It hurts me to write this, I don't think I've mentioned it in here, but we're faced with the real possibility of losing our house. I took out a home equity loan when Kevin and I were married and refinanced it when I was single - it seemed like a good idea at the time, but it's turned out not to be that way in a major, major way. I got behind when I was single, more behind when Brian wasn't working, and now it doesn't look good. We're trying to get it restructured, but I don't know if whatever they offer will be enough. Even though we're both working full-time, it seems like we're still struggling to make ends meet every month. I keep telling myself, God blessed us with the boys (in fact, Brian and I weren't actively trying to have a child and had talked about the fact that it might not ever happen right before I found out I was pregnant with Rhys), He's not going to leave us hanging without the means to take care of them, and surely taking care of them means having a roof to put over their heads. But then I think, well, Job was a man of faith, and God let him be tested in a big way - he lost his kids, his livelihood, his possessions, everything. When he remained faithful, God blessed him more than he'd been blessed in the first place, but still. He let Job be brought mighty low to prove a point to the devil, to prove that the devil couldn't make Job turn from God even when times were beyond tough. So honestly? I don't know what to think. I'm praying for a miracle. I wish, somehow, the house could be paid off and I'd never, ever take out a home equity loan again. I'm kicking myself (although Brian says I was making the best decision I could with the information I had at the time), I'm sick with guilt (because my parents didn't raise me to be in the hole financially - they raised me to live within my means, and I feel like I'm failing to live up to what they taught me), I'm worried about what we'll do if the worst comes to pass, and I want to cry when I think about the possibility of having to take Julian out of the only home he's ever known. Maybe this new job (if I get it) will offer a significant pay raise, and that's what will pull us through. I have no idea. All I know is, this is a problem I cannot fix in my own strength, and while I don't know what God's plan is, I surely hope it doesn't mean us being uprooted from our home. I'm learning a lot about what it means to pray without ceasing.
And then I find myself thinking, do I have the right to ask for God's help with this? Aren't there others who are so much worse off than we are? There are people who *are* homeless, who don't know where their next meal will come from. There are people facing the loss of a loved one at what should be a blessed and joyous season, the loss of a child, a parent, someone near and dear to their hearts. If God is going to work a miracle in someone's life, shouldn't it be someone who deserves it more than I do? Maybe so, but that doesn't mean I pray for one any less for us than I do for all of them. So if anyone has a prayer to spare, we'd appreciate it.