Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The good news and the not-so-good

Well, I don't have mono. My doctor's office called this morning. Apparently I've been exposed to the virus at some point (which they said isn't uncommon), but I don't have an active case of it right now. The nurse said all my other results were normal, but being the little scientific geek I am, I'm asking them to fax my results to me so I can see the numbers for myself. I know different labs consider different ranges "normal", and I want to see exactly what was tested and where exactly the numbers fall. If I keep feeling bad, I'll ask to have my thyroid tested (thanks for the suggestion, Holly!). Today, though, I felt mostly OK, at least from a physical standpoint.

Brian won't make it up here this weekend. He's still coughing and goopy and off-and-on feverish, even after several days of antibiotics. I'm disappointed, but if he's still feeling that bad, then he needs to rest up and get better. But he's promised to make it up to me on the 16th (when I get to go down there and see the new house!), and of course I'll hold him to that. Besides, the time to myself won't be unappreciated - I've got several errands to run, lots of housecleaning that could stand to be done, and I'm going to call one of my girlfriends and see if she's free for dinner. We've been meaning to get together and haven't managed to do it - this seems like the perfect time. I may also rent X-Men 2 and watch it so I'll be caught up when X-Men 3 comes out, and Brian and I can go see that.

And it's a pure miracle - J went to sleep tonight BY HIMSELF. We read books, and I'd put in a brighter nightlight because he'd started telling me a monster was going to get him. After we finished reading, I turned off the big light and he was happy with the new nightlight. He asked me if I could go away, and so I did. He laid in bed rustling around and playing just a little bit for about 25 minutes, got out once to come find me, got back in bed, and was snoring about 20-25 minutes later. Woo!!! This was the first time in I can't remember when that he didn't holler to have me in there right next to him the whole time. Not sure what prompted this burst of independence, but I hope it keeps up. Yes, it's a little sad to think that he's growing up, but late bedtime is a lot easier to take when I don't have to be there on the floor for the 45 minutes it takes him to turn that little brain off and sleep.

Speaking of sleep, I think it's time for me to do just that. More later!

Oh, for crying out loud

Let's see, what all has happened recently? The check engine light came on in my car yesterday. I took it to get the oil changed today - they can run a diagnostic on it (for a mere $80), but that takes about an hour, and I didn't have an hour to spare this morning. So I'll go back Friday morning. I did at least get the oil changed, but I can't get it inspected while that stupid light is on - it won't pass.

Tonight was supposed to be my late night at work. K called this afternoon, and he'd broken a tooth about half off. He found a dentist that could see him today, and went on in, but that meant I didn't have anyone to pick J up from daycare. One of my friends kindly offered to cover for me, though - I owe her lunch or a drink or both.

And then the conference call this afternoon. An hour and a half of reading a handout. The gist of the call is, there's now more work for us to do, more chances of screwing up, and more people to be pissed off if we do screw up. Yay!

Today is one of those days where I think God has definitely overestimated what I can handle, and I wish He'd scale it back just a little bit.

I must find a new job. I'm not sure how much longer I can stay at this one before I have a flat-out nervous breakdown.

And tomorrow morning's committee meeting has been moved back to 9:00 instead of 9:30, because we have another conference call at 10:00 (to 11:30), so the morning is already shot to hell.

Calgon, take me away....

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Are we sure today isn't Monday?

I went to Glenda's funeral yesterday. It was a nice service. And it was good to see lots of people from where I used to work, even if it was a terrible occasion to have to get together for. I cried a bit, and then I felt even more down afterward - really, really dragging. It's still weird to think she's really gone, really not here anymore, that we'll never talk about hockey or religion or her stupid not-quite-boyfriend again.

And yes, I'm still excessively tired. I called my doc's office and left a message asking when I might expect my test results - haven't heard anything yet. I guess I'll give them today, and try tomorrow if I haven't heard anything. It's weird. Every time I sit down, I fall asleep. Yesterday I'd sleep to the point that J would either have to holler at me more than once or actually touch me to get me to wake up. Can you catch narcolepsy? I don't mean to make light, because I know that that's no laughing matter. But sometimes that's what it feels like - I get anywhere and get still, and I'm zonked out in seconds.

I'm bummed even further by the fact that I may not get to see Brian this weekend. I talked to him last night - he'd been saying he thought he was coming down with the crud, but the last e-mail I got said he thought it was breaking up and getting better. Well, come to find out he got worse, to the point that he went to the ER over the weekend. He has bronchitis and strep, and depending on how he's feeling, may not make the trip up here on Friday. Logically I know it's not the end of the world, and if he's still contagious, I sure don't want any of that. But emotionally, I'm just bummed out big-time. I really need hugs, and dammit, I'm not going to get them. I'm just operating under the assumption that he won't be coming up here, so if it turns out that he can, I'll be pleasantly surprised. I wish he didn't live so far away, so that something like this wouldn't mean it would be another two weeks before I'd get to see him.

And work is just killing me. We're doing this new pilot project, and this morning it took two of us a total of an hour to figure out how to do a particular cash transaction. An HOUR. Now I ask you, how in the world can that be more efficient? I've done several more during the day, and it's tedious and time-consuming - again, not the best use of my time, I don't think. So while I'm processing my own cash transactions and doing my own account closings in some cases, a shitload of other stuff goes undone, and I'm just waiting for something to come back and bite me in the butt. *SIGH*

I guess I'd better get off of here and try to tackle some of that ever-growing mountain of work, if I can hold my head up long enough.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Saying goodbye

Services for my friend Glenda are tomorrow morning at 10 AM. It may be a challenge for me to get there by 10:00, but I know that sometimes you have to work with the times available with the funeral home. So I'm going, and K has said he'll be here at 8:30 to stay with J so I can go. I'm glad he's willing to do that for me.

And here's a little vent. I've e-mailed one of my girlfriends tonight, she and Glenda and I were all friends, and she e-mailed back and said she'd be there tomorrow. In her e-mail, she asked if I'd gotten Chad's e-mail. Um, no. Remember Chad, who I went out with a couple of times way back when and who ran like a scared rabbit? Well, apparently he couldn't even be bothered to send whatever e-mail he sent to those of us who knew Glenda and might be concerned with the details. What a dick! I don't know why it makes me mad, as I don't give a fat crap about him anymore and wouldn't date him if he were the only man on the planet. But what, does he think so little of me, or think that any contact would make me just go nuts over him again, that he can't send me the details of a friend's funeral service?! Asshat. Or perhaps he just assumed someone else would tell me. Either way, asshat.

Friday, May 26, 2006

So very, very tired

Coffee isn't helping. It's all I can do not to put my head down on my desk and go to sleep. I have no idea if it's mono or just being a mom catching up to me, but it takes just about more energy than I have to hold my head up and keep my eyes open. And I'm cold. Brrr. Wish I had a blanket.

As for work, with all the stuff going on and all the new things being handed out to us, it makes me wonder if other units are to be closed and/or relocated (which would explain why their work functions are being pushed off on us), and if that's ultimately the future of our department. Right now I'm just about too tired to care. I hope I don't fall asleep at the eye doctor's this afternoon - that would be embarrassing.


Finally! And we get off work at 3:00, which is better than working the whole day. Please, don't let there be anything today that I can't handle - let it be a nice, quite, low-stress day.

I have an appointment with the eye doctor this afternoon. I'm fully expecting to be told I need bifocals. Yay, some birthday present, huh? (No, it's not my birthday yet, but it will be in a couple of weeks.)

I'd better go rouse the boy and get us ready and out the door. More later!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

You do the math

Here's an interesting tidbit. I've been out of my blood pressure meds for several days now, so I haven't been taking them. I've gone to the doctor before, on my meds, on days where I've worked part of the day - my blood pressure was up, meds or no. I went in today, not having gone in to work, not having taken my meds - my doctor commented on how good my blood pressure was. Hmm. Coincidence? I think not.

A big whole lotta "who the hell knows"

That's what I got from my doctor visit this morning. She said it doesn't look like my usual sinus infection, not unless it's just the early stages of one. But I got a prescription for antibiotics just in case it is and I get to feeling worse. She gave me samples of a new allergy med just in case that's all that needs doing, is tweaking my meds a bit (if that's the case, I'll be pissed - I take Allegra now, and it comes in a generic form, where no other allergy meds do, and I'd miss the $10 co-pay). And they drew blood to test for mono, but since they're closed Friday and Monday, I won't know anything until sometime next week (until then, I'll just walk around infecting all and sundry if that is what I have). Yeah, there's $15 well-spent.

I got some bad news this morning. My friend Adam called to tell me that my friend Glenda passed away last night. We worked together at my previous job. She died of a heart attack, they think. I know she had a heart condition, but still - this is unexpected, to say the least. She was only 50. I'd been meaning to call, thinking for the last week or so that it had been a while since we'd talked, and now I've missed that chance. It's hard to wrap your brain around the fact that someone you know and talk to and have shared memories with just *isn't here* anymore. I don't think it's sunk in yet. Adam said he'd call me when he knows the details about services and what have you. I'm going to the funeral, and if it's on a work day, work can kiss my big fat ass.

As far as me, I don't feel quite so wretched today as I did yesterday. I'm still tired, though, and it seems to be more than the usual "I-didn't-get-enough-sleep" kind of tired. I could easily have laid down on the exam table at the doctor's office and nodded right off. That's not normal.

And look! I have new hair!

It's quite a change, but I like it. I'm still getting used to the fact that nothing flips around back there when I move my head, but it's sure a lot easier to take care of.

Now, it's nap time. That is, after all, what sick days are for.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Oh, ugh.

I feel like crap. I felt a little bad yesterday, and this morning I just felt rotten. My ear hurts when I swallow, I have some sinus drip, but mostly I'm just bone-crushingly tired (like PMS tired, only it's not PMS right now) and vaguely achy. I'm not reassured by the fact that K says this is how he felt with the mono, or by the fact that he said he'd feel better, then worse (because that's what I seem to be doing). And right now, I'm cold. Not sure if it's sick cold, or cold because it's cold in my building cold. All I know is, I wish I had a blanket right now. If it wouldn't get me some funny looks, I'd just take my arms out of my sleeves and put them inside my shirt.

I hope I don't have mono. I so do not have time to be sick. Although I wouldn't be disappointed (except for thinking of the shitload of work I'd be getting even more behind on) if the doc told me I was and why, yes, I did have her written authorization to stay home from work for a day or two or three.

We've had meetings this afternoon that just make me want to bang my head into a wall. On one hand we hear that the company wants associates to be happy. On the other hand, we keep getting more and more responsibilities taken from other groups and handed to us - theoretically to make things more efficient. Efficient for who, exactly? Certainly not us - as things are added to our pile, that gives us less time to accomplish what we already have (which is already more than we can get done). We're told, "oh, you'll get the hang of this new assignment" - um, not the point. The work isn't hard, it's just tedious and time-consuming. And time is the one thing that me and my peers have in increasingly short supply. Unless, of course, you want to stay late and come in on weekends (and still not get it all done). To which I say a big HELL, NO. It may not be much of a life, but I've got a life that I'd like to keep, and I have a little boy who needs his mama. If I wanted to spend 18 hours of a 24-hour day in the office, I'd have gone to work for a law firm and be pulling in six figures a year.

I'm just so steamed right now, and my head is spinning so much, that I can't see straight. Something has got to give, and it's not going to be my sanity. And they wonder why employees aren't happy.

Monday, May 22, 2006

And so another work week begins

J was in full-out nuclear mode this morning. He woke up asking, "Mama, are we not going to school today?" When I broke the news that it was in fact Monday, and yes, he was going to school, the wailing commenced. "I don't liiiiiiiike school, I don't wanna go, there's a monster at school!" When I asked him where the monster was, he said the monster was in the road. Well, then, just run over him with a truck, problem solved! LOL He didn't buy that, nor did he go for the logic that maybe the monster was there because he wanted to learn cool stuff, too. But eventually the wailing toned down and we got out the door. Started up again when I had to stop for gas - he's insane with the desire to get out of the car at the gas station, and of course it takes more time to get him in and out than it does to put gas in the car, so the answer to that is always no. He howled over that. He howled when we didn't stop for donut holes (never mind that he'd already eaten, he wanted the donut holes RIGHT NOW) and that transmogrified itself into the "I don't want to go to school" fit when we got there. I hugged him and we talked a little bit, and he settled enough to get into the building without screaming. But when we got to class, he was glued to me (he generally grabs whatever article of clothing I'm wearing and does his best to pull it right off) and whining that he didn't want to go. He eventually went with his teacher with a minimum of fuss (thank God for Ms. Casey, she's just the best as far as helping me get him into class and myself out the door), but mornings like that just wear me out.

And of course, after a morning like that, my thoughts turn to the possibility of working from home, and medical transcription. I'm trying to research scholarships and financial aid for single moms - I know it's bound to be out there. K offered to help me out, but I know that would be a big financial hit for him, and I don't want to blow his savings. If I could find a scholarship, that would be fantastic, because I wouldn't have to pay it back. But a financial aid program of some sort would do - I know the school doesn't participate in any of the usual (i.e., federal) financial aid programs, though, so their payment plans (all of which involve putting at least $1000 down and then making payments for up to 24 months) may be my only option as far as any kind of payment plan goes. I'm looking - something's gotta give, this work/financial situation I'm in can't continue indefinitely!

I'm going to have to go to the eye doctor. I think I need bifocals. The unfairness of it all makes me want to scream - I can't possibly need bifocals, I'm not even 40 yet. But if I'm trying to do something up close, I find myself looking under the rim of my glasses to see it, because it gets sort of fuzzy if I try to look through my glasses. And sometimes I just have a hard time focusing on print. So I guess I'll have to suck up and go, and see what's going on. If I have to get bifocals, that will just make me feel so OLD.

In happier news, I had a lovely weekend with Brian. I really hope he can find a job up this way. It would be nice if we could see each other more often than every other weekend. Speaking of seeing people, K and I agree that no one gets to meet J or be around him until we're fairly confident that person will be around for a while. But we never have clarified how long we have to be seeing someone before that person fits the definition of "being around for a while". I don't think either K or I has any intention of remarrying anytime soon, so I think it would be a bit unrealistic to say that J can only meet someone if we intend to marry that person. For one thing, that wouldn't be fair to me, as that would only give me alternate weekends to try to build a relationship if that person can't ever be around J, unless I were to ask K to take care of J if I wanted to go out at some other time (and K has said he'd do that, but if I were to be really serious about someone, I couldn't ask him to do that perhaps as often as I'd like to see whoever I was serious about). For another, J is such a big part of my life that I don't feel like anyone can really know me unless they can see how I interact with my child, and see how important he is to me (because any guy I might get seriously involved with would need to know up front that he'd of course be important to me, but J is my first concern). So maybe K and I need to clarify that point. Not that I'm saying I'm to the point where I'm ready for Brian to be around J (I don't think I am, and I'm fairly sure K isn't ready to see that, either), but things do seem to be going well for us, and I'm just curious to see at what point some kind of outing might be acceptable to both K and I.

Sheesh, 1:00 already and I've accomplished exactly jack shit at work. I'd better get something done. I'll have to give myself an incentive - if I get some things done, then I can go over to Paradise and get a cookie (it's that horrible hormonally-induced craving for chocolate, yay!).

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I was gonna whine, but....

This morning started out fairly rotten. J woke up telling me he didn't want to go to school, and things just went downhill from there. He was dawdling more than usual, that made me stressed out about the prospect of being late to work (ah, the joys of being on written warning), and that made me abrupt with him, and then I felt horrible for being abrupt. He whacked his toe on the toy chest and was just sobbing at one point that his foot hurt, to the point that I debated taking him to the doctor. But I had a committee meeting this morning that I didn't need to miss, and I figured if he'd broken his little toe, there'd be nothing to do for it anyway. So we went on to school. When we got there, as we pulled into the parking lot, he started saying he didn't like school, he wanted to go home. This continued all the way to class, and by the time I was leaving, he was pointing toward the door and nearly howling that he wanted to go home. Logically I know he's fine after I leave, but that doesn't make it any easier to leave when he's upset like that. So I was pretty upset myself when I left, between J's emotional uproar, the possibility of my job going away (that may never happen, but I still worry about it), and my financial distress.

I cried and fumed and fretted most of the way to work, and I was going to whine today about how unfair it is that my life sucks rocks and K's doesn't (well, not so much as mine for the most part). But he told me this morning that he's put some money in my account to keep it on the positive side, and I'm very thankful for that. So no whining today. When I'm not in a tizz myself, I know that K's life has changed, too, and he's got issues of his own to deal with. They may not include the daily drama at daycare drop-off, or the job from hell, but it's no walk in the park for him, either. And logically I know that things won't suck forever. There again, though, that's not always easy to remember when I'm in the middle of having a good fit.

And tomorrow is Friday! Woo! I'm taking half a day off, so I can get my hair cut. It desperately needs it - my bangs are in my eyes and irritating me no end.

Now, let me get back to the thankless task of talking to people who aren't going to be happy no matter what I tell them. Yeah, having the job move to the Northeast might be scary, but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Men behaving badly

I'm amazed at the friends I have whose husbands and ex-husbands are just acting like complete asshats. One of my friends has a husband who, among other things, woke her up while she was trying to sleep off a migraine (or at least sleep through the worst of it), offered to help finish up something she'd been trying to do for work, and when she got up and showed him how to do it, then told her it was her job and he wouldn't do it. Then she was awake, with the migraine, and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm sorry, that's asshattery of the highest order. Yes, it's her job. But to disturb her rest (important to her physical well-being), *offer* to help, and then essentially say, "fuck you, I won't do it"? That's just rude and inconsiderate. And that's just one story of many.

Why do so many men not get it? They act like they can't lift a finger to help themselves, expect the women to wait on them, and then get upset when their wives or girlfriends don't want to just hop in the sack at every opportunity. This same friend I mentioned earlier is in counseling with her husband, and their therapist asked them to do an exercise for a few days that involved putting the other's needs first. The husband wouldn't do it, and when asked what he had to lose if doing that didn't improve their marriage, he said he'd lose the chance to have spent that time on himself. WTF?! It isn't worth pulling your head out of your ass for a few days and thinking of someone other than yourself to try to save your marriage? If it's not worth that, skip the counseling and go straight to divorce court, 'cause there's nothing left to save. I'm telling you, if a man will put the woman in his life first, and consider her needs above his, 9 times out of 10 the woman will fall all over herself to return the favor tenfold. If a man makes a woman feel like a queen and takes care of her, she'll be a lot more likely to respond physically and emotionally. Is this a hard concept to grasp? Because based on what I'm seeing, there sure are a lot of men out there who put themselves first and then whine because they never get any. It's not rocket science, dudes.

(And I realize this is a fairly broad generalization and there are men out there who are considerate and kind and respectful of their wives and girlfriends. This is not addressed to you - y'all have already gotten it! :) )

Edited to add: Seeing my friends deal with problems like this makes me thankful for K. Whatever our issues may have been, whatever inconsiderate moments he may have had, whatever we might have squabbled over, he has never been and never will be a complete asshat like some of these guys. In fact, we get along better now that we are divorced, and I'm very, very grateful. It makes life so much nicer.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

And as an added bonus...

Just found out that our trust operations/bill pay units and some other processing-type functions will be moving to Boston. People are already being given the option of relocating or taking severance packages. This leaves only a handful of functions relating to my job here in Dallas, including the center where I work. I have no definite information on this, but I can see my job being moved to the Northeast, too. We have a fairly new center there - why not consolidate? Several higher-ups (as in, higher up than the local level) have ties to the Northeast. It wouldn't surprise me at all if this were our fate down the road. Great. Now I have to worry that my job might possibly go away? There's some more motivation to try to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Saying no to negativity? Easier said than done

I found this post that I wrote a few months ago. I was going to try to cultivate a more positive attitude. Well, that's gone off smashingly, hasn't it? I'm discovering it's very hard to maintain a good attitude, an attitude of abundance, when it feels like your whole life is going to crap. When the garage door won't open, you've had to deal with three angry clients and a workload that would choke an elephant at work, you come home and your child won't sleep for love nor money, and you feel so out of control you think you might just spin off into space, it's very hard to keep telling yourself that there's enough in this universe to meet my needs. Especially when, paycheck after paycheck, you see what sure looks like visible proof that your needs aren't being met.

Some Pollyanna I turned out to be, huh? Positive attitude, my ass.

Like a rat on a wheel

That's what I feel like. Dear God, work. It doesn't get better. I seriously don't know how much longer I can take this. I just got paid and I'm broke again. I haven't even paid all my bills. I hate this. If I loved the job and it paid crap, that would be one thing. If the job sucked but paid handsomely, that would make it tolerable. But I can't even get by on what I'm making, AND it sucks rocks. I don't know what to do. Transcription might be the answer (or *an* answer), but I don't know how to make it happen - I don't know where tuition money would come from, don't know how I'd get started without quitting and doing it full-time (and taking a huge pay cut in the process), don't know if I could do it part-time from home starting out, I just don't know how to get from here to there. We don't get cost of living raises, and I don't hold out much hope of me getting a merit raise (I don't see how anyone does here, given the insanity of our workload), since those are few and far between (and will be as long as we're seen as a cost center instead of an income center). I keep looking for a job, but nothing has come of anything yet. I can't think of any other way to bring in more money, and I can't keep relying on K, or his savings will be gone, too. I just don't know what to do. I feel beaten down and depressed, and it's very hard to maintain a positive, abundant attitude when you feel like that and when you just dread going into work every day.

And the company provides assistance with daycare costs - but only if your individual salary is below a certain amount and family salary is below another amount. What I make is below the family amount but more than the individual amount, so I don't qualify - never mind that I am a single parent, I am the family income.

And I wonder why so much goes undone. The garage door opener, going to the dentist, going to see my lap-band surgeon - all important things. But when you're wondering how to cover daycare for the next couple of weeks and get your bills paid and put gas in your car, it's hard to spend the money on going to the doctor for an optional visit instead.

And I don't want to be extravagant. That's what floors me. Not like I want a lavish lifestyle. I want to be able to meet my obligations, pay for J's care, take care of him and me, attend to needs around the house, have a little to save, and have a little to have fun with. In a seminar we had a couple of weeks ago, one of our in-house IRA/retirement experts was saying that if you want $40,000 a year for retirement, you should have $1 million saved up. I guess I'll never retire, then, because it will be a cold day in hell before I can ever get that saved.

This job was supposed to be better, or at least lead to better things. But I've been here two years now, and when it boils down to it, it's not better. The recruiter did quite a job spinning it to make it sound like it would be. But it's more stress (way more stress - the true nature of the job isn't really revealed until you're here, and even then it takes a couple of months to really sink in), I took a pay cut (which will not ever be made up by raises and bonuses like the recruiter said it would), there's no way to work from home (not for us, anyway - upper management, sure, but us peons? Never). None of the reasons I took this job thinking it would be better (or become better) have panned out. At least at my previous job I was respected and paid a decent salary, and I didn't feel panicked if I had to take a day off unexpectedly, concerned that I'd have too many unscheduled absences. Sure, there was no room to really move up at my last job, but it will be a cold day in hell before I move up here, and at least at my old job I got raises and bonuses. So if they'd have me back, I'd go, even with the longer commute. But I know how the manager is there - once you go, you're gone, no take-backs. So here I am, trying desperately to figure out which way to go now and trying not to just crawl into a bottle of tequila and stay there.

If it weren't for the fact that I need a paycheck and need benefits for me and J, I think I'd just walk out and never come back. I'm that miserable right now.

Isn't there more to life than this?!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

When did I turn 15 again?!

It was a lovely weekend. Brian made dinner last night - yay, he can cook!

Today we went to a really cool exhibit at the Amon Carter Museum in Fort Worth - it was an exhibit of bird's-eye view maps of different Texas cities. They were all interesting, and it was really fun seeing cities we were familiar with, like Dallas and Waco, as they looked in the 1890s. For some cities, they had more than one map, and it was interesting to see how they grew (or didn't grow) over the course of a few years. Then we went for Mexican food, went shopping (you've gotta love a man who'll go with you to DSW Shoe Warehouse and carry your purchases for you!), and just hung out here. He left about 9:30. I miss him already.

He's invited me to go with him to a museum shindig on the 19th. If I can switch my late night, I'm going - I'd go down for that, then we'd drive back up here, and he'd be able to stay until Sunday morning. Is it then yet?! Of course, this means I'll have to find something nice to wear - not formal, just nice. At least I got nice shoes at DSW today.

If he's talked to his mom and his ex (they're still good friends, much like K and me) about me, is that a good thing? I kind of think it might be. This is the part of dating you forget - it's good and scary and fun and painful and thrilling all at the same time.

I feel like a giddy teenager - no, wait, I don't think I was *this* goofy when I *was* a teenager.

Work issues? What work issues? What's work? And is it two weeks from now yet?!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Is it time to go home yet?

I'm dragging. J woke up at 3-something this morning, wanting to get in bed with me. Then he wanted something to drink, and got back in his bed. When I woke up this morning, he was back in my bed, and I have no recollection of how he got there. My bed is tall - I need a stepstool to get in it, and the stepstool is on my side. You'd think I'd have noticed if J crawled over me to get into the bed.

On the bright side, I'm taking Friday off. I talked to my manager, and I've only used one vacation day this year, so I figured I'm due for another. I can't wait. I'll be spending most of the day cleaning, but maybe I can squeeze in a little nap, too.

J is a big boy now - I had to take him to the doc for a sinus infection a few weeks ago, and he weighs 49 pounds! YOW! I found a height predictor online, and based on J's height and weight and age, my height and K's height, it predicted that J will be 6 feet 5 inches at age 18. Double yow!!! It gave a certain percentage chance that the figure would be right within 1 inch, 2 inches, or 3 inches (and based on the formula they used, there was a 90-something chance of it being accurate within 3 inches one way or the other). Even if he ends up 4 inches shorter than that, he'll still be a foot taller than me. Basketball scholarship, anyone? Or who knows, quarterbacks are getting taller these days, and the boy can throw. :-)

And K is sick. He'd been sickish off and on, periodic fever and chills, and just feeling like crap all the time. He called me last week, saying he'd coughed up blood. Now that's never a good thing to hear, so he went to the ER, and I took off that afternoon and went and sat with him. I had to leave to pick up J before he got the final word, but it turned out he has mono. And strep on top of that. YUCK! If he's had it for a month (he's been feeling rotten for about that long) and neither J nor I have gotten it, that's just a pure wonder. I felt kind of bad - every time he'd say he was just exhausted, I'd tell him I didn't want to hear it, that I was tired, too. Oops. So anyway, he's been off work this week and is hopefully starting to feel a bit better. He doesn't know if he's at the tail end of the mono or if it didn't really start until he got the sore throat, which could mean several more weeks of feeling like crap. But hopefully he'll get over it soon. It's no fun to feel rotten all the time.

A J funny: We were in Target, and we'd occasionally see a baby in a carrier or a stroller. At one point J turned to me and said, "Mama, can we get a little baby of our very own?" Let me think about that - um, no. LOLOLOL

I need to work. I've got a crapload to do. But my motivation is just nonexistent. Last month we had a big push to make a bunch of proactive calls to let customers know they'd be getting a spring survey - y'all know how I feel about phone calls, and that just wore me plumb out. A funny in relation to that: A couple of customers had already gotten the survey when we called, and they complained that it didn't really seem to apply to their situation. Well, we got an e-mail today - turns out that the local office clients got the survey that should have gone to our clients, and our clients got the surveys that should have gone to the local office clients. OOPS!!! I really did laugh out loud when I read that.

Anyway, I'm now trying to overcome the massive-phone-call-volume-induced lethargy and play catch-up on all my other work. Yuck. Is it Friday yet, and if not, is it at least getting close to quittin' time?

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Back to square one

Brian had applied for a job up here, and he was hoping to get it - one, because he's gone about as far as he can at his current job, and two, because that would mean we'd have been 30 minutes apart instead of 90 minutes. He found out yesterday that he didn't get it. And it's not the end of the world - not like he's now going to be any farther away than he is right now, at least not at the moment. But he said in an e-mail that he wrote that he likes where things are with us right now and was hoping to get the job up here to see where things went from there. And I'm disappointed, too. Thinking about it, I really do like him quite a lot. He's still looking for another job, and unless he were to change fields altogether (not out of the realm of possibility, but I know it would bother him not to use the degree that he invested so much time and effort and money in), it's possible that other jobs might be even farther away from here than where he is now. Not much point really worrying about it unless and until a job offer in the Panhandle or some other far-off part of Texas comes up, but thinking about the possibility makes me really, really sad. I don't know where things might end up eventually with us, and I certainly wasn't setting out to look for anything that could have the potential to turn into something long-term. But yeah, I think the possibility is there, and I know I'd be crushed if he did move somewhere far away and we didn't ever really have a chance to see what direction things might go.

Hell, I'm not sure I'm even making sense. Suffice it to say, if he did end up finding a job farther away, I'd cry. A whole stinkin' lot.

On that happy note, I'm going to go sedate myself with chocolate, go to bed, and wait for Friday to get here. I've got that to look forward to, anyway.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Contemplating a change in direction

My job completely sucks ass - the only redeeming thing about it is my co-workers (and last week, one of them damn near got on my last nerve - I don't do well with people who take it out on everyone around them when they have a bad day). The more I think about it, the more I'm really considering medical transcription. If I were able to do that, I'd also have the opportunity to get into other things that interest me as sidelines - candlemaking, calligraphy, piano tuning, all things I could make a little money at. I'm trying to think of pros and cons to working from home/doing freelance work. Pros: I'd save a ton on gas and parking costs; I'd be here when J left for school and when he got home; I'd be a lot less stressed; I'd have a job I could actually kick ass at. Cons: I'd have to pay for my own health insurance (mine and J's); no retirement plan except what I managed to put aside, most likely; the temptation to do stuff around the house rather than work. But then I think, hell, I've worried about benefits and retirement and insurance and salary, and look where it's gotten me - nowhere fast. Am I more likely to do better (and thus ultimately make more) doing something I enjoy, even if it's not a typical corporate-America-with-benefits position? I'm thinking yes. I just wish I knew there was a safety net there before I took the leap of faith.