Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Catching up

Lots to write about - work is still work, J's fourth birthday party, J being sick (viral infection and ear infection, first one after the tubes came out almost two years ago - I'm not thrilled to hear that, I hope we're not getting back into the round of constant ear infections). But first I just have to get something off my chest (and being as how it's almost 2 AM, that may be all I do right now).

OK, here's something bugging me right now. Tonight K asked me if Brian was the only person I was seeing. I said he was, and K - K! - told me I needed to see other people, that I could do "better than" someone living in Waco. WTF?! He told me I hadn't dated that many people, and he thought I should get out more. I told him I thought that was pretty funny, coming from someone who was so concerned about when his next serious relationship would be. He said, well, I've dated lots of people and you haven't. Again, WTF?! He's gone out on one or two dates with several different people (and undoubtedly had a lot more sex than I have), but A was the only person he'd gone out with a good bit when they decided they were exclusive (they've un-decided that now, but they're still boink buddies). So, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? Besides, I've gone out with several people - I went out with Rob for a couple of months, and with Tim for a couple of months, and had a couple of other one-time dates here and there. And I kind of sort of went out with Chad until he freaked out on me - twice. So. I personally think I've dated more than K. But that's beside the point, except to his mind. And I've certainly had plenty of time to contemplate what I'd like in a relationship, so it's not that I'm wishy-washy and don't know my own mind. What pisses me off more is that he told me I could do better than someone in Waco?! WHAT. THE. HELL. Am I wrong, or does this sound like a case of "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her, either"? First off, I know myself well enough to know that I'm not cut out to have several guys on a string at the same time. Hell, I can barely find time to see Brian as it is, and if a guy lived closer, it would be that much harder to 1) go out (because I'm fairly certain K would bitch like mad if I asked him to stay with J on a weeknight so I could go out to dinner - he's said before that he'd do that for me, but if I actually asked, his tune might change) and 2) stick to the "no one around J" rule (i.e., the guy is 20 minutes away, and he asks, oh, why can't we just all go out to dinner real quick? Harder then to keep putting off and saying no, don't you think?). Second, I'm not stupid. I'd never consider making anything remotely like a serious commitment to someone who's only ever lived within 90 miles of me - I think you have to be able to spend time with someone a bit more often than every couple of weeks to really know how you feel about that person. If he's the only one I'm dating, that's one thing, and my business, and nothing wrong with that as far as I can see. But there's no ring on my finger, and not likely to be one anytime soon, thankyouverymuch. And third, who is he to say what's "better" for me? Does he know a thing about Brian other than what I've told him? (And if he does, where exactly did he get his information?) For all he knows, Brian could come from a family of Texas oil and cattle barons, have an IQ of 170, have been a cover model for GQ, and drive for Meals on Wheels and tutor underprivileged children in his spare time. I think K and I differ on what's "better" or an improvement on what we had. I haven't talked about it with him, but I'd bet that to K, "better" means in large part someone younger and prettier than me (if he's looking for more intelligent, he may be out of luck, though), and probably a higher sex drive. To me, "better" isn't so much about GQ looks and age and money, but more about someone who's willing to put me first, ahead of himself, and to do what needs to be done to take care of the family (K has improved immensely in that regard, and has helped me out a LOT with my suck-ass salary and with stuff for J - way more than he'd be obligated to legally, but he used to not be that way, at least not as I saw it - when he kept the crappy temp job for four years without ever embarking on a really serious job search and wouldn't even pick up an application for a second/temp job someplace like Barnes and Noble, that didn't exactly say "drive to take care of family" to me). If a guy is considerate and puts my needs ahead of his 9 times out of 10, I will fall all over myself to make him happy, too. And I felt like I took second place to just about everything else for so long that having that is really important to me. So, who does K think he is, telling me I can do "better"?! I've thought, well, maybe he just wants what's best for me. And maybe on some level he does, but I don't think that's his primary incentive for telling me I should date other people. I think he just doesn't want to see anyone else having what he gave up.

And what the hell is wrong with Waco, I'd like to know? If the job market were better, I'd never have left there. I loved living in Waco, thankyouverymuch. We lived there the first year we were married, and I never heard him complaining. Had I not lost my job there, would he ever have mentioned moving?

Ugh. It vexes me. J's been sick, K stayed home with him yesterday, I was home with him today and will be again tomorrow, and I sure hope he's on the upswing because today was a bear. I'd better get some sleep in case he's up with the sun. More later.

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