Monday, January 31, 2005

Vanity, thy name is woman...

I told y'all I had that little blob zapped off my leg last Monday, right? Seemed to be healing up all right. Well, I'm not sure what happened, but all the stitches pulled out last night. OW, OW, OW. K stayed with J, and I wrapped up my bleeding leg and drove myself to the ER. I appreciated that K was staying with J, and told him that would be better than all of us going to the ER - it was getting late, J had skipped his nap, and it would have been hell on wheels trying to keep him contained at the ER. But it sure was a lonely thing, driving myself through the rain last night. Anyway, the stitches popped out, and the nurse checked me out pretty quickly. The cold rag and towel wrapped tightly on it (with an Ace bandage - credit to K for that idea, I couldn't figure out how to keep the rag on the cut, and he suggested that) had stopped the bleeding, so they were in no hurry to get to me after that. And the ER was PACKED. *sigh* Over four hours and a $50 co-pay later, the doctor told me that they couldn't sew the incision back up, that since it had been more than 24 hours since the original incision, it would be likely to abscess if they sewed it back up. So basically, put some gauze and tape on it, and let it heal up on its own. I was all nice and neatly stitched up, and now I'm going to end up with a rather substantial scar. Feh. Maybe I'd have been better off just leaving the damn blob there. And it hurts rather a bit. I didn't get to bed until after 1:00, and J woke up at 3:45 with a poo (he'd gone to sleep at 7:45, thankfully he was open to the idea of going back to sleep - I'd have choked if he'd been up for the day at 3:45!). I was so tired, and my leg was hurting so, that I decided to call in sick this morning. I dropped J off at daycare, and came home and slept from about 7:45 to 12:15. Guess I needed the rest!

Now I'm goofing around here, and watching Bubba-Hotep. It's pretty funny, if you want some good mindless entertainment!

Saturday night - dinner with C. We had a really nice time. :) Good dinner, too.

My leg hurts, I think I'll get off of here and go lay down. That seems to be the only way this doesn't hurt. I hope it heals up quick, this is damned annoying!!!!

Friday, January 28, 2005


I'm hoping I haven't shot myself in the foot at work. Such a big deal was made over Internet use, and I've been pretty good about keeping mine to a minimum. But today, my manager came by to drop off my pay stub, and there I was, online, big as Dallas. *SIGH* He didn't say anything, I didn't say anything, and I just kept right on working like nothing had happened. I just hope I haven't put myself in a bad spot. I'll have to be more careful in the future.

A letter to K.

I seem to have a hard time getting across what I mean when I'm talking to K, so I'm going to try to put my thoughts in writing here, as if I were writing a letter to him. He may never see it, but if I organize my thoughts in written form, maybe they'll come out better in spoken form.


First, let me start by saying that I really am sorry you're bothered by the idea or the actuality of me going out. If we've managed to muddle through this separation for as long as we have without doing each other bodily harm, I think (and I'd hope) you know that I want to keep things amicable, I do value your friendship, and I don't want to do anything in a spirit of spite or malice to intentionally hurt you. I hope you know that.

But going out - not often, just occasionally - is something I'd really like to do. Why, you ask, can't I wait a little bit longer? Well, I like knowing that someone wants to pay attention to me, wants to spend time in my presence. There's probably no way to say what I'm going to say without sounding like a bitch, but I'm not saying it in a spirit of meanness. I'm not doing this to "get back" at you for anything, but the fact is, when you were spending so much time with JG, it seemed to me like you went out and did what you wanted with very little regard for how I might feel about it. Yes, there were times that you asked if it was OK, and yes, I said it was. But I felt like if I'd put my foot down and said, "hell no, you can't go," I'd have come across as the bitchy, nagging wife who didn't respect your need for time to yourself, and you'd have resented me for that. So it was let you do what you wanted, or be resented as a shrewish wife - seemed to me like I'd get the short end of that stick either way it went. I knew you needed a certain amount of time on your own, and I tried my best to respect that, even when I wanted to say, no, dammit, stop spending time with her and come home and spend time with your wife and son. But when you went out driving with her for 6, 8, 10, 12 hours at a time, when y'all went hiking all day long on a Saturday, I don't think it ever crossed your mind to be concerned about how I might be feeling at your extended absences. And when you realized how you were feeling about her, at a time when we did still have a marriage that might could have been saved had that been what we wanted to do, you didn't think of me and back away from the relationship. Instead, you told me how you felt about her and kept on seeing her. You might be thinking, but Lisa, you were OK with that. I was OK with it only because I'd realized you weren't going to stop seeing her at that time, no matter what I said, and I could either let myself be hurt by it or I could not let it hurt me. I opted not to let it hurt me.

I want to go out at this point because I feel like my life has been pretty much devoid of affection since you met JG. You put so much of yourself into that friendship, I felt like there wasn't anything left for me, even before the separation came up. I felt like all your consideration and affection and concern went to her. Maybe that was because she wasn't the little human bulldozer that I am, maybe she just evoked that protective instinct in you where I don't so much, I don't know. Do you remember me telling you on different occasions that you were taking me for granted? I do. I'd finally get upset enough that I felt compelled to say something, and I'd cry, and tell you that, and you'd say, yes, you were, and you'd apologize. But nothing would change. I didn't feel like I ever got kisses or hugs just because, I felt like the only time you expressed any physical affection toward me was when you wanted sex. I felt like I had to ask for affection, and I was just too damned proud to do it - I thought that should come naturally if I meant to you what I should as a wife. And if I didn't mean to you what a wife should mean, I wasn't going to beg and I wasn't going to keep you somewhere you didn't want to be. But I miss the affection. I miss getting a little attention from someone who's really interested in spending time with me, in what I have to say, in what's on my mind.

Remember you said once that you missed the excitement of discovering something new about someone, that the sparkle and that thrill of discovery was gone in our relationship because we'd known each other so long? Ideally, once the new wears off a long-term relationship, the sparkle will be replaced by something deeper and more enduring. But you missed the sparkle, and you went looking for it elsewhere. It started as a friendship but turned into something more, and I don't know if you really realize how much damage that did to our marriage, and how hard it would be for me to ever repair that. I guess this is getting off the original topic of why I want to go out, but maybe it relates in a roundabout sort of way. The deal with JG hurt me, hurt us, a lot. I want to know that I can mean something to someone, even if it's just enough interest to ask me out for dinner. You and I have talked, and I've promised you that nothing sexual will happen with anyone else until things are settled between us, and it won't. And I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling the way you do, I'm not telling you to stop feeling that way. But I'm torn between wanting to keep the peace with you and wanting to do something for myself, that makes me happy and makes me feel good. So this may be one of those things we just have to disagree on, and we both may just have to cope with the fact that the other isn't completely at ease with the situation.


Thursday, January 27, 2005


My checking account is overdrawn again, I don't get paid until Monday. Will my finances *ever* get straightened out?! I'm so tired of constantly having to worry about them, of constantly being stressed over money. I could just cry. Getting paid twice a month instead of every two weeks really blows chunks. You wouldn't think it would make that much of a difference, but it does. I'm working on the tax return - hopefully I'll get a nice refund, but it's all going to pay property taxes. *SIGH*

I'm going to dinner with C on Saturday. This makes me happy. K and I had a big talk about how this makes him feel. This makes me sad. He said it really bothers him, he didn't know how much it would bother him when we agreed that it was OK to meet people and go out. He said it's made worse by the fact that C is someone I know, have known for a while. He said he felt like I didn't care what he thought about it, and it made him wonder if I cared what he thought about anything. He said he realized he's being a hypocrite, but he can't help the way he feels. Now how do I respond to that? I tried to explain my feelings on it, but I'm not sure I did a very good job. It's not that I don't care what he thinks - I must care, or I wouldn't even be bothered that he's bothered. I'm sorry he feels this way, I wish I could change that (OK, I suppose I could, if I did what he'd like me to do and didn't go out). Of course, the argument can be made that I must not care that much, or I'd respect his wishes. And so in that light, maybe I don't care, at least not about what he thinks of this particular thing. Maybe I *am* an insensitive bitch.

I realize that what I'm about to say could be construed as hurt feelings or sour grapes or something, but I don't intend it to be. He's upset by me going out with anyone now. Well, for a long time, that shoe was on my foot. I was upset about him spending so much time with JG. I tried to tell him that, but to no avail - I still felt like he'd cut and run whenever she called, with no regard for me, and I felt like all of his affection was channelled toward her with very little left for me. Sure, there were times he'd ask if it was OK for him to run off and do whatever and I'd say it was, but I thought I was trying to be respectful of his need for time to do his own thing when I said OK, go. I thought I'd be the nagging, bitchy wife if I always said, no, I'd prefer you stay here. So maybe in some roundabout way, this whole mess is all my fault anyway. If I'd put my foot down hard at some point, would the marriage have been salvageable? Or would he have seen me as a controlling, nagging, unreasonable wife and felt more and more stifled? I guess we'll never know now. But part of me thinks, well, this is a case of what goes around, comes around - all that time with JG and the harm it did to our marriage is coming around. I'm sorry K is finding out how I felt. It was a pretty rotten way to feel, and I don't wish it on anyone. And I can't tell him he's wrong to feel that way - he's entitled to feel whatever he wants, and I don't think any guy worth his salt would be OK seeing his separated wife, or ex-wife, even, going out with someone else. But I'm not saying, OK, let me go along with what you want, I'll just not go out right now. Maybe I really am an insensitive bitch. But if that's the case, why do I feel so bad about it?

I'm talking in circles. It's late, I think I'll just go to bed before I lose the ability to form complete sentences.

Just a day.

It's Thursday. It's kind of cool-ish. It's just a day.

I did find out that I'm done with my proactives for January - wooooooo hooooooo!!! Exceeding expectations, that's me. :)

I watched Bruce Almighty last night, the movie where Jim Carrey is given all of God's powers for a while. It took me a little bit to get into it, but it turned out to be a funny little movie. I enjoyed it.

Daycare drop-off continues to be a bit of a struggle, although it wasn't quite as bad as usual this morning. Still, it makes me tired.

This post in The Good Husband's blog got me to thinking. Do all guys really need to be asked or told to do things? Do men not have the initiative to see when something needs to be done and do it? If a man sees that his significant other is in a situation where she could use the help, can he not jump in and help? That's kind of what the post brought to mind, making me think that men are just big helpless lumps who can't act without direction. Surely that can't be true, can it? ;-) But what if a woman is really independent? Guys, do you wait to be asked for help if you think she can handle something by herself? Do you hold back from helping for fear of her getting insulted and taking your assistance as a sign that she can't handle the situation? Do you help, not because she needs the help, but because you think she might appreciate it? I'm pretty darned independent and pretty inclined to do things myself, and this is something I'd really like to know. If I end up with someone else down the road, will I have to constantly ask for help, tell him what to do, make him feel needed, and never expect spontaneous gestures of helpfulness? If that's the case, I'll either need to work on that tendency of mine to bulldoze ahead with things or just be single forever. LOL

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Absolute insanity.

That's what this day has turned into. I went to the doctor this morning about my wrists - biggest waste of time ever. I was going through the workers' comp process at work, and the doctor I saw basically told me that he couldn't tell me much since my wrists weren't hurting today. He pretty much said, you're fine, just pay attention to how you're sitting at the computer, take some Advil if it hurts, and come back if it gets really bad. Gee, thanks, that was worth missing the better part of a morning at work for. If it hurts again, screw workers' comp, I'm going to my regular doctor.

Then our team went out for a birthday lunch for one of my co-workers - nice lunch, but we were gone for two hours. There goes the morning.

Now I'm back, I have callbacks and reviews that are going to expire if I don't do something with them today and research to do, and I haven't even looked at my inbox. And it's 2:00 already. AACK. I'm trying to figure out what *has* to get done today and tackle that first. It sucks when your job can get so insane that you dread taking time off for any reason.

More later....

Tuesday, January 25, 2005


I feel like I've been offline forever. My home computer is in desperate need of memory. I keep losing my online connection, and it's so slow when I do manage to stay on for more than two minutes at a time that it's not worth the effort to keep trying to reconnect. So probably no posting from home until the memory is upgraded.

Let's see, what all has happened? Probably quite a lot, but I'm playing catch-up at work (was out yesterday, more on that in a minute), so I'll just hit the high points.

*Out yesterday - thought I'd kill two birds with one stone and take care of two appointments, first, seeing about my wrist pain and second, having a little blob removed from my leg. My wrist pain didn't get checked out - I'm going through the workers' comp process at work, and no one bothered to tell me they'd have to investigate first before they could give authorization. (What's to investigate?! I type all day, my wrists have started hurting, they used to hurt less, now they hurt more. There, done.) And of course the doc couldn't diagnose me without authorization. So that was wasted effort. I did use my day off to good advantage, though - took some more things to Once Upon A Child and Half Price Books, got a little cash, had a tiny bit of time to myself, and then saw the dermatologist at 3:00. I liked her - I'd recommend her if anyone is looking for a dermatologist in the Dallas area! I had this little fatty blob taken off my inner thigh - nothing wrong with it, it doesn't hurt, it's not malignant, it's been there for years. It's just oogy, and I was tired of looking at it. So I got that zapped off - it's sore today, but it was no big deal.

*C called (he's the guy I was supposed to go to dinner with last weekend). :) I figured he would, if I just laid low and let him go at his own speed. (I may have mentioned before, he's very deliberate in his actions.) He'd left a message on my cell phone Sunday evening, and I called him back yesterday. (On the message he said he knew it might be short notice, but he wanted to see if he could steal me away for dinner. I thought that was sweet. Points for spontaneity, minus points for not remembering that a single mom might not have the option of spontaneity! LOL) We talked for a bit. He's out of town part of this week on business (he started his own law practice last year), but he said he'd call when he got back and we'd make plans to go out. (Am I reading too much into it, or does "go out" sound more like a date than not? I know we're friends, but if it were me talking to a friend, I think I'd be more inclined to talk in terms of "getting together" than "going out". I know, I'm probably way overanalyzing this.) So we'll see! I'm just happy that he called.

*J is very much into "no". Seems like most everything these days requires an exertion of will on my part, and that's very tiring. I'm trying, though, to take time whenever possible to explain to him why things need to be done the way I'm asking him to do them, why I want him not to do certain things, and so on. I'm trying really hard not to fall into "because I'm your mother and I told you so", and not to let him push me until I snap and yell. Neither of those are good for him in the long run. But it sure does take a lot of energy to try to guide my willful, stubborn, opinionated little man.

*I have my last quarterly review for 2004 with my manager at 11:00. Yikes. I think I've improved since last time, I hope he sees it the same way. Wish me luck!

More later....

Friday, January 21, 2005

Pretty damn funny

The Best (?) Newspaper Headlines

I'd love to be able to read some of the actual stories!

Something strange

I went to Bath Junkie on Monday to spend Christmas cash, right? I had a grand time doing it - got salt scrub, two different scents of bubble bath and some lovely shea butter cream, as well as a scent stash for my car. One of the bottles of bubble bath was a bright pink, made that color at my request. It's been sitting in my bathroom since then, and this morning I noticed the bubble bath is clear now, no longer bright pink. What the...????? The other bottle is still the peach shade it was dyed. They're sitting right next to each other. I've not used either of them yet, and I have NO idea how or why the color disappeared from the pink bubble bath. It's a mystery and a puzzle. It still smells good, it's just not pink. Veeeeeery strange.

To call or not to call

The dinner date that wasn't - talked to him on Monday after he'd left me a couple of messages, he said we'd talk soon, haven't heard since then. I think I'm better off letting things lie, letting him call me, rather than me calling him. What do y'all think?

Wallow in the pity pit.

It's a Friday that feels like a Monday. The day started off with a screamfest at daycare. It was one of those mornings where J had to be restrained by one of the teachers to keep him from running out the door after me. I could hear him wailing all the way down the stairs. I got in the car and just sobbed. It rips my heart out to leave him like that. I called about half an hour later and checked on him, and he was fine. He always is, but still, that doesn't make it any easier.

Then there was traffic. The highway I normally take was shut down - big wreck, fuel spill, etc. - and traffic was backed up to kingdom come. It was backed up to just about 15 miles from my house, which meant I'd be waiting a LONG time if I'd stayed there. So I cut across to the interstate, which made for a long trip, but it beat sitting still. I came dragging in to work around 9:00, finally. I called to let them know I'd be late and why, and I'm sure someone somewhere will see that and penalize me for being tardy. I think that's kind of silly when you're late for a reason totally out of your control - traffic happens, and none of us have any control over that, give it a rest.

And now there's my wrists. They've been hurting off and on for a while, and this morning my right wrist hurts so much, it's hurting down into my fingers. OW. I called my doctor - the earliest she can see me is Monday morning at 8:00. I had another appointment scheduled for that afternoon, so I decided to just take the day off. My second appointment is up here close to work, so I'll still have to make my drive in, but that's OK. I probably shouldn't be typing so much, but it's part of my job, and besides, I want to write.

I've given up on the sidebar stuff on my blog for now. I'll mess with it later.

Private practice - thoughts. I've got to decide if this is something I really want to do or not. Pros: more flexibility, no one to answer to but myself and my clients (well, and the State Bar, of course), the potential to do really well for myself. Cons: no financial reserves to fall back on during the start-up period, no way I can think of to get those reserves, no real solid experience to build on, no client base to bring with me. That's what I come up with off the top of my head. A friend assures me that if I decide this is really what I want to do, things will fall into place much more easily than I might think, and that may be the case. But it's a big step, especially when I'm not just responsible for myself. I've got to be able to take care of J, too. I have a hard time stepping out on faith that all will work out when it's such a very big step and when the consequences are so major if I fail. I mean, if I'm broke, I can't pay for daycare, can't pay for utilities, can't pay the house note - what would we do, go live in a box?! The women I've talked to who started their own practices when they had children had the security of a spouse who made a really good salary and enough savings to tide them over if the first few months were lean. They also came from private practice and had clients who were likely to follow them, and practical experience in their areas of practice. A former co-worker who's started his own practice told me his wife had to go back to work, and he hated that, but there again, it was a safety net from a financial perspective - she had the option to go back and bring in more money for the family while he got his business started. I have none of that. I've got only myself (although I know K would help me financially as much as he could, he'll have his own finances to tend to, and it's not like either of us is flush with cash), theoretical experience in my chosen field, and no clients who'll follow me. I'm not trying to be Captain Bringdown, I'm just trying to look at the facts objectively. Is the potential for the freedom of being my own boss, and the potential for a good income at some point in the future, enough to get me past the difficulties of starting up and finding clients and paying my essential bills? And I'm still trying to recover from bankruptcy, is now the time to leave a steady paycheck? I don't know. It rolls around in my head and never sees the light of day much, since I seem to more often be dealing with personal issues and child-related things. But the thought is still there.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

This is a bad day.

No, nothing particularly bad has happened. I'm just unmotivated, don't want to work, and can't seem to make myself care about my job right now. I'm hoping it's just because I'm tired. Tonight, no staying up late - when J settles, I'm going to bed. Whatever's on the computer will just have to wait, because I've got to get more sleep than I have been. Maybe a good night's rest (more than four hours' worth) will improve my outlook.


What's up with my blog?! All the stuff on the side has disappeared, in spite of my best efforts to restore it. I don't know if it's something with the profile, or what, but it's very annoying. Harrumph.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

How to be the perfect date

I found this article on AOL/ - guys, thoughts? Is this the way for a woman to be the perfect date? (For what it's worth, I can already talk somewhat sensibly about sports, love beer, and can cook - I think I'm the perfect woman. LOLOL)

(And does #10 really work, do guys eventually start picking up after themselves???)


How to be a great girlfriend in 10 easy steps

By Bob Strauss

To most guys, There's Something About Mary was the perfect film about the perfect girlfriend: Someone who drinks beer, loves sports, smiles sweetly in the face of infantile behaviour and looks like Cameron Diaz. Granted, there's nothing you can do about the Cameron Diaz part, but here are some tips for turning yourself into the kind of gal that prompts guys to ask, "Why can't the women I date be as cool as her?"

1. Know the league rules. Want to make a guy's jaw drop? Give him your blow-by-blow of the Arsenal/Man U showdown. Earn him a few quid on your World Cup predictions, and he'll propose to you faster than David Beckham's latest Lamborghini.

2. Lose the coasters. These little frisbee things are the bane of a guy's existence; if you insist that he use one, you can't help but come off like a proper miss at a girl's academy. Which would you rather have: A boyfriend, or a smudge-free coffee table?

3. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they're stupid — especially if they're stupid — a guy's jokes are an irreplaceable token of his manhood. If you don't laugh, it's just like waving around a pair of knitting needles. Extra points if you fake a giggle fit in front of his mates.

4. Share the wealth. Speaking of his friends, if you follow all the tips listed here, they're going to be very jealous that the two of you are an item — so coax out your single female pals every now and then and let everyone mingle. If nothing else, it's good karma.

5. Let him get lost. No, don't throw him out of the house. The next time you're out driving, and your boyfriend refuses to ask for directions, cut him some slack. Losing his way on the M5 is the closest he may ever get to the adrenaline thrill of skiing the Alps.

6. Flatter his ego. Whenever your boyfriend tells his latest tiresome tale about slaying some work-related ogre — or starts wondering whether, deep down, he's really suited for life as an epic poet — just tell him he's terrific and you believe in him 100 percent. Even if you don't.

7. Know when to stay home. No guy will come right out and say it — at least, no guy who wants to keep all his body parts — so if you pay extra-careful attention to your boyfriend's mood, you'll know when he wants to spend a night out with the gang by himself.

8. Buy a round. If you do happen to be out with the gang, buying the next pitcher — or, better yet, turning everyone on to the kind of fancy drink (like Cosmopolitans) that only girls seem to know about — will instantly establish your cool-chick credentials.

9. Wear a baseball cap. You know how naturalists, when they want to infiltrate a pack of hyenas, dress in fur pelts? Not only will a baseball cap make you look sexy — especially if you wear it backward — but it'll do a lot to increase your boyfriend's comfort level.

10. Don't sweat the small stuff. The list is too extensive to include here, but are loose toenail clippings, unwashed towels, and torn jeans really worth a full-blown argument? Go with the flow, and you'll be surprised how often your boyfriend cleans up his dirty habits all by himself.

Snips and snails and puppy dog tails...

And spontaneous combustion, that's what little boys are made of. Tonight the topic of debate was pajamas - he decided he didn't want them on, "I'd rather be naked!" (He is such a boy.) So we had a knock-down-drag-out over being clothed, and by the time the jammies were on, it was too late for the usual pre-bedtime TV watching. When he asked to watch Elmo and I told him no, we'd used up our TV time by trying to get out of putting our pajamas on, there went nuclear meltdown round 2. *SIGH* He screamed for a good 10 minutes before finally letting out one last half-hearted "no", grabbing his blanket, and heading off to bed saying "night night time." Baby boy. We read the cookie mouse book (If You Give A Mouse A Cookie) and he finally settled down. And he said "I luff you" before going off to sleep - that does make up for a world of tantrums. :-) Hard work, but I wouldn't trade the baby moose for anything.

Since then, it's been laundry and cleaning the kitchen and computer time and a bottle of Guinness and staying up later than is prudent. Just call me our lady of perpetual tiredness. A childless friend at work asked another friend at work (who has FOUR kids) how he did it. He said he just took his vitamins and kept going, and tried not to stop and think about it too much. And that's pretty much what it takes to be a parent, especially one who works full-time - just keep going and doing what needs to be done.

On a completely unrelated note - back to the date that wasn't. I've talked to him since then, we last talked on Monday and he said he'd talk to me soon. I'm not calling, I'm waiting for him to call. Good idea or bad? Based on past experience, he tends to be more interested (or at least it seems that way to me) if he doesn't hear from me first, if he's the one taking the lead. So I'm going with that for now.

Seems like I had more on my mind to write about, but it's left me now. I'm waiting for this last load of laundry to dry - I'm thinking it will soon be time for a new dryer, this one doesn't seem to be working quite so well anymore. (Great, something else out of the ordinary to pay for.) Oh well, if any of my seemingly important thoughts come back to me, I'll share later.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005


I've just discovered a new addiction: Starbucks now offers something called Chantico drinking chocolate. It comes in a little bitty cup (6 ounces), but it's sooooo rich that much more than that would probably just make you feel sick. It's like drinking a liquid Hershey bar. I may try to stick my head in the cup and lick it to get the last bits, it's so good! LOLOL

Just tired...

It's such a Monday. Last night J didn't want to sleep. He was out of his bed at least four times, maybe five, I lost count. He was awake until almost 11:00. YOW. And he was up at 5:30 this morning. Needless to say, he was a sobbing, screaming mess when I dropped him off at daycare this morning. If I wasn't so tired, I'd have cried myself.

And now I'm at work. This is one of those days where I'm finding it very hard to motivate myself to do anything, much less be enthusiastic about it. I'm counting the hours until quittin' time....

Sunday, January 16, 2005

The best laid plans...

Well, I ended up not having my nice dinner tonight. He called and told me he'd gotten sick, didn't want to chance giving it to me and J. *SIGH* He said we'd reschedule soon, he's got a wedding to go to next weekend but we'll figure out a good time. I was rather disappointed, even though I really can do without catching cooties right now (even if I'd had fun catching them! LOL). I saw that he'd called my cell this evening, but since J has been on such a tear (see below), I haven't had a chance to call back. It's late now, guess that will have to wait until tomorrow. I did think it was sweet that he called, though - just to see how I was doing, said the voice mail. :)

And it's been a no-nap weekend for J. Last night bedtime was a breeze, he went right to bed when it was time, was asleep in a flash. Tonight? He was cranky all evening, took a dislike to his pajamas ("no, be nekkid!"), tried to negotiate for more TV when I told him it was time to turn it off, and had a thermonuclear meltdown when the negotiations didn't turn out the way he was hoping. *SIGH* It took 30 minutes, at least, to get him settled down. But he's sleeping now, and hopefully he'll sleep all night like he has been.

Tomorrow I have a big day of shopping and sleeping planned - I'm off, I'm taking J to school, and it will be mama's mental health day. I'm going to Bath Junkie to use some of my Christmas gift cards. Should be fun!

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Goin' somewhere nice!

Looking forward to dinner tomorrow - we're going somewhere quite nice, and it wasn't my idea. :-) I've said it before, I'm not expecting a blessed thing other than a nice dinner and good conversation and maybe a hug. I'll be sure to update and let y'all know how it goes.

J opted for no nap today. He bounced up and down for a while, then climbed out of bed twice, and that was the end of that. By the end of the evening he'd been up for 14 hours and was so tired he could barely stand up, and it took him about a minute and a half to fall asleep when I put him in bed. So the big boy bed is going well, with the exception of the nap thing. I'm hoping he'll eventually realize that he *can* take a nap in the big bed. Oh, and we've also discovered that if he plays "boom" on the bed (that being, he stands up, I nudge him very gently with one finger, and he falls over - he thinks it's great fun!), the slats under the mattress fall out. AARGH. Time to go to Home Depot and cut a piece of plywood to fit under the mattress.

I watched a movie tonight that probably ranks in the top five most underwhelming movies I've ever seen (Swimming Pool also falls in this category - yawn). Tonight I watched Ju-On, a Japanese horror film, complete with subtitles, that was supposed to be scary as all get out. Our local movie critic just raved about it. Hmph. He must have been smoking something really good, because I just didn't get it. I was decidedly underwhelmed. I tend to scare pretty easily, at least at scary movies, and this just didn't do it. It was basically 90 minutes of people jumping out and saying "boo". Maybe I'm just a cultural ignoramus, but I say give it a miss if you haven't seen it.

Time for bed - I need my beauty rest for my date tomorrow. ;-)

Friday, January 14, 2005

50 First Dates

I just finished watching this. I'm not a huge fan of Adam Sandler, or Drew Barrymore, either, but I liked The Wedding Singer so I thought I'd give this a look. What a good little movie! Not Oscar-winning material by any means, but a funny, sweet, sad movie that made me cry. (Yeah, deep down I really am a mushy, squishy, girly girl. And people think I'm so logical and practical. ;-) ) Seriously, can you imagine loving someone so much that you'd be willing to basically rebuild your relationship every day because they didn't remember from one day to the next? That boggles the mind (mine, anyway).

Now that I'm all sniffly and weepy, I think I'll get some sleep.

Bitch and whine

I really, really, really hate clients who call repeatedly before I get a chance to call them back. I have one client who calls at least once a week, if not more often. He called yesterday, I was away from my desk. We have a 24-hour callback standard, which means I have until 2:30 this afternoon to call him back. Today he's already called 2 more times. I'm like, will ya just freakin' wait until I call back?! And he's one who won't talk to anyone but ME, his assigned officer. He won't tell the officers who are the front line when it comes to answering the phones a thing about what he wants, just insists that he has to talk to me. It might be a question they could help him with (they're qualified to do what I do, and some of them have been here for ages and probably know a heck of a lot MORE than I do), but noooooo, he must talk to me. If it's that damned important that he has to call back three times, why doesn't he tell them what's going on and let them help? That's why they're here!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

Am I a bad person?

Back when all this separation stuff first came up, K and I talked and agreed that it was OK to meet new people, go out for coffee, dinner, etc. He went out a few times, but somewhere along the way decided he'd rather not do anything right now, that our status was uncertain enough that he'd feel more comfortable waiting until things were a bit more settled. I can respect that, and it's certainly his choice.

My problem is, he's said that he'd prefer I not date until after we're divorced. (Who knows when that will be?) He's said he can't tell me what to do, but that's his preference. And I feel like every time I go out, even something as simple as dinner, I end up feeling like he's somehow a better person than me because he's not going out at all, like he's taking the moral high ground and I'm just a bad person. Am I? I'm not actively looking to meet new people, but if someone I know (like my former co-worker) asks me out, I'd like to be able to go and not get the guilt trip from K about it. I feel like he's trying to change the rules mid-game - we agreed it was OK to go out early on, and now he's saying, hey, wait, I'm not OK with that after all. Is it wrong of me to think that's just a tad bit unfair? Is it wrong of me to want to go out, to enjoy a little attention and have a good time? (And for what it's worth, if he were to go out with someone this weekend, I'd tell him, go, have a good time, and I'd mean it - guess he and I are just wired differently in that regard.)

K asked me why I couldn't/wouldn't just wait until things were final to date (I think he and I have a different view of what constitutes "dating" - to him, going out to dinner means you're dating, not dating someone exclusively, but dating - to me, you aren't "dating" in the sense that I understand the word unless you're seeing someone pretty exclusively and pretty often, to me an evening out at dinner doesn't equal dating - but there again, maybe it's me who's wrong, I don't know). So I've thought about it. And I've come to the conclusion that I want to go out because I'm (and this sounds pathetic, but it's true) starved for affection. Even before the separation issue came up, K was devoting so much of his time and affection and attention to JG that I didn't feel like there was any left for me. I felt like furniture, something he noticed if I could be useful to him but something to step around the rest of the time. I told him that, told him he took me for granted - he agreed, but nothing changed. He kept on asking how high when JG said jump, and that did a lot of damage. In many ways, it would have been less painful if he'd just slept with her. But he got emotionally involved, to the exclusion of me, and that's what did the harm. Anyway, I felt like I was getting no attention from him for such a long time, I felt like I never got kisses or hugs (and I got to the point where I wasn't going to ask for them anymore, seems like if you love someone you should at least occasionally make a spontaneous gesture of physical affection), felt like he didn't demonstrate any affection physically unless he wanted sex (and I may not have been the most enthusiastic partner, or the most talented, but I never said no and I don't think I ever made him feel like a burden or an inconvenience about it). So my life has been devoid of affection from just about anyone other than my son for so long that I really, really miss it. I'd like to get a hug or a kiss just because someone thinks I'm cute. I'd like to know that someone is interested enough in what I have to say to sit down to dinner with me and listen when I talk, talk while I listen. And that's why I'd like to go out just a little bit now. It's not a frequent thing, not once a week, not even once a month - very occasional. But I always end up feeling like I'm doing something wrong by doing that, and it's not fair, especially since I feel like the rules are being changed on me in the middle of the game.

So am I a bad person? Just stupid and insensitive to K's feelings? Whatever your thoughts, lay 'em on me - I'm a big girl, I can take it.

It's a good day!

The day is already off to a good start. When I got here, a co-worker told me that Chick-Fil-A across the street had free samples of chicken and biscuits. Of course I couldn't pass that up. And when I got back from my brisk walk across the way (it's pretty chilly here this morning!), I found that some nice person had left a pair of Old Navy pants, navy blue, size 4T (J's size), new with tags, on my desk! I have no idea who left them, and no one around me saw anything. But what a lovely thing for someone to do! And J has picture day coming up next week - the navy pants will look nice with the shirt I'd planned for him to wear.

Let's just hope the day continues in this same vein!

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Another question for the guys

OK, men, I need your insight again. A former co-worker has asked me out to dinner. A bit of background: he and I worked together for four years, give or take. (This was at the job I held right before the one I have now.) He left for a new job, then I left for this one. I'd had a dreadful crush on him when I first started there - this was before my weight loss surgery, before J was born, when I was still fat, repressed, shy little Lisa. I told myself it was wrong, I was married, I didn't want to feel that way, and I talked myself out of it. (K is amazed at my ability to compartmentalize and just will myself out of something like that.) I wasn't necessarily *happy* in my marriage at the time (although my discontent didn't really start creeping in until after J was born, before that I was fairly OK and still committed to the marriage), but I certainly didn't want to do anything to trash it. (Besides, at the time I didn't think any guy in his right mind, other than the one I'd married who loved me just the way I was, would be even slightly interested in me.) So I talked myself out of the crush, and went on. After we'd both left the old job,we kept saying, oh, we should get together sometime. We were friends, after all - we'd worked in the same unit for a while, and we got along well. So we eventually got together for dinner one weekend (when was this, back in August or September or thereabouts? Several months ago, sometime when the weather was warm, I'm sure I have it written down in my handwritten journal), and as we were walking out to our respective cars, he grabbed my hand and kissed me. Totally out of the blue. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Long story short, this led to a makeout session of crazed-teenager proportions. I told him I'd had a crush on him, and he said he'd felt the same way, only he never thought of doing anything, I was married, etc. (this was before the separation, which happened while we both still worked there - he and I had talked just a bit about it). He said he'd call, etc., and then he kind of freaked out on me - didn't call, we didn't talk for a while. I'm pretty sure the weirdness of me being separated but not divorced got to him there for a bit (he's single, never been married - was engaged, but they broke it off, and from what he's told me, that's probably for the best - not good if you're fighting all the time *before* you're married). But we're both attorneys, we see each other at lawyer things sporadically, and we're friends. So I just laid low and let him decide when he felt like talking - I didn't call, didn't e-mail, and eventually he resurfaced. (Ooh, I'm just irresistible! LOL And modest, too! LOL) He had jury duty downtown three or so months ago (which is where I work), he called then, and we went out to lunch practically every day he was down here for that. And now he's asking about dinner. My question is: how in the wide world of sports do I interpret this? My gut instinct is to go into the evening with zero expectations other than dinner with a friend. But I can't help thinking, he knows my situation, it hasn't materially changed, and he's doing the asking - I am so not pushing this. (He actually brought it up a few weeks ago, before Christmas - called me, we talked for a bit, and he then said there was something he wanted to ask about, but wasn't sure if it would make things more difficult for me with K, and said he'd been wanting to ask me out to dinner. Again, I've not pushed - at the time I told him I'd love to go out to dinner anytime, but that I'd let him decide when he felt comfortable asking, and I've let him bring it up.) So, in y'all's expert guy opinions, what's on his mind? (I realize this is total speculation on y'all's part, being as how none of you know me in real life or him at all, and you're only going on what I've told you - that's all right, I just want a male point of view on it.) He's a very deliberate person, and I've never known him to do anything without giving it thought or to act rashly or on impulse. So part of me can't help but think, well, hmm, maybe there's more to it. Thoughts?


Tomorrow is payday, and my checking account is officially still in the black!!!! There's nothing else outstanding, I've already set up all of my bills for electronic payment, and I'll have a bit left after that. See, this just proves I do make enough to make ends meet, my problem is discretionary spending getting away from me and not having a cash reserve for emergencies. Hmm, how best to work on that??? I'm just thrilled not to be getting an overdraft notice right before payday this time. What a refreshing change!

Just another day in paradise

There really isn't much exciting going on today. Work is work - I've gotten a few things taken care of, gotten to work on a research project, done some routine administrative things, and now I'm just running out of steam. I like the research projects I get to do. I'm keeping an eye out for positions with the areas/departments that are responsible for that sort of thing - that would be a cool job (even if it wasn't technically a legal job).

J had a screaming meltdown at daycare this morning. He's been that way every day this week. *SIGH* When I leave, he just screams and sobs, with tears running down his face. I don't know how to make it any better. He's fine about it all the way there - excited about school, practically jumping out of the car to get there. But when we get into the building, he gets very clingy and doesn't want me to leave. I'm baffled. And it just breaks my heart to walk away from him screaming. I worry that I'm doing him some kind of profound psychological damage, and I wish I could stay home with him.

Other than that, I'm just counting the hours until quittin' time and wondering whether I should walk across the street and treat myself to a peppermint mocha.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005


I have no chocolate at my desk. I am sorely tempted to have some chocolate. I want the chocolate. Logically I know I'm full - I'm not HUNGRY. I'm an emotional eater - stress and boredom make me prone to stuff my mouth with any snack food that's near to hand. And right now my body doesn't need the chocolate, but my mind wants it. So in keeping with my determination not to let my weight-loss surgery go for naught (i.e., to keep losing weight and not gain it all back), I have RESISTED the lure of the M&M's in the snack machine!!!! I'm drinking water instead. Will not give in, will not give in.... I'm proud of myself. :-)

Music and mayhem

Music: I've recently found a CD I like very, very much. The album is Horse of a Different Color, by Big & Rich. I heard a couple of the songs on a local country station and decided to give it a try. It's not strictly "country" country, it has a touch of hard rock and rap thrown in, and some of the vocal harmonies are just outstanding. (And they seem to have a wickedly funny streak, too!) I think my favorite song on the album is "Live This Life":

I'll live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore,
And then I'll walk, yes, I will walk with patience through that open door.
I have no fear, angels follow me wherever I may go,
I'll live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore.

Mayhem: I'm helping out with a troublesome account. It was one of mine, but another unit is actually handling the closing since it's something extremely out of the ordinary. Let's just say that family things can get so messy when there's money involved. I'm glad I'm an only child! LOL

Back to work....

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Progress, Gmail and other miscellanea

J was asleep before 10:00 tonight. Progress! I'm hopeful that once he gets used to his new space, bedtime will be easier. He likes to sit in the bed and read with me - I love that. :) Now if we can just work on daycare drop-offs.... This morning when I dropped him off, he was literally sobbing, with tears pouring down his face. *SIGH* Mornings like that just break my heart.

I've got four more Gmail invites, if anyone is interested - just e-mail me with your first and last names (Gmail requires that I have that to send an invite), and I'll zip one out to you!

Here's a question for the guys: How do you act around a woman if you're interested or find her attractive? I'm getting some strange vibes from a guy I work with, and I've ignored my intuition for so long, I don't trust my hunches much further than I can throw them. So I thought I'd toss out that question and see what comes back. I feel just a little stupid even suspecting, but what are journals for if not to write down things you feel stupid even thinking? LOL

New Year's goal #1: No more late-night snacking. It's not helping my weight loss (which is stalled at the moment), and it's not good for me. So I will not graze after J goes to sleep. I'm going to try to drink water instead - I need to do more of that anyway.

And now, off to bed. As J would say, mama go night-night.

Today's online fortune cookie

"You will soon meet a dark stranger."

Well. Isn't that vague?! And it doesn't say if it will be a good meeting or a bad one. Me, I'm not holding my breath.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Just another day....

Well, once J got to sleep in his new bed, he did sleep all night. It was so funny - this morning I found him sleeping pressed up against the bed rail, just like he'd sleep pressed up against one side of his crib. I guess it will take him some time to get used to the notion of having all that space to move around in. He was SO not happy when I woke him up this morning (although he was going a mile a minute as soon as his feet hit the floor), and he sobbed when I dropped him off at daycare. I'm thinking he was just tired, since he only got about 7 1/2 hours of sleep. Hopefully bedtime will be a bit easier tonight, if they don't let him take too much of a nap at daycare.

Other than being tired, it's pretty much just a day. I'd better get back to it. Work does tend to pile up when I'm out of the office, even if it's just for one day.

The big boy bed and the very busy day

I don't think I've stopped all day. After I got the bed frame put together this morning, I cleaned up around the house so the delivery guys would be able to get through. Then I went and ran errands, including getting the oil changed in my car. I learned that I needed a new serpentine belt, as mine was just about shot - great, there went $70 I didn't plan to spend. Oh well, I guess that's better than having it break and leave me stranded somewhere inconvenient. Picked up dinner from Subway, picked J up from daycare, and arrived home to find the mattress delivery guys in my driveway, EARLY. Woo hoo!

J loves his big bed. He climbed on it and bounced so hard, he flipped himself over backward. He also bounced two of the slats out of the bottom of the bed and knocked one corner of the mattress through the frame and onto the floor. I'm thinking we may just need a board to go under it. He's already figured out how to get down past the bed rail - he came walking down the hall to see me. And he didn't settle down and sleep until about 10:45. Hopefully this will pass, and bedtime won't be this late every night. If it is, he and I will both be really cranky before long!

And on that note, I'm off to bed - I might be awakened by a little boy coming down the hall at 3 in the morning (although I really hope he sleeps all night)!

Big boy bed!

We have bed! Or at least the bed frame. I dropped J off at daycare this morning, came home, and converted the crib to a full-size bed. (Guys, don't you just love a girl who's handy with an allen wrench? LOL) It looks really nice - I sure hope J likes it, because I'm not putting the crib back together! All we need now is the mattress, and it won't be here until sometime between 6:15 and 8:15 tonight. Sheesh, if I'd known they were going to be that late, I wouldn't have taken the day off work! It's OK, though, I've got plenty to do that needs to be done.

And I'm mentally preparing myself for J totally not sleeping tonight - he'll be so excited, he'll be bouncing off the walls (we've been talking about his big boy bed since Christmas). I had to laugh - this morning I told him today was the day he'd get his big boy bed, that he was a big boy now, and that the crib was for little babies, so he didn't need to sleep in it anymore. I took him out of the crib (my back and shoulders are rejoicing at the thought of him being able to climb into and out of the big bed by himself!), and he pointed to the crib and said, "Little baby!" I asked him if he was a little baby, and he said, "Hum!" Silly boy. :) I'll try to write tomorrow about the first night with the big boy bed - here's hoping it goes well.

I've gotten his room squared away, now I have to clear a path for the delivery guys to get the mattress to his room. The to-do list for the rest of the day includes getting my oil changed, renewing the registration on my car, checking the mail, going by the grocery store (those four are essential), and dropping stuff off at Half Price Books and Once Upon a Child if I have time. I am SO loving cleaning crap out of my house! Granted, it gives me a little twinge to part with some of J's old things. But they're just things, and we can't keep them all. I'm hoping that by his third birthday I'll have all (or most) of my old junk out of there, and it will actually look like *his* room instead of mama's old junky room where he just happens to sleep.

Gotta dash, much to do and the time will go faster than I think!

Friday, January 07, 2005


I'm falling apart in my old age. Both shoulders hurt (no doubt from packing around a 2-year-old who's as big as your average 4-year-old!), my left wrist is doing some strange things, and I swear you could hammer nails with my neck and back muscles, they're so tense. I really, really miss our massage guy at work - I could use a good back rub right about now!!! I wonder if my muscles got used to being worked out pretty regularly, and now I just notice the tension more but am really not any more tense than I used to be. All I know is, my neck and shoulders are killing me, and no amount of stretching I try is helping. Whine whine, bitch bitch.

On that note, it looks like we *will* be having a massage therapist come in every week, but apparently not the same one. We got an e-mail saying that our big boss onsite wants recommendations for someone different. Not sure what brought that about, but hopefully we'll get someone who's as good.

No big weekend plans here - tomorrow is library day (I love getting all the free books I can carry!), and I'm cleaning up in preparation for the arrival of the big boy bed on Monday. I hope that helps with sleep issues. Bedtime has gotten so bad that I can't decide which stresses me out more, bedtime or daycare drop-off. Both involve crying and frequent use of the word "no". I keep trying to remind myself that this phase will pass, it will get better, but sometimes it's hard to keep that in mind.

I'm wiped out, too many late nights this week - I'm going to get some sleep!

Woo hoo, it's Friday!

Cloudy and dreary, but still Friday.

Our team went out to lunch for our team leader's birthday today. That's one thing that's kind of cool about working in downtown, you can walk to lunch instead of having to move your car. It's always nice to get away from the office, and even nicer when your manager is there, too, so you know you won't get in trouble for being gone too long! LOL

Bedtime battles continue. J fights it like a little wild man every night, although last night wasn't as bad as some nights have been. But he did wake up at 4:00 this morning, wanting to be rocked. It took about 30-45 minutes for him to get soundly back to sleep. I debated just staying up and getting ready for work early, but I'm not that much of a glutton for punishment.

And now daycare drop-offs are getting ugly. It seems to go in cycles. For a while, they'll be OK. Then we get back to where we are now, where J starts clinging to my legs as soon as we get inside. He didn't cry until I left this morning, just hung on to me saying, "mama...mama...mama" and trying to stay between me and the door. And then he howled when I left. *SIGH* Days like that really make me want to cry (and some days I do, although not until I'm back in the car).

On the relationship front: I've been thinking. I think I've said before that I have an un-misspent youth to make up for, and I also think I've said I've realized that I can't/won't be into truly casual sex (i.e., just a one-time thing with zero emotional involvement - I know myself well enough to know that I'd like for there to be at least *some* interest in me the person, not just me the warm body). And I think when I do start actually dating, I won't be into playing the field, at least not in the sense of having several guys on the string at the same time. I don't have that much self-confidence, and I just don't think it's my style. Not to say I'd be looking to jump into anything *serious* with anyone anytime soon - huh, not even. I just don't see myself going out with three different guys on every free weekend I have. (If I did that and ever got serious about one of them, that would mean I'd have to break it off with the others, and I'm terrible at hurting people's feelings! LOL)

And some surprising good news on the job front: We get little rewards for delighting clients. You can redeem them for different things (personally, I'm saving to get enough to buy myself a half day off work). Well, I got not one but two today, and one was recognized as the delight story of the week! I know, it might sound a little cheesy and a little too rah-rah for some. But it was a nice feeling to be recognized for doing something good. Maybe there is hope for me here, maybe I'm not the red-headed stepchild of the team that I feel like sometimes.

Back to work - maybe I can accomplish something else good! ;)

Thursday, January 06, 2005


Our workplace is business casual, heavy on the casual - we don't deal with clients in person as a rule, so no one really dresses up much. I had to go to a meeting this morning, thought I'd dress up a little, since you never know when you might meet someone at one of these things who can give your career a boost. Nothing real fancy, just a black skirt and a black silk jacket with little pleats down the front, and my black ankle boots (which have the added benefit of being warm, since it was 20-something degrees out this morning). But it's a cut above my usual khaki skirt and knit top. I was pleasantly surprised and flattered when one of my co-workers told me I looked spiffy this morning! I like being told I look spiffy. I feel better when I know I look better.

New Year's goal: Get rid of the ugly crap in my closet and get some new clothes that I look and feel spiffy wearing. And if I can get my calves skinny enough, get some black tall boots - gotta love the boots.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

It's a good day!

I'm having to deal with some issues at work, but I'm actually *dealing* with them. I'm getting things accomplished, and hopefully making clients happy along the way. Yay!!!! Maybe I just needed to get a better handle on this job to find it not so bad. The salary still isn't what I'd like, but it no longer stresses me out to the point of insanity (that may change at any given moment, but for now, it's OK). It's a good feeling to be getting things done.

J went to sleep at 10:00 last night - woo hoo, a whole hour earlier, and it only took him an hour to go to sleep. I don't know what to do to get him to sleep. For a while, the routine worked - dinner, bath, a little TV before bed, and he'd go to sleep pretty well on his own. Not necessarily right away, but he'd rustle around for a while and eventually sleep. Now it's getting to where I dread bedtime, because I know it's going to be a pitched battle getting J to sleep. And I don't know how to make it better. I can put him in bed, I can let him holler when appropriate, but I can't make him sleep. *SIGH*

It was in the 70's, now it's cold again, and they're talking about sleet just up the road in McKinney. You gotta love Texas weather.

Back to my regularly scheduled workday....

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Pilfered from Stuck for Now:

You Are a Seeker Soul
You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges.You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions.Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist.Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!).
Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others.And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you.You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically.Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas.
Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

This was kind of hard for me - on many of the questions, more than one answer seemed to fit. But I'd say this describes me pretty well!

A pleasant surprise

I had a callback to make that I was dreading, thinking it could get really ugly. Turns out the man I needed to speak to was very pleasant, and now I'm hoping I can help him out instead of wanting to hide when a message from him turns up in my inbox. I like pleasant surprises like that!

It's almost 12, no wonder my stomach is growling. Today's lunchtime offering: popcorn. I got on the scale this morning and didn't like the number I saw, so that's doing wonders in the motivation department - I've had one Hershey kiss and I'm trying to drink as much water as I can. Now to get the exercise program in gear...

I also want to work on my calligraphy. If I can brush up on my skills and get the word out, I think I could do a pretty good side business doing invitations, scrapbook pages, certificates, whatever people might want. And I'd enjoy that, it doesn't require a lot in terms of supplies, just a little quiet time to work. I'm going to have to make time for that!

Today's online fortune cookie

"Your inner beauty radiates. Nourish it."

Hmm. I certainly don't feel inwardly beautiful at the moment, just inwardly (and outwardly) tired!

Just another manic Monday...oh wait, it's Tuesday

Bedtime last night was another major ordeal. It took two hours for J to finally settle down and go to sleep. His innards have the worst possible timing - after I put him in bed for the first time at 9:00, he had two poops and then a soaked pair of underpants necessitating a change of sheets. And after I had to get him out of bed for a change of sheets (and pants, and shirt), he went into meltdown mode. UGH. He finally settled down and went to sleep around 11:00. It makes me tired being up that late, I know it can't be good for him to be up until 10:00 or 11:00 and then up at 6:30. But I can't make him sleep. I just feel bad that to some extent, we're prisoners of the schedule I keep, because of me working where I work and having the commute I have. I wish I could find work closer to home, but there aren't many options close to home in my field - either the DA's office or opening my own practice (which I may do, but which I'm nowhere near ready to do right now).

I'm supposed to go see my counselor tomorrow. However, we've changed insurance. I'd told her who my new health care provider was, and she takes that (Blue Cross Blue Shield). I found out today, though, that BCBS doesn't cover our mental health benefits, Cigna Behavioral Health does. My counselor isn't a covered provider with Cigna. *SIGH* I've put a call in to her to explain what's going on and see what can be done. What a freakin' pain insurance can be sometimes. Granted, there are times (like my c-section and my weight-loss surgery) when I'm mighty thankful to have it and the options it offers. But for a lot of routine stuff, it's just a big pain in the ass.

I've been thinking about things I miss about being in a marriage or serious relationship. Here's what I've come up with so far:

*I miss hugs and kisses. Not sex, just hugs and kisses and hand-holding and someone to snuggle with. Sure, sex is nice, but I miss those lower-key expressions of love and affection, those displays that are "just because". I felt like those had disappeared from my marriage a while before the separation anyway, and I wasn't going to ask for affection from K - I was his wife, I didn't think I should have to ask for hugs and kisses. Anyway, that's something I feel like I've gone without for a long time now, and I really miss it. A hug can be a remarkably refreshing and comforting thing when you've had a shitty day.

*I miss adult companionship for dinner. I miss having someone to talk to at mealtimes. K and I didn't always sit down at the table and make a formal thing of it. More often than not, we'd sit in the living room and eat off of TV trays. But I miss the presence of another adult at that time of day. Not that J isn't a fascinating conversationalist, but it's not the same as talking to someone my age! :-)

I'm sure there are more things I miss, but those are two that really stand out at the moment.

Better get back to work.

Monday, January 03, 2005

So tired.

I've made it to 4:15, and not given in once to the chocolate temptation of Hershey kisses. I think I'm having chocolate withdrawal, and that's why I'm dragging butt so badly. Oh, for some chocolate... No, must be strong. My butt won't shrink if I keep eating Hershey kisses.

I really miss our massage guy up here. No word yet as to whether he's coming back (my hunch is that no, he isn't). I would so love a good back rub right now - my muscles are so tight, you could use 'em to pound nails. Sometimes I can talk J into pounding on my back with his feet (he thinks that's funny!), but that's not the same as a good massage. *SIGH* Oh well.

Forgot to write...

about one of those moments that really makes you question whether you should have had a child. J was tired yesterday - he'd had a big weekend, and decided he wasn't interested in a nap yesterday, so he was really wiped out by early evening. He was literally falling asleep in his dinner around 5:30! He nearly did a face plant in the pancakes more than once. Finally it was clear that bath time couldn't wait until the usual 7:30-8:00, so off we went for a bath. After that, he seemed to have gotten a second wind, and when I tried to put him down around 7:45 (MUCH earlier than usual), he just went berserk. It felt like my child had turned into a wildebeest. I knew he was exhausted, and I kept telling myself it wasn't me, it wasn't that he was scared of something, he was just too tired to function normally. But he just went wild - screaming, "no bed, no bed", saying he wanted to rock, didn't want to rock, wanted milk, didn't want milk, and on and on without ceasing. Finally he was just letting loose with these guttural wails and sobs, we'd gotten well past the point of forming words. I couldn't decide whether to cry (because it hurt me to see him so wound up and so upset) or to laugh (because tantrums are really kind of funny if you can emotionally distance yourself from them). It took a while, but once he finally settled down, he was snoring to beat the band within a couple of minutes. I didn't hear a peep out of him all night, and I had to wake him up at 6:45 this morning (I'd been afraid an early bedtime would have him up at 5:00 or so, but thankfully it didn't). I think he'd have slept longer if I hadn't had to wake him up - he did NOT want to get up this morning, that's for sure. When I first spoke to him, he rolled over without opening his eyes, grabbed his blankets and pillow, and rolled over on top of them! LOL I can only imagine what he'll be like as a teenager.

Well, it's lunchtime. I'd better go try to find something I can eat that I don't have to spend money on - in the interests of improving financial stability, I won't be eating out much at all, at least not anytime soon.

More later!

Happy New Year!

It was a pretty quiet ushering in of 2005 at my house. J stayed up until almost 10:00 (I can put him in bed, but I can't make him sleep), and I lasted long enough to have a glass of wine (Cap Rock's Palo Duro Canyon white, yummy! Here's the winery website: Cap Rock Winery ) and give a big ol' one-finger salute to the back end of 2004 at midnight. I missed all the folderol on TV, but that's OK - New Year's Eve television viewing wouldn't have been the same without Dick Clark, anyway. I've told every divine power that might be taking an interest that I am by golly ready for some GOOD things to come my way in 2005!!!!!

Saturday was a decent day (although if it's true that whatever you do on the New Year, you'll do all year long, I'm in for lots of heavy lifting! LOL). K was a big, big help getting J's room ready for the forthcoming big boy bed. He moved the little dresser from J's room to my room (and had to move a lot of crap out of the way in both places to do that), so there's now room to convert the crib into a full-size bed when the new mattress arrives next Monday. It's nice to have that much taken care of. I cleaned and organized other stuff while K worked on that. I still have a lot of cleaning to do, but moving that dresser was a big project. It looks nice in my room - I have my new stereo set up on top of it, and when I've got time, I'm going to organize the big dresser in J's room to make room for what's in the little dresser, so I'll have more storage space for me. I really appreciate that he took care of that for me. I probably could have done it myself, but it was nice not to have to do that.

Sunday: more cleaning. I tackled the music room closet again, and ruthlessly threw out crap. Lots of old cassette tapes kissed it goodbye! I kept my old mix tapes, ones I probably couldn't duplicate without spending a lot of money on CD's I don't particularly want to buy, just to get the one or two songs I like. I was able to move five big Rubbermaid containers of bears into that music room closet and get them out of my bedroom (more on the bear collection in a minute). I'm just tired of my bedroom being the repository for things that have nowhere else to be stashed, and I'm doing something about it. I am reclaiming that space and working to make it a restful, peaceful retreat for myself. I deserve better than to have my bedroom be a place that I walk into and think, "oh crap, I *really* need to clean" every time I see it. That's hardly restful (and hardly conducive to impressing any guys, should I ever decide any are worthy of being added to the very, very, very short list of men I've slept with!). So I'm reorganizing and pitching stuff and selling stuff and clearing out crap. It felt good, although I've got muscles that are kind of sore today from the unaccustomed abuse.

The bear collection. I was a huge, huge bear collector for years - mostly Boyds and Pooh, with a couple that are unique and a couple that might actually be worth a little something. The little furry critters (and decorative plates, and figurines, and...) were taking over my house. Funny, though, since J was born, my insane need to collect and acquire more bears has pretty much disappeared. In fact, I'm seriously considering weeding out my collection, selling some on eBay, donating some to a local police department that collects bears for children who are crime victims. I'm not really sure why the need to collect has disappeared. I'm growing up, maybe? I don't feel the need to hide behind them anymore (like I hid behind my weight and my religion for so very long)? All I know is, enough. I don't need any more, I don't want any more, and I want to clear out a lot of the ones I've got. My space is limited, and I don't think keeping a bunch of bears around is the best use of that space.

In all the cleaning, I found a couple more of my old journals - one from 1995, when K and I had first gotten married, and one from about 1996/97, when he was going back to school and I was working as an assistant DA. Interesting, interesting reading, and some of it was pretty sad (reading what I'd written about our wedding, about my mother's death and funeral). But it amazed me to see that, even then, very early on in our marriage, there were things that bothered me. Some of them were the same things that I've been trying to deal with during our separation and the time leading up to it. Why did I not have the balls to say anything about it for so many years, to stand up for myself, to tell him what I did and didn't appreciate and like and expect and hope for in terms of our relationship? Had I done so, would things have turned out differently? Or does the fact that the things that have bothered me seem not to have changed over the years mean that we were a lost cause from the get-go? I don't know. I was just surprised, because I didn't remember feeling that way so early on. I guess memory has a way of painting things a rosier pink than maybe they really were. And I guess that's the blessing and the curse of keeping journals -you get to see how things really were from your own perspective, but get to see how things really were, and maybe sometimes we're better off not remembering all the details.

I'm trying my best not to eat the Hershey kisses that I keep on my desk for co-workers. I have GOT to do better about eating right and exercising in the New Year. I didn't go to all the trouble to have weight-loss surgery to stall at where I am now. I didn't go to all that trouble to gain the weight back because I eat crap because that's what's easiest. I NEED to get back to losing weight, need to get healthier. But I must say one thing - it's a big, refreshing change to be able to think about weight loss like a "normal" person instead of a hugely overweight one. For so many years, I started all weight-loss efforts already convinced that I was doomed to fail because I had so much weight to lose. Now, I know I can do it, if I just put forth the effort. And it's still up to me to put forth that effort, the band won't do it for me. So - y'all remind me when I falter that I CAN DO THIS!!!!! I CAN say no to Hershey kisses. I CAN see the backside of 200 pounds and never hit that weight ever again. I CAN buy smaller, prettier clothes before the year is up!!!

So in a nutshell, here's what I hope to accomplish in 2005: Get weight loss back on track. Get my house dejunked and organized and clean. Get closure some way or another regarding my relationship with K - I don't still want to be in this holding pattern this time next year. Straighten up my finances - pinch pennies until they scream, and build up a little savings account. Have employment that, if it isn't something I'm absolutely passionate about, is at least something I enjoy (I'm keeping an eye out for a research/investigations position where I am now, that would be exceedingly cool). Laugh more and stress less. Enjoy the time with my son, remembering that he won't be small forever.

Here's to a new and improved year, and a new and improved me. Perhaps I'll post pictures when I get it figured out, so y'all can see where I started and where I am now (a work in progress, but still an improvement).