So much to write about, I really don't know where to start!

Lots has been going on since I really took time to blog last. I'll think of things I'd like to talk about during the day (while I'm at work and can't get to my blog), but by the time I get home, either I forget or I'm just too tired to make the effort. That's pretty sad!

Speaking of work, let's start there. I'm not real happy at my current job - it's a field I've landed in due to career choices that seemed like good ideas at the time, and it's not where I think I want to be. I work in an industry that's been dinged a lot by the federal government lately, and that's kind of scary, because who knows what "interventions" they may decide on in the future and how that might affect jobs. There continue to be murmurings that more layoffs may be possible, and we're told that we really need to step it up (this when we've already taken on a lot more responsibility from other departments within the company, we're working short-handed, and we're learning several different new systems at the same time). I'm already stressed, both by work and by things going on in my life outside of work, and this just adds to it. I'm the main breadwinner for our family (my husband is working full-time, loves his job, but I make more) and I carry the insurance for our boys, so it's not like I can just chuck it if I can't take it anymore.

I'm not averse to changing directions entirely - I'm considering several things I think I could do and be good at. The thing is, they all seem to require more education, and our budget just doesn't have an extra few thousand dollars in it for me to throw at education. I've got a law degree, but I'm not cut out to practice law, and I've been out of the practice of law so long, I'm not sure I'd even get a second glance for any "traditional" legal position.

I would love, love, love something where I can work from home, have more flexibility with my family. There was a time in my life when I thought I'd never get married, never have kids. Now I have a wonderful family, and it's killing me that I can't do for them like I wish I could. It kills me to not be able to be there for my kids like my mom was for me. My older son was sick earlier this year, and had to stay home for several days. I had to tell him that no, I wouldn't be the one staying home with him because I had to go to work, I didn't have time to take off, dad will be home with you. I can't stand missing field trips and parties and volunteer opportunities at school. And I'll have to go through it all again with my younger son as he gets older unless something changes in a big way.

It doesn't help that my mom stayed home after they adopted me and kept an immaculate house and put hot meals on the table every day in addition to being there for most everything I did. I'm doing good if I get breakfast at all, and if it's a good day, there will be Pop-Tarts in the house so my older son can eat one in the car on the way to school. And logically I know that with me working full-time, I can't do all that she did. I just hate it that the situation is such that I'll probably never have the chance to do for my family like she did for hers.

I hate my schedule. I hate that most days I have to wake my kids up before the sun is up to get them to where they need to be. I hate that by the time I get home, my baby is getting tired and cranky, and it's a challenge to get dinner and bath in before he's a raging grump. And some nights it takes so long to get dinner on the table that he's screaming all the way through it while we try to bolt down our meals so that we can take care of him.

I'm not cut out for corporate America. I don't give a rat's patoot about dressing up in a suit for work and wearing heels and moving up the ladder, having a schmancy job with a schmancy title and a big corner office. Do. Not. Care. I want to have a job that gives me some flexibility in my schedule, pays me enough to meet my family's needs, and where I occasionally hear that yes, I am doing a good job instead of just hearing about all the things I do wrong. I honestly don't even care if there's room for advancement, as long as it's something I can stick with for the long term (and if it gives me flexibility for family, I think I could stick with most anything). If I could go back in time, I'd tell my college-age self to steer clear of law school, stick it out with a science major or go into computers, and maybe have a shot at doing something I enjoy that might be a little more flexible.

It feels like I'm missing out on the most important things in my life, the most important people in my life, and I feel powerless to stop it or change it or make it better. I hate that.

I pray about this. Daily. Hourly. All the time. I'm sure I've made choices in life (choices in my education, my career) where I didn't truly seek God's will or didn't pay attention when He told me which way I should go, and I've ended up here as the result of some of those choices. I'm just praying that I haven't gotten myself into a position where God is going to leave me for a while, and if I am meant to be here even longer, I hope it's not God's way of telling me, "See, you should have talked to Me first, you didn't, and so now I'm just going to let you stew for a while." If God wants me elsewhere, I'm praying that He'll open a door and soon. If it means I need more education/certification, I'm glad to do it if He'll provide the resources, because I sure can't dig out money for any education on my own, not with what I have now. If it means I just need to wait until the right opportunity comes along, then I need the stamina to bear up here, especially on days like today where it feels well nigh unbearable. I know we may never know God's reasons for doing things one way or the other, but I sure wish I knew why He's kept me here for nearly six years now, and I wish I had an inkling of how much longer He might keep me here, and for what purpose. It might make those unbearable days a little bit easier.

If you, dear reader, could spare a prayer, I'd appreciate it. If God wants me to stay where I am (which He's clearly wanted for the last six years, as I'm sure there are days, weeks and months where I stayed only by His grace), then He needs to give me strength to do my job to the best of my abilities, and if He wants me somewhere else, He needs to open a door and point me toward it and work that all out.

Hooray!

I had my end-of-year review at work yesterday. In the past, my review has often been a thing of stomach-churning dread, something to be feared, and I know there are times I was hanging on by the skin of my teeth or less. But for whatever reason, my manager didn't just give up on me. He found ways to keep me there, and now that I've settled into another role, it's working. This was the best review I've ever had, and he told me it was a nice change from some of the previous conversations we've had. That made me feel really good. :) So, maybe I am where I'm meant to be, at least for now.

Making Your Home a Haven, Day 4

Yesterday's challenge: I didn't manage it until the end of the day, but I did manage to take care of myself a little! Success!

Today's theme for Making Your Home a Haven is Fun. I'm really going to have to think about this. Some days it's hard to make room for fun in my life. I know my son does lots of things he considers fun, like playing with the Wii, but sometimes there's not much fun in my day at all. And with me not getting home until after dark, outdoor fun is right out (unless we go outside again and watch Brian start a fire with flint and steel - Julian thinks that's dandy fun!). Hmm, maybe tonight would be a good night for a fire, and maybe I can talk Julian into a round or two of Mario Kart. And perhaps other inspiration will come to me during the day.

OK, gotta get dressed, and I've got to find something "professional" to wear - we're having an open house at work this afternoon for our business partners. Let's hope that after eight years of business casual, there's 1) something in my closet that even qualifies as professional attire, and 2) that it fits. All I know for sure is, this pregnant lady is not wearing heels! LOL

It seemed like a good idea at the time - now how do I get out of it?

I have a feeling things are about to take a turn at work that I'm not going to like. I wanted the role I have now because it doesn't involve administering a book of accounts - that's what I did when I started, and frankly, I wasn't cut out for it. Well, my cohort on another team is taking on some accounts, due to the fact that we've had some people leave and can only replace internally. There aren't any more people to move around internally, so some accounts from the people who are leaving are having to be divided up among the teams, and he's going to be administering accounts now. I foresee a future where I fill both the role I'm in now, which is OK, and also become an administrator of a smaller book of accounts, which I do not want, and I am so not happy about it. I had a book of accounts - I hated it. I sucked at it. Do. Not. Want.

This job seemed like such a good idea in 2004. It surely hasn't turned out that way, has it? I've met some wonderful people, but the job itself hasn't done me any favors. I'm probably making at least $10,000 less than I would be now if I'd stayed at my previous job - not getting raises or bonuses is painful. I'm not using my law degree. I'm so far removed from using my law degree that I'd probably have a hard time getting a good job in the legal profession. (I'm not real torn up about that, though, as I don't think I'm really wired to be a truly good attorney anyway.) I just feel like I've boxed myself in here, I don't know where to turn next, and I hate that feeling.

So, what might I do if I could?

~Something computer-related - I love working with computers. I'm the IT person for our team when the IT guy isn't around. LOL I'd rock as, say, a programmer. he downside is, I've got no formal training or education in the field, the market isn't great right now, and I'd likely have to start out in a call center setting, where the pay would suck and the work would give me an ulcer.

~Court reporting - I type quickly and accurately, I've got a legal background, and I'm persnickety about details. The downside is, getting the certification would cost me about $25,000 and take me five years to complete, going to school at night (I figure I won't be in a position to quit my day job, we can't make it on just Brian's teaching salary).

~Medical transcription - the downside is, certification is required (at about 18 months and about $3500 taking the coursework online, it's not as daunting as court reporting, but it's something to consider all the same), and based on information from friends who work in transcription, more jobs may be going overseas and it may be harder to find work here. Which stinks, because I would totally rock at transcription. I did it part-time last year, and I was up to about 200 lines an hour, which is damn good. Experienced transcriptionists are considered to do well if they can transcribe about 150 lines an hour. And I could hopefully find a job that would let me work from home, where I'd have only myself to deal with during most work days, I'd be left alone to do my work, I'd turn it in when I was done, I'd get more work, and life would go right on. I wouldn't have to worry about being someone's backup when they're out on medical leave for weeks, or answering phones because we're shorthanded, or anything like that. It would be perfect for me, but given the current conditions in the field, I'm not sure it would work out that way.

~Librarian - I actually contemplated getting my MLS and going to work as a librarian. With a law degree and an MLS, I'd be a great law librarian. The biggest downside to that is that law librarian positions are few and far between, and there's no guarantee that a job would open up where I want to be (that is to say, here). I don't want to move. I don't want to go live in BFE, New York because that's where a law librarian job is. And most librarian jobs appear to pay less than what I'm making now, so that isn't a good thing, either.

~Teaching - I've considered getting my alternative certification and going into teaching. Lots of pros, mostly centered around my schedule being compatible with J's schedule and (hopefully) me having a much shorter commute, saving on gas and parking and wear and tear on the car. But deep down, I have my doubts as to whether I'm really cut out to be a teacher. I'm not sure I have the patience for it, and that's a big enough career change that I wouldn't want to make it without being reasonably sure I'd do all right in the field. Again, there'd be some education/training involved - I'd have to take the coursework to be certified to teach, and that costs about $2000, if I recall correctly.

So, I've got lots of ideas, but nothing that I can see as being really viable. *sigh* Who knows, maybe Bright Blessings will take off at some point. I'll be sending samples to the Boutique Boxes, which is a sample box sold to retailers looking for products they can buy wholesale and resell in their own shops - if someone loves my stuff, maybe I'll get a good wholesale order or two out of the deal. I'd be happy if Bright Blessings did well enough that I could work part-time doing something or other, and then do tarts and candles and whatnot the rest of the time. I don't know if that's realistic, though. I should have stuck to some form of science as my major in college and given law a miss altogether, and this is why I think it's generally not the best idea to have people deciding what they want to major in, what field they want to pursue, what they want to be when they grow up, when they're 18 or 19 or 20 years old. I'd love to see J go out and work for a while after high school, see what's out there, try to figure out what he's really good at and what his passion is. I don't want to see him like me, starting out with a world of potential and ending up feeling stuck in some dead-end job and wishing I'd made different choices all those years ago.

There's got to be more out there than this. I just have to figure out what "more" might be for me and how to get there.

Wouldn't it be nice if this was right?

Today's online fortune cookie:

"Your enterprise will bring great profit."

Well, that would be a dandy way to start the new year! My experience with Black Friday sales has been very enlightening. I didn't get vast quantities of orders - barely in the double digits. But for me, as a one-woman show, trying to work around my day job and motherhood, it's more than enough to keep me hopping. In the interest of keeping my products top quality and keeping turnaround time reasonable, I'm going to cut my scent list back a good bit after the first of the year. Having orders for tarts in forty or fifty different scents, one or two of each, is tough on me. You can't make just one tart at a time, so I end up making at least half a pound's of wax worth (about four tarts, or two tarts and two batches of tiny twinkles), and hope the ones not needed right then sell at some point. So I end up making forty or fifty batches of tarts, using a lot of wax, and possibly ending up with a lot of excess inventory. Yep, definitely a learning experience. But hopefully cutting down on the number of scents will help with that.

It's been a day at work. I spent the morning getting stuff ready for committee review this afternoon, and then I got to go to the Dallas Estate Planning Council meeting for lunch and a presentation. Free lunch - always good. Free CLE (continuing legal education) hours for listening to the presentation - even better. The meeting turned out to be longer than we'd thought - lunch from 12:00 to 12:30 and then the presentation from 12:30 to 2:30, instead of the usual one-hour presentation. Good for me, that means one more hour of CLE credit than I expected. The speaker was really good, and seeing her talk reinforces for me that it's a good idea that I never went into private practice. I'm just not convinced I have the personality for it.

And now it's after 3:00 and I'm trying to motivate myself to be wildly productive. Ha, ha. Wish me luck.

Where's a sledgehammer when you really need one?

If I had one, I'd go destroy our stupid printer. We've had people up here messing with the printers, supposedly changing them out as part of some "print optimization" project, and now that we're essentially two different companies, we have one printer with one type of letterhead and one with another. I've been trying to print a letter for half an hour. The first time, I forgot and sent it to the wrong printer (wrong letterhead). The forty-seven times I've tried since then, I sent it to the right printer, but the first page WILL NOT PRINT on letterhead. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

And when I finally went and copied it onto letterhead and took it to the administrator for her signature, she informed me I'd done her signature block incorrectly. I scream now, 'K? I am so ready to go home, it's not even funny.

Monday miscellanea

The day started with a bang. We overslept - always a good start to the day. I got J to school on time, then realized I'd left my purse at home, so I had to go back and get it. Traffic in downtown Dallas, and most especially in our parking garage, was like idiots on parade - I just love it when you've got one really.poky.person at the front of a line of about fifteen cars all trying to get into the garage, and that one poky person must try to squeeze his or her car into EVERY.ITTY.BITTY.SPACE they find. Whoops, the car doesn't fit, let me back out and p-o-k-e around to a lower level to try again. I'm thinking, just go down to level F already, there's always plenty of parking there! So, the morning was off to a zippy start, and I was wishing for a redo by about 9 AM.

Then I found out I was going to be priority one for taking calls for our sister team while they were out on their team outing. I HATE taking calls. Loathe it with a deep and undying passion. I do it because I have to, because it's part of my job, but it's sure not my favorite thing, and I really don't want to be a priority one any more often than I absolutely must. (I'm usually a priority four for our team, and I take very few calls, which suits me just fine.) And naturally, this was the afternoon the crazy man called. A lot. I was hung up on two times, a couple of my other teammates were hung up on a couple of times, and finally, the third time I got the call, he let me transfer him to a manager to discuss his issue. He then proceeded to hang up on her. Good times!

I've made three batches of tarts tonight: Lavender Flowers, Fudge Brownie Buttercream, and Wildberry Crisp. J now wants to help me make tarts. I've let him mix color and/or fragrance into the melted wax, but only with very close supervision. My busy, easily distracted little boy and a pot of melted wax just screams of the possibility of disaster if I turn my head for a second, so I don't. But I hate to tell him a flat-out "no" when he so very much wants to help. Thankfully, he loses interest after just a little bit, and I can breathe again.

Darling, I forgive you everything,
Anything is better than to be alone
In the end I guess I had to fall,
Always find my place among the ashes

Can you imagine being so afraid of being alone that you'd make a really bad decision? I think that's what K has done. I think he let his fear of being alone override the red flags he may have seen when he was dating A, and married her anyway, and I'm afraid that now he's realizing he's not happy, he's made a mistake. I may not be married to him anymore, but I don't want to see him miserable (and I also don't want to see J miserable when it comes time to spend time with his father). I hope he can find the wherewithal to either make things work (which would also require A's participation - I know from experience that one person can't fix a marriage alone) or to make a break if things can't be fixed. I hope his worries over being alone don't lead him to stay in a situation where he isn't happy. Life is both too short and too long to let yourself be miserable.

Just move it already, huh?

I was running late this morning - J fell this morning and skinned his other knee (he fell and skinned one yesterday morning, and was having a pure fit because it was bleeding and it hurt - this morning was round two). So we had another round of boo-boos and hugs and J asking me to stay home, that he needed to go see Dr. Jean. Poor baby, he was so not happy that I was leaving this morning. He kept asking me to stay with him and saying he wanted to stay with me. I'm not sure what's up. For the longest he's been real good about going on in at school without a fuss, but lately he's clingy and whiny and doesn't want me to leave. It hurts my heart, and I'm not sure of the cause. I wonder if it's because he really doesn't want to go with K tomorrow.

And K needs to move that hamster cage if he cares what's good for J. Last night J asked me again about where he'd be on Friday. When I told him he'd be going to daddy and A's, he was just inconsolable. He's cried every time I've said that he's going to daddy and A's house this Friday. Honestly, does K want his son to sob at the thought of spending time with him?! If so, keep right on. If not, he and A had best have this discussion and they'd best move the hamster. I was going to tell him this today, but he called before I left the house - he and A woke up to a flooded kitchen, there's a leak or a break somewhere, and he was looking for a mop in Wal-Mart when he called. I figured that wasn't perhaps the best time for a serious discussion.

I just don't get why it's such a big deal. I understand that with five kids in the house, you don't want to give one preferential treatment. But helping one get to sleep doesn't seem like preferential treatment - that's not like taking them all to Toys R Us and saying, OK, you get a toy, the rest of you, too bad. It's helping a need get met. It's not like sleep is optional. I don't get it. And if an adult were bothered by a noise while trying to get to sleep, he'd deal with the source of the noise if it were possible to do so - he wouldn't tell himself to just deal with it and let it go on. I really wish K and A would put the hamster in their room for a night or two, just to know what it sounds like. Maybe then they'd see why it's such a distraction for J and why it bothers him so.

I'm looking for a counselor. The ones in our area that take my insurance are all men, and I think I'd prefer a woman. I'll keep looking, though. I really think it would benefit J, and a counselor might be able to get to the root of the problem if there's anything else bothering J, where I'm not having any luck getting more than that Chuck bothers him. I don't know, if there are any other issues, if J just doesn't have the vocabulary or self-awareness to really verbalize what's bothering him, and I don't want to ask "is it such and such" and run the risk of either using terms and concepts he doesn't really understand or of putting words in his mouth and having him agree just because I asked.

My sweet boy. My heart just hurts that he's sad, and that I'm not really sure how to make it all better.

In other news: The rotten thing about taking a new position at your place of work is that you're still here to deal with crap from your old position. *sigh*

Is it Friday yet?

Who am I, and why am I here?

And how did I get here, anyway? I'm having a fairly awful day - not necessarily anything specific, just one of those overwhelming days where I can't ever seem to get my feet under me and get into a groove. I'm floundering and flailing about, and I don't know how to stop it. Days like this make me ponder the path my life has taken (those of you who didn't think Geminis could ponder, you'd be surprised! LOL).

I was the smart child. Never the pretty one, always the smart one. I had a little musical talent, too, but I was smart and I knew it. I was reminded of it every time I turned around. Tested as gifted and talented when I was 5 or 6 - I forget what my IQ tested at, but it was up there. I was reading the encyclopedia when my classmates were working on "Dick and Jane". My parents emphasized grades above all, and it was always understood that I'd go to college and "make something of myself". I was told constantly that I could be whatever I wanted - my parents never said, "you're a girl, you can't do that". So I grew up with this expectation that I'd make a difference, that I'd "be someone".

I did great all the way through high school, and did decently in college (although if I had it to do over again, I'd have applied myself more and really given some serious thought as to what I wanted to do with my life, as opposed to doing whatever seemed like the best idea at the time). In law school, I wasn't the smartest by any means (or at least didn't test the best according to what law school professors were looking for! LOL), but I graduated and passed two bar exams, so, not too shabby.

And now, 14 years and five jobs later, I find myself here. Some jobs I've lost because the positions were done away with, some jobs I've left because I just got tired of them, and I've tried to make the best decision I could with regard to new jobs. I was the main breadwinner, so the best decision usually hinged on what paid the best and/or offered the best benefits rather than what really sounded interesting to me. This job sounded like a good idea at the time - the recruiter talked me into taking a small pay cut to come here, luring me with promises of making it up in raises and bonuses, saying you could get as much as a 25% bonus each year. Well, I should have known it was too good to be true. I've been here nearly three years now, and I've never gotten any bonus, and I doubt anyone gets a 25% bonus (maybe the big, big, big bosses do, but none of my peers get anything like that). I've never gotten a raise. The company doesn't do cost of living raises. And I suck so much at this job, it will be a cold day in hell in this job role before I get a raise. And I make a difference to no one. The times when I might actually be able to do something to really help someone, they don't bother to say thank you. They only call when they've got something to complain about.

That makes me sad. The job isn't mentally challenging, as such. It's not like I'm not smart enough to understand what needs to be done. The challenge is, there's too much work. I don't know how anyone does it. Our regular workload is enough to choke a horse. Throw on all these special projects we're asked to complete, some of which could very easily be knocked out quickly by temporary help, and it's just impossible. I don't know how anyone stays caught up. Yesterday morning I had what would be considered a good morning by any other standard - I got a lot of things accomplished that needed to be done. But when lunchtime rolled around, I couldn't look at my desk and think, "Hey, it's been a good morning, look at what all I got done!" All I could do was think, "Oh, shit, look at how many things got left undone while I was working on that other stuff this morning." I've never worked someplace where people hated taking time off for fear of how much work would accumulate in their absence. I've never worked someplace where the higher-ups try to find reasons not to give raises and bonuses (not just me). I've never worked someplace where so many people would walk out given the right opportunity.

And I've never had a job that I sucked at. I'm not used to not doing well at things. I'm the smart kid. I'm used to being able to handle whatever is thrown at me. And in this job, I can't. I don't know how to do any better. I don't know how to keep up with the barrage of things that are supposed to get done. I don't know how to keep every.single.thing from slipping through the cracks so that I don't miss anything. I've tried every time management technique I can think of, and I get so overwhelmed that I don't take time to update my calendar or set an Outlook reminder or make a note on my whiteboard or whatever I'm trying to do at the time to remind me of things, and I still lose track. It's killing me. This job makes me feel incompetent and stupid on an hourly basis, like I'm worth nothing to the company and entirely replaceable at any given moment, and I'm dragged down by it. My work stress bleeds over into my home life - I'm short with J in the mornings because I'm so worried about how being late, even by a few minutes, might affect me. And then I feel guilty over that.

It floors me that openings in my particular position still advertise for degreed and/or certified professionals. I have and have had co-workers here who are attorneys, CPAs, who have securities licenses or various financial certifications, who have credentials they've worked hard for. We come here, and we're reduced to answering phones and doing data entry, in addition to trying to be what we're supposed to be (but can't really do right because of the volume of work) and trying to make clients happy, some of whom just can't be made happy no matter what. And they wonder why turnover is high.

So, the obvious solution is to find something else to do. And I've looked. And looked. Inside my current company and out. I've sent resumes, I've made phone calls, I've gone on interviews. Nothing works out. Why? Have my career choices doomed me to this for the rest of my life? Is this all there is for me? Has my non-traditional career path come back to bite me in the butt? Should I have sucked up and gone with a firm right out of school, working 18-hour days six days a week? I know I'd have chosen differently earlier in life if I were the person I am now, but I wasn't - I was shy and reserved, and darned near scared of my shadow some days.

Alternatives. More education. Work at home. What do to? How to pay for school? What can I do that will earn me what I need to make? When to study? How can I do that and work, too? Work at home - can I make enough to support me? What else could I do besides transcription? Go with what I already do (Pampered Chef, candles, etc)? Learn something new (piano tuning, which I think would be quite cool). I have all sorts of ideas, but no solid direction that I think I should go.

I read my devotional a few days ago - I don't remember exactly what it said, but the gist was this: When you've asked God for something, don't just sit there with your thumb up your nose. Keep on living your life and doing what you need to do, and in His time, God will intervene. And if there's something you feel like God is telling you to do, do it.

That's all fine and good, but how do I put it into practice? I pray and I read and I think. I feel like working from home would be a good option for a variety of reasons: I'm better suited to just working by myself and being left the hell alone except for the occasional check-in with my employers, I'd be there when J left for school and when he got home, I'd save on gas, I'd have more flexibility for family things, I'd be a lot less stressed, I'm not using my law degree anyway so why not do something I could at least halfway enjoy and benefit from. There are some cons, too - having to pay for my own insurance, no other benefits, and yeah, I might miss the contact with co-workers (although I have other outlets for seeing people and making friends and what have you). But I can see the positives and I can see myself being very happy doing that, even if I'm doing several different things to bring in enough money.

So. At what point does it stop becoming a mental exercise and become time for me to "just do it"? How much confidence do I need to have in my ability to succeed? Or is that why it's called a leap of faith? How do you know you're doing the right thing? I feel like I've already made choices that were what God wanted for me, only to have them bite me in the butt. I've prayed that if certain things aren't meant to be for me, then things would go a certain way (for instance, I'd prayed about one position, asking God that I not even get an interview if the job wasn't meant to be mine, that I didn't want to get my hopes up just to have them dashed again - what happened? I got the interview but no job offer - just what I *hadn't* wanted). How do I know or feel any kind of confidence that I'd be doing the right thing, when I've felt that way in the past only to have things turn out not like I'd expected?

I'm trying to think positively, and some days it works. Some hours it works. Some it doesn't (and being at this job makes it very hard to maintain that positive attitude). I keep telling myself, the JOB sucks, it's not ME that sucks. I am not a fundamentally flawed person because I can't do well at this job. The fact that I'm not good at THIS job doesn't mean I can't be great at a lot of other things. Every once in a while, I actually believe it and I feel a little better.

Gah. I feel like I'm chasing my tail. I have to work. I hope I can hang on here long enough to get to that new and (hopefully ) improved position - days like this, I have my doubts.

I'm stunned

Talk about out of the blue. My manager just called me in his office. I'm now going to be the risk management officer for my new pod, instead of an administrative trust officer. I'll be a lower level for taking phone calls (meaning I'll be less likely to get them), and I'll get to do the stuff I'm GOOD at! No raise, but this position may give me a chance to do well in my job and to actually earn a raise/bonus at some point. I've still got to hang in until that starts, but surely God won't give me this opportunity and not help me stick around for it. So, yay, that's good news! At least it will be a little relief. I'm still kind of stunned, which is why I'm not bouncing up and down.

The weekend, and a conundrum solved?

I had a wonderful weekend with Brian. It's funny, it's like my time with Brian makes me so happy that I don't want to talk about it much, I just want to hold it in my heart. I love him so much, and this logistical issue just needs to work out some way or the other. I wish we were in a situation where one of us could just move and count on a job being there, but we aren't. So, we look and we wait. That part sucks.

We went to see The Number 23. Good movie - not one you think, "Oh, I want to see it again and again," but worth seeing.

And in other news, I think I have solved the conundrum that is J. Brian and I went to Half Price Books on Friday evening - I was looking for The Out of Sync Child, but didn't find it there. Instead I found Raising Your Spirited Child. I kind of flipped through it in the store, and I bought it. Best $6 I think I've ever spent. It describes J to a T. Spirited children are more everything - more energetic, more sensitive, more persistent, more perceptive, more intense. The throwdowns over sock seams in the wrong place, the fits over itchy tags, the seeming inability to remember a simple direction, the high highs and the low lows, the drama, the texture issues with food - all traits of a spirited child. The book was clear that this is considered "normal" behavior, that the spirited child doesn't have any kind of neurological or sensory problems. They're loud in joy or anger because they really do feel everything that much more strongly. They're easily frustrated because they feel the frustration more so than people who can try and try again without getting stressed out. They're in constant motion because they're wired that way. The itchy tag really does bother him that much more than it bothers me. This is his temperament, and to ask him to stop being that way is asking him to stop being himself. He's not doing any of this to get on my nerves, he's just that way. The book goes into different ways of working with your child's temperament, seeing the positive instead of the negative (i.e., "assertive" rather than "aggressive", "tenacious" rather than "stubborn"), and helps the parent determine his or her temperament as well (apparently I'm more spirited than I thought, which is why J and I bang heads so much - irresistible force, meet immovable object! LOL). I feel so much better knowing there are enough kids out there like J that there's a name for it! I'm not a weak mother, I'm not ineffective, I'm not doing something wrong, there isn't anything wrong with J, he's not "difficult" - I just need to learn to work with J to help him channel all this intensity.

And the book distinguished between the spirited child's lack of focus and the ADHD child's lack of focus. The spirited child, if interested, can focus for a good long while (sound like any little boy I know? :) ). If it's his idea, he's a lot more likely to be interested than if it's someone else's, but if it's something that appeals, he'll be engaged. The ADHD child, no matter how much he may *want* to complete a task or participate in an activity, *can't* focus - it's not that he isn't interested, it's that there's something going on in his brain that keeps him from attaining that focus. That made me feel better, too, and will be handy knowledge should someone down the road want to label my child ADHD and stuff him full of Ritalin.

Bedtime: He was asleep by 9:00 last night. Not sure if this is the growing part of the growth spurt I suspect (he's not eating nearly as much, and he does seem more tired than usual), if he was just tired from the weekend with K (he was up at 6:30 yesterday morning), or if the Serenite Jr. helped. I put a couple of drops into a little milk like the instructions said, but he only drank about half of that little bit of milk. I guess it might have been enough to make a difference. At any rate, he sacked out while I was reading to him and slept most all night - he came and climbed into bed with me at some point, and then fell right to sleep there.

And now it's another fun and exciting day at the office. Woo.

I've applied with a medical transcription company to see about the possibility of doing some part-time work. Supposedly they train you, and you can work as much or as little as you like. I typed up my transcription sample and sent it in on Friday. It can't hurt to talk to them, and if it works out to bring in a couple hundred extra a month, then that's a good thing. I'm thinking I may really need to make a complete change of career. Law and/or finance/estate planning may really not be my thing.

Well, all righty then

I called the attorney in Waco, as time was running out on my refinance (after 30 days, I'd have had to start the process over). He said they really had concerns about the fact that I hadn't practiced in a while (seven years, give or take). Well, you big dumb box of duh, you could see that from my resume - why even bother to give me a call and tell me my resume stood out?!?! I was really irritated that day - I mean, why call me and get my hopes up if my resume clearly shows I'm not what you need? I can respect the fact that they need someone who can hit the ground running - that's their call to make, and no reflection on me if I don't meet those criteria. But why, why, why, when it's something you can clearly see from my resume, did they bother giving me a call if I hadn't been practicing and they need someone who has been? Then he said, "But we haven't made a decision yet." Well, I think they've pretty well decided not to call me for an interview. I was upset and pissy and grumpy at first, but now I'm better. Not great, because I want out of where I am now, but better.

So - the refinance will proceed. My appraisal is on Tuesday. I hope this is a good thing and not one of those "seemed like a good idea at the time" things.

J's sleep issues continue. Some nights are worse than others, some bedtimes are easier than others, but none are particularly good. *SIGH* Last night he was awake until 11:00. Not up running around, but awake. Not sleeping. Lying in his bed fidgeting. And then he was up before 7:00 this morning. I'm sorry, whether he needs lots of sleep or a little sleep, eight hours for a boy who doesn't nap can't be sufficient. I did order the Serenite Jr., and it's come in. I'm sending it with J to K's house this weekend, so they can go ahead and try it out. (I did tell K to make sure he sends it back - if it works wonders, I want it here for sure! LOL)

I really had to laugh, though. Last night he was sitting in the floor watching TV, and suddenly he said with a sigh in his voice, "Kids these days." I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing. I said, "What?!" He said, "Kids these days. They just don't watch as much TV as they used to." I roared. He sounded like a little old man, and it was hysterical. I wish I could follow him around with a video camera all the time to record all the funny random things he says and does.

He must be having a growth spurt, because he's been eating me out of house and home. Last night he asked for five sausage links (five!!!), and spaghetti, and ice cream. He didn't get all of that (I told him that was silly, that he couldn't eat that much), so we settled on sausage. He didn't eat five, but he did eat three links. That's a lot. He's been going on like this for about a week. I expect him to wake up one morning six inches taller.

I'm taking today off - I needed a mental health day. Work is absolutely insane. Seriously. I have so much to do, I don't know how I'll get it all done. They've just dumped a new project in our laps that has a pretty strict time limit and takes some huge amount of hours to finish - I'd like to know how exactly we're supposed to do that on top of all our other work and special projects, and why we can't just hire some temp help to get it done and be finished with it. Because that would make too much sense, I guess. At any rate, if I were really good and diligent and dedicated and all that, I'd have worked today. But I figured it was more important that my head not pop off from all the stress, so - mental health day it is.

And it's a Brian weekend! Yay!!! He's only got one tour group at work today, so hopefully he'll be up here earlier than usual.

Now, I've got to get stuff done around here. More later. I'll have to remember to write about the career aptitude test.

Up and down and all around

Deep breath. I'm refinancing my house. I've anguished over whether this is a good deal or not, and I think it is. I've crunched the numbers six ways to Sunday and it should work. I know it's not the best loan out there, but then, my credit score sucks and I'm only two years out from a bankruptcy. I'm not in a position to qualify for the top of the line. This will pay off all my piddly debt (all those itty bitty credit card balances I have that are oh, so easy to justify missing a payment on because it's just a little bit) and K's student loan (which is in my name and was given to me in the divorce), will give me cash for an emergency fund (something I don't have now and can't seem to figure out how to get on my own), and will give me an opportunity to work toward improving my credit score. The payment will be split into two bi-monthly payments, which makes my budgeting easier, and is something I can't do on my existing note. It's also a fixed rate, where my current note is an adjustable rate. So I think it's a good deal, it just makes me a bit nervous because I'll now be responsible for my own taxes and insurance. Insurance is no big deal, I'll just add my homeowners' insurance back on to my monthly payment along with my car and J's life insurance. But I'll have to set it up where money for property taxes goes into a savings account every month, so that I never see it and never touch it.

I think it's a good thing. But still - AACK. The appraiser will be here on Saturday morning, closing will be 10-15 days after that, and my first payment will be due 30 days after that.

Brian and I are trying to get tickets to see Wicked. It's coming back to Dallas in April and May, but I think we may have farted around and missed out. I'm also going to take J to A Day Out With Thomas in March, and Brian is coming up a different weekend in March and we're going to go to the Dallas World Aquarium. Wow, J is going to have a big month. Aquarium March 10, Thomas March 24. That will be fun!

And how's this for ironic? I got home and found a message from a law firm in Waco about my resume, which I'd sent to the Baylor career services office back in December. I'd pretty much forgotten about it, but they want me to call and talk. So I'll do that. At first, I was off my gourd excited. But then I started thinking - what if I get a job offer down there and Brian then gets one up here? If I get a job in Waco, now that I'm getting my finances in order, I'll have to worry about selling the house, moving, and finding one down there, in addition to reapplying for a loan and all that crap. I talked to Brian, and we both agree that the best-case scenario is that I get the Ellis County job and he gets the Dallas Zoo job, and he moves up here - I've already got a house, and he doesn't have a tremendous amount of furniture. So now I'm twisted. Dang it, I just want everything to work out so that my finances are in better shape and Brian and I are in the same place. With so many possibilities swirling around, surely something good will come of it. All of this is making me nuts.

And why is bedtime a battle every.single.night?! Last night J was awake until 10:30. He was up at 5:00, 5:15 this morning - up for the day. That's not enough sleep for me, much less for him, but he kept going until 10:30 tonight. Even when the light is out and he's in bed, he keeps fighting it - he squirms, he fidgets, he keeps opening his eyes. He doesn't get out of bed, it's like he just can't slow his brain down and settle and go to sleep. He'll stay in bed by himself for a little while, but invariably he comes to find me and wants me to sit with him. (I'm trying to work on breaking that habit, but it's a slow process.) And tonight he was awake until 10:30 again. I hate it. I get frustrated because I'm tired and he's not sleeping and then I feel bad for being frustrated.

My manager comes back from vacation tomorrow. That's bound to make the work day suck big dirty rocks. I keep telling myself, we have Monday off, we have Monday off.

Oh, the fun just never ends

My weekend was nice. It was just a low-key weekend, which I think I needed. I slept until 10:30 both Saturday and Sunday mornings - I guess I needed the rest!

And now I'm back at work. Which, as we all know, makes me so happy I could just throw up.

I started out my day with a complaint. I got a complaint on an account that's not even mine, that's one I took a call about from the 800 line (since we're all required to help out with phone duty). THAT'S why I hate phone time. I have enough work to do and get complaints about without adding in the whole "one call, one response" thing that has us taking on whatever work comes out of calls from the 800 number, too. So that was a dandy day-brightener right out of the box.

We're having a team meeting this afternoon regarding the fifth special project we've got going (I think that's right, we've got five special projects). It wasn't supposed to have much of an impact, but it's been revamped and will now have more of an impact on us than was previously anticipated. So the meeting is to discuss what we'll each need to do for this. Yay. This is in addition to the four other special projects, the investment reviews that have to go out and be followed up with phone calls (this could be full-time by itself), and the daily workload that you never can get caught up on. Goody!

And I called to check today - I didn't get the child support position in Fort Worth. For whatever reason, it wasn't meant to work out.

My devotional yesterday was about God answering prayer in unexpected ways. It talked about times where we prayed for one thing and didn't get what we expected, but looking back, we did get exactly what we needed. How this job can be anything I *need* is beyond me, so I can't even see the answering of prayers in unexpected ways. All I see is the answer to my prayers being "no" or at least "not yet", for reasons I can't fathom. I'm glad God knows the reasons for all of this, because I sure don't. And it's hard to keep the faith when you can't see rhyme or reason in it somewhere.

I'm meeting with the financial advisor tonight. Hopefully it will go well.

I've applied online for an assistant city attorney position in Arlington and another writing position with Baylor. There are also two assistant U.S. attorney positions I want to apply for, one in Dallas and one in Fort Worth. I keep on flinging that spaghetti, waiting for the piece that's going to stick.

It's all about the Benjamins

And alas, I have none.

I took yesterday off. I'm back at work today, feeling a bit better, but I wish I'd taken today off, too. I find I'm running out of steam quickly, and I'm still coughing a fair bit.

Work is getting on my last nerve. Everyone wants something. There's all the uncertainty about what's going to go on with this move to the new pod setup. Apparently our manager isn't sure where he'll end up in the scheme of things. A new center executive position was created for each center in connection with this new model. The manager above my manager is apparently hoping for that job to be hers. If not, she'll likely be competing with the current unit managers for the position of pod manager. So my manager will basically have to interview to keep his job, it sounds like, and he doesn't sound too sure of where he'll end up. That's never a comforting thought. Too much uncertainty, too much BS, and not enough pay. Add the constant financial stress and I'm about at my wits' end. To make matters worse, K put money in my account when it was overdrawn, doing the good thing and helping me out. I thought I'd have my 401(k) money (hardship withdrawal) by now to pay him back. I don't, and they've sent the paperwork back to me because apparently I left something off. AARGH. So now my financial mess is screwing him up, too, and I feel awful about it. I don't know what else to do. It looks like I'll get a decent tax refund, but I don't know how long that will take.

I want to throw up. I want to go home. I don't want to be here until 7:00. (Our phone lines were down this morning, and I was hoping against hope that they wouldn't be fixed so that I could get out of late shift. Alas, it was not to be - they're back up now and I'm here for the duration.)

It has to get better. It just has to.

My friend John referred me to his financial advisor. She called today - we're meeting Tuesday night. I sure hope she can work me a little miracle and help me find money where I'm seeing none.

So I did get another day off...

Careful what you ask for, you may get it.

Yesterday afternoon/evening I started feeling a sickish feeling in my stomach. I thought, oh, I'm just dreading going back to work. Then I thought, hmm, I'm REALLY dreading going back to work. Then next thing I know, I'm running fever, having chills, and wishing I could throw up or die. I felt AWFUL. Never did throw up, but there were moments I wished I would if it would help. I guess I had some kind of stomach bug. I was still running fever this morning, so I gave work a miss. I'm sure I'm in the doghouse for having the unmitigated gall to take two days straight off of work, but that's just too bad.

I really wished for some Sprite and crackers when I felt so awful, and it occurred to me last night that there really was no one for me to call. K was at A's house, and I wouldn't have asked him to drive on the wonky roads even if it wasn't a good ways away. Family is all out of state. Brian is 90 miles away. I felt very alone, knowing that I really did have to suck up and manage by myself. I do have a couple of friends that would probably tell me they'd be glad to help, but I know they have their own families and lives to deal with, and I'd hate to ask unless it was a dire need. Thankfully, bedtime was easy last night. Not early, but easy - we read all eight of our Curious George books, and as we were reading the last one, J laid down and closed his eyes. He fell asleep before I got to "The End". You talk about a blessing, that was one, because I did NOT have the energy for a bedtime battle last night.

I did toy briefly with the idea of going to work this morning, fever and all - I did feel some better when I woke up. But after being up for a bit, I realized that no, food did not in fact sound appealing, and I really wanted to curl up and take a nap. So I did. There again, I felt better when I woke up, but felt queasy after I'd been awake for a while. No more fever, thankfully, and no more chills, and I do feel mostly better now.

You know, I really hate having a job where I dread taking a couple of days off for valid reasons. I dread it, for one thing, because you never know what nasty unpleasant surprise might land on your desk while you're gone and require immediate attention when you get back. And then there's the whole time off deal. At my work, you can only have so many unscheduled absences in a certain time period - i.e., days where you call in needing to take off that day rather than planning ahead. Even if you take a vacation day to, say, let a plumber in to repair your toilet that exploded unexpectedly, it counts as an unscheduled absence. What, my work is so vital that a day off for the stomach bug, or a home repair crisis, or car trouble, is the end of the world? I think not, but that's how we're treated. You can't exactly plan those things, you know. And unscheduled absence, indeed - what am I, in grade school?! Some days I really do wonder when we're going to have to start showing our hall passes to the monitor when we need to go to the rest room. Come on, new job, work out for me.

I also took J to the doctor this afternoon, so it was a multi-purpose day off. He's starting with a sinus infection, so we saw his doc and got meds for that. I did think it was funny, though, that he was the one who said he needed to go see Dr. Jean and was perfectly happy to go until I pointed out that there'd be medicine to take. Then he was all, "I don't LIKE medicine, I don't WANT to take medicine, I don't NEED to see Dr. Jean, my nose isn't sniffly anymore!" Nice try, son. LOL

And now I think I'll go fix myself some hot tea and call it a night.

AG's office, take me away....

We had a team meeting today that lasted over an hour and a half, and the sheer volume of work headed our way makes me want to cry. More projects, more phone calls, more, more, more. Also, we found out that our head guy (who's in charge of three centers, including the one where I work) is actually 5 over the total head count allowed by the budget in the three centers - not that he's looking to get rid of anyone or anything, but still, that's not very comforting. Especially when our manager said that he is looking for ways to "come back into compliance" with that number. I had a moment today where I freaked out, thinking, what if I get the AG job and can't handle all the courtroom time, what if I hate it, and on and on. (Don't you love how I give myself the job and convince myself that I hate it all before I've even heard anything?) After the meeting, I thought, screw it, I just want out of here like, yesterday. AG's office, take me away. Just about any job opportunity has got to be better than where I am right now.

No word, obviously, or I'd have posted. And it may be way early to expect to hear anything, but that didn't keep me from being bummed out when I checked my messages and the message that was there turned out to be a hang-up. The thing is, if you get the job, you get a call. I don't know what happens if you don't get the job - you don't get a call, but I don't know for sure if you get a letter. So, I guess I just wait to hear something somehow. Waiting sucks!

Bedtime was horrid last night - J didn't go to sleep until 10:00 or so. I'd hoped tonight would be better. Ha. We read all our books, and then he proceeded to tell me he didn't WANT to go to bed. Then he wanted to come sleep in MY bed. God forgive me, but that makes me nuts - he sleeps in his bed for three or four nights running, just long enough for me to get halfway used to being able to take a bath without worrying about waking him up, or used to maybe reading in bed before I go to sleep, and then blam! He's back in my bed and I can do none of those things, and it vexes me. And then I feel like a horrible mom for being vexed. Even in my bed, he wouldn't settle down. He'd lay down for a minute or two, then sit up and tell me he didn't WANT to sleep. I'd tell him to lay down, we'd repeat the scenario. AARGH!!! I finally fell asleep with him sometime after 10:00 tonight, and now I'm up. Yay! Let the coffee-drinking commence, because I'm sure I'll need it tomorrow.

Longest. Day. Ever.

I swear, it's felt like this day will never end. It's felt like this WEEK will never end. My focus at work is nonexistent. I don't know if it's because I'm excited about the interview next week, if it's because I'm finding it very hard to care about my job, all of the above, or something completely different.

Wow. I just got an e-mail from someone I hadn't heard from in a while - I believe I may have previously referred to her in my blog as JG. She was sort of the catalyst for my divorce, she's who K fell in love with, and that's when everything kind of went to pot. K asked me last night if I'd mind if she got in touch with me. We were good friends before all that falling in love business happened, and so I said sure. I really never have had strongly-held hard feelings toward her - I think on some level I knew things weren't right in my marriage, and she's just the one who happened to be caught in the middle of the whole mess. I also know she's going through a divorce right now, and I figure life is short, we girlfriends have to stick together. So I wrote her back real quick and told her I was just fixing to leave, but I'd write more later.

I'm glad she wrote.

And I'm also glad it's time for me to GO HOME.

More later!

Back to the grind

And so begins another work week. It's Tuesday, it feels like Monday, and my motivation is zero. On the bright side, traffic was still light today. I'm not looking forward to a return to our regularly scheduled nasty traffic.

I was talking to a co-worker this morning. Every year we have an employee survey that we're asked to do (OK, nearly hounded to do - they're real big about wanting as many people to participate as possible), and once it's finished, we have small-group "listening sessions" to discuss the biggest areas of dissatisfaction (which have yet to change in the nearly three years I've been here). One of the five is always that no one feels like anything will change as a result of this survey, and I think the reason for that is clear - the survey topics never change. The general consensus is that we're paid too little and asked to do too much work, and we feel like we aren't free to speak our minds (because there is a bad list around here, oh yes, there is). Anyway, this year's listening sessions were held not too long before Christmas. My co-worker said that one of the people in his group regularly reads up on our company, and this person was saying that in one of the articles he read, our CEO was talking about the efficiency of our latest merger. He was bragging about saving costs by cutting back on salaries. So it's a point of pride to our CEO that we're paid under market. I know companies are in business to make money, not to make sure I'm happy - I can appreciate that. But when you hear on the one hand that your company is setting milestone after milestone, breaking new financial ground left and right, has annual net income in the billions - well, it's really a slap in the face to hear your CEO bragging about how the company keeps costs down by cutting back on salaries. And where, then, do you think all that profit is going? I haven't seen a red dime in raises or bonuses since I've been here.

It's not just me who's unhappy. The co-worker I was talking to this morning started at just about the same time I did, we went through our training together, we were teammates until just a few months ago, so we're pretty close friends. He told me this morning that he really just wanted to go cry, he was so discouraged about being here. I've never worked any place where so many people are so unhappy. And it just upsets me - I work with good people, intelligent people, people who are (for the most part) willing to work hard and want to do a good job. We all deserve better than this.

Well, here's a shocker

Your Job Dissatisfaction Level is 74%

Your job is a total bummer, and probably the worst job you've ever had.Your co-workers stink. Your boss is a jerk. And your company is probably in trouble.Think about finding a new job quickly, even if it's just a not-so-great transition job.You've got to get out of there as quickly as you can!

Should You Quit Your Job?