Two months and two days

Happy two months, Rhyster Beast! We went for his two-month checkup on Wednesday. He now weighs 14 lb. 8 oz., he's 22 1/2 inches long, and his head is 16 inches in circumference. He got three shots and one oral vaccine. He handled the shots themselves OK - he fussed at the needle stick, but was fine once the nurse got Band-Aids put on - but he ran a little low-grade fever for about 24 hours and slept a LOT. He seems to have recovered his usual good nature, though, and it was a good checkup. He's doing everything he should be, according to the doctor. She said he should know who mama is, and I told her we joked that he has a "mama has left the building" radar - the few times I've gone out and left him with Brian, he's started screaming pretty much as soon as I've left and not stopped until I've come back! LOL (I tell Brian not to worry, that one day, Daddy will be way cooler than Mama!)

Another bit of inspiration

Internet Cafe Devotions strikes again:

…for your Heavenly Father knows that you are in need of all these things".

Matthew 6:32b


$10,000! Letters and phone calls came to the house demanding that we pay this amount to the hospital where I recently had surgery. I was struggling to make sense of the insurance forms, hospital and doctor bills, while trying to recover from a major surgery. We had fought with the insurance company to pay over $500,000 in bills so far.

Why did we still have to fight them for this amount, seemingly small in comparison?

We started to pray and ask God to intervene in taking care of this situation. A month later, our answer came in the mail. It was a letter from some friends from our college days. They heard that I had surgery and wrote to tell us they were praying and would like to help out with a gift. In the envelope I found a check for $10,000!

I could just hear the Father saying, "O what little faith you have! Did you forget that I know all these things and will care for you?" In my Bible, Matthew 6 is appropriately titled, "The cure for anxiety." God gives us all the hope we need in that one small section of the Bible.

He shows us how small our cares and worries are in comparison to His care and supply for us. Whether it is money or material goods, God can provide these things for us, just as He takes care of all of His Creation.

If you are struggling with anxiety over medical bills, house payments, or future plans, God has given you hope and peace in this short passage of Scripture to calm your hearts and turn your focus toward Him. Look for ways God is showing His care for you in the everyday, small ways and trust Him to take care of all the rest.

"Father, help me to remember your promises of provision, even when the outlook seems bleak. May I remember that how you care for your Creation is how you will care for me."

What monetary, medical, or relationship struggles are you going through?

How has God revealed Himself to you in the midst of these struggles?

Are you looking for ways that He is showing His care for you?
In Him,
Joanna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Again, this is something I really needed to hear. We aren't facing a $10,000 medical bill, but we are facing the possibility of having to pay an obligation that we simply don't have the money for if we're going by our own resources. I'm screwing up my courage to call about it now, and I am scared. My parents didn't raise me to not pay my own way, I feel like a failure for being in this position, and I'm praying that God will, in His grace, rescue me yet again from my own foolish choices and not bring hardship to my husband and my kids because of my stupidity.

So if you're of a praying mindset, I'd appreciate some today, as I make that call. Pray I'll have the courage to actually pick up the phone and get it done (because it won't go away if I ignore it), pray that the situation isn't as dire as I'm building it up to possibly be, and pray that, if it is that bad, God will make a way clear for us to get through it.

Birthday party planning

Thanks to those of you who posted comments on my last post - I'm sorry there are others out there struggling with financial woes, but in some way, it helps knowing we aren't alone. And it helps, too, knowing I'm not the only one who struggles with really letting go and trusting God to work.

Birthday party thoughts: We're trying to think of money-saving ideas for Julian's party this year. It will be after I've gone to work and we've started paying through the nose for summer camp and daycare, so it's not like we'll be flush with cash. We'd thought of getting a five-pack of tickets to a local water park (which costs about $105 and includes food and unlimited drinks) for me, Brian, Julian and two of his friends, and making it something small that he could enjoy, rather than a big to-do at Pump It Up or Chuck E. Cheese or whatever. (As an added bonus, this way we wouldn't get a ton of presents from his friends that often just get overlooked in the mess of toys around here.) I mentioned this to J's dad, and he said he was sure Julian would be glad to have his four stepsiblings there. I wanted to ask him, "Um, are you planning on buying their tickets?" Because I wasn't planning on 1) having J's stepsiblings as the only party guests (if his dad is thinking the five tickets are for five kids total, instead of for the two s and three kids we'd thought of), or 2) shelling out a good bit extra for tickets and food for four more guests (if I'm paying that much, I might as well go to Pump It Up). Not sure how exactly I'll address this with his dad, especially as I know Julian will be invited to the joint party for his three younger stepsiblings (who all have July birthdays).

And along those lines, if we do go with the water park idea, would it be tacky to put a note in the invitation to this effect for parents: "We will be meeting at the front gate at such-and-such time. You are welcome to drop your child off and return at such-and-such time, when we will be at the front gate preparing to leave, or if you would like to attend with your child, you are welcome to purchase your own ticket." I have no problem with parents either dropping off or coming with, but I wouldn't want parents to think we were paying for their tickets. That would REALLY get expensive in a hurry, even if it were only for two or three parents.

Money may not buy happiness, but a little more of it could sure reduce some stress.

I read this post at Her Bad Mother, and it helped me think a bit about our financial situation.

On the surface, you'd think we should be doing OK. Brian and I both work full-time. Sure, a little bit more salary would be nice, and I'd like to see an occasional raise or bonus (but I figure there's probably not a lot of chance, given the industry I work in and the degree of government involvement there these days), but looking at it on paper, it would seem like we'd be all right, like we could make ends meet.

Yet somehow that doesn't seem to happen. It seems like each month we're scraping to make it, to get everything paid, and that's before we've had to add daycare expenses to the mix (diapers and formula and medical bills, yes, but daycare won't kick in for a few weeks yet). And now we're finding ourselves in the position of having to start shopping for a new vehicle. My car is in good shape, but the van isn't so much. It still runs well, but it's got 125,000 miles on it, it's got some electrical quirks, and one of the wheels on one of the side doors broke last week - it vibrated open while Brian was driving, and that just won't do, especially not with kids who ride in the back seats. Where will the money come from for a car payment on top of everything else? Beats me. We're behind on the house note, don't know where funds will come from to catch that up, and it seems like each month it gets a little harder to stay current on things - even with both of us working full-time.

I don't ever feel like God drops the clue brick on my head too often. I can't point to many things and say, "Hey, God really convicted me of this, and I got the message from Him loud and clear." Tithing is one of the things where I did get a message. Before Brian was working, we decided to pick a number to give as our tithe and stick to it, even if it wasn't the full 10%. When he started at his previous job, we decided at first to tithe the full 10% from his paycheck and stick to the same amount from mine, which was a pretty scary number to us given that his paycheck wasn't that much to begin with. I don't remember exactly when it happened, but one day it hit me - either we trusted God all the way or not at all, and if we trusted Him all the way, we needed to tithe the full 10% no matter how much it scared us or how impossible it might seem. Since then, we've been faithful to give that 10%, even though there are plenty of times when I'm tempted to keep it for us to use (never mind that, in the grand scheme of things, it's not like that would accomplish anything big - it wouldn't be enough to pay our house note for one month, much less catch it up, it wouldn't pay for a month of daycare, it wouldn't pay off my car or get us a new one). I know blessings don't always come in the form of money, but right now things are seeming pretty dire on the financial front, and it's certainly nothing I can fix in my own strength. I find myself singing this song in my head a lot:

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way,
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me,
He will be my guide,
Hold me closely to His side,
With love and strength
For each new day,
He will make a way,
He will make a way.

God is going to have to make a way on this one, because we simply don't have the resources at our command to fix things (short of a death in the family, and we don't want that - we'd much prefer to keep our loved ones with us, thankyouverymuch). I feel helpless, I'm having a hard time with that trust thing, I'm feeling like somehow I've failed my family by the choices I've made or not made, I'm feeling like I must have failed God and gotten far afield of His plan for things to be going so badly. And sometimes I even feel a little resentful. This afternoon we were driving back from doing some vehicle shopping, and we went through a really nice part of a nearby town, the area by the country club where the houses cost more than I'll ever see in my lifetime and where the subdivisions have a list of "approved builders", so you know they're really pretty hoity-toity. I told Brian that I don't care about living the high life, I'm not interested in a million-dollar home or a new luxury car, I just want to stay in my house, fix it up for my family, drive a nice reliable car, have money to pay the bills without it being down to the wire all the time (or even a few dollars short), be able to do the occasional fun thing like a family vacation, and maybe do some good for others that we don't feel like we have the resources to do now. If I wanted to live high on the hog, I can see God telling me, "no, you're just being greedy now, you can't have that" - but I don't, and I sometimes find myself thinking, "God, are we asking for that much that it's not something You feel like we need, enough to not be constantly stressed over and struggling with money?" I've wondered before if being a person of faith, someone who trusts God to provide and meet your needs, has to be inconsistent with any kind of financial stability or security, if those two are mutually exclusive and you have to be one or the other. I don't know if that's the case, but some days it sure feels like it.

And gosh, it seems like I had a very similar conversation with myself back in September. Things haven't gotten better, really, in almost a year. Bright Blessings hasn't taken off, I haven't found a job that will give me a fat pay raise, we haven't won the lotto. Still, we're being as faithful as we know how to be, and I do know God has a plan. Right now, though, I'm just really, really scared. I want to know how things will work out and when, and I'm having a hard time with the trusting and waiting part.

Getting rid of fifty things

I've been trying to make my breakfast nook into a space for my Bright Blessings supplies, and finally decided it was time to get serious. Here's the before:



I lost count of how many things I threw away, but it had to be more than fifty. It's not complete just yet, but here are the results so far:



I've learned that I need to just give things a good throwing away as I go, rather than letting them pile up, and that my mother was right when she said it was easier to just keep it clean all along.

Trust

I love this picture of Rhys. He's sound asleep, stretched out on my chest, not a care in the world. He has nothing but confidence that mama and daddy will meet his needs and take care of him.

A couple of weeks ago, I got this from Internet Cafe Devotions. It reads:

As he walked across the stage to sit down the picture painted a thousand words in my mind. Scott McEntyre, a blind contestant on American Idol, had to be guided through every step. He had no choice. It was his life.

What if we were like Scott?

What if we were that dependent?

Would life look different?

If you could not see one step in front of you, would you wait on someone to guide you or would you feel your way on your own?

Jesus waited for His every step from the One who saw the big picture. He knew He was not to lean on His own understanding.

It's a lost art in this day and age. We are taught to figure things out, get it right, take care of ourselves. Self-reliance is affirmed in the world around us. Do we really have any clue what it means to be totally dependent on anyone?

My daughter is getting married. The truth is we don't have enough money to cover all the expenses. We know God will provide. We've already seen Him cover things in unexpected ways. She's happy to have what He has for her, but sometimes we both feel the pressure to figure it all out.

She came to talk about the wedding cake. It's easy for her to bring the costs to her dad and I, after all we look like the ones who are supposed to have answers. I could feel the tension mounting inside me to come up with a way to cover the expense, when Jesus spoke to me.

"Jewel, tell her to come to me with each detail of this wedding, first." "Tell her I have a cake picked out for her, one I will provide for." "Tell her to ask me to let her fall in love with the one I've chosen for her." "Tell her to give it to me to cover." "She's looking to you and David." "You are not her resource, I am." "Teach her to depend on Me." "Oh and by the way, you need to remember too."

Jesus knows the path of trust. He was not self-reliant. He didn't have to come up with the answers. He knew God had the answers to life around Him. He knew the Father had His needs figured out and would cover them. He didn't fret or struggle to make it all happen. He waited to be covered. He spoke what the Father told Him to speak. He went where the Father told Him to go. He said what the Father told Him to say. Dependence was a way of life for Him.

Why do I not think life should be the same for me?

He speaks to me again. "Do not lean on your own understanding, Jewel." "In all your ways acknowledge Me. "Look to Me in all things, big and small. I will direct your path. I never meant for you to lean on yourself. I made you lean on Me." "I've got your covered."

He knows the path. He knows the answers. He has it all cared for. Whose understanding will I lean on? Mine or His? One will carry the burden, the other will relieve it.

It's pretty simple to understand, yet hard to live. Jesus asks me to live what He lived. Rely on the Father alone. Don't look to myself. Don't try to figure things out.

In those moments of blindness my need for dependence is great. I cannot see. I have no choice. I must be led. Need invites dependence. Dependence leads to life.

He's familiar with all my ways. Every detail is cared for by the One who ordained my life. It's was the path of Jesus. It's the path He wants for me. Self-reliance will kill me, while dependence will bring me life. Jesus knew this. He chose the path of life. It is there I will find Him. It's where He walked. It's where He now waits to walk with me.

Laying aside my world's entanglements I choose to stand in my blindness and wait. I know He is there. I feel His touch. I hear His voice. Rest permeates my body as I lean into Him knowing; He's been waiting for me. He's got me covered.

What about you? Is your immediate response to turn to Him or to try to figure it out? Is dependence more familiar to you or self-reliance?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge (look to) Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3: 5 & 6

This really spoke to me. Really trusting, really being dependent on God, is something that doesn't come easily for me. It seemed to be a lot easier when I was younger - not sure what happened along the way, but that childlike faith is hard for me to come by. I'm much more of the self-reliance school of thought. When there's a problem, I tend to think, "What can *I* do to fix this?" I struggle to find a balance between trusting God to lead me, to provide for me, to help me, and doing what I can to fix a situation. I don't think God expects us to sit idly by just expecting that a solution will fall into our hands, but I do need to be reminded often that He can and does work in unexpected ways. I want to lay my worries before God, confident that He has a plan for me and that He will work things out in His time and according to that plan, just like Rhys is able to fall asleep on my chest, knowing that next time he needs food, it will be there, and knowing he is loved. Some days (more days than not) it takes a conscious effort on my part to let go of the worries and fears I insist on carrying around for myself and insist on repeatedly trying to take back from God, but on those days I do really let go and trust, what a blessing that is.

Menu Plan Monday - May 18-24

It's time for another menu plan!

Monday, May 18 - Unstuffed Cabbage Rolls, Redstone Restaurant Famous Cornbread with Maple Butter (the plan changed last week and this didn't get made, so we're doing it this week!)
Tuesday, May 19 - Breakfast for dinner!
Wednesday, May 20 - Easy Crock Pot Pork Chops, calabacitas
Thursday, May 21 - Chicken cashew stir-fry
Friday, May 22 - Fajitas
Saturday, May 23 - Something from the freezer
Sunday, May 24 - Dinner out (by this point, I figure I'll be ready for a break!)

One month old today

Rhys is one month old today.





I can't believe it's been a month already since he was born. Already he's grown and changed so much. Brian said that in true Terry Pratchett fashion, Rhys said his first word tonight - "ook". LOL He'll be working on actual words before we know it, and starting school, and asking to borrow the car keys. I'm trying to cherish the baby days, even the ones that may be a bit difficult to cherish (like the ones where he's awake for several hours at a time, screaming his little head off because he's so tired, but unwilling to give it up and sleep - those are days where I'm just thankful the long wakeful stretches aren't in the middle of the night). He won't be little forever.

Happy one month, little man. I love you.

Belated thoughts on Mother's Day

I meant to post on Sunday, but you know how time gets away from you with a new baby in the house!

We went to church on Sunday, and I was pleasantly surprised to receive these:



I was the newest mom there, the one who'd given birth most recently. Once they announced the category, I didn't figure anyone who'd given birth less than three weeks previously would be at church that day. LOL I'm hoping to plant them in the front yard and keep them as a permanent reminder.

Of course, it being Mother's Day and all, I was thinking of my mom:



That's the two of us on the day I married Julian's dad, December 31, 1994. She passed away unexpectedly on January 10, 1995, at the age of 64, and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. The pain isn't sharp like it was fourteen years ago, and I don't cry every time something reminds me of her, but so many times I've wished she were here to see her grandsons, to give me advice (which I would gleefully have rejected out of hand when I was younger, and now I'd love the chance to tell her, "yes, Mama, you were right"!), to fuss at me because my house isn't presentable enough and then to help me straighten it up.

And of course I had to consider my own motherly blessings:





I'm not sure what I've done to deserve two wonderful boys (and they are wonderful, even when homework is a challenge and bedtime isn't as early as I'd like and there are piles of laundry to do and lots of diapers to be changed and general chaos in the house), but I'm very thankful for them both.

Menu Plan Monday - May 11-17

It's Menu Plan Monday again! I've tweaked the menu just a bit since my last post about menu planning. I've got to get back into the habit of doing this. It makes grocery shopping so much easier and evenings so much less hectic. So here's our menu for the upcoming week.

Monday, May 11 - Tuscan Chicken with White Beans (from Super Suppers)
Tuesday, May 12 - Spaghetti Squash and Chicken Bake
Wednesday, May 13 - Red beans and rice with sausage
Thursday, May 14 - Beef enchiladas with sour cream sauce
Friday, May 15 - Breakfast for dinner - pancakes or waffles (depending on our mood), bacon, scrambled eggs
Saturday, May 16 - Unstuffed Cabbage Rolls, Redstone Restaurant Famous Cornbread with Maple Butter
Sunday, May 17 - Cashew Chicken Curry

5 Joys of Parenting

Christy tagged me with this, and I've only just now found it! Right now we've got a small boy who spent a good chunk of the afternoon asleep in the car seat as we ran errands, and now he won't stay awake if we hold him but won't sleep in his crib or anywhere else, so it's a good time for me to remind myself of some things I love about parenting.

1. Spontaneous expressions of affection. Julian is six now, and I know the day will come when he thinks he's too cool for Mama to hug and kiss him, and when he'd rather swallow nails than tell me he loves me, especially if he thinks anyone might overhear. So when he tells me out of the blue, "Mama, I love you!", that just makes my whole day. And he's not too big yet to give me kisses - I took lunch to him at school yesterday, and he gave me a goodbye kiss in front of all his friends. Those spontaneous expressions of affection, given simply because that's how he feels, make up for all the sleepless nights and homework struggles and frustrations that also come with the parenting territory.

2. Watching them learn. Rhys isn't doing a whole lot yet other than eat, sleep, and poop, but Julian learns and changes all the time. When he was a baby, it was so much fun watching him discover that hey, these wiggly things are attached to ME, and look, I can make them move! When he was learning to move around, he didn't crawl first, he scooted on his butt. It was such a joy seeing him figure out that now he didn't need mama to get him from one place to the other. And it thrills me when he realizes, hey, I can do something new by MYSELF!, be it learning how to snap snaps and button buttons or moving up a level in reading or learning to add two-column numbers or taking pictures with the digital camera. OK, I'll admit the trend toward independence also makes me a little misty around the edges, because it means he's growing up and getting closer to the day where he doesn't *need* mama's help anymore, but still. It's a good thing, and he's so excited with himself when he accomplishes something new, how can that not make me happy? I'm so blessed now to have another opportunity to watch a sweet boy learn and grow, too, and I look forward to seeing Rhys reach milestones as he gets bigger.

3. Reading! I'm an avid reader, have been since I was very young. One thing I really wanted to pass on to my kids was my love of the written word. Julian isn't quite as fond of reading as I was - I was never without a book in my hand, and he'd just as soon play video games as anything else. But he does like to read, and we always read stories at bedtime. We read his books, and I'm also introducing him to some of my childhood favorites, like The Phantom Tollbooth (and some more recent favorites, like the Harry Potter books). He's started asking to read stories to Rhys, and I'm hopeful that they'll both grow up to appreciate books, if not quite as much as I do, at least enough to where they'll always enjoy the chance to read a good book from time to time.

4. The chance to play. As an alleged grown-up, I find it far too easy to get caught up in the whirl of "things that need my attention" - the laundry, the dishwashing, the bills to be paid, the car maintenance that has to get done, what have you. There are times Julian wants to play, and he won't take no for an answer. He's not concerned about all that grown-up nonsense, he just wants me to spend time with him. So we'll play Lego Batman on the Wii, or go outside and hit a baseball, or play space rangers and shoot imaginary bad guys, or squirt each other with water guns. And for just a little while, I can reconnect with the part of me that still remembers what playtime is like and wishes there was more of it in daily life.

5. Childlike faith. I grew up in the Baptist church, and became a Christian at the age of eight. Now that I'm older, it often seems that childlike faith was a lot easier to have when I was, well, a child. It was easy to say when I was a child, "God will take care of me" and deep-down believe it. Julian brings that back to me. He doesn't question it at all that God isn't visible to our eyes - it's just how things are for him that we see God with our hearts, and that He's always there, and that He hears us when we pray. It reminds me to take time to nurture my own spiritual life, to refresh my heart and my faith, and to remember that yes, God does hear us when we pray, even if His answers may not be the ones we want to hear or given according to our timeframe.

I'm going to tag Celeste, Melissa, Bethany, and Jenn. Y'all have fun with it!

Getting back on the menu planning train

I know it's not Menu Plan Monday yet, but I need to get back in the swing of things. So I'm jotting down my menu plan for the next couple of weeks as I plan my grocery shopping trip for today. I'm going to start with Monday, as we'll probably just wing it with leftovers this weekend and play clean out the fridge. (Please note: the planned meals may sometimes be replaced with dishes from Super Suppers, for those days when I just don't feel like putting any effort into cooking!) And yes, we will be adding veggies and sides, but I'll just be making those up as we go.

Monday, May 11 - Spaghetti Squash and Chicken Bake
Tuesday, May 12 - Tuna, Macaroni and Cheese Casserole
Wednesday, May 13 - Red beans and rice with sausage
Thursday, May 14 - Beef enchiladas with sour cream sauce
Friday, May 15 - Unstuffed Cabbage Rolls, Redstone Restaurant Famous Cornbread with Maple Butter
Saturday, May 16 - Homemade pizzas
Sunday, May 17 - Cashew Chicken Curry

Monday, May 18 - Beef Mushroom Stroganoff
Tuesday, May 19 - Breakfast for dinner!
Wednesday, May 20 - Easy Crock Pot Pork Chops
Thursday, May 21 - Chicken cashew stir-fry
Friday, May 22 - Fajitas
Saturday, May 23 - Something from the freezer
Sunday, May 24 - Dinner out (by this point, I figure I'll be ready for a break!)

Just feeling overwhelmed

Not so much with newborn stuff, per se. Rhys is doing quite well for being less than a month old. My only real gripe is that he tends to have a longish stretch of being awake (and fussy) late in the day, at the same time I'm usually trying to get Julian settled. Julian has a hard time settling and sleeping if Rhys is crying, and in the late evening, Rhys usually is crying. I'm feeling especially anxious this evening, as Brian went back to choir practice and this is my first time to handle bedtime for both boys by myself. I'm worried that no one will be in bed and I'll be ready to drink heavily by the time Brian gets home.

I also find myself worrying about finances. We've been tithing faithfully for several months now, and I know God promises to meet our needs if we are faithful to Him. And thus far, no needs have gone unmet. Sometimes they're met at the last minute and with a whole lot of pinching and scraping and scrambling, but they've been met. Now we're adding all the expenses of a new baby to the household - diapers, formula, daycare once my maternity leave is over. We're always cutting it fine just before payday, and I find myself wondering where the money will come from. I'm not sure what else we can cut from our budget, and I guess I'll have to get better with using coupons and finding ways to economize on things we need. I'm trying to keep the faith here, but it scares me. I feel like I've been chasing my tail financially ever since I married Julian's dad, because once we got married, things just went downhill, and I'm still trying to dig my way out from that. But I know God had a plan when He blessed us with Rhys, and I can't believe He'd give Rhys to us and not provide a way for us to make ends meet. It just makes me nervous not knowing what that way may be, and it makes me more nervous given that Brian and I both have full-time employment already, and I know not to expect any raises or bonuses at my job. It also seems like any financial news is always negative, like the fact that Brian will owe $500 and change for his new CPAP machine. Sure, we can pay it out over time, but it's one more thing to add to the list of People We Owe Money To, and it feels like that list just never seems to get any shorter, you know? Just once, I wish financial news would be good, like "you've won enough in the lotto to pay off your house note". I'm not greedy, we don't have to win the Mega Millions jackpot - I'd be thrilled if we did win just enough to pay off the house note.

And then there's the whole job situation. I like my job well enough most days. I like my manager, he's a good guy. I like my co-workers. Hate my commute, hate the fact that it takes me away from home for pretty much twelve hours out of every day, but it is what it is. I just don't think I'm truly suited for corporate America, and it kills me to have to tell Julian (and knowing that one day I'll be telling Rhys), "I'm sorry, sweetie, Mama can't come to such-and-such at school because I have to work." And while I do like my job well enough, it's just that - a job. I'm fairly competent at it, but I'm not passionate about it. I can't fathom having a job I'm passionate about. I can't even think of anything that I'm passionate about that would ever come close to making me any money. I guess I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, and not having much success. I'd make a change if I could think of something to change to. But I've likely been out of the legal arena long enough to disqualify myself from most legal jobs, and honestly, there are a lot of jobs in the legal arena that I wouldn't want anyway. I'd love something closer to home, but the options just aren't here - not that I know of, anyway. I'd really love to find something that would allow me to work from home, but I can't think of anything that 1) would replace my current salary, and 2) wouldn't require me to invest time and money (both of which are currently in short supply) in further education/certification/something to get started on a different path. I find myself wondering what I was thinking when I made the choices I did when I was younger, how might things be different had I chosen differently, and sometimes (like right now) it just makes me want to cry.

Then there's my own personal wallow in the pity pit. I've mentioned Bright Blessings before - it's my little sideline/expensive hobby, on hold for now until I feel like I can maybe make a decent showing of it. I've still got my Etsy shop, but haven't sold anything recently. I'm on a couple of boards that deal with, among other things, bath and beauty-type stuff, and I see people starting their Etsy shops all the time and selling things like gangbusters. I find myself wondering something similar to what Melinda wondered here - is my fairly significant lack of success God's way of trying to tell me I'm spinning my wheels trying to ever make anything of Bright Blessings, either on my own site or on Etsy? I see others succeeding where I have not, or at least making a reasonably good showing of their businesses, and I find myself thinking that I must be doing something wrong. I like making candles and scrubs and what have you, and when people have ordered in the past, they seemed to like what they got. Bright Blessings has just never taken off, really. So that's rolling around in my head, too.

I'll have to post later and share some happy things, since I've been such a Debbie Downer here. I just needed to get it all off my chest.

Cupcakes for Mother's Day!

It's another tasty giveaway from I Never Grew Up! The giveaway is for a dozen cupcakes from Cupcake Chic. Just looking at their flavor list makes me drool - chocolate cake with mocha buttercream frosting, buttermilk cake with cinnamon cream cheese frosting, dark chocolate cake with coconut cream cheese frosting? Mmmm, sign me up!

Hop on over and sign up!

Rhys is here, and we're home!

Rhys Daniel was born on April 17, 2009 at 8:32 AM. He weighed 8 lb. 10 oz. and was 20.5 inches long. (For comparison, Julian weighed 8 lb. 8 oz. and was 20.25 inches long. Pretty close, huh?) He came out screaming - no question that his lungs worked! LOL We were in the hospital until Monday, April 20, and then we came home. A few pictures for your viewing enjoyment:


I die of the cuteness.


Yep, my lungs work!


Bonding with Daddy.


Ready to go home.


Daddy loves me!


"What is this, and did I say you could bring it home?"


Hanging out in my crib.


First bath - not crazy about the idea.


Mmm, fingers! Tasty!

I'm still moving a bit slowly, but getting better. I have my first follow-up with my doctor on May 4. I'll be able to drive by then, woo! (I had to laugh - I told Julian I wouldn't be able to drive for two weeks, and he looked at me with this astounded expression on his face and said, "Well, who'll be able to do it, then?!" LOL I reminded him that Brian could drive, too.) I'll be glad when I can sleep comfortably on my side again.

Brian's mom came to stay for the better part of a week. It was wonderful having the help, and Rhys got to spend time with Nana. I know she loved that!

Rhys had his first doctor's appointment last Friday. He's up to 8 lb. 13 oz., and he handled the whole check-up thing pretty well. So far he's been a pretty laid-back kid. He actually sat in his bouncy seat for a while one day, just content to hang out. Vastly different from Julian, who wanted nothing other than mama to pack him around all the time. I joked that I felt like I was neglecting Rhys because I wasn't holding him constantly! LOL

He has had a couple of fussy days, most notably last night, that have made us think we may be better off going with soy-based formula. Julian had to have the soy as well, and last night was such a screamfest and so out of character for Rhys' normal demeanor (I know, I know, hard to judge "normal" after only eight days, and newborns are subject to change without notice) that we figured the soy was worth a try. It's seemed to help so far, which is good - it just hurt my heart to hear him screaming last night and not to be able to figure out anything to help him or to make things better.

I'm off work until July 10. I'm sure it will fly right by, and I'll be back to work before I know it. So I'm going to try to cherish every minute of this time with Rhys.

We're outta here!

It's baby day! Good thoughts and prayers are appreciated, and I'll post when I'm home!

T minus one.

This time tomorrow, I'll be at the hospital. My c-section will be underway. And tomorrow, I'll become the mom to two kids. Yikes.

I'm not ready to have two kids! The last couple of days with the one I have have taxed me almost beyond belief. I guess it's too late to change my mind, huh? LOL I joke. We're excited about Rhys's arrival (although I'm more nervous about the c-section this time, since I've had a whole lot more time to think about it). I just know it's going to be an adjustment for us all (and probably an especially difficult one for Julian, since he's been the center of attention for six years now), and I'm really not looking forward to that part.

Fahrenheit 350 giveaway

I'd never heard of Fahrenheit 350 before, until I came across this giveaway at I Never Grew Up. One lucky winner will get all these goodies, courtesy of Fahrenheit 350:

Half pound Pecan Sweet Log
Half Pound Chocolate Pecan Sweet Log
Half Pound Walnut Sweet Log
8oz Caramel Sweet Sauce
8oz Chocolate Sweet Sauce
8oz Toasted Coconut Sweet Sauce
One pound bag of Caramel Sweet Treats

Now, I don't know about you, but I could mess up a chocolate pecan sweet log! Go check out Fahrenheit 350's site for more delectable goodies, and stop by I Never Grew Up to enter the giveaway.

Nine days

And counting. Yikes.

I hurt. I'm all bunchy in the middle when I get up and move around, I've felt this way most of the day. I don't think it's anything significant in the grand scheme of things - I'm guessing it's just Braxton-Hicks, certainly not like I need to hop up and head to the hospital right away. It's just uncomfortable and that makes me cranky. And now I'm running a fever? 99.4, so just enough to make me feel crappy. Yay. I just think it would be funny if this were some kind of precursor to actual labor, given 1) that my body did absolutely nothing on its own with Julian, and he didn't come out until the doctor made him, and 2) I have a c-section scheduled in nine days. I have my appointment tomorrow at 1:30, we'll see what my doc has to say. If I can just make it through Friday, I'll be off work until July 10.

The hospital where I'll be delivering called this afternoon, saying they had me as a private pay because they couldn't verify my benefits?! I sent the paperwork in weeks ago. I gave them all my insurance information again, and made sure they had my cell number to get in touch with me if something else isn't right. I'm glad they called, and I know I've got insurance, but that's not a call you really want to get nine days before you deliver - "hey, do you have insurance, because we show you're paying for this yourself". !!!! Good that they called rather than just sending me a big honkin' bill afterward.

We have more crops in the garden - cucumbers are starting to come up, as are both our yellow and zucchini squashes. The lettuces are running rampant, and it will be nice to have our own very fresh salad once they're up. The sugar snaps are doing well, and the green beans are starting to come up, too. Our Roma tomato plant is holding its own, but the other one gave in to strong winds. We replaced it, but the wind just won't die down. If it would, that other tomato and our pepper plants might stand a chance. The onions are thriving, too. How exactly do you know when an onion is ready to harvest?

I am Rotunda the Large

That's what I feel like these days, anyway! Sixteen days until baby Rhys makes his big debut.

I'm uncomfortable today, but I never went into anything like labor on my own with Julian, so I wouldn't know if I'd recognize anything as "meaningful" or if this is just the aches and pains of pregnancy combined with being an old skeezer. LOL I've got lots of groin-area pain when I get up and move around. It usually eases up once I've gotten moving, though. I just feel vaguely squirmy and fidgety and out of sorts. Makes it hard to concentrate at work, even though I've got a goal in mind for the afternoon. That sucks.

I did have to laugh, though. When I went for my appointment yesterday, the nurse asked if I was having any contractions. I said I didn't think so, but being as how I never actually went into labor with Julian, I wasn't sure I'd know a contraction if it bit me on the nose. It probably doesn't help that my pain tolerance is pretty high, so something that someone else might feel and know, "OMG, that's a big painful contraction", I might just think "Ow, that's uncomfortable, let's move around and see if it goes away." There's no rhyme or reason to the timing, though, so I seriously doubt any of this is any kind of contraction or "progress". It's just all aches and pains designed to make me good and whiny and more than ready for my c-section when it's time!

My health is still good, and I'm thankful for that. I did decide to take off Monday through Thursday the week of my c-section. By that point, I'm pretty sure I won't want to be bothered with getting dressed and dragging myself in to work.

In garden news: We have crops! Our lettuces and beets have started growing. We lost a couple of plants (one of the tomatoes and our mild jalapeno) to some windy/rainy weather, but we can replant those. It's just so exciting to see something sprouting that we planted with our own hands.