It's always something

Yesterday I wrote a whole long post about it being enough that God cares, that He never promised to fix all our problems or make life easy, but He does care and promises never to leave us, and that's enough. And then things just keep on coming.

Julian's teacher e-mailed me yesterday. We'd been talking about his difficulties in class, and she had asked about getting the counselor involved. I said that was fine, as I know we all want to see him do well in school, and I'd take suggestions from whatever corner they were offered. He's had a real hard time in school discipline-wise, and I think part of it because Brian is away at work, and that's causing some fears and anxieties that he's having a hard time managing. Well, his teacher and the counselor reviewed his Connor's surveys from last year, and they both feel like Julian exhibits many ADHD tendencies (last year it was just hyperactivity and impulsivity, and that not high enough on the scale to warrant a formal diagnosis). His teacher said that Brian being away may be affecting him, but that he has trouble focusing every day, and there's no real difference in that whether Brian is away or at home. She said she feels like Julian is a very intelligent young man, but that this lack of ability to focus on his work is beginning to affect his performance at school.

I sat at my desk at work yesterday afternoon and tried not to cry. I felt like the worst mom in the world, 1) for not doing more to follow up after we talked to the counselor at his school last year, and 2) for not realizing how very bad it had gotten. I've asked the teacher if she and/or the counselor can give me something in writing that I can take to his pediatrician, and we'll follow up with her. I guess the next step would be to consult with a psychologist, to see if he is at a level where he'd be formally diagnosed, or at least get some ideas for what to try next. I'm not crazy about the idea of medication, but if that's what it takes, I know it can make a world of difference once you've found the right medication and the right dose. My heart just hurts for Julian, trying all this time to do the right thing and just not really being able to do it. He's told me lately that his brain just won't let him pay attention, and I guess it really won't. So that was one thing.

Then there's the garage door. We got ready to leave this morning, and the door only opens about 1/3 of the way and stops. I can't get it to move now, not even releasing the catch and trying to do it by hand. Something is hung up, and hung up good, to where it won't budge. We can't get the van out of the garage, and we're not close enough to work or school to walk. So we're at home right now. The door can be repaired, for a price (yay, more money I don't have that needs to be spent). If the repair guy gets here in time, I'm hoping Julian can make it for part of the school day. Me, I'm giving work a miss. It's not worth the expense in gas and parking for me to go up there for half a day. What a thing to burn a vacation day on, huh?

So, the hits just keep on coming. Money for an eye appointment. Money for a garage door repair. Money for whatever help Julian needs with his behavior issues. I know money can't buy happiness, but it sure seems like having enough of it to go around would make things a little easier.

I'm praying a LOT today. And I'm going to make fudge. Prayer and chocolate have to make things better, right?

Lord, I Hope This Day Is Good

This song by Don Williams came up on shuffle on my iTunes, and it just fits my current mood so well:

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feeling empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord, I hope this day is good

Lord, have you forgotten me
I've been prayin' to you faithfully
I'm not saying I'm a righteous man
But Lord, I hope you understand
I don't need fortune and I don't need fame
Send down the thunder, Lord, send down the rain
But when you're planning just how it will be
Plan a good day for me

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feeling empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord, I hope this day is good

You've been the King since the dawn of time
All that I'm asking is a little less cryin'
It might be hard for the devil to do
But it would be easy for you

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feeling empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord, I hope this day is good

9 weeks, 1 day

In all the whinefest, I forgot to update about my first OB visit on Thursday!

It went well. I love my doc. He's a fairly soft-spoken man with a dry, dry sense of humor, and I'm glad we can both joke about things and also talk seriously about things that need to be addressed. I'm forever indebted to the friend who gave me his name when my former OB retired back when I was pregnant with Julian.

Anyway, the visit. His first comment to me was, "Oh, no, you're pregnant." I said, yeah, that was pretty much my first reaction when I saw the test. LOL I lost a lot of blood with Julian's delivery, so he was doing a lot of joking about needing his nitroglycerine pills for this go-round and scheduling my c-section this time and then making sure he wasn't on the on-call rotation. I can laugh because I know he'll take good care of me and the little bit, and if I didn't believe that, I'd change doctors in a second. Turns out the baby is measuring 9 weeks, 1 day - a bit farther along than I'd figured. (Hey, look, my kid is precocious already!) I got to see the heartbeat, and the baby was squirming around in there just fine and dandy. So that reassured me a lot. (I worry - I'm 40, I'm a fat chick, and there are all sorts of things that can go wrong.)

My doc asked me if I wanted to do any prenatal testing, given the higher odds for something to go wrong at my age. I said I do want to go ahead with it, because if there's anything out of the ordinary to be prepared for, then I want to be prepared. Test results wouldn't cause us to terminate the pregnancy, but if our baby were to have, say, Downs syndrome, I'd want to plan ahead for that. So he'll recommend tests and I can accept or refuse, as I feel is appropriate. (This is another thing I love about my doc - he'll make recommendations, but if it's not something he feels is essential, he's not going to push me to do it. He doesn't have his own agenda to push.)

My next appointment is October 23, and we'll get to hear the heartbeat then. Should be exciting!

Lying

This is another topic weighing heavily on my mind. Julian is with Kevin this weekend, and he'd told Kevin he had a blue day at school (the best kind) and gotten a sticker. This is something easily verified - all either of us has to do is look in Julian's folder that comes home from school and see if there's a sticker on the calendar for that day. Kevin looked at the folder, and not only was there a sticker, but there were notes from the teacher. Julian continues to struggle with things like talking out of turn and playing when he should be listening. So Kevin called me to give me the heads up and to tell me that he and Julian had a little talk about the importance of honesty.

The problem is not that Julian got into a little trouble in class. This happens. He's a chatty kid, and he's got a hard time turning it off. Brian said he was the same way in the early years of school, and that it took him until second grade or so to figure out that he needed to be still and listen in class rather than be running his mouth. No, the problem is that Julian told his father a bald-faced lie about it. To my knowledge, I've never told Julian a lie (OK, other than telling him I had no idea what Santa might bring him for Christmas). He's not seeing that behavior here at home. And for him to lie about something that's so easily verified bothers me. He told Kevin he lied because he was afraid he'd get into trouble for getting the note, and Kevin told him no, he wasn't upset about Julian getting a note from the teacher, but he was upset that Julian felt the need to be dishonest about it.

So, parents who are farther along the road in raising your kids and wiser than me, what's the best tack to take with this? Would the punishment be too far removed from the crime to have consequences for the lie here at home (I'm thinking of taking away Wii time, because that's the thing he loves more than anything)? He's six years old - is that old enough to connect what happened yesterday with what happens tomorrow when he gets back home? I don't want him to grow up thinking it's OK to lie to get out of trouble, and I'm just not sure how best to nip this in the bud now and help him realize that he can be honest with me, with Kevin, and with Brian about anything, that a lie will get him in more hot water than whatever the truth is.

Finances and faith

Warning: This probably sounds like a bunch of whining. And in part, I guess it is. If you can handle that, read on.

This is a topic that's been on my mind for quite a while. It's something Brian and I have discussed throughout our marriage, as we both feel strongly that tithing - giving back to God - is something we need to be committed to doing.

Last Sunday night, the pastor talked about, among other things, making time to be alone with God, and asking God to help you identify the areas in your life where He really wanted you to let go and let Him work. He talked about one of his own experiences, when he was the new pastor at our church a number of years ago, things were not going well, and he was concerned that the church would close its doors, or split, or somehow things would fall out that he'd be without a job with a wife and three kids to take care of. He realized that what he needed to let go of was his fear about provision and needs being met, and as he talked, I realized that that was something I really needed to let go of as well. I was the sole or primary breadwinner for my entire marriage to K, and I'm still the primary breadwinner now (although I am very, very thankful Brian is working!), so the responsibility of making sure family is taken care of has weighed heavily on my shoulders my entire working life. If bills aren't getting paid on time, I take it personally, I feel like *I've* failed somehow, like *I* haven't tried hard enough or pinched pennies enough or done enough to bring home the bacon. I wasn't raised to not pay my obligations in full and on time, and it upsets me when ends don't meet like I think they ought to. This is one really big area where I feel like God wants me to get out of the way and let Him work, and even now, I struggle with it.

I find myself trying to put a time limit on God, expecting Him to conform to my timetable and my agenda. Malachi 3:10 says, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." God doesn't tell us to test Him very often, but here, He does. So Brian and I will freely admit that yes, we're testing God. We've made our commitment to give, and we're doing it. And logically, I know what the pastor meant when he said that God promises to meet our needs, not to make us rich. But when things aren't getting paid on time, I begin to wonder. (I know, again logically and not emotionally, that the lack is with me and not with God - it's not that He doesn't keep His promises, it's that I don't keep the faith.) And hence, the struggle. I'm not feeling very blessed right now, not in the least, and I'm wrestling with what exactly it means to have faith that God will meet our needs. Does that mean constantly living on the financial edge, scraping from paycheck to paycheck, and just trusting that the money will be there to cover necessities and not much else? Do I have to have faith strong enough to trust that we can be balanced on the edge and not fall over, and is that what getting our needs met will mean for the rest of our lives? Somehow I can't imagine that that's what God meant. But right now, this is what I'm turning over and over in my head.

And on a slightly related but not-quite-identical note, there's Bright Blessings. I love making candles and scrubs and goodies. I enjoy it and I'm pretty decent at it, I think. I'm getting the word out in all the ways I know how and all the ways I can afford, and yet I'm not seeing a whole lot of growth. I'm on a couple of message boards where the chat about bath and body products is pretty prevalent, and I see people talking up what they've gotten and tried. It just seems like people seem to forget to mention when they've ordered from me. I've seen good reviews of my products, so I know people like them. I just don't seem to get the word of mouth that other companies do, and I can't figure out why. So, this leaves me wondering, should I just cut my losses and pack it in? Should I put up all my supplies for sale and take my website down and close my Etsy shop and be done with it? I know that right now, I could not handle a huge influx of orders - I know there are e-tailers who get a ton of business, and I'm not equipped to handle THAT much business right now. But a steady stream of orders would be nice, and just having people mention that they got the stuff they did order would be nice, too. I've been doing this for over a year now, and with the way things have been going, I'm honestly not sure it's worth my while to keep it up.

See, I said I was whining. I'm going to go wallow in the pity pit for a while with the lovely chocolate peanut butter cupcake from Sugar Dreams that my friend Kelly brought to me today.

80s music quiz

Go on, see how much time you wasted in the 80s with your Walkman on!

Ups and downs and odds and ends

J had good days on Thursday and Friday, and this week has been OK so far. He's barely hanging on to an "S" (satisfactory) as his conduct grade for the six weeks, though. So I made a deal with him. If he can keep up the good behavior and get the S in conduct this six weeks, we'll go to Game Stop and look at the used Wii games as a reward. We'll see if a little motivation can go a long way - he's got thirteen class days left in the six weeks.

Brian got his first paycheck on Saturday! Woo hoo! It was only about half of what he'll be getting regularly, but still - it was a welcome sight, and I know he's happy about contributing to the family income.

I'm a little out of sorts today. Part of it is because Brian left this morning for his eight-day shift. Part of it is because several of my friends are getting together for a few days, starting tomorrow, and I'm not going to be able to make it, and I'm sad. I've known these women online (although I've met a couple of them in real life) for several years now, and this is the third get-together I've missed, and it sucks. I wish I were going, but the money just wasn't in the budget, and even if it had been, I'd have had to give it a miss once Brian took the eight-on, six-off job. But even knowing logically that it wouldn't have worked out with Brian's new job, money notwithstanding, I'm really bummed. And once again I say, maybe next year.

I'm eight weeks now, give or take, and today the tiredness is kicking my butt. I'm fighting to stay awake at my desk, but I'm sorely tempted to just put my head down and take a nap. Of course, if I do, that will be the moment our big boss on-site chooses to walk down *this* row, so I'm resisting the urge (thus far). Most days I feel OK. Some days I feel pretty crappy, but there's been no throwing up, thank goodness. Some days I feel positively perky, and then I worry that something must be wrong. LOL My first official doctor's appointment is tomorrow, and I'm hoping for a good one.

Today, I got nothin'.

No witty title, that is.

Yesterday was another less-than-stellar day for J. The note from the teacher said she had to ask him ten times to sit down and do his classwork, and he didn't finish it. I told him he was lucky she didn't just wash her hands of it and send him to the office. So we had to finish the work at home last night. Oh, the drama. He screamed and cried and said it was too much and that he couldn't do it. And when he finally sat down and did it, it didn't take long at all.

I'm learning that J needs lots of hands-on attention with his work - he's not internally motivated like I was as a kid. He got through his work a lot quicker with me sitting there encouraging him and telling him he could do it. As he went, he saw that he was in fact doing it and then he probably could have finished it up on his own. But he needed that push, that encouragement from me to get started. How can I help him learn that he can do things, he just needs to jump in and start and keep on going until he's done?

I e-mailed his teacher today. I explained about Brian's job and the fact that he was due home this week, and said that perhaps that had something to do with why J has had such a hard time staying focused this week. I told her I appreciated her letting me know what's going on with him, and let her know we're working at home to address the issues as well. I don't want her thinking J's parents just let him run wild, and I want her to know that we can work together to help J do well in school. This is just so foreign to me. I would no more have gotten out of my seat in class when it wasn't time to do so than I would have jumped off the roof of the school. I hope I'm handling it OK.

In other news, I get to ring handbells! I'd signed up on a list expressing interest back in June, and the director of the advanced handbell choir called. They have two openings, and since they practice at 4:45 on Sundays and there are activities for the kids from 5:00 until 7:00 on Sundays, it looks like I'll give it a shot! I'm so excited. I love handbells, and the logistics of me ringing just didn't work out when I was single - J didn't want to go to Sunday school, and didn't want to sit by himself in the congregation during the times when we rang, so that didn't leave many options. (One time he came and sat by my feet behind the handbell tables while we rang.) But now that he's older, I'm hoping he'll be better able to be somewhere without me and make friends and give me a chance to do something I enjoy.

And Brian is home! Yay!!! He got home a bit after 8:00 last night. So, six more sleeps before he starts it all over again. He went to sub training this morning, and he said that given what he's doing now (working with middle school and high school kids with behavioral issues), he'll take middle school assignments as well as older elementary. Hopefully that will open the door to more sub work for him, and hopefully that will ultimately open the door to a job closer to home.

Would I feel better if I felt worse?

I'm just out of sorts today. Grumpy, surly, little-black-rain-cloud out of sorts. I want to go hide and be by myself until the feeling passes. And I think worry is at the root of it. I feel mostly OK from a physical standpoint - no queasiness-that's-not-quite-nausea, no heartburn, no insane tiredness (still tired, but not so much that I can barely function, which is how I've been the past few days), no growing/stretchy pains. In short, nothing that would really tell me I'm pregnant. And since I feel fairly decent, I worry. I'm scared to death that something has gone wrong, that I'll go to my appointment next week and my doctor will tell me the baby has stopped growing, that it's over. I don't want that. This baby may have been a bit of a surprise, but he or she is already very much loved and wanted, and I want to go next week and be told everything is just fine. I want it to be next week right now. I guess I'd feel better mentally if I felt worse physically, silly as that sounds.

Brian will be home this evening, so that's good news! I think his shift ended at 1:00, but he said he'd have debriefing, and he wasn't sure if that would be before or after he officially got off shift. I'm sure he'll call or send me a message when he's on the road.

J has had a couple of rough days at school - talking, getting up out of his seat, making shadow pictures in front of the projector, that sort of thing. I wonder how much of this has to do with the difference in teachers, how free they were to move around in kindergarten vs. how much his new teacher expects them to stay seated. He also got into trouble for yelling in another student's face. He said the boy punched him first, and I told him that if that happened, he was better off telling the teacher rather than yelling back. (If he took a punch at someone who punched him first, he wouldn't get into more trouble at home, but I'm not telling him that yet.) Hopefully today will be better. He's also going to be part of the PAL program, where younger kids are assigned to a high school student who's taking part in the program as a big brother/big sister. I hope that he'll get someone assigned to him who can be a good role model for him.

Is it 5:00 yet?

And what was that I said?

I believe I said this just a few weeks ago, on August 14:

Tying that in to the Lone Star interview - how funny would it be (and I don't mean funny ha-ha) if God, in His infinite wisdom, decided that now would be a perfect time for me to get pregnant? I think I'd pull my hair out. I'd be excited, and scared, and all that good stuff, but I'd pull my hair out in absolute frustration at the timing, especially if Brian gets the job. But again, I'll jump off that bridge if I get to it. I'm not there yet.

Well, I'm there. LOL Brian did indeed accept the Lone Star job, as it was the only one that offered and he needed a job (and we needed the paycheck). It's got its pros and cons, like any other job. Pros: it's a job, it's a paycheck, and Brian is excited about it. He feels like he may have more of an opportunity to make a difference in a child's life there than he would in a traditional classroom, and I know he's excited about not being limited by the approved curriculum of a traditional classroom setting. Cons: Well, it's three hours away, and he's gone for eight days at a time. Those are pretty big cons, but not big enough to outweigh the benefit of a paycheck. I did the single mom thing before, and I wasn't crazy about it then - it's even more of a challenge now when when I come home so tired that I can barely keep my head up. There were a couple of teaching positions that came open at the last minute, right before Brian had to make a decision on Lone Star, and he applied, but nothing came of them. So he's working for Lone Star for the time being, and he'll keep taking substitute positions as they come up on his off days, and doing his best to make a good impression at local campuses. Brian is hoping to find something close to home come February or March, closer to when the baby is due, when he'll really need it. But right now, for reasons I can't fathom, God must want Brian at Lone Star, so that's where he is. We'll just have to have faith that things are working out as they're meant to.

And on a completely unrelated note, I was just listening to Randy Travis, and it made me think of my mother. She sure did love Randy Travis, and I sure do miss her. Now her second grandchild is on the way, and I wish she could be here.

One of life's little surprises

Well, I don't guess this is exactly a little surprise:


Rather a big one, in fact! But yes, there will be an addition to the family come late April or so. It got to where my cycle was longer than usual, and I figured it was either pregnancy or pre-menopause, so I peed on a stick. Honestly, I was expecting it to just be another trick played on me by an aging body. Nope!

And what's funny - back in May I'd gone to see my RE (reproductive endocrinologist, for those of you unfamiliar with the abbreviation), to see about getting some help in the getting pregnant department. I never followed up, and just a week and a half before I tested, Brian and I had talked about this very thing. He didn't have a job at the time, and we talked about how we really didn't have the income to pursue medical intervention, and I said I wasn't really sure I could go through the process again without knowing it would work (because there are no guarantees, you know). I knew what to expect if we went through those hoops again, and I really didn't think I wanted to go there. It was a good talk, and we came to the conclusion that yes, it would be nice to have a child, but we weren't going to force it. If it happened, it happened. Well, it happened!

I called my doctor's office right away, given the issues I had with J. My doc had me in for bloodwork twice, and everything looked good - my progesterone was around 24, and my hCG went up nicely, just like it's supposed to. (A couple of people have speculated as to whether I'm having twins - I sincerely hope not, one healthy baby will be plenty for us, thanks!) I go for my first official visit on September 18. Being as I'm 40 and all, I fall very solidly into the "advanced maternal age" category, and I'm hoping that gets me a few extra peeks at the little one.

The grandparents are all thrilled, and all the grandmothers are hoping for a girl. LOL Me, I don't much care, as long as at the end of it all, there's a healthy baby and a healthy me. We've told J, and he suggested we name the baby "Sandwich". Mmm, no. He's also informed me that he'll have a baby sister, but she'll have to learn to play with boy toys, because there's not going to be any girly stuff in his house! LOL Yeah, we'll just see how that goes, kiddo.

Bright Blessings is now on Etsy!

Bright Blessings on Etsy

Check it out!

A lot on my mind

Well, there still hasn't been any word from any school districts in the area. Not sure what's up with that. But Brian does have an interview next week with Lone Star. Yay? Eek? I waffle between really hoping it works out and thinking, "oh, crap, what will we do if it works out?!" He'll go down there next Wednesday night and go out to Lone Star for his five-day interview/training on Thursday morning. It's my understanding that once he's done with the five days, if he likes them and they like him, they'll hammer out the details and settle on a start date right then. If he gets it, there will definitely be some adjustments to be made and some changes to get used to. But Brian and I talked, and we think that him finding something that brings in some income, to get our finances more secure, is essential right now. If it makes for some weird logistics, so be it. I just hope that, if he does get the job, my work will work with me to figure out a schedule for Brian's "on" days that allows me to get J to and from school on time and still take the bus. If I have to go back to driving on days Brian isn't here, 1) I won't like going back to driving because taking the bus is so much less stressful, and 2) I'll be really annoyed that I'll have paid for a bus pass and still end up paying for parking half the time. But we're not there yet, so I won't waste energy getting annoyed right now.

The timing of the interview could be better. Brian had asked about the possibility of going this week, but that wouldn't have given Lone Star time to get his background check done. So, next Thursday through the following Monday it is. Brian will miss Meet the Teacher night and the first day of school, but it is what it is. The more I think about it, the more I really hope this does work out, inconvenient logistics notwithstanding. If it doesn't, we really don't have any other options right now. And that just won't do.

And on a somewhat related note - the topic of having kids. Brian has no kids of his own, and had previously said he'd really like to try to have at least one. We went out to dinner on Friday - it had been a bit of a discouraging week, and we figured a beer (for him) and a margarita (for me) were in order. We had a good talk, specifically on the topic of having kids. He said that while yes, he'd like to have one, he's kind of the school of thought that if it happens, it happens. He said that on one hand, he wanted us to try as much for a child as K and I did to get J here, to make it fair, but he said he knew that wouldn't be any way to go into it if I were only going through it to be "fair". I told him how I felt about not being sure that I could go through all the poking and prodding and testing again, not having any guarantee of success, and that I already knew I wouldn't go any farther than I'd done with J - I'm not going the route of injectables and IVF, I just can't. I told him that I worry, too, about the higher potential for problems, either for me or for a baby, now that I'm 40. I also pointed out the likely difficulties I'd have with getting any kind of understanding from my work for appointments - if I'm pregnant, sure, they'll likely be understanding of that, but fertility treatments/trying to get pregnant? There'd be a lot of appointments for testing, and I can see work saying that that was a voluntary thing and not cut me much slack at all. So there's that to consider, too. I think at this point, we're both of the opinion that if it happens, it happens and we'll be glad, but we're not taking any extraordinary measures to make it happen. Once Brian is working and we might have a little extra money for out of pocket expenses, that may change. But right now, we're not doing anything in terms of medical intervention, and we're good with that.

Tying that in to the Lone Star interview - how funny would it be (and I don't mean funny ha-ha) if God, in His infinite wisdom, decided that now would be a perfect time for me to get pregnant? I think I'd pull my hair out. I'd be excited, and scared, and all that good stuff, but I'd pull my hair out in absolute frustration at the timing, especially if Brian gets the job. But again, I'll jump off that bridge if I get to it. I'm not there yet.

J went to Six Flags with K and A and his four stepsiblings yesterday. Given his reluctance to try things most kids would consider great fun, I was a little worried about how it might turn out. I wasted a good worry. He did whine initially that he didn't want to try this, that or the other thing, but once he got on the bumper cars, that was all it took. He was hooked. J told me last night that he was tall enough to ride the Texas Giant. I asked him if he rode it, and he said, "No, but I'm tall enough to ride it if I want to." LOL I'm glad he had a good time, and I'm glad that he seems to be realizing it's OK for him to do that, to spend time with his dad and enjoy himself and come home and tell me what he did. K loves J and wants very much to be part of his life, and I want to encourage that, and it makes things so much easier on both of us if J can go with his dad without crying and getting upset over leaving me.

And now for something completely different: Bright Blessings has an Etsy shop! If you're unfamiliar with Etsy, it's a super online marketplace where you can find all sorts of handmade goodies for sale. Clothes, bath and body, candles, paper goods, jewelry, artwork, Etsy's got it. All the items listed in Bright Blessings' shop are in stock and ready for immediate shipment. I'll be putting up more goodies in the next couple of weeks, including bubble bars, scrubs, wax tarts, and all sorts of things in fall and holiday preview scents. Go take a look around - feel free to buy, or just send me a convo and say hi and tell me you saw the link on my blog! :-) I'm pretty excited about it.

Moving on to another tangent, have you ever checked out Craigslist? If not, give it a look and see if there's one specific to your area. We've found some really good things on there lately. Brian got something like 150 board feet of nice cedar wood for free, all he had to do was go get it, and a big load of dirt for our front yard for free, again just for the going to get it. He got a new Ryobi circular saw, in the box, for $50 and a fabulous leather jacket for $30. I've sold a few things on there myself. Check it out, you never know what you might find!

And still we wait.

New teacher training is less than two weeks away. The start of school is less than three weeks away. And still Brian has heard nothing. To say we're getting a little bit frustrated and a little bit nervous is putting it mildly. We aren't even seeing any more openings showing up on websites, much less is Brian getting any interviews. I'm trying not to wig, honestly, I am. But when new teacher training is right around the corner and Brian hasn't even found much to apply for, hasn't had one single interview or even a phone call, that doesn't exactly give me any sort of peace of mind that something will work out. He's got online applications in at all the districts he's interested in, and a couple of them just have general listings for elementary teachers, with a note that you have to have an online application so that principals can search. His application is there, but he's not getting any calls. Does this mean people see his application and don't think he's worth talking to, or that they just aren't ready to look yet, or what?! One of the elementary schools in Mansfield has a fourth-grade opening. Brian interviewed with them at their job fair, and felt like it went well. He's applied for that position, and the principal is one of the people who interviewed Brian back in the spring. No phone call. Did it not go as well as he thought? The listing doesn't have a closing date, so I'm not sure it's a situation where they're waiting until X time to start interviewing, but I could be wrong. Patience is not my strong suit, and this is just about to do me in.

Brian is sending his "last ditch" letter, basically saying he's aware of the fact that schools often have last-minute openings and giving the principals a summary of the high points of his experience. He's sending it to all the elementary schools in the four districts we've been focusing on, and he's applying to Fort Worth, Arlington, and Grand Prairie school districts as well. That would mean a good bit more of a drive for him, and I'd have to shift my work schedule to where I could drop J off at school, which would mean I'd get here later and have to work later, which sucks. But if that's what he's got to do to get in teaching somewhere, then I guess we'll take it and work out the logistics.

And now for something completely different on the job search front. The other day, Brian and I were e-mailing back and forth about his looking for jobs, and he was debating whether Fort Worth ISD would be too far of a drive to make it worthwhile to apply. I got to looking on Craigslist, and found an ad for the position of beer barn manager (one of the perks being that you get to work with sexy beer barn girls! LOL For the princely wage of $7.00 an hour! I guess the sexy girls are supposed to make up for the low pay). I sent it to him with the subject line of, "That's it, the search is over." He got a good laugh out of it, and then decided to do his own looking on Craigslist, where he found this:

http://www.lonestarexpeditions.com/employment.html

It would REALLY make the logistics challenging if he were on for eight days, off for six - I'd be back to single parenting those eight days he was gone. Groveton is 177 miles from Midlothian per Google maps, so the round trip drive would be like a trip to my dad's house in Louisiana every other week. The salary isn't great starting out, but the website says that depending on experience, some people may advance through the guide levels more quickly (and earn more money more quickly), and I'd imagine the ones that stick with it are the ones with the potential to do well. All he'd really have to pay for is gas to and from, as room and board would be covered while he was on his eight-day shift. It sounds really interesting, and he'd be great at it, and he'd enjoy it. He's good with kids, and he likes being outdoors and has done a lot of camping and hiking in the past. But damn, the logistics would be a bitch, and just trying to wrap my brain around how we'd handle everything makes my head hurt. But, we may have to think outside of the teaching arena and do something that we think is outside our comfort zone, I don't know. I told him it can't hurt to apply and see what kind of response he gets. Then we'll go from there.

And boy, does God have a sense of humor. We thought Fort Worth would be too far of a drive. How about Groveton, then? LOL

And the winner is....

And #77 was Alyce! Congratulations, Alyce, and let me hear from you so I can get your gift voucher sent to you.

Thank you so much to everyone who participated! This has been fun - I can't wait to do it again next quarter.

Bloggy Carnival Giveaways!

It's Bloggy Carnival Giveaway time again, and this time I decided to get in on the fun. My giveaway runs from today, July 30, through midnight Central time on Saturday, August 2. The winner will be announced here on Sunday, August 3. EDITED TO ADD: The winner will be announced on Sunday, August 3, once I have gotten a response from them. If there's no response within three days, I'll choose another winner.

Up for grabs: a $50.00 gift certificate to Bright Blessings Candles! Anyone who's read my blog before probably knows Bright Blessings is my labor of love. I make votives, wax tarts, and a variety of bath goodies in a host of different scents.

To enter, just visit my site and leave me a comment with your favorite scent from my scent list. You don't have to have a blog to win, but please include a valid e-mail address with your comment so that I'll have a way to get in touch with you should you be chosen as the winner.

Be sure to check out the Bloggy Carnival site to see all the other fabulous prizes that are being offered - right now I think they're up to 832 or thereabouts!

And just to share the Bloggy Carnival love....

My friend Rachel is having a super giveaway at her site, Weird Stuff in My Desk - the following is from her site:

Bloggy Carnival Is HERE All Week Long! Over $1000.00 In Prizes!
Special Announcement

The Bloggy Carnival is here! Starting on July 28th 2008 and ending at midnight Pacific time Saturday August 2nd 2008. You will have several ways to win the AMAZING prizes listed on our blog. Winners will be announced by Wednesday August 6th. Remember to visit all of the other participating blogs at the Bloggy Carnival. We are just one stop of hundreds! Many of our contributors ship internationally, so don’t be shy, everybody whether you are in the US or not, or whether you have your own blog is welcome to participate!!

CONTEST INFO

Readers, here’s how to enter the contest. You can do one or all of these things, and each one will give an additional entry and thus MORE chances to win.

1. SUBSCRIBE to our newsletter here on the right hand side of the site. You MUST verify your subscription via the email the site will send you. Unverified subscribers will not be entered into the contest. This option is for new subscribers only.

2. Post this blog post in it’s entirety with a link to our contest here at your blog, group or website and you will be given additional entries to win. You MUST post the links where you have shared the info in one response here in this thread. The more places you post the event, the more entries you get, so spread the word! NOTE: Don’t worry if your post doesn’t show up right away or you get an error message, the spam filter on the site will catch it if there are too many links. I will approve your posts so no need to worry, if this happens please don’t post your list multiple times. Check back later in the week to see if it is up.


3. Visit each of the sites who have contributed to our event below and pick ONE favorite item from each store and come post the LINK to that item or the page the items is on here in this post. You can do one or all of the sites, you get an entry for each business you visit and the ONE item link you post here. Try to combine all of your items into one big post. NOTE: Don’t worry if your post doesn’t show up right away or you get an error message, the spam filter on the site will catch it if there are too many links. I will approve your posts so no need to worry, if this happens please don’t post your list multiple times. Check back later in the week to see if it is up.

4. Make a purchase today from ANY or all of the retailers participating on our page (see list below) and send us a copy of the receipt for your purchase to: racoo.smith @ gmail.com (no spaces) for an additional entry. You get entries for every purchase you make. Be SURE to put WSIMD Contest Entry in the subject line so it doesn’t get lost in our spam filter.

5. Read through our Weird Stuff in my Desk blog and find your favorite post and come back here and post the LINK to it. One favorite post per contestant please.

6. Come back daily to see more options for winning and possibly more prizes to compete for. New companies or prizes may be added to the bottom of the list.

7. Add us as your friend on Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/bittenbybooks

Add us as your friend on Facebook: http://www.new.facebook.com/profile.php?id=614064436

Follow us on Twitter: http://twitter.com/weirdstuff

8. Stumble or share the post with any social networking sites. There is a button right at the end of this post that says share.

Be sure you leave a valid email and your name when posting here so we can contact you if you are the winner. We will contact the winners and request your first/last name and a valid email which we will give to the retailer whose prize you have one. It is up to the individual retailers to award your prizes. If we do not hear back from winners within one week of contacting you, you prize will be forfeited and an alternate winner will be chosen. We reserve the right to delete any inappropriate or inflammatory remarks or comments.


Be SURE to visit our sister site Bitten by Books will be offering a $50.00 Amazon.com Gift Card as well as HUNDREDS of dollars in different prizes, books and gift certificates for the Bloggy Carnival ! Go here: http://bittenbybooks.com/?p=738 and see what you could win! The directions for entry are set up there as well! Have fun and happy Carnival!

A BIG thank you to our fabulous contributors!!

Here is the list of AMAZING prizes you are trying to win!

KLEAN Bath & Body - $100.00 Gift Code
http://www.kleanbathandbody.com/
Klean Bath & Body provides luxurious, hand-mixed, bath and body products at an affordable price.

Flying Needle Gallery - $20.00 Gift Certificate
http://flyingneedlegallery.com
Gifts for the body & home: Offering velvet scarves, silk pillows, eco-friendly napkins & handkerchiefs and more. Includes FREE shipping if the prize winner is in the US — but will ship worldwide.

Broken Teepee Designs - $25.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.brokenteepeedesigns.com/
Beautiful beaded jewelry. Made in Montana. Free shipping on your order, will ship internationally

Get Happy Goat Soap - $10.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.gethappygoatsoap.com/
Handcrafted soap made with the milk from my Nigerian dwarf goats Pricilla and Abigail plus other rich ingredients. Get happy! Free shipping on your order, will ship internationally

Starring…! Fragrances - $26.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.starringfragrances.com/
Organic & Natural Perfumes & Body Products that Star you in Sweet, Sensual Scents!

Little Black Boxes - 2 $20.00 Gift Certificates for Little Black Boxes
http://www.thelittleblackboxes.com
The Little Black Box is the perfect place for consumers to learn about our wonderful online retailers before purchasing. It’s a handmade revolution!

Bovine Bubbles and Hogwash - Canadian Company - 2 $25.00 Gift Certificates
http://www.bovinebubblesandhogwash.com/
Udderly the best handcrafted body care in the world.

South Main Designs - $25.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.mysouthmaindesigns.com/155
Beautiful jewelry at affordable prices! Shipping to US and Canada.

Lillian Skincare - $50.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.lillianskincare.com/
At Lillian Skincare, we believe that caring for your whole body not only means being careful about what you eat, but also what you feed your skin from the outside.

Pampertini - $25.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.pampertini.com/
We offer a variety of pampering items for you to enjoy, whether you are a shower person or love to indulge in a tub of bubbles, come by for some ONE STOP SHOPPING fun!

Bauble Bath - $50.00 Gift Certificate
http://baublebath.com/
Thick Creamy scrubs as well as bath bombs in indulgent fragrances.

Crater Lake Company - $30.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.craterlakecompany.com

Delightfully Wed - $15.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.delightfullywed.com/
Delightfully Wed supplier of wedding accessories, supplies, decorations, and favors, specializing in western-themes. Shipping is free within the US - we will ship internationally if the winner wishes to pay the shipping costs.

Candles and Woodcrafts - $15.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.candlesandwoodcrafts.com/
We provide a wide array of items from wooden soap molds and displays to wax tarts, finished woodcrafts, clocks, lighted holiday items….way to much to mention in one line so come on over and take a look!

Ginger’s Garden - 2 - $10.00 Gift Certificates
http://www.gingersgarden.com/
Come visit Ginger’s Garden for handmade soaps, skin and body care, gift baskets, toiletries, Zodiac Perfume blends, sculpted soap flowers and more. US Shipping Only.

Snowberry Creek - A Gift Certificate for a sampler box valued at $22.95
http://www.snowberrycreek.com/
A box full of luxurious, fragrant samples and full-sized items, such as handmade soaps, lotions, massage oil, bath teas, bath salts, shea butter, votives, tarts, bath bombs, teas, coffees, decorative soaps, potpourri, jewelry, candles, bubble bath and much more. Shipping is free within the US - we will ship internationally if the winner wishes to pay the shipping costs.

FeltLikeStitchin - $20.00 Paypal Gift Certificate - UK Company
http://feltlikestitchin.etsy.com/
DiDi Dolls are small, unique hand stitched felt dolls, each with a note in its pocket with the name and date of creation. Will ship worldwide from their store.

Things That Make Scents - $25.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.thingsthatmakescents.com/
Things That Make Scents is a Jersey Shore-based candle manufacturer offering superior customer service and a diverse menu of all-natural soy wax candles and scented wax bears. With many scents available, you are sure to find a favorite! Carrying candle accessories, gift baskets, jewelry and great gift items, its your one stop shop for your gift giving needs! Ships to the US and Canada.

Linda’s Gifts and Decor - $25.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.lindasgiftsanddecor.com/
Shipping to Canada and US ***Come by on Wednesday for a special offer from this retailer.

The Bath Project - $25.00 Gift Certificate
http://TheBathProject.com
Handcrafted body care, inspired by nature, crafted in small batches using certified organic ingredients. Will ship internationally.

Chunky Butt Candle & Bath Co. - $20.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.chunkybuttcandles.com/
As a small business, Chunky Butt Candle & Bath Company, we are dedicated to making a unique candle and bath & body experience. World wide shipping

Bad Girlz Bath Co. - $50.00 Gift Code
http://badgirlzbath.com/
Do you have a Fragrance Fetish, a Lust for Lather, Massage oils make you Hot & Bothered? We’re NOT your mother’s Bath & Body shop, we’re SO much more fun!

Just Right Candles - $15.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.justrightcandles.com/
Just Right Candles you a No Flame, No soot, SAFE alternative to traditional candles.

Lindsay’s Candles & Stuff - Canadian Company - $25.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.lindsayscandles.com/
Lindsay’s Candles & Stuff proudly handcrafts scented candles, soaps and bath & body products.

Lily Gulch Soaps - $30.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.lilygulchsoaps.com/
Handmade 100% natural cold process soaps, unique bath & body products and natural bath accessories. International Shipping Worldwide using United States Postal Service (USPS).

Bin Hog Designs $25.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.binhog.com/
Custom embroidered Luggage ID Handle Wraps - choose from one of our many designs or get them personalized!

Pacific Scents $20.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.pacificscents.com
Hand-poured Custom Candles, Bath and Body Products. Over 150 scents!

J.Lynne Cosmetics - $25.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.jlynne.com/
Handcrafted mineral makeup. Purely beautiful, naturally you! Shipping to US and Canada.

Manic Trout - $25.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.manictrout.com/
Handmade jewelry that is both colorful and unique, using unusual and quite often vintage materials. Worldwide shipping.

Vintage Body Spa LLC - $15 Gift Certificate
http://www.vintagebodyspa.com/
Vintage Body Spa handcrafts natural, luxurious and paraben-free spa products designed to ‘Indulge Your Body’ ™.

Flower Peddler - $30.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.flower-peddler.com/
Naturally-sourced bath, body, and skincare - always fresh, never boring.

Wylde Ivy - $50.00 Gift Certificate
http://www.wyldeivy.com/
Wylde Ivy is all about unique and inspired scent blends, high quality handmade products, and exquisite little luxuries!

Weird Stuff In My Desk - $20.00 Sephora Gift Certificate
http://weirdstuffinmydesk.com

Soapier - $30.00 Gift Certificate
http://Soapier.com

The Blue Raven Tea Co. - 2 $10.00 Gift Certificates
http://blueraventea.com
Let us delight you with our irresistible and fragrant teas. Every cup is a journey. Shipping to US and Canada

NEW PRIZES ADDED!

Marr Williams - $25.00 Gift Card/Discount Code
http://marrwilliams.etsy.com
Pamper yourself. Simply. Naturally. Shipping to the US And Canada.

The Muse - $30.00 Gift Certificate to White Iris Designs
http://www.i-am-the-muse.com/

Is having a choice important to you?

http://www.indiebusinessblog.com/indie_business/2008/06/stop-the-fda-gl.html

Read about the proposed FDA Globalization Act of 2008, watch the video, and please sign the petition asking to stop this legislation. If it passes as it's drafted, it would end up requiring way more fees and paperwork than most small bath/body/cosmetics businesses could handle, and would put a lot of small companies out of business. Let the market decide what sells and what doesn't, and don't let that choice be taken away or curtailed by needless government regulations.

I'm just a little black rain cloud

Hovering over the honey tree,
I'm just a little black rain cloud,
Pay no attention to me.
Everyone knows that a rain cloud
Doesn't eat honey, no, not a nip,
Floating around,
Over the ground,
Wondering where I will drip.

So. That's how I feel today. I am in a funk par excellence. I should be in a good mood - today is my Friday, I'm taking off tomorrow for J's awards ceremony and year-end party. But I'm surly and unreasonable and thoroughly unfit for human consumption. My lunch is good enough, but I wish I had something else. I have no cash to go get something else. I have no good snacks in my desk drawer. And I have not one, but two two-hour conference calls today, one from 10:30-12:30 and one from 1:00-3:00. Even if I had money, I wouldn't have time to go get anything.

I think part of it is adjusting to losing the things I liked about being single (yes, there were actually some good things about it! LOL). Yeah, doing all the parenting stuff on my own sucked, but I had my space. To some extent, I've lost that, and I miss it just a little. Is that silly? I know if it were still me and J, nothing productive would get done around the house, I wouldn't have gotten Spring Fling done, J's behavior wouldn't be improving as much, and there'd be absolutely no hope for any improvement in the family finances. And I love Brian. But I miss having all my time to myself after J goes to sleep. I have more obligations now, and maybe I'm adjusting to the reality of that settling in. (And that sounds fairly awful, but I don't mean it in an awful way.)

I also think part of my mood is because I showed J the family movie video last night - all our old Super 8 home movies were put on videotape (I got them from my dad after the house flooded for a third times, so I could preserve them), and we watched them, and it's made me rather wistful. I miss my mom. I need to go sit somewhere and have a good cry, but there's really nowhere to do that anymore. Can't cry at work, it's just not the done thing. Can't cry at home, there's always someone around to ask me what's wrong. And this isn't the kind of cry where I want to be asked what's wrong and be comforted, I just want to get it out, you know?

And I think I also feel stuck at work. I'm not miserable at my job, but I'm not happy. This isn't where I saw myself at 40, I don't see it as a career position where I could gladly stay for the next 20 years, but I can't figure out where I do see myself or how to get there. I worry that with the economy what it is and our industry taking such a beating, they'll start laying people off at some point, and if that ever happened, and I were laid off, I don't know what I'd do. I think I've been out of the legal field so long, I've pretty much worked myself out of any legal jobs. I don't see doing what I'm doing now at a different company. But I don't know what I can do. I found a listing for a legal word processor that pays as much as what I make now - problem is, it's a night position, 3 PM to midnight. Something like that I could do, if it were at a decent hour and if they didn't tell me off the bat that I was overqualified. So, not enough experience for the high-dollar legal jobs (and I don't want those anyway - I've decided I'm not cut out to be a good lawyer, it's just a pity I didn't figure it out twenty years ago), too much education/experience for a lot of stuff I probably would be really good at (word processor, paralegal, legal secretary), and no idea of what else I could do that 1) pays enough to pay the bills and 2) doesn't require a huge outlay of money and/or time for education/certification. Yeah, I've really made something of my life, haven't I? A hot mess is what I've made, and I don't know how to make it better. I like to write, but have no idea how I'd even get started on any kind of writing position. I love doing my candles and bath stuff, but I can't quit my day job and do that full-time, not right now.

Ugh. Hot mess, indeed. This too shall pass, right?

A lot rolling around in the old noggin

I seem to be all full of thoughts and happenings today.

I thought I was going to have to reach through the phone and smack K this morning. I mentioned that J wasn't inclined to work on his spelling words last night, and K got all on his high horse, saying, "Well, you have to make him study!" Um, no, can't do it. K couldn't seem to grasp the difference between consequences for refusing to study/not doing well and actual studying being done. I can yell, take away TV, take away computer time, take away the Wii and the DS, but I can't MAKE J practice his spelling words with me if he's not of a mind to. I can't MAKE the words come out of his mouth if he's determined not to say them. K kept arguing with me that I had to make him study - it doesn't work that way. I can make life unpleasant if he doesn't, and if he does poorly when he should have done well, but I can't make learning happen no matter what I might try. So that was a wearing start to my morning.

Brian had a half-day assignment teaching fourth grade at J's school. Yay! Half a day of pay is better than a kick to the head, right? Of course, he came out after school to find that the van had a flat tire. *sigh* He has a full-size spare, so he made it home OK, but that means that at some point we'll have to buy at least one new tire (or perhaps two, to keep things even). He just had an alignment done and put two new tires on to the tune of $200+ earlier this week. It's always something, isn't it?

This weekend's big plans: cleaning the garage! Woo woo!!! It needs a cleaning, and some stuff needs a damn good throwing away. J has talked me into a trip to Burger King, too. He doesn't care so much about the food, he just wants the Iron Man toys. Oy.

I'm going to have samples in May's Little Black Box, and hopefully that will drum up some business for the birthday sale I'm having in June. Tonight I've got to box up samples. I meant to do it last night, but I was so tired, it just didn't happen. I really hope that brings in some business. Seriously, since Monday I've had virtually no traffic on my website - less than ten hits a day. ???? I had something like 46 each day on Sunday and Monday, and then big fat nothin' since then. Days like this make me wonder whether Bright Blessings needs to continue, or whether I should just call it a rather pricey lesson learned, take down the site, sell off the supplies, and call it quits, and maybe just make stuff as gifts for friends and family and for our own personal use. I keep telling myself I haven't even been in business for a year, and it may take time to really build up a following. It's just discouraging sometimes, though, especially after Spring Fling wasn't what I'd hoped for.

I don't know if I'll make my Denver trip after all (I'd planned to go to Denver this fall to meet up with a group of ladies I've known online for a good number of years - I may not have met most of them in person, but I'm proud to call them friends). I just found a flight to Denver from DFW for $168. The bad thing is, I don't know if I should book a flight or not. I really really really really want to go, but realistically, I'm not sure we'll be able to swing it. Yeah, the ticket is relatively cheap. But then there'd be my share of the house that the group is renting and spending money, and none of that is cheap. The trip comes before Brian's first paycheck would be due (assuming he does indeed have a full-time job for the 2008-09 school year, and I can't see why he wouldn't) - school starts August 25, which means the first pay period doesn't even end until after the trip, and his first paycheck wouldn't come until late October. I just don't know if we can justify spending $500 or so on a trip for me to see my friends, no matter how badly I may want to do it. Dammit, being a responsible grownup sucks rocks. This will be the third get-together I've missed if I don't get to go, and it makes me sad. I entered a contest where the prize is 250,000 airline miles, and that would help if I won, but that's no guarantee.

And I worry about things like finances, and then something pushes that back into perspective. An online friend knows a family whose little boy has some form of cancer, and his life expectancy was short, as in a year or so. Then suddenly they found out he had a slow bleed where the tumor was, and if that picked up and started bleeding more, his life expectancy would drop down to weeks or days. Yesterday the parents were arranging hospice care for their son. This really got to me. I cried half the way home, because I just can't imagine the wrenching pain of thinking you have a perfectly healthy child, to finding out your child is seriously ill, to finding out your child is terminal and doesn't have much longer to live. I had to thank God for my busy, stubborn, messy, loud, junk-food-eating, video-game-playing, not-sleeping, strong, healthy little boy, and I had to give him lots of hugs last night.

OK, to lighten things up just a little, here's a random question for the day: You know whenever you post on some message boards, you get the little message saying your message has been posted, please wait for your browser to forward you, and then it says something to the effect of, "if you do not wish to wait, click here"? If you can "click here" and not wait, why wait at all? That makes no sense to me. (Yes, it's Friday, and I'm distracted easily. LOL)

Hooray, it's almost time to go home! In case I don't post again this weekend, Happy Mother's Day to anyone reading this who's a mom! :) And go hug your own mother and tell her you love her - I'd pay money to be able to hug my mom.