Sunday, October 30, 2005

Eventually everything gets better. Some things just take longer.

J was asleep by 9:00 tonight. I know he was worn plumb out - he and I were both just as cranky as could be. I put him in the bath at 7:45 tonight, and he tried to put off bedtime (told me I needed to go away so he could have a poo - um, no, you've had two today, and you aren't getting away with that tonight [45 minutes last night and no poo, you'd think I'd have caught on quicker]; told me he wanted daddy when I told him to get in the bed - think daddy would let you stay up? Guess again :lol: ), but I stood firm. And when he laid down, it took him about three minutes and a cup of milk to be snoring. I hope he sleeps until 6:30 or so. He's been operating on not enough sleep for about a week and a half, and it showed. Bad timing that his no-sleep grumpies coincided with my running out of Wellbutrin - there have been moments this weekend when I felt like I could have crawled right out of my skin.

I had a big whiny pissy fest last night when I was writing in another journal. I'm still out of sorts today, but not quite as much as I was yesterday. But still - I'm sick and tired of being broke all the time. I am sick unto death of working for a company where higher-ups get bonuses big enough to buy boats (I think our CEO's bonus was in the millions) while the peons don't even get cost-of-living increases. I find it vastly unfair that I tried (not always successfully) to carry the family financially for ten years, and now K is on his own and doing OK, and I'm *still* perpetually strapped for cash. Not that it's K's fault - I'm glad he has a good job and is doing OK for himself, because I know it was hard on him not having what he saw as a good job for such a long time, and I think he had his doubts about how he'd do on his own before he moved out. I just think it sucks that I've pinched and scraped and stressed over money throughout my marriage, and now that my marriage is ending, I continue to do so. When does it get better? I mean, I filed bankruptcy to get rid of the debt I couldn't handle, and I don't think I'm extravagant (my treat to myself at Target today was about $8 worth of stuff - oooh, big spender), so I don't see how I can do much more to help myself. I can find a better-paying job, and believe me, I keep my eyes open to see what's out there. But that takes time, and some days I feel like I'm skating so close to the edge that I don't have time to be patient and wait for a really good job to come along. And I'm really, really tired of carrying that load of stress. UGH. Between that and the job that makes me feel stupid and incompetent every day, it's a wonder some days that my head hasn't exploded.

I've decided I'd like to work for the IRS. A former co-worker, also an attorney, worked there. It sounds like a fairly good situation, certainly would pay more than what I make where I am now (quite a bit more, I think), and I have the background for it (background which I will never, ever use where I am now). So I'm signing up for job notifications from there. I know, I know - think of the scope for really bad jokes, an attorney working for the IRS. I don't care. If I'm making good money at a job that doesn't make me want to bang my head against the nearest wall, I'll be laughing all the way to the bank.

I'm dreading going to work tomorrow. I have phone calls to make and that complaint to deal with. Ugh. Hopefully I can find the intestinal fortitude to just jump in and get the nasties over with.

Baylor lost this weekend. To Texas Tech. For Homecoming. 28-0. UGH. That's our worst loss this year.

I'd better get some sleep - tomorrow promises to suck ass, and the sun isn't even up yet.

Friday, October 28, 2005

When it rains, it pours

Great. I just got another complaint - "no follow through." Well, gee, when we've all got the work of three people on our desks, is it such a surprise that things get overlooked?!?! That's one of the things that just kills me - it's the general consensus that we all have more to do than any one human can possibly handle, but there seems to be no interest in doing anything about it. More with less, more with less. One thing gets taken off our plates, four things get put back on, and we all get farther and farther behind. If anyone here is truly *caught up* with their work, I'd love to know how they're doing it.

I don't even have the energy to address this complaint right now, it will have to wait until Monday (and if God loves me, I'll get voice mail when I call, because I don't think the person I'm calling will like my answer).

Tequila and a straw, please


Why is it that when I try to do something to help a teammate, it bites me in the butt? I offered to review some accounts for one of my co-workers - the reviews are due like yesterday and she's in the middle of this big phone call push that I'm not having to do (because I'm doing everything else for my book of accounts and John's book of accounts). Well, one of them requires other information that is in the file, but hasn't been updated. So I have to update this information - for the account and for the six beneficiaries - to get the review approved. And I let something slip through the cracks and got called on it yesterday. Unfortunately this particular thing involved someone much higher up the food chain than me, so my slip-up was brought to the attention of my manager, his manager, and her manager. Yeah, when I screw up, I do it big. It's been resolved now, I think, but I'm just mortified that it went that far, and it likely won't do my annual review any good.

Is it next weekend yet? Hell, is it 5:00 yet?! I just feel like I've been beaten with sticks.

At least I'm getting free lunch today - my co-worker whose account reviews I've taken off her desk is buying me lunch. :)

And I have a date next weekend! Woo! I've been e-mailing back and forth with a guy named Brian - he went to Baylor, graduated a couple of years after I did (we didn't know each other there, we've alread figured that out - but wouldn't that have been funny? LOL). He's as big a nut about Baylor football as I am, and he has tickets to next weekend's Baylor/UT game, so I'm driving down to Waco and we'll go to the game. Should be fun! I'm looking forward to it - I haven't been to a Baylor game since before J was born.

I'd better get back to work - this crap won't do itself. If it wasn't my weekend with J and the open house at Little Gym, I'd come in on Saturday for a while, just to have some extra time to get things done. Yeah, the glamorous life of a single woman, that's what I lead!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Work and dating and so tired, oh my!

I had some thoughts, but I'm so tired I'm not even sure where to start. J was up until 10:00 last night - again - and woke up at 4:40 this morning, wanting daddy. I told him daddy was at the bitty house, that it was time to go back to sleep, and he said he didn't want to sleep, he wanted to rock. So we rocked in the rocking chair, and when I thought he'd gone back to sleep, I got up to put him back in the bed. He said he didn't WANT to go back to bed, and when I put him down, he laid down in the floor and wanted me to lay down next to him. I said no, I wasn't laying down in the floor, if he wanted me to lay down with him, he could go get in the bed. So he did, finally, and I laid down with him, hoping he'd go on back to sleep. But he was bouncy-fidgety-squirmy (even though he was yawning fit to pop his head right off), and it took him a while to settle down. By the time he gave it up and went back to sleep, it was 5:30. I contemplated just staying up, since my alarm goes off at 5:45. But then I said, no, I want just that little bit more rest - and then I promptly overslept. I heard my alarms, I just kept hitting snooze. Why is it that having your sleep interrupted in the middle of the night can wipe you out more than just staying up late? I feel like I could fall over. I think it's time for some Diet Coke and Sudafed.

K has plans for the evening. I have no problem with that, but it struck me that I'll be a lot more limited in terms of opportunities to have plans than he will. We've agreed that we won't have people around J if they're people we're just casually seeing - no one spends time with the boy unless it looks like they'll be around for the long term. Well, J is with me except for every other weekend. So that pretty much means that every other weekend is the only time I'll have for socializing. I know K has said he'd watch J for me, but I can't put that off on him all the time, and besides, it would be kind of odd to go on a date with your soon-to-be-ex providing child care. Not that I really have a whole lot of energy to go out on weeknights - most all of my effort goes into work and taking care of J. But still - should I ever reach a point where I'm fairly serious about someone but not quite yet to the point where I'd be ready for them to be around J, it might be a bit challenging trying to see where a relationship might go if the only time I'm free is every other weekend. Perhaps I worry too much, I don't know. And sometimes I think I'm nuts to try to get out and meet people at all, given that J is so young right now and requires more attention and effort from mama than an older child would. I don't know. This may all be a wasted worry. It's just something that's popped into my mind recently.

We're going out to lunch for the October birthdays on the team today - On the Border, yummy! I'm starving - good thing we're going kind of early.

And on the job front - I am buried right now, but in the long run, it's all for the good. Once a lot of this stuff is cleaned up and taken care of, it won't be a problem in the future - a lot of it is work that only needs to be done once. So in the long run, it should pay off. I've decided to stick it out and give this my best effort, and see if me doing a better job leads to a bonus and/or raise. If this team approach to administration is working, and I'm blowing the top off the admin/compliance stuff and John is blowing the top off the client touch stuff and we still don't get any sort of financial benefit for the effort, then I'll rethink that. But right now, barring some really strange developments, I'm going to stay here.

Back to work - the reviews won't do themselves. More later!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Not quite sure what to make of this....

So my journal comes up in a search for "pictures of people taking a poop in a toilet"? Ewwww. I know that it's a fairly frequent topic of conversation (after all, I do have a three-year-old), but I don't think I've ever taken a picture of it. Again, ewwww.......

On that happy note, I'm outta here.

I am proud!

Baylor - no longer the good-news Bears:

They're no longer the good-news Bears
At 4-1, Baylor baring its teeth in the Big 12 for first time
Copyright 2005 Houston Chronicle

WACO - The old Baylor Bears spent nine years as Big 12 pushovers, never won more than three games in a season and had little in common with the rest of the league by mid-October.

The new and improved Baylor Bears are off to their best start since 1995, need two victories to qualify for a bowl and enter this weekend only one game out of first place in the same Big 12 South Division that has treated them like outcasts the past decade.

The new Baylor Bears are loose and relaxed, confident but not cocky — and no longer an automatic "W" for their opponents.

Just ask Iowa State, which became the first conference team to lose at home to Baylor dating to the old Southwest Conference with a 23-13 loss at Ames, Iowa, on Saturday.

Just ask Texas A&M, which needed overtime at College Station to avoid a second consecutive loss to the Bears.

"We feel like anybody — and I mean anybody — that steps on the field has to deal with us and not us having to deal with them," junior cornerback C.J. Wilson said. "Our confidence has been growing so much since two-a-days. I've looked at USC on TV a couple of times and said, 'Lord, please just let us to get to this game where we can play against these guys.' In the past, you wouldn't have heard that coming from a Baylor team.

"We're not backing down from anybody ... USC, Texas, it really doesn't matter. We want to go against the best."

This isn't the same Bears team that lost 37 consecutive Big 12 road games. It's not the same team that has endured nine consecutive losing seasons. It's not the same team that has gone through four coaches in 10 seasons. Nor is it the same team that has not gone bowling outside Waco Lanes since 1994.

"Those thoughts pop up about every 10 minutes," senior linebacker Tyler Lindstrom said. "It's nice to daydream. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's a good feeling. We haven't played this well in a long time, so why not?"

If anything has surprised third-year coach Guy Morriss about the 4-1 start it's that he thought the Bears would be undefeated after five games. That's why Morriss, not shy about speaking his mind, calls Saturday's conference game against Nebraska at Floyd Casey Stadium "the most significant game we have played since I've been here."

Yes, the same Nebraska Cornhuskers who have averaged 52.8 points in their last five meetings with Baylor, including a 59-27 win last year at Lincoln.

Last year, Nebraska was favored by 23 points; this year, the Cornhuskers are favored by two.

"I think Nebraska has lost a lot of its mystique and its intimidation," senior linebacker Colin Allred said. "It's not just Nebraska. We're better, so we don't have to be in awe."

Asked if he knew what a Blackshirt was, Wilson said, "I have a few of those in my closest," a slight — unintentional or not — of the Nebraska tradition that involves first-team defensive starters wearing black practice jerseys.

Iowa State coach Dan McCarney said this is the best Baylor team he has seen in 11 seasons with the Cyclones.

"It's no fluke they're 4-1," McCarney said. "Their team speed is better. They play with poise, and they're playing good defense. That's a good football team."

The Bears' turnaround can be traced to improvement on both sides of the football, particularly on defense. Baylor has forced 12 turnovers in five games (they had only nine all of last season). Since allowing 23 points to SMU in the season opener, the Bears have not allowed more than 16 since.

"I've been hearing since I got here about how we were in the past and what we're doing now," Allred said. "We definitely want to live up to that (defensive) reputation and get the tradition restarted. We definitely had a dead period. We just want to start over."

Is Baylor bowl-worthy?

The remaining schedule includes home games against the Cornhuskers on Saturday, Texas Tech, Texas and Oklahoma State. The Bears visit Oklahoma and Missouri.

And if they qualify for the postseason, Morriss and his players won't be surprised.

"The Baylor faithful has been waiting for an opportunity to say, 'That's my university; that's my school,' and look what they're doing," Wilson said.


Notable accomplishments for Baylor this season:

• The 4-1 start is the Bears' best since 1995.

• Won a Big 12 road game for the first time in the league's 10-year history last week, beating Iowa State 23-13. The Bears had been 0-37 on the road in the Big 12.

• The three road victories are Baylor's most since it had four in 1995.

• With four victories, the Bears need to win only two of their final six games to become bowl eligible. Baylor hasn't been to the postseason since losing to Washington State 10-3 in the 1994 Alamo Bowl.

• Defensively, the Bears have held opponents to 23 or fewer points in five consec-utive games to open a season for the first time since 1991.

• Has already forced more turnovers (12) through five games than in 11 games (nine) last season.


Yes, we lost to OU this weekend - but they had to go to two overtimes to do it. No, we aren't winning all our games - but we're playing them to the end, not quitting in the first half. No, we may not make a bowl game this season - but I'll bet we do next season.

It's been a long, long time since Baylor had a team worth cheering for. I'm always a fan, not just in fair weather, but it sure did hurt to see Baylor take beating after beating after beating. I am so glad to see my school get to a point where the team can walk into any game feeling like they can win it, rather than just hoping to keep from losing by an embarrassing amount. I'm glad to see we're no longer an "easy win" for Big XII opponents, but that they might want to take us a bit more seriously than they have in the past. Should J play football and be good enough to play at the college level, and should he choose to go to Baylor (and wouldn't I be one proud mama if he did!), I would love for Baylor to have a team he could be excited and proud to play for. And it looks like we're headed in that direction.

SIC 'EM BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Nothing ever goes as planned

Alas, the restful weekend I had planned hasn't come to pass. I met K and J at Little Gym this morning, and after class J told me he wanted to come back to the big house (my house). I asked didn't he want to hang out with daddy, and he said, "No, I just want to hang out with mama." He was pretty adamant about it, so I told K that J could come on back to the big house, but that I'd need him to stay with J since I already had plans to go to a Tupperware party at a girlfriend's house this afternoon. He said he would. So we all went to the library (I got books, K and J played outside), K picked up J's things from the apartment, I picked up lunch, and we all came back here.

I knew J was tired. He nearly fell asleep in the car on the way back from the library and driving through for lunch, and he very seldom does that on short car rides unless he's just zonked. (Of course, he hasn't gotten more than nine hours of sleep a night, with no naps during the day, for over a week - I guess so, he's tired!) We got back to the house and played outside for a while after we ate. I got ready for my party, told J I'd be back in a little while, blew him a kiss, and left. No fuss, no muss.

Got to the party, and I'd been there about an hour when my phone rang. It was K. J fell asleep in the floor not too long after I left. When K woke him up (in hopes that the unusual nap wouldn't have him up all night tonight), J was just ROARING. I could hear him in the background, just incoherently screaming. I knew he was tired, and he kept saying that the snot was hurting him. So I left the party early, stopped to pick up some sinus medicine for J and a few other things, and headed home. J took two more little naps before I got home (if he's falling asleep in the floor THAT much, he's beyond exhausted), so that meant he'd slept for over two hours during the day. He was still grumpy when I first got home, but perked up after a bit. (I asked him if he'd just wanted mama to come home when he was throwing that fit, and he said, "Yeah." Stinker! I don't think that was all there was to it, though - I think he did feel bad, and I know when I'm tired everything seems about four times worse than it actually is. I'm sure it's the same for him.) So my weekend to myself went right out the window. My first break in almost two months, and it's not even 24 hours long. Counting the fact that I went to Little Gym this morning, it was barely a 12-hour break - 6:00 last night (when I got home from work) to 10:00 this morning. K says he'll make it up to me, and he will. It's just that now, the first weekend in November seems so very far away.

Oh, and J was up until 11:00 tonight. AACK. I just hope that the really late bedtime means he'll sleep past the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow. I'm really not looking forward to the time change. He'll be up nasty early once that hits.

Here's something interesting: K picked J up for me on Thursday, as I needed to run by Target and was running late. K told me they were out walking in the back yard (here at my house), and J looked across the yard (I've got about 8/10 of an acre here) and said, "Who is that walking over there?" There was no one there.

K and I talked a bit about paperwork today. I told him I'd had the forms downloaded for several months, and he seemed a bit surprised. I said, what, I wanted to see what they looked like, and if it turned out I hadn't needed them, I would have deleted them, no harm done! LOL No specifics as far as filing, we just talked a little bit about how specific we needed to be on various things. Unless a judge really wants extreme detail, I don't think we need to say who gets what picture and who gets what piece of furniture, things like that. We've already pretty well divvied up furniture, and I know what artwork he brought to the marriage, so he can take any of that that he wants. I think the biggest things we'll have to specify as far as property are cars, house, and who's responsible for the house note (that would be me, since I'm keeping the house). Personal stuff - he takes his, I take mine. Child support - we've already worked that out, and I know he'd help more if I needed it, so I'm not real worried about getting some ironclad agreement on that. Custody and visitation - there again, we've pretty much worked it out, and if something changes to where we feel the need to work around what's in the agreement, I think we can work together and neither of us will feel the need to run back to court to quibble over a day or two difference in what the schedule says. Perhaps some of you may think I'm being overly optimistic, but really, given the things K and I have talked about already, I don't think there's anything we can't work out (well, with the exception of putting a marriage back together - in a friend and parenting context, we get along fabulously). I think the only thing either of us would feel really strongly about at this point is J being exposed to a lot of people in and out of our lives, and that's nothing you can really go to court over. We both agree that we don't want this to be any more confusing for him than it may be already, and if either of us date, then we don't want whoever we're dating around J unless it looks like a long-term thing. Anyway, no firm date set to file or anything, but the topic is out there.

Baylor didn't quite beat OU today, but we made them work for it - we lost in double overtime. I can't even remember the last time a Baylor team was able to play close up through two overtimes. So I do think the football program is improving, even if we aren't necessarily racking up a huge number of wins. We're not laying down and dying on the field anymore, and that's big-time progress. Besides, I still think we should knock off UT this year - we're just saving ourselves for that.

I'd better get some sleep, just in case Himself is up before the chickens. More later!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Alone at last

Well, at least I will be tonight. J is going to K's for the first time in I can't remember when. Is 6:30 too early to go to bed? I feel like I could just go home, put on my jammies, turn out the light and crash.

I gave myself a scare last night. J was in his room, getting ready for bath time. I went into the washroom to turn on the security system. It has a delay of about a minute, and while it was beeping as it set, I went into the kitchen. It stopped beeping, I walked into the living room, and.... WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!!!! The alarm went off. After a moment of blinding panic in which I thought, I just set the damn thing, how can anyone be in the house, I looked at the keypad by the front door and realized that zone 3 was the problem. That's the motion detector in the living room. I'd forgotten to turn it off when I set the alarm (can't exactly keep it on while we're in the house!). D'OH!!!! I quickly turned the alarm off, and J came running into the living room - "Mama, what was THAT?!" He wasn't scared, just curious. I explained that that was the alarm to keep the house safe, I'd forgotten to set it right, and it thought I was someone who wasn't supposed to be there. He was fine and went right on. After my heart settled back in my chest, I waited for the alarm company to call. No call. ??? K called - they'd left him a message on his cell phone that the alarm had gone off. As I was talking to him, my cell beeped, letting me know I had a message. It was the alarm company, saying they'd been notified and had dispatched the police about ten minutes earlier. YIKES!!! (Not sure why my phone didn't ring, or why their number didn't even show up on my phone as a missed or incoming call, but it didn't.) K gave me the number, and I frantically called back, hoping to keep the cops from coming out (J was in the bathtub by this point, and I knew if a police truck showed up in our driveway with lights flashing, I'd never get him to bed! LOL). Turns out they had the OLD house number (as in three numbers ago) on file as the first to call, then K's cell, then mine. Gotta call and change that today - they need the correct home number, and I should be the first one they call. The man I spoke to confirmed my identity and password, I explained that I'd set it off in error, and he said he'd notify the police it was a false alarm. So it all turned out OK, I just freaked myself out big time. LOL

Then this morning really started off with a bang. J woke up not wanting to go to school. I told him he'd get to go to the bitty house with daddy after school, and he informed me that he wanted to go to the bitty house instead of school. D'oh. Anyway, I got things packed up and got him in the car, and he started as soon as we got there: "I don't wanna go to school, I don't LIKE school." *SIGH* We went inside, and as soon as we got near his class he glued himself to my legs. His class was going outside - "I don't like outside". (This from the boy who told K last night that it wasn't dark yet when the sun was completely below the horizon and there was just a glimmer of light in the sky, that he didn't want to go inside yet. Yeah, he doesn't like outside, he'd just live there if I'd pitch him a tent.) He laid down in the floor and wouldn't go. He cried, he screamed. I finally got him outside and told him I loved him and I was going to work, and I could hear him howling as I left: "I want mama! I want more sugars!" I got in the car and just sobbed. K says J is just pushing my buttons. Be that as it may, that's not what I want to hear when I'm that upset - yes, logically I know he's fine once I leave, and some days it's a fight to get him home because he doesn't want to leave. But when he screams like that, pushing buttons or no, it feels like my heart is being ripped right out of my chest and hacked into lots of tiny little pieces. K doesn't normally do daycare drop-off, and even when he has done, I'm not sure J ever does that same kind of thing (or at least not to that extent) with him, so I'm not sure he really realizes how much it hurts to hear J screaming as the last thing before I leave. And, too, I'm not sure how much of it is pure button-pushing on J's part, at least not today. His regular teacher is out, which throws off his routine. He likes Ms. Rachel just fine, but she's not his regular teacher. He's not getting enough sleep - up until 10:00 or later (and by "up" I don't mean up playing or running around, I mean just not sleeping) and out of bed in the morning by 7 on a consistent basis isn't enough sleep for me, much less for a three-year-old. He's been on this little schedule for about a week, so I'm sure he's plumb exhausted. I'm cranky when I'm tired, it's no different for J, I'm sure. And he knew he was going to the bitty house today and wanted to go there instead of school (never mind that I'd told him daddy was at work and would pick him up after school, he wanted to go RIGHT THEN). And those are things I either have no control over (like when his teacher will be back - her son has been sick, so she's been out most of the week), or can't figure out how to change (like him staying awake until after 10:00 - doesn't matter if it's dark and quiet, I can put him in bed but I can't make him sleep, and nothing but nothing knocks J out - not Benadryl, not cough syrup with codeine, not bourbon [yes, in a fit of desperation, I tried once]). A lot of the time he's good about me leaving - Ms. Annie will take his hand, and he'll go on with her with a minimum of fuss. Ms. Rachel doesn't do that so much - I like her, but I like Annie better, because she will jump in and get J's attention focused elsewhere and engage him more if she sees he's having a really, really clingy day. So I'm not sure I agree 100% with K's assessment that J is just yanking my chain - if that were it, I'd think he'd have this howling fit, or something close to it, every single day. I don't know. All I know is, it sucks starting the day hearing your child howl as you're walking away from him.

And now I'm at work. I think I like this new set-up. Yes, it's tons of work, and I'm fried at the end of the day. But I'm not fried in the same way I would be if I were on the phones all the time - that stresses me out more than anything. And John said his wife commented on how much less stressed he is the last few days. He says phone calls are tiring, but to him, it's a good tired, because he feels like he's doing something that can really make a difference to our clients. So hopefully we'll do such a fabulous job that the powers that be will realize that something other than "the model" can not only work, but can be a success. And if we get to keep at it, from my end, a lot of the things I'm really putting lots of effort into right now will be cleaned up in time, and the book of accounts will be a lot easier to manage. Then it will just be a question of annual reviews and cleaning up new accounts that come in. So I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest right now, but it can be a big benefit down the road (and will hopefully allow me to do a good enough job to get a raise and a bonus this next year).

Lunchtime - more later!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Do people just not think?

This story just made me want to cry:

Parents Accused of Starving Infant to Death

Oct. 18, 2005 — A Florida couple accused of starving their baby to death are scheduled to face two of their surviving children in court today.

Joseph Andressohn, 36, and Lamoy Andressohn, 30, are charged with aggravated manslaughter and neglect in the death of their daughter, Woyah, who was 6 months old when she died in May 2003. The Andressohns also face four counts of child neglect stemming from the care of their four surviving children who are living with a relative under state supervision. The Andressohns say Woyah died from a genetic disorder that caused her malnutrition.

Two of the Andressohns' surviving children, ages 6 and 8, are scheduled to testify for the prosecution today. The Andressohns had another child after Woyah's death, a girl named Joya, who is now 6 months old and is being cared for by a guardian.

Paramedics found Woyah's lifeless body on the floor of her parents' living room in May 2003 after her parents placed a frantic 911 call. The little girl's body was described as "emaciated" in a medical report, with ribs clearly visible through her stretched skin. An autopsy showed Woyah never learned to sit, stand or lift her head on her own. In the weeks before her death, she had trouble keeping her eyes open, and they would spontaneously roll back into her head. She weighed less than 7 pounds when she died, just a few ounces more than when she was born and less than half of an average 6-month-old.

Prosecutors say the Andressohns starved Woyah to death by restricting her to a raw food diet, also known as a vegan diet or a "living foods lifestyle," feeding her only wheat grass, coconut water and milk made from almonds.

"Those parents caused their child Woyah to suffer malnutrition so severe that it turned that child into a bag of skin and bones," said assistant Florida state attorney Herbert Walker in court. "Baby Woyah's body was eating itself because it wasn't getting enough nutrients."

The defense will argue the Andressohns had no reason to believe Woyah was developing abnormally since her parents and grandparents are "small" and their first four children were also small until they reached the age of 1.

The Diet

The two main principals of the raw food diet is that humans aren't meant to eat animal products such as meat or dairy, and that cooking diminishes the nutritional value of food. Followers of the diet believe heating food above 118 degrees will kill the enzymes in it, diminishing its nutritional value.

"For a child that is 6 months old, they don't have any intestinal ability yet to digest raw foods," said Heidi Skolnick, a nutritionist and contributing editor for Men's Health magazine. "Most babies, you don't even introduce solids for four or six months."

The entire Andressohn family adhered to the diet, although Joseph Andressohn has been known to smoke and eat meat.

The Andressohns say they were trying to keep their children from becoming "obese." Joseph Andressohn had struggled with a weight problem, and at one time reached 250 pounds. Friends say he was determined to save his children from repeating his mistakes.

The Andressohns say they attended conferences, watched educational parenting shows and read books before deciding to put their children on the diet. It has also been reported the family's diet may have been connected to their religion, known as "Hebrew Israelite" which promotes raw food and natural eating.

The Florida Supreme Court has ruled parents have the right to raise their children according to their spiritual beliefs, but have held that religion may not be used as a defense in cases of abuse and neglect of medical treatment for a child.

Woyah had no medical records and the couple told police they did not believe in traditional medical care. They said they avoided doctors except in extreme circumstances, administering wheatgrass enemas to cure their children's sickness.

None of the Andressohn children received immunizations, none has ever been to a doctor and all were born at home.

The defense insists Woyah did not die from starvation, but of a genetic disorder that caused her malnutrition.

"It didn't make a difference what the diet was for the child was who died because she was doomed because of these congenital defects," said the Andressohn's attorney, Rubin Ellis.

The prosecution will present its case today, and two of the Andressohn children are expected to testify on a closed circuit TV because prosecutors say they are too afraid and traumatized to be in the same room with their parents.

At the time of Woyah's death, all of her siblings were found to be below average height and weight for their age and at least one showed signs of rickets, a bone deficiency caused by a lack of vitamin D. The children told court psychologists they were given forced enemas and beaten with a belt for violating the diet.

The defense says the children have been "brainwashed."

"When she was first interviewed 28 months ago, there were no such allegations," Ellis said of one of the children. "Gradually they changed their testimony. Little children can be brainwashed, of course.

"The child died because of a congenital defect which, when the child swallowed, the fluid came back up the esophagus," Ellis said. "This child inhaled some of that … some of the food particles went into the lungs and caused pneumonia and the child died."

The trial is expected to wrap up within the next two weeks. If convicted on all charges, the Andressohns could face more than 17 years each in prison.


It's a free country - people can have whatever religious convictions they want, and if those convictions dictate what they eat, drink, wear, that's their business. But how can anyone not know that a diet of wheat grass, coconut water and almond milk isn't enough for infants?!?! Why not breastfeed? All I can think of there is that the mother's nutrition was so poor that she couldn't produce any milk. Why not give formula? Did these people grow up in bubbles to where they've never seen a baby given formula? And I don't care how small your family is, when a five-month-old weighs less than ten pounds (I saw that little tidbit in a story on the topic posted to one of the parenting boards I frequent), unless that child was a micro-preemie, THAT'S NOT NORMAL. And a child only gaining a few ounces in the six months following her birth is called failure to thrive. If they'd bothered to take the baby to a pediatrician, or picked up a parenting book (there are lots out there), they'd have been made aware of that fact. If the parents wanted to eat nothing but wheat grass and coconut water, that was their prerogative. But they should have known to feed those children. And gee, the children have gained weight now that they're following a vegetarian diet that actually includes food. There's a shocker.

Oh, and saying they wanted to keep their children from being obese? I'm just on the floor with that one. Everything you read about children says that in the first two years, at least, you DON'T COUNT CALORIES. Children need good fat in sufficient quantities to allow proper development. If you want to make sure your children develop healthy eating habits, and teach them about proper portion sizes, that's one thing. I want J to learn to eat a variety of things, and so far he does, and he knows to stop eating when he's full. But to essentially starve your children to keep them from getting fat?! Not even to put them on a sensible diet because they do have weight problems, but to starve them in case they *might* have a tendency toward excessive weight gain?! I hope the jury throws the book at these people. That is criminal neglect, there's no other way to describe it.

Oh, and that attorney saying this was because the baby had a congenital defect? Well, gosh, the children had never been to a doctor. If something was wrong, had the parents taken her to a doctor, perhaps this alleged defect could have been corrected. Did they wait until the baby stopped breathing to call 911? It never, ever occurred to them as her ribs started to show through her skin and she never learned to sit up or hold her head up that perhaps their baby wasn't developing normally?!?!?!? You have to have a license in the State of Texas to shampoo someone's hair for a living, but apparently you don't even have to have common sense to reproduce. This makes me sick.

And now that I'm good and mad and have stayed up too late again, I'm going to go try to sleep after I kiss my happy, healthy boy as he sleeps.


I'm just insanely busy at work. Ultimately, Illinois accounts should be some of the cleanest and best-run in the center, but right now, I'm up to my eyeballs in work. More later, no time now!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Well, that was a waste of $10

I stopped at Target the other day on my way home from work. I was in the mood for something loud, and in the "up and coming" section I saw a CD by a group called As I Lay Dying. I thought, hey, $10, it might be fun! Ha. Here's a perfect example of why you should always listen online first before you buy. I put it in the CD player in my car, and when I heard the opening chords, I thought, hmm, this might be fun! The the so-called vocals started. They were what K describes as "Cookie Monster vocals" - you know, the kind where the guy is just shouting in a very growly voice, to where it sounds like he'll really need a lozenge when he's done. I couldn't even pick out words. He could have been speaking Swahili for all I could tell. So I thought I'd forward through a few songs, see if maybe it improved. It didn't. I kid you not, it all sounded like a continuation of the same song. Same hooks, same key, everything. It's going to Half Price Books - it sucks.

I stopped at Target again this morning to drop off J's prescription (sinus infection, we saw the doctor first thing this morning). Still in the mood for something loud, I thought I'd take a look at the CD's again. This time I stuck with what I know - Megadeth. :-) Dave Mustaine has issues. He'd probably be a real kick to go have a beer with. It's the greatest hits CD, and man, is it LOUD. I like it. Why is it that some loud things can be both loud and musical (like this), and some things are just loud and not particularly musical at all (like that piece of crap I bought the other day)?

When I went to visit my dad last weekend, we talked about what he's going to do with the property. Besides the house I grew up in, he's also got the new house (where he and my stepmom now live) and about 10 or 11 acres of land. He's constantly out there mowing and cleaning up, and he's too old to keep on doing that. My stepmom and I were talking about it first - she said she'd told Daddy that they might need to consider trying to sell. He can't keep on doing all that work himself - he'll be 79 in January, and that's a lot of work. My stepmom can't do it, and my dad is such a perfectionist that no one else could ever tend to it up to his standards, so there's no point in telling him to get someone to help. And then Daddy brought it up. He said that it would go to me when he died, and asked me what I'd do with it. I said that realistically I'd have to try to sell it, that I couldn't take care of it being all the way over here in Texas. He asked if I'd ever move home, and I told him that I really didn't see that happening - there's nothing for me to do there, it's not like I could even set up my own practice, Avoyelles Parish has more attorneys than they need now. I'll miss being able to go back of the house and sit on the swing and enjoy the quiet, but I don't see myself ever going home. And then he told me they may try to sell, that he can't keep up with it. That made me a little sad - not only for the property being gone eventually, but because that's the first time I've ever heard my dad admit to weakness (and saying he can't keep up with the work is doing just that in his mind). He is getting old, and I won't have him forever. While we were going over some things, he also said he couldn't remember things like he used to, and that he couldn't focus like he used to. In some ways that's good, because he always remembered way too much and got way too uptight about things, but it makes me sad because my grandfather (his father) got that way. In the years before he passed, my grandfather didn't remember any of us - Daddy was his only son, and he didn't know who Daddy was. It was hard to see, and I don't want to think of my dad possibly going through that. I know getting older and the problems that go along with it, and eventually death, is all just part of life. But he's the only dad I've got, and when the inevitable happens (God willing, not any time soon), I'll miss him. It makes me sad to contemplate that.

J really is a big boy. I went out to my car to take the car seat out and adjust the straps, since they're too small for him now (too short, and barely wide enough to snap across his chest - it's a Britax Super Elite, with a five-point harness that theoretically is good up to 80 pounds). Turns out they couldn't be made any longer, and just moving them up higher wouldn't do any good, because it wouldn't add any length. So I'll be stopping on the way home and picking up a belt-positioning booster in addition to J's prescription. He'll be thrilled - that's what he has in K's car, and he's told me more than once that he wants a seat like in Daddy's car. But it just means more money out of my checking account. *SIGH* I really, really, really need a raise, or a winning lotto ticket, or for a Brinks armored car to lose a bag or two of cash right in front of my house. If the job changes become permanent and work out like I'm hoping they will, I'll stay here, but if I'm kicking ass, they'd better pay me more - lots more.

Today hasn't been quite as smokin' a day in terms of what I've accomplished. Part of that is because I was late getting here - by the time I took J to the doctor and dropped off his prescription, I was 10:00 getting here. Then K and I went to lunch (if any of you are in the Dallas area, check out Fuse on Commerce Street - excellent!), so I didn't eat at my desk. (Not that I'm complaining, mind you - what I had was way better than the leftovers I would have had if I'd eaten in, and the break was nice. I just lost a little momentum when I went out to eat.) And part of it is because my get-up-and-go just got up and went. Although my partner has told me that some people on the floor don't think our little experiment has a chance of working, because it doesn't follow the model (which has worked oh, so well, hasn't it? Oy). So I take that as a personal challenge - I'm determined to prove it *will* work, and will work well. Tomorrow I'll find the motivation again and really hit it. I've got a committee meeting at 3, which will take at least half an hour if not longer, so the momentum for the afternoon will be hard to get back. Tomorrow, though, is another day.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Ups and downs

It's been a day of good and not so good. Work seems to be much improved. It looks like the reallocation of responsibilities between me and my partner could turn out to be a really good thing. I was busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest today, but I was doing things I didn't hate, according to my own timetable. What I didn't like about how we'd previously done things was the fact that very seldom did a day come along where you could actually do things you'd planned to do. There was always some emergency cropping up that had to be dealt with RIGHT AWAY. Today I didn't feel that stress. I'm curious to see how long the experiment continues, and whether the two of us get bonuses come spring.

The evening has been a challenge. J has been grumpy, grumpy, grumpy - no less than three meltdowns between bath and finally falling asleep around 10:15. I think he's getting sick - probably a sinus infection, as he's got gobs of green goo coming from his nose - and that's probably a big part of the horrible attitude. I ended up rocking him to sleep, and I fell asleep in the chair with him. I just hope he isn't so restless that he's up and down tonight. I'm thinking it's time to go see the pediatrician tomorrow morning.

And since I'm planning to do that, I'd better go to bed - I don't want to sleep through my alarm if I want to be at the doctor's office by 7:30. More later!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Help, anyone?

Well, I'd planned to go to bed earlier than usual tonight. J was sacked out before 9:00, and I thought I'd just hop online for a bit. All of a sudden, I've got a McAfee warning window popping up saying some nasty has been found on my computer and recommending I scan for viruses. I did, and found some trojan that I couldn't clean, delete or quarantine. No idea how I got the little bastard - I didn't open unknown e-mail attachments or run any executable files or do any of the things you typically associate with catching computer crud, I was just surfing the Net. I then spent two hours scanning, getting online help, and downloading updates that were supposed to help me get the offending files off my system. I haven't been able to figure out if they've worked, because I wasn't able to do all that the instructions I got said to do. I'm not running virus scan again tonight because it's late and I'm tired. If anyone has any thoughts on getting trojans off a Windows XP system, please e-mail me and share.

I'm going to bed. Dammit, I knew I should have just gone to bed right after J did.

Friday, October 14, 2005

It's something in the air

I don't know what's going on with me, but I've apparently got something going on - two e-mails and two winks on Match, and now C has called me! (I am so laughing.) We talked about Chuck's death and the services and how our former co-workers are dealing for a bit. We talked about J for a bit. He asked if this was my free weekend, and I said no, next weekend was, and I planned to sleep the whole time. LOL And we talked some more about this and that. Turns out he was going to ask me out to dinner this weekend if I was free. I'm still laughing. I mean, I'll go out to dinner, strictly as friends - after all, we have known each other for five years now. But if he's even thinking that we can go out as in date, I'd have to put the kibosh on that real quick. (Unless I did want to do the bitch thing and bail on him like he did on me - you know, I've never gotten to be a real bitch to anyone.... LOL) I just think it's funny. I think that, outside of my marriage, this is more male attention than I got in high school and college combined. It's rather a novel concept!


I'm excited - I got two pairs of boots, which would normally cost about $180 combined, for $32.00! Gotta love eBay. Here's what I got:

Can you tell I like boots? I needed some shoes for fall and winter. A couple of pairs of pumps and I should be set.

J is doing well with no bed rail. Last night he didn't fall at all - not on the floor, not between the bed and the wall. Such a big boy. And now he's starting to ask about letters and what words start with. He'll say (for example), "Mama, what does Pop-Tart spell?" (That's how he asks what something starts with, and he was eating a Pop-Tart at the time.) So I'll tell him, and then I can ask him if other words start with the same letter. It's really fun, and it's so neat to see him learning things. Last night, though, he used it as a tactic to delay bedtime, the little stinker. He was asking about his Thomas characters - first he asked what Bertie the Bus started with, then James. I told him that Bertie started with B, just like bed, and James started with J, just like his name, and that it was time for J to go to bed! I tell you, he'll try anything not to go to sleep.

I've suddenly become a popular girl - two e-mails and a wink on Match! I've e-mailed one guy back - he's a fellow Baylor grad, and it sounds like we have a good bit in common. He graduated two years after I did, and I don't think he's anyone I knew while I was there (although it's sometimes hard to tell from online pictures if you recognize someone or not!). So we'll see what happens!

I totally overslept this morning - I didn't wake up until 7:10, when J started talking. I usually remember hitting snooze, I wake up enough to do that. Not this morning - I have no conscious memory of even hearing the clock. So the day started off running. But I showered, got dressed, got J dressed, and got a Pop-Tart and milk for him to eat in the car, and we were out the door by 7:45. Not terrible, I've done worse! I was at work by 8:30 - again, I've done worse.

And work is - well, work. I'm doing what I can, just trying to make it through another day.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Crawling out of the pity pit

I'm a bit better now. Still not sure how I'll manage, but I'm not wailing and gnashing my teeth anymore.

The wife of one of my co-workers collects bears. I mentioned that I had a substantial collection I wanted to thin out, and he said she'd like first shot at whatever I want to sell. So that may bring in a few extra bucks. Or more than a few - I have a lot of bears! LOL

It's been a busy day at work. I've hardly stopped. And I've still got piles of stuff to do. I'll be glad when we get the work divided up to where I'm not doing so much of the people stuff anymore. People make me tired.

We took the bed rails off J's bed yesterday. He was thrilled! I didn't sleep very well, fearing he might fall off the bed. He did, but not in the direction I expected - he fell and got stuck between the wall and the bed (a very small space, because the bed is supposed to be right next to the wall)! I heard a "thump, THUMP" sometime around midnight, followed by howling. I figured he'd fallen onto the floor, and it took me a minute to find him wedged between wall and bed. He was fine, just scared, and after I got him settled back down, he wanted me to lay down with him. I did, and it only took a minute or two for him to go on back to sleep. And he was fine the rest of the night. I'm glad the bed rail is gone. That makes it a lot easier to make up the bed.

Almost time to go home!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I can't keep functioning like this

My checking account has overdrawn. Again. I have a little bit of money I can put in it, but my savings account is down to nothing. I had $12,000, and it's gone. Because my fucking job doesn't pay me enough to live on. Because gas costs $3 a gallon. Because I like to occasionally eat out or buy a little something for myself. I don't think I'm an extravagant person. I drive a car that's paid for. I'm making do with the clothes I have in my closet. I buy shoes when my old ones wear out. But I can't make ends meet on what my job pays me. That's pathetic, and I'm really at my wits' end now. I don't have a financial safety net anymore. Yes, I used some of it for things for my house and for me - new dishes after K moved out, some new clothes (just a few things, not a great gob of cash, and some of them ended up being sent back anyway), an iPod (gasp! extravagance!), stocking the freezer with meat (food, what was I thinking, spending money on that? I should just fast), a new heat pump (I should sweat in the summer and freeze in the winter, right? I could have saved that money). But a lot of it has gone because my check doesn't last from one pay period to the next. It's some consolation knowing I won't have to come up with great wodges of cash for property taxes and homeowners' insurance - escrow will take care of that. And I should get a fairly decent tax refund in the spring. But that's a long time off, and I don't know how I'll survive until then. I HATE this. I spent all that time and money going to law school, which I didn't like, to become an attorney, and now I've got this rotten job that doesn't pay me what my education is worth. The company doesn't believe in cost-of-living raises (at least I don't suppose they do - we don't get them), and if you aren't one of the chosen few, you get no raise at all. I have no resources left to draw on, and I'm feeling fairly frantic right about now. I am going to have to try my hardest to cut and scrape and scrimp even more, and I am so damned tired of that, I could spit. Right now I'm just trying not to lose it in front of J.

And I can't help but thinking - all that time we were together, K had that crappy temp job that put such a strain on finances. I told him to put off moving out until he was in a position to take care of himself financially. Now he's on his own, with a better job that pays him decently, so he's doing all right for himself. If we were still together, he wouldn't be spending extra money on rent and utilities, and we'd be in pretty good shape. Better than we had been at any other point in our marriage, anyway. But he's on his own now. How ironic, I was the one trying to hold everything together while we were married, and trying to give him time to get his financial footing. Now that we're separated, he's the one doing fine and I'm the one who's falling apart.

I need a miracle. I need to win the lotto. Something. I can't keep doing this. I've done it for the past 11 years, as long as K and I have been together. When do things get better?!

And I wonder why in the world God gave J to me, but I can't obtain the resources I need to take good care of him.

I feel like I could cry all night.

I was right

K called a little bit ago. Sure enough, he spent last night somewhere other than his apartment. Funny, though, it really doesn't bother me. So if I can take the fact that he's spending the night with someone else in stride, and if he's to a point where he feels like he can do that, all the more reason we should file - at this point, there's nothing to be accomplished by keeping the marriage alive on paper.

Our restrooms are fixed now. Still no air conditioning, though. I expect that now we'll just be told to suck it up and sweat through the rest of the day. Someone mentioned to one of our managers that people on other floors had been allowed to go home, and she seemed surprised. Gee, no restroom facilities, no air, no water - now why in the world would that justify sending employees home? Sheesh.

What are we waiting for?

I'm wondering if K and I would be better off filing and just having done with the divorce. The thought behind not filing right away was to spare his parents some grief, but I think dragging it out will just hurt them more. When I went by to see them on Monday, K's dad asked if K had moved back into the apartment this weekend. I said yes and left it at that. K said his mom told him that she'd really hoped he'd be moving back home this weekend, now that his family from New Orleans had gone back to Louisiana. It may be easier in the long run just to end the marriage and let them deal with the fact that there isn't going to be a happily ever after here, at least not the kind they're hoping for - as long as we're just separated, they can hope we'll get back together and keep bringing up the possibility. There's a 60-day wait between filing and final judgment, and I'm thinking November would be a good time to file. That way things can be finalized right after the new year and won't crap up Christmas (although it's already going to be plenty weird).

And I haven't heard a word from K this morning. Yes, I know he and I are separated and headed for divorce, but it's unusual not to hear *anything*. He usually e-mails once or twice of a morning, and when I tried to call to see if his building was affected by the water main break, I got his voice mail again. I dunno. Maybe the employees took a day and went to the State Fair or something (but why wouldn't he have said that?). I'm a little miffed at not being able to get him on his cell for a pretty substantial period of time and having no idea where he is - if there were an emergency with J, I'd want to be able to get in touch with him. As it stands, I have no idea where he may actually be and no way to get in touch with him quickly. I don't even know if he's checking voice mail. And God knows he's given me grief often enough about not taking my phone with me everywhere (even to work out or when I run into someplace real quick) and not keeping it turned on. Perhaps I should return the favor.

Re: the work situation: Other people in the building are going home, even people who work in different areas of the same company. But we're supposed to keep on going like everything is just fine - our calls were being routed to another center, but they're back here now, so it's business as usual. Yeah, you see how much associate delight matters when something like this happens.

I just went to Starbucks and got a really big coffee. Gee, I'll have to go to the bathroom after drinking all of it. And gee, it will take me a good 20 minutes to go all that way and come back. How sad, I won't get any work done during that time. LOL Honestly, do they think today will be anything remotely resembling productive? I'm hoping that if it isn't fixed by noon, they'll just send us home, but I'm not holding my breath.

Why am I here?

I arrived at work this morning to learn that, due to a water main break, our building has no water (and therefore no use of the restrooms) and no air conditioning. The electricity is still on, which is probably why we're here. I met several ladies going up in the elevator who told me that people are being sent home because of this. But are we being told to go home? Noooooooo. Instead, we get an e-mail saying that it may be 3 or 4 hours or more until the water main break is fixed, and that we can go to the 18th or 19th floors of a building two blocks away to use the restrooms. Lovely. Don't wait until the last minute to decide it's time for a potty break, huh?! All I can say is at least it's only 80 degrees outside instead of 100.

But this is just another example of our corporate mentality. Apparently our work is so important that we need to stay here and soldier on in spite of less than hospitable working conditions. I'm sorry, I just don't see it that way, and I'm annoyed that I'll be here half a day or longer having to run two blocks over to go to the bathroom. Good thing I didn't drink a lot of coffee this morning.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Rest in peace

C called me yesterday as I was on my way back from Louisiana. He wanted to let me know that Chuck, a former co-worker of ours, had died. Chuck and I weren't really close, but I considered him a friend, and I'm sorry to hear about his death. Chuck was one of a kind - flamboyant, always the best dressed man in the office, and definitely the one to go to if you wanted to know the latest dirt. But since I'd left for the job I have now, he'd started to have problems with drinking. No one knows yet how he died, if it was an accidental overdose, suicide, or something completely different. But it's so sad to think that he was so desperately unhappy that he felt compelled to turn to drink and drugs. I just can't fathom being in so much pain that that kind of self-medication seems like the best option. His mother had called another former co-worker, asking him to check on Chuck as she hadn't heard from him in a few days. That's how his death was discovered. I don't know yet if there will be any kind of service here, or if everything will be back in Louisiana. I do know that no one I ever meet will be quite like Chuck.

And what really made me want to cry, along with thinking that yes, he really is gone, is wondering about his dog. He loved her more than anything, and it just hurts my heart to think of her alone with her master's body. I wonder who'll take care of her now?

Rest in peace, Chuck. May you find more happiness in the next life than you did in this one.

Did I just fall off the turnip truck?

I think this is kind of humorous. Yesterday I asked K what he'd done with the weekend while J and I were in Louisiana. He said something to the effect that he'd cleaned his apartment. I said I was surprised that, given a free weekend, he hadn't gone out or done anything fun. He then said well, yeah, he had spent some time with a woman he's been talking to. I said, well, good for you, and I told him that he didn't have to be weird about saying he'd gone out, that I was long past the point where him going out with someone could hurt me. Not that I'd expect or want blow-by-blow descriptions of what went on, but he shouldn't be concerned about telling me he'd gone out.

Then today - K has had dinner out tonight planned for a little bit now, a week or so? I can't remember exactly. Anyway, dinner tonight is with this same woman he's been talking to that he saw this weekend, and that's fine. He's met someone he likes, wants to go out, good for him. What's funny - he just called me, ostensibly to ask how my day off was (and I'm sure he did want to know, but that wasn't the only reason, I don't think). A little preface to my next comment - whoever drops J off in the mornings calls the other to let them know how drop-off went. It's just what we've always done. So in the course of conversation this afternoon, K says that when I call him after dropping J off in the morning, don't be surprised if the phone goes straight to voice mail. Well, all righty then. Now why would he be telling me this? I've called before and the phone has gone straight to voice mail - maybe he's talking on it, maybe he's turned the ringer off, maybe he had the radio turned up in the car, maybe he's in traffic and can't answer right then. I'll wait a few minutes, then call again. He knows this. So why tell me it will probably go straight to voice mail? I may be way off here, but I think he's planning to spend the night with this woman and just didn't want to come right out and tell me. I guess it's considerate of him not to hit me over the head with the fact that he'd be getting lucky if that is indeed the case, since I can't even remember the last time I had sex. I'm sure I did at some point in time, I have a son to prove it. I just think it's funny that he went out of his way to tell me about the voice mail - did he not think I'd have a theory as to why he was calling? Now, granted, I don't ever want to know all the details about any of his dates or girlfriends - he and I will always be friends, but there are some things he does not need to go into detail about. But if he'd just said, "Hey, I'm spending the night tonight, don't call first thing in the morning," I'd have said, "OK," and gone right on. He probably gave more away by calling me like that than he would have done if I'd gotten voice mail in the morning! LOL

I've gotta go get J from school - I can't believe my day off is almost over. Hopefully I'll be able to get on and write some more tonight.

Monday, October 10, 2005

A road trip with a three-year-old and other adventures

J and I went to Louisiana this weekend to see my dad. It's been a long, rather eventful weekend, and I have lots on my mind to write about. I may not get it all down tonight, some may have to wait until tomorrow because I'm absolutely fried.

In the past, visits with my dad have been occasionally less than pleasant, and always on the stressful side even if there was no actual unpleasantness. Part of this was due to the fact that my dad has always been a serious control freak and has always had a bit of a short fuse, my mother ran interference between us while she was alive, and after her death, things were rough between my dad and me for a time. And part of this was due to the fact that K and my dad needed to be in the same space about like gasoline and a match. I don't think they ever got along much, and certainly not since 1996. So a trip home was something to be approached with fear and trembling, and a big ol' knot in my stomach, because I never knew what might happen or who might say what to set someone off. As my dad has gotten older, though, he's calmed down a little - partly due to my stepmother, because she takes no crap off of him, he'd get mad and she'd tell him exactly what he could do with it. My mother never did, and I think it shocked my dad so much that he didn't have a response for it! LOL And I can't say that he was torn up much to hear that K and I were separated, so I figured a trip home with just me and J might not be too bad.

And it wasn't. It's funny, but I guess I've grown up and maybe my dad is figuring that out, just a little. We could talk about subjects that were guaranteed stink bombs in the past, and I didn't get upset - if he was offering a thought, I just took it in the spirit in which it was intended and didn't take it personally. It was nice. And it just did my heart good to see J taking to my dad and stepmom so well. He hasn't been around them much at all - hard to get in visits when my dad didn't want to see K and K didn't want to see him. But J was just about as good as he could be, with the exception of a couple of horrific meltdowns and not eating much at all. I actually got to take an uninterrupted shower and have some time to myself, because J would go outside and just walk in the yard, up and down the driveway, with my dad and my stepmom. They'd go out behind the house to see if they could see a turtle or fish in the bayou (and they made sure J knew not to go near the water, he was telling me I couldn't go near the water! LOL). It just made me happy, and I know it made them happy. I hate that they've missed out on so much of the first few years of his life - and I know, my dad could have hopped in the car and come here, but if he had, he and K would have both been wretched the whole weekend (and truth be told, if I'd been between the two of them, I'd have been wretched, too). J had a blast - he got to run around outside pretty much all day yesterday, swing on the swings, look for fish and turtles, run away from the dog, throw the football outside, see the tractors (he wasn't interested in riding on them, though) and climb the stairs at my dad's house about 400 times. My dad has a horse, but she's with someone else at the moment, being trained and broken. Maybe next time we go, I can ride (not sure I'd let J do that quite yet, not on a horse that's still fairly young and green).

We also ran by to see K's parents on the way out of town. They were tickled to see us, as always, so I'm glad we made time to stop. We had lunch, and J made up for not eating at my dad's house. He ate a huge bowl of strawberries, a package and a half of cheese crackers (the little sandwich crackers, that come six to a package), six or seven shrimp, and a piece of garlic toast. He was hungry! And like they always do, K's parents loaded us up with goodies. They're wonderful. I won't ever be able to get remarried, because any subsequent in-laws would pale by comparison!

But it does hurt me that I let my marriage keep me apart from my dad for so long. Now that's not all of it - like I said, for a while things were rough between the two of us, and we had a hard time really talking after my mother died, so that didn't make me any too eager to get home. But things weren't helped by the fact that K and my dad just didn't get along, and neither of them would make an effort to get along. Stubborn pigheaded men. Sometimes I wonder if K ever thought about how it made me feel to be staying away from my family to keep him happy. I wonder how he would have felt had the shoe been on the other foot, had I not gotten along with his family. Being as how he didn't like my dad, he preferred to spend more of our times at home with his family, and being as how I was married to him and saw him every day (as opposed to seeing my dad only once in a while), I generally went along (not always, but generally), because I wanted to keep the peace between us. Even though I felt like this meant my family got the crumbs of holidays (you know, December 23 or 26 rather than Christmas Eve or Christmas Day), I wanted to keep our house here as happy as I could, so I tended to go along with what K wanted. But I realized this weekend that my dad is old. Yes, I've always known his age, and known intellectually that being in your late 70's is no spring chicken. But this weekend, he really *seemed* old for the first time. He's gotten a lot more frail since he was diagnosed with diabetes - I guess because he's lost a lot of weight. His hair was always black, not a lick of gray, until recent years, and this weekend I noticed that his eyebrows are gray. That's what really got me. He's slower to get around, more likely to forget things in a conversation, and it just really hit me that I won't have him here forever. And whatever knock-down-drag-outs we may have had in the past, I do not want my father to die thinking that I didn't care about him or thinking that he hadn't had the opportunity to get to know his grandson. So I'm going to make an effort to spend more time with him, and I told him that now that it's just me and J in the house, he can come anytime he likes - if it's messy, he can help me clean, and if I have ham sandwiches for dinner, he's welcome to share. :-)

Today has been tiring, though. J was worn out last night and finally fell asleep around 9:00 after having a screaming fit when I told him we weren't going back downstairs (we slept in the guest room upstairs at my dad's house, and J kept coming up with reasons why we should go back downstairs, just so he could come up the stairs again - he's fascinated with them). He woke up around 4:00 this morning asking for milk - I got him a cup of milk, he slurped it down, and he then asked for water. I got him a bit of water, and he slurped that down. The clock in the bedroom didn't work, so I'm not sure how long we laid down for, but all of a sudden I hear this coughing, choking sound. I turned the light on to find that J had upchucked all over the floor and himself. My poor baby. :-( He was fairly congested, so I figured it was due to sinus drip - he does that occasionally, and he wasn't acting sick in any other way. So we cleaned up, changed clothes, and I got him to lay back down. I'm not sure if he actually slept - I don't think I slept much, because he was really restless and I was listening to him. Around 6:00 he asked for water again. I got him a little bit, he inhaled it, and promptly barfed it all back up. And when J barfs, it comes out of his nose, so he was good and miserable having this happen a second time. We were up for the day then - I just plopped him in the bathtub for a good clean-up, and we got dressed and went downstairs. Then there was the long drive and the fact that he was tired from the night of interrupted sleep. He slept for about a third of the way back here - he'd fallen asleep before we got to where I'd planned to stop for gas, woke up there, and once we were back in the car, snarfed down a bag of donut holes (Shipley Donuts, mmmmmm!), screamed because he couldn't get his sunglasses on properly and I told him I couldn't do that while I was driving (he didn't need them, it wasn't real sunny, he just thought he wanted them), and promptly passed out. LOL Even after the nap, though, he was still pretty grumpy here. We were both just fried, and now he's snoring. And why am I not? I have no idea. Maybe I'll stop here and write more tomorrow, assuming I don't forget what I was planning to write about.

Good night!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Change in the wind?

An interesting development on the job front - my current position may be modified in such a way that it would decrease my stress level *considerably*. Another officer (John) and I both handle accounts for the same state. He's really good with people stuff, and I'm really good with compliance/computer/regulatory stuff. We've joked, and told our manager, that we should be a tag team, with John doing the people stuff and me doing the computer/regulatory stuff. We'd always been told that that couldn't be done. Well, now we're going to try it! My manager asked me to think about how I thought the work should be divided, how it would be split in an ideal world, and he's going to talk to John next week about it, see what he thinks. I am so excited!!! We're in a unique situation, I think we're the only officers where just two of us work on accounts from the same state, and our personalities and skill sets just happen to fall out along the lines to where division of duties would work. Not sure how soon we'll start or how exactly the labor will be divided, but I'm just glad we're getting the chance to try it. I'm going to do my best to do an absolutely kick-ass job, both to hopefully benefit myself (in the form of possible raises and promotions because I'll be able to do a really good job), and to benefit others if this is something that works (it might open up an opportunity for other people to work more in the area where their talents lie rather than strictly doing everything on one book of accounts). Wow, this is the most excited I've been about my job in a long time!

Half an hour left of phone servitude, and then I get to go home and get ready for tomorrow's road trip. Travel with a three-year-old - wish me luck....

Through the roof

TXU (my electric provider) is asking for a whopping 24% increase in rates. That's just insane. My current electric bill in the summer averages around $225. If rates go up by 24%, I'm looking at a bill of about $280 a month. TXU gives the high cost of natural gas as the reason for this proposed increase. So, when the price of natural gas goes down, will our rates go back down? Yeah, I'm going to hold my breath and wait for that to happen.

As for the effect on people, this man pretty much says it all:

"Gee whiz, every time you turn around ... insurance has gone up, taxes have gone up, TXU has gone up, oil has gone up, and you know what? We haven't gotten one pay raise, period," said Edgar Lewis, a retiree in Mesquite and a TXU Energy customer. "We don't go as much, don't eat out as often. Our fun time – recreation – we just don't do anything."

I think our company needs to give everyone a cost of living increase (that's something they do not do - a substantial portion of people working here got no kind of raise at all, and there are people who haven't gotten any kind of raise for years), since the price of everything has gone insane and we're all paid horribly under-market anyway. Yeah, right, I'll hold my breath and wait for that, too.

But maybe there's some hope on the horizon. That is, if we aren't all living in boxes under bridges by the time the price we pay for things reflects the decrease in the cost of crude oil and gasoline in the markets. Assuming they don't just go right back up tomorrow or the next day or the next week. Feh.

The Toddler's Creed

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it is a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached - at any cost.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked and eaten.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a wax crayon or permanent marker, it must write on the refrigerator, furniture, floor and/or walls.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting filled.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be rolled upon.
If it is a stroller, it must, under no circumstances, be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back and endless screaming.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon - preferably with a very hard object.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled open and - if at all possible - pulled completely out.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it isn't a toothbrush, it must also be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must scream to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stick on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it sticks on my spoon, the spoon must be dropped on the floor.
If it is NOT food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must NOT be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, juice, pee, or toilet water.


Someone posted this on one of the parenting boards I frequent. I laughed so hard, I nearly hurt myself. So true, so true.

It's hockey time again!!!

Woo!!! And the Stars have gotten the season off to a fine start with a come-from-WAY-behind 5-4 win against the L.A. Kings. With the new rules, it looks to be a wide-open, high-scoring season, and I can't wait. I just wish I could afford tickets to a game at the American Airlines Center. If I get a tax refund, maybe I can go to a game in the spring.

Darryl "Razor" Reaugh is one of the game commentators for the Stars. Check out his predictions for the season - it's a pretty entertaining read.

I did buy tickets for a raffle we're having at work today. The prize? Two tickets to a Stars game. :-) Oh please, oh please....

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Is the room spinning, or is it just me?

I've got so much to do, the day is flashing by in a blur. J and I are going to Louisiana on Saturday, and I'm not sure how to accomplish everything that needs to be done and get some sleep, too. AACK.

Yesterday was a good, productive day at work where I felt like I got a good bit done. Not like I got caught up - I'll never feel like that, the workload is just too much to ever leave thinking, "hey, there's nothing lurking on my desk for tomorrow, I wonder what will come in". But I felt like it had been a good day. Today is one of those days where I've spent most of my time putting out fires and dealing with unexpected things that have come up, and there's been no time to settle into a routine and work on things I would have liked to have done. These are the kinds of days I don't like, these and days where I spend most of my time in meetings.

On tonight's agenda: The make-up class at Little Gym; a quick trip to Target for the things I need to make margarita pies; making the margarita pies; dinner and bath and bed for J (hopefully he'll be worn out after Little Gym and bedtime will be easy!); at least one load of laundry; trying to start packing for the trip home. I'm tired already and I'm not even home yet.

We did have a little fun at work yesterday and today. This weekend is Texas-OU Weekend here in Dallas - for those of you not familiar with it, this is a longstanding rivalry between the University of Texas and the University of Oklahoma, played on neutral ground at the Cotton Bowl. One of our team members is a huge OU fan - his whole family went there, they're all coming into town for the game this weekend, the whole nine yards. After he left yesterday, we thoughtfully decorated his cubicle in UT style:

It's great to be able to have a little fun at a co-worker's expense, especially when he takes it in the spirit in which it was intended.

Looks like family will be heading back to Louisiana on Saturday. So K will be able to go back to his apartment and I'll readjust to being the only adult in my house. I think we're both ready to get back to our routine. I just hope J doesn't take it really hard - harder than he did after the original move - when K goes back to the "bitty house". Oh well, we'll deal with whatever comes. And it's not like K is going to vanish from J's life completely - he just won't be sleeping at the big house.

I'd better get a couple of things wound up before I get out of here - more later.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Batshit crazy

That's what work has been like the past few days. And now I have a client who's apparently headed that direction as well. He's called about a zillion and ten times today, and when I left a voice mail for him to call and a message on our database to be given to him if he called back and I wasn't available, he called back, got the message, and then said he'd like another call back, preferably today. At a quarter to five? Um, no, I'm thinking not. Note to self: when you're not a practicing attorney, never, NEVER make the mistake of letting the people whose accounts you handle know that you have a law degree. 'Nuff said on that topic.

I have so many things to keep up with tomorrow, I just know I'm going to forget something. I need to bring money and the order form to J's school for the child ID cards - tomorrow is the day they're collecting that and taking the photos for the cards. I've volunteered to make two margarita pies for a silent auction we're having on Friday - they're easy to make, but it's something I've gotta do. I have an Estate Planning Council meeting tomorrow at lunch that I hope doesn't completely slip my mind (and yes, in spite of having pop-up reminders on my computer and notes on my calendar, it is still possible for me to completely miss something). Tomorrow night is the make-up class at Little Gym, since J and I won't be there this Saturday. And sometime I've got to find time to get clothes washed and get things packed for a trip to Louisiana. AACK. At least it's only a two-day trip, so it's not like I'm trying to pack for two weeks. But still.

I either need a wife, or I need to win the lotto. Something's gotta give.

Oh, and the latest on the internal position I applied for: No official word yet, but I have it on good authority that a person was added to the training list for this position, and it wasn't any of us on my team who applied for it. So apparently the position has been filled, and no one bothered to let the rest of the applicants know. I know employers don't always take the time to let all interviewees know they've been negged. That's understandable. But for those of us who were in-house, why not at least an e-mail saying, "Thanks for your interest, but we've chosen another candidate to fill the position"? Short, sweet, gets the message across, and probably takes all of about thirty seconds to do. But we didn't even get that. So apparently the only official word we should expect is when the announcement goes out that so-and-so will now be a part of the team, please welcome them, etc. That reeks.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Regrets only

Those of you who've been reading my blog for a while, or who've gone waaaaaay back in the archives, may remember me mentioning R, someone I went out with a couple of times last year. For those of you who haven't read back that far, R is, well, someone I went out with a couple of times last year. My uncertain status (i.e., not yet divorced, with no real timetable for when I'd file) put an end to any sort of dating relationship, but we do still talk from time to time and e-mail at irregular intervals. Well, R is getting married. I was really surprised when he told me this, as it had been less than a year since he'd told me things with us couldn't go anywhere unless and until my situation was more clearly defined, and only a few months since he'd mentioned that he'd met someone. On the one hand, that just shows me that things likely wouldn't have worked out for us anyway - he's been divorced for several years, and was clearly at a point where he wanted to get back into a serious relationship. Me, I'm still trying to untangle the relationship I have, and I'm not in any particular big hurry to be part of "Lisa and so-and-so" anytime soon. Had we gotten to go out more than we did, and had things worked out, if he'd have been proposing marriage to me less than a year out, I think I'd have wigged out and run, simply because I wouldn't have been at a point where I wanted to be married again.

The wedding is this Saturday. I got an invitation - it's going to be a pretty informal affair, and the reception will probably be a lot of fun. I won't be attending, since I'll be making the 350-mile drive to my dad's house on Saturday. (After a couple of hours in the car with a 3-year-old, I'll probably long to be at a wedding reception, drinking to excess on someone else's nickel! LOL) But I must confess to a certain wistfulness, wondering what might have happened, and a bit of regret that I didn't have that chance to see where things could have gone. Yes, R was a good bit older than me (K knew this and seldom missed an opportunity to make tacky comments about it), and that could have had a down side to it in a long-term relationship. But he also had a lot of qualities I'd like to see in whoever I may end up with down the road, and compared to him, all the other guys I've talked to just seem to fall a little short. I know things happen for a reason (or as I've seen it phrased elsewhere, "The universe speaks"), and R and I were just not meant to end up together. Still, I just can't help but wonder what if occasionally, and wonder just how much fun it would have been to go out with him for however long it took us to figure that out.

Battle of the Bedtime and other reasons I'm stopping after one

Tonight has been vexing, to put it mildly. I love J with all my heart, and I'd lay down my life for him if need be. But tonight - I was about three seconds away from pinching his little head off if he'd gotten out of that bed one more time. The fun started before bedtime, though, around 8:30, with a round of both poo AND pee in the pants. Fun! I don't know why my child has such a block about pooping in the potty, but he flat out won't do it. So that was a treat. Good thing I was planning to do a load of his laundry tonight anyway.

Bath time was fairly uneventful, but going to bed was a whole 'nother kettle of fish. I got every excuse in the book - I don't like my pajamas, I don't want to go to sleep, I don't like sleep, I want to read just one more book, I want my drum and stick, I want to play the drum, I want milk, go 'way mama so I can have a poo, I want more milk, I want to rock, I need to go potty, I want more milk and I want to come with you to get it.... AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. By the time he finally went to sleep, it was 10:30 and I was so out of sorts I felt like I was just being mean to him. Logically I know I'm not, and it would be different if I were that abrupt at 8:30. But at 10:30, it's way past bedtime, and I told him the next thing I heard out of that bed had better be snoring, or no TV tomorrow. After that, he wanted me to hold his hand, and then he went to sleep. Finally.

Reason #1 for no more children: well, clearly my life circumstances are less than ideal for having children right now. Reason #2: I don't think I have the financial and emotional resources to do a proper job of raising two children. Reason #3: if I never have to change another pair of poopy pants again, it will be too soon. I will be beyond glad when my child can poop in the toilet and handle clean-up himself. And once I'm past the point where dealing with poop is my responsibility, I see no reason to go back to square one, starting with changing poopy diapers every hour or two all the way up through potty training. Nope, I certainly have no desire to go through this stage again.


Not quite sure what to make of the fact that a search for "nasty lisa dallas" pulled up my blog. Is that a good thing or a bad thing????

It's not just me, we really *are* getting better!

Some tidbits from here and there about last Saturday's Baylor - A&M game:

A&M is more than a three-touchdown favorite to avenge last year's defeat. Two years ago, the Aggies thumped Baylor 73-10 at Kyle Field, and were still throwing the ball late in the game.

Not this year. :)

From the Hillsboro Free Press:
Baylor lost despite outgaining the Aggies 347-287 in total yards, as the Bears scored just three times on seven trips to the red zone.

Baylor, which entered the game 3-0 but a 24-point underdog, came within a whisker of one of its biggest victories in school history.

A&M's high-flying offense, the 10th best in the country, could muster only 134 yards through three quarters. The Bears were doing most of the talking and playing. Baylor's hard-hitting defense was hit with a taunting penalty in the first quarter after it tackled McNeal.

But they kept on harassing McNeal - within the rules.

Baylor held McNeal to 6-of-16 passing through three quarters for 76 yards with two interceptions and only 19 yards rushing on seven carries.


Baylor spent much of the first three quarters in Aggie territory. The Bears had 25 more plays, 60 more yards and more than 9 minutes more in time of possession.

"I thought we had opportunities that we didn't take advantage of," Morriss said. "I thought we were going to win. I don't know what the kids were thinking.

From the Dallas Morning News:
There was a time when taking Texas A&M to overtime would have been cause for celebration around Baylor. Just getting close to the Aggies would have been considered progress.

That time wasn't Saturday. Or the day after, when Bears coach Guy Morriss was still muttering about missed opportunities in a 16-13 overtime loss at A&M.

After beating the Aggies in overtime last season, losing to them is almost a step backwards. But it's all about context.

This was a road game at tradition-rich Kyle Field. And this year, the Aggies had to know Baylor was coming. In fact, Texas A&M probably looked forward to it after the stinging loss of a year ago.

A&M came away victorious in this one, but more than one observer has said that Baylor looked like the better team. That in itself is a victory for a Baylor program that's been a Big 12 punching bag for so long.

"Right now, my message to this football team is not about our opponents beating us," Morriss said. "It's about how we're fighting ourselves now. The one good thing we should take out of this is that we can line up and play with anybody."

Coming into the season, Oklahoma State and Baylor were considered the fifth- and sixth-best teams in the Big 12 South, and there was a big dropoff after fifth.

That's no longer the case. Not after Oklahoma State has shown no signs of offense in four games, including a 34-0 loss to Colorado on Saturday. Meanwhile, Baylor has won two road games and taken one of the league's more talented teams to overtime.
Under Morriss the last two seasons, Baylor's improvement has shown up in more than just the Texas A&M games.

The Baylor defense is fast and feisty. Most of all, it has to be respected.

The offense isn't flashy, but the Bears can take what a defense gives them.

Baylor still doesn't have the type of individual talent that can overcome mistakes, so the Bears have to be perfect against a skilled team such as A&M. Baylor wasn't perfect Saturday but still had opportunities to win the game.
Baylor's not going to challenge for the Big 12 title anytime soon. However, the Bears aren't automatically the sixth-best team in the Big 12 South anymore. Whatever Morriss is preaching, the message is getting through.

So we outplayed them everywhere except where it really counted, the final score. It looks like, if Baylor can learn to capitalize on those red zone opportunities, we may actually become a decent team, and no easy win for anyone. And it looks like we finally have a coach who's making enough progress from one season to the next that he won't be given the boot after just two seasons (not nearly enough time to properly rebuild a football program, if you ask me). I think it's fair to say that we're no longer the whipping boy of the Big 12, and that makes me no end of happy.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Just say no to negativity

I know I whine an awful lot here. I just finished reading a book by Sylvia Browne called Visits from the Afterlife, and in one part of the book she said something about unsuccessful lives being filled with negativity, and successful lives being able to deal with negativity and move on, or something to that effect. So perhaps me dwelling on some of my problems contributes to them. Perhaps not, but it can't hurt anything for me to try to be a bit more positive, and if it helps, well, then, so much the better.

Still no word on the new position. All I can figure is, maybe more people decided to apply at the last minute, and they're still interviewing. Either that, or they're trying to decide how much of a raise I should get with the new position. LOL I reckon we'll hear when we hear. In the meantime, I'll keep looking elsewhere, because I know I won't be happy long-term at this job. And it's hard to stay positive when your work, the place where you spend the better part of your waking hours, makes you feel so down about yourself and your abilities.

I really should go to bed. I find it harder and harder to drag myself out of bed in the mornings. Part of the reason for that is that I'm not enthused about going to work, but part of it is because I don't get near enough sleep. So I'll write more later - right now, it's time to go take a good hard look at the back of my eyelids.