Monday, January 31, 2005
Now I'm goofing around here, and watching Bubba-Hotep. It's pretty funny, if you want some good mindless entertainment!
Saturday night - dinner with C. We had a really nice time. :) Good dinner, too.
My leg hurts, I think I'll get off of here and go lay down. That seems to be the only way this doesn't hurt. I hope it heals up quick, this is damned annoying!!!!
Friday, January 28, 2005
First, let me start by saying that I really am sorry you're bothered by the idea or the actuality of me going out. If we've managed to muddle through this separation for as long as we have without doing each other bodily harm, I think (and I'd hope) you know that I want to keep things amicable, I do value your friendship, and I don't want to do anything in a spirit of spite or malice to intentionally hurt you. I hope you know that.
But going out - not often, just occasionally - is something I'd really like to do. Why, you ask, can't I wait a little bit longer? Well, I like knowing that someone wants to pay attention to me, wants to spend time in my presence. There's probably no way to say what I'm going to say without sounding like a bitch, but I'm not saying it in a spirit of meanness. I'm not doing this to "get back" at you for anything, but the fact is, when you were spending so much time with JG, it seemed to me like you went out and did what you wanted with very little regard for how I might feel about it. Yes, there were times that you asked if it was OK, and yes, I said it was. But I felt like if I'd put my foot down and said, "hell no, you can't go," I'd have come across as the bitchy, nagging wife who didn't respect your need for time to yourself, and you'd have resented me for that. So it was let you do what you wanted, or be resented as a shrewish wife - seemed to me like I'd get the short end of that stick either way it went. I knew you needed a certain amount of time on your own, and I tried my best to respect that, even when I wanted to say, no, dammit, stop spending time with her and come home and spend time with your wife and son. But when you went out driving with her for 6, 8, 10, 12 hours at a time, when y'all went hiking all day long on a Saturday, I don't think it ever crossed your mind to be concerned about how I might be feeling at your extended absences. And when you realized how you were feeling about her, at a time when we did still have a marriage that might could have been saved had that been what we wanted to do, you didn't think of me and back away from the relationship. Instead, you told me how you felt about her and kept on seeing her. You might be thinking, but Lisa, you were OK with that. I was OK with it only because I'd realized you weren't going to stop seeing her at that time, no matter what I said, and I could either let myself be hurt by it or I could not let it hurt me. I opted not to let it hurt me.
I want to go out at this point because I feel like my life has been pretty much devoid of affection since you met JG. You put so much of yourself into that friendship, I felt like there wasn't anything left for me, even before the separation came up. I felt like all your consideration and affection and concern went to her. Maybe that was because she wasn't the little human bulldozer that I am, maybe she just evoked that protective instinct in you where I don't so much, I don't know. Do you remember me telling you on different occasions that you were taking me for granted? I do. I'd finally get upset enough that I felt compelled to say something, and I'd cry, and tell you that, and you'd say, yes, you were, and you'd apologize. But nothing would change. I didn't feel like I ever got kisses or hugs just because, I felt like the only time you expressed any physical affection toward me was when you wanted sex. I felt like I had to ask for affection, and I was just too damned proud to do it - I thought that should come naturally if I meant to you what I should as a wife. And if I didn't mean to you what a wife should mean, I wasn't going to beg and I wasn't going to keep you somewhere you didn't want to be. But I miss the affection. I miss getting a little attention from someone who's really interested in spending time with me, in what I have to say, in what's on my mind.
Remember you said once that you missed the excitement of discovering something new about someone, that the sparkle and that thrill of discovery was gone in our relationship because we'd known each other so long? Ideally, once the new wears off a long-term relationship, the sparkle will be replaced by something deeper and more enduring. But you missed the sparkle, and you went looking for it elsewhere. It started as a friendship but turned into something more, and I don't know if you really realize how much damage that did to our marriage, and how hard it would be for me to ever repair that. I guess this is getting off the original topic of why I want to go out, but maybe it relates in a roundabout sort of way. The deal with JG hurt me, hurt us, a lot. I want to know that I can mean something to someone, even if it's just enough interest to ask me out for dinner. You and I have talked, and I've promised you that nothing sexual will happen with anyone else until things are settled between us, and it won't. And I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling the way you do, I'm not telling you to stop feeling that way. But I'm torn between wanting to keep the peace with you and wanting to do something for myself, that makes me happy and makes me feel good. So this may be one of those things we just have to disagree on, and we both may just have to cope with the fact that the other isn't completely at ease with the situation.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
I'm going to dinner with C on Saturday. This makes me happy. K and I had a big talk about how this makes him feel. This makes me sad. He said it really bothers him, he didn't know how much it would bother him when we agreed that it was OK to meet people and go out. He said it's made worse by the fact that C is someone I know, have known for a while. He said he felt like I didn't care what he thought about it, and it made him wonder if I cared what he thought about anything. He said he realized he's being a hypocrite, but he can't help the way he feels. Now how do I respond to that? I tried to explain my feelings on it, but I'm not sure I did a very good job. It's not that I don't care what he thinks - I must care, or I wouldn't even be bothered that he's bothered. I'm sorry he feels this way, I wish I could change that (OK, I suppose I could, if I did what he'd like me to do and didn't go out). Of course, the argument can be made that I must not care that much, or I'd respect his wishes. And so in that light, maybe I don't care, at least not about what he thinks of this particular thing. Maybe I *am* an insensitive bitch.
I realize that what I'm about to say could be construed as hurt feelings or sour grapes or something, but I don't intend it to be. He's upset by me going out with anyone now. Well, for a long time, that shoe was on my foot. I was upset about him spending so much time with JG. I tried to tell him that, but to no avail - I still felt like he'd cut and run whenever she called, with no regard for me, and I felt like all of his affection was channelled toward her with very little left for me. Sure, there were times he'd ask if it was OK for him to run off and do whatever and I'd say it was, but I thought I was trying to be respectful of his need for time to do his own thing when I said OK, go. I thought I'd be the nagging, bitchy wife if I always said, no, I'd prefer you stay here. So maybe in some roundabout way, this whole mess is all my fault anyway. If I'd put my foot down hard at some point, would the marriage have been salvageable? Or would he have seen me as a controlling, nagging, unreasonable wife and felt more and more stifled? I guess we'll never know now. But part of me thinks, well, this is a case of what goes around, comes around - all that time with JG and the harm it did to our marriage is coming around. I'm sorry K is finding out how I felt. It was a pretty rotten way to feel, and I don't wish it on anyone. And I can't tell him he's wrong to feel that way - he's entitled to feel whatever he wants, and I don't think any guy worth his salt would be OK seeing his separated wife, or ex-wife, even, going out with someone else. But I'm not saying, OK, let me go along with what you want, I'll just not go out right now. Maybe I really am an insensitive bitch. But if that's the case, why do I feel so bad about it?
I'm talking in circles. It's late, I think I'll just go to bed before I lose the ability to form complete sentences.
I did find out that I'm done with my proactives for January - wooooooo hooooooo!!! Exceeding expectations, that's me. :)
I watched Bruce Almighty last night, the movie where Jim Carrey is given all of God's powers for a while. It took me a little bit to get into it, but it turned out to be a funny little movie. I enjoyed it.
Daycare drop-off continues to be a bit of a struggle, although it wasn't quite as bad as usual this morning. Still, it makes me tired.
This post in The Good Husband's blog got me to thinking. Do all guys really need to be asked or told to do things? Do men not have the initiative to see when something needs to be done and do it? If a man sees that his significant other is in a situation where she could use the help, can he not jump in and help? That's kind of what the post brought to mind, making me think that men are just big helpless lumps who can't act without direction. Surely that can't be true, can it? ;-) But what if a woman is really independent? Guys, do you wait to be asked for help if you think she can handle something by herself? Do you hold back from helping for fear of her getting insulted and taking your assistance as a sign that she can't handle the situation? Do you help, not because she needs the help, but because you think she might appreciate it? I'm pretty darned independent and pretty inclined to do things myself, and this is something I'd really like to know. If I end up with someone else down the road, will I have to constantly ask for help, tell him what to do, make him feel needed, and never expect spontaneous gestures of helpfulness? If that's the case, I'll either need to work on that tendency of mine to bulldoze ahead with things or just be single forever. LOL
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Then our team went out for a birthday lunch for one of my co-workers - nice lunch, but we were gone for two hours. There goes the morning.
Now I'm back, I have callbacks and reviews that are going to expire if I don't do something with them today and research to do, and I haven't even looked at my inbox. And it's 2:00 already. AACK. I'm trying to figure out what *has* to get done today and tackle that first. It sucks when your job can get so insane that you dread taking time off for any reason.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Let's see, what all has happened? Probably quite a lot, but I'm playing catch-up at work (was out yesterday, more on that in a minute), so I'll just hit the high points.
*Out yesterday - thought I'd kill two birds with one stone and take care of two appointments, first, seeing about my wrist pain and second, having a little blob removed from my leg. My wrist pain didn't get checked out - I'm going through the workers' comp process at work, and no one bothered to tell me they'd have to investigate first before they could give authorization. (What's to investigate?! I type all day, my wrists have started hurting, they used to hurt less, now they hurt more. There, done.) And of course the doc couldn't diagnose me without authorization. So that was wasted effort. I did use my day off to good advantage, though - took some more things to Once Upon A Child and Half Price Books, got a little cash, had a tiny bit of time to myself, and then saw the dermatologist at 3:00. I liked her - I'd recommend her if anyone is looking for a dermatologist in the Dallas area! I had this little fatty blob taken off my inner thigh - nothing wrong with it, it doesn't hurt, it's not malignant, it's been there for years. It's just oogy, and I was tired of looking at it. So I got that zapped off - it's sore today, but it was no big deal.
*C called (he's the guy I was supposed to go to dinner with last weekend). :) I figured he would, if I just laid low and let him go at his own speed. (I may have mentioned before, he's very deliberate in his actions.) He'd left a message on my cell phone Sunday evening, and I called him back yesterday. (On the message he said he knew it might be short notice, but he wanted to see if he could steal me away for dinner. I thought that was sweet. Points for spontaneity, minus points for not remembering that a single mom might not have the option of spontaneity! LOL) We talked for a bit. He's out of town part of this week on business (he started his own law practice last year), but he said he'd call when he got back and we'd make plans to go out. (Am I reading too much into it, or does "go out" sound more like a date than not? I know we're friends, but if it were me talking to a friend, I think I'd be more inclined to talk in terms of "getting together" than "going out". I know, I'm probably way overanalyzing this.) So we'll see! I'm just happy that he called.
*J is very much into "no". Seems like most everything these days requires an exertion of will on my part, and that's very tiring. I'm trying, though, to take time whenever possible to explain to him why things need to be done the way I'm asking him to do them, why I want him not to do certain things, and so on. I'm trying really hard not to fall into "because I'm your mother and I told you so", and not to let him push me until I snap and yell. Neither of those are good for him in the long run. But it sure does take a lot of energy to try to guide my willful, stubborn, opinionated little man.
*I have my last quarterly review for 2004 with my manager at 11:00. Yikes. I think I've improved since last time, I hope he sees it the same way. Wish me luck!
Friday, January 21, 2005
Then there was traffic. The highway I normally take was shut down - big wreck, fuel spill, etc. - and traffic was backed up to kingdom come. It was backed up to just about 15 miles from my house, which meant I'd be waiting a LONG time if I'd stayed there. So I cut across to the interstate, which made for a long trip, but it beat sitting still. I came dragging in to work around 9:00, finally. I called to let them know I'd be late and why, and I'm sure someone somewhere will see that and penalize me for being tardy. I think that's kind of silly when you're late for a reason totally out of your control - traffic happens, and none of us have any control over that, give it a rest.
And now there's my wrists. They've been hurting off and on for a while, and this morning my right wrist hurts so much, it's hurting down into my fingers. OW. I called my doctor - the earliest she can see me is Monday morning at 8:00. I had another appointment scheduled for that afternoon, so I decided to just take the day off. My second appointment is up here close to work, so I'll still have to make my drive in, but that's OK. I probably shouldn't be typing so much, but it's part of my job, and besides, I want to write.
I've given up on the sidebar stuff on my blog for now. I'll mess with it later.
Private practice - thoughts. I've got to decide if this is something I really want to do or not. Pros: more flexibility, no one to answer to but myself and my clients (well, and the State Bar, of course), the potential to do really well for myself. Cons: no financial reserves to fall back on during the start-up period, no way I can think of to get those reserves, no real solid experience to build on, no client base to bring with me. That's what I come up with off the top of my head. A friend assures me that if I decide this is really what I want to do, things will fall into place much more easily than I might think, and that may be the case. But it's a big step, especially when I'm not just responsible for myself. I've got to be able to take care of J, too. I have a hard time stepping out on faith that all will work out when it's such a very big step and when the consequences are so major if I fail. I mean, if I'm broke, I can't pay for daycare, can't pay for utilities, can't pay the house note - what would we do, go live in a box?! The women I've talked to who started their own practices when they had children had the security of a spouse who made a really good salary and enough savings to tide them over if the first few months were lean. They also came from private practice and had clients who were likely to follow them, and practical experience in their areas of practice. A former co-worker who's started his own practice told me his wife had to go back to work, and he hated that, but there again, it was a safety net from a financial perspective - she had the option to go back and bring in more money for the family while he got his business started. I have none of that. I've got only myself (although I know K would help me financially as much as he could, he'll have his own finances to tend to, and it's not like either of us is flush with cash), theoretical experience in my chosen field, and no clients who'll follow me. I'm not trying to be Captain Bringdown, I'm just trying to look at the facts objectively. Is the potential for the freedom of being my own boss, and the potential for a good income at some point in the future, enough to get me past the difficulties of starting up and finding clients and paying my essential bills? And I'm still trying to recover from bankruptcy, is now the time to leave a steady paycheck? I don't know. It rolls around in my head and never sees the light of day much, since I seem to more often be dealing with personal issues and child-related things. But the thought is still there.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
(And does #10 really work, do guys eventually start picking up after themselves???)
How to be a great girlfriend in 10 easy steps
By Bob Strauss
To most guys, There's Something About Mary was the perfect film about the perfect girlfriend: Someone who drinks beer, loves sports, smiles sweetly in the face of infantile behaviour and looks like Cameron Diaz. Granted, there's nothing you can do about the Cameron Diaz part, but here are some tips for turning yourself into the kind of gal that prompts guys to ask, "Why can't the women I date be as cool as her?"
1. Know the league rules. Want to make a guy's jaw drop? Give him your blow-by-blow of the Arsenal/Man U showdown. Earn him a few quid on your World Cup predictions, and he'll propose to you faster than David Beckham's latest Lamborghini.
2. Lose the coasters. These little frisbee things are the bane of a guy's existence; if you insist that he use one, you can't help but come off like a proper miss at a girl's academy. Which would you rather have: A boyfriend, or a smudge-free coffee table?
3. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they're stupid — especially if they're stupid — a guy's jokes are an irreplaceable token of his manhood. If you don't laugh, it's just like waving around a pair of knitting needles. Extra points if you fake a giggle fit in front of his mates.
4. Share the wealth. Speaking of his friends, if you follow all the tips listed here, they're going to be very jealous that the two of you are an item — so coax out your single female pals every now and then and let everyone mingle. If nothing else, it's good karma.
5. Let him get lost. No, don't throw him out of the house. The next time you're out driving, and your boyfriend refuses to ask for directions, cut him some slack. Losing his way on the M5 is the closest he may ever get to the adrenaline thrill of skiing the Alps.
6. Flatter his ego. Whenever your boyfriend tells his latest tiresome tale about slaying some work-related ogre — or starts wondering whether, deep down, he's really suited for life as an epic poet — just tell him he's terrific and you believe in him 100 percent. Even if you don't.
7. Know when to stay home. No guy will come right out and say it — at least, no guy who wants to keep all his body parts — so if you pay extra-careful attention to your boyfriend's mood, you'll know when he wants to spend a night out with the gang by himself.
8. Buy a round. If you do happen to be out with the gang, buying the next pitcher — or, better yet, turning everyone on to the kind of fancy drink (like Cosmopolitans) that only girls seem to know about — will instantly establish your cool-chick credentials.
9. Wear a baseball cap. You know how naturalists, when they want to infiltrate a pack of hyenas, dress in fur pelts? Not only will a baseball cap make you look sexy — especially if you wear it backward — but it'll do a lot to increase your boyfriend's comfort level.
10. Don't sweat the small stuff. The list is too extensive to include here, but are loose toenail clippings, unwashed towels, and torn jeans really worth a full-blown argument? Go with the flow, and you'll be surprised how often your boyfriend cleans up his dirty habits all by himself.
Since then, it's been laundry and cleaning the kitchen and computer time and a bottle of Guinness and staying up later than is prudent. Just call me our lady of perpetual tiredness. A childless friend at work asked another friend at work (who has FOUR kids) how he did it. He said he just took his vitamins and kept going, and tried not to stop and think about it too much. And that's pretty much what it takes to be a parent, especially one who works full-time - just keep going and doing what needs to be done.
On a completely unrelated note - back to the date that wasn't. I've talked to him since then, we last talked on Monday and he said he'd talk to me soon. I'm not calling, I'm waiting for him to call. Good idea or bad? Based on past experience, he tends to be more interested (or at least it seems that way to me) if he doesn't hear from me first, if he's the one taking the lead. So I'm going with that for now.
Seems like I had more on my mind to write about, but it's left me now. I'm waiting for this last load of laundry to dry - I'm thinking it will soon be time for a new dryer, this one doesn't seem to be working quite so well anymore. (Great, something else out of the ordinary to pay for.) Oh well, if any of my seemingly important thoughts come back to me, I'll share later.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
And now I'm at work. This is one of those days where I'm finding it very hard to motivate myself to do anything, much less be enthusiastic about it. I'm counting the hours until quittin' time....
Sunday, January 16, 2005
And it's been a no-nap weekend for J. Last night bedtime was a breeze, he went right to bed when it was time, was asleep in a flash. Tonight? He was cranky all evening, took a dislike to his pajamas ("no, be nekkid!"), tried to negotiate for more TV when I told him it was time to turn it off, and had a thermonuclear meltdown when the negotiations didn't turn out the way he was hoping. *SIGH* It took 30 minutes, at least, to get him settled down. But he's sleeping now, and hopefully he'll sleep all night like he has been.
Tomorrow I have a big day of shopping and sleeping planned - I'm off, I'm taking J to school, and it will be mama's mental health day. I'm going to Bath Junkie to use some of my Christmas gift cards. Should be fun!
Saturday, January 15, 2005
J opted for no nap today. He bounced up and down for a while, then climbed out of bed twice, and that was the end of that. By the end of the evening he'd been up for 14 hours and was so tired he could barely stand up, and it took him about a minute and a half to fall asleep when I put him in bed. So the big boy bed is going well, with the exception of the nap thing. I'm hoping he'll eventually realize that he *can* take a nap in the big bed. Oh, and we've also discovered that if he plays "boom" on the bed (that being, he stands up, I nudge him very gently with one finger, and he falls over - he thinks it's great fun!), the slats under the mattress fall out. AARGH. Time to go to Home Depot and cut a piece of plywood to fit under the mattress.
I watched a movie tonight that probably ranks in the top five most underwhelming movies I've ever seen (Swimming Pool also falls in this category - yawn). Tonight I watched Ju-On, a Japanese horror film, complete with subtitles, that was supposed to be scary as all get out. Our local movie critic just raved about it. Hmph. He must have been smoking something really good, because I just didn't get it. I was decidedly underwhelmed. I tend to scare pretty easily, at least at scary movies, and this just didn't do it. It was basically 90 minutes of people jumping out and saying "boo". Maybe I'm just a cultural ignoramus, but I say give it a miss if you haven't seen it.
Time for bed - I need my beauty rest for my date tomorrow. ;-)
Friday, January 14, 2005
Now that I'm all sniffly and weepy, I think I'll get some sleep.
My problem is, he's said that he'd prefer I not date until after we're divorced. (Who knows when that will be?) He's said he can't tell me what to do, but that's his preference. And I feel like every time I go out, even something as simple as dinner, I end up feeling like he's somehow a better person than me because he's not going out at all, like he's taking the moral high ground and I'm just a bad person. Am I? I'm not actively looking to meet new people, but if someone I know (like my former co-worker) asks me out, I'd like to be able to go and not get the guilt trip from K about it. I feel like he's trying to change the rules mid-game - we agreed it was OK to go out early on, and now he's saying, hey, wait, I'm not OK with that after all. Is it wrong of me to think that's just a tad bit unfair? Is it wrong of me to want to go out, to enjoy a little attention and have a good time? (And for what it's worth, if he were to go out with someone this weekend, I'd tell him, go, have a good time, and I'd mean it - guess he and I are just wired differently in that regard.)
K asked me why I couldn't/wouldn't just wait until things were final to date (I think he and I have a different view of what constitutes "dating" - to him, going out to dinner means you're dating, not dating someone exclusively, but dating - to me, you aren't "dating" in the sense that I understand the word unless you're seeing someone pretty exclusively and pretty often, to me an evening out at dinner doesn't equal dating - but there again, maybe it's me who's wrong, I don't know). So I've thought about it. And I've come to the conclusion that I want to go out because I'm (and this sounds pathetic, but it's true) starved for affection. Even before the separation issue came up, K was devoting so much of his time and affection and attention to JG that I didn't feel like there was any left for me. I felt like furniture, something he noticed if I could be useful to him but something to step around the rest of the time. I told him that, told him he took me for granted - he agreed, but nothing changed. He kept on asking how high when JG said jump, and that did a lot of damage. In many ways, it would have been less painful if he'd just slept with her. But he got emotionally involved, to the exclusion of me, and that's what did the harm. Anyway, I felt like I was getting no attention from him for such a long time, I felt like I never got kisses or hugs (and I got to the point where I wasn't going to ask for them anymore, seems like if you love someone you should at least occasionally make a spontaneous gesture of physical affection), felt like he didn't demonstrate any affection physically unless he wanted sex (and I may not have been the most enthusiastic partner, or the most talented, but I never said no and I don't think I ever made him feel like a burden or an inconvenience about it). So my life has been devoid of affection from just about anyone other than my son for so long that I really, really miss it. I'd like to get a hug or a kiss just because someone thinks I'm cute. I'd like to know that someone is interested enough in what I have to say to sit down to dinner with me and listen when I talk, talk while I listen. And that's why I'd like to go out just a little bit now. It's not a frequent thing, not once a week, not even once a month - very occasional. But I always end up feeling like I'm doing something wrong by doing that, and it's not fair, especially since I feel like the rules are being changed on me in the middle of the game.
So am I a bad person? Just stupid and insensitive to K's feelings? Whatever your thoughts, lay 'em on me - I'm a big girl, I can take it.
Let's just hope the day continues in this same vein!
Thursday, January 13, 2005
J had a screaming meltdown at daycare this morning. He's been that way every day this week. *SIGH* When I leave, he just screams and sobs, with tears running down his face. I don't know how to make it any better. He's fine about it all the way there - excited about school, practically jumping out of the car to get there. But when we get into the building, he gets very clingy and doesn't want me to leave. I'm baffled. And it just breaks my heart to walk away from him screaming. I worry that I'm doing him some kind of profound psychological damage, and I wish I could stay home with him.
Other than that, I'm just counting the hours until quittin' time and wondering whether I should walk across the street and treat myself to a peppermint mocha.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
I'll live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore,
And then I'll walk, yes, I will walk with patience through that open door.
I have no fear, angels follow me wherever I may go,
I'll live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore.
Mayhem: I'm helping out with a troublesome account. It was one of mine, but another unit is actually handling the closing since it's something extremely out of the ordinary. Let's just say that family things can get so messy when there's money involved. I'm glad I'm an only child! LOL
Back to work....
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
I've got four more Gmail invites, if anyone is interested - just e-mail me with your first and last names (Gmail requires that I have that to send an invite), and I'll zip one out to you!
Here's a question for the guys: How do you act around a woman if you're interested or find her attractive? I'm getting some strange vibes from a guy I work with, and I've ignored my intuition for so long, I don't trust my hunches much further than I can throw them. So I thought I'd toss out that question and see what comes back. I feel just a little stupid even suspecting, but what are journals for if not to write down things you feel stupid even thinking? LOL
New Year's goal #1: No more late-night snacking. It's not helping my weight loss (which is stalled at the moment), and it's not good for me. So I will not graze after J goes to sleep. I'm going to try to drink water instead - I need to do more of that anyway.
And now, off to bed. As J would say, mama go night-night.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Other than being tired, it's pretty much just a day. I'd better get back to it. Work does tend to pile up when I'm out of the office, even if it's just for one day.
J loves his big bed. He climbed on it and bounced so hard, he flipped himself over backward. He also bounced two of the slats out of the bottom of the bed and knocked one corner of the mattress through the frame and onto the floor. I'm thinking we may just need a board to go under it. He's already figured out how to get down past the bed rail - he came walking down the hall to see me. And he didn't settle down and sleep until about 10:45. Hopefully this will pass, and bedtime won't be this late every night. If it is, he and I will both be really cranky before long!
And on that note, I'm off to bed - I might be awakened by a little boy coming down the hall at 3 in the morning (although I really hope he sleeps all night)!
And I'm mentally preparing myself for J totally not sleeping tonight - he'll be so excited, he'll be bouncing off the walls (we've been talking about his big boy bed since Christmas). I had to laugh - this morning I told him today was the day he'd get his big boy bed, that he was a big boy now, and that the crib was for little babies, so he didn't need to sleep in it anymore. I took him out of the crib (my back and shoulders are rejoicing at the thought of him being able to climb into and out of the big bed by himself!), and he pointed to the crib and said, "Little baby!" I asked him if he was a little baby, and he said, "Hum!" Silly boy. :) I'll try to write tomorrow about the first night with the big boy bed - here's hoping it goes well.
I've gotten his room squared away, now I have to clear a path for the delivery guys to get the mattress to his room. The to-do list for the rest of the day includes getting my oil changed, renewing the registration on my car, checking the mail, going by the grocery store (those four are essential), and dropping stuff off at Half Price Books and Once Upon a Child if I have time. I am SO loving cleaning crap out of my house! Granted, it gives me a little twinge to part with some of J's old things. But they're just things, and we can't keep them all. I'm hoping that by his third birthday I'll have all (or most) of my old junk out of there, and it will actually look like *his* room instead of mama's old junky room where he just happens to sleep.
Gotta dash, much to do and the time will go faster than I think!
Friday, January 07, 2005
On that note, it looks like we *will* be having a massage therapist come in every week, but apparently not the same one. We got an e-mail saying that our big boss onsite wants recommendations for someone different. Not sure what brought that about, but hopefully we'll get someone who's as good.
No big weekend plans here - tomorrow is library day (I love getting all the free books I can carry!), and I'm cleaning up in preparation for the arrival of the big boy bed on Monday. I hope that helps with sleep issues. Bedtime has gotten so bad that I can't decide which stresses me out more, bedtime or daycare drop-off. Both involve crying and frequent use of the word "no". I keep trying to remind myself that this phase will pass, it will get better, but sometimes it's hard to keep that in mind.
I'm wiped out, too many late nights this week - I'm going to get some sleep!
Our team went out to lunch for our team leader's birthday today. That's one thing that's kind of cool about working in downtown, you can walk to lunch instead of having to move your car. It's always nice to get away from the office, and even nicer when your manager is there, too, so you know you won't get in trouble for being gone too long! LOL
Bedtime battles continue. J fights it like a little wild man every night, although last night wasn't as bad as some nights have been. But he did wake up at 4:00 this morning, wanting to be rocked. It took about 30-45 minutes for him to get soundly back to sleep. I debated just staying up and getting ready for work early, but I'm not that much of a glutton for punishment.
And now daycare drop-offs are getting ugly. It seems to go in cycles. For a while, they'll be OK. Then we get back to where we are now, where J starts clinging to my legs as soon as we get inside. He didn't cry until I left this morning, just hung on to me saying, "mama...mama...mama" and trying to stay between me and the door. And then he howled when I left. *SIGH* Days like that really make me want to cry (and some days I do, although not until I'm back in the car).
On the relationship front: I've been thinking. I think I've said before that I have an un-misspent youth to make up for, and I also think I've said I've realized that I can't/won't be into truly casual sex (i.e., just a one-time thing with zero emotional involvement - I know myself well enough to know that I'd like for there to be at least *some* interest in me the person, not just me the warm body). And I think when I do start actually dating, I won't be into playing the field, at least not in the sense of having several guys on the string at the same time. I don't have that much self-confidence, and I just don't think it's my style. Not to say I'd be looking to jump into anything *serious* with anyone anytime soon - huh, not even. I just don't see myself going out with three different guys on every free weekend I have. (If I did that and ever got serious about one of them, that would mean I'd have to break it off with the others, and I'm terrible at hurting people's feelings! LOL)
And some surprising good news on the job front: We get little rewards for delighting clients. You can redeem them for different things (personally, I'm saving to get enough to buy myself a half day off work). Well, I got not one but two today, and one was recognized as the delight story of the week! I know, it might sound a little cheesy and a little too rah-rah for some. But it was a nice feeling to be recognized for doing something good. Maybe there is hope for me here, maybe I'm not the red-headed stepchild of the team that I feel like sometimes.
Back to work - maybe I can accomplish something else good! ;)
Thursday, January 06, 2005
New Year's goal: Get rid of the ugly crap in my closet and get some new clothes that I look and feel spiffy wearing. And if I can get my calves skinny enough, get some black tall boots - gotta love the boots.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
J went to sleep at 10:00 last night - woo hoo, a whole hour earlier, and it only took him an hour to go to sleep. I don't know what to do to get him to sleep. For a while, the routine worked - dinner, bath, a little TV before bed, and he'd go to sleep pretty well on his own. Not necessarily right away, but he'd rustle around for a while and eventually sleep. Now it's getting to where I dread bedtime, because I know it's going to be a pitched battle getting J to sleep. And I don't know how to make it better. I can put him in bed, I can let him holler when appropriate, but I can't make him sleep. *SIGH*
It was in the 70's, now it's cold again, and they're talking about sleet just up the road in McKinney. You gotta love Texas weather.
Back to my regularly scheduled workday....
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
|You Are a Seeker Soul|
Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others.And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you.You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically.Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas.
Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul
This was kind of hard for me - on many of the questions, more than one answer seemed to fit. But I'd say this describes me pretty well!
It's almost 12, no wonder my stomach is growling. Today's lunchtime offering: popcorn. I got on the scale this morning and didn't like the number I saw, so that's doing wonders in the motivation department - I've had one Hershey kiss and I'm trying to drink as much water as I can. Now to get the exercise program in gear...
I also want to work on my calligraphy. If I can brush up on my skills and get the word out, I think I could do a pretty good side business doing invitations, scrapbook pages, certificates, whatever people might want. And I'd enjoy that, it doesn't require a lot in terms of supplies, just a little quiet time to work. I'm going to have to make time for that!
I'm supposed to go see my counselor tomorrow. However, we've changed insurance. I'd told her who my new health care provider was, and she takes that (Blue Cross Blue Shield). I found out today, though, that BCBS doesn't cover our mental health benefits, Cigna Behavioral Health does. My counselor isn't a covered provider with Cigna. *SIGH* I've put a call in to her to explain what's going on and see what can be done. What a freakin' pain insurance can be sometimes. Granted, there are times (like my c-section and my weight-loss surgery) when I'm mighty thankful to have it and the options it offers. But for a lot of routine stuff, it's just a big pain in the ass.
I've been thinking about things I miss about being in a marriage or serious relationship. Here's what I've come up with so far:
*I miss hugs and kisses. Not sex, just hugs and kisses and hand-holding and someone to snuggle with. Sure, sex is nice, but I miss those lower-key expressions of love and affection, those displays that are "just because". I felt like those had disappeared from my marriage a while before the separation anyway, and I wasn't going to ask for affection from K - I was his wife, I didn't think I should have to ask for hugs and kisses. Anyway, that's something I feel like I've gone without for a long time now, and I really miss it. A hug can be a remarkably refreshing and comforting thing when you've had a shitty day.
*I miss adult companionship for dinner. I miss having someone to talk to at mealtimes. K and I didn't always sit down at the table and make a formal thing of it. More often than not, we'd sit in the living room and eat off of TV trays. But I miss the presence of another adult at that time of day. Not that J isn't a fascinating conversationalist, but it's not the same as talking to someone my age! :-)
I'm sure there are more things I miss, but those are two that really stand out at the moment.
Better get back to work.
Monday, January 03, 2005
I really miss our massage guy up here. No word yet as to whether he's coming back (my hunch is that no, he isn't). I would so love a good back rub right now - my muscles are so tight, you could use 'em to pound nails. Sometimes I can talk J into pounding on my back with his feet (he thinks that's funny!), but that's not the same as a good massage. *SIGH* Oh well.
Well, it's lunchtime. I'd better go try to find something I can eat that I don't have to spend money on - in the interests of improving financial stability, I won't be eating out much at all, at least not anytime soon.
Saturday was a decent day (although if it's true that whatever you do on the New Year, you'll do all year long, I'm in for lots of heavy lifting! LOL). K was a big, big help getting J's room ready for the forthcoming big boy bed. He moved the little dresser from J's room to my room (and had to move a lot of crap out of the way in both places to do that), so there's now room to convert the crib into a full-size bed when the new mattress arrives next Monday. It's nice to have that much taken care of. I cleaned and organized other stuff while K worked on that. I still have a lot of cleaning to do, but moving that dresser was a big project. It looks nice in my room - I have my new stereo set up on top of it, and when I've got time, I'm going to organize the big dresser in J's room to make room for what's in the little dresser, so I'll have more storage space for me. I really appreciate that he took care of that for me. I probably could have done it myself, but it was nice not to have to do that.
Sunday: more cleaning. I tackled the music room closet again, and ruthlessly threw out crap. Lots of old cassette tapes kissed it goodbye! I kept my old mix tapes, ones I probably couldn't duplicate without spending a lot of money on CD's I don't particularly want to buy, just to get the one or two songs I like. I was able to move five big Rubbermaid containers of bears into that music room closet and get them out of my bedroom (more on the bear collection in a minute). I'm just tired of my bedroom being the repository for things that have nowhere else to be stashed, and I'm doing something about it. I am reclaiming that space and working to make it a restful, peaceful retreat for myself. I deserve better than to have my bedroom be a place that I walk into and think, "oh crap, I *really* need to clean" every time I see it. That's hardly restful (and hardly conducive to impressing any guys, should I ever decide any are worthy of being added to the very, very, very short list of men I've slept with!). So I'm reorganizing and pitching stuff and selling stuff and clearing out crap. It felt good, although I've got muscles that are kind of sore today from the unaccustomed abuse.
The bear collection. I was a huge, huge bear collector for years - mostly Boyds and Pooh, with a couple that are unique and a couple that might actually be worth a little something. The little furry critters (and decorative plates, and figurines, and...) were taking over my house. Funny, though, since J was born, my insane need to collect and acquire more bears has pretty much disappeared. In fact, I'm seriously considering weeding out my collection, selling some on eBay, donating some to a local police department that collects bears for children who are crime victims. I'm not really sure why the need to collect has disappeared. I'm growing up, maybe? I don't feel the need to hide behind them anymore (like I hid behind my weight and my religion for so very long)? All I know is, enough. I don't need any more, I don't want any more, and I want to clear out a lot of the ones I've got. My space is limited, and I don't think keeping a bunch of bears around is the best use of that space.
In all the cleaning, I found a couple more of my old journals - one from 1995, when K and I had first gotten married, and one from about 1996/97, when he was going back to school and I was working as an assistant DA. Interesting, interesting reading, and some of it was pretty sad (reading what I'd written about our wedding, about my mother's death and funeral). But it amazed me to see that, even then, very early on in our marriage, there were things that bothered me. Some of them were the same things that I've been trying to deal with during our separation and the time leading up to it. Why did I not have the balls to say anything about it for so many years, to stand up for myself, to tell him what I did and didn't appreciate and like and expect and hope for in terms of our relationship? Had I done so, would things have turned out differently? Or does the fact that the things that have bothered me seem not to have changed over the years mean that we were a lost cause from the get-go? I don't know. I was just surprised, because I didn't remember feeling that way so early on. I guess memory has a way of painting things a rosier pink than maybe they really were. And I guess that's the blessing and the curse of keeping journals -you get to see how things really were from your own perspective, but then...you get to see how things really were, and maybe sometimes we're better off not remembering all the details.
I'm trying my best not to eat the Hershey kisses that I keep on my desk for co-workers. I have GOT to do better about eating right and exercising in the New Year. I didn't go to all the trouble to have weight-loss surgery to stall at where I am now. I didn't go to all that trouble to gain the weight back because I eat crap because that's what's easiest. I NEED to get back to losing weight, need to get healthier. But I must say one thing - it's a big, refreshing change to be able to think about weight loss like a "normal" person instead of a hugely overweight one. For so many years, I started all weight-loss efforts already convinced that I was doomed to fail because I had so much weight to lose. Now, I know I can do it, if I just put forth the effort. And it's still up to me to put forth that effort, the band won't do it for me. So - y'all remind me when I falter that I CAN DO THIS!!!!! I CAN say no to Hershey kisses. I CAN see the backside of 200 pounds and never hit that weight ever again. I CAN buy smaller, prettier clothes before the year is up!!!
So in a nutshell, here's what I hope to accomplish in 2005: Get weight loss back on track. Get my house dejunked and organized and clean. Get closure some way or another regarding my relationship with K - I don't still want to be in this holding pattern this time next year. Straighten up my finances - pinch pennies until they scream, and build up a little savings account. Have employment that, if it isn't something I'm absolutely passionate about, is at least something I enjoy (I'm keeping an eye out for a research/investigations position where I am now, that would be exceedingly cool). Laugh more and stress less. Enjoy the time with my son, remembering that he won't be small forever.
Here's to a new and improved year, and a new and improved me. Perhaps I'll post pictures when I get it figured out, so y'all can see where I started and where I am now (a work in progress, but still an improvement).