Tuesday, January 31, 2006


I hate it when my head is stopped up. It makes me feel like my IQ has dropped about 30 points.

I am so sleepy right now. I woke up at 4:00 this morning having a horrible coughing fit. Don't know how I didn't wake J up, but I didn't. All day I've been fighting the urge to lay my head down on my desk and take a little nap. K has plans tonight, so it's just me, the monkey boy and the ankle-biters. I hope J goes to sleep fairly early - I don't have the energy for an extended bedtime battle tonight.

I go to see the ENT on Thursday. I'm taking the whole day off, even though I could probably get it done in just half a day. I'm so tired right now, I figure I can use the extra rest I'll get if I drop J off at daycare and come home and nap a little before my 2:15 appointment. I'm curious to see what the ENT has to say. A co-worker was telling me his brother had similar problems with sinus gunk, and his ENT told him he needed to have his tonsils out. I'm not enthused at the prospect (I've heard having tonsils out is a much bigger deal at 37 than it would be at, say, 7), but if it will help clear up all this nonsense and help me not get sick so often, well, I'm all for it.

24 minutes to go. I think I can, I think I can....

Monday, January 30, 2006

Another doctor's appointment

My doc called back - she's referring me to an ENT. I'm on the phone now, trying to get an appointment set up. You know, at this point, I almost don't care what they do, as long as I freakin' feel better. This crap has been dragging on forever.

Now why can't this ever happen to me?

I was reading Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella last night. For those of you unfamiliar with this staple of chick lit, let me summarize. Becky Bloomwood graduates from college, heads out into the work world, and proceeds to amass mountains of debt. she is, as the title says, a shopaholic. (And boy, reading about her shopping made my stomach hurt - things that overdraw my bank account are usually things like the mortgage payment, gas for the car, groceries, one bill or another. Not some high-falutin' designer scarf regularly 340 pounds, on sale for 120.) So creditors are hounding her, and she feels like the whole world can see that she really isn't cut out to be (of all things) a financial journalist. But she gets one good story, helps out someone, gets a fabulous job that pays her more than enough to get out of debt and stash some in savings, gets the good-looking guy, and all ends up rosy. I know it's just fiction. But don't we all know someone in life who seems to get all the good breaks? And don't we, on one day or another, all feel like those lucky breaks never seem to come our way? Me personally, I'd love for a miracle job that I like with a fantastic salary to go along with it to just drop into my lap. But my luck doesn't seem to run that way.

Dang, though, I wish it did.

Oh, yeah, it's Monday.

Still feel fairly crappy, but at least we all slept all night last night. :)

My day started out with a bang. J and I went out to the driveway and what did I see? A flat on my truck! I couldn't drive on it, and it's done this several times before, so I called the tire repair service. An hour and $61 later ($61 that I didn't have, UGH), a nail has been removed from my tire and it's been patched. So J and I are fixing to hop in the car and go.

More later!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Call Roto-Rooter...

Could they unclog my nose, do you think? One side is pretty clear, but the other feels like it's filled with cement.

Looks like J gets first priority for seeing the doctor - he's got tons of green gunk in his nose, and I'm sure daycare would prefer that I get him cleared up as soon as possible. So we'll just walk in at his pediatrician's office tomorrow morning, I guess. Of course, I suggested that to him just now and he looked at me in surprise and said, "I'm not sick!" Silly boy. I'm glad he doesn't feel bad, just has the green gunk and can't breathe through his nose.

Can I just trade in my head for a new one?

I feel like hammered shit. The crud is back in full force - my head is full of green gunk, I can't breathe out of my nose, and I can't stop coughing. UGH. I guess I'll try to see the doctor tomorrow. You read so much about bacteria becoming resistant to antibiotics, I'm almost hesitant to go that route. But then on the other hand, I've been fighting this mess for a month now, and it's not going away. If I wait for it to run its course, I'll be sick until sometime this summer. Hopefully she can help. If I could just breathe through my nose and stop this infernal coughing, I could manage. No fever, at least, so there's that to be thankful for.

J is pretty boogered up, too. I'm thinking it's time to break out the humidifier so he can breathe (and hopefully sleep) better. The humidifier is a pain in the ass, but if it helps, it will be worth the effort.

K went out of town this weekend with the woman he's been seeing. The fact that he's with someone else doesn't bother me. What I'm (still) jealous of is that it's so much easier for him to make plans than it is for me. Oh, hell, I'm jealous because it seems like this whole thing is easier on him, for the most part. He moves his stuff into a nice clean apartment and gets it set up like he wants it. He can keep his house clean because 12 days out of 14, it's just him there. No little human hurricane to try to pick up after (and J is fanatic about picking up bath toys, but couldn't care less about the rest of the house - I have to resort to threats to get help there, someone explain that to me). He goes home, he sleeps where it's quiet (except for the upstairs neighbors walking around) - no 3 AM wake-up call for bad dreams or wet pants or just because. Maybe I'm just a whiner, I don't know.

J moved up to the next class at Little Gym yesterday, the Funny Bugs. This is the first class where parents don't go in with the children, and instead of so much free play, there's more structure - they have group activities, then break into smaller groups and rotate among different stations to learn different skills. Well, that went over about like a lead balloon with J. I told him I'd go into the gym and sit by the door, so he could see me, and I told him to go see the teachers and sit with the other kids (he knows all the teachers there, so it wasn't like they were strangers to him, and one little girl from his old class has moved up, too). Oh, no, that wouldn't do. He howled and cried and wanted me to go run and play with him. I said no, this is the big kid class, I'll be right here where you can see me, but you can go on and play and learn without me right next to you. So he carried on for a while, then told me to go outside and sit in a chair (they have big glass windows between the gym and the waiting areas, and chairs are in the waiting area) and he'd stay and play. That lasted about ten seconds - then he was running out to get me, wanting me to run and play, and howling the whole time I told him I wasn't going to do that. He was all excited about the concept of the big kid class, but in reality, he wasn't thrilled. But at least he stayed in the class most of the time, and the teachers said this is normal, that it takes a little while to adjust. So in a couple of weeks I'm sure he'll be pushing me out the door.

Well, time to go try to clean up the disaster that is my house. More later.

Friday, January 27, 2006


My online fortune cookie for the day:

You are one of those people who "goes places in life".

Where? The poorhouse? The insane asylum? So far I don't seem to be going much of anywhere good.

Yes, I'm having a damned good wallow in the pity pit. Happy weekend to me.

Not good news

I called the hiring manager today, to see if there was any word on the position I interviewed for. He called back. I didn't get the job. They've made an offer to someone who had more experience, who used to work there. She hasn't accepted officially yet, but he said he felt like she would, and then the position would be filled. He said if it didn't work out, they'd keep me in mind. So it's over. I could cry. I have seriously got to find another job, from a financial standpoint if not from a stress standpoint. This job does not pay enough for me to make ends meet, and I can't keep relying on K (although he's been wonderful about helping me out), or his savings will be gone, too. And then what would happen if either of us had a true emergency? I've got bills now I don't know how I'll pay. I've already filed bankruptcy trying to get my finances straightened up. When does it freakin' get better? If I ever needed a miracle, now is the time.

I thought 2006 was supposed to be a good year. I'm not seeing it so far.

And I can't even go ease my pain with shopping therapy. I keep trying to tell myself that there's some good reason why this didn't work out, but it's not helping. And why the hell am I here, at this job? What am I supposed to learn? What am I supposed to gain from this neverending grunt work? A deeper appreciation for people slogging away in customer service jobs? Got it. A higher tolerance for bullshit and pain and stress? If the tolerance is pushed much higher, my head will pop off. I don't get it. When will something go RIGHT for me, and will I have to be living in a box under the bridge before it does?!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Man kills co-worker with defibrillator - as a joke

Co-worker's prank turns deadly

New EMT convicted in fatal prank
Though warned, he shocked a co-worker with a defibrillator


RELATED: Police Beat

LEBANON -- Joshua Philip Martin was in his fourth day on the job as a rescue-squad worker in Russell County when, in a playful mood, he decided to reach into the front seat of the ambulance and zap one of his co-workers with the defibrillator paddles. The rookie's mistake was fatal.

Yesterday, in Russell Circuit Court, a judge convicted Martin, 25, of involuntary manslaughter, warning the burly but pink-faced young man that when he returns to court in March, he likely will be sent to prison. He faces a maximum sentence of 10 years.

The target of Martin's prank was Courtney Hilton Rhoton, a 23-year-old mother of two small children who had worked her way through school to become an emergency medical technician. She went into cardiac arrest seconds after Martin placed the paddles on her chest and shoulder. Three days later, on June 4, she died.

After watching bailiffs lead Martin off to jail yesterday, the mothers of Rhoton and Martin stood at opposite ends of a narrow courthouse hallway and wept, one for the loss of her daughter, the other for the fate of her son. All agreed Martin had meant no harm, though none derived comfort from the thought.

"If they just knew Josh!" his mother, Diana White, exclaimed between sobs. "He just made a mistake. Everybody plays on the job, even cops. But with this one, it caught up. He's going to pay for it for the rest of his life."

"He was just playing around," Martin's aunt, Karen Martin, said. "Anybody who knows him knows this was not intentional."

Rhoton's mother, Sandra Davenport, could not summon words to express her grief, except to say: "Everybody loved her."

In the courtroom minutes earlier, Martin had stood with his hands deep in his pants pockets and pleaded no contest to the charge against him, allowing Russell prosecutor Mike Bush to summarize the evidence without calling witnesses. According to Bush, if the case had gone to trial, a witness would have testified that Martin, an EMT, was in the back of a Highlands Ambulance Service ambulance on June 1 when he first picked up the paddles of the manual defibrillator.

Defibrillators are used to restore heartbeats, but they can also stop a heart. Martin, though an EMT, was not yet qualified to use the defibrillator and had been told it is not something to play with, Bush said.

Rhoton was in the front passenger seat of the ambulance, and driver Michael Coleman was heading south on U.S. 19 in Lebanon when Coleman heard Rhoton tell Martin not to touch her "with that," Bush said. Coleman looked back to see Martin putting the paddles away.

But shortly afterward, Bush said, Coleman heard the "sound of a shock" and heard Rhoton yell: "Oh my God, Mike, he shocked me!" Seconds later she stiffened and then went limp. Coleman frantically tried to hold her slumping body up while driving and calling the private ambulance company's office.

Rhoton, who had been an EMT for one year, never regained consciousness. She left behind two children, Christopher and Tamra, now 6 and 4.

Yesterday, the families of the two EMTs passed each other in the hallway as they left the courtroom.

Rhoton's sister, Chanda Lawson, 30, expressed bitterness as she watched the Martin family cry: "They're crying because he's going to jail, but my sister's not coming back."

Karen Martin overheard the comment and blurted out: "Josh is a good kid! A good kid!"

Contact staff writer Rex Bowman at rbowman@timesdispatch.com or (540) 344-3612.


OK, is it just me, or does it take a special kind of dumbass for a grown man, a trained EMT, not to know (or not to at least think) that it might not be a good idea to joke around with the high-voltage medical equipment?!?! What the hell was he thinking?! Sure, his family is all torn up and thinks he's a good kid. But his stupidity cost a young mother her life, and he should pay for that with jail time. Geez, a three-year-old can understand, "don't touch that, it could hurt you".

I've probably got more to say about this, but I know Blogger is going down shortly for some maintenance, so I'll post now and edit later.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

And in other good news...

J takes gymnastics at daycare (yes, in addition to Little Gym), and they're having their "Olympics" tomorrow. It's at 9:00, they'll be done by 9:30, and I could be at work by 10:00. My manager said I could come in late, and not have to use vacation time! Yay!!!! I'm excited. I always hate having to miss things at his school, because I know other kids have parents there, and he's getting old enough that he may start wondering, "hey, why aren't my mom and dad here?"

That's one thing - since we've rearranged our teams, I do like my new manager. She's helping me clear up a lot of old stuff that needed to be addressed, and that's a good thing.

Only half an hour left...!

See, I knew there was nothing in there

My doc called yesterday with my CT scan results. She said my sinuses looked fine - way better than she expected, given the never-ending round of crud I seem to have. I do have a deviated septum, and she asked if my sinus problems tended to start on the left. I said no, they start on, and are worse on, the right side. So apparently fixing the deviated septum wouldn't help any, and she sees no need for sinus surgery. Good thing, as I really didn't want it anyway - the idea of someone messing with my nose and/or face just oogs me big-time. It would have been nice, though, to have a definitive reason for the ongoing problems. She's changing my allergy medicine. Used to be, if I took my meds every day, I'd stay pretty clear most of the time. Lately, though, that clearly isn't the case. So I'm trying something new, to see if that helps. It may just be where I live (Cement Plants R Us, just look up Midlothian, Texas and air quality and see what you come up with). We'll see where things go from here.

My head is actually pretty clear at the moment, if I could just get rid of this damned cough. Sometimes it starts and I just can't stop it. Last night it woke me up several times, to the point I was afraid I'd wake J up. Bourbon, lemon and honey is the only thing I've found - all cough medicines included - that settles it down for any length of time. (Dammit, I'm out of lemons.) Sometimes it's a dry, tickly cough, sometimes it's a sort of wheezy, goopy cough. I just want it to stop. I'm sure people who don't know me think I'm a long-term smoker, the way I sound - in reality, I've never smoked anything in my life.

Let's see, what else has been going on? It's time for puppy training - they're in the chewing stage, and they get to stuff that I have no idea how they reach (stuff that's up high enough you wouldn't think they could get it). We're still working on housebreaking/paper training, and I'm sure the puppy classes will help with that. Bad thing is, the one I want to go to, at Petsmart, doesn't start until February 25. Boy, that's a long time away. Petco has a class starting a week or two earlier, but the instructor at Petsmart sounded like she was much more on top of things than the instructor at Petco. Besides, the Petsmart classes are at 2:30 in the afternoon, which works much better for our schedule.

Last week was show week at Little Gym! Since it was my free weekend, I debated whether I wanted to go - I knew if J saw me, he'd be ready to come home. But I didn't want to miss show week. So K and I worked it out to where I'd go to Little Gym, J would come back home with me on Saturday, K would treat for dinner Saturday night, and then he'd stay with J while I got some time to myself. So that's what we did. Dinner at Macaroni Grill, and then I got a little free time - ah, shopping unencumbered by a three-year-old who's ready to go RIGHT THEN, what bliss. :-) And I'm really glad I went to Little Gym - the medal ceremony was really cute, and I got some good pics. (Well, some are good, and some are just...well, action shots. LOL) The instructor said J has some good gymnastics skills - he can do a really good front roll, a back roll and a pullover on the bar with help, and several other things. I said he may have good skills, but he only does them when he wants to, not when anyone asks him to! We're moving up to the next age group starting this Saturday - this will be the class where J goes in by himself, without mama or daddy. Should be interesting - I'm sure there will be an adjustment period. But he seems excited about going.

I wish he was as excited about going to sleep. Lately his bedtime has gotten later and later - 11:30 on Thursday, 10:45 on Friday, 10:00 on Saturday, 9:00 on Sunday (he was wiped out, he fell asleep while I was reading to him), and back to 10:30 last night. AARGH. He's still napping at daycare, but he was up nearly as late on the weekend, and he doesn't nap at home. I hate to ask his teachers to keep him up during naptime - I know they need the break just as much as the kids do. And maybe that has nothing to do with it. I hope he's not getting sick - his sleep patterns go all to hell when some kind of crud is coming on.

No news on the job front yet. I'm just about to pop from wanting to know something, and I sure hope it's good news.

I hope the news is good because it would be nice to have a job I like, and because I could surely use the boost in salary. I am so tired of being broke. I've had to ask K for money several times, and he's always helped me out, but I know he's trying to save for his own stuff - he wants to buy a house sometime in the not-too-distant future. And if I keep needing, then his savings will be gone, too. I tried thinking to myself that I carried us as best as I could the first year we were married, and when K was in school, and when his temp job crapped out and he didn't get paid for days or weeks or (once in a while) months, and maybe this is karma's way of rebalancing things. But it doesn't help - I still feel like a mooch. I'm not accustomed to having to ask for help. I was raised to take care of myself and my busines, and it bothers me that I'm having a hard time doing that right now. Blech.

So since I've whined some now, I'll try to remind myself of my blessings - I know I do have some:

*I have a job. It may not be perfect, and I may wish it paid me more and was less stressful, but it's a paycheck. Without it, things would be much worse.
*I have a car that runs. It gets me from point A to point B, and it's paid for.
*K and I get along really well even though we're getting divorced. There are plenty of people out there who don't have that blessing, and it would make the whole process so much worse if he and I didn't get along.
*I've got a roof over my head, food in the pantry and freezer, and clothes to wear.
*I've got two cute puppies who make me laugh when they aren't making me swear, and they'll grow up to be two loving dogs who brighten up our days and who we'll love and take care of (and J likes to feed them every morning, so he's learning responsibility!).
*I have family that loves me - my dad, my stepmom, K's parents, my bio mom, my sister, K's bio mom and the rest of his family. Lots of people are all alone in this world.
*I have a beautiful, healthy son who's too smart for his own good, built like a Mack truck, and can try my patience daily - but when he spontaneously says, "I love you, Mama", that makes all the fits and sleep issues and potty training accidents seem so irrelevant. I want to be the mother and the person my son sees me as.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Dang it.

I called my doctor's office - no results yet from my CT scan. Hopefully they'll have them Monday. Not that I'm really expecting there to be anything wrong or anything out of the ordinary, I just want to know.

It's my late night, so I'll be here until 7:00. Fun, fun.

A random tidbit

I used to have lots of dreams about my car being stolen. I don't remember the time frame exactly - I know it was before I got my Jimmy in February 2003, so this was when K and JG were friends and spending lots of time together, and not too long after J was born. I read this on Dream Moods:

To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person.

I thought that was interesting. I guess around that time, I did feel like I was being stripped of my identity. I wasn't just Lisa anymore, I was now J's mother. K was spending time with someone else, so I wasn't feeling like much of a wife. You know, I haven't had a dream about my car being stolen in ages. Guess I'm pretty secure in my identity now.

Last night's bedtime was just nasty. J couldn't turn his little brain off and settle down. He was awake until 11:30, and I was about ready to pull my hair out. Now watch, tonight he'll sleep for 12 hours at K's, and then be good to go when he comes back home - that would be my luck!

Thursday, January 19, 2006


I fell last night. J and I were about to go to the bathroom for his bath, and I caught my foot on his plastic drum (it's a big plastic thing that comes with a bunch of other musical instruments inside it, the lid comes off). I couldn't catch my balance, and down I went. I landed hard on my right knee, slightly less hard on my right hand/wrist and left elbow. Ow, ow, OW. J asked if he could kiss my knee, and he did. Then he asked me, "Is it better now?" Sometimes he can be so sweet! I'm glad I'm not a couple of inches taller - if I were, I'd have hit my head on the brick hearth around the fireplace. Yikes. As it is, I have a goose egg on my knee (that will probably bruise), and my right hand is a little sore. I told J that this is a perfect example of why we should always pick up our toys!

No word yet from the interview. I'm trying not to fidget.

On the bright side, I do get to go to a nice luncheon today. I'm one of the people who referred the most business to another part of the bank in 2005, so I get to go to a nice restaurant and have free lunch. I'm not one to turn that down! :-)

The puppies are a mess. They're really cute, but are still small enough to slip under the gate I'd put up to keep them off the living room carpet. It's time for puppy training classes. Once they're housebroken, I'll just let them run around, and I think they'll like that a lot better. J just adores them. I don't think we could part with them now!

This is my free weekend, but I don't have any plans. Brian has a big work thing he has to go to on Saturday morning, so he can't come up here Friday. I could drive down there Friday night, but since it's my late night at work, the earliest I could be down there is 8:30. Since he has to get up early Saturday, he's got to go to sleep fairly early. All that to say, if I drove down, I'd probably end up spending more time driving than I would with him. Bummer. But that frees me up to go to Little Gym with K and J on Saturday. I'm glad, because it's show week, where they show off all they've learned. I plan to take lots of pictures!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Back to work

Yesterday the office was closed and daycare was open, so I had a day to myself. After I took J to school, I came home and took a three-hour nap in a quiet house - ah, bliss. :-) Then I ran some errands before time to pick up J.

And last night I came close to being the mom I'd like to be all the time. Since I wasn't all stressed out from work, it was a lot easier for me to be patient with J, to not get uptight about things that really aren't that big a deal in the grand scheme. It was a fun evening. Well, at least until bedtime - then it took him an hour and a half to go to sleep for no apparent reason, and then I was ready to pull my hair out. But most of the evening was good.

As for the job: It sounds just wonderful, a very Lisa job. The FSO position there is a bit different than the FSO position here, and the differences are good. The job involves a lot of reviewing of trusts on the front end, before they come into the bank, to make sure it's something the bank can administer. Lots of document review, and the FSO's job is to find a way to bring the business in. And the really good thing - when something comes in, you have two days to review it, but once you're done with it, you're done. No lingering issues, nothing to jump up and surprise you with a bite on the butt months down the road. It sounds like heaven to me. When I came back on Friday, I kept thinking of all the things I hate doing now that I wouldn't have to do if I got the new job. And of course the salary wouldn't hurt a bit. The job just seems like the answer to prayer on so many levels - financial, career, stress/emotional. There aren't enough words to say how much I want this. If I don't get it, I'll be crushed, knowing that that kind of job is out there and I'm here. Y'all please pray, cross your fingers, light candles, send good thoughts, whatever, that I get this job, and sooner rather than later.

I'm leaving early today (which is always a double-edged sword - good to get the heck out of the office, but there's no telling what will be waiting to bite me on the ass when I return). I have to go get the CT scan of my sinuses done. Should be interesting - I'm curious to see if there's really anything between my ears besides empty space. LOL

That being said, I have some things I must get done in the next three hours, so I'd better get to it.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Just a little update

I can't even remember what I wrote in my last post, isn't that sad? So I'll write here, and if I miss anything, I'll just post again.

I'm tired. I guess I'm getting used to my new blood pressure medicine. If I keep feeling like this, though, I'll call my doctor - it's supposed to make me feel better, and tired like this isn't better.

Here's a tarot reading one of my online friends did for me:

Jan 06: The Goddess The mother of all cards. You're nesting, creating a safe and loving home life for yourself and your family.

Feb: Miracles Exactly as it says. Something unexpected, wanted, and beautiful, is heading your way.

March: Golden Memories Allow yourself to remember the 'good times', to reflect and look back. This is a time for reflection and memory, acknowledging what's past is past and no longer in the present.

April: Enchantment Revel in the changes around you. Look back to the month before, and be amazed in the changes. Your happiness is in the present moment, by God you should live it up.

May: Blessings Counting your blessings ensures they continue.

June: The Mystic If you have any interest in learning something a little esoteric, now is the time. You're in control of yourself and your mystical abilities are ripening.

July: Relationship I feel this one is a new lifepartner - a very good friend or a romantic partner, not sure, but someone to help make your life have meaning by watching it.

August: Love "love is all around me, it's every where I go" - these lyrics are never more true than now. Your love is abundant, and others are warmed by it's grace.

September: Sacred Union this is suggesting that the person that appeared or was noticed in july deserves more than a passing glance. You were happy to have a good, strong relationship with them. Perhaps look deeper - this may be a foreverfriend, or it may be more.

October: Eternal Flame Those that are around you, will always be around you. In body or in spirit, they will surround your life and bring you love, joy and peace.

November: Earth Connection Track back to June. You're less grounded now,and haven't been using your gifts enough. Ground yourself daily. Explore what you have. It's safe to do so.

December: Answered Prayer Exactly as it says. This is something to do with children, but I cannot be any more specific than this. You're not meant to know yet.

Jan 07: Transience You have emerged from 2006 a stronger, more loving woman. You have transformed yourself into a beautiful being on a higher plane. This will only continue.

Year as a whole: Embrace Embrace what you have... Embrace what's to come... Trust in God.

Pretty cool, I thought! One thing that really piqued my interest is what she said about December. I've sworn I'm not having any more kids - for one, my life circumstances don't exactly lend themselves to me having any more right now, for two, I'm not getting any younger, and for three, J is more than I can handle some days. But this is the second reading I've had that's mentioned children. The first one, that I had done back in July, the woman who did it asked me if I'd ever had a miscarriage. I said no, and she said she saw two children around me, one of them a girl. ??? And now this, some answered prayer about children. I'm curious, to say the least.

I'll write more later, after J is asleep.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

The never-ending crud

Apparently that's what I've got. I took 1/2 day off this afternoon to go to the doctor, because I woke up this morning feeling like the right side of my face had been hit by a truck. All the snot seems to migrate to that side, and it's just a yucky feeling. So I decided I'd better not mess with it anymore.

I got a shot (I was stunned, that's just about unheard of around here - unlike my doc back home, who gave you a shot for everything), an antibiotic, and orders to go have a CT scan done of my sinuses to see if there's anything going on in there that's contributing to the eternal sinus infection. I also got a different prescription for blood pressure medicine - my old one clearly wasn't working, as my BP was pretty high. (It's official, someday my job really *will* make my head pop off - all the more reason to find a new one, don't you think?) I asked about the possibility of increasing the Wellbutrin, and she said it could be done, but since the pills don't come in any higher dose than 300 mg (what I'm taking now), to increase it you have to get two prescriptions (one for 300-mg strength and one for 150-mg strength), and the insurance company tends to give that the big hairy eyeball, wanting to know why two prescriptions. (Because I feel like slugging something sometimes when I get mad? I think that's a fairly good reason.) So I'll wait and see what happens with the job, to see if a different work environment might relieve enough stress that I don't get quite so agitated. If not, then we'll either up the Wellbutrin or I'll try something different.

And now, I must go rummage through my closet in search of something to wear tomorrow. The hiring manager said they were business casual, but I wouldn't feel right going business casual to an interview. So I'm hoping for something halfway professional to magically appear out of the dreck that is my wardrobe. Most of my nice-ish clothes are black, and my one decent pair of pumps that doesn't kill my feet is a dark brown. What a conundrum. But I'd better go find something, since I can't exactly go naked.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The details

The job is a step up from what I currently do. Instead of a trust administrator position, it's a fiduciary services officer position. Lots more responsibility, lots more challenge (which means I wouldn't get bored - a major problem at my current job, the work is stressful because of the workload but I don't get intellectual challenges very often), and a bigger paycheck. The recruiter asked for my salary history, and when I told her what I make currently, she said, "Oh, I think we can do better than that." The salary range for this job? Low end $70,000, high end $90,000! I would just faint dead away, I think. So I'm excited about the interview. If I get the job, I'll be scared shitless.

Brian called tonight. We talked for about 45 minutes, about this and that. He's got something going on (work-related, so he can't get out of it) on my next free weekend (Jan. 20-21), so we won't be able to get together that weekend. Boo. I told him I'd also realized that on my next free weekend following the weekend of Jan. 20-21, I have something on Saturday morning. I have my co-parenting class from 8:30 to 12:30, which I have to have to get a hearing date for my divorce and to get that finalized. He's so sweet - he said we'd just have to make use of Friday evening and Saturday afternoon, then, and I could just point him to a bookstore or library for that time I was in class and he'd be fine. I like him. He said he realized I'd filed on his birthday, and he thought that was kind of funny. I said yeah, I filed for divorce and got puppies that day, it was a good day.

I'm feeling about half like crap, so I'd better get some sleep. I'm debating just taking all of Friday off and going to the doc Friday morning - my ear is starting to hurt, which means the crud is trying to make a comeback. And I don't want to feel barfy for my interview!


My list of things to fix

While I'm thinking about it, I'm going to start a list of all the things I want to do/repair/upgrade around the house when I have the money to do so.

~Have garage door fixed.
~Have dirt brought in to build back up around the foundation where it's worn away.
~Have wobbly toilet in guest bathroom fixed.
~Have fence put up.

~Have carpet replaced with hardwood or laminate floors.
~New window treatments for the front rooms of the house.

Nice if I have the extra cash:
~Have landscaping redone and sod put in the yard.
~Leather sofas for living room.
~Replace white cabinets in kitchen (why did I ever think *white* cabinets were a good idea?!)
~Redo kitchen countertops in Corian or comparable material; maybe granite if I really come into a wad of cash.

It's been a day. One bright note - I talked to the recruiter. I'll write more about it when I'm home.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Interview and other random thoughts

OK, not a face-to-face interview at this point, but I am talking to the recruiter tomorrow on the phone! She's in Arizona, hence the phone interview first (I guess to make sure I'm not a total waste of space before an in-person interview is scheduled in Dallas). My phone interview is at noon, so y'all think good "new job" thoughts for me! If it pays a good bit more than what I make now and the workload isn't quite so batshit crazy, I am so there if the job is offered to me. I think a sparkly new job would be a fabulous way to start off 2006, don't you?

K has been seeing someone for about three months now. They had a falling out and K thought about breaking it off, but they've worked it out after talking yesterday. So they had plans tonight. Who says the universe has no sense of humor? K gets make-up sex and I get puppy poop. :-p

On that note, the puppies went outside tonight instead of on my floor! Woo!!! Of course, after J's bath, I went into the kitchen and found them tearing hunks out of their foam rubber bed (the part they could get to under the cover that's on it). AARGH. I see some puppy training classes in our future.

And J is asleep in my bed. He was up until after 10:00 tonight - 10:15, 10:30, I don't know. He was near hysterical wanting to sleep with me, so I let him. I told him it was just for tonight, though, that tomorrow he'd sleep in his bed. I'm scared to death that he'll fall off the bed, and really hoping he doesn't wake up soaked (and soak my nice mostly-new mattress in the process - it doesn't have a waterproof pad like his bed does), so I may not get too much of a good night's sleep. (So why, then, am I still up????)

Insert clever post title here

Because I just can't think of one today. The morning sucked ass before it was even 10:00. The hot water faucet handle in my shower came off this morning. It just needs to be screwed back on, but I didn't have time to mess with it today, so I had to wash my hair in the bathtub. (Thank goodness my hair isn't long like it used to be - it would have really been a chore then!) The puppies pooped on the floor four times. (Not their fault, just mess for me to try to clean up before I got out the door.) I had to take money from J's savings to keep my account from overdrawing before payday. (I'm 13 years out of law school, I should *not* be this broke all the time.) The seat belt on the side of the car where J's booster seat usually is jammed, so we had to switch the seat to the other side. Daycare drop-off was absolute flaming hell (more on that momentarily). And I was late to work - big-time late. UGH.

I'm getting concerned about J's separation anxiety. He doesn't want to let go of me at daycare - no matter how much I reassure him that I'm coming back, no matter that he tells me I'm coming back (so on some level he knows this), he cries and screams and says he's scared every time. This morning his teacher offered him a treat if he'd be a big boy and go with her, and he still wouldn't let go of me. And he was howling like a banshee when I left. This is killing me. Part of it may be him trying to manipulate me, but I think part of the reason that he so much wants to stay with me is because K has moved out, and J is anxious about that. I told K that I think we should take him to see a counselor - if it turns out just to be a function of age, well, then we'll know, and if not, perhaps the counselor can help. All I know is, I can't keep on with drop-off going like this, especially if I'm considering a new job. If I were to start somewhere new, I wouldn't be able to be late every day. Besides, it hurts me that J is so upset when I leave. After I've been gone a few minutes, I know he's fine - it's not like he sits in the corner all day and just sobs. But still, it's no fun to hear your child screaming for you as you walk away to come to a job that sucks ass.

I e-mailed my friend Kathy today - her son was about J's age when she and her ex split up, and their split wasn't amicable. She'd previously given me the name of a counselor who saw her son, and I wanted to ask her if her son had gone through this serious separation anxiety. She said he'd had some problems with acting out aggressively and not eating, and the counselor said he was very angry. I don't think J is angry - he's always happy to see daddy, and he isn't aggressive toward anyone (exuberant with me and K, but not angry). I think he's just anxious and insecure. I'm going to call Kathy tonight and we'll talk some more. It's good to have a friend who's gone through this and who can offer advice and support.

And the day has improved somewhat. I'm totally not interested in doing any work, but at least I don't want to just sit here and cry. So that's a step in the right direction.

Monday, January 09, 2006

A happy surprise

I was pleasantly surprised to get a voice mail message on my cell phone from a recruiter with JP Morgan - she said I'd been referred to her for a position similar to what I do now (although hopefully paying a good bit more and with just a shade less stress!) in Dallas, and would I be interested. Well, it can't hurt to call and talk, now can it?! I called back this afternoon, but got her voice mail. I'll try again tomorrow.

And this was totally out of left field. All I can figure is, I interviewed for a trust administrator position (slightly different from what I do now, but the same general area) with them several months ago, and perhaps the woman I talked to then sent them my resume now. I guess I'll find out when I talk to the recruiter.

This is such an unexpected thing, maybe it will turn out to be something really good. Y'all keep your fingers crossed!

Wow, it's 11:15 and I haven't eaten dinner. I don't guess peanut butter fudge ice cream would be a real good nutritional choice, would it?

Let me go tuck the ankle-biters in and get something smallish to eat, so I can get maybe 5 hours' good sleep. More later!

And then it was Monday

Yuck. I'm thinking about many things at the start of the new year, one of the top things on my list being work.

I just don't want to be here. I've been out of law school 13 years, I should be at a point where I'm doing moderately well financially, not scraping and struggling about how I'll make it from one paycheck to the next. I don't have a lot of extravagant debt - I filed bankruptcy to get out from under the credit card debt, and still I struggle. Extravagance is buying an occasional CD at Target or getting takeout for dinner from Sonic, it's not about jewelry and expensive clothes and luxury items. I shouldn't have to worry if I'll have the money for daycare in my account when it's time to pay, or if buying a new outfit will keep me from paying a bill, or if I'll be able to pay for my child's education or my retirement. I'm 37 years old, and I have NOTHING saved for retirement - everything I'd saved before, we had to use when I changed jobs because our finances sucked, and I don't make enough here to even put anything in my 401(k). That's just not right. The workload is enormous, and it never slows down, it never gets any better - once you're behind, you just keep getting farther behind. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. It stresses me out, and I don't like the person this job makes me. Something has got to give, and I just hope it's not my sanity that gives first.

To go from such a good weekend to this - that's just wrong. Blech. If I can't find a job I'm passionate about (and I'm beginning to think there's no such job out there), is it too much to ask to find one that I at least enjoy and that pays me decently?

There, whine over for now. Back to the grind.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Happy weekend!

It's been a really, really fun weekend. And boy, am I tired!

Brian got me a Christmas gift! Nothing big, just some bath goodies, but still...I was touched that he did, I certainly wasn't expecting that.

We went to dinner at Macaroni Grill, and then to see The Chronicles of Narnia last night - that movie kicked ASS. It's something that you need to see on the big screen. It stayed pretty true to the book, and the soundtrack was phenomenal. And the scenery and effects - wow. I got cold just looking at the White Witch's palace.

Then I had one little errand to run - I needed puppy pads for the little ankle-biters. So we stopped by the 24-hour Wal-Mart, and Brian carried my things for me. I handed him one, and started to carry the other package myself, and he said no, he'd take it, that I had a lot to learn about letting a guy take care of me. Like I'm going to turn that down! :-)

I did get my lovely back rub last night - 'scuse me while I turn into a little puddle of mush on the floor. We stayed up stupid late, taking the puppies out, talking, just goofing around - I think it was after 3:00 before we called it a night. (When you consider that the movie wasn't over until after midnight, though, I guess that's not so late.)

And yes, he did sleep over, and yes, he did sleep in my bed. But no clothes came off, and we're both good with that. (That actually makes me like him more, because he's not just after sex.) It was nice just to have someone to snuggle with, someone who's snuggling because he's happy I'm there. And it was lovely waking up this morning next to a big huggable guy playing with my hair. Oops, there I go turning into a puddle of mush again.

He took the puppies out for me this morning - I must say, I like having a guy around who likes doing things for me! We had to leave by 1:00 to get to the basketball game at 3:00, and since we slept in (until after 10:00), we didn't have a whole lot of time to spend together today. Maybe next time we'll have a weekend with no events planned.

Then we went to the Baylor/Texas women's basketball game. It's WAY more fun going to a game where your team wins. Y'all might remember, the Lady Bears were NCAA national champions last year, and the pre-game is now a big, big production. It gave me chills and made me tear up thinking that my school is doing so well and is now getting national recognition in a fairly major sport. Granted, women's basketball isn't on quite the same level as football, but it's a lot more visible than other sports where Baylor traditionally does well (baseball, tennis, track and field). And it turned out to be a good, good game. The Lady Bears were a little sluggish at first, and there were some bad calls (and calls not made that should have been), but they came out swinging in the second half and ended up winning by about 15 points. There again, it was just so much fun going to a Baylor game with Brian - he went there, too, and he loves it as much as I do. I saw lots of people there with their little children, some really little, like less than a year old. I wish I could have brought J to games when he was that age. I will take him now that he's getting older, though - I can't wait to take him to a football game.

After the game, Brian had to go into work at his second job, so he brought me back to my car (we'd taken two cars down) and we said goodbye. I feel pretty sure he'll be back up here, because he left a couple of things at the house. Nothing like clothes or a toothbrush (I am so not to that point!), just things I know he plans on keeping, and he didn't leave them by accident.

And now I'm home, happy because I've had such a good weekend, a little down because he's not here, and a whole lot tired. We had to walk almost a mile to and from the car at the game - the parking lots that were close in were full by the time we got there. Between that and the excitement of the game, I'm just drained. I may watch a movie on DVD, or I may just take the ankle-biters out, take a hot bath, and get to bed somewhat early for once.

I'm a happy girl.

Friday, January 06, 2006

I'm still here

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted! I haven't fallen off the planet or anything, I've just been really busy.

Here are the puppies!

The black and tan is Bonnie, and the mostly black is Clyde. Clyde is the larger and more dominant of the two, but Bonnie can pin him down every once in a while. With the exception of the training process (and attendant clean-up), they're really good puppies. Once they're asleep, they stay asleep until they hear me or J of a morning. That's why I got two. :) J loves them - I couldn't get rid of them now if I wanted to.

Speaking of J, he's been on a tear lately. I was off Wednesday, for his allergist appointment and for the puppies' first vet appointment. At the vet's office, the puppies were better behaved than J was. I can't tell you how many times that day I told him how disappointed I was in his behavior. A fit at the allergist's office (more on that momentarily), a fit in Target (when we were shopping and waiting to get his prescriptions filled), a fit at the vet's office - it was NOT a restful day for me at all.

I guess the fit at the allergist's is understandable, though. She retested him for allergies, since he was so young when he was first tested. God forbid, he had to sit still for a whole five minutes! LOL Anyway, he didn't react to anything, and she said food allergies weren't real likely at this age, that they usually show up sooner. I explained about where we live (a cement plant or two, a steel plant, and a tire disposal facility all in close proximity), and she said the cause of his congestion may just be air pollution. I know that my allergies/sinuses have gotten worse since we've moved here. But it doesn't look like allergies were at the root of his latest round of sleep hell. It may have just been that he was starting with a sinus infection - he always gets wound up when he's getting sick (just never *that* bad), and he's been better now that he's feeling better.

It's date night! Make that date weekend. Brian is coming up here tonight, we're going to the movies and probably out to eat, and I'm driving down there tomorrow, and we're going to the Lady Bears basketball game (they're playing UT, so it should be a good game). Yay!!!

Work - our manager has taken a new position here, and he starts on Monday. So our team ha been split up and merged with the two other teams, and rumors abound about what might happen next. There's speculation that the center may eventually be closed completely (although some of the higher-ups deny that), and I think everyone is dusting off their resumes. We already know this merger of teams is going to be a temporary thing - we just don't know how temporary or what happens next. Ugh. Isn't job uncertainty fun?!

And that's my life in a rather small nutshell. More later!