Sunday, March 09, 2008

Three weeks and counting

In less than three weeks, Brian will be here. In less than four weeks, we'll be married. I'm excited, but a little nervous, too. What if my first marriage fell apart because I'm somehow fundamentally unfit to be married? I don't really think that's the case - Brian said one of the ladies at his church was "warning" him today how you don't really know someone before you marry them, and I thought about that, and he knows me better than just about anyone. He's seen aspects of my personality that most other people will never see, as I have with him, and if neither of us has called it quits by now, I don't suppose we're likely to. But there's still the occasional twinge of nerves, you know?

But Brian isn't Kevin, I'm not the same person I was fifteen years ago, and our marriage won't be the same as my first marriage. If I didn't believe this, it wouldn't be happening. Not to say that all will be perfect - I'm sure there will be days when we're getting on each other's last nerve. But this one is for keeps.

I miss my mom. I wish I could talk to her - well, talk to her in such a way that I could hear her answer me. She had so much to do with planning my first wedding, and it sucks that I'm doing this one without her. I think she'd like Brian. I just wish she were here.

And then there's work. I am so sick of corporate America, I could scream. I can't say anything bad about my manager - he's been a stand-up guy and has gone to bat for me more than once. I just hate all the micromanagement that seems to be inherent in the corporate world, I hate my commute, I hate being away from home for twelve hours out of every day, I hate that right now we're prisoners of my schedule, and it's not what I want to do with my life. But I can't figure out what I *do* want to do. Everything that occurs to me either requires more education, would have me taking a substantial pay cut to get into the field, or just isn't anything I can support myself doing. When my pension vests, I'm looking for something, anything closer to home. I don't care if I use my law degree. It was an ill-advised career choice for me anyway. I just want something that pays the bills, where I feel appreciated, where I enjoy what I do more often than not, and where I don't have the commute from hell. You'd think that I could find something, right?

Ugh, midnight. So much for going to bed early tonight.

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