Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Would I feel better if I felt worse?

I'm just out of sorts today. Grumpy, surly, little-black-rain-cloud out of sorts. I want to go hide and be by myself until the feeling passes. And I think worry is at the root of it. I feel mostly OK from a physical standpoint - no queasiness-that's-not-quite-nausea, no heartburn, no insane tiredness (still tired, but not so much that I can barely function, which is how I've been the past few days), no growing/stretchy pains. In short, nothing that would really tell me I'm pregnant. And since I feel fairly decent, I worry. I'm scared to death that something has gone wrong, that I'll go to my appointment next week and my doctor will tell me the baby has stopped growing, that it's over. I don't want that. This baby may have been a bit of a surprise, but he or she is already very much loved and wanted, and I want to go next week and be told everything is just fine. I want it to be next week right now. I guess I'd feel better mentally if I felt worse physically, silly as that sounds.

Brian will be home this evening, so that's good news! I think his shift ended at 1:00, but he said he'd have debriefing, and he wasn't sure if that would be before or after he officially got off shift. I'm sure he'll call or send me a message when he's on the road.

J has had a couple of rough days at school - talking, getting up out of his seat, making shadow pictures in front of the projector, that sort of thing. I wonder how much of this has to do with the difference in teachers, how free they were to move around in kindergarten vs. how much his new teacher expects them to stay seated. He also got into trouble for yelling in another student's face. He said the boy punched him first, and I told him that if that happened, he was better off telling the teacher rather than yelling back. (If he took a punch at someone who punched him first, he wouldn't get into more trouble at home, but I'm not telling him that yet.) Hopefully today will be better. He's also going to be part of the PAL program, where younger kids are assigned to a high school student who's taking part in the program as a big brother/big sister. I hope that he'll get someone assigned to him who can be a good role model for him.

Is it 5:00 yet?

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