Things could be worse

That's what I tell myself after days like yesterday and this morning.

I had a tire that was low yesterday evening. I stopped and aired it up. By the time I picked J up from school, maybe 15 or 20 minutes later, it was low again. I went to have it checked. There was an unrepairable hole in it - tiny, just a pinhole, but the air whooshed right out (I could hear it hissing). And I thought I needed an alignment as well, for which I would need four good tires on my car and not the spare. So, I planned to take at least half a day off work today to get it taken care of.

Then there was J. He had a good day in class, but not so much in the after-school program. I found a Home-Gram waiting for me when I picked him up. That's what the after-school program sends home when your kid has a bad day. The first one he got was last year when he intentionally colored on the gym floor while in time out. Today he was in time out at least five times, maybe six, for not listening when he should have, for talking non-stop, for touching people when they didn't want to be touched (apparently there's some concern about J being a hugger, and about the fact that you can't do that at school - more on that momentarily), all things we've talked about in the context of class and at home. *sigh*

I've noticed that lately he's said that so-and-so doesn't like him anymore, and he said once that nobody liked him. I'm wondering now, if that truly is the case, if it's because he does things after people have asked him to stop. He does that to me at home - he'll make some irritating noise or tickle me or poke me and I'll tell him to please stop, that's bothering me. He keeps on and keeps on and keeps on until I'm screaming in frustration and annoyance, and then he's upset because I'm mad at him. If he's doing that to people at school, well, yeah, that's the kind of thing that would drive friends away after a while. I don't *know* if that's the case because I'm not there, but given how he does me at home, it's a reasonable suspicion. So we talked about that, about how people might not want to be friends if they ask you to stop doing something that bothers them and you don't stop. We talked about how it's just as important to listen and to mind the counselors at the Y program as it is to listen to his teacher and mind her in the classroom. He told me that if you get three Home-Grams, you get kicked out of the after-school program, and I told him, well, guess what, buddy, you've got two. I told him it was really important for both of us that he really make an effort to follow the rules and listen to the counselors and do what they said, because I can't take off work to be there when school is out and it's really important to me to know he's got a good, fun, safe place to be while I'm still at work. I hope this makes an impression, and I hope today was just an off day, just getting back into the routine after spring break. But honestly, it makes me want to cry, and it makes me worry for my son. I don't want him to be socially inept, I don't want him to be someone that no one wants to be friends with, and I can't fix this for him. I can offer suggestions and guidance, but I can't be the one to make friendships on his behalf. He's the one that has to figure out a way to do that.

As for the hugging - I'm not sure that's all J instigating it. We saw two of his friends at Wal-Mart yesterday evening when we went to get the tire checked, two little boys, and one of them ran up and hugged J first. I know this particular little boy is in the after-school program with J, which makes me wonder if J is always the sole instigator of the hugs or if sometimes he's just hugging back. I just told him we need not to be hugging on people at school or at the after-school program, that those are the rules, regardless of who hugs first.

J's teacher sent home the Conner's survey for me to complete, the one that looks for ADHD characteristics. I filled it out. Some things on the survey I never see in him - for example, being angry and resentful. J is like me - he gets mad/irritated/annoyed, he has a fit, and in a little while, he's fine and life goes on. There's not a whole lot of grudge-holding there. Some things on the survey I see all the time - for example, interrupting others' conversations or games. He does that constantly. I can't recall ever having a conversation where he hasn't tried to tell me something in the middle of it, and he's bad about telling me he wants me to get off the phone when I'm talking. Some days I think, eh, this is just five-year-old boy behavior, with a good dose of change and upheaval mixed in. And then there are days like yesterday, where I think, OK, is there something else going on? The repetition of things after being asked to stop makes me insane. Lately he's started making sounds like he's choking, and when I called him on it, he said he was just making funny noises. I told him I didn't like those noises because I thought he was choking when I heard them, so please don't make them, because it scares me. He kept on (this was two days ago), over and over again. Yesterday evening he started up with the noises again. I asked him to stop, he said why, I said because it sounds like you're choking. He did it again. I asked him again to stop. He did it again. I told him that when he kept on doing something after I'd asked him not to, it told me that he cared more about doing what he wanted than he did about what he was doing upsetting me, and that hurt my feelings. And then he cried because I was mad at him (and yes, at that point, I was). But what's not to get? "Please don't do such-and-such, it scares me." Or I don't like it. Or it's annoying. Or whatever. But if someone asks you repeatedly to stop doing something, how many times of the person getting angry or upset does it take for you to realize, hey, I really should stop when someone tells me they don't like what I'm doing? These are the things that make me worried that there really may be more going on than just five-year-old boy stuff, and worried that whatever the cause is, that I won't know how to help or how to control it or how to help J learn to control himself.

We'll see how today went. Hopefully he had a good day both in class and after school. I'm going to go pick him up a bit earlier than usual, since I ended up taking the whole day off work to get the tires taken care of. It took me for-freakin'-ever to find a place that could do both tires and alignments, but I did end up finding a place here in town. They quoted me a price of $235 and change for two new tires and the alignment. Turns out it was a bit cheaper than the price they originally quoted me - my car is made in such a way that the tires are going to wear on the inside, that can't be adjusted. So I really didn't need an alignment after all. That was happy news. I'm not crazy to have spent $184 on this, but at least it wasn't $235. And I have my car back now, so at least that particular crisis is resolved.

OK, if I'm going to accomplish anything before I go fetch the boy, I'd better get off of here and get to it.

Looking

At the suggestion of a fellow blogger who was kind enough to post a comment, I'm looking for crafters' groups in the D/FW area. I've done a couple of online searches and come up with - well, nothing. Not so far, anyway. There is the Dallas Craft Guild, but they appear to offer classes on everything BUT candlemaking or soapmaking. There's a piano tuners' guild, a group for calligraphers (which I have considered joining, as I do calligraphy, but I'm sticking to one hobby at a time for now!), but so far, nothing for chandlers or soapers. ??? But I'm determined. I'll keep looking, because you learn from people who've done this before, and I know there have to be people who've done this before in the Dallas area. I don't know if Bright Blessings will ever be sufficient to be a full-time sole source of income for me, but it can be more than it is right now. Other than my son, it's what I do that I enjoy most, and if I want it to succeed, I have to work at it. So, I'll work. Starting with a few more Google searches to see what comes up.

I also need to make myself a lightbox. I can use that to take vastly improved pictures of my products, as the ones on my website aren't all that. I'll need good photos for my brochures that I'm working on to send out with wholesale orders. And I'm really debating a revamping of my website altogether. I wish I knew more about HTML so I could do it myself, but I may have to spend the money to get a good complete overhaul. It seems a bit overwhelming at times. I really wish I could take a couple of months off work and focus on Bright Blessings, but I can't. Bother. A little at a time, though, and it may eventually fall into place.

The final countdown

Eleven days and counting until my wedding. Four days and counting until Brian moves. How much work do you think I'm getting done? LOL

Brian had his yard sale this weekend. It went pretty well. We sold most of the good stuff by around 10:00, and made over $100. Not bad, considering it was a pretty small sale. We decided we were done at that point, as traffic had slowed considerably, and we boxed up the rest and took it to Goodwill.

Oscar the cat came home with me Saturday evening. She meowed piteously for about a third of the trip home. For the next third, she settled down quietly in the back seat. For the final third, she decided to explore the front seat. Ever try to drive with a cat standing on your arm and looking out the driver's side window? No easy task, that's for sure. I finally got her moved to the passenger side, where she put her feet up on the dashboard and looked out the windshield. I had to laugh - when I was leaving Brian's, Oscar was in the car and I commented that I wondered how long it would be before she tried to climb in the front seat with me. Brian said he was sure she'd stay in the back. Before I could get around and get in the car, Oscar was in the front seat with her paws on the steering wheel. I wished I'd had the camera - she looked like Toonces the driving cat. LOL

J was certainly thrilled to see Oscar when he came home from K's yesterday. She stayed on J's bed for a long time, and every few minutes we had to go check on Oscar and see how she was doing. She even averted a meltdown this morning. J woke up agitating to get on the computer - my response was no, no time for computer on school mornings, we need to get ready for school and if you're on the computer, you're likely to forget everything else I might ask you to do. "I WON'T, I PROMISE, I - oh, hey, look, it's Oscar! Hey, Oscar! Are you hungry? (go feed cat) Did you have a good sleep? I'm going to school today, Oscar, what are you going to do?" Crisis averted. LOL

Really, how long do you think my attention span will be this week? I've got way too much to think about to concentrate on anything for any significant length of time. Come on, Friday!

I'm a groovy mother hen

So says the quiz!

What type of Mother Hen Are You?
by Montessorimom.com: Educational Resource

I never thought of myself as particularly groovy, but I'll go with it.

It's FRIDAY!!! Yay!!! I think everyone who could take the day off, did. I'm wishing I was one of them, because I am not motivated to be at work. We're short-handed, and I'm really hoping lots of people think Good Friday is a bank holiday and don't call. I've got so many things rolling around in my head, it's a wonder they don't start leaking out my ears.

This weekend is Brian's yard sale. We'll sell what we can, and whatever doesn't sell goes to Goodwill. I'm going to box up a few things and take them down for the sale - might as well get rid of some of my junk while we're at it. Oscar the cat will be coming back home with me, so she can start getting acclimated to her new home. She's stayed with us before, so it's not completely unfamiliar territory.

Next weekend - the move! Brian's got the job fair for our local school district on the morning of the 29th, and during that time, J and I will be picking up dishes (I found someone selling a ton of stoneware in my discontinued pattern), going to his counseling appointment, and maybe getting our hair cut. That afternoon and Sunday (if need be), we'll be shuttling back and forth, getting the rest of Brian's stuff and getting his old house cleaned up.

And the weekend after that - wedding! I told Brian that we'll probably just crash from exhaustion and spend that weekend sleeping. LOL "So, what did you do on your honeymoon?" "Slept. For eighteen straight hours." LOLOL

I've also got possibilities for wholesale orders for Bright Blessings. So much to think about - marketing materials, products, pricing, website upgrades to have a wholesale section.... It makes my head spin. In a good way, but still - lots of spinning. And the Spring Fling is coming up, as are the Boutique Boxes. GAH. I need a sabbatical from my day job to work on Bright Blessings stuff!

Home again, home again, jiggety jig

We took a road trip to see family this weekend. Two days at my dad's house, one day at K's parents', and a stop for lunch with Brian's parents. 800+ miles and a good 13-14 hours in the car. I'm tired, and really wishing I'd taken today off from work to recover!

Healthwise, my dad is doing about as well as can be expected. The Parkinson's is progressing to some extent, and the doctor just changed his meds. His blood sugar is OK most days - not great, but OK. But mentally/emotionally, I'm worried about him. I'm worried about my dad, though. He's fine with me and J, but he's getting mean in some ways. He's always been a difficult person to live with - very outspoken, very blunt, quick to anger and slow to admit he's wrong. With me, at least, that's mellowed somewhat as he's gotten older. My stepmom and I had a chance to talk, though, and he's getting to the point where he'll say things to other people that are really just hateful. If he'd said them to me, I'd have stopped talking to him, that's for sure. She said his tendency to do this is driving their friends away, and I hate that. I don't know if it's age, if it's some transmogrification of the Parkinson's, if it's both, if it's just that he's scared to death that he has no control over how things will progress, or if it's just a magnification of personality traits that are already there, but I don't like the mean streak. They got a puppy - three months old. He's a cute pup, bouncy and hyper and jumpy and barky like puppies are. J doesn't do well with bouncy barky dogs, so I'd hold Jake (the puppy) while J went by. We were getting ready to leave and Jake was all excited and kept trying to climb in my car. I didn't care, I'd just shove him away gently and tell him no. I figure he's about like a little kid, he has to hear it forty-seven thousand times before he gets it. LOL But my dad shoved Jake and hit him, hard, and that worried me. I told him that wasn't necessary on my account, that Jake would get it with time and repetition, there was no need to be so rough. And sometimes it's like he's looking for things to pick a fight about. My stepmom had gone to Monroe to see her great-grandbaby, and was on her way home when I got in Saturday, so she wasn't there when I got there. It never occurred to me to be in the least upset about it - that meant that her daughter and granddaughter were with her, so I got to see them, too, and I got to see pics of the grandbaby, yay! That was fun for me. My dad told me on Monday that he was sorry my stepmom gave me the cold shoulder, that she'd known I was coming way before she'd planned that trip to Monroe, and it was like he was upset she'd gone instead of staying there to see me. ??? I told him she and I were just fine, we get along well, and that if I had a problem with anything she said or did to me, I was a grown woman and would certainly tell her how I felt, that he didn't need to get all worked up over some perceived slight to me. I don't get that at all. He just seems to see things so differently than I do, and I hurt for him. If he keeps it up, he's going to chase off all his friends, and he'll be alone. I know getting old sucks, and he's always been such a control freak that the Parkinson's must scare the bejeezus out of him, but that's no reason to be hateful to people. And he's 81 - the likelihood of his behavior changing at this point is slim to none, especially if any part of it is just the progression of the disease.

It worries me, too, because should he become incapacitated, someone will need to handle his affairs. My stepmom is the logical choice, as she's there and she's the one running the house and keeping things up. But given the conversation he and I had this weekend, I don't know if he'd ever sign anything naming her power of attorney. Sure, I could do it, but it seems silly for him to name me when I'm seven hours away. I just worry as to how all this will get taken care of when he sometimes seems to have this mentality that the whole world is against him, even his wife.

Other than that worry, the trip was good. J came home with more stuff than I don't know what, and K's parents sent us home with enough groceries that I shouldn't have to shop for a month. It was good to see everyone, even if it meant a long trip for us. It rained a lot on the drive home, but we made it safely, and the house was still standing when we got home, so it's all good.

J's teacher sent home a Conner's scale, a survey that looks for ADHD characteristics. She said she filled out the teacher's scale, and sent the parent's version home for me to fill out and return. The counselor will then score the surveys and let me know the results. Some things are "never or seldom" for him, like being angry and resentful (not so much), having no friends, checking things over and over again, fussy about cleanliness (I laughed out loud when I read this one - hardly! LOL), irritable, headaches, blaming others for mistakes/misbehavior. Some things are "very much true" - inattentive/easily distracted, easily frustrated, easily distracted by extraneous stimuli, interrupts others' conversations/games, has a hard time waiting his turn/waiting in line, always "on the go". I'm curious to see how my answers compare to his teacher's, and what the counselor sees. It will certainly give us something to talk to our counselor about. On the one hand, it makes me nervous - you hate for your child to be labeled in any way, even if having a label can help in areas where help is needed. On the other, I know his teacher is just offering a tool, something we may be able to use to address behavior concerns even if things don't rise to the level of ADHD, and that's a good thing. Also, if there is a real, genuine problem, then it's better to know sooner rather than later. I honestly don't know what the counselor will see when the results are tallied. I don't know how much of J's bounciness and inattention is due to some possible diagnosable issue and how much of it is just 5-year-old boy dealing with a lot of change in his life. We'll see.

So. Ten days until Brian's move, seventeen until the wedding! K's grandmother was there this weekend, and bless her, she gave me some money as a wedding gift. I don't know what I'll do with it - she suggested some nice lingerie. LOLOL I love Granny, she is an absolute card. Anyway, I'm going to Brian's this weekend to help with the yard sale. Whatever doesn't sell, if he doesn't want to move it, we're taking it to Goodwill. I'm going to see if I can get motivated and box up some stuff I might want to sell, too, while we're selling.

And good news - Brian has found a retail outlet that may be interested in carrying Bright Blessings goodies! The man who's opening the shop is looking for Texas-made products to offer, and I'm going to get a sample basket made up to take down there this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed!

I'm going to kick something now.

I scream now, 'K? A little back story: I changed bank accounts back in November. I told State Farm of the change, to make sure my insurance premiums came from the new account - gave them a cancelled check, signed the paperwork, the whole nine yards. Fast forward to January. I got a cancellation notice for my insurance, saying it was two months overdue. Huh?! So I called and talked to Carla, who remembered talking to me the first time, and found out the draft hadn't changed to my new account. They'd been trying to take the premiums from the account that I'd already told them was closed. I was a bit perturbed, to put it mildly. She told me she'd talked to someone in operations and made sure the change was made, they'd refund my two overdraft charges, and that things should be back on track. OK, fine.

Today I called State Farm about getting the homeowners' premium added to my monthly bank draft. Imagine my surprise when Carla said the February payment was returned (supposedly after she and I had the whole discussion about the wrong account being drafted and her talking to someone in operations in Dallas to confirm they had the right account), and my draft was turned off right now, and they have to collect for March to get it set back up. WHAT THE...?!?!?! I'm sure my blood pressure went through the roof at that point. Supposedly whatever was returned was returned on Feb. 20. That's around the time I got my tax refund and got paid, so I KNOW there was money in the account. Also, I've never gotten an overdraft notice, which would have happened well before now if something were returned (and a whole host of other things would have been returned as well if I were out of money on Feb. 20). I don't know what the hell they're talking about or why anything should have showed up as returned. She couldn't see my whole account number, since the draft is turned off right now, but she'll pull my file so that when I go in to pay on Friday, I can confirm that it's correct. I'd be willing to bet someone keyed in the account number incorrectly, or the routing number, or something. I am so annoyed, I could scream. If it weren't for the fact that State Farm likely does offer the best value on my insurance right now because of the multi-line discount and longevity discount, I would go somewhere else. This is just beyond ridiculous, and if one more thing like this happens, I'll probably eat the cost and go elsewhere.

It seemed like a good idea at the time - now how do I get out of it?

I have a feeling things are about to take a turn at work that I'm not going to like. I wanted the role I have now because it doesn't involve administering a book of accounts - that's what I did when I started, and frankly, I wasn't cut out for it. Well, my cohort on another team is taking on some accounts, due to the fact that we've had some people leave and can only replace internally. There aren't any more people to move around internally, so some accounts from the people who are leaving are having to be divided up among the teams, and he's going to be administering accounts now. I foresee a future where I fill both the role I'm in now, which is OK, and also become an administrator of a smaller book of accounts, which I do not want, and I am so not happy about it. I had a book of accounts - I hated it. I sucked at it. Do. Not. Want.

This job seemed like such a good idea in 2004. It surely hasn't turned out that way, has it? I've met some wonderful people, but the job itself hasn't done me any favors. I'm probably making at least $10,000 less than I would be now if I'd stayed at my previous job - not getting raises or bonuses is painful. I'm not using my law degree. I'm so far removed from using my law degree that I'd probably have a hard time getting a good job in the legal profession. (I'm not real torn up about that, though, as I don't think I'm really wired to be a truly good attorney anyway.) I just feel like I've boxed myself in here, I don't know where to turn next, and I hate that feeling.

So, what might I do if I could?

~Something computer-related - I love working with computers. I'm the IT person for our team when the IT guy isn't around. LOL I'd rock as, say, a programmer. he downside is, I've got no formal training or education in the field, the market isn't great right now, and I'd likely have to start out in a call center setting, where the pay would suck and the work would give me an ulcer.

~Court reporting - I type quickly and accurately, I've got a legal background, and I'm persnickety about details. The downside is, getting the certification would cost me about $25,000 and take me five years to complete, going to school at night (I figure I won't be in a position to quit my day job, we can't make it on just Brian's teaching salary).

~Medical transcription - the downside is, certification is required (at about 18 months and about $3500 taking the coursework online, it's not as daunting as court reporting, but it's something to consider all the same), and based on information from friends who work in transcription, more jobs may be going overseas and it may be harder to find work here. Which stinks, because I would totally rock at transcription. I did it part-time last year, and I was up to about 200 lines an hour, which is damn good. Experienced transcriptionists are considered to do well if they can transcribe about 150 lines an hour. And I could hopefully find a job that would let me work from home, where I'd have only myself to deal with during most work days, I'd be left alone to do my work, I'd turn it in when I was done, I'd get more work, and life would go right on. I wouldn't have to worry about being someone's backup when they're out on medical leave for weeks, or answering phones because we're shorthanded, or anything like that. It would be perfect for me, but given the current conditions in the field, I'm not sure it would work out that way.

~Librarian - I actually contemplated getting my MLS and going to work as a librarian. With a law degree and an MLS, I'd be a great law librarian. The biggest downside to that is that law librarian positions are few and far between, and there's no guarantee that a job would open up where I want to be (that is to say, here). I don't want to move. I don't want to go live in BFE, New York because that's where a law librarian job is. And most librarian jobs appear to pay less than what I'm making now, so that isn't a good thing, either.

~Teaching - I've considered getting my alternative certification and going into teaching. Lots of pros, mostly centered around my schedule being compatible with J's schedule and (hopefully) me having a much shorter commute, saving on gas and parking and wear and tear on the car. But deep down, I have my doubts as to whether I'm really cut out to be a teacher. I'm not sure I have the patience for it, and that's a big enough career change that I wouldn't want to make it without being reasonably sure I'd do all right in the field. Again, there'd be some education/training involved - I'd have to take the coursework to be certified to teach, and that costs about $2000, if I recall correctly.

So, I've got lots of ideas, but nothing that I can see as being really viable. *sigh* Who knows, maybe Bright Blessings will take off at some point. I'll be sending samples to the Boutique Boxes, which is a sample box sold to retailers looking for products they can buy wholesale and resell in their own shops - if someone loves my stuff, maybe I'll get a good wholesale order or two out of the deal. I'd be happy if Bright Blessings did well enough that I could work part-time doing something or other, and then do tarts and candles and whatnot the rest of the time. I don't know if that's realistic, though. I should have stuck to some form of science as my major in college and given law a miss altogether, and this is why I think it's generally not the best idea to have people deciding what they want to major in, what field they want to pursue, what they want to be when they grow up, when they're 18 or 19 or 20 years old. I'd love to see J go out and work for a while after high school, see what's out there, try to figure out what he's really good at and what his passion is. I don't want to see him like me, starting out with a world of potential and ending up feeling stuck in some dead-end job and wishing I'd made different choices all those years ago.

There's got to be more out there than this. I just have to figure out what "more" might be for me and how to get there.

And now a proper update

Here's some more about what's really been going on in my life, as opposed to just my angst-ridden worry.

Let's see, what's happened since I posted last? We got snow last Thursday night. Yep, snow. Not much, just enough to delay the start of school for a couple of hours. J was very disappointed when I told him to get dressed on Friday morning. He said, "But Mama, it's a snow day!" I said no, not a whole snow day, we both still had to go to school and work. He said he didn't want to go to school, it was too cold. We did play in the snow a bit before we left, though, and he was fascinated by it. We didn't have enough to do much, but he had fun.

It was a decent weekend. J went to K's, and didn't fuss too much about it. He started with the not wanting to go to daddy's, and I told him he'd have fun with the other kids, and that I'd have a lot to do (and I listed some of the things I planned to do), and he seemed OK after that.

Brian came up, and we did some things around the house and ran errands. I made my usual Saturday trip to the post office. I think they'd die of shock if I didn't come in on a Saturday to send things out, pick things up, or both. He went back to Waco Sunday morning. It's less than three weeks now until he won't have to go back anymore. And it's only 25 days until our wedding! It still feels like we have a lot to do - not necessarily in terms of wedding planning, but in terms of making the house presentable. His mom will likely come by after the ceremony, and I don't want her to see it looking like a disaster.

Naturally, I decided to do things involving heavy lifting after Brian had left. I'm trying to reclaim my kitchen from candle mania, so last night I cleaned out the study closet, moved the old Apple computer out of the study, moved my filing cabinet out to where I can use it for organizing shipping supplies and labels, moved two sets of shelves into the study, and loaded the shelves up with my supplies. It's helped, but as sore as my back is this morning, you'd think I'd see more improvement.

I hate daylight savings time. Since it's not light early in the mornings anymore, it's harder for me to wake up. Our power went out during the night, so we totally overslept. We got to school and work on time, but it made for a hectic morning, and I hate those. And now I'll get to start fighting the fight about not having to take a bath or do anything remotely connected to bedtime until the last speck of light leaves the sky. Yep, not liking the DST so much.

J seems to be starting with a goopy cough. We may have to make a trip to see the pediatrician this week if it doesn't clear up. We're supposed to go to Louisiana this weekend to see family (J is off next week for spring break, so we're taking a couple of days off), and I don't want him to have the barking crud while we're traveling. He tried to tell me he had fever this morning - he said his head was warm, and I told him of course it was warm, that if it wasn't, he'd be dead. LOL I did check, though, and he wasn't running a fever. He was just angling for a day at home.

Oh! How could I forget? J got FIVE green days last week! (He had a spell there where he got a good number of yellow and red days - never for anything major, for things like talking during work time and not sitting still and running in the hall - but I know first grade will be less tolerant of such things and so the time to deal with it is now.) He also brought home a good report card - S's in everything except writing his name appropriately, he got a P (progress) on that. His handwriting is awful, he makes his J's backward as often as he makes them the right way, and half the time he forgets to write his name on his paper. So we'll be working on that. But he did well. I'm proud. :)

Three weeks and counting

In less than three weeks, Brian will be here. In less than four weeks, we'll be married. I'm excited, but a little nervous, too. What if my first marriage fell apart because I'm somehow fundamentally unfit to be married? I don't really think that's the case - Brian said one of the ladies at his church was "warning" him today how you don't really know someone before you marry them, and I thought about that, and he knows me better than just about anyone. He's seen aspects of my personality that most other people will never see, as I have with him, and if neither of us has called it quits by now, I don't suppose we're likely to. But there's still the occasional twinge of nerves, you know?

But Brian isn't Kevin, I'm not the same person I was fifteen years ago, and our marriage won't be the same as my first marriage. If I didn't believe this, it wouldn't be happening. Not to say that all will be perfect - I'm sure there will be days when we're getting on each other's last nerve. But this one is for keeps.

I miss my mom. I wish I could talk to her - well, talk to her in such a way that I could hear her answer me. She had so much to do with planning my first wedding, and it sucks that I'm doing this one without her. I think she'd like Brian. I just wish she were here.

And then there's work. I am so sick of corporate America, I could scream. I can't say anything bad about my manager - he's been a stand-up guy and has gone to bat for me more than once. I just hate all the micromanagement that seems to be inherent in the corporate world, I hate my commute, I hate being away from home for twelve hours out of every day, I hate that right now we're prisoners of my schedule, and it's not what I want to do with my life. But I can't figure out what I *do* want to do. Everything that occurs to me either requires more education, would have me taking a substantial pay cut to get into the field, or just isn't anything I can support myself doing. When my pension vests, I'm looking for something, anything closer to home. I don't care if I use my law degree. It was an ill-advised career choice for me anyway. I just want something that pays the bills, where I feel appreciated, where I enjoy what I do more often than not, and where I don't have the commute from hell. You'd think that I could find something, right?

Ugh, midnight. So much for going to bed early tonight.

Shine Like the Sun

www.myspace.com/murfmurphymusic

I don't know how to add this to my music player in the sidebar, so I'm putting it here. An old friend of mine wrote this song for his wife's mother's funeral, and he shared it with me.

I miss my mother, but it's a great comfort knowing that the goodbye I told her in 1995 isn't goodbye forever.