Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Astrological minutiae

I keep coming up with reasons why I want to remember where different things are in my astrological chart. I don't base major decisions on astrology, but I do think it's interesting (and a lot of the things about me are pretty accurate). So here, for future reference, from Astrolabe:

Rising Sign is in 08 Degrees Libra
Very attractive and popular, your charm helps you to get your own way and prevents others from getting angry with you. "Peace and harmony at all costs" is your battle cry. You always try to ameliorate or to cosmetically hide any physical ugliness or any angry feelings between people. Flashy, but not gaudy, you prefer to dress elegantly. You generally have good taste in music, art and literature. Beware of the tendency to compromise yourself in your attempt to be agreeable at all times. A bit of a social butterfly, at times you can be vain and lazy. For the most part, however, you are gracious and affectionate, and your refined and aristocratic demeanor serves as a role model to others.

Sun is in 18 Degrees Gemini.
You have a quick, bright and agile mind, but an extremely short attention span. You love the external, kaleidoscopic aspects of life, but you tend to avoid (and even fear) deep, close emotional involvements. As such, you seem to enjoy travel and sightseeing and generally being "on-the-go." You get quite listless when things around you become static and dull, but your excitement returns whenever you are stimulated by a new idea. Chatty, inquisitive and quite playful, you enjoy practical jokes and games in general. Your moods change quickly and often -- you are very restless and constantly in motion. You are known for your versatility and adaptability. Your vivaciousness enlivens any social gathering.

Moon is in 19 Degrees Scorpio.
Your feelings are very intense, never superficial. You tend to be either very angry or very sad or completely and totally happy. Your moods are deep, extreme and not always completely understood by yourself or by those with whom you have to deal. Emotionally, you tend to prefer to live at the cutting edge of life, pushing your reactions to the ultimate extremes, even if the results are dangerous or upsetting. You are easily jealous and very suspicious -- you require a great deal of emotional reassurance. A good detective, you are very curious about deep and mysterious things, especially human nature and motivations. Be careful not to be ruthless, tactless or too overly frank or you will meet with much resistance from others.

Mercury is in 01 Degrees Cancer.
Your emotions tend to rule your thought processes. You have difficulty seeing life objectively. You have an excellent memory, especially about things to which you have formed an emotional bond. You prefer ideas and thoughts that are known and familiar, and therefore tend to dislike fads or radical ideas. The beliefs and traditions of your family and culture are very important to you. Your thinking becomes quite unclear when you are emotionally shaken -- try not to make major decisions when you are upset. Let things calm down first.

Venus is in 14 Degrees Gemini.
You are friendly, warm, open and tolerant toward others. You love variety in relationships, indeed you may even prefer to maintain more than one relationship at a time! Very witty and humorous, you have the ability to amuse and please others. This makes you quite popular. You love to play the field and thus find it difficult to settle down and make any deep emotional commitments. Your innate charm and vivacity makes you welcome most everywhere you go.

Mars is in 21 Degrees Gemini.
Your energies get turned on quickly whenever anything interests you. But you have a very short attention span and it is difficult for you to complete tasks because something else more interesting always seems to be beckoning. You love to debate and argue, usually in a spirit of friendly disagreement. But watch out that you do not get too overly aggressive or antagonistic or others will be quick to take offense where none may have really been intended. You need to be in constant physical motion -- sports or daily exercise is a must for you if you are to feel fit and healthy.

Jupiter is in 29 Degrees Leo.
You must be proud of all that you do in order to grow and develop. You enjoy being totally honest and aboveboard and you revel in the admiration and respect you receive from others due to your high- minded, upright way of life. Make sure, though, that your natural tendency to boast and show off is based on your actual accomplishments. Don't fall prey to self-exaggeration or arrogance. You truly do like outrageous spectacles and grand jolly times and will go out of your way to make them a reality.

Saturn is in 22 Degrees Aries.
You are aloof, independent and standoffish. This is mainly due to your fear that others might inhibit or restrict you and, quite frankly, you feel that you can govern your life by your own standards. Be careful not to associate with those who are overly critical of you or you will withdraw so deeply into your shell that you will become very lonely. You have the ability to stand on your own two feet and to make up your own mind -- albeit very carefully and cautiously. But you are known for your circumspection and therefore are respected and admired.

Uranus is in 25 Degrees Virgo.
You, and all your peers, will be known for the degree of intensity with which you dislike normal everyday routines and chores. You will go out of your way to invent innovative, unique and timesaving ways to perform the various mundane routines and duties of living. You will be attracted to all manner of practical and useful gadgets -- anything that will make your daily life more exciting.

Neptune is in 24 Degrees Scorpio.
You, and your entire generation, are extremely interested in anything deep and mysterious. You will explore and idealize the benefits that can accrue from the study of the occult, healing and psychology. You are willing to experiment with substances like drugs in order to push your understanding of your inner being to the extreme.

Pluto is in 20 Degrees Virgo.
For your entire generation, this will be a time when profound changes in society's attitude toward work, duty and responsibility will be initiated. Radical changes in attitudes toward personal health and general nutrition will be promulgated and gain wide acceptance and practice.

N. Node is in 16 Degrees Aries.
You're at your most comfortable when involved in group activities outside of your immediate family circle. You delight in getting involved with others in neighborhood civic or political activities, especially if you can be a part of the leadership of the group. Your zeal and overabundant energy bring out your real creativity when you can work toward tangible results -- things that will immediately benefit those around you. You have a real gift for getting the most out of charity drives and community benefits. Take time out between projects though, because you tire out easily and your effectiveness becomes greatly diminished when your energy is depleted. Also, don't even think of trying to get involved at a peripheral level -- you need a total commitment to feel personally fulfilled. Let others bake the cookies and set up the chairs -- you should be the one to tell everyone what to do and when to do it!

I don't agree with all of it, but it's interesting all the same.


Margaritas at work - goooooood. :-) One of my co-workers suggested we just have one set up permanently in the break room. Sounds good to me!

A song keeps running through my head:

It won't do
To dream of caramel
To think of cinnamon
And long for you.
--Suzanne Vega, Caramel

I listened to it in the car yesterday, and now I can't get it out of my head. Oh well, at least it's a song I like.

Speaking of music, at our little moving party, someone had put on a J. Lo album. I've never been a J. Lo fan, but I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. I might buy it at CD Warehouse if I see it sometime - not bad.

Today's online fortune cookie

"Fortune cookie says: Put up with small annoyances to gain great results."

HA!!!!! I'm rolling on the floor laughing at that one.

Well, shit.

It figures that I would spill coffee on my dry-clean-only sweater on the night I'm going out to dinner with a friend of mine from out of town! Shit. At least it's a dark color and the spill doesn't really show up. But I'll have to get it cleaned soon, being as I discovered this morning that this is one of TWO sweaters I own that fit, and it's now officially freakin' cold. I've got to expand my wardrobe, or I won't make it through the winter.

Thoughts on a Tuesday morning

A comment by Mo's Girl got me to thinking a bit. As I've said before, right now I have no sex life, and recently even the electric boyfriend hasn't been consistently reliable. Some people might think, hmm, want sex, got no sex, perhaps it's time to look for a boink buddy. But I'm not interested in that, I don't think. I know myself well enough to know that I can't do truly casual sex. I have to feel like, on some level, the other person wants *me*, and not just any old warm and willing body. So for now, I'll steer clear of looking for anyone just for a fling. It would just leave me feeling bad about myself, and that's not something I need right now.

Other thoughts: It's gray. It's cold (yeah, I know, those of you in really cold places are laughing at me whining because it's going to get below freezing tonight). I'm tired. I have no will to work, but much work to do. Can you be burned out at a job after only six months?

We're having a little party at work this afternoon - a celebration of our impending move. We're actually having margaritas on the company nickel, which is pretty cool. But that's coming up at 3:00, which decreases the time I have left to get anything accomplished in. Why do I feel like this is going to be just another day shot to hell?

Monday, November 29, 2004


All I wanted was a relatively peaceful day. Alas, it's not to be. Things have gone to crap in a hurry, and I have at least two things I have to deal with by the end of the day. This job makes me want to go bang my head against the nearest wall some days.

Today's online fortune

Courtesy of Online Fortune Cookie:

"You are careful and systematic."

What the hell kind of fortune is THAT?! Yeah, it describes me pretty accurately, but that's no fortune, that's a personality analysis. Not much fun to be had in that.

I tried again, and I like my second one better:

"Financial hardship in your life is coming to an end. Enjoy!"

Well, it's about damn time.

Oh, on the note of financial hardship - over the weekend I got my copy of the Year to Date 2005 for Gemini by Susan Miller. It made for a pretty interesting read! When I have time, and probably when I'm not at work (where it might look a little suspicious if I'm perusing a book that isn't work-related), I'll share some of the more thought-provoking tidbits. In short, 2005 should be a darned good year for me. There again, it's about damn time. God knows the last few have pretty well sucked rocks (well, with the exception of the bits relating to Super J, that is - he's fabulous!).

A terrific little time-waster!

OKcupid.com has some mighty entertaining tests! I've been taking a couple here and there, just for grins. Here are some of the results:

The Slut Test - I'm 39% slut.
The 100 Point Sexual Purity Test - I'm 84% pure - uncorrupted. (How can I be 84% pure but 39% slut? Is that the new math?)
The What kind of sex freak are you? Test - I'm amateur porn (a few years ago, I'm sure I'd have been "I'm so uptight, I squeak when I walk"! LOL)!
The Southerner Test - I'm GRITS - not sure what the acronym stands for, but I'm pretty much dyed-in-the-wool Southerner. Big surprise, since this is where I've lived all my life!

It's almost time for my afternoon phone servitude. Once that's done, I'm going to get some coffee before I freeze plumb to death. It must be getting colder outside - either that, or the A/C here works better in winter than it does in summer.

My new favorites

Made a run to the liquor store over the weekend, and I now have two things to add to my favorite booze list: Guinness Extra Stout and Sylk Cream Liqueur. YUMMMMM-MY!!!! They were giving out samples of the Sylk, so I tried before I bought. It's so good, it will make you want to slap your mama. I could drink it straight out of the bottle with a straw. The bottle says it's made of cream, heather honey and malt whisky. I don't care what's in it, it tastes damn good, and it sure makes eggnog a better-than-usual seasonal treat! :-)

I'm freezing to death in the Arctic Circle more commonly known as my workplace, so I think I'll go fortify myself with lunch. I didn't get my peppermint mocha on Friday (damn Starbucks was closed, who do they think they are, taking off the Friday after Thanksgiving? LOL), so I will definitely get one this afternoon. I'll need it to keep my fingers from freezing to my keyboard. Seriously, what kind of insanity is it to have the air conditioner on when it's almost December?! I know we're in Texas, but it doesn't stay THAT hot here. Sheesh.

Monday, Monday, all day long

The day started off all right - daycare drop-off was grumpy but not hideous, it was rainy/drippy but traffic didn't completely suck. Then I realized I'd forgotten my purse at home, and the insurance card I needed for my doctor's appointment this afternoon was in said purse. *SIGH* I called the doctor's office, they had to have a card. Called my regular doctor to see if they could fax a copy of their copy of my card. No, their copy was crap. Called the new doctor back - sorry, you'll have to reschedule. So my appointment has now been moved to January 24, 2005, when I'll have new insurance and will (hopefully) remember to bring my card. I've got accounts going haywire, a pile of work the size of Montana, and no will to work. And it's not even noon yet....

Thanksgiving was fun. Hooray for grandparents - they brought trucks for J, restocked the fridge, and left us with enough leftovers to play clean-out-the-fridge/freezer surprise until the next big food fest at Christmas! :-) J napped some days, didn't nap others, and generally ran around like a little dervish. He was fascinated yet repelled by the dachshund that came to visit - he'd reach out to pet her but pull away at the last minute, and when she licked his face once, he just went bonkers. Not scared, just not 100% sure he wanted much to do with her. He was awfully entertained by her, just laughed and laughed when he saw her, but didn't care to get too close.

And now I'm back at work, totally overloaded and thoroughly unmotivated to address the big pile o' crap on my desk. I need to finish packing for the office move - guess I'll stash my personal things in my car until I come up on Saturday to set up my new space.

I'll write more later - my brain feels too much like mush to really think much at the moment.

Friday, November 26, 2004


Made the phone call, got one thing off my to-do list here at work, and am still leaving, if not early, at least on time. For once, in one tiny way, good triumphs. :-)

Oh, help...

I knew I shouldn't have made this phone call....

No wonder it's cold.

I just found out that the incredibly bright people in charge of such things have the AIR on in our building. Never mind that the weather has been cooler for about a week now. Nope, we've got the A/C running. It probably *is* warmer outside than it is inside.

I should make a phone call. It's one I need to return. I'm just afraid I'll end up on the phone for 45 minutes as punishment for not attending to it earlier in the day. So, call and risk staying late on the one day I really should get to leave on time (if not early), or put it off until Monday and feel guilty about it all weekend? Ah, hell, I guess I should just call back and get it over with.

How long....

until this work day is over?!?!

While I'm sitting here contemplating how little work I can do without actually falling asleep, I thought I'd write a bit. It's so cold up here, if I write, maybe I'll manage to stay awake.

This moment's topic: Dreams. I used to have dreams about my car being stolen, back before I traded in the Accord for the Jimmy. Sometimes I'd get stolen along with my car, sometimes I'd be hiding a safe distance away, and once (when I dreamed that K's car got stolen when I'd driven it instead of mine), I was in a building and didn't know the car was gone until I came out. In all of them except the one about K's car, I never could scream, never could defend myself, never could do anything to change things or stop them. Funny, after I traded in the Accord, those dreams stopped.

I've only had one car dream about the Jimmy - no, wait, make that two. In one, I was driving with someone else (not sure, but I have the impression it was my mother), and I suddenly lost control of the car. The car went into a spin and went onto a large, open, grassy area on the side of the road. I distinctly remember the grass being that combination of brown and green you get toward the end of summer/beginning of what passes for fall here. I also remember thinking, "Steer into the skid," and I did, and the car righted itself and I drove back onto the road. Whoever was with me (my mother?) told me what a good job I'd done getting things straightened out, and that things would be OK.

And the other car dream: I was going into a parking garage, and there were cars behind me. I found the car sliding backward, I couldn't get it out of reverse, and the brakes didn't work. People behind me were really pissed that they had to get out of the way. That's all I remember about that one.

The other big category of dreams I tend to have: school dreams. I'm back in college (or worse, high school), and it's time for finals when I realize I misplaced my schedule some time back and haven't been to any classes all semester. I know nothing, yet somehow I'm supposed to take and pass final exams. I'm understandably panicked, and I usually wake up feeling a bit frantic.

Strangely enough, I usually don't dream about people I know. Most of the people in my dreams are either just random people, or a type (i.e., a high school friend, but not any specific friend I had in high school). Every once in a while someone I actually know will be in my dreams. Like last night - I dreamed about R. I was going to lunch with a big group of co-workers, and for some reason he was there, too. Random.

OK, it's got to be colder here in my office than it is outside. I'm FREEZING. I think I'll go downstairs and see if Starbucks is open - I don't have much $ at the moment, but if I don't get something warm to drink, I'll turn into a block of ice. I think preventing frostbite or death from hypothermia is worth $5, don't you?

The Priss.

I took the OKCupid test at okcupid.com - my results? Take a look:

The Priss
Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDf)

Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss.

Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You're highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You'd take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You're completely unfake. Don't tell me that's not a word. You're also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.

These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.

You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you're pregnant. LOL. Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction. You're choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you're really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing.

Yep, I think that pretty much describes me to a T. Although I'd love to know where all these people falling for me are hiding out - they certainly aren't advertising the fact! LOLOL

Fun with blogging...

I found this in another blog, and thought I'd pilfer it and put it in my own. More useless information about me than anyone probably wanted to know! :-) (Can you tell I'm trying really hard not to do any actual work today?!)

First job: First thing I got paid to do - babysitting. First "actual" job - camp counselor.
First screen name: I still use it, so I'm not sharing it.
First self-purchased CD: Sting, "Nothing Like the Sun", and the "Say Anything" soundtrack (bought in 1989, when I moved into my first apartment and bought my first real stereo!)
First piercing/tattoo: Ears at 11 years old
First true love: If by "true" love you mean the one that lasts for always, I'm not sure I've found it yet.
First enemy: I don't really think I have any enemies.

Last big car ride: Labor Day, trip home to Louisiana to see family
Last kiss: My son, at bedtime last night (he was still asleep when I left this morning - gotta love grandparents coming to visit!)
Last library book checked out: A whole boatload, probably about 10 or 12 books - too many to name!
Last movie seen: Duh, what's a movie? Seriously, I can't remember the last movie I saw in the theater. I saw Intermission when it was out - have I seen one since then??? I can't remember crap these days. Last thing I watched on DVD - episodes from the first season of "The Shield"
Last beverage drank: A cappucino (from a mix) on my way to work this morning
Last food consumed: A chocolate chip cookie from Paradise Bakery
Last phone call: My stepmom
Last CD played: Bon Jovi, Bounce
Last annoyance: Getting the car seat out of my car this morning to leave at home for the grandparents.
Last pop drank: Diet Coke, last night
Last ice cream eaten: Chocolate peanut butter, several weeks ago
Last time scolded: Hmm, it's been a while.
Last shirt worn: Black 3/4 sleeve v-neck (that's what I'm wearing at work today)

I am: generally a happy person.
I want: not to have to stress over money so much.
I have: the coolest little boy ever born! :-)
I wish: I wasn't at work right now.
I hate: roaches, June bugs and crickets.
I fear: tornadoes.
I hear: music in my head most all the time - my life has its own soundtrack!
I search: for who I'm meant to be.
I regret: not thinking more carefully about my choices throughout my life - sometimes I think I just kind of blundered through it and took whatever choice seemed easiest at the time.
I love: the feel of clean sheets.
I always: try to do the right thing.
I am not: a shrinking violet.
I dance: whenever I get the chance.
I sing: in the car, until my son asks me to stop.
I cry: not as much as I used to.

YES or NO:
You keep a diary: Yes, online and written
You like to cook: when I've got time - I am a kitchen goddess!
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: Not shared with *anyone*, I don't think so. I think all of my secrets are known by at least one other person. Not that there are many!

DO YOU...?
Have a crush: No
Want to get married: Right now I'm contemplating ending a marriage - I don't think I'll be looking to jump back into one anytime soon, barring some really strange twist in my life.
Get motion sickness: No
You're a health freak: Not even
Current hair color: Dark auburn
Eye color: Hazel
Birthplace: Shreveport, LA

Number: 8
Color: For decorating, hunter green, navy and burgundy (although I'm contemplating redoing my bedroom in purple); for wearing, black
Day: Saturday
Month: June
Songs: It changes regularly - currently (don't laugh) Ace of Base, "Waiting for Magic"; most anything by Evanescence; Blondie, "Atomic" (a 12-inch remix); Diana Krall, "Love Me Like A Man"
Season: Summer
Drink: Non-alcoholic, a peppermint mocha from Starbucks; alcoholic, a good frozen margarita
Alcohol: A toss-up between tequila, sugarcane rum and chocolate cream liqueur

Cuddle or make out: Depends on my mood
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate: Hot chocolate
Milk, dark, or white chocolate: Dark - the darker the better!
Vanilla or chocolate: Chocolate - what kind of question is that?!

Cried? Yes
Helped someone? Yes
Bought something? No
Gotten sick? No
Gone to the movies? No
Said 'I love you'?: Yes
Written a real letter: No
Talked to an ex?: Depends on what you consider an ex
Missed an ex?: No
Written in a journal?: Yes
Had a serious talk?: No
Missed someone? Yes
Hugged someone? Yes

Friday in the office.

Well, here I am at work. Looks like about half of my co-workers have the day off. Lucky bastards. At least traffic was incredibly good, and since J is home with grandparents and I didn't have to make the daycare drop-off, I got here really early! So maybe I can leave a few minutes earlier than usual. And hopefully traffic will be as good going home as it was coming in.

I know I should take advantage of the quiet (it's quiet now, and I'm hoping it stays that way) to catch up, to really buckle down and get a lot done, but I'm having a hard time finding the motivation. Maybe I'll pack stuff for the move - that way I'll be accomplishing something, but it won't be work that requires a lot of deep thought.

And I was thinking of one other thing I'm thankful for: K! That may sound funny, given all the goings-on with our marriage, the emotional stress, etc. But I am thankful for him. I think our marriage was good for about 8 of the almost 10 years (or maybe neither of us had sense enough to realize it wasn't - at any rate, we were content/happy to be married to each other), we have a beautiful son, and even if we aren't good spouses for each other, at least we're good friends. I know so many people (including my sister and my college roommate) whose marital break-ups were nasty in the extreme and have left a trail of scorched earth behind. I don't think K and I will end up that way - at this point, I don't think there' s anything that either of us could do that would make the other hate us. And that's good. This whole thing needs to be as easy on J as possible, and I think K and I can work to keep J's best interests at heart. So I'm thankful for that. :-)

Gee, I'm missing out on post-Thanksgiving shopping today. Darn the luck. The parking lots of Target and Circuit City were packed when I drove by about 7:00 this morning, and I heard on the radio that some people had been lined up outside a local mall since about 3:00 this morning. I'm sorry, but there is NO deal in the world that's worth me standing outside a mall in the dark and cold for hours waiting to be first to get in. That's just bonkers.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Happy Turkey Day!

Family got here before lunch, and this afternoon, everyone got a nap but me and J. Yep, that's right, the boy didn't nap - looks like he's getting to where he won't nap at home anymore. *SIGH* He was wiped out by 6:00, but didn't give it up until a little after 8. Still, that's early for him. I just hope he's not up at the butt crack of dawn tomorrow!

And I have to go to work tomorrow. The more I think about that, the more cheesed I am. This is the first job I've ever had where I've had to work the day after Thanksgiving, and I DON'T LIKE IT. Pout, pout, whine, whine. I just hope all the people who usually call are busy with their own festivities and don't take the time to bother me. :-) I can't fart around too much, though - I need to finish packing for the move next week and if it's quiet, hopefully I can take time to catch up on some things. Who am I kidding, I'm so far behind I'll never catch up.

I know I do a lot of whining in here, but in the spirit of the day, I thought I'd take a minute and think of things I am thankful for. So here goes:

*I'm thankful to have a job. Yes, it makes me crazy; yes, the salary isn't what I'd hope for ideally; yes, there are downsides to it. But I have wonderful co-workers, and in this day and age, I'm thankful just to have a job - plenty of people don't.

*I'm thankful for J. He is my little sunshine and the love of my life, and I can't imagine life without him. Being a mother is the biggest challenge I've ever faced, but it also offers the biggest rewards. Nothing compares to hearing him say, "MY ma-ma-ma-ma-ma!" and seeing him come running with arms outstretched for a hug. :-)

*I'm thankful for a roof over my head, clothes to wear, and food to eat. My house is nothing fancy, but it's comfortable and warm. My wardrobe may annoy me because my clothes don't fit quite right (they're mostly too big - I know, what a problem to have! LOL) and they aren't particularly fashionable, but I have something to wear every day (as does J - he's got a dresser full of clothes, thanks to grandparents!). And I may eat "clean-out-the-freezer" surprise more than I'd care to, but it's food, it's readily available, and I don't go to bed or wake up hungry.

*I'm thankful for family. After my mother died, my dad and I barely knew how to talk to each other. Gradually we're learning how to really talk, one adult to another, and that's a blessing. My stepmom is wonderful - she and I can really talk, because I know my dad and his quirks and foibles, and she knows she can tell me what's really on her mind and I'll understand without getting upset and listen without judging. And K's parents are great, too - I've always loved them, and that hasn't changed. I've also got a wonderful birth mom and half sister (although she's just "sis" in my book) and two cool nieces that I adore. That's a LOT to be thankful for!

*And I'm thankful that the money from my dependent care reimbursement account FINALLY posted to my checking account!!!! Not sure how much of it I have left, after all the damn overdraft charges on top of charges. But at least I'm back on the plus side, and payday is Tuesday. So that's a relief. Another pay period of really skimping and scraping, but I'm planning to still be in the black come the 15th (the next time I get paid after Tuesday).

On that happy note, I think I'll call it a night and go to bed a little early. Hope everyone had a great day today!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

La, la, la la la la...

That's the Smurf song, for those of you old enough to remember the cartoon featuring those little blue people. :-) 20 minutes until the end of my work day, my brain has officially shut down (I made a phone call today, that counts as working, right? LOL), and that's what's running through my head.

Family will be in for turkey day, so that should be fun - J will enjoy being spoiled by the grandparents, I'm sure. There'll no doubt be food and football and a fun time had by all, and then I'll come back to work on Friday. I think this is the first job I've ever had where I haven't had the day after Thanksgiving off. I guess that's our trade-off for getting those important holidays like Columbus Day off - only one day apiece for the two biggest holidays in American culture. Oh well, that's why I make the big bucks, right? Oh wait, I don't....

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!!! :-)

And the fun continues.

Is it too much to ask to have some microwave popcorn? I forgot to bring my lunch this morning. No biggie, I've got a big ol' box of popcorn in my desk, courtesy of a co-worker's kid's fundraiser. Tried to fix one bag around mid-morning - it burned. Darn the luck, but these things happen - I'll just pay closer attention next time. A few minutes ago, I thought I'd try again. I listened carefully, stopped the microwave sooner, listened to see when the popping sounds slowed down - and STILL it burned! Grrrrrrrrr. I know it's a little thing in the grand scheme of things, but this is just a metaphor for my year. It's always *something*.

Can I just kick something?!

It's that damned dependent care reimbursement again. I was told yesterday that my request had processed Monday and would be in my account today. But is it there? No. So I called. The woman I got was most understanding at my distress, and she assured me it was in fact processed on Monday, and should be there - within 2 to 3 days. So it might not be there until tomorrow. Or with the holiday, until Friday. Maybe it will show up after noon today. She couldn't tell me why it wasn't there. Meanwhile, my checking account sits in overdraft and no doubt incurs fees on top of fees. Fuck. Happy Thanksgiving, huh?! My old job may have had its faults, but the dependent care reimbursement there was *never* this much of a pain in the ass to deal with.

Can 2004 just be over already, so I can start fresh in 2005?!?!?!?

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

And the icing on the cake...

Didn't write about this earlier, but given the vein of my last few posts of absolute whining self-pity and general bitchiness, I thought I'd toss it out there.

I can relate to The Good Husband's mood in this post. My actual, real life sex life has been dormant for a while now, but there was always the electric boyfriend. Some days it worked, some days it didn't, but generally the little guy was pretty reliable. Well, for the last two weeks or so, I've gotten nothing out of the deal but a nice tingly feeling (and that's fun and all, but not exactly what I was hoping for). So now I don't even have that. Feh. That's OK, I'll just go back to sex camel status (this was sort of a running joke, that I was a sex camel and could go ages without it - I don't think I'm quite that bad now, but being as how I don't have anything/anyone to get worked up about, I'll be all right in my time of drought. LOL).

And kudos to anyone who actually takes the time to read my blog - sure, it does me good to vent, but most days I just don't feel like my life is that interesting. LOL

And one more thing....

2004 has pretty much sucked rocks. Sure, there have been some good moments, but it's been one long growth and character-building experience, and I'm about tired of it. Money is a constant battle that never seems to get any better, no matter what I try. K and I separated, and there's been all the emotional upheaval surrounding that. I left a not-terrible job (albeit one with no room for advancement to speak of) for one that pays less, causes me insane amounts of stress and makes me feel stupid and incompetent on an hourly basis. Any surprise I get is a rotten one - one of my co-workers is surprising his wife with tickets to Cirque du Soleil, and after he told me that, I thought, "geez, I can't remember the last time I got a *happy* surprise." The light at the end of the tunnel always turns out to be an oncoming train after all. If 2005 is half as good as 2004 has been crappy, I should have a hell of a good year coming my way. Bring it on - I'm tired of 2004.

Can you tell I'm really in a mood this afternoon?!?!


That's what my job makes me say. I am so overwhelmed, I don't even know where to start. I try to focus on one thing, but the 30 other things clamoring for my attention keep crowding in around the edges. If I were prone to hyperventilating, I'd have already done that. I can't pin down the ever-growing pile of work, and I'm finding it very difficult to take one little bite of the apple at a time. There's so much to do, I can't figure out how to think about only one thing until I get it finished.

Starting in 2005, we can all apply for one personal work day each quarter. What that means is that we can come in to work and essentially not be here as far as taking phone calls, going to meetings, etc. - we can come in and work that day and just catch up. We have to log in all the work we do, to show that we spent the time actually working and not goofing off. How bad is it when your work has to give you a "day off" in the office to try to get all your work done?!?! And this is supposed to take the place of our quarterly 2 hours off that we got this year. OK, that makes sense - let's take away the carrot/treat of 2 hours off without having to use leave time, and replace it with the stick/punishment of being given a regular work day without regular work day responsibilities, ostensibly to "catch up" on work, only to get behind on that day's work and still be playing catch-up the next day? I don't get it, but maybe I'm missing something.

At least it looks like the sun is coming out, and we get to leave at 3:00 tomorrow. I suppose I'll take the silver linings where I can find them.

Well, shit.

I am just fucking irritated with the dependent care reimbursement people. That claim that I tried for three weeks to submit, with them never calling and telling me I had a problem with what I'd submitted, was processed yesterday. It will be deposited in my account tomorrow. Unfortunately, my math skills must be off, because my checking account is now overdrawn by $35.00. DAMMIT, DAMMIT, SHIT. I am so tired of all this financial crap. Why can't I just have a job that pays me enough to take care of my son, enough to pay my bills on time without juggling and figuring and worrying about it, enough to where I'm not scraping by paycheck to paycheck? I went to law school for THIS?! I don't think so. But geez, if they'd called me the first time I sent the damn paperwork in and said, hey, there's a problem, the money would already be in my account. Fuckety fuckety fuck fuck. I'll have $440 in there tomorrow, hopefully all the damn fees from this little $35 overdraft won't eat up all of the $440.

More thoughts and other things

In reading through my old journals, it became abundantly clear to me, at least in hindsight, that my parents didn't care for K. I know he and my dad don't get along now, and I'd be afraid to leave them alone in a room for more than about 15 seconds - Lord only knows how that conversation would go, and it would probably end with someone bursting into flame. And that makes me sad. That's one thing that really struck me about my old journals, the feeling that my parents couldn't be excited with me about my engagement, couldn't share the happiness I was feeling then, at what was undoubtedly the most exciting time of my life. Is it too much for a girl to hope that her significant other and her parents would get along, or even - gasp! - like each other? *SIGH* Wonder if I'll ever have that experience?

And now for something completely different. When I was rooting around for my passport this morning, I also found a book of the poetry I'd written in high school and college, circa 1982-1989. One word: EWWWWWWWWW. That was just about the sappiest mess of drivel ever to grace a page, and it almost set my teeth on edge to read it. There's a walk down memory lane I could have done without! LOL

J took a 2-hour nap at daycare yesterday, like he usually does, and last night bedtime was hell. I put him to bed around 8:30, per the usual routine. And then he proceeded to try everything imaginable to get out of bed for the next hour and a half or so. AACK. He wanted trucks, wanted milk, didn't want trucks, had a poo (no, he didn't, I checked - several times), wanted blankies, didn't want blankies, wanted to go poo on the potty (no, he didn't - he wanted to use the potty as a ramp on which to drive his trucks), wanted to rock. AACK. I'll let him fuss for a bit, but based on past experience, there's no point in trying to let him cry it out. He doesn't settle after a few minutes - the volume just keeps getting louder and louder, and I reckon it's easier to talk to him, tell him why he can't have the 40 different things he's asking for, than to listen to him scream for 45 minutes. And finally he gave it up and went to sleep. After last night, I'm starting to think that it's *almost* easier to have him skip the nap (I know, careful what I wish for, I might get it!).

So maybe Mama had a point....

I was digging through some old stuff this morning, looking for my passport (I needed it for verification of employment status for work), and I found two of my old journals from 1992-1993, just about the time I graduated from law school and met K. Interesting reading. My mother may have known a lot more than I gave her credit for....

On 9/15/93 I wrote that she'd told me I was going to break K's heart, and that every time I mentioned him, she said, "It's not that serious, is it?" on 9/19/93 I wrote that she'd told me, when I asked her what the reaction would be if K and I got engaged, that I needed to marry (to quote her) "a manly man." She did qualify it by saying she didn't know K well enough to really form an opinion, though. And I can't find it now, but there was one entry I read over earlier where I'd mentioned something about Christmas and my mother had responded (theoretically jokingly, but in retrospect I'm not so sure there wasn't some serious intent behind it), "Oh, we'll run him off by Christmas." My entries are full of scribble about how my parents didn't think K was right for me, didn't think I knew what I was doing, thought we were far too serious, and so on and so forth.

It's really funny. As I read my old journals, even though I was 25 at the time I was writing, in so many ways I *do* sound like a goofy teenager. K was my first real, serious interest (I had a couple of boyfriends through all of high school and college and law school, and that was it), and at one point my mother told me, basically, that I hadn't had enough boyfriends to have any basis for comparison, and that I liked the attention I got from K more than I liked the person. Of course I told her she was cracked, and even now, I don't think that was the case. From what I wrote, I really, genuinely loved K and thought he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But I do come off sounding like a giddy teenager, refusing to even credit anything my parents said, refusing to consider it, defending K to the hilt, thinking he could do no wrong and my parents could do no right, completely unwilling to listen to any of their reasoning. Reading now what I wrote then, it does sound a lot more like a 16-year-old trying to defend the boyfriend her parents think is totally inappropriate than it does a 25-year-old making any sort of reasoned argument about why she's dating the man she is, and why she plans to marry him. *SIGH* Maybe my mother saw something then that I couldn't, or wouldn't, see. And now, for all I know, she's somewhere either letting out a shout of joy that I've finally realized this, shaking her head that I didn't do it sooner, or both.

Reading my journals has been sort of depressing. I had so many doubts about things - in spite of wanting to ignore what my parents said, I had my own doubts about my relationship with K. I wondered if I should have ever gone to law school, if that wasn't a mistake. I look back at the saga of disappointing interviews and crappy in-between jobs and wonder if I've really made any progress in the career field. Right now, it sure doesn't feel like it.

One thing I do know, though: I had to marry K. Had I not, and had we not stuck together for the time we did, J would never have been born. And he is truly my little sunshine, I don't know what I'd do without him, and I wouldn't trade him for anything or anyone in the world. :-)

Gotta work, I've spent way too much time dredging up my past and writing this. More later.

Monday, November 22, 2004

My new favorite quote

From Daryl "Razor" Reaugh, one of the Dallas Stars commentators (God, I miss hockey *SIGH* ):

"A budget can be a method of going broke methodically."

So true, so true....

Are we having fun yet?

Just found out we won't be having massages for the next two weeks, our massage therapist is taking off. *SIGH* Right now I could sure use a massage! Oh well, I guess I should save the money right now anyway.

And our database that we rely on for work is completely locked up, has been for going on almost an hour now. Hmm, no technology, no work. Technology is a good thing, but here's a prime example of what happens when we get too reliant on it. Can't make phone calls (can't look up the numbers), can't do letters (can't get addresses), can't log contacts from prior phone calls (can't get into the database to do it). So here I sit, with my thumb up my nose (figuratively speaking).

I've made some phone calls. I hate them. My idea of hell would be having to call people who didn't want to hear from me. Today has been pretty close. Blech.

I've probably got some thoughts rolling around in my head, but right now my brain feels like mush. I'm not sure anything would come out in a sensible fashion even if I tried to write it down.

So I'll take off in a totally different direction, inspired by this post in The Odd Wife's blog. I'm from the South, everyone had at least one ghost story or unexplained experience to talk about when I was a child. So the paranormal is something I have more than a passing fascination with. I thought I'd share a couple of my experiences, just for grins.

Hmm, where to start? I'll share one from my honeymoon. K and I spent part of our honeymoon at The Myrtles in St. Francisville, supposedly the most haunted house in America. We had a light in our room that tended to flicker on and off at odd times, but we figured that was probably due to old wiring. The second night we were there, we turned in early - it's hard work being newly married. LOL We were probably sound asleep by about 7:00 or so. I woke up around midnight to the sound of someone playing the piano in the main entry hall, and playing it very, very badly. I kept hearing the same little bits of Fur Elise and Moonlight Sonata played again and again, always stopping in the same place. I've played since I was seven, and could play both of those pieces with ease, and this repetition of the same bits, done rather poorly, was really grating on my nerves and keeping me awake. I thought about getting up and telling them to shut the hell up, but it was January and cold, and I didn't particularly want to get out from under the warm blankets. So it kept on going, and I eventually went back to sleep. I found out later that the two children of one of the plantation owners were poisoned by one of the slaves, and that hearing piano music is one of their more common manifestations. Come to think of it, it *did* sound rather like someone practicing.... For what it's worth, I'd love to go back to The Myrtles someday. I hoped I'd see something out of the ordinary, but never did. Darn the luck. They have some sort of hoop-de-do around Halloween, and I'd LOVE that, but it gets booked up pretty far in advance. Maybe someday I'll get there!

And I have several things that relate to J - so many of his toys have gone off by themselves (and stopped and started on command once they went off) that I've lost count. This story, though, involves my mother, who passed away in 1995. This was around Easter time, 2003. That would have made J what, nine or ten months old? Something like that. Anyway, K's parents and grandmother had come for Easter weekend, so we had a full house. That Saturday morning, I heard J making noise over the monitor around 5:45. I waited a bit to make sure he was really up and that he wouldn't be snoring by the time I got down the hall. While I laid in bed listening, I heard a woman's voice over the monitor saying, "Now what are you doing up?" I figured it was mom or granny, and when I realized J wasn't going back to sleep, I went to get him. I expected that one of them would be in the room with him, but no one was there. I was a bit surprised, but being as how it was the butt crack of dawn, I didn't give it much thought. So we got up and ate and played and so on. Later, I asked granny (who'd been sleeping on the couch, closest to J's room) if she'd gotten up with him - she said she heard him talking, but hadn't gotten up. I asked mom the same question - she said she'd slept right through, hadn't even heard J making noise, and she had been still in bed when we got up. So who did I hear on the monitor? I think it was my mother - the words and the inflection sounded like her, and I like to think she was just stopping to check in on her grandson. :-)

OK, enough for now - I'll write more later, I'd better see if the database is back up. What a pain.


This job is making me bonkers. I've got phone calls to make, and I can't get off a phone call now to make these other phone calls. AAAAAAAAARGH.....

Monday morning.

Ah, another week at the office. What fun, what joy, what happiness. (And in case you somehow missed it oozing off the screen, what sarcasm! LOL) It's started raining again. AARGH. The bottom fell out as I was dropping J off at daycare this morning, meaning I got soaked as I dashed back to the car. Thankfully this was after I had gotten him inside. I always carry a change of clothes for him, but this morning I was wishing I had one for myself!

Saturday - the ill-fated venture to Chuck E. Cheese. J was excited on the way there, talking about Marshall's party and pizza and pancakes (he heard "cake" and thought pancakes, in spite of my best efforts to explain that it was birthday cake with frosting, not pancakes!). But as soon as we got to the doors, he wanted nothing to do with it - this was even before we really got inside, where it was busy and hectic and noisy. He didn't want to have his hand stamped, and didn't want mommy to put him down. I think it was about 20 minutes from the time we pulled into the parking lot until the time we were leaving. He wanted me to hold him, and he just kept his head on my shoulder and kept saying, "Mommy, go home - ont go home (J speak for "I want to go home"). He wouldn't play with his little buddy, wouldn't look at the stage show, didn't want pizza, didn't even want me to put him down. When I did (had to, 37 pounds is a load of boy to carry!), he'd just glue himself to my legs and look up at me piteously, saying, "Ont go home." Finally, after several efforts to interest him in what was going on, I asked him if he wanted to go home. He looked at me and said, "Hum!" (his word for yes) and practically jumped up and down with excitement at the thought. So we left - I figured if I tried to stay, he'd be miserable and I would, too. Once we were outside in the parking lot, he was fine, and quite happy at the prospect of stopping at Target on the way home. "Target, shop, shop!" LOL

But it was the weekend of very little nap. On Saturday, all the nap he got was about 20 minutes in the car from Chuck E. Cheese to Target. He didn't even sleep in the car on the way home from Target. And yesterday he didn't nap AT ALL. He stayed in his bed for about an hour or so, but he kept needing/wanting something (like the time he got both legs stuck out the sides of his crib and couldn't get them back in - "Mommy, stuck, STUCK!!!"), and finally he wanted down. He was literally jumping up and down in the bed at that point, so I figured further efforts to get him to sleep would be wasted. On the bright side, though, bedtime was remarkably easy the past two nights. I'd put him in bed and within five minutes (or less) he'd be snoring - none of the usual tricks to try to win just a few more minutes' awake time. So that was nice.

And he wasn't actually awake last night when I heard him. I guess he was just dreaming and talking in his sleep. He does that occasionally - one night he was making animal sounds, guess he was dreaming about animals! LOL He slept all night, though. You'd think that would mean I'm well-rested this morning, but I never seem to catch up on my sleep.

At least I've got a bunch of short work weeks coming up. This week: off on Thursday for Thanksgiving. Next week: we're closed on Friday, 12/3, for the move (our offices are moving to a new building, and the movers will be at work starting Thursday evening and all day Friday). The following week, I'm taking 12/10 as a vacation day. The week after that, I'm taking 12/13 (woo hoo, that means a four-day weekend!). The week after that, we're closed 12/24 for Christmas. So from now until the end of the year, the only 5-day work week I'll have will be December 27-31. Woo hoo!!!! :-) Of course, that's just that much less time I have to get actual work done, but the mental health days will be nice.

And speaking of the move, things are starting to look pretty bare around here. A lot of non-essential stuff has already been taken away, and lots of things are being packed up. Seems like all our supplies are being packed, like large envelopes for mailing and things we might actually need before next Friday. So how are we supposed to work if they've taken away the things we need???? Oh well.

I'm sure I'll have more to write later, but for now I'd better get to work.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Sunday night

It's late, and I'm worn out after the weekend of no naps. I'll write in more detail later - just wanted to jot down a few thoughts before bed.

1. My son DOES NOT like Chuck E. Cheese.

2. No naps FINALLY equals easier bedtime. (Not earlier, necessarily, but at least easier.)

3. My new addiction - chocolate pots de creme. Yummy!

4. I just figured out that I have a four-day work week almost every week between now and the end of the year.

Oh, you're kidding, my child is *not* awake and in his bed saying "mama". I love him dearly, but it's dark out, it's time for sleep. I'd better go check and, if he's not really awake, get myself to bed while the getting is good.

More later....

Friday, November 19, 2004

It's official...

I've accomplished exactly jack-shit at work today. It's 4:18 as I start this, and the odds of me doing anything really productive at this point are minimal at best.

Especially given that I'm trying to slide out just a few minutes early so I can stop off and get a present for the birthday party we're going to tomorrow. One of J's little friends is turning 2, and we're going to the party. This will be J's first venture to Chuck E Cheese - he'll either love it or hate it (sometimes things that are really loud/overwhelming tend to freak him out - in some ways, he's a pretty sensitive little guy, in spite of his rough-and-tumble nature and insane passion for all things trucklike or mechanical!). Either way, the party is at noon - right around prime napping time. So I'm expecting that the only nap he'll get will be if he sleeps in the car on the way back from the party. Hooray, a 30-minute nap for an overstimulated boy - no doubt, a fun afternoon will be had by all! LOL

Nothing like a good sugar high to end the work day. There was a wedding shower for someone earlier today (our office is huge, I don't know the person, I didn't go), and they had leftover cake in the break room. The frosting is my favorite part, and lucky me, I was able to get a piece of cake with a big ol' frosting flower on it. This isn't the horrible food sin it might seem - I don't eat the actual cake (it doesn't agree with me real well post-lap-band), just the frosting. OK, OK, I'd be better off completely skipping both cake AND frosting, but the frosting is just sooooo gooooooood that it's hard to pass up! :-) Hey, at least I'm not going back for a second piece to scrape the frosting off of....

Just for fun...

What's Your Secret Christmas Name?

Mine is Fuzzy Floppy-Noodles. Hmm, not great. If I use my maiden name, it's Fuzzy Poodle-Noodles - I don't think that's much of an improvement! LOL

Can you tell I REALLY don't want to work on a Friday afternoon????

Yay! And other topics

Visitors!!! :-) I just love having company stop by. Thanks to The Good Husband, Kitti Loves Jay, Jay Loves Kitti and Sparkey for your visits and your comments. I'll do my best to return the favor!

The day continues in a relatively positive fashion. I'm not as bouncy as I was this morning, but that's probably just due to being at work. You can never be quite as enthusiastic about life at work as you can when you're elsewhere (at least I can't).

More tales of the negotiator: Last night, my son was given one cookie. He looked at the cookie in his hand, said, "One?!" in a tone that indicated his complete indignation at being given a solitary pastry, walked to where the package of cookies sat on the cabinet, and said, "One, two, three!" Uh, no, I think not. He's a stinker, he is. I'm seriously hoping he doesn't grow up to contemplate a career in politics.

OK, I'm trying to link to a specific post - let's see if it works. Kitti wrote this in her blog, and I'm thinking maybe she said more what I was trying to say here than I did. Or maybe I did say it, kind of. I don't want to be weak, at least not on a regular basis (I realize that we all have moments of weakness). I like being able to take care of myself, and I like knowing I don't *have* to be completely reliant on a man to take care of me. But some days, it would be nice feeling like I didn't have to be in charge. K is a good man, and he can be really good in a crisis (I saw this demonstrated in a band-related incident back in March, I'll have to write about that later - he was great). But in general I'm the stronger personality, I think, and I think that leads to me taking more responsibility on a day-to-day basis. Did I take control away from K in some things? Probably. Did I do it intentionally? No. I think we both just fell into a pattern of having me take on a lot of the responsibilities, having both grown up in homes where our mothers took care of a lot of the household duties, and I didn't even realize I was doing so much until J was born and I had a little person there who genuinely, truly *couldn't* do for himself. But I think that even if we both realized that this is the case, I got so used to doing most things that it was hard for me to let go of that, and K got so used to having me do most things that it was hard for him to let me give some of them back to him. I could be all wrong on that, but that's my perception. Perhaps a good way to describe what I think would work best for me is someone who respects my independence and appreciates it without being intimidated by it or without assuming that my independence means I don't need or want help with anything.

Oh, one thing I forgot that was an annoyance yesterday but isn't quite so bad today. I'd mentioned my efforts to get money from my dependent care reimbursement account. I'd resubmitted my claim earlier this week, and thought I'd call yesterday to check on it. Imagine my surprise and irritation to be told, "Oh, it was denied - it looks like you didn't sign the form." Stinking hell, can no one there CALL and TELL me that something was done incorrectly?! Especially since this was the second time I'd submitted it? Yes, both times the mistakes made were mine, and they were pretty stupid mistakes. But what the hell kind of customer service is it to just deny a claim and never even tell the claimant that it's been denied or why?! And when it comes down to it, it's my freakin' money anyway, it came out of my paycheck, so just hand it over already. I was thoroughly annoyed about that last night, and I faxed the form again, properly signed this time, as soon as I got off the phone. I called this morning to check to make sure they'd gotten everything (and for what it's worth, I never had this much hassle with dependent care reimbursement at my previous job). They'd gotten the paperwork, and I asked the customer service rep about how long it would take to process it. She said, "Oh, this time of year it can take a while, usually a week or so." She must have heard me starting to grind my teeth, because she said she'd get it processed for me today, so that the money would be direct deposited in my account in 2 or 3 days. I told her I appreciated that, especially since I'd been trying to submit the claim for about three weeks now. Direct deposit is good, that's at least an improvement from my old job - there you had to wait for a check to come in the mail. At least now it should be in my account next week, which will be a welcome relief. You know, I am just beyond tired of rotten finances. Maybe I just need a sugar daddy. LOLOLOLOL (I joke, I joke!!!)

A surprisingly good morning!

Wow. The day has started off remarkably well (I'm almost afraid to comment on it, for fear of jinxing it!). Daycare drop-off went great. J was shouting, "yay, school!" as we pulled into the parking lot, and as I came to a stop, I heard him say, "Trucks down!" and the clatter of little trucks falling to the floor. (In the past we've had some pitched battles over leaving our toys in the car, so they don't get lost at school - more than once I've lost that battle, and spent the day worrying that a favorite toy might end up lost forever. Thankfully, that never happened, but I'm glad that it's sinking in that our toys don't go to school with us.) When we went inside, we said good morning to the fish in the aquarium and went to the gym. He grabbed his toast and juice and ran to sit down. He looked at me and said, "bye, hug?" So I gave him a hug, told him I'd see him this afternoon, and walked out. He ran after me grumping a bit, and when he got to the door (I'd stopped there and turned around), he said, "hug?!" So I gave him another hug and he said bye and ran off, happy as could be. Much better than a thermonuclear meltdown. :-)

Traffic was great, too. It went so smoothly, I wondered if they'd declared a holiday and no one told me! LOL I made it from daycare to work in about 35 minutes, which is really good. I was amazed.

And it looks like the sun is trying to peek out. I actually saw blue sky this morning, for the first time in about a week!

So now I'm at my desk, hoping the day continues in this positive vein and doesn't suddenly reverse direction and turn to crap on me. Here's hoping!

Thursday, November 18, 2004

La la la la la, I'm not listening...

to the chocolate chip cookies downstairs at Paradise Bakery. I'm terrible about stress eating, and oh boy, are those cookies ever calling my name. La la la la la, I'm not listening. I'm broke, I don't have $ for chocolate chip cookies, I don't need them anyway. Note to self: Must work out tonight, maybe that will help with stress relief, and personal well-being to boot. Maybe then it will be a little easier to ignore those damned cookies. Our offices are moving to a new building in a couple of weeks, and we will no longer be connected to the tunnel system that's under this building and chock-full of little temptations like Paradise Bakery. No Paradise, no Chick-Fil-A, no Starbucks close at hand. Maybe that's a good thing for my weight-loss efforts - if the naughty foods aren't so handy, I'm less likely to go looking for them.


This is another thing I'm going to have to adjust to. Used to be, K and I would talk or e-mail a lot during the day, just to say hi, send goofy websites, see what was going on. Lately that has seriously decreased, and I find that I miss that. But that relates to what I was thinking earlier, that as things between us change, the ways we communicate and how much we communicate will change as well. And I guess it's to be expected that we won't talk regularly every day like we have in the past. Does this cut me to the bone, make me want to lay down on the floor and have screaming, howling fits? Well, no. Does it make me feel a bit sad and wistful? Well, yes. No matter what may have happened in the past that's made me want to swear and kick things and jump up and down, K and I are, underneath it all, still friends. I don't think we'll ever find ourselves in a position where we're calling each other nasty names and tossing pointy objects at each other and being ugly just for the sake of being ugly - I certainly hope not. But I'm really coming to realize now that, while we'll always have a friendship, we won't always be each other's best friend. And it makes me a little wistful. I mean, I don't have ten years of history with anyone else at this point, it's a unique thing, and the loss of that "best friend" status is something I'll feel, no matter who I may end up with, no matter how special someone else may become to me in the future. I think that just goes with the territory, though, I don't think there's any way around it.

Does this mean I think we should try to patch things up? No. The topic of separation, or the possibility of it, first came up in February 2003. If, in the nearly two years that has passed since then, neither of us has stopped and said, "wait a minute, I've changed my mind, let's work on us", I don't think it's going to happen. After all, it's not like we both haven't had plenty of time to think about that option. Personally, I really believe each of us will be happy with a different kind of person than what the other has become. For example, I think K might do better with someone who brings out more of a protective instinct in him. I tend not to do that - I'm like a little bulldozer, I keep on keeping on, even when perhaps I *should* have sense enough to stop, to ask for help, to hand the reins off to someone else. If he finds someone who isn't quite so stubbornly independent as I am, he has the capacity to be quite protective and quite considerate of that person. For me, I think I might be better off with someone who can take over, who can step in and say, "hey, let me do that" when I don't have sense enough (or am just too hard-headed) to let go or to ask for help. Not someone who's a control freak and who wants to run the whole dog and pony show, but someone who can take over and not be patronizing or condescending about it. A friend once told me that he broke up with his ex because she was so independent, she didn't make him feel like she needed him. Maybe that's a big part of our issues, that K doesn't feel like I need him - maybe he would be happier with someone who does make him feel that way, and I don't know if I could do that, simply because I do have that tendency to take it all on myself.

So what does that leave me looking for? I guess I think I might be better with someone who doesn't need me to make him feel needed, who knows how I feel and who can be in charge when it's necessary to do so. Does that even make sense? Maybe I'm not doing a very good job putting it into words. Maybe I'm looking for someone that doesn't even exist. I don't know.

One thing I do know - there are no "perfect" men. I'm not deceiving myself into thinking that if I find someone else, I'll find the "perfect" man who's exactly what I'm looking for, who will never upset me, who will always do everything right. All men (like all women) have their flaws and quirks and oddities. It's just a question of deciding which flaws we can live with and which ones are deal-breakers.


Oh Mum, I wonder when I'll be wakened
It's just that there's so much to do
And I'm tired of sleeping
--Suzanne Vega, Tired of Sleeping

I was listening to this on my way to work this morning, and that's kind of how I feel. (And why, oh why, do I keep thinking about my life and not focusing on the piles of work on my desk?! This morning was pretty good as far as work goes, but it's going downhill fast.) Almost like I've been asleep for the last ten years or so, starting to wake up about a year and a half ago, and still trying to completely wake up. There *is* so much to do, and I *am* tired of sleeping. Anyone got a shot of No-Doz out there to help me along? Some days I feel like I'm just about to crawl out of my skin with the desire to get moving, to see where I'm going to go next, to see where life takes me.

I've got phone calls to make. I hate phone calls, especially ones that have to be made just to say we've touched base with the clients, when there's no particular reason for the call. I always feel stupid saying "we're just calling to see if there's anything you need" or something of that nature when some of these people haven't heard from anyone here for over a year. And I've got a ton of those to make. BLECH, BLECH, BLECH. For someone as talkative as I can be with people I like, phone calls like this are surprisingly painful. I'd rather have dental work with no anesthetic (which I've been known to do on occasion if it's nothing major - I have a high pain tolerance, what can I say) than make these freakin' phone calls. But if I hope to have a snowball's chance in hell of getting any sort of raise and/or bonus this year, I've got to do it. You know, it's things like this that make winning the lotto seem more and more like a good idea....

Now I remember...

why I'm grumpy. Today is the parent-child Thanksgiving feast at J's daycare, and I'm not going to be able to make it. Poo. :-( This is one reason I'd really love to work for myself, to have the flexibility to do stuff like this without having to worry if I can get a vacation day approved or trying to leave and come back to work (not feasible now, as my work is about 30 miles from daycare and the day would be blown by the time I left, had lunch and came back). Only a couple of parents of kids in J's class are going to be there today, so it's not like he'll be the *only* one without a parent at lunch. But still, I wish I could be there.

And the weather is *still* crap. If the sun doesn't come out soon, I might go stark raving mad.


I can't decide if this is a good day or a bad one. Some things have been serendipitous - I spilled coffee in the car on my way to work, but it landed on my seat belt instead of my shirt. I got here early enough to get the parking space I like in the garage. J slept all night. These are all good things, right? So why am I in a vaguely grumpy mood? I think it's just being at work that does it. I'm so far behind, I'll never catch up, and that brings me down.

I keep thinking there are things I want to write about, but I can't seem to get my thoughts together enough to get them down right now. Oh well, maybe it will all come to me later.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Very annoying

I keep losing my profile occasionally when I publish my blog. So I keep losing all my links to other blogs I like, music, books, etc. Harrumph. This time when I change it all, I'm saving a copy somewhere, so I don't have to keep redoing it.


Well, the day started out fairly crappy - OK, make that downright rotten. It actually started last night. It hit me that, no matter how hard K and I try to keep our situation amicable and friendly, our friendship will necessarily change. For the last ten years, he's been the first person I'd think to call when something happened, good, bad or otherwise. That's going to change. Not that we won't still be friends, not that we won't still be able to talk about things, not that we won't be able to work together to raise J. But if we both get out there and meet other people and have other "significant others" in our lives, we'll no longer be the first person the other calls when they've got news to share. And that hit me, really for the first time, and it made me kind of sad.

The weather is still atrocious - gray and cloudy for what feels like about the fourteenth day in a row, and pouring rain as well. That makes me feel down right off the bat - I am a sunshine baby, I much prefer sunny weather with the occasional rainy day here and there, not an extended stretch of gloom.

Then traffic absolutely sucked rocks this morning - weather, wreck or all of the above, I'm not sure, but the highways were a parking lot. I took what I thought would be a faster route on back roads, but missed a turn since it's not a way I go regularly. I ended up where I needed/expected to be, but it took me a lot longer than I'd thought. I didn't get to work until 9:30, and I was about ready to burst into flame by that point.

But then the day started improving. Today is massage day at work, as every Wednesday is - we have a guy who comes in and does chair massages, and I am totally addicted. (It doesn't hurt that our massage therapist is kind of cute! LOL) I'm on the schedule every week, and this week's time was not too long after I came dragging into the office. So I had my 25 minutes of bliss, and that improved my mood tremendously. I do love a good massage!

And our team decided to go for the enchilada special at El Fenix for lunch - all of us, including our manager, so we weren't worried about having to rush back to the office. That was fun! Result: my mood is much improved, and I haven't done a lick of work so far today. Of course, since lunch was early, the afternoon now stretches loooooooooong before me. That's no fun.

But the day is better, and I no longer feel the need to kick something. I'm glad - I'm not in a real bad mood very often, and I really don't like myself much when I'm feeling that way.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Stressed out.

OK, I know my blog is now having technical difficulties, but I'm posting on faith that this will show up at some point. I've got to write, or I might burst into flame, and that would be messy, as well as hard to explain to my son.

I am so stressed out, I don't even know what to do. It's everything - it's work, it's finances, it's separation, it's just everything. Sure, K and I are still friends, but I don't feel like I can lean on him right now, he's got his own stuff going on and his own issues to deal with. And while there may be guys out there that I'm talking to, it's not fair to them to dump my daily angst on them. If there was someone I was really involved with, that might be different. But right now I feel like I have no support in my daily life, that I'm carrying all this load alone, and it SUCKS. It sucks rocks. If I could, I'd just lay down and cry. But that would probably get me some funny looks from my co-workers and I'd end up with puffy eyes and still feeling like crap, so I'll just wait until my drive home and listen to something really loud.

I need to take up kickboxing. It would be great stress relief. Wonder if Santa would bring me a punching bag...?

I swear, if my life thus far hasn't driven me to crawl into a tequila bottle and not come out, or driven me to drugs, I don't reckon there's much that could.

My son, the negotiator.

Yet another purpose of this journal: to talk about my wonderful, beautiful, curious, headstrong, fascinating son! :-)

Looks like J wants to follow in mommy's footsteps and become a lawyer - he's already working on his negotiation skills. First, he didn't want dinner - he wanted chips and cookies, instead of perfectly good pancakes (which he'd asked for several times on the way home). I told him no cookies until he finished dinner, and he dropped his fork and said, "Finished!" without ever having taken a bite. OY. So I didn't push, I figured he knew how to eat if he was hungry. I said, fine, no dinner, no cookies, let's go take a bath.

Then bedtime. In bed at 8:30, as usual. Not asleep until almost 10:30 - YIKES. We haven't had a night like that in a while. First he wanted cookies. No, baby, no cookies. Then he asked for applesauce - I figured he probably was hungry, not having eaten dinner, so he ate applesauce. SIX little bowls of it. Back in bed. "Mommy, rock, shoulder" (mommy, I want to rock on your shoulder). OK, we rocked. Back in bed. "Rock again, rock again." Nope, time to sleep. Lie down, squirm, fidget. "Poo, change." Go check - no poo, go to sleep. And on and on. But the thing that made me laugh out loud - at one point he was asking for candies (his word for fruit snacks). "I want candies." I told him no, no candies, it was time for bed. His response? "One. One candy?" LOLOLOL Great, he's already making counteroffers!!!! Help!!!! He's too much.

Monday, November 15, 2004

One of those days...

that would make St. Francis want to kick cats. I'd submitted a claim for reimbursement from my dependent care account almost two weeks ago, and not heard anything. I called and finally got a live person, after navigating all the voice mail menus, only to find out that the claim had been denied because I'd submitted it for expenses incurred before I started putting money in my dependent care account here. Duh, stupid mistake on my part, to be sure. But was no one going to let me *know* the claim was denied?! I'm just changing the service dates on the form and sending it in again - it's just the annoyance factor of having to do that, of not being told that they weren't sending the money and why, and of the fact that the cash would be a big help to me at the moment. AARGH.

My inbox (we have a document imaging system here, most of our mail comes to us electronically through this system rather than as actual hard copy) is out of sorts, too. I can't get into it, no matter how many times I've tried to reboot and start over. I can't access documents for any of my accounts, which makes it a challenge to look things up. All of these little technological glitches are making it very hard for me to cross things off my "to do" list, which is contributing to the feeling that I'd like to kick something. Grrrrr....

And here's a puzzling question: I can set up reminders for tasks on my Outlook e-mail. That's pretty handy. Lots of the things I set up don't have specific due dates, I just set up reminders so that I have some chance of not completely forgetting to take care of the 3 million little details I have to attend to on a daily basis (this way, I only forget 1 million of them, instead of 2.5 million). How, if there's no due date set on a reminder, can something be "overdue"???? I'm probably the only one who's ever noticed that and wondered.

Oh, how I wish it was 5:00. I am so ready not to be here today, even though the weather is less than great and I've got errands to run on the way home (always fun, trying to get my son into the buggy at the grocery store when he's almost as tall as me - at least he likes going to the store, though, so it could be worse).

Thoughts, part 3.

Then there's the whole topic of sex and passion and all that good stuff that, ideally, will be present in a relationship. (Not essential, I don't guess, but it sure would make life more fun.) As I've mentioned previously, I've changed a bit in that department - I've figured out that sex can be (and should be) fun. I'm not nearly the repressed little thing I once was, and that's good. When I was younger, I wholeheartedly believed that sex outside of marriage was wrong, and I think on some level I felt that, even within marriage, "good" girls (which is what I was raised to be) weren't supposed to enjoy sex *too* much. I never really fantasized (not even as a teenager), never touched myself, and wouldn't have taken my pants off for a boy even had one been interested enough to pursue the matter. I've thought in the past that, given my difficulty in getting pregnant, maybe I was hormonally out of whack all these years. And that may be the case. But I wonder now if a big part of my low libido hasn't been due to 1) being seriously repressed by my upbringing, and 2) not having a partner that I (consciously or subconsciously) thought was strong enough for me to lose control with, for me to be comfortable losing control with. Because it seems that really mind-blowing, toe-curling good sex requires totally letting yourself go to the experience.

Which brings me to my next train of thought (all of which ties in with thinking about the likely demise of my marriage). In meandering about the Internet, I've come across several online journals involving domination and submission. The ones I've read, the male partner has been dominant, and the female partner has been submissive, but I'm sure it works both ways. At any rate, one I've read was written by the dominant male to his submissive female partner. As I read some of the things he wrote about, things he'd done to her, things he'd thought up to do to her, I realized that some of it was very appealing to me. Not all, but some. Some of it even turned me on - some a little bit, some rather a lot. So apparently I have a submissive side hiding under all this independence - who knew?!?! (From what I've read, it's not incredibly uncommon for intelligent women to find that they have a submissive side - my personal theory is, at least for me, that I'm so tired of being in charge of stuff that in one area of my life, it would be really nice for someone else to take control.)

And how does all this relate to my thoughts re: the demise of my marriage? I've found this out about myself, and finding it out is great - nice to know what's going on with myself, nice to maybe be able to act on those feelings someday. But I cannot, in a million years, picture ever being submissive to K. I don't picture him as being able to be really dominant, not in the way that I'm hoping for. And even if he could be, even if he was willing to give it a try, I'm not sure I could really buy into it, since I'd feel like I was the stronger in every other aspect of our relationship. Not saying I need/want a man who's a total control freak and who wants to keep me under his thumb and call all the shots in all areas of life - I'd chafe at that and eventually blow a fuse. But I do think I need someone who has a more forceful personality than K does. I feel almost disloyal thinking this, but it's true. And can I squash down this new aspect of myself for the sake of preserving a marriage? I don't know. I don't think I can, and I'm not sure I'd want to. How much more would that leave me feeling out of sorts and unhappy with my marriage, if I went back just trying to do what was right for J, and feeling like there was no passion, no spark, and not feeling like I could do anything with this newly discovered aspect of my sexuality? That sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

Thoughts, part 2.

And then there's the question of what's best for J. Are what makes me happy and what's best for him mutually exclusive? If they aren't the same thing, do I have the right to put my happiness ahead of his ultimate well-being? Do I have the obligation as a parent to put his well-being ahead of my personal desires, no matter the consequence to myself of doing that? What will hurt him more, having two parents who are happy (or who are at least taking a chance on finding happiness) but not together, or two parents who stay together for J's sake but who aren't happy with each other as spouses? (I mean, how would I have felt if my parents had split up while I was in college or law school, and told me, "We only stayed together this long because of you"?! Talk about that dumping a load of guilt on a kid.) If I do stay with K (which is probably what many people would consider to be "best" for J), what sort of example would he be learning from? What would he think a "good" relationship should be, based on what he saw between his mother and father? God knows I didn't have the best example in my parents, and neither did K, so I guess it's good that we realize now that we aren't happy together, instead of waking up after we've been together for 30 or 40 years and thinking, hey, this has really sucked rocks. If we tried to fix the marriage (and I'm not even sure I have it in me at this point to try that), would J learn that marriages don't have passion in them and that that's how it should be, that being friends is enough? (Because believe me, at this point, there is *nothing* of that feeling left in me for K. It's long dead and gone, and I can't imagine a scenario where it would come back. More on that later, I've got another thought on that topic - it may be a post in and of itself.) Would J learn that it's OK for him to expect the woman in his life to do most of the work around the house, to bear most of the responsibility for the running of the household, even if both of them work full-time? What sort of man would he grow up to be if K is the biggest male influence in his life? Not that K isn't a good dad - I know he adores J and would never do anything to hurt him. But it seemed like he tended to fall back on me to do things, rely on me to take care of a lot of household matters, and I don't want J growing up thinking that's how things are. I guess I thought that's how it should be since my dad very seldom did things around the house - my mother did the cooking and cleaning and most of the taking care of me, and paid the bills, and did the grocery shopping. Granted, my mother stayed home with me, and my dad worked 10-12 hours a day farming, but still, I grew up with the example of mama doing most everything around the house and daddy coming home and kicking back and relaxing (well, as much as my dad *could* relax - he was always wound pretty tight, and even now, after 36 years of being his daughter, I'm not sure what he considers "fun"). And who knows, maybe my perception is just skewed, maybe I just expected too much from K, maybe things were the way they were supposed to be. It's so hard to know. But it's not hard to realize that you aren't happy.

Thoughts, part 1

K's wanting to separate freed me up to think about a lot of things. I've come to realize that I'm a very different person now than I was when I was 25 (and believe me, it's an improvement). My wants and needs have changed, I've changed. Since he's said he wanted out, I've had the chance to talk to different people and meet a few of them. I've realized that there are guys out there who are stinkers and not worth my time, but I've also realized that there are interesting, intelligent men who find me interesting as well, men who *are* strong and who *do* know how to be responsible when need be. (This is greatly appealing to me - sometimes with K, it felt like I made every decision, even where we'd go eat out.) I am *tired* of being the one who's strong most of the time. I don't know if I could spend the rest of my life carrying K (and if I take him back, that's what I feel like I'd be doing) - for once, it would be nice to be with someone who, every so often, could carry me. Not that I wish I wasn't a strong woman - all of the women in my family are, and I'm glad. I'd hate to think I didn't have the fortitude to take care of myself, that I *had* to depend on someone else to take care of me. But I don't enjoy being placed in the position of feeling like someone who's old enough to take care of himself, or at least do a bit more for himself, is instead wanting to completely rely on me to do for him. And that's how my marriage was making me feel.

But then that gets me to thinking - I took a vow. I said for better or for worse. Is sucking it up just part of "worse"? But if it is, what if it never gets "better"? Does that vow mean *I* should just suck it up, put aside my personal happiness, and do whatever I can to keep the marriage together? I've posted a bit on a "coping with divorce/separation" mailing list, and people there have said, you aren't responsible for his well-being, you need to look after yourself and not worry about him, he'll either make it or he won't. Is that true? (This gets into what I'm currently discussing with my counselor, the concept of responsibility for someone/something thing vs. responsibility to someone/something. I'm struggling with it, that's for sure - I tend to feel responsible for way more than I should, to take things on myself that aren't my problem. No doubt, I'll have more thoughts on that later.) Does the marriage vow I took obligate me to put myself in a position where I feel like K's caretaker, even if the situation isn't a good one for me? Is there a good reason to break my vow, and if there is, is the fact that I'm not happy, that I'm tired of being the strong one, that my needs and wants have changed, a sufficient reason to do it? I don't know. I wish my mother were alive so I could ask her why in the world she stuck it out with my dad for 43 years, when it was pretty apparent to me that neither of them was particularly happy with the situation.

Monday morning.

Gray and rainy and dreary - that's what it's been like the past couple of days. My head is full of thoughts and wonderings, but I'm so muddled, I'm not sure I can write them down. Funny, I'm supposed to be so good with words (first an English major, now an attorney), but right now they seem to be failing me, at least in regard to all that's rattling around in my head. Feels like my brain is stuffed with oatmeal - blech. And it's probably not helping my mood, being back at work after a four-day weekend. The novelty would probably wear off pretty quickly, but some days I think it would be lovely to be a lady of leisure.

Maybe I'll just jump right in and rearrange my thoughts as necessary, maybe just the act of writing will help me get untwisted.

I had the privilege of having lunch last Friday with R, a man I've met since K and I have separated. I find him most fascinating - he's tall (didn't realize that was something I liked until recently, I always figured it didn't matter much since I'm so short!), musical, frighteningly intelligent (definitely something that's important to me - I'm tired of dumbing myself down on any level), well-read, likes children, likes shooting (another thing from my past I didn't realize I'd missed until I did it again - nothing like blowing holes in things to relieve stress!), and I probably like him way more than is prudent. Anyway, since Friday I've been thinking about many, many things. I'll see if any of them translate to the written word. I've started trying to write about five different times but always gave up in disgust because nothing was coming out right. See if this time is any different.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Sacred, holy...

I love the smell of candles - not necessarily a particular candle fragrance, but the warm smell of melting wax. It's somehow sacred and sensual at once. I'd probably love beeswax candles, no scent other than that of melting wax. If I didn't have a two-year-old, I'd have tons of candles in my room. As it is, I limit them mostly to the kitchen. I had eight or nine of them burning all day - most have burned out now, except the larger ones, but the smell lingers.

Another smell filled my house today - the smell of cookies baking. When I have a lot on my mind, cooking is a form of stress release. Today I had a lot on my mind, so I whipped up a big batch of double chocolate chip cookies with dried cranberries tossed in. I ate one cookie and boxed up the rest to take to work - so much for stress eating, but hey, maybe the fact that I'm too twisted to eat is a good thing.

I played the piano some, too. I love my little upright (it's what, 29 years old now, I've had it since I started playing at age seven), but in my dream house I have a music room big enough for at least a baby grand, maybe even a concert grand. Black, of course. Now playing that would truly be stress relief.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Logic vs. emotion

I am a Gemini, and logical thinking (and a way with words) is supposed to be one of the hallmarks of my sign. In my case, the description fits. K used to give me grief about being so logical and so practical, and I guess I was (still am, too - that hasn't gone away!). He'd tell me I was just sucking the fun right out of things because I was so sensible about everything. My responses to that: 1) well, someone had to do it, and 2) when the emotional side isn't nurtured in some fashion, it's going to go into hibernation. But I've discovered that I *do* have emotions after all. They're still hiding just a bit, but they're there. Good news, there's hope for me to join the land of the living yet!

What gets to me most: music. Music makes me feel more than just about anything on the planet, and I play music that fits my mood at any given time. This evening, it was Evanescence, played very loudly. Seemed to go with the mood. There's no particular genre that works for me more than any other - it can be anything, pop, opera, metal, country, anything that makes me feel, that makes my toes curl with the emotion it evokes. Other than music, what gets to me? Surprises - I love surprises, big ones, little ones, funky ones, witty ones. I can't even count how many times K would go somewhere and I'd jokingly ask him to bring me back a surprise, only to have him say that he didn't know what I'd like. To me, that said one of two things: he hadn't been paying attention during our marriage, or he just didn't want to put forth the effort. What else? Someone doing something for me without waiting for me to ask, just thinking enough of me to think I might appreciate the help. Random little notes in unexpected places. Goofy e-mails or phone messages. Flowers for no reason. One exquisite piece of chocolate on my pillow. Clean sheets that I didn't have to wash. Thirty minutes of uninterrupted time for a bubble bath once in a while. Not a lot of big stuff, just little things that would let me know someone was thinking about me, other than because he wanted/needed me to do something for him.

Getting away from my original topic, but a friend and I were discussing the concept of forgiveness in relationships a while back. He was thinking about getting back together with his ex, and he said they had some baggage from the past breakup. He asked me if he really loved her, shouldn't he be able to let it go and not worry about keeping score of who'd done what for whom. I told him that ideally, that would be the case, that love wouldn't worry about who did more for whom. But we're all human, and it's human nature, when you feel like you're doing all the giving and it isn't reciprocated, to start keeping score - in that situation, it's pretty hard not to, and when you do that, you stop wanting to give anymore until you feel like the courtesy is being returned. I think that's where I got to with K - felt like I was giving and giving and trying and trying, and he didn't return the favor. Now I think my giving tree is all give out, and there's nothing left to give. I told my friend, though, that it didn't have to be that way, that if you're in a good relationship, where both parties are giving, then doing for someone you love is as natural as breathing, it's something you just want to do (unless you're a completely selfish git, but that's a whole other category!).

I'm rambling, it's late, I think I should sleep - the hot chocolate with a shot of Frangelico has made me a bit fuzzy....

And I'm not done yet...

Fast forward to 2004. By this point I'd had the lap-band surgery, and with my weight loss came an increase in confidence (I think it was coming anyway, but the weight loss just helped it along). We always joked that JG and K were a lot alike, and that JG's husband and I were a lot alike. JG's husband and I both liked to go out dancing, JG and K didn't, so the two of us who liked it went dancing. Much fun, I hadn't gone out dancing since college, and I loved it. We talked a lot about relationship stuff, and just had a good time. Well, we went one time, had a few too many shots of Crown Royal, and he kissed me. Zoiks. Of course K knew something was up (he's always said he can read me like a book, and about that, he could) - it took him two days to figure it out and pry it out of me, but he did. He felt compelled to tell JG, since her husband had just moved back in, and I understand that - if your friend's husband has just moved back in, she's thinking all is fine, and he's kissing some other woman, of course you should tell that friend. During all of this, K and JG had a serious falling-out, to the point that they're no longer friends. And obviously I lost my dancing buddy - after that, there was no way the two of us were going dancing again. Bummer, we did have fun, and now I've got no one to go dancing with - just when I was getting back into it.

Anyway, K and JG were no longer anything, but he still wanted to move out. We talked a lot about what we thought we wanted in a partner, and I think the biggest challenge for him is the fact that I'm so freakin' independent. I grew up an only child, my parents raised me to believe I could do anything, and I'm intelligent enough to, well, do anything. I'm capable of taking care of myself and my family. And K, thinking I didn't need help because I never asked, sat back and let me do. I've never been able to get the point across that it's not so much that I *needed* help - I *can* do just about anything by myself. The point was, I'd have *appreciated* the help, and I'd have appreciated it if occasionally the help were given without me having to ask, if it would have just occurred to him to help because he cared about me. I took the lack of help as meaning that he didn't care, and it made me mad. Even after we'd had this discussion, it still seemed like he was content to sit back and let me do. (I told him once that I wasn't his mother, and he got upset, said he didn't think of me that way - it sure felt like it to me.) So I reckoned he needed to move out, if only to learn how to take care of himself, as well as to give us space to sort out what direction we wanted to go. And eventually, he did.