Sunday, July 31, 2005

Saturday's reading

I had an astrological/intuitive reading yesterday (based partly on my astrological chart, and partly like what John Edward does on Crossing Over, if you're familiar with that show). She was amazingly accurate. I'll just hit some of the high points. She said she felt like I was married, but that I'd had to take on a lot of the responsibility, that she didn't know if the man I was married to traveled a lot or just wasn't around a lot for whatever reason. I told her we were separated. She said she felt like I still cared about him, but that she didn't see me staying married to him. She said she saw things starting to happen with a divorce within the next 30 to 60 days. !!! I'll be curious to see how that plays out, being as how we haven't even filed. She said that something may come up about hidden assets, nothing huge, but something like a stash of money hidden under the mattress. She said she sees a lot in images and metaphors, and that the image she kept getting with regard to the man I was married to was that there were still "shadows behind the curtain", meaning that whatever led to our marital problems was still there, that it hadn't been resolved or gone away. She also said she kept seeing another woman around him (there may not be one there now, but that's a big part of what led to the demise of the marriage). She said she got the impression that he was a bit obsessive-compulsive, and that he'd tend to get hung up on little things and not see the big picture (true). I'm sure I'm forgetting things, but it was all spot-on about my marriage and the end thereof.

She said she didn't see me staying in this house indefinitely, that I'd move sometime, and that it would be a move made out of choice and not out of necessity. She said that it might possibly be related to education in some way, and later in the reading she said that she saw that it might be possible for me to send my son to private school in the next few years, and that maybe there might be a move connected to that (as there would likely have to be if I send him to a private school in Dallas - the logistics would be difficult at best if I still lived here). She talked about J, asked his birth date, and said he was born on a master date (11 and 22 are master numbers, he was born on the 22nd). She said he's very intelligent, that he came into the world being able to master something (we'll find out what as he grows up), and that he'll likely be in the gifted and talented program in a few years. She also said it's good that I'm an attorney, because I'll need to argue my case more than once with him! And she mentioned the stubborn streak - um, yeah, I've definitely seen that. She said she sees him doing something creative, not necessarily in the artistic sense, but possibly something with his voice. Maybe singing, maybe he'll be interested in things like the debate team. She also said he won't mind being the center of attention, that it won't bother him to, say, get up and give a book report. I can see that, a little bit - he likes being the center of attention when he chooses to be, he doesn't like to have it thrust upon him. And she said he'll be tall. She's never seen me, has no idea that I'm short, and certainly doesn't know that J is working on being taller than me by the time he hits kindergarten. LOL

She asked if I knew someone named David, Daniel, Don, anything like that. I said I had a good friend in college named Don. Put that aside, we'll come back to it later. She asked if I knew anyone named John, Jeff, James. No one came to mind immediately, but put that aside for a minute. Anyone named Sarah? I work with someone named Sarah, but she's in a different part of the company. She said that she saw that the craziness currently going on in the company (ha, she has no idea! LOL) seemed to lead to some reorganization and that it's possible I may end up working more closely with Sarah (given some of the ideas being discussed, depending on how things fall, I can see that as a possibility). She said she kept seeing a split or a split-off, and asked if the company had been acquired by another company or acquired another company. I told her yes, we'd just finished taking over one company and were about to start on another one. (She didn't know where I worked.) She said that I'm good at what I do, and they won't be wanting to get rid of me (good to know!), and that my job is decent, but it's not a permanent thing for me - she said that it serves me for now. Back to career in a minute.

Then she asked me if I knew anyone named Rebecca. !!! She said that normally when a name comes to her like that right before a session, that it's usually someone important, and that it's not a real common name. I said yes, my birth mom's name is Rebecca. She said that she got the feeling that she wasn't real nearby, and I said no, she's in another state. She then said that she meant this positively, that she liked the energy she felt from this person, but that she was a piece of work. I told her, you have no idea! LOL She also said she felt like she was a good person, but that she wasn't very motherly, and that's true. My birth mom is a good person, and I love her, but she doesn't fit the typical "mom" image. My mother (adoptive) was much more the typical mom, nurturing, baking cookies, going on school field trips, all that good stuff. But anyway, that just floored me that she tossed that name out.

She said I could be single the rest of my life if I wanted, but that she saw me possibly getting remarried within a year or 18 months of being officially, legally no longer married. She said she feels that this man will be very masculine, do all those good manly things, but that he'll also be considerate of others, that he won't be one of these people who thinks he's the only person in the room. She said he'll have brown hair and brown or dark hazel eyes, and I laughed out loud. When she asked what was funny, I told her my husband was blond and blue-eyed, every guy I've been interested in since has been blond and blue-eyed, and my son is blond and blue-eyed, so dark hair and dark eyes would be a real switch for me! She said it's possible that he's the John/James/Jeff (I sure hope he's not a James, there are many bad connotations associated with that name in our family, Jim is my sister's ex and he's a supreme piece of work, and not in the good way!). She also said she felt like K(although she didn't call him by name) would be involved with someone within 6 to 18 months of the divorce. (I told K that, and he laughed out loud and said he should ask her for this mystery woman's name, address and phone number!)

Back to Don. She said she felt like we'd reconnect, get back in touch, but she said she senses that he's happily married. (Yes, with his second child on the way!) She said that there might be something like him telling me he'd had a crush on me way back when, but that she senses that he's more like a brother now, that there's a brother love there. Very true.

She also asked me if I had two children. I said no, and she asked if I'd ever had a miscarriage. I said I didn't think so, but if I had, it had been one so early that I hadn't even known I was pregnant. She said she didn't think that was it, that this would have been something I was aware of. She said she kept seeing two children around me. !!! And she kept seeing a girl. She said that at some point, I might decide to have another child, or that possibly the man I end up with will have a child, but that she definitely saw two. YIKES!!! I'm certainly not planning on having another, so let's hope that whoever I end up involved with has a daughter.

Then there's my career. She said that she really feels very strongly that I will make a career change in the not-too-distant future. Not a job change, but a career change. She said she saw me possibly teaching or instructing, or providing information. She said it's possible that I could start my own law practice, but if that was it, it would be in a completely different area than what I'm in now. She said she gets the sense that I'm a frustrated writer. (Yep. I'd love to write a novel, but can't ever seem to keep one straight in my head.) She said that it could be an opportunity that someone presents to me, but that she feels more like it will be something that niggles around in my head and then one day the idea just occurs to me. She said that whatever it is will likely have a 2 to 3-year building curve, but that my finances wouldn't tank during that time. She said it's possible that this may require more education - maybe another degree, or maybe just a path or course of learning. And it's something where I'll look back in five or six years and think, wow, isn't it interesting how this developed! Sounds good to me.

And I think those are the high points. I was really blown away by some of the things she came up with, and I think it was definitely money and time well spent. I told K about it (well, parts of it, not so much the stuff about him), and he said he wants one now!

I got a lovely gift tonight. After he woke up at 6:40 this morning saying, "Where are you, mama, it's time to wake up!" and proceeded to be a serious grump for the better part of the day, J fell asleep with his head in my lap while we were reading books in bed. Sweet boy. I moved one leg out from under his head, so his head was lying on the mattress. He turned his head to the other side, I managed to get out of bed with a minimum of noise and motion, and he was out like a light. I covered him with his blanket and he's been snoring since. Now, I just hope he doesn't wake up at 5:00 in the morning!

Is tomorrow Monday already?! Blech, it can't be. I'm not ready to go face another work week.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Just a quickie

Today has been better. :) You can see the top of my desk, and I always feel better when things are organized. Let's see how long I can keep it that way!

Saw my doc this morning. Blood pressure is still up, so she gave me five weeks' worth of samples of Diovan. (I'm becoming a regular little pharmacopoeia!) I'm to go see her before those are gone, to see how I'm doing. She checked my cholesterol while I was there - just a finger stick, and results in about five minutes. The ratio is OK, the HDL level is good, triglycerides are good, overall level is OK, so it's nice to know I'm not going to burst into flame.

And now I'm off - more later!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

The insanity continues

Today has been an absolute three-ring circus. I don't have time to write all about it right now, but I am SO ready for Friday. I didn't get to eat lunch until after 2:00, and my lunch is still sitting on my desk about half-eaten.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to talk about my blood pressure. Hopefully she can give me some nice pills to help out with that. Gee, I can't imagine what in my life might make my blood pressure go up, can you?!

Did I mention I'm having a reading done on Saturday? Should be interesting. I will of course write all about it after I'm done.

Gotta dash, much to do and only 1 1/2 hours left in the day.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Pass the tequila, please

And a straw. It's been one of those days at work where I'm going home feeling like I've been beaten with sticks. We had a health fair today, and one of the booths there had these little things called Stressdots. The idea is, you put this dot on the back of your hand, and your stress level can be measured by the color of the dot. I figured mine would just explode and not turn any color at all. It's hovered between olive green and black most of the day, and that means you're at the "less relaxed" end of the spectrum. No shit.

And the fun promises to continue tomorrow. No time to post, I'm hoping to make it out of here before anything else blows up on me. More later.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Shit, figurative and literal

All day at work I deal with shit in the figurative sense. Today I got to come home and deal with it in the literal sense. I don't know if J has a little bug or he just ate something that disagreed with him, but daycare called to let me know he'd had two flaming poops (three by the time I got there). He came home today with a bag full of clothes in desperate need of a wash, which I tossed in (shoes and all) with a lot of Spray 'n Wash Pink (greatest invention ever) and some detergent and hoped for the best. (It all turned out sparkly clean - again, Spray 'n Wash Pink is good stuff, I wish I'd thought of it.) He kept telling me he didn't feel good and that his stomach hurt. Anytime my kid is content to eat applesauce and crackers for supper, it's a pretty good bet he's not operating at 100%. Two more rounds of poop before bedtime, resulting in one change of bed linens and one (more) bath, and I'm fairly tired of the literal shit. J sacked out a little before 9:30. I just hope he sleeps all night without any more go-rounds with poop - I'm just not up to changing a sheet at 3 AM. And I want him to feel better - it hurts my heart to see him feeling poorly, and I could tell tonight that he wasn't his usual exuberant self. I'd see flashes of that exuberance occasionally, but he wasn't operating at his usual high speed. I hope he gets a good night's sleep, poop-free, because the rest will probably go a long way toward helping him feel better.

Today has been a really hard day. Nothing specifically bad happened, I just woke up with a bad attitude. Horrible, in fact. I didn't care about anything on my desk, and that's not good. But there's no soul satisfaction in my job, and the moments when I feel like I do anything that's appreciated are few and far between. I'd say that for me, it's almost the opposite of soul satisfaction, it's soul-destroying. I'm not sure how much of it is work, how much is stress in general, whether the Wellbutrin isn't working as well as it used to, some kind of hormonal swing from having that time of the month show up two weeks early (lovely!), all of the above, or what, but I found myself on the verge of tears more times today than I can count. And it wasn't over anything major, it was over stuff that on a normal day wouldn't faze me at all. But I'm so tired of having to talk to so many people who aren't happy with the services we provide. I'm tired of having to try to explain things that I don't feel at all qualified to explain (and that I really don't think should be part of my job description). My blood pressure is still up, to a point where it's cause for concern, even with the Wellbutrin seemingly helping me to manage stress (well, with the exception of today), and I'm sure it's in good part because of work (there are quite a few co-workers who have health issues, some more serious than others, and it's not really the norm, I don't think, to have *that* many people with that many health issues working in the same place). Exercise would probably help, too, but I'm thinking that if I worked at a job that didn't wig me out so much, I wouldn't have this issue. I guess I'm going to have to suck up and talk to my doctor about blood pressure medication. I think it's hideously unfair - with the exception of the last three weeks of my pregnancy with J, I've never had blood pressure problems, not even at my highest pre-lap-band weight. And it's not like this is the first stressful job I've had. When I worked as a prosecutor, I was often so stressed that I ground my teeth loudly enough at night to wake K up. But my blood pressure was never a problem. Until now.

And I've started reading what I thought would be a fun chick lit novel, called Mr. Maybe. It's about a woman who's single and dating, and at first thinks she's just looking for a fling. She meets a guy who's incredibly good-looking, great in bed, and who she really finds herself falling for more than she intended, but he's an aspiring writer with no money and a grubby apartment and different political views than hers. Then she meets a most eligible bachelor who's clearly crazy about her, and who she likes and thinks maybe she could settle for, who's got pots of cash, spends liberally and treats her like a princess, but there's no spark, no passion. I haven't finished the book yet, so I can't tell you who she chooses, but it made me surprisingly sad reading it and thinking that I don't feel like anyone has ever treated me like a princess. And not that I want a sugar daddy to shower me with extravagant gifts (although I wouldn't turn that down if I happened to like him into the bargain! LOL). It would just be nice to have a significant other who thought the room lit up when I walked in, and who made me feel special and desired and cherished.

Oh, the latest from one of the meet-and-greet sites: I got a "wink" today. The funny thing is, I'm not at all sure the guy really read my profile. His profile said he was looking for a woman who could put Jesus first in her life (um, missed the part where I said I'm not a very good Southern Baptist anymore and would consider myself a seeker?). He wants three kids (I want no more, I'm happy with the one I have, thanks). He's looking for someone who's a non-drinker (I don't drink to excess, but I have been known to toss back a margarita from time to time). Maybe he just thought I was cute, who knows. At any rate, I'm thinking this is someone I probably wouldn't have a whole lot in common with. Besides, he's younger than me by about five years, and I've gotten to the point where I think that might be too much younger than me. I'm really thinking I should just give that whole scene a rest and concentrate on all the things I want to get done around here and on improving myself.

And on that happy note, I'm going to bed - I should get some sleep now, just in case J does wake up in the middle of the night howling. Depending on how he feels in the morning, we may be going to school as usual or we may be making a trip to the doctor's office. Nothin' but fun.

You heard me, I just don't care

That's how I feel today. I'm mentally and emotionally not in the mood to be at work. Not really sure why, if it's post-party letdown after J's big weekend, or what, but I'm really struggling to focus today, struggling to give a damn. I'd like nothing more than to be home in my bed, asleep, right now.

But the weekend was fun. Grandparents came, J got more toys than we have room for, and he was thoroughly oversugared and overstimulated. And thankfully, wiped out - he was asleep by 8:30 both Saturday and Sunday nights! And Sunday morning, he woke up asking for milk at 6:20 and WENT BACK TO BED for another hour. That has *never* happened, so I know he was tired. This morning he woke up at 5:45, but at least he went to bed at a decent hour and slept all night.

The party was great. If anyone has a Little Gym close to them, and has a young child, I'd highly recommend having a party there. They were great - they set everything up, cleaned everything up, kept up with who gave what gift (so we can do thank you notes), and it just went so very well. Worth every penny!

And now I'm back at work. I'm not sure why I'm in such a funk. Everything and nothing, I guess. I'm thinking more and more about not trying to meet new people right now. That's a real energy drain - it's a lot of work, getting to know someone and being concerned with putting your best foot forward and all that, and I'm not sure I have the energy to spare right now. I'm not 100% sure of this, but I'm getting closer to really deciding to do that.

I'll write more later - I really must force myself to work.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Dashing past

Just a quick note - it's been crazy at work, and I'm not sure how much time I'll have to write this weekend, given the upcoming family visit and J's party and all.

Today has been a zoo. One of my accounts has just burst into flame, and it's going to be a mess to take care of. But we'll muddle through, I reckon.

J still isn't sleeping worth anything. I'm sure he'll be far too excited to sleep much this weekend. Maybe next week I'll get a good night's sleep?

K's parents are coming tomorrow. Should be interesting, given that his mom originally asked K, when he told them what was happening, if he had to get an apartment, couldn't he just get a hotel for a week or two. *SIGH* I love his parents, and I'm really sorry if this hurts him, and I don't want them to get their hopes up that K and I will patch things up and go back to the "perfect" marriage everyone thought we had. K and I are friends, always will be, and it's likely that we'll continue to spend time together and do things on occasion. And he's a good dad to J and loves his son dearly, and I love him for those things. But do I feel the love for him that's needed to sustain a marriage? No. That shriveled up and died a long time ago. So I'd hate to see his parents hurt more by continuing to hope for a reconciliation, and be that much more disappointed when it didn't happen. But I love them, they're family and always will be, and hopefully they'll be so glad to see J and spoil him rotten that the weekend won't degenerate into conversations about the whys and wherefores of K and I's marital issues.

OK, gotta wind things up before I get out of here - I'll write more when I have time.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005


As I was walking back from my training class today, I went through the underground tunnels that connect parts of downtown Dallas. The particular tunnel I was walking through was deserted at the time, except for me. It was so quiet. I wanted to just sit there for a while and be silent and still. And it dawned on me - I'm never anywhere quiet, not really. At work, I'm surrounded by the hum of other people on the phone, copiers and printers whirring, people walking by my cube and talking, telephones ringing. It really is quite noisy, and makes me tired. At home J is fairly noisy when he's awake, but it's usually good noise (unless he's having a fit). Still noise, though. And when he's asleep, I'm surrounded by house noise - the dishwasher running, the washing machine humming, every once in a while the TV or stereo going. I've been reading a book called The Dance of the Dissident Daughter - very interesting reading, it's about a woman's spiritual journey from the conservative Christian tradition she grew up in (Southern Baptist, like me) to a reconnection with the sacred feminine. I see a lot of myself and my mother in the book, but reading it has been making me feel like I somehow fall short, because I don't feel a pull from the Divine, right now I don't really feel much of a connection with anything like that. And today I realized - how can I ever hear a still, small voice when I'm never still and never quiet? I'm really thinking that my time to myself should really be primarily for *myself*, and not for building up any kind of active social life at this point. I need the quiet, if only to recharge from the stress of dealing with people, people, people all week long. And perhaps in the process, I can find my soul again. I think it's hiding right now.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005


My July horoscope said this:

Mars will leave Aries on July 28, and from then on, you won't be able to socialize nearly as much as you will be now. In fact, it appears that you go into an opposite situation, a seven month self-imposed period of hibernation.

I thought that was interesting, as I'd been thinking about taking a break from meeting people for a while. I'm thinking I need time to myself more than I need a real active social life at this point. I have plenty of things at home that could use my attention. So I'd been contemplating taking down any profiles I have on meet-and-greet sites, and just going out with my girlfriends when I feel the need to get out of the house. I haven't completely decided about this, but that's the direction I'm leaning.

I was supposed to have a reading done on Saturday, but the woman who was supposed to do it got sick. She called Friday night and asked if we could reschedule, and I said that would be fine. So I'm not sure yet when it will be rescheduled for. Hopefully it won't have to be put off too much!

I'll write more later - I've got training at 10, if I can get off this phone call.

Monday, July 18, 2005

It feels like Monday

The weekend was all right. A friend of mine hosted a Pampered Chef party on Saturday (I'm a PC consultant), and it went well. We only had three other people there, but it was fun. Hey, cooking, talking about cooking, and getting to eat, what's not to like? :)

I did go to Little Gym on Saturday with J and K. I know it was K's weekend, but J was so glad to see me, I was really glad I went. :) How can you not be happy when your child sees you and comes running, hollering, "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" and bouncing up and down? I'm not going to go every weekend - after all, it's not really completely "my" free weekend if I'm always going to Little Gym on Saturdays. But I don't mind going occasionally.

K's parents will be here this weekend for J's birthday and party. Should be interesting. They didn't take the news of the separation too well, and I hate that this is so hard for them. But it's like I told K - he and I have had two years to get used to the idea and to talk through it, where his parents haven't. Hopefully once they really realize that we're all doing OK, they won't be so distressed about it. Not that I think they'd ever be OK with the idea, but I hope they can come to see that we can still get along, that J will be fine, that they'll still get to see J, that I'm OK, that K is OK, and that while this may not be the path anyone thought we'd take when K and I got married almost 11 years ago, it's not the end of the world.

And speaking of J's birthday - wow, I can't believe my baby boy will be THREE!!!! Seems like just yesterday he was this little bitty baby who didn't do much more than eat and sleep and poop, and who could rest his feet on my arm and fit his head under my chin. And now he's this huge, independent, stubborn, headstrong, intelligent, talkative, busy little boy who's very much his own person, who throws everything that comes to hand, who doesn't always mind his mama, and who makes my world light up when he calls me "mama" (or "mommy", whichever he's using at the moment!). Who knew I could love someone so very much?!

He's all excited about his birthday. He keeps asking about presents and if he gets all the presents. He's requested a cake with Thomas the Tank Engine on it. I'm sure it will be a day of too much stimulation and too much sugar, and he'll have lots of fun.

And now for something completely different. I've been thinking a bit about not trying to get out and meet people. I'm thinking about using the time I have to myself to work on projects around my house (God knows there are plenty), and going out with girlfriends if I want to get out of the house. I'm thinking I need to spend some time just being "Lisa" before I really think about spending significant amounts of time with a guy. I've never been of the mindset that I *need* a man to support me or make me complete or some other such train of thought, I know I can take care of myself. So it's not like I'm desperate to jump back into a relationship. I'm thinking it's time to just be by myself for a bit. I haven't decided 100%, but that's the way I'm leaning.

It's only 3:00?! Ugh, will this day never end?

Saturday, July 16, 2005


My Bloginality is ISTJ!!!

As an ISTJ, you are Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, and Judging.
This makes your primary focus on Introverted Sensing with Extraverted Thinking.

This is defined as a SJ personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Guardian (Security Seeking) type, and more specifically the Inspectors or Duty Fulfiller.

As a weblogger, you may well have a dependable form of posting. You may be more likely to be judgemental toward others who aren't as dependable. You may get taken advantage of in group situations because you are known as not being able to say no. Because of your respect for facts and information, you may need multiple blogs to keep all of the information sorted in your head.


Yep, that pretty much describes me to a T.

Friday, July 15, 2005


This is a special kind of stupid, and just goes to show that some people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. Here's the text:

A Dewey woman is being held on $30,000 bond after her arrest for allegedly giving birth while intoxicated.

Melissa Irene Tanner, 37, faces charges of child neglect.

Reportedly, Tanner gave birth to a baby girl on June 30 who was born with a blood alcohol content close to three times the legal limit set by the Department of Pubic Safety.

Reports indicate the baby was not breathing upon birth and had to be administered "Narcan" to counteract any narcotics that may have been present in the baby. After an emergency procedure by hospital staff, the child started breathing, reports indicate.

Tanner reportedly has six other children.

According to a July 11 probable cause affidavit filed in the case, Washington County Sheriff's Office deputies were alerted on June 30 at 11:35 p.m. that a woman who was possibly intoxicated had given birth at Jane Phillips Medical Center.

Upon arrival, deputies were informed that Tanner had arrived via ambulance after a reported fall from a porch, according to the affidavit. Her baby was later delivered at approximately 10:05 p.m. The infant reportedly weighed 6 pounds and 2 ounces.

Attending physicians reportedly told deputies that Tanner told them she had been drinking and that she and another individual consumed a case of beer. The affidavit states that Tanner also told hospital staff that she did not know that she was pregnant.

According to the affidavit, deputies reported that upon entering Tanner's hospital room, "a strong odor of an intoxicating beverage was immediately present upon entering the room." They further reported that when speaking to Tanner, "her speech was slurred or thick, (and) her eyes appeared slightly red."

Tanner reportedly told police that she considers herself to be an alcoholic and that she did not consider herself to be drunk at that time. According to the affidavit, she said she was drinking because she was stressed and had been having problems with her in-laws. When asked if she had been intoxicated at anytime during her pregnancy, she reportedly said "maybe a few times." She later said she was intoxicated twice a week during her pregnancy, the affidavit states.

A doctor's report on the baby as of July 5 reportedly indicated that the child's features were consistent with fetal alcohol syndrome and that the child is suffering from withdrawals indicating that it is addicted to alcohol.

According to the affidavit, the child has been moved from one foster home to another due to "the incessant crying" that has accompanied the infant. Eventually, the baby was moved to a caretaker that has experience dealing with addicted infants.

Reportedly, the range or extent of physical and mental damage from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome may only be determined as the child matures, but it is permanent, according to the Center for Disease Control. The CDC lists Fetal Alcohol Syndrome as the leading preventable cause of mental retardation and physical deformity, according to the affidavit.

Tanner has previous convictions in Washington County for domestic abuse, violation of a protective order, resisting arrest and pubic intoxication.


Another article I read gave the baby's blood alcohol level as 0.21. That's tree-hugging drunk for most full-grown adults, much less a 6-pound baby. It's a wonder that baby didn't die. In Texas, your blood alcohol only has to be 0.10 for you to be legally intoxicated, and in some states, the limit is lower than that. There aren't enough words to express how very angry this makes me. That poor baby isn't going to have the chance in life that we'd hope all babies would have, a chance at a healthy, happy life. And she didn't choose that life, her dumb-ass mother chose it for her. Who the hell thinks it's OK to drink half a case of beer when you're about to give birth?! Oh, wait, she didn't know she was pregnant. She'd had six kids and couldn't recognize the signs? Please. I hope they throw the book at her.

Thunder and lightning and very little sleep

This entire week has been nasty sleep. I already wrote about Monday night/Tuesday morning. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning J was up three times during the night. Not for very long any of the three times, but my sleep was interrupted and that's enough to make me tired. Wednesday night/Thursday morning he woke up at 2 AM with this horrid choking, wheezing cough, saying it was hard to breathe. So we had a breathing treatment at 2 AM, which helped a bit (enough that I didn't rush to the ER but waited to see his pediatrician yesterday), and J said he felt better, but it was 3:30 by the time I got him back to sleep.

And last night - I was really hoping for good bedtime. J was rubbing his eyes and yawning by 4:00, and asking for his pajamas by about 7:00. We were in bed reading books at 7:30. Just as he was winding down and we were about to finish our last book, a horrific storm blew through. We heard the thunder and lightning and wind, and then this tat-a-tat-a-tat sound (hail, and lots of it). Of course J wanted to go see what was making that noise, so we had to go look at the hail and look at the ferocious winds (my windchimes are literally in knots, that's how hard it was blowing). It was constant thunder and lightning, and pouring rain, and wind blowing so hard that it made a whining sound coming through the back door (kind of like the sound it makes if you put tissue paper over a comb and blow through the paper). J wasn't scared, no, far from it. He was bouncing up and down and having a fine old time, and getting completely wound up again. Thanks a lot, Mother Nature.

So we went through the winding-down process again. Around 9:30 I let J get out of bed so I could put some Vaporub on his chest to help him breathe, and I noticed yellow flashing lights outside. Hmm, the lights are still on, so it's not the electric company, wonder who it is? I went to check, and of course J followed me. A tree at the end of my driveway had blown down onto my driveway and the road, and a crew from the county was out there chopping it up and getting it moved. Boink, J was all wound up again! "Mama, that tree go boom! Mama, that tree fall down outside!" And on and on. It was 10:30 before he FINALLY gave it up and went to sleep, and by that point I was so cross with him and with the situation that I just felt terrible. And then he woke up at 4:15 wanting to rock. He wasn't up long, but still, he was up.

Is it bad of me to be relieved that this is his weekend with K? Although I sincerely hope he sleeps better for K, and I hope he just gets back to a good sleep pattern in general.

Re: the weather. I'm wondering if we didn't have a little tornado blow through. We lost one tree, and another is perched precariously, barely hanging by a root. (I wish it would have blown over into the road, then the county would have had to deal with it. Now it's my problem. Dang it!) Half of our neighbor's Bradford pear tree was taken out, and there were trees down all along the road - the county had a wood chipper out this morning, chipping up the storm debris. I saw some twisted road signs (one was facing the opposite direction of the way it was supposed to face), and I saw a trampoline - a big round one - up in a tree. Not too bad, all things considered, but a bit worse than your run-of-the-mill summer thunderstorm.

I'd better get back to work. This is my late night, so I'm here until 7:00. Fun, fun.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


I forgot to write about my spider friend - one seems to have adopted us.

I first saw it on the floor in J's bathroom. It was close to the door, and when I went in to get whatever I was after, it backed away, like it saw me, then came forward again, like it wanted to get closer to check me out.

Then one night I saw what looked to be the same spider on the wall above the toilet in J's bathroom. It's a fairly small spider, about the same diameter as a quarter, but it looks almost furry - not one of those skinny-legged spiders. It's black, with a white spot on its abdomen (I didn't freak out too much, because I think black widows have red spots, not white). I saw it on the wall, and because I'm not a big fan of bugs, it ooged me a little, so I kept an eye on it. (J was in the bathtub at the time, and I wasn't going to take my attention off of him to do anything with the spider.) It crawled up to the underside of the cabinet above the toilet, then crawled up the side and eventually over the top. It would periodically stop, and look almost like it was looking at us. Then when it got to the top of the cabinet, it would disappear and reappear on the edge, almost like it was looking down at us. But it went up on top of the cabinet, and I figured that was that.

The next night, I saw the spider on the floor next to the toilet, looking pretty poorly - I thought it was dead at first. Then I saw it trying to climb up the side of the bathtub, but it didn't get far. It fell back down onto the floor and twitched occasionally, and the last time I checked on it before J and I got out of the bathroom, it looked curled up. I figured that was that.

The next night, I saw the spider on the bathtub. It was time for J's bath, he was in there with me, and I didn't want that spider right there for his bath, so I brushed the spider off into the empty trashcan. I kept glancing at the trashcan, expecting the spider to crawl up out of it, but it never did, and I figured that was that.

The next night, the spider was on the edge of the trashcan when it was time for J's bath. I was still a little freaked out at having the spider in the room, but by this point I was pretty curious to see what it would do next. It sat on the trashcan for a while, and would periodically raise a couple of its legs, almost like a horse would if it was rearing. Then it somehow got to the handle of the toilet brush. It would climb up on the tip of the handle, and when I'd look over at it, would crawl down the side of the handle a little ways to where I couldn't really see it. Then it would crawl back up on top of the handle, again, almost like it would crawl back up to look at us.

The next morning, I saw it on the back of the toilet. I didn't see it again that day.

The next night, it was perched on the shower curtain. The curtain is a dark color, so the spider wasn't real obvious until I got close, and it startled me a bit. I may be a nut, but I decided to talk to the spider a bit. I told it I didn't mind if it stayed there, seeing as how it would eat other bugs and all, but that I'd appreciate it if it would stay somewhere a little less obvious during bath time, that it freaked me out just a little.

Last night, I didn't see the spider when I first went into the bathroom with J for bath time. Then I looked up at the top part of the shower curtain, and there he sat. I kept a close eye on it during bath time, but it never moved. Just sat there, and one time, turned around like it was looking at us.

I'm no expert on spider behavioral patterns, so I have no idea if this is odd or not. But I'm kind of getting used to having the little critter around.

Same old, same old

Last night wasn't quite as bad as Monday night. But it still took J an hour and a half to settle down and go to sleep, and he was up three times last night - 12-something, 3-something and 5:30. *SIGH* (And if the boy doesn't just pass out after being up half the night the night before, I don't know what it takes!) So I got a fair amount of sleep, but it came in chunks of about 2 1/2 hours each. Still not a *good* night's sleep. Is it terrible that I find myself thinking, "Only two more nights, and then he goes to his dad's for two days"? LOL Not that I wish this kind of night on K - no, I'd rather J get past this stretch of bad sleep and go back to sleeping most all night, most every night. Then we'll all be better rested and a lot happier!

On the sleep front, I had a friend ask me what would happen if J just couldn't get out of his room when he woke up (i.e., a baby gate or a closed door). If part of his poor sleep is anxiety over K moving out, the last thing I'd want to do is make him feel like he didn't have access to mama. So it seems to me that efforts to keep him in his room would just make his anxiety worse. And I know from experience trying crying it out when he was younger that J doesn't give up and settle down, he just yells louder. So I'm thinking that's not a good option. He's gone through spells of poor sleep in the past - he'd have wakeful periods like this when he was younger, no telling what triggered them, nothing I could figure out to get past them, just suck up and wait for the phase to pass. He's never been what I would call a "good" sleeper, he's always been asleep late and up early (he woke up once at 2:45 AM, ready to go for the day - this was when he still took naps, and he did nap, but not any longer than usual, and no, he didn't go to bed any earlier that night!), he's always had spells of poor sleep, and except for a stretch when he was about 6-9 months old when we'd lay him down and he'd go right to sleep on his own, bedtime has never been easy. So this latest phase could be anxiety, could be a growth spurt, could be bad dreams, could just be the way he's wired, could be something completely different that I haven't considered. I just think it's something to be survived, and I hope the phase passes soon!

So I'm not a total zombie like I was yesterday, just moderately tired, and I can live with that. Work muddles on. I'm waiting on some information, and when I get it, I've got to make a phone call that could be fairly unpleasant. Ugh. But I hope I get the info today, I'd rather make the call today and get it over with than drag it out until tomorrow.

I was really happy with the pork roast I fixed in the crockpot last night. It was yummy, and J even liked it and asked for more. :) He's a good kid, he'll eat most anything (well, except Raisin Bran - he spits that right out). So now that I've reminded myself how lovely it is to have dinner pretty much completely done when I get home, I'll be using the crockpot a lot more.

We're supposed to have a team lunch tomorrow to celebrate our team leader's promotion and to say goodbye to another team member who's moving to another area here. We'd planned to leave at 11:15. I thought, yay, lunch out! Then it dawned on me - I'm supposed to have training tomorrow from 10 to 12. UGH. The training is a course that they like to have everyone attend who comes in here without any prior background in what I do. The course was offered in Atlanta shortly after I arrived, but my manager said he wouldn't make me take off for a week on such short notice, and I was very appreciative of that. I figured I'd miss the course and that would be that. I didn't realize they had the course here as well. But they do, and I'm going to it. Now in theory I think this is a really good idea, and of course I want to learn anything I can that's specific to this company that might help me do a better job. And I don't mind going to the training. But this particular lesson is such that my law school education and previous experience (between law school and reviewing tons of documents, I think I understand the different types of trusts) has pretty well given me a handle on it. So I've asked my manager if maybe I could give this session a miss (you can make up missed classes, but tomorrow's session is the last one on this particular topic for this go-round of the training). If he tells me to go, I'll go, but I'll be really pissed about having to miss lunch to sit through two hours of something I already feel pretty secure about. We'll see what he says.

And now, back to the grind - more later!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I think I can, I think I can...

With the liberal application of caffeine and chocolate, I've managed to stay mostly awake most of the day. Only 10 minutes until quittin' time.... I hope this is one of those nights J is so tired that he's falling asleep in his dinner. I would be VERY thankful.

And I'm also thankful that dinner should be done when I get home - at this point, I don't even care if it tastes good or not, as long as it's food and it's already fixed. LOL

More later, but probably not tonight!

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors

but I think that God's got a sick sense of humor. Why else would my child have been awake from 1:45 to 4:30 AM?!?! I feel like the butt of a big cosmic joke sometimes, and this is one of those times. Last night, bedtime was great. Tonight, I've paid for it dearly. It's enough to almost make me wish I never got those serendipitous nights of easy bedtimes. The price I always seem to pay the next night is just too high.

He woke up wet, but I didn't realize it until he'd wandered into the living room and started picking up toys. So we changed. Back in bed. Then began the litany - want milk, wanna rock, there's a monster in my blankie (this is a new one, we had to send the monster outside), and just NOT SLEEPING. I don't know why he couldn't sleep. He was yawning like a little Pez-head. We rocked, we had milk, I tucked him in, rubbed his back. And the really cruel thing? He'd settle down for five or ten minutes, just enough to where I'd think he might be going on to sleep. Then I'd hear the sound of little feet coming down the hall. At 4:00 he got out of bed and was so tired he didn't even make sense when he talked. I rocked him for about 20 minutes and then put him back in bed. He mumbled something nonsensical and rolled over and FINALLY slept. But now there's just no point in me going to sleep. The alarm goes off at 5:15, and if I'd gone to sleep at 4:30, I'd have overslept (I'm sorry, 45 minutes' sleep doesn't even qualify as a good nap in my book). So I'm awake.

This means I'll be functioning on about two hours' sleep today. I was up until about 12, fixing things for the crockpot and doing a little bit around the house. I have a training class from 10 to 12 today - anyone want to bet on how long I'll be there before I fall asleep? It's definitely a coffee day, and even with that, it's still going to suck ass. I just hope J is so tired tonight that we don't have a repeat performance.

Monday, July 11, 2005

From one extreme to the other

Last night was a treat. Tonight was a trial. J was asking to put his jammies on around 7:30, so we finished up dinner and got ready for bed pretty quick. He was already rubbing his eyes, so I had hopes of a fairly early bedtime tonight. We got in bed and read some books. And read, and read. Then I told him it was time to turn out the light. And the parade of reasons to be out of bed started. "Mama, I want milk - I come with you to get it." "Mama, I need to change - my pants are wet." "Mama, I wanna rock." (Got that one about five times.) "Mama, I want to lay on the floor." I stayed with him and rubbed his back - no sleep. I rocked and sang - no sleep. By the last time he got out of bed before he gave it up at 9:45, he was so tired he could barely stand up - he nearly fell down getting off his little stepstool. Yet some impulse pushed him to keep trying to stay awake. I don't understand that. So here I've been worrying for a while that maybe I was doing J a disservice by not trying harder to move the evening schedule up and get him into bed earlier (some nights it may be 8:30 before I actually get him *in* bed, with the commute and dinner and bath and any errands I might have to run on the way home). And now it turns out that getting in the bed earlier doesn't mean earlier bedtime, it just means *longer* bedtime. Tonight it took over two hours instead of the usual one. *SIGH* On the bright side, at least we got lots of time to read. But I just don't get the not sleeping. He'll tell me he's tired. Yet something makes him keep going.

In other news: I'm now trying to motivate myself to go to the kitchen and get things ready to toss into the crockpot tomorrow morning. I've got a really bad case of the "I don't wanna's", and I keep telling myself that a little work tonight will make for a much easier evening tomorrow. So far, I'm not listening to myself. LOL

Oh well, I guess if I'm going to cut up veggies, I'd better go do it. More later.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

It's a miracle

J passed out at 8:00. This is almost unheard of. We were reading, and as I was reading to him, he crawled out of my lap and lay down on the other part of the bed. After a brief moment of fussy wakefulness in which he asked first for TV, then for milk, I left to get the milk and he was snoring when I came back. This is a gift. I'm not stupid, I'm getting off of here, having a hot bath and going to SLEEP!!! :-)

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Insert clever title here

Because I'm too tired to think of one. It's been a rather tiring couple of days.

Yesterday was just the usual workday. Today J actually slept until about 7:45 (at least I guess he was sleeping, he wasn't making enough noise to wake me up before then), and didn't get out of bed until almost 8:00. So I got a little more sleep than usual, which is always nice.

Then we went to Little Gym. Seems like the routine is becoming, get dressed, leave the house all excited about it, get close and realize we're right by Target, throw a screaming fit to go to Target, go to Little Gym anyway, and run until we're worn out. (Seriously, that's how J spends most of class - just running back and forth across the gym, occasionally stopping to climb on something and jump off!) But we had a good time. I had no idea it was going to be so much exercise for me, too! I was proud of him - he's been sticking real close to me (or to K, when he's been there), and today he actually took off on his own and ran around for a little bit. Not the whole time, but he's getting a little more willing to venture away from mama, which is good. :)

After that we went to Target, since I needed to pick up a few things and J does love it so. We very nearly left with nothing. He picked out one toy and we walked away from the toy section to finish shopping. Then he started whining that he wanted a train (after we'd already seen and passed up the trains - not like he hadn't had opportunity to pick one out). I told him no, we'd gotten a tractor, we were going to pay for that and for our things and go home. Let the screaming begin - he was probably howling loud enough to be heard in the next county. So I took him out of the cart, screaming and thrashing, left the cart there with my stuff in it, and carried him outside. It's a real challenge for me to hang on to 40+ pounds of yowling, squirming boy, especially when he doesn't particularly want to be carried, and I just made it out of the store before I had to put him down. We stood there for a minute, and by now he was asking for his tractor. I asked him if he was going to calm down, and he said yes. So we took a couple minutes' breather and then finished our shopping. If he started to grump, the threat of going outside and leaving settled him down in fairly short order. But boy, that was tiring.

Then we came home. No nap, lots of Tom and Jerry on TV (MaMa sent a DVD, and J loves it), lots of playing with trucks, and he ate little mini corn dogs until I thought he'd pop. Then I made the mistake of putting the baby keyboard on the computer and letting him play with it. He's just about outgrown it, but he still likes to play with it, and the little programs are as annoying as all get out. But we stayed on for about 40 minutes before it was time to turn the computer off. And he howled over that. When exactly do they get past having quite so many tantrums?! He's snoring now, though, and bedtime wasn't particularly difficult (we've had worse).

And now for something completely different. Last night was really the first time I haven't known for sure where K was. The times either of us has been out, we've let the other one know where we were going. I knew he had plans Friday night, but I didn't know where. I didn't know for sure where he was today. It was kind of odd. But I reckon the exact details of his comings and goings aren't mine to know anymore, and I guess the same could be said of him knowing the specifics of what I do. It's kind of weird, getting used to that when you've known everything about a person for so long, not to know anymore. But as long as he has his cell phone and can be reached in case of emergency, he's a grown man, he can do as he pleases.

And now for something even more completely different. I started reading a really interesting book last night. I've had it in my bookcase for a long time, but only picked it up last night because I was out of other things to read. It's called The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd. It's her story of, as she puts it, her "journey from Christian tradition to the sacred feminine." It's very thought-provoking, and I see a lot of myself and my mother in her words. But I can't really explain it right now, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it. I have a feeling this is one of those books I'll have to read more than once to really make sense of it.

Now, I'm off to enjoy a bubble bath, and I'm hoping J surprises me and sleeps in like he did this morning!

Friday, July 08, 2005

Just a little note

Not much time to write, I'm swamped at work (and on a Friday, too - no fair!). Bedtime last night took a long time. Daycare drop-off was brutal this morning. My job makes me certifiably insane. Same shit, different day. I'll write more later, gotta return a phone call - yippee.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Maybe this was what they meant

My horoscope talked about unexpected financial surprises today. Well, I just found out that I'm not getting a raise this year. That's no surprise, I didn't *expect* to get one. It still sucks, but I'm not surprised. If that's all the financial bad news I get today, I can handle it.

We've been watching coverage of the London bombings in the break room. Why are people so nasty? I don't understand, and it makes me sad. And seeing things like this makes me wish I worked somewhere other than downtown Dallas. Here's a picture of the Dallas skyline. See that tallest building? It's the tallest in Dallas, I think. It was across the street from my old building, and it's only a few blocks from the building we've moved to. Supposedly it was a possible target for 9/11. I don't know for sure that that's true, but even the thought of it being considered is scary enough. And K works in the pointy building. If anything were to ever happen in downtown Dallas, we'd both be here, with J in daycare 30 miles away. Dallas is a big place, and those buildings are a very recognizable part of the skyline. I wish I worked somewhere not so near something that could be a very attractive target for people seeking to do harm. At least I don't live right in town.

Parenting is a contact sport

Or at least that's what it feels like today. Bedtime last night was another go-round - J wasn't fussing, he just wasn't sleeping. He was up until 10:00 - at about 9:50 he wanted to rock, and finally sacked out on my shoulder. It was nice to get to rock him to sleep, since that doesn't happen too often these days, but I'd have been satisfied with him just going to sleep at a reasonable hour. And now he's not content to sit in his bed and call for me - oh, no, he gets out of bed and comes to find me. "Mama, where are you?" *SIGH*

Then this morning, he woke up informing me it wasn't time to go to school. When we got to school, he stood in the middle of the back seat, where I can't reach him (I have an SUV, and I'm short), and said, "I don't wanna go to school. I wanna go home. I wanna go to work with you, mama." Gotta love the twist of the knife there. And when it came time for me to leave, he was screaming. Nothing starts the day off right like leaving daycare with your son's cries of "Mamaaaaaaaaa!" echoing behind you. Some days it's easier to deal with than others, and today was not one of the easy days. I got in the car and just sobbed. I called K and cried to him. I got off the phone and cried some more. I felt like I could have laid down and cried all day. I feel like I've been beaten with sticks.

And to leave him like that, coming to a job that barely pays enough to make ends meet (I went to law school for this?!), that I'm not passionate about, that most days I don't much like (but I need the paycheck, boy, do I) - it's not even like I can give J an example of mama going to work and being happy about it and feeling like she's making a difference. I leave him for this, and it sucks.

In some ways, I think the women's lib movement has made things worse for women, not better. (I realize that in my current situation, I'd have to work no matter what, and I'm fortunate to have a degree that I can use to support myself and to already be accustomed to working - it's not like I've been financially dependent on K all these years and I'm suddenly finding myself tossed out in the cold, cruel world with no idea which way is up. And I'm glad of that. This is more of a general rant.) Women wanted to be equal to men, which in theory is a noble goal. In practical terms, though, I don't think the goal was accomplished. Women still don't get paid the same as men for the same work. It's often more difficult for women to advance in the workplace, and a woman's career suffers if she takes time off to have a child (more so if she chooses to take substantial time away from her career to stay home with her child, rather than rushing back to the office when her tiny amount of maternity leave is exhausted), more so than a man's would suffer were he to take some time off as paternity leave. But it's almost to a point where most families *have* to have two incomes to get by (or at least it seems that way from where I'm standing), and that sucks. That makes it almost to where women have to work, not to where they have the choice to work and the opportunity to be treated comparably to men when they do make that choice.

All that being said, I'm not sure I'd ever be a full-time stay-at-home mother, not given my background now. I grew up with the understanding that I'd go to college, get a degree, and go out into the world and make something of myself. Even though my mother stayed home with me, my parents never even suggested that I might consider doing likewise. No, it was always expected that I'd work. And now that that's what I'm used to, I don't think I could ever be completely financially dependent on a man - I'd always want to make sure to have my own resources. But I'd at least like the option to stay home, or the option to work part-time, or some option that would allow me to spend a little more time with my son and a little less time commuting and slogging away at a job that doesn't build me up enough emotionally and mentally to make up for how much the time away from my son drains me.

I wonder, too, how much of my current circumstance is due to poor choices on my part. Should I have chosen another field of study? Should I have married for money rather than for love? (I know myself well enough to know I couldn't really have done that.) Should I have taken a more traditional legal career path (and run the risk of having to work insane hours to earn my six-figure income and still have no time for family)? I don't know. All I know is, I don't like where I am now and I'd like to change it somehow.

Bedtime battles, daycare drop-off hell, ulcer-inducing work - is there any part of my day that's good? Some days it doesn't feel like it. I'm trying hard to find those little flashes of joy, but sometimes it's a real challenge.

And the icing on the cake - today's horoscope:

You may receive some difficult news today about your finances.
Perhaps you've been planning a purchase that now turns out to be more expensive and therefore unaffordable. Or maybe there's a delay in receiving an expected check. Either way, look carefully at your money situation and make necessary adjustments.

Oh, yippee, just what I need.

I'm going to go wallow in my little pity pit now and eat some chocolate. Today, Wellbutrin alone just isn't cutting it.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Coffee, anyone?

I could use some more, myself. After being up half the night, J woke up at 5:07 this morning needing dry underpants. He observed, "it's dark outside, it's time to go back to sleep," and I said yes, it was time to go back to sleep. Did he? No. He was awake until 6:15. I toyed with the idea of just getting him up at 5-something and letting him rip, but I had hoped he'd settle in fairly short order, and it's so much easier for me to get showered and dressed if he's still snoozing. If he's awake, I worry about what he's getting into. So I certainly didn't oversleep this morning, but it's not like I got to get ready any earlier, with J still rustling around and occasionally asking where I was. After that, I figured it would be a battle royal to get him out of bed when it was time to get up. But no - the little booger popped out of bed at 6:40 and came to find me, exclaiming, "Mama, I had a nice nap, now it's time to get up!" UGH. I had a peppermint mocha with extra espresso this morning and who knows how many glasses of iced tea at lunch, and I may *still* need more caffeine to get through the day. I have no idea what's up with his sleep issues all of a sudden, but I sure hope this trend is short-lived. I can't do the bedtime battle until 10:00 or later every night, and if he now starts not sleeping through the night (he's been so very good about that for a nice little stretch - even if bedtime was late and wake-up was early, usually he's been good for the night once he finally sleeps), I may just pull my hair out.

And I told his teacher at daycare this morning about his nocturnal antics. I told her he'd probably sleep for three hours if she'd let him (given that he was looking like he could have gone to sleep on the 10-minute ride to daycare this morning), but asked her PLEASE not to do that, to wake him up!!! So maybe he'll be tired enough tonight that bedtime won't be a fight. If Benadryl knocked him out, I tell you, I'd have given him some last night.

On a completely different note, I did have a lovely lunch today. :) I'll write more about that later.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

'Scuse me while I go bang my head into the wall

Tonight has been frustrating in the extreme. I put J to bed around 8:30-8:45. 10:00 rolled around, 10:15, and he was STILL awake. So tired he could barely function, but still awake. I'm not sure why he was fighting sleep so hard tonight, but I was about ready to tear my hair out. I don't think the Wellbutrin made a bit of difference, I'm sure my blood pressure was through the roof and I know I felt like my head was about to pop off. He wanted to change underpants, wanted tea, wanted milk, wanted to rock, and then we started back with "the fan no like me" (we'd had this discussion previously, about the ceiling fan being part of the house, and he'd decided it was OK - tonight he didn't like it, or it didn't like him, one or the other). AARGH. And then he kept saying, "mama, you not go bye-bye", and I kept telling him no, I'd be right here in the house with him. I don't know what prompted this tonight. It was just unbelievably vexing, and then I felt bad for being so frustrated. Will my child ever go to sleep in less than an hour? Are we going back to daycare drop-off being hell every day? (He told me tonight, "We're not going back to school," and I told him no, not tonight, but we'll go in the morning. I worry that his statement doesn't bode well for tomorrow's drop-off.) I'm going to go bang my head into a wall in sheer frustration now....

And tomorrow is my interview. I'm excited and nervous about that at the same time. If the job is offered to me, I just don't want to see only the improved paycheck and jump at it because of that if it's not truly a good fit. Granted, I could put up with a lot of crap for the salary they offer, but I don't want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire, so to speak.

I should go to sleep now. Tomorrow promises to be a big busy day.

Are we sure it's not Monday?

I know it's Tuesday, but damn, it feels like Monday. The poo-poo has been flying fast and furious since I got here this morning. I wish I could have gone along with J's suggestion - when I went to get him out of bed, he rolled over and said, "It's not time to go to school. School is closed. Let's get back in the bed!" If only I could have gone along with that one...!

K has a date this weekend. I'm glad for him. No, really. I know he wasn't completely happy in our marriage for a long time - obviously there was some need I wasn't meeting or maybe just couldn't meet. So if he's not happy with me, I want him to go find someone who does make him happy. And if at the moment it's not Ms. Right but Ms. Right Now, well, then, that's OK, too. So hopefully he can go out and have a good time. I know it probably seems weird to some of you reading that I'd say that - you'd think I might be more upset about my not-quite-ex going out. But really, I'm not. Two years ago, would I have been upset? Absolutely. But now? No. I just want him to be happy and to keep on being a good dad to J.

Let's see, what else is happening in my little corner of the world? Other than the insanity that is work and the occasional power struggle with my child, not much. I'm just trying to make it through the day.

More later, it's back to the grindstone.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Happy 4th!

My neighbors are at it again with the fireworks. Tonight it just sounds like they're taking the big strings of Black Cats and setting them off. I don't mind it for me, but if it wakes J up and he can't/won't go back to sleep, after the round I had getting him to sleep tonight, I'll go out there and kick whoever's responsible.

J started falling asleep sometime between 6 and 7, when we were eating dinner. We sit on the sofa and eat with TV trays (my mother would slap me, I know, but with it being just the two of us, I'm not standing on ceremony - he knows how to eat at a table like a big boy), and at one point he actually lay down on the sofa with a piece of pizza in his hand, took a bite of it, and started falling asleep with pizza in his mouth! LOL So we had bath and bed a little early. It took him 45 minutes to fall asleep - I turned the light out at 8:15, and even though he was so tired he could barely stand, he didn't give out until 9:00. At one point I heard him making strange noises - went in to find him halfway over the side of the bed headfirst, trying to grab something off the floor. At another point he wanted dry underpants, and when he lay down in the floor to change, he wanted to *sleep* in the floor. I scooped him up, put him back in bed, and stayed there and rubbed his back until he was snoring. Sweet baby boy, I do love him so.

And he just made my day this morning. We were just playing and having breakfast, and he came up to me and said, "Mama, you're my best friend." I could have just cried. I know the day will come where he thinks I'm dumb as a box of burnt sand, and he won't want to be seen in public with me, much less admit he ever thought I was his best friend. But that meant more to me to hear him say that than all the money in the world. It's moments like that that really make being a mother worth all the hard work.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we had a little power struggle this evening before dinner. I was in the kitchen fixing dinner. Just as it was ready, I came into the living room to find that J had taken all my bookmarks out of their little box on the end table and strewn them across the floor. !!!! He got all excited seeing that I had a plate of pizza in my hand, and wanted to eat. I told him we didn't throw mama's things in the floor, and as soon as he helped me pick up the bookmarks, we'd eat. I got screaming and tears and "I don't wanna pick them up, you pick them up by yourself!" Oh, no. He was trying his best to get to that pizza, and finally I set it on the one cabinet he can't quite reach yet, and repeated that as soon as the bookmarks were picked up, we'd eat. I told him I didn't make the mess, and I wasn't going to clean it up, that he needed to learn to pick up after himself. He howled and carried on for about five minutes, and then he picked up the bookmarks. And we sat down and ate, and he was just as happy as could be - you'd never know he had that big ol' fit. I was proud of myself - sometimes it's hard to stand firm, especially when you're faced with a thermonuclear meltdown. But I did, and he did what I asked. I need the strength to do this every day - some days are better than others, that's for sure.

OK, I'm going to go take a bubble bath. Everything from the waist down hurts, I guess from my fall on Saturday. I thought it was just my knee I'd whacked out, but it all hurts. I'm one big ache. So I'm off to percolate in hot bubbly water with a good book.

And tomorrow it's back to work....

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Sunday night

It's been a big, busy day! J was back home around 10:00 this morning - he wakes up ready to come back to the big house, I think. LOL One of his little classmates had a birthday party this afternoon, at the McDonald's here in town, so we went to that. J started with his usual new-place-large-crowd routine of "I want to go home." I convinced him to eat some fries, then stay for ice cream and cake, then stay to see his little buddy open presents, and he did. Every present his friend opened, J looked at it and said, "I like that! I want that for my birthday! My birthday's coming up!" He's too much. And as soon as the presents were done and the cake was cleared away, he stood up and said, "Mama, I'm ready to go home now." So we came home. He's getting better about big group settings like that - he still asks to go home, but he doesn't have howling fits as much over it. I'm glad.

He must have been tired - he was asleep by 9:00 tonight, a bit earlier than his usual 9:30 - 10:00. Even the noise from the neighbors' fireworks hasn't disturbed him. And once he got into bed, I don't think I heard a peep from him. I wish every night could be this easy, and I hope I don't pay for the easy bedtime by having him wake up even earlier than usual ("usual" is about 6:30).

No big plans for tomorrow, just hanging out here, playing with J, doing laundry, exciting stuff.

And I thought I'd finally share a pic of myself - tried to add it in my profile, but I got an error message saying the URL was longer than the 68-character limit (and I'd like to know, how do I have any control over *that*?!). So here's my smiling face:

And now I think I'll take my smiling face and go get some sleep, just in case the two-legged alarm clock goes off earlier than usual. Hope everyone has a very happy and safe 4th of July!

Saturday, July 02, 2005

100 things about me

I thought I'd go ahead and post one of these - it may be a work in progress for a while, as it may take some time to think of 100 things about myself that might actually be of interest. But here goes:

1. My parents made up the spelling of my middle name. I've never met anyone else with the same name - names that sound alike, sure, but never the same spelling.
2. I'm adopted.
3. I've found my birth mother.
4. Now I know what I'll look like when I'm in my 50's.
5. I've also found that I have a sister and brother (well, half, but I don't pay much attention to that).
6. My brother was killed in a car accident in 1998, so I never got to meet him in person.
7. But I think he's stopped by my house to visit on several occasions.
8. I had a horse when I was growing up.
9. I was a National Merit Scholar (for what that's worth).
10. I'm a voracious reader.
11. Record for most books read in a weekend: seven.
12. I'd love to have a vegetable garden.
13. I've played the piano since I was 7 years old.
14. The piano currently in my house is the one I've had since I was 7 years old.
15. I've worn glasses (or contacts, for a while) since I was 4.
16. I once cut 10 1/2 inches in length off my hair and donated it to Locks of Love.
17. I will never wear my hair so long again that I would be able to cut 10 1/2 inches off of it.
18. Growing up, I was the only girl I knew that could drive a tractor.
19. My cooking once got me a marriage proposal.
20. I've been reading since I was three years old.
21. I'm an unbelievable pack rat (but I'm trying to get over that).
22. I'd like to learn to play the cello.
23. ...and the harp.
24. ...and the bagpipes.
25. I have a rather substantial teddy bear collection.
26. I no longer collect them, and am trying to weed the collection out.
27. My urge to collect bears disappeared about the time J was born. (I'm sure there's some profound psychological meaning to that.)
28. My bed is so tall (and I'm so short) that I have to have a stepstool to get into it.
29. I've been deer hunting before.
30. ...and actually fired at a deer.
31. ...I was about eight or nine at the time.
32. I think shooting (as in at a range) can be very therapeutic.
33. I want to get my concealed handgun license.
34. I'm licensed to practice law in two states.
35. I hope never to take another bar exam as long as I live.
36. If I could go back to school now and/or completely change careers, I'd go into forensics.
37. I'd be most interested in literary forensics, but anything in the general field would be cool.
38. We saw an autopsy as part of my Law and Medicine class.
39. I was the only girl in the class who didn't get all squeamish about it.
40. If I were getting a dog, I think I'd want a boxer.
41. The first time I got drunk was on my senior cruise after I graduated from high school.
42. I split a bottle of wine with a friend, and was tree-hugging drunk.
43. I said embarrassing things to boys, threw up, and fell down the stairs - and I remember every minute of it.
44. My favorite thing about being mom to a boy: we can be loud and messy and rambunctious.
45. My least favorite thing about being mom to a boy: waiting for the day he needs his first trip to the ER because he fell or jumped off of something.
46. My favorite alcoholic drink: a good margarita or a Shiner Bock.
47. My favorite non-alcoholic drink: the blackberry tea they serve at Chili's or the strawberry lemonade they serve at Pappadeaux.
48. I also think it would be cool to be a chef - the work hours would suck, but it would be a fun job.
49. I'd like to learn how to paint.
50. I'd like to repaint my bedroom and redecorate it.
51. In my dream house, I'd have a concert grand piano.
52. I wish my sister lived closer to me so I could see her and my nieces more often.
53. My mother (adoptive mother, the one who raised me) passed away in 1995.
54. It makes me sad that she never got to hold her grandson.
55. I do think she's stopped by to say hello, though.
56. She'd fuss at me for letting him run in the house.
57. I enjoy cross-stitching, when I have time to do it.
58. I like watching hockey (and I surely hope there's a 2005-06 NHL season).
59. I'd play if I could skate worth crap.
60. I live in the greater Dallas area, but don't really care for the Cowboys.
61. I loved school as a child.
62. I cried if my mother told me I was sick enough that I had to stay home.
63. My favorite expletive is "shit".
64. If I see a number on Caller ID that I don't recognize, I don't answer the phone.
65. I'd like to go to Italy someday.
66. And Greece.
67. And Australia.
68. I go to sleep on my right side but wake up on my back.
69. I can't take short naps - it's got to be at least an hour and a half, or it's not worth it.
70. I was the state Student Council secretary when I was in high school.
71. I tried out for cheerleader one year in high school, just so there wouldn't be only one girl who lost - nine girls, eight spots, and one of the nine was just hopeless.
72. I figured I'd lose, too, so then maybe she wouldn't feel quite so bad.
73. Sure enough, I lost.
74. My handwriting is a combination of cursive and printing.
75. Three things in my purse: lip gloss, a nail file, pictures of J.
76. Three things in my refrigerator: yogurt, soy milk, ketchup.
77. Three things under my bathroom sink: bath powder, TheraFlu, cotton balls.
78. My favorite flowers are irises, roses, stargazer lilies, and alstroemeria.
79. I'd love to have a swimming pool.
80. I was on the swim team for one year in high school.
81. I wasn't the best, but it was fun.
82. I actually *liked* going to college in Waco, Texas.
83. I collect pens.
84. I'm partial to ones that write with different ink - fun colors, metallic ink, sparkly ink.
85. I'm a Gemini.
86. I never colored my hair until after J was born (I was 34 at the time).
87. My sister talked me into it.
88. I've decided I like having red hair (well, auburn, but more red than it was).
89. I like driving an SUV, even though the gas mileage is terrible.
90. I'll probably never drive anything else.
91. If money were no object, I'd buy a Honda Pilot.
92. I normally don't wear makeup.
93. The only time I've ever camped out all night for tickets was when President Reagan came to Baylor while I was a student there.
94. My favorite junk food is Reese's peanut butter cups.
95. I *like* broccoli.
96. I always like to sleep with a blanket, even when it's warm.
97. My very favorite kinds of books to read are mystery/suspense novels.
98. I can't walk very well in high heels.
99. Given a choice, I'd be a night person.
100. As life would have it, I've become a morning person by default.

And I'd better go get some sleep - part of the reason I'm a morning person by default will no doubt be waking his father up at 6:30 AM and exclaiming that he's ready to come back to the big house RIGHT NOW!

Oh, do be quiet

My neighbors apparently can't read a calendar. They started shooting off fireworks around 6:00 tonight, and they're still going. Sporadically, but still going. I'm sure tomorrow night and Monday night will just be a joy. Not that I mind fireworks - I like them. I can sit on my back porch and see several fireworks displays around the area without ever leaving my house, and that's really cool. But when they're going off in my back yard at 1 AM (that's what time they stopped on New Year's, if I remember correctly), well, that's a bit much. Thankfully, J can sleep through just about anything, so at least he shouldn't be awake any later than usual.

I just want to tell them, though, look at the calendar - can you not wait two more days?!

Thoughts on clothes shopping

How could I forget the wonderful adventure of shopping for a new outfit? I only went to one store, because I didn't want to spend my whole free day in the damn mall - I go only when absolutely necessary. So off I went. Found several nice things, some were actually on sale, and I found a gorgeous Ralph Lauren blue silk skirt, sort of a flared shape with buttons up one side. I was willing to shell out $119 for it if it fit, and I don't spend that kind of money on one article of clothing very often.

So, trying on said clothes - to quote Marisa Tomei in my favorite movie, My Cousin Vinny, "Oh my God, what a fuckin' nightmare." Why is it that clothing manufacturers seem to labor under the mistaken impression that women who are a bit larger than average are just one size from the waist down? Every skirt I tried on fit fine in the hips, but the waist in all of them was about three or four inches too big. I could almost take them off without unzipping or unbuttoning them. They're so much too big, I couldn't even take them up and make them look good. So, no new outfit for me. I bought myself bath goodies and candles instead, in a fit of absolute pique with the women's clothing industry.

Damn the clothing manufacturers. Damn my genetic heritage for giving me these big hips. Just damn. Now what will I wear on Wednesday?!

Back from the wars

The mall and Toys R Us on a Saturday afternoon, what was I thinking?! Wars, that's what it felt like. Went to Toys R Us first - J is going to have a dandy birthday, indeed. I got the big thing from the grandparents, the Thomas train table. He's going to flip out over that - he hollers for one every time he sees it (in other places, I'm not crazy enough to take him into Toys R Us, that would just be ugliness). He's also getting some tracks and trains from his grandparents. I also shopped for presents from mama and daddy - Little People (which he loves, anything at all Little People) and My First LeapPad with Wiggles and Thomas books to go in it. Realized as I was leaving that I forgot to buy a playboard to go in the train table (the table is basically just four legs and an open frame, you need the playboard to have a surface to actually play on) - I had to order that online when I got home.

I picked up J's party invitations at Little Gym this morning - we're having his party there. I thought, hmm, prepare for and entertain and clean up after a herd of three-year-olds at my house, or have the party at Little Gym, where all I have to do is show up and bring the boy and cake? I opted for Plan B. Now that I have the invites, I've got to figure out who we're inviting.

And I'm hurting now. I was bringing stuff in out of the car after my shopping excursion, and I set some down right in the washroom as I was coming in, without bringing it all the way in the house. On my next trip in, my foot somehow caught the stuff I'd left close to the door, and I fell hard on my left knee. I'm pretty sure swear words were said on my way down. It HURT! I had to lay there for a minute to make sure nothing was seriously injured, and to figure out if I was hurt enough to call K. I decided I was mostly all right, and when I found I could stand up and walk, I figured I was going to live. I've put ice on it, but my left knee is really puffy and I'm going to have a mother of a bruise by tonight. OW. And J got my clumsy gene - poor baby.

Not sure what I'll do with the rest of my evening. I think I'll have a bubble bath and read my book. I'm reading Angry Housewives Eating Bonbons for my book club. It's a total chick book, but I'm really enjoying it. I like the characters, and I want to see what happens next. So, bubbles, a book, and a nice glass of wine - I think that sounds lovely.

Just a quick note

I did end up going to Little Gym with J and K this morning - being as how it was K's first time going, I didn't mind. J was throwing a fit wanting to go to Target when I got there to meet them, but once we got inside, he was fine. He ran and jumped and actually participated a bit more in class this week. See, I knew he'd have fun if he'd give it a chance. :)

I'm off to run errands now - I'm going to Toys R Us to get J's big present from the grandparents. I'll probably go ahead and buy his toys from mama and daddy while I'm there - K and I can go halfsies on them, and he can just pay me back later. And I'm going to try to find something nice to wear for my lunch interview Wednesday.

So, I'd better get to it, so I can get back in time to have some of the day left for myself! :)

Friday, July 01, 2005

Contributing to the cause of education

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Go! Take the survey! What are you waiting for, Christmas?

Home alone

J is with his dad, and the house is quiet. There are oh, so many projects I could work on, so many things to clean out and throw away and organize, but I just don't want to do that right now. I think I'm still getting used to the idea of unfettered time to myself, time where there are *no* demands on me, that I'm not quite ready to use my free time for anything that seems like work.

The house is awfully quiet, though. I know J is fine with his dad, I know they'll have a good time, and I know I need the break once in a while. But still...veeeeery quiet.

Would it be really wrong to just eat brownies for supper?

Didn't see this coming

Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has resigned from the Supreme Court. I'd figured if anyone would step down, it would be Rehnquist. So now George W. gets a shot at an appointment to the high court. This should be interesting.

Here's a link to possible nominations. Whoever is nominated, I expect the confirmation process will be a real dogfight.

I've seen Priscilla Owen mentioned, too, as a possible candidate. If she is nominated, I'd sure be interested to see how that plays out, being as she's from Texas and a fellow Baylor grad.

Let the games begin....

Already gone

I get to leave work in just over two hours. My brain has already taken off for the day, and I am SO not interested in working. I hope I don't have to deal with anything more strenuous than remembering to log off the phones when I leave.

Wonder how many more things I can add to my "100 things about me" list in the next two hours?


I just posted a little while ago, and it's not showing up anywhere. So I thought I'd toss this out there as a test.

Off and running

I totally overslept this morning - woke up at 6:42 when I heard J playing in his room. I didn't hear my alarm at all, I have no conscious memory of turning it off. I'm thinking I need more sleep!

We got out the door fast enough, I managed to keep the TV off and get J dressed in fairly short order (although he insisted it wasn't time for school! LOL). I was glad I'd packed his things for the weekend with K last night - no way would I have had time to do it this morning. Daycare drop-off was rough again - J was fine up until we got to where he'd go to watch TV before class, and then he started hanging on to me and asking me to pick him up. He screamed when I left, again. I'm not crying over it anymore, I'm just resigned to it. I kiss him and go, that's all I can do - me staying longer won't make it any better. What happened to my little boy who'd run off happily with barely a backward glance? I miss that. I hope this clingy spell ends soon. I can't figure out what starts the clinginess up any more than I can figure out what makes it stop. Don't kids get past separation anxiety at some point?

I was late to work - oops. I had to stop and put gas in the car, and of course I had to fortify myself with a peppermint mocha. Work leaped up and required my attention as soon as I got here, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Hopefully the time until we get to leave at 3:00 will pass quickly.

My July horoscope sounds pretty promising! Sounds like good things are in store financially and on the career front, and all I have to say is, it's about damn time. The horoscope makes for interesting reading, especially given the timing of upcoming events on my calendar. We'll see what develops. More money would certainly be welcome right now - maybe then I could actually start saving instead of spending all the time.

I'm really looking forward to time to myself this weekend. Sure, it would be nice, on "my" weekend, if I had plans to go out - it's always easier to make plans on the weekends I'm by myself. But I'm kind of glad I don't have any dates on the agenda. I need some time to be by myself, to be quiet, to recharge. I don't get nearly enough of that. So this weekend, I may read a book. I may take a bubble bath. I may make a batch of candles. I may just sit on my sofa and listen to the silence. I don't think I'll even turn the TV on. The more I think about it, the more I'm really, *really* looking forward to this time by myself.

I'd better get back to work - much to do in the next five hours!