I currently am. I've apparently made it past the first cut, as I received a packet of information for preparation of an action plan and a letter to a client in response to a complaint. I can't decide to be glad if I've made the first cut or nervous about having to do a presentation if I make it past the second cut! LOL Anyway, I've got this to work on now, and the time frame is pretty short - gotta have it all finished by Wednesday. We'll see where it goes from here!

Feeling like I don't belong

I went to church yesterday for the first time in a while. J warmed up to it after some initial reluctance - he got to play with Scoop (one of the Bob the Builder toys), so he was happy. LOL But I was sitting there in church, and while I enjoyed the sermon, I just didn't feel very connected to the rest of the service. Normally I'm very much into the music in a service, but yesterday none of it spoke to me at all. As I sat there with other people who were singing the songs and speaking the responsive readings, I suddenly felt very hypocritical. I thought, I'm not even sure what I believe anymore, what am I doing here with people who obviously do believe? I grew up in a conservative church, with the belief (if you can call it that - not sure now how much was true belief and how much was just agreeing with people who told me it was what I should believe) that God knew everything about me and took a personal interest in my life, and that God would carry me through hard times. I'm not sure I believe that so much anymore, and I felt out of place sitting in a church full of people with whom I wasn't sure I had much in common in terms of faith.

Used to be, back when I was repressed, shy little Lisa, I could easily have faith in things. It was so easy to say, "God will take care of me" and believe it. Now that I'm no longer that meek, mousy little person, I find it much harder to say that. I find that I rely much more on myself to carry myself through situations and to find ways out of messes. I think God encourages questioning and independent thought, but I find it odd that in my case, the very act of questioning and independent thought is taking me farther from God, not bringing me closer. Will I ever return to my childhood faith? Doubtful. I think I've grown and changed and thought too much to ever do the blind obedience thing now. (And I'm not sure blind obedience is what God would want, anyway - wouldn't He prefer that I reach my beliefs through my own personal experiences rather than just accept what someone says I "should" believe and say that I believe that, too? And is that acceptance even belief?) Will I eventually come around to a deeper, stronger faith? Possibly. I guess only time will tell in that regard. All I know is, I felt somehow wrong for being in church yesterday, like I was such a pagan unbeliever that I had no business being in God's house. It was rather unsettling. Even if it's been a while since I've been, I usually find myself strengthened and refreshed by attending services. Not yesterday, though. We'll see. I reckon I'll be going back, since J loved it - he kept saying he wanted to go back to "chotch", and he'd grab his bucket and my keys and head for the door, saying, "I've got my keys, I'm going to chotch right now!" LOL

An exercise in frustration

It's been a day already, and it's not even 9:00. UGH.

For starters, I overslept. Big time. I woke up at 6:47, when I heard J rustling around in his room. Doesn't that just figure, weekends he'll be up at the butt crack of dawn, and on a weekday he'll sleep until almost 7. (And he might have slept past 7 - he wasn't really awake when I heard him, just moving around a bit.) I swore very creatively and hit the ground running. J was none too happy about being rousted out of bed in such an unseemly fashion, but he went along with it for the most part (although he did get perturbed when I told him there was no time to watch TV and when I wouldn't let him have a bowl of shredded cheese to eat in the car - yeah, like that cheese would have made it into his mouth, more like it would have been ground into my carpet).

Daycare drop-off went fine, thankfully. J hugged me, gave me a kiss, and said, "Bye, mama!" But as I was leaving daycare, I was trying to turn left out of the parking lot, so I could go get gas in the car (which was totally sucking fumes). One of the employees wanted to turn in the exit side to get to the employee parking without having to wade through parents dropping off their kids - understandable, but not real practical at that point, since I would have had to turn right to get out of her way instead of left like I wanted to do (and had my turn signal on to do). She sat there and honked at me, and was of course pissing off drivers trying to get around her (and since there were cars coming, I couldn't go ahead and turn left to get out of her way - of course, with cars coming, I couldn't turn right, either). She could have gone past me to get into the parking lot another way, but kept honking at me instead. Finally, after there was almost a wreck, I did what I didn't want to do - turned right onto the one-way ramp that put me on the highway and away from a gas station, never mind that the "low fuel" light on my car had come on. It was just too much this morning, and I cried halfway to the next gas station, about 10 miles up the road. I made it, but still - it wasn't how I'd planned to do it, and it's a good thing I didn't run out of gas.

Then it was stupid driver day on the road. I don't know why I even bother using a turn signal, no one pays attention to it. In fact, I think it inspires people to be even ruder drivers and cut you off that much faster. There were probably four or five times that I was cut off, either when I wanted to change lanes or when someone else seemed to think their car and mine could occupy the same space at the same time. That being said, there was one nice driver in downtown, who let me over when a DART bus pulled out and stopped in front of me unexpectedly - so kudos to that person and sucks to the rest of the idiots on the road this morning.

And now I'm at work. Joy. I didn't have time to fix a lunch, so I'll have to go buy something - wasn't planning on doing that. I just hope the day improves from here. If it's all this vexing, I might just go home and have tequila for dinner.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Interview update, part deux

Update from today's interview! :)

I thought it went pretty well. I talked to the hiring manager for about an hour. The job sounds very challenging, but also very interesting - it's definitely a specialized niche, and she said that you can't really find people who know the role already, that they have to find people with some of the experience they're looking for and train those people to do the job. She also said she'd put off making a decision to have a chance to interview me and one other person, so that's promising, yes? :) After she and I talked, I talked to two of the attorneys who work there, doing the job I'd be doing if I'm hired. We talked for about 35 minutes, and then they took me around, gave me the tour and introduced me to everyone. The hiring manager said she's looking to make a decision pretty soon. She has one more candidate to talk to, and then she hopes to be deciding in short order, as she needs the help as soon as possible. She also asked if I'd be interested in a position later in the year, if she turned out to have more qualified people right now than she had openings (she's interviewing for four positions right now, and will have two in August or September). I had to think about half a second before I said that I'd definitely be interested in anything later! I'm terrible at reading situations, but I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll hear something good from this at some point. I think it would pay more than I currently make, although I'm not sure exactly how much more. This company would pay for maintaining my legal credentials (bar dues, Estate Planning Council, etc. - currently I get reimbursed for $300 worth of professional expenses, which leaves me paying probably over $700 out of pocket with all the professional crap I belong to, and the attorney occupation tax - don't even get me started on how much that annoys me), and I'd get four weeks of vacation instead of the three I currently get (and will have at my current job until hell freezes over). I'm going to send a good suck-up thank you letter, and then I guess I just wait to hear.

Now I really *have* seen it all....

Forget-Me-Not Panties

Isn't this taking things just a bit too far? If I ever get lingerie as a gift, perhaps I should check it for GPS tracking devices....

Keep breathing in and out

That was today's online fortune cookie. Appropriate, since I'm so slammed at work today, sometimes I do almost forget to breathe!

Vent for the day: anytime anyone in my company hears the word "trust" come out of someone's mouth, they direct that person's call to us. Never mind that their trust-related questions may have absolutely nothing to do with what we do here, if it's anything to do with a trust, then we must be the people they need to talk to. Feh. We get a lot of weird phone calls that way. I just got one of them, which is why I'm whining. :)

I've got more to write, but I'll do it later, when I'm not so busy. Only 40 minutes of the work week left - breathe in, breathe out....

Thursday, June 09, 2005


I'm tired. Last night J fought bedtime for all he was worth. He didn't fuss much, just didn't sleep. We changed underpants FIVE times - he was insistent that he had to change on the sofa. The first couple of times I figured, if it gets him to go to sleep, it's not a big deal to essentially waste the underpants. By the third time, though, I'd had just about enough. At one point he got out of bed and came wandering down the hall, and he very, very seldom dooes that. Finally I told him that the next sound I heard out of that room had better be snoring, and after some rustling and squirming and trying to get situated, he finally obliged. It was after 10:00 at that point, though, and J was up and raring to go by 6:20. Eight hours of sleep is NOT enough for a not-quite-three-year-old. I told his teacher this morning that he'd probably want to take a long nap, but for her to please, please wake him up! We'll see. Maybe tonight he'll be so tired he'll crash at 8:30, and maybe I will, too.

Just another day in paradise. I'd better get back to my pile of work!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

It's Out Of My Hands

Song lyrics that just struck me as a little bit fitting for where I am in life right now - perhaps more from K's point of view than mine. Yep, my secret is out, I dig out my beer-drinkin' country music when it gets too late at night. :)

I'll just turn away, there's no need to watch her leaving
I don't want to let her see me cry
And the part of me that's breaking
Is the part that has been taking her for granted
And that's why she said goodbye

It was me that let her down and left her lonely
But her leaving me was never in my plan
It started with my lying
And it ended with me crying
And she's taken all the lonely she can stand

It's out of my hands now
It's over and done
She's made her choice now
And I'm not the one
She'll find her future with some other man
It was all up to me but I just couldn't see
Now it's out of my hands.

She tried every way she knew to make me happy
She was more than just a lover and a friend
I was just too blind to see
And now she set me free
So it's best to walk away and let it end

It's out of my hands now
It's over and done
She's made her choice now
And I'm not the one
She'll find her future with some other man
It was all up to me but I just couldn't see
Now it's out of my hands.

-Randy Travis, It's Out Of My Hands

Another year down the crapper

Today is my birthday. I'm 37. When I was younger, 37 seemed positively ancient. Now that I'm here, it's not that old after all. I don't *feel* old (well, not most days).

My mom was right - time really does go by faster the older you get. When I was a child, it seemed like my birthday would *never* get here, a year was forever! Now, a blink of the eye and it's gone.

I'm too tired to have profound thoughts right now. K's mom called to wish me happy birthday, so I'm glad that she and I are still on an even keel. :)

And I got my birthday gift from J last night - money for the new floor fund (or "birthday floor" for short)! His card said daddy thought it was a good idea. :) I can't wait. I'm ready to get that new floor put down RIGHT NOW. My carpet looks like crap and I hate it.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Crack Brownies

I found this recipe tonight on one of the message boards I frequent. It's been a bitch of a day, I was really craving chocolate comfort food, and I had all the ingredients. Did I sensibly say, no, it's too late, let me wait on this? No, I dashed to the kitchen and started making brownies at 11:30 at night. Here it is, the recipe for wickedness on a plate - I can't take credit for the recipe or the name - just sharing something that's wonderfully easy and sinfully gooooooooood!

Crack Brownies

1 cup butter
2 cup white sugar
4 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/2-1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips (optional)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour a 9x13” pan. In a large saucepan, melt 1 cup butter. Remove from heat, and stir in sugar, eggs, and 2 teaspoon vanilla. Beat in 2/3 cup cocoa, 1 cup flour, and salt. If desired, add in semi-sweet chocolate chips and mix well. Spread batter into prepared pan. Bake in preheated oven for 25 to 30 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Do not overcook.


K has been talking to his mom - she's taking the separation hard, and she's asked K if he has to lease an apartment, that's such a long time, couldn't he just get a hotel for a little while. She and I have talked, too, and I'm sure we'll talk more. She hasn't been told the whole saga of all the factors that have gone into this decision, and we haven't told family yet that this is more likely than not to be a permanent thing. Time enough for that later, when it becomes a definite thing. And really, I don't want to tell her all the factors that have come into play, at least for me. I don't think it's necessarily family's business to know all of the issues in our marriage - maybe I'm wrong, but I think some things are better kept between K and I. But if his mom persists in feeling like this should be resolved in short order, I may have to tell her at least some of my thought processes, to make it clear (hopefully) that, as far as I'm concerned, if our marriage can ever be saved and if we can work through things, that working through can't be accomplished in a short time.

But here are my thoughts on what has broken things up from my point of view:

*K felt like the sparkle was gone, the joy of discovering new things about a person. He chose to find something to fulfill that thing he was missing outside the marriage, through friendships. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with K having friends - in fact, I'd never suggest that I should be his sole focus, I'd think that would make for a very unhealthy relationship if we didn't have friends outside of each other. No, where that becomes a problem is when those friendships start usurping time and emotions that should be reserved for your spouse.

*K allowed himself, not once but twice, to focus on other women instead of me, to the extent that he found himself developing romantic feelings for them. And if you're unhappy with your spouse, for whatever reason, and spend time, either in person or online/on the phone, with someone that you feel thinks more like you, is more of a soulmate or a kindred spirit than your spouse is, it's only natural that you might start to feel something more than friendship, some deeper connection. I confronted him the first time and he backed off. The second time, he didn't. I felt like I asked, begged, pleaded, told him he was taking me for granted - he agreed, and then nothing changed. He'd still say how high when JG said jump. He'd still cut and run when she called, no matter what a bind it might have left me in. His mom mentioned something about being concerned when she was in the picture so much, and I just touched on it briefly, saying yes, K spent a lot of time with her, and that hurt. Had I issued an ultimatum, said he had to choose between JG or me, I'm not sure which way that would have gone - he might have said at that point that he wanted out. All I know is, I felt like he realized what he was feeling for her and continued to pursue the relationship instead of backing away from it and honoring the commitment he'd made to me. If he'd done that two or three years ago, at that point we'd have still had a marriage that might could have been saved.

*It's not just the other women (although the emotional infidelity - because in my mind, that's what it was, investing time and emotions outside the marriage that he should have invested in me - is what has hurt the most, I think). For so long, I felt like I was carrying the load. He lost a good job through no fault of his own, and I know that was hard on him. But he got another job. That other job did allow him the flexibility to stay home with J for six months when I had to go back to work, and I am SO incredibly thankful for that - both for the flexibility and for the fact that K was willing to do it, because I'd have wanted to die if I'd have had to leave my baby in daycare when he was just six weeks old. But that job was also a temp position - he had work for as long as he wanted it, and he was quite good at what he did. But the salary wasn't great, there was very little in the way of benefits, and if there was no work coming in, he couldn't work and thus didn't get paid. When a job craps out for a week or two, that's usually manageable. But when it goes on for a month or two or six (yes, this happened once other than when he stayed home with J), that pretty much makes budgeting an impossibility. I tried to encourage and be supportive, I tried to help, finding job listings and sending out resumes and encouraging K to do that for himself. And he would, for a bit - he'd go in spurts and send out and apply and go on interviews as they came up. But then he'd get discouraged and quit looking, and wait for the temp work to come back. I was incredibly frustrated by what I saw as his not having the initiative to do whatever it took to provide for the family, I felt like the bulk of that burden was falling to me, even before J was born, and I was tired of carrying it. I couldn't understand how he could let things go on as they were.

Now, I think too much has been said as far as what each of us thinks we want - what he's said he'd look for in a woman is too different from what I am, and even if he said he wanted to come back, I think I'd still feel like I'd have to be mighty convinced that it was me he wanted, and not just the security of being married. I wish this were as simple as "honey, I slept with another woman, it meant nothing" or "I'm sorry I haven't helped out around the house, I'll do more to help in the future." But to me, it isn't. Even if K came back and was suddenly every woman's absolute dream in terms of helping with all the day-to-day stuff around the house, being totally considerate of my every need, helping with the cooking, doing everything absolutely right, I don't know if I'd ever be able to trust 1) that he really, truly, deep-down wanted *me*, and 2) that the development of feelings for someone else would never happen again. He didn't intend for it to happen the first two times. And unless I were his only friend, I don't think there's any guarantee that it wouldn't happen again, and I don't think I could carry on, being a happy wife, waiting for the othe shoe to drop, wondering if it would. It might almost be easier to get past involvement of another woman if it were someone K had just gone out and slept with in a moment of physical passion, a one-time thing, never to be repeated. I think that would have hurt less, and would have been something I could have gotten over more easily.

And not that this is all K's doing, not by any stretch of the imagination. I've come to realize that I was something of a control freak. I'm such a little bulldozer that I tend to take over everything without even realizing that I'm doing it. If I see something that needs to be done, I don't wait on someone else, I don't ask for help, I just jump in and do, and I can see where that might make K feel like I didn't need him. And if he was feeling trapped and not happy for some time before we talked about it, apparently there was something about me that made him feel he couldn't approach me with his concerns. Just like something about the relationship made him feel like he needed to look to outside sources for what he felt was missing. Add in the fact that in the past ten years, we've both grown and changed from the people we were when we met in 1993, and it may not be possible or advisable to try to go back to the "perfect" marriage people thought we had. Keep in mind, too, that this is my perception of things. Were K to write his side here, he very well might have a different perception. So I'm trying to just lay out things the way I perceived them, and the way they entered into my thought process - not trying to make K look like the bad guy. If he were a bad guy, I wouldn't have married him in the first place.

I hate that this hurts his family so much. I adore his parents. I hate that he's hurting, trying to talk to them about it. And maybe I'm inflexible and rigid to say I'd have to be seriously convinced if I were to ever consider working on the marriage rather than divorcing, and that K would have to work to win me back should that be something he feels like he wants to do - maybe the Christian thing to do would be to forgive if he's willing to make a sincere effort. But I don't think either of us should do that just because his parents are taking it hard. I think that would be a disservice to everyone, and I think if there's ever any chance of repairing the marriage, it would have to be something he and I each individually decided we wanted to do for our own sake - not for the other's sake, not for J's sake, not for our parents' sake, but because it was what was right for us. I just hope that his parents can eventually come to see that, even though this may not be the path any of us envisioned some years ago when K and I met and married, that it doesn't necessarily have to be a hideous ending, that we can still bring something good from change, that J can still grow up knowing he's got two parents who love him and who will always be involved in his life, even if they don't live in the same house.

One referral down...

Just got a resume from one of the people my former co-worker mentioned - one referral submitted, hopefully one more to come! :) It would be quite nice if this person was hired and I got a referral fee.

Interview update

It's done. I think it went OK. If I make it past this part, there are two other parts of the interview process - drafting a letter in response to a complaint, and a presentation. They hope to make a decision in June, but will take longer than that if need be to find the perfect candidate. I'm happy - I did the best I could, and at least now people higher up know I'd be interested in doing something different. :) So we'll see what happens!

When I finish my phone time, I've got to take a little break and run over to the post office to mail a couple of packages. It will be nice to get outside, even if it is getting hot.

A bit of wisdom from a Starbucks cup

I got a coffee this morning. The Starbucks cups have little blurbs on them now entitled "The Way I See It", quotes from a variety of people. I liked this morning's, from Deepak Chopra:

The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others. They are open to gestures of love. They think about love, and express their love in every action. They know that love is not a mere sentiment, but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe.

Perhaps that was why boys never paid attention to me growing up, because I didn't really love myself. It's taken me lo, these many years (37 as of tomorrow) to realize that I really do deserve to be loved, I really am a good person, and maybe that's making a difference for me.

And speaking of Starbucks, I got a lovely birthday surprise on my desk at work. I'm on a committee that's responsible for event planning, volunteer opportunities, things of that sort, and we make sure everyone who has a birthday gets a little something - a card and a muffin, or, if you know what your birthday buddy likes, you can get them something they'll enjoy. My birthday buddy happened to be one of my team members, and she got me a Starbucks card! Woo!!! Does she know me well or what? :)

My interview is in three hours. Eek. I'm nervous. I'm trying not to be - I mean, if they didn't see *something* worthwhile in me, I don't think they'd have bothered to talk to me, internal or not. But still.... I just hope it goes well. The timing sucks, 12:45 - I don't want to eat before then, for fear that I'll dribble food on myself (yeah, that would make a good impression! LOL), but if I wait until after then, there's not much of a selection left (I didn't bring anything today, since I overslept).

Oh, yes, the morning started off with me oversleeping. J was restless last night, crying in his sleep about 1:15 and 4:15, and waking up soaked at 5:00. I got him changed and back to sleep, and I thought, hmm, perhaps I should go on and get up. Then I thought, nah, I'd like that extra 20 minutes of sleep. And I proceeded to hit snooze until 6:20. EEK. Talk about hitting the ground running. Poor J didn't even get to watch TV this morning, we had to dress and dash!

And now, I'd better get some work done. It's piling up!

Monday, June 06, 2005


And in other news - I have an interview for that other position here that I applied for, tomorrow at 12:45. YIKES. Wish me luck, send good thoughts, say a little prayer! :)


Just talked to a former co-worker. He has a couple of friends who just graduated from law school and who are looking for jobs, and he was asking about openings here. Long story short, he'll send me their resumes, I'll refer them, and if they're hired I'll get money! :) That would be a lovely, lovely surprise. It really does pay to make friends as you go and keep in touch with them, you never know when something good might work out from it.

Happy Monday!

It's just another start to another exciting week. Not much has happened so far today. J slept until I woke him up at 6:30, daycare drop-off went fine, work is work.

Weight loss: I've been stress eating again. Bad, bad, bad. I ventured onto the scale this morning and was pleasantly surprised to see that I've maintained the 7.4 pounds gone in spite of my food-related naughtiness. I need to work out. I need to rearrange the workout equipment I have to where it's easy for me to use. If it's inconvenient, I won't do it. And now that J has started going to sleep earlier, if the trend continues, I'll have more time to exercise and less of an excuse for not doing it. Hopefully that will be the case.

So, if a guy calls just to say hi and see how you're doing, is that a good thing? I hadn't talked to T over the weekend, he had his boys for the weekend. He called on his way to work Sunday, said he just wanted to say hi, and that he was sorry we hadn't been able to talk for a bit. I'd think that would be a good thing, but I haven't dated in so long, my memory may be off. LOL

Hey, lunchtime - that means the work day is almost half over, woo hoo! (I'm so easily entertained, it's kind of sad.)

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Just not right

K came over today, to spend some time with J and to pick up a few things he'd left here (some of his stuff is still here, mostly just the essentials went with him, some of it may stay stored here until he's able to get himself a little house instead of an apartment). And that was fine, not a problem - he and I get along well enough that it's not a huge crisis if he wants to come by and see the J-man, I have no problem with it. No, what got to me is this. As K was putting things in his car, J turned to me and said, "daddy go bye-bye, mama." I told him yes, daddy would be going bye-bye in a little bit, but not quite yet. At the time, I didn't think J's comment got to me that much - I thought, oh, good, maybe this just shows that all of this won't cause him nearly the trauma I'd feared it might.

But tonight, when J asked me to rock him and sing to him, I couldn't - I got all choked up and couldn't sing to save my life. After he went to bed, I sat down and cried. It SUCKS that my child already says "daddy go bye-bye" like it's just a fact of life. That's not how it's supposed to be, and it breaks my heart. But I just don't think I have it in me (and I don't think K does, either) to try to repair the shreds of what used to be a marriage solely to preserve J's home intact. Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad mother, not to be able to make that sacrifice if it might be better for J? And would it even really *be* better for J for K and I to try to stay in the same house? I don't know. All I know is, it's not supposed to turn out this way, and the fact that my son can take it seemingly so matter-of-factly makes me sad.

The terrible almost-threes

No one ever tells you beforehand how very draining motherhood can be. I adore J, wouldn't trade being his mother for anything, wouldn't send him back even if I could. But some days - today being one of them - he just makes me so TIRED. He's terrible-two-going-on-terrible-three - he pushes every boundary to see exactly how far he can get, and then when you set the boundary, he really has a fit. Yesterday he tried to stand on his head - on the sofa. Not good, when he's so tall that if he did stand on his head, he could easily flip himself over the back of the sofa. I told him no, we don't do that, sat him down, asked him if he wanted a big time-out. He said no, and I told him we'd have one if he stood on his head like that again. What does he do? Three seconds later, head goes down, feet go up. Five seconds later, mama and J are sitting in the time-out spot. I sit with him and hold him there, because he won't sit there on his own, he'll get up and run off. So for three minutes we sat and he screamed. Afterward, he didn't stand on his head again, but I was wiped out. It's the pushing and the need for me to constantly repeat myself - I love preschooler selective hearing. I keep hearing that it will get better as he gets older, or at least different. :)

Tomorrow it's back to work. I saw a quiz that was one of the little stories that shows up when you sign on to AOL entitled something like, Is it time to quit your job? I think I could answer yes to all of them - things like, Monday is the hardest day of the week, tired all the time, often late to work, struggle to get out of bed. The only warning sign I didn't have was disagreements with co-workers - that's the one thing about my job I really *do* like! I've applied for a position in a different area where I currently work, and it sounds like something I might be better suited for temperamentally. It still wouldn't use my legal education a whole lot, I don't think, but it would be a better fit in other ways. I may not have a snowball's chance in hell of getting it, but I gave it a shot - if they tell me no, it's not the end of the world.

I think I'll treat myself to a somewhat early bedtime tonight - J was asleep by 8:30 (at least there's some benefit to him not taking naps, bedtime is a fraction earlier!), and I'm wiped out. More later!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Happy day!

What a nice surprise - I got a call from T at work! He just wanted to call and let me know he was thinking about me. That made me smile. :) He said it would have been nice to get together this weekend, but his work schedule doesn't allow for it. I'm OK with that, I've got plenty to do on the home front to keep me occupied for the weekend and then some. But I was glad to hear from him. A friend of mine suggested that maybe it was the three-day rule (apparently this is something from the movie Swingers, which I've never seen - you don't call until three days after the date), and who knows, maybe she was right! LOL Anyway, it was a happy surprise in the middle of my otherwise mundane work day.

And now, that mundane work day is almost over - time to go home, woo hoo!!!

Just a week away...

from my 37th birthday. I've been out of college for 15 years, out of law school for 12 years. My marriage has fallen apart, I'm not setting the working world on fire, my finances are mediocre at best. Is this where I thought I'd be when I was getting close to 40? I don't think so. And if I'm only going to live to be 70-something or 80-something, my life could be half over, or getting close to it. That's kind of depressing.

But on the plus side, I've got a wonderful, beautiful, healthy, intelligent son to love and take care of, and hopefully raise to be a good, loving, wonderful man. And that makes up for a lot of the depressing bits. :-)

I'd better work. I'm feeling some better today - not 100% yet, but not like I want to lay down and die. Hooray for Augmentin!