I'm just a little black rain cloud

Hovering over the honey tree,
I'm just a little black rain cloud,
Pay no attention to me.
Everyone knows that a rain cloud
Doesn't eat honey, no, not a nip,
Floating around,
Over the ground,
Wondering where I will drip.

So. That's how I feel today. I am in a funk par excellence. I should be in a good mood - today is my Friday, I'm taking off tomorrow for J's awards ceremony and year-end party. But I'm surly and unreasonable and thoroughly unfit for human consumption. My lunch is good enough, but I wish I had something else. I have no cash to go get something else. I have no good snacks in my desk drawer. And I have not one, but two two-hour conference calls today, one from 10:30-12:30 and one from 1:00-3:00. Even if I had money, I wouldn't have time to go get anything.

I think part of it is adjusting to losing the things I liked about being single (yes, there were actually some good things about it! LOL). Yeah, doing all the parenting stuff on my own sucked, but I had my space. To some extent, I've lost that, and I miss it just a little. Is that silly? I know if it were still me and J, nothing productive would get done around the house, I wouldn't have gotten Spring Fling done, J's behavior wouldn't be improving as much, and there'd be absolutely no hope for any improvement in the family finances. And I love Brian. But I miss having all my time to myself after J goes to sleep. I have more obligations now, and maybe I'm adjusting to the reality of that settling in. (And that sounds fairly awful, but I don't mean it in an awful way.)

I also think part of my mood is because I showed J the family movie video last night - all our old Super 8 home movies were put on videotape (I got them from my dad after the house flooded for a third times, so I could preserve them), and we watched them, and it's made me rather wistful. I miss my mom. I need to go sit somewhere and have a good cry, but there's really nowhere to do that anymore. Can't cry at work, it's just not the done thing. Can't cry at home, there's always someone around to ask me what's wrong. And this isn't the kind of cry where I want to be asked what's wrong and be comforted, I just want to get it out, you know?

And I think I also feel stuck at work. I'm not miserable at my job, but I'm not happy. This isn't where I saw myself at 40, I don't see it as a career position where I could gladly stay for the next 20 years, but I can't figure out where I do see myself or how to get there. I worry that with the economy what it is and our industry taking such a beating, they'll start laying people off at some point, and if that ever happened, and I were laid off, I don't know what I'd do. I think I've been out of the legal field so long, I've pretty much worked myself out of any legal jobs. I don't see doing what I'm doing now at a different company. But I don't know what I can do. I found a listing for a legal word processor that pays as much as what I make now - problem is, it's a night position, 3 PM to midnight. Something like that I could do, if it were at a decent hour and if they didn't tell me off the bat that I was overqualified. So, not enough experience for the high-dollar legal jobs (and I don't want those anyway - I've decided I'm not cut out to be a good lawyer, it's just a pity I didn't figure it out twenty years ago), too much education/experience for a lot of stuff I probably would be really good at (word processor, paralegal, legal secretary), and no idea of what else I could do that 1) pays enough to pay the bills and 2) doesn't require a huge outlay of money and/or time for education/certification. Yeah, I've really made something of my life, haven't I? A hot mess is what I've made, and I don't know how to make it better. I like to write, but have no idea how I'd even get started on any kind of writing position. I love doing my candles and bath stuff, but I can't quit my day job and do that full-time, not right now.

Ugh. Hot mess, indeed. This too shall pass, right?

A lot rolling around in the old noggin

I seem to be all full of thoughts and happenings today.

I thought I was going to have to reach through the phone and smack K this morning. I mentioned that J wasn't inclined to work on his spelling words last night, and K got all on his high horse, saying, "Well, you have to make him study!" Um, no, can't do it. K couldn't seem to grasp the difference between consequences for refusing to study/not doing well and actual studying being done. I can yell, take away TV, take away computer time, take away the Wii and the DS, but I can't MAKE J practice his spelling words with me if he's not of a mind to. I can't MAKE the words come out of his mouth if he's determined not to say them. K kept arguing with me that I had to make him study - it doesn't work that way. I can make life unpleasant if he doesn't, and if he does poorly when he should have done well, but I can't make learning happen no matter what I might try. So that was a wearing start to my morning.

Brian had a half-day assignment teaching fourth grade at J's school. Yay! Half a day of pay is better than a kick to the head, right? Of course, he came out after school to find that the van had a flat tire. *sigh* He has a full-size spare, so he made it home OK, but that means that at some point we'll have to buy at least one new tire (or perhaps two, to keep things even). He just had an alignment done and put two new tires on to the tune of $200+ earlier this week. It's always something, isn't it?

This weekend's big plans: cleaning the garage! Woo woo!!! It needs a cleaning, and some stuff needs a damn good throwing away. J has talked me into a trip to Burger King, too. He doesn't care so much about the food, he just wants the Iron Man toys. Oy.

I'm going to have samples in May's Little Black Box, and hopefully that will drum up some business for the birthday sale I'm having in June. Tonight I've got to box up samples. I meant to do it last night, but I was so tired, it just didn't happen. I really hope that brings in some business. Seriously, since Monday I've had virtually no traffic on my website - less than ten hits a day. ???? I had something like 46 each day on Sunday and Monday, and then big fat nothin' since then. Days like this make me wonder whether Bright Blessings needs to continue, or whether I should just call it a rather pricey lesson learned, take down the site, sell off the supplies, and call it quits, and maybe just make stuff as gifts for friends and family and for our own personal use. I keep telling myself I haven't even been in business for a year, and it may take time to really build up a following. It's just discouraging sometimes, though, especially after Spring Fling wasn't what I'd hoped for.

I don't know if I'll make my Denver trip after all (I'd planned to go to Denver this fall to meet up with a group of ladies I've known online for a good number of years - I may not have met most of them in person, but I'm proud to call them friends). I just found a flight to Denver from DFW for $168. The bad thing is, I don't know if I should book a flight or not. I really really really really want to go, but realistically, I'm not sure we'll be able to swing it. Yeah, the ticket is relatively cheap. But then there'd be my share of the house that the group is renting and spending money, and none of that is cheap. The trip comes before Brian's first paycheck would be due (assuming he does indeed have a full-time job for the 2008-09 school year, and I can't see why he wouldn't) - school starts August 25, which means the first pay period doesn't even end until after the trip, and his first paycheck wouldn't come until late October. I just don't know if we can justify spending $500 or so on a trip for me to see my friends, no matter how badly I may want to do it. Dammit, being a responsible grownup sucks rocks. This will be the third get-together I've missed if I don't get to go, and it makes me sad. I entered a contest where the prize is 250,000 airline miles, and that would help if I won, but that's no guarantee.

And I worry about things like finances, and then something pushes that back into perspective. An online friend knows a family whose little boy has some form of cancer, and his life expectancy was short, as in a year or so. Then suddenly they found out he had a slow bleed where the tumor was, and if that picked up and started bleeding more, his life expectancy would drop down to weeks or days. Yesterday the parents were arranging hospice care for their son. This really got to me. I cried half the way home, because I just can't imagine the wrenching pain of thinking you have a perfectly healthy child, to finding out your child is seriously ill, to finding out your child is terminal and doesn't have much longer to live. I had to thank God for my busy, stubborn, messy, loud, junk-food-eating, video-game-playing, not-sleeping, strong, healthy little boy, and I had to give him lots of hugs last night.

OK, to lighten things up just a little, here's a random question for the day: You know whenever you post on some message boards, you get the little message saying your message has been posted, please wait for your browser to forward you, and then it says something to the effect of, "if you do not wish to wait, click here"? If you can "click here" and not wait, why wait at all? That makes no sense to me. (Yes, it's Friday, and I'm distracted easily. LOL)

Hooray, it's almost time to go home! In case I don't post again this weekend, Happy Mother's Day to anyone reading this who's a mom! :) And go hug your own mother and tell her you love her - I'd pay money to be able to hug my mom.

Interviews and growing up

Brian called after his interview with Mansfield ISD this morning. His interview today wasn't for a specific position or with a specific campus. He met with two groups of three people, and those two groups will rate him on a scale of 1 to 5 (5 being the best). The candidates from the interview process who score either a 4 or 5 will have their resumes forwarded on to individual campuses for consideration for specific positions. Brian said he felt like it went well, and said he'd be really surprised if he didn't get a 4 or 5. He's one of the few men interviewing, which may work in his favor. They'll be forwarding resumes on within a couple of weeks, so that's when Brian can start expecting that he might hear something. So, now we wait some more! But it sounds like it went well for him, and I'm glad.

Still no word from Midlothian ISD about teaching positions, but it may be that we hear more once the school year is over. I'm trying not to stress about that, and in the meantime, we keep our eyes and ears open for opportunities.

J went to sleep by himself last night! With the door to his room closed (his choice)! He's never been a good sleeper, he's always wanted mama right there with him, so this is HUGE. We were reading and he said he wanted to turn off the light, so I did. He laid there for a minute or two and then asked me to turn on his little lantern and said he could go to sleep by himself. So I turned on the lantern, tucked him him, and left the room. In a few minutes he came out to where Brian and I were sitting on the couch. I asked him what he needed, and he said, "Nothing, I just wanted to give you a hug." Sweet boy. He went back to bed, and we heard the door close. Then we heard it open, and J came back out to the living room. He asked me to come tuck him in, and he wanted the little lantern off because he saw his reflection in the window and it scared him. So I tucked him in and asked if he wanted me to go, and he said, "Yes, but give me your hand for a minute." So I did, and he held onto my hand for a little bit, and then told me to go and shut the door, and said good night to me, and I said good night to him. I left the room and shut the door, and he went to sleep all by himself. I'm so proud of him. I know growing up can be tough to do sometimes, but I think last night was a big step for him.

I'm trying to do better about making notes of the things J does that I really want to remember when he's grown. Here's one: In the mornings we'll get up, and I'll tell him to surprise me and get dressed while I'm taking my shower. When I'm out of the shower, he'll come running into the room, with his hands up in the air, yelling, "Surprise!" And yes, he'll be dressed - that's the surprise. LOL

Blogged-In

Blogged-In Bounty is a site trying to promote family-friendliness in the blogging world. To build up readership, they're giving away a $100 Target gift card this month. If you're like me, that $100 Target card could be put to good use if you won it. So what are you waiting for? Go enter!

I've got other updates, too (like about how Spring Fling went and other odds and ends), but it's late. Brian's got an interview tomorrow morning, so we need to get a decent night's sleep. Here's hoping it goes well for him, and I'll write more later!

The good, the bad, and the merely insane

Good news: Well, we must be insane, because I have an appointment with my RE (short for reproductive endocrinologist - the same doc who helpd me get pregnant with J) on May 21. We decided time was a-wastin', and given my age and history, there was no point in continuing to try by ourselves for three months or six months or whatever if we seriously want to try for a child. I ain't gettin' any younger! Eek! Yay! Eek! Yay!

More good news: Elementary teaching positions have now opened up at three of the elementary schools in town (including the one closest to our house). Brian sent in his applications as soon as we knew, and hopefully he'll get some good news from that.

Bummer news: Brian got a $229 check as his refund from the electric company. It was made out to his ex, as the bill was in her name - he never changed it because they required some insane amount of cash to change it (which is why my bill is still in Kevin's name). So he tried signing her name and depositing it - our bank said no, because his ex wasn't there. Follow lots of calls to the electric company, in which they say they can't reissue the check because it's already been issued (um, how 'bout stopping payment on the first and sending a new one in Brian's name?), and long story short, the only real option is to have his ex (who no longer has any ID with Brian's name on it because she's remarried) write a letter to our bank explaining the situation and saying she releases her right to the check, signing the check with Brian's last name and with her married name, and asking them to let Brian deposit it. So he did - sent a letter for her to sign, sent the check, and sent a self-addressed stamped envelope for her to return it to us. He mailed it yesterday. Today he found the self-addressed stamped envelope and nothing else in our mailbox. So, where is the letter, where is the outside envelope, and most importantly, where the HELL is the check?! We can't afford to eat a $229 loss, and TXU (electric company) may say, "too bad, so sad," even if the postal service lost it. And how the hell would just that come out? And it's got a signature on it to where the bank won't cash it, so I'd think anyone who tried to cash it would be turned away. I'm hoping it fell out and no one recognized the name on the check, so they just put it aside to see if someone would come claim it. I know I left my debit card at the post office once, and they held it for me, so I don't think anyone at our post office would be dishonest enough to take it. We're hoping that the outer envelope just came unsealed and stuff fell out. *sigh* We could really do with having that back.

Other bummer news: Still no sub assignments for Brian, not since the one last week. With him having applications in with four area school districts, I'd think the phone would be ringing just a bit more. I know at one of the sub training sessions he went to, he was just about the only certified teacher there. Wouldn't you think that would count in his favor? I don't know why nothing is coming in, but it's not, and I'm starting to get antsy. Brian is, too.

More good news: J got a 100 on his first spelling test last week! And he's had a slew of green days and good days at the Y program lately. That makes me happy. He still has moments at home, but at least at school, things are going well. This makes me feel like the few dietary changes we've made so far are paying off.

Tonight is J's kindergarten program. He's going to be an army ant, and is really excited about it. They're having it professionally recorded, so I'm buying a DVD copy rather than carting the video camera and hoping I can get some decent shots. I can't wait to see it - I'm sure J will do fine, he always seems to do well in front of a crowd.

Pray hard!

Pray hard, think good thoughts, light candles, whatever works for you. Elementary positions have just (as in today - as of yesterday, they were internal only) opened up to all applicants at three of the elementary schools in town. Brian has already sent in his applications. I hope something works out!!!!! Twitch. Fidget. It would be such a relief to have something lined up for him full-time.

Boy, do I have a lot to catch up on!

We're settling in to married life, J is doing well and seems to be benefiting from having a man around the house, and now if Brian could just get some more sub work rolling in until he finds a full-time job, life would be dandy! So much to write about!

But first - Bloggy Giveaways. I had no idea such a thing existed, until someone posted it on the Lush forums. I'm entering the ones that appeal to me, and with 700+ giveaways posted, there are a lot of those! I'm hoping to have a giveaway of my own the next time they have a Bloggy Carnival.

I've got my first craft show coming up on May 3 - Bright Blessings will have a booth at Midlothian's Spring Fling. It's from 10 AM to 3 PM in Heritage Park, if any of my readers are in the D/FW area, come by and say hi! I'm freaking right out, wondering if I'm anywhere near prepared for this. LOL

And in other news, it looks like Brian will be in a band! He's going to be a bass drummer (*the* bass drummer?) for World Gone Mad. Thanks to my friend Heather and her husband for giving him the opportunity - he's really excited to be getting back to playing, and is driving me bonkers with the sticks and the practice pad. LOL

Busy afternoon at work, I'll write more later! No, really, I will!

Happy wedding day to me!

Brian and I are getting married today! Yay!!!!

So much going on, I don't know where to start!

Let's see if I can give some nutshell versions of what's going on:

~Brian is all moved in! Yay! We moved the last of his stuff up last Sunday. Now we're trying to bring order out of chaos, cleaning out and dejunking in a major way so we can get it organized for once and for all. No more half-assed shoving stuff in closets just so we can't see it. We are cleaning out the crap. We're planning a garage sale on April 26. J did well with the moving - he got whiny and crabby after a while, but he really was a good helper before he was worn out. He's thrilled that Oscar (Brian's cat) is at the house - he adores her (more on that later).

~J got his third Home-Gram at the after-school program this week - four or five time-outs for talking when he shouldn't have been, not sitting still, not listening, and for calling a parent fat. As it's his third, I now need to call the program director (I've left two messages for her now, and haven't gotten a return call, so apparently it's not *that* important that she speak to me, or I'd have expected a call back by now). He and I had a talk about a lot of things after this, and like he always does when he thinks I'm mad at him, he just burst into tears and became a sobbing mess. On the way home, we decided to order pizza for dinner. He started crying a few minutes after I'd called to order it because he didn't want cheese pizza, he wanted to cook something at home. I asked him what he wanted to fix at home, and he said he couldn't tell me. I told him that I couldn't fix what he wanted if I didn't know what it was, and he started howling that he didn't want to cook at home, he wanted to go eat somewhere because that was better. *sigh* He sobbed most of the way home. After we got home, I gave him half a juice glass of Dr Pepper and he calmed down almost immediately. He sat still all the way through dinner and ate a good solid meal rather than getting up every two or three bites and running off to do something else. He did what I asked without balking like he usually does. He played quietly with his Bionicles after dinner and wasn't all over the map with the "mama, mama, LOOK, come SEE, heyIfoundthisreallycoolBioniclevideoandweneedtowatchittwenty-seventimes" like he usually is in the evenings. It was amazing. I'd started the caffeine experiment because I'd read that caffeine may be helpful in kids with ADHD, and I didn't have any formal diagnosis on that, but I figured the caffeine would either send him into overdrive or it would help. Apparently it helps. Read on....

~A couple of weeks ago, J's teacher and I both filled out Conner's surveys to look for ADHD characteristics. The school counselor scored them, and we went over the results yesterday. J's issues don't rise to the level of a DSM-IV diagnosis, but he scored highly enough (primarily in hyperactivity/impulsivity) that the counselor felt he could benefit from treatment. She gave us a list of psychologists and psychiatrists that she's familiar with, and we talked about the possibility of medicine and about behavior modification. She said we should educate ourselves before we make any decisions, talk to J's doctor, talk to the counselor we already have, and then we just see what works. She has two sons who were diagnosed as ADHD when they were young, and she said that for them, finding the right medication made a world of difference. She also explained that it's not a one size fits all deal, that if we go the medication route, it would be monitored and would involve regular doctor visits to make sure things were on track. Nothing she said was a surprise to me, and J's teacher and I scored things very similarly. I was glad to see that J doesn't seem to have the zero-to-sixty meltdowns at school that he does at home, not according to his teacher's survey results. Anyway, now it's time for more research and appointments and we'll go from here. The psychologist that the counselor highly recommended is up the road in Desoto, and she said it could take about two months to get in to see him, so if we're going to do that, I guess it would be wise to go ahead and call.

But like the counselor said, I need to educate myself. Brian and I had been talking already before all the ADHD stuff came up about how bad high fructose corn syrup (HFCS, because I'm too lazy to type all that every time I mention it! LOL) is for you and how it's in every.freakin'.food product out there, and our desire to get away from it as much as possible. We went to a local Asian market on Tuesday, and as we looked at packages, we noticed that HFCS just isn't prevalent in the pastries and snack foods as it is in what's available at our local grocery store. We bought a couple of things to try, and while they were different than what we're used to, they were good. So we thought, hey, we'll try to do more shopping there, and we also want to support local growers and farmers' markets. Then I started researching about how changes in diet can impact behavioral issues, and I thought, hey, maybe there's something to this. So, what we'll try first, before going the medication route, is to change what we eat. I'd like to cut out as much as possible things like artificial sweetener, artificial colors (especially the red dye - I know that causes problems for some kids), some preservatives, HCFS, and see how that goes.

And from all the reading I've done, there could be a connection with sleep and bedwetting as well. As long as I wake J up to go to the bathroom once a night, he's generally fine. My theory is that he sleeps so deeply that the signals from his body that he needs to go don't wake him up. This may be due to diet throwing his sleep patterns off, leading to sleep that isn't what a normal, healthy sleep cycle could be, and that can show up in bedwetting and in ADHD-like symptoms of irritability, frustration, inattention, and the like. It's interesting reading, and right now, I'd love to go home and toss out all the crap in my pantry and start fresh, because I really want to see how it works! Realistically, I can't afford to restock my pantry from the ground up with healthier alternatives, so we'll do it a little at a time. I'll be writing about this, because I know it's going to be a challenge getting J off the Pop-Tarts he favors and onto something better for him. But if it helps, it is so worth it.

Things could be worse

That's what I tell myself after days like yesterday and this morning.

I had a tire that was low yesterday evening. I stopped and aired it up. By the time I picked J up from school, maybe 15 or 20 minutes later, it was low again. I went to have it checked. There was an unrepairable hole in it - tiny, just a pinhole, but the air whooshed right out (I could hear it hissing). And I thought I needed an alignment as well, for which I would need four good tires on my car and not the spare. So, I planned to take at least half a day off work today to get it taken care of.

Then there was J. He had a good day in class, but not so much in the after-school program. I found a Home-Gram waiting for me when I picked him up. That's what the after-school program sends home when your kid has a bad day. The first one he got was last year when he intentionally colored on the gym floor while in time out. Today he was in time out at least five times, maybe six, for not listening when he should have, for talking non-stop, for touching people when they didn't want to be touched (apparently there's some concern about J being a hugger, and about the fact that you can't do that at school - more on that momentarily), all things we've talked about in the context of class and at home. *sigh*

I've noticed that lately he's said that so-and-so doesn't like him anymore, and he said once that nobody liked him. I'm wondering now, if that truly is the case, if it's because he does things after people have asked him to stop. He does that to me at home - he'll make some irritating noise or tickle me or poke me and I'll tell him to please stop, that's bothering me. He keeps on and keeps on and keeps on until I'm screaming in frustration and annoyance, and then he's upset because I'm mad at him. If he's doing that to people at school, well, yeah, that's the kind of thing that would drive friends away after a while. I don't *know* if that's the case because I'm not there, but given how he does me at home, it's a reasonable suspicion. So we talked about that, about how people might not want to be friends if they ask you to stop doing something that bothers them and you don't stop. We talked about how it's just as important to listen and to mind the counselors at the Y program as it is to listen to his teacher and mind her in the classroom. He told me that if you get three Home-Grams, you get kicked out of the after-school program, and I told him, well, guess what, buddy, you've got two. I told him it was really important for both of us that he really make an effort to follow the rules and listen to the counselors and do what they said, because I can't take off work to be there when school is out and it's really important to me to know he's got a good, fun, safe place to be while I'm still at work. I hope this makes an impression, and I hope today was just an off day, just getting back into the routine after spring break. But honestly, it makes me want to cry, and it makes me worry for my son. I don't want him to be socially inept, I don't want him to be someone that no one wants to be friends with, and I can't fix this for him. I can offer suggestions and guidance, but I can't be the one to make friendships on his behalf. He's the one that has to figure out a way to do that.

As for the hugging - I'm not sure that's all J instigating it. We saw two of his friends at Wal-Mart yesterday evening when we went to get the tire checked, two little boys, and one of them ran up and hugged J first. I know this particular little boy is in the after-school program with J, which makes me wonder if J is always the sole instigator of the hugs or if sometimes he's just hugging back. I just told him we need not to be hugging on people at school or at the after-school program, that those are the rules, regardless of who hugs first.

J's teacher sent home the Conner's survey for me to complete, the one that looks for ADHD characteristics. I filled it out. Some things on the survey I never see in him - for example, being angry and resentful. J is like me - he gets mad/irritated/annoyed, he has a fit, and in a little while, he's fine and life goes on. There's not a whole lot of grudge-holding there. Some things on the survey I see all the time - for example, interrupting others' conversations or games. He does that constantly. I can't recall ever having a conversation where he hasn't tried to tell me something in the middle of it, and he's bad about telling me he wants me to get off the phone when I'm talking. Some days I think, eh, this is just five-year-old boy behavior, with a good dose of change and upheaval mixed in. And then there are days like yesterday, where I think, OK, is there something else going on? The repetition of things after being asked to stop makes me insane. Lately he's started making sounds like he's choking, and when I called him on it, he said he was just making funny noises. I told him I didn't like those noises because I thought he was choking when I heard them, so please don't make them, because it scares me. He kept on (this was two days ago), over and over again. Yesterday evening he started up with the noises again. I asked him to stop, he said why, I said because it sounds like you're choking. He did it again. I asked him again to stop. He did it again. I told him that when he kept on doing something after I'd asked him not to, it told me that he cared more about doing what he wanted than he did about what he was doing upsetting me, and that hurt my feelings. And then he cried because I was mad at him (and yes, at that point, I was). But what's not to get? "Please don't do such-and-such, it scares me." Or I don't like it. Or it's annoying. Or whatever. But if someone asks you repeatedly to stop doing something, how many times of the person getting angry or upset does it take for you to realize, hey, I really should stop when someone tells me they don't like what I'm doing? These are the things that make me worried that there really may be more going on than just five-year-old boy stuff, and worried that whatever the cause is, that I won't know how to help or how to control it or how to help J learn to control himself.

We'll see how today went. Hopefully he had a good day both in class and after school. I'm going to go pick him up a bit earlier than usual, since I ended up taking the whole day off work to get the tires taken care of. It took me for-freakin'-ever to find a place that could do both tires and alignments, but I did end up finding a place here in town. They quoted me a price of $235 and change for two new tires and the alignment. Turns out it was a bit cheaper than the price they originally quoted me - my car is made in such a way that the tires are going to wear on the inside, that can't be adjusted. So I really didn't need an alignment after all. That was happy news. I'm not crazy to have spent $184 on this, but at least it wasn't $235. And I have my car back now, so at least that particular crisis is resolved.

OK, if I'm going to accomplish anything before I go fetch the boy, I'd better get off of here and get to it.

Looking

At the suggestion of a fellow blogger who was kind enough to post a comment, I'm looking for crafters' groups in the D/FW area. I've done a couple of online searches and come up with - well, nothing. Not so far, anyway. There is the Dallas Craft Guild, but they appear to offer classes on everything BUT candlemaking or soapmaking. There's a piano tuners' guild, a group for calligraphers (which I have considered joining, as I do calligraphy, but I'm sticking to one hobby at a time for now!), but so far, nothing for chandlers or soapers. ??? But I'm determined. I'll keep looking, because you learn from people who've done this before, and I know there have to be people who've done this before in the Dallas area. I don't know if Bright Blessings will ever be sufficient to be a full-time sole source of income for me, but it can be more than it is right now. Other than my son, it's what I do that I enjoy most, and if I want it to succeed, I have to work at it. So, I'll work. Starting with a few more Google searches to see what comes up.

I also need to make myself a lightbox. I can use that to take vastly improved pictures of my products, as the ones on my website aren't all that. I'll need good photos for my brochures that I'm working on to send out with wholesale orders. And I'm really debating a revamping of my website altogether. I wish I knew more about HTML so I could do it myself, but I may have to spend the money to get a good complete overhaul. It seems a bit overwhelming at times. I really wish I could take a couple of months off work and focus on Bright Blessings, but I can't. Bother. A little at a time, though, and it may eventually fall into place.

The final countdown

Eleven days and counting until my wedding. Four days and counting until Brian moves. How much work do you think I'm getting done? LOL

Brian had his yard sale this weekend. It went pretty well. We sold most of the good stuff by around 10:00, and made over $100. Not bad, considering it was a pretty small sale. We decided we were done at that point, as traffic had slowed considerably, and we boxed up the rest and took it to Goodwill.

Oscar the cat came home with me Saturday evening. She meowed piteously for about a third of the trip home. For the next third, she settled down quietly in the back seat. For the final third, she decided to explore the front seat. Ever try to drive with a cat standing on your arm and looking out the driver's side window? No easy task, that's for sure. I finally got her moved to the passenger side, where she put her feet up on the dashboard and looked out the windshield. I had to laugh - when I was leaving Brian's, Oscar was in the car and I commented that I wondered how long it would be before she tried to climb in the front seat with me. Brian said he was sure she'd stay in the back. Before I could get around and get in the car, Oscar was in the front seat with her paws on the steering wheel. I wished I'd had the camera - she looked like Toonces the driving cat. LOL

J was certainly thrilled to see Oscar when he came home from K's yesterday. She stayed on J's bed for a long time, and every few minutes we had to go check on Oscar and see how she was doing. She even averted a meltdown this morning. J woke up agitating to get on the computer - my response was no, no time for computer on school mornings, we need to get ready for school and if you're on the computer, you're likely to forget everything else I might ask you to do. "I WON'T, I PROMISE, I - oh, hey, look, it's Oscar! Hey, Oscar! Are you hungry? (go feed cat) Did you have a good sleep? I'm going to school today, Oscar, what are you going to do?" Crisis averted. LOL

Really, how long do you think my attention span will be this week? I've got way too much to think about to concentrate on anything for any significant length of time. Come on, Friday!

I'm a groovy mother hen

So says the quiz!

What type of Mother Hen Are You?
by Montessorimom.com: Educational Resource

I never thought of myself as particularly groovy, but I'll go with it.

It's FRIDAY!!! Yay!!! I think everyone who could take the day off, did. I'm wishing I was one of them, because I am not motivated to be at work. We're short-handed, and I'm really hoping lots of people think Good Friday is a bank holiday and don't call. I've got so many things rolling around in my head, it's a wonder they don't start leaking out my ears.

This weekend is Brian's yard sale. We'll sell what we can, and whatever doesn't sell goes to Goodwill. I'm going to box up a few things and take them down for the sale - might as well get rid of some of my junk while we're at it. Oscar the cat will be coming back home with me, so she can start getting acclimated to her new home. She's stayed with us before, so it's not completely unfamiliar territory.

Next weekend - the move! Brian's got the job fair for our local school district on the morning of the 29th, and during that time, J and I will be picking up dishes (I found someone selling a ton of stoneware in my discontinued pattern), going to his counseling appointment, and maybe getting our hair cut. That afternoon and Sunday (if need be), we'll be shuttling back and forth, getting the rest of Brian's stuff and getting his old house cleaned up.

And the weekend after that - wedding! I told Brian that we'll probably just crash from exhaustion and spend that weekend sleeping. LOL "So, what did you do on your honeymoon?" "Slept. For eighteen straight hours." LOLOL

I've also got possibilities for wholesale orders for Bright Blessings. So much to think about - marketing materials, products, pricing, website upgrades to have a wholesale section.... It makes my head spin. In a good way, but still - lots of spinning. And the Spring Fling is coming up, as are the Boutique Boxes. GAH. I need a sabbatical from my day job to work on Bright Blessings stuff!

Home again, home again, jiggety jig

We took a road trip to see family this weekend. Two days at my dad's house, one day at K's parents', and a stop for lunch with Brian's parents. 800+ miles and a good 13-14 hours in the car. I'm tired, and really wishing I'd taken today off from work to recover!

Healthwise, my dad is doing about as well as can be expected. The Parkinson's is progressing to some extent, and the doctor just changed his meds. His blood sugar is OK most days - not great, but OK. But mentally/emotionally, I'm worried about him. I'm worried about my dad, though. He's fine with me and J, but he's getting mean in some ways. He's always been a difficult person to live with - very outspoken, very blunt, quick to anger and slow to admit he's wrong. With me, at least, that's mellowed somewhat as he's gotten older. My stepmom and I had a chance to talk, though, and he's getting to the point where he'll say things to other people that are really just hateful. If he'd said them to me, I'd have stopped talking to him, that's for sure. She said his tendency to do this is driving their friends away, and I hate that. I don't know if it's age, if it's some transmogrification of the Parkinson's, if it's both, if it's just that he's scared to death that he has no control over how things will progress, or if it's just a magnification of personality traits that are already there, but I don't like the mean streak. They got a puppy - three months old. He's a cute pup, bouncy and hyper and jumpy and barky like puppies are. J doesn't do well with bouncy barky dogs, so I'd hold Jake (the puppy) while J went by. We were getting ready to leave and Jake was all excited and kept trying to climb in my car. I didn't care, I'd just shove him away gently and tell him no. I figure he's about like a little kid, he has to hear it forty-seven thousand times before he gets it. LOL But my dad shoved Jake and hit him, hard, and that worried me. I told him that wasn't necessary on my account, that Jake would get it with time and repetition, there was no need to be so rough. And sometimes it's like he's looking for things to pick a fight about. My stepmom had gone to Monroe to see her great-grandbaby, and was on her way home when I got in Saturday, so she wasn't there when I got there. It never occurred to me to be in the least upset about it - that meant that her daughter and granddaughter were with her, so I got to see them, too, and I got to see pics of the grandbaby, yay! That was fun for me. My dad told me on Monday that he was sorry my stepmom gave me the cold shoulder, that she'd known I was coming way before she'd planned that trip to Monroe, and it was like he was upset she'd gone instead of staying there to see me. ??? I told him she and I were just fine, we get along well, and that if I had a problem with anything she said or did to me, I was a grown woman and would certainly tell her how I felt, that he didn't need to get all worked up over some perceived slight to me. I don't get that at all. He just seems to see things so differently than I do, and I hurt for him. If he keeps it up, he's going to chase off all his friends, and he'll be alone. I know getting old sucks, and he's always been such a control freak that the Parkinson's must scare the bejeezus out of him, but that's no reason to be hateful to people. And he's 81 - the likelihood of his behavior changing at this point is slim to none, especially if any part of it is just the progression of the disease.

It worries me, too, because should he become incapacitated, someone will need to handle his affairs. My stepmom is the logical choice, as she's there and she's the one running the house and keeping things up. But given the conversation he and I had this weekend, I don't know if he'd ever sign anything naming her power of attorney. Sure, I could do it, but it seems silly for him to name me when I'm seven hours away. I just worry as to how all this will get taken care of when he sometimes seems to have this mentality that the whole world is against him, even his wife.

Other than that worry, the trip was good. J came home with more stuff than I don't know what, and K's parents sent us home with enough groceries that I shouldn't have to shop for a month. It was good to see everyone, even if it meant a long trip for us. It rained a lot on the drive home, but we made it safely, and the house was still standing when we got home, so it's all good.

J's teacher sent home a Conner's scale, a survey that looks for ADHD characteristics. She said she filled out the teacher's scale, and sent the parent's version home for me to fill out and return. The counselor will then score the surveys and let me know the results. Some things are "never or seldom" for him, like being angry and resentful (not so much), having no friends, checking things over and over again, fussy about cleanliness (I laughed out loud when I read this one - hardly! LOL), irritable, headaches, blaming others for mistakes/misbehavior. Some things are "very much true" - inattentive/easily distracted, easily frustrated, easily distracted by extraneous stimuli, interrupts others' conversations/games, has a hard time waiting his turn/waiting in line, always "on the go". I'm curious to see how my answers compare to his teacher's, and what the counselor sees. It will certainly give us something to talk to our counselor about. On the one hand, it makes me nervous - you hate for your child to be labeled in any way, even if having a label can help in areas where help is needed. On the other, I know his teacher is just offering a tool, something we may be able to use to address behavior concerns even if things don't rise to the level of ADHD, and that's a good thing. Also, if there is a real, genuine problem, then it's better to know sooner rather than later. I honestly don't know what the counselor will see when the results are tallied. I don't know how much of J's bounciness and inattention is due to some possible diagnosable issue and how much of it is just 5-year-old boy dealing with a lot of change in his life. We'll see.

So. Ten days until Brian's move, seventeen until the wedding! K's grandmother was there this weekend, and bless her, she gave me some money as a wedding gift. I don't know what I'll do with it - she suggested some nice lingerie. LOLOL I love Granny, she is an absolute card. Anyway, I'm going to Brian's this weekend to help with the yard sale. Whatever doesn't sell, if he doesn't want to move it, we're taking it to Goodwill. I'm going to see if I can get motivated and box up some stuff I might want to sell, too, while we're selling.

And good news - Brian has found a retail outlet that may be interested in carrying Bright Blessings goodies! The man who's opening the shop is looking for Texas-made products to offer, and I'm going to get a sample basket made up to take down there this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed!

I'm going to kick something now.

I scream now, 'K? A little back story: I changed bank accounts back in November. I told State Farm of the change, to make sure my insurance premiums came from the new account - gave them a cancelled check, signed the paperwork, the whole nine yards. Fast forward to January. I got a cancellation notice for my insurance, saying it was two months overdue. Huh?! So I called and talked to Carla, who remembered talking to me the first time, and found out the draft hadn't changed to my new account. They'd been trying to take the premiums from the account that I'd already told them was closed. I was a bit perturbed, to put it mildly. She told me she'd talked to someone in operations and made sure the change was made, they'd refund my two overdraft charges, and that things should be back on track. OK, fine.

Today I called State Farm about getting the homeowners' premium added to my monthly bank draft. Imagine my surprise when Carla said the February payment was returned (supposedly after she and I had the whole discussion about the wrong account being drafted and her talking to someone in operations in Dallas to confirm they had the right account), and my draft was turned off right now, and they have to collect for March to get it set back up. WHAT THE...?!?!?! I'm sure my blood pressure went through the roof at that point. Supposedly whatever was returned was returned on Feb. 20. That's around the time I got my tax refund and got paid, so I KNOW there was money in the account. Also, I've never gotten an overdraft notice, which would have happened well before now if something were returned (and a whole host of other things would have been returned as well if I were out of money on Feb. 20). I don't know what the hell they're talking about or why anything should have showed up as returned. She couldn't see my whole account number, since the draft is turned off right now, but she'll pull my file so that when I go in to pay on Friday, I can confirm that it's correct. I'd be willing to bet someone keyed in the account number incorrectly, or the routing number, or something. I am so annoyed, I could scream. If it weren't for the fact that State Farm likely does offer the best value on my insurance right now because of the multi-line discount and longevity discount, I would go somewhere else. This is just beyond ridiculous, and if one more thing like this happens, I'll probably eat the cost and go elsewhere.

It seemed like a good idea at the time - now how do I get out of it?

I have a feeling things are about to take a turn at work that I'm not going to like. I wanted the role I have now because it doesn't involve administering a book of accounts - that's what I did when I started, and frankly, I wasn't cut out for it. Well, my cohort on another team is taking on some accounts, due to the fact that we've had some people leave and can only replace internally. There aren't any more people to move around internally, so some accounts from the people who are leaving are having to be divided up among the teams, and he's going to be administering accounts now. I foresee a future where I fill both the role I'm in now, which is OK, and also become an administrator of a smaller book of accounts, which I do not want, and I am so not happy about it. I had a book of accounts - I hated it. I sucked at it. Do. Not. Want.

This job seemed like such a good idea in 2004. It surely hasn't turned out that way, has it? I've met some wonderful people, but the job itself hasn't done me any favors. I'm probably making at least $10,000 less than I would be now if I'd stayed at my previous job - not getting raises or bonuses is painful. I'm not using my law degree. I'm so far removed from using my law degree that I'd probably have a hard time getting a good job in the legal profession. (I'm not real torn up about that, though, as I don't think I'm really wired to be a truly good attorney anyway.) I just feel like I've boxed myself in here, I don't know where to turn next, and I hate that feeling.

So, what might I do if I could?

~Something computer-related - I love working with computers. I'm the IT person for our team when the IT guy isn't around. LOL I'd rock as, say, a programmer. he downside is, I've got no formal training or education in the field, the market isn't great right now, and I'd likely have to start out in a call center setting, where the pay would suck and the work would give me an ulcer.

~Court reporting - I type quickly and accurately, I've got a legal background, and I'm persnickety about details. The downside is, getting the certification would cost me about $25,000 and take me five years to complete, going to school at night (I figure I won't be in a position to quit my day job, we can't make it on just Brian's teaching salary).

~Medical transcription - the downside is, certification is required (at about 18 months and about $3500 taking the coursework online, it's not as daunting as court reporting, but it's something to consider all the same), and based on information from friends who work in transcription, more jobs may be going overseas and it may be harder to find work here. Which stinks, because I would totally rock at transcription. I did it part-time last year, and I was up to about 200 lines an hour, which is damn good. Experienced transcriptionists are considered to do well if they can transcribe about 150 lines an hour. And I could hopefully find a job that would let me work from home, where I'd have only myself to deal with during most work days, I'd be left alone to do my work, I'd turn it in when I was done, I'd get more work, and life would go right on. I wouldn't have to worry about being someone's backup when they're out on medical leave for weeks, or answering phones because we're shorthanded, or anything like that. It would be perfect for me, but given the current conditions in the field, I'm not sure it would work out that way.

~Librarian - I actually contemplated getting my MLS and going to work as a librarian. With a law degree and an MLS, I'd be a great law librarian. The biggest downside to that is that law librarian positions are few and far between, and there's no guarantee that a job would open up where I want to be (that is to say, here). I don't want to move. I don't want to go live in BFE, New York because that's where a law librarian job is. And most librarian jobs appear to pay less than what I'm making now, so that isn't a good thing, either.

~Teaching - I've considered getting my alternative certification and going into teaching. Lots of pros, mostly centered around my schedule being compatible with J's schedule and (hopefully) me having a much shorter commute, saving on gas and parking and wear and tear on the car. But deep down, I have my doubts as to whether I'm really cut out to be a teacher. I'm not sure I have the patience for it, and that's a big enough career change that I wouldn't want to make it without being reasonably sure I'd do all right in the field. Again, there'd be some education/training involved - I'd have to take the coursework to be certified to teach, and that costs about $2000, if I recall correctly.

So, I've got lots of ideas, but nothing that I can see as being really viable. *sigh* Who knows, maybe Bright Blessings will take off at some point. I'll be sending samples to the Boutique Boxes, which is a sample box sold to retailers looking for products they can buy wholesale and resell in their own shops - if someone loves my stuff, maybe I'll get a good wholesale order or two out of the deal. I'd be happy if Bright Blessings did well enough that I could work part-time doing something or other, and then do tarts and candles and whatnot the rest of the time. I don't know if that's realistic, though. I should have stuck to some form of science as my major in college and given law a miss altogether, and this is why I think it's generally not the best idea to have people deciding what they want to major in, what field they want to pursue, what they want to be when they grow up, when they're 18 or 19 or 20 years old. I'd love to see J go out and work for a while after high school, see what's out there, try to figure out what he's really good at and what his passion is. I don't want to see him like me, starting out with a world of potential and ending up feeling stuck in some dead-end job and wishing I'd made different choices all those years ago.

There's got to be more out there than this. I just have to figure out what "more" might be for me and how to get there.

And now a proper update

Here's some more about what's really been going on in my life, as opposed to just my angst-ridden worry.

Let's see, what's happened since I posted last? We got snow last Thursday night. Yep, snow. Not much, just enough to delay the start of school for a couple of hours. J was very disappointed when I told him to get dressed on Friday morning. He said, "But Mama, it's a snow day!" I said no, not a whole snow day, we both still had to go to school and work. He said he didn't want to go to school, it was too cold. We did play in the snow a bit before we left, though, and he was fascinated by it. We didn't have enough to do much, but he had fun.

It was a decent weekend. J went to K's, and didn't fuss too much about it. He started with the not wanting to go to daddy's, and I told him he'd have fun with the other kids, and that I'd have a lot to do (and I listed some of the things I planned to do), and he seemed OK after that.

Brian came up, and we did some things around the house and ran errands. I made my usual Saturday trip to the post office. I think they'd die of shock if I didn't come in on a Saturday to send things out, pick things up, or both. He went back to Waco Sunday morning. It's less than three weeks now until he won't have to go back anymore. And it's only 25 days until our wedding! It still feels like we have a lot to do - not necessarily in terms of wedding planning, but in terms of making the house presentable. His mom will likely come by after the ceremony, and I don't want her to see it looking like a disaster.

Naturally, I decided to do things involving heavy lifting after Brian had left. I'm trying to reclaim my kitchen from candle mania, so last night I cleaned out the study closet, moved the old Apple computer out of the study, moved my filing cabinet out to where I can use it for organizing shipping supplies and labels, moved two sets of shelves into the study, and loaded the shelves up with my supplies. It's helped, but as sore as my back is this morning, you'd think I'd see more improvement.

I hate daylight savings time. Since it's not light early in the mornings anymore, it's harder for me to wake up. Our power went out during the night, so we totally overslept. We got to school and work on time, but it made for a hectic morning, and I hate those. And now I'll get to start fighting the fight about not having to take a bath or do anything remotely connected to bedtime until the last speck of light leaves the sky. Yep, not liking the DST so much.

J seems to be starting with a goopy cough. We may have to make a trip to see the pediatrician this week if it doesn't clear up. We're supposed to go to Louisiana this weekend to see family (J is off next week for spring break, so we're taking a couple of days off), and I don't want him to have the barking crud while we're traveling. He tried to tell me he had fever this morning - he said his head was warm, and I told him of course it was warm, that if it wasn't, he'd be dead. LOL I did check, though, and he wasn't running a fever. He was just angling for a day at home.

Oh! How could I forget? J got FIVE green days last week! (He had a spell there where he got a good number of yellow and red days - never for anything major, for things like talking during work time and not sitting still and running in the hall - but I know first grade will be less tolerant of such things and so the time to deal with it is now.) He also brought home a good report card - S's in everything except writing his name appropriately, he got a P (progress) on that. His handwriting is awful, he makes his J's backward as often as he makes them the right way, and half the time he forgets to write his name on his paper. So we'll be working on that. But he did well. I'm proud. :)

Three weeks and counting

In less than three weeks, Brian will be here. In less than four weeks, we'll be married. I'm excited, but a little nervous, too. What if my first marriage fell apart because I'm somehow fundamentally unfit to be married? I don't really think that's the case - Brian said one of the ladies at his church was "warning" him today how you don't really know someone before you marry them, and I thought about that, and he knows me better than just about anyone. He's seen aspects of my personality that most other people will never see, as I have with him, and if neither of us has called it quits by now, I don't suppose we're likely to. But there's still the occasional twinge of nerves, you know?

But Brian isn't Kevin, I'm not the same person I was fifteen years ago, and our marriage won't be the same as my first marriage. If I didn't believe this, it wouldn't be happening. Not to say that all will be perfect - I'm sure there will be days when we're getting on each other's last nerve. But this one is for keeps.

I miss my mom. I wish I could talk to her - well, talk to her in such a way that I could hear her answer me. She had so much to do with planning my first wedding, and it sucks that I'm doing this one without her. I think she'd like Brian. I just wish she were here.

And then there's work. I am so sick of corporate America, I could scream. I can't say anything bad about my manager - he's been a stand-up guy and has gone to bat for me more than once. I just hate all the micromanagement that seems to be inherent in the corporate world, I hate my commute, I hate being away from home for twelve hours out of every day, I hate that right now we're prisoners of my schedule, and it's not what I want to do with my life. But I can't figure out what I *do* want to do. Everything that occurs to me either requires more education, would have me taking a substantial pay cut to get into the field, or just isn't anything I can support myself doing. When my pension vests, I'm looking for something, anything closer to home. I don't care if I use my law degree. It was an ill-advised career choice for me anyway. I just want something that pays the bills, where I feel appreciated, where I enjoy what I do more often than not, and where I don't have the commute from hell. You'd think that I could find something, right?

Ugh, midnight. So much for going to bed early tonight.

Shine Like the Sun

www.myspace.com/murfmurphymusic

I don't know how to add this to my music player in the sidebar, so I'm putting it here. An old friend of mine wrote this song for his wife's mother's funeral, and he shared it with me.

I miss my mother, but it's a great comfort knowing that the goodbye I told her in 1995 isn't goodbye forever.

A shameless plug

The Opinionated Parent is having a giveaway right now:

http://www.theopinionatedparent.com/?p=364

The prize is the School Zone Preschool/Kindergarten Super Scholar CD-ROM 4-pack (ARV $34.99), and the giveaway ends this Friday, February 15, at midnight mountain time.

I get an extra entry for blogging, and I do so love bonus entries. :-)

If it makes you happy

Things should make me happy, right? Bright Blessings is doing pretty well for a little start-up, Brian will be here soon, we'll be married soon, J is doing well in school - these are all good things, yes?

Then why the unease? Yeah, I've got some financial stuff that I'm trying to sort out, and that situation isn't nearly where I'd like it to be. But still - there's this sense of disquiet underlying nearly everything right now. I don't know why, and I don't like it. Perhaps change, even change you dearly want, is just unsettling?

It's almost time for me to get out of here - I'll write more later.

So many good things!

Look!

Indie of the Week on Wickedly Chic

It's me!!!!!!! It's Bright Blessings!!! And the reviews are GOOD!!! I'm so excited, I could cry. Hopefully this is the beginning of really good things for my little brainchild.

In other news: It's time for a change. Brian's lease ends at the end of March. He's told his boss he'll be leaving his current job, and he'll be moving up here. He's going to substitute teach for the rest of the spring semester - there are enough schools around here that he shouldn't have a problem finding assignments - and hopefully he'll be able to find a full-time job for the fall. It's scary, but exciting, too. Would I feel better if he had a definite job lined up? Sure. I'm nothing if not practical, and I like to know the how, why, where, when, how much. But it's come to the point where we either have to decide to be in the same place and make it work, or give up on it. We've been together for over two years, I love him, he loves me, J thinks he's great, things are all good on the meeting-the-family front - time to fish or cut bait. So, it's time for a leap of faith. Eek! Yay! Eek! Yay!

I'm sure I've got more to write, but I'm far too fidgety to focus for that long right now. (And I wonder where J gets it.)

Happy 2008!

A new year, another chance for things to go fabulously right, horribly wrong, or somewhere in between.

In 2004 and 2005, I was waiting for my marriage to officially be over. In 2006, Brian and I were just starting to figure out that maybe there was something really good going on with us. Now it's the end of 2007, the start of 2008. Still no job for Brian here, but hopefully that will change soon. No wedding ring on my finger as of yet, although I did get my promise ring for my birthday. But we're in it for the long term, and I believe things will work out.

Good things in 2007:

~I got to move to a new job role at work, so my job no longer sucks big dirty rocks and no longer makes me want to cry or throw up when I get there.
~J started kindergarten.
~My promise ring, and what it stands for.
~Bright Blessings is at least up and running, if not taking the world by storm.
~I no longer cry (well, not much) when I pay bills.
~No credit cards means no huge after-Christmas debt to pay off!
~My dad came to my house for the first time in five years, and it was a good visit.
~I think we've found a church home we can really fit into, and where we can really find a community of faith to be a part of.

Not so good things in 2007:

~My new job role is a huge improvement over my old one, but it's kind of boring sometimes, and still not something I see me doing for the duration of my career. But hey, it's better than it was.
~I learned that my dad has Parkinson's.
~Finances still aren't as stable as I'd like them to be.

Two things I'd like to keep in mind as a new year begins:

Once I had it all planned out
My dirty fingers moved about
To make a mess of everything around me
I don't claim to know my way
I still run in circles everyday
Running around half blind
Life can be unkind
But it's better than it was
It's better than it was
I complain very little because
It's better than it was

I get to remembering
We had a lot more money then
To make a mess of everything around us
Now the money comes and goes a bit faster
Then my confidence grows
Everybody knows
There ain't nothing new about money woes

But it's better than it was
It's better than it was
It's better than it was
It's better than we ever could have
Wished it to before
It was bad a while ago
Better this I know

It's better than it was
Better than it was
I complain very little because
It's better than it was
-Fastball, "Better Than It Was"

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

I'm starting to see now that, even when things have seemed hopeless, even when I've thought that I can't possibly keep going, can't possibly get out of whatever mess I find myself in, somehow the worst never happens. I may anguish for a while and fret and stew, but the sun comes up the next day, the world keeps on turning, I keep breathing in and out and putting one foot in front of the other. God has never yet let me down, and I see now that He's been the one carrying me all along. It's not my strength getting any of this done, and now that I see that, maybe I'll finally have sense enough to get out of the way and let God do. My faith has waxed and waned over the years, and the past two or three or four years have likely been the lowest point to date. I don't know His plans, but I've got the hope back, and I'm eagerly anticipating the future that is to come.

Happy Christmas to me!

Guess what I'm doing on Monday? Getting a new garage door opener! Yes, it's a thrill a minute at my house, but this is a huge deal. I got a new opener just over a year ago - a Genie, bought it from Lowes, and the darn thing has NEVER worked properly. The remotes never would open the door from outside (which is, of course, where you *want* a garage door remote to work), and most days wouldn't even work inside the garage. New batteries, new remote, a different kind of remote, and a whole host of phone calls to Genie later (Lowes said call Genie, and Genie said they didn't send out service people, but they'd try to help me by phone - gee, thanks), it still doesn't work.

So I'm taking my Christmas money and getting a new opener installed. Midlothian Garage Door Service will be at my house Monday morning between 8 and 10 AM (and could have been there today, if I were home), and the owner said the new opener WILL work when they leave, and that I can call him anytime if there are problems. I think I'll shop locally from now on. It may end up costing me a bit more, but I'll know who to get in touch with if I need some help.

No more parking the car out in the driveway in the wind and rain and cold! Yay!!! Happy Christmas to me, indeed!

Much to catch up on

No zoo job for Brian. That's a bummer, but still, teaching may work out to be the better thing for him. So he's still applying. Yes, a permanent, full-time job would be preferable to taking sub assignments and whatever can be done in the summer and hoping for a full-time assignment for the start of the 2008-09 school year. But there are enough school districts close by that finding plenty of work as a sub shouldn't be hard to do, and if teaching is what Brian is meant to do, then something will work out.

My dad came for Christmas. He called the Thursday before and said he was coming for Christmas Day, and I nearly fainted. I love my dad, but he's a Perfectionist with a capital P, and my house is nowhere near perfect. So Brian was here that weekend, and we frantically cleaned and dejunked and stowed stuff out of sight as much as possible. I had to go to work on Monday, and Brian was here with J. He called me about 2:30 and said, "Guess who's here!" Yep, my dad. So much for doing any more cleaning before he came over, it was what it was, and what it was, was a mess. The house was certainly not up to dad standards, but you know what? It was OK. He might have come near to biting a hole through his tongue to keep from commenting, but he said not one word about the clutter around the house. And we had a nice visit. This was the first time my dad had come to my house in five years. The last time he was here was shortly after J was born. So there was no way in the world I was going to tell him not to show up. I worry about him, though. The tremors are more noticeable now, so that either means he's becoming accustomed to his meds or the Parkinson's is progressing, or both. My stepmom and I were both worried about him driving by himself, but once my dad gets an idea in his head, it's not coming out, so drive by himself he did. He didn't stay long, he headed back home before lunchtime on Christmas Day, but I'm glad we got to spend some time together. J was glad to see his papaw, which made me happy, and probably my dad, too, especially since they don't see each other very often.

And Santa was good to us. J got a lot of goodies, but the big thing was the Wii. He seems to prefer watching me play most of the time, as he gets aggravated when he can't make it do what he wants and refuses to wait for direction most of the time. But he's shown himself to be quite the pro at boxing, of all things. He has a little running commentary going as he plays: "Go! Get him! Smash him! Pow! Bang! You gonna mess ME up?" and on and on. I really need to get video of it, because it's pretty darned funny.

More kid funnies: J's stepsister has apparently claimed him for her own. J went to K's on Christmas night and stayed the next day, and his stepsister followed him around constantly, asking where "her J" was and saying she was going to sit by "her J". Heaven help any future girlfriend of J, as his stepsister is likely to knock said girlfriend's block off. LOL

I'm sure there's more I need/want to write about, but this will have to do for now. It's bedtime.

Better

J went to school on Thursday with the understanding that he would apologize and offer to help clean up the mess. One of the guys at the Y program told me that evening that J offered to help not once, but twice. So he did well, my little boy, and I hope this will stick with him and there'll be no more coloring on the floor.

Today was the first day Brian might possibly have heard from the Dallas Zoo. No word. Hopefully that means he'll hear something Monday, and not that he didn't get the job. Twitch, fidget.

I'm going to be up late tonight, trying to finish up Bright Blessings orders and get 'em out the door. I wish I had more hours in the day, so I could devote more time to that. Heck, I wish I could quit my day job and do Bright Blessings full time, but I'm nowhere near that point, and may never be.

Unnecessary decoration

K just called (he picks J up on Wednesdays and they go do something, just the two of them). J got into trouble today. At the after school program, he was given a time out for some minor infraction. While in time out, he took it upon himself to decorate the gym floor with crayons. If it doesn't come out, the Y (they run the after school program) will be responsible for it, and I don't know if that will somehow be passed along to me or what. J knows better. He knows we only color on paper, and I've never had him color on anything like that at home, at least not since he wasn't old enough to know better. I'm so vexed right now, I could scream.

The wai-ai-ting is the hardest part

My apologies to Tom Petty. LOL

Brian had his interview with the zoo on Monday. He felt like it went pretty well. He said there were a couple of points he knew he wasn't as strong on (for example, management experience - he has experience managing a classroom, but that doesn't seem to count as "management experience"), but he did as well as he could on those and did fine on other questions. They had three more people to interview, and apparently they're looking to make a decision soon. They asked when he could be here if he were offered the job. He said he had to give a month's notice to his current employer, and they asked, "So you could be here by mid-January?" Given that his interview was on December 10, I'd say that sounds like they may have a decision by this Friday (December 14 is just about mid-December, after all). So now we wait. I hate waiting.

From one extreme to the other

Yesterday we were wearing shorts. Today it's 35 degrees out and they're talking about possible ice storms and freezing rain. !!! It's true - if you don't like the weather in Texas, wait a minute, it'll change.

Guess I'd better enjoy it while it lasts

We've been watching Monster House tonight - cute movie, and apparently my kid is going to be a scary movie freak. It fazes him not at all. Anyway, the main characters in the movie are pre-teen/early teens, I guess, and at one point the girl kisses the hero of the film. J saw that and said, "Ewwww, gross, stinky girl kisses!" I'm sure the time will come all too soon when he doesn't think girl kisses are stinky anymore.

It's all fun and games until someone has to lose

Tonight was movie night at J's school - free movie, pizza for a dollar a slice, drinks and snacks for 50 cents each. I love that his school does things like this. It's inexpensive entertainment, and it gives us a chance to get away from the TV and get out and do things. (Yes, I know, movie, TV, both involve watching something on a screen - but a movie with a cafeteria full of elementary school kids is definitely not a sedentary activity!)

J must have been hungry - he ate FIVE pieces of pizza when I was there, and the woman who works with the after-school program said he had three pieces of pizza between the time school ended and the time I got there. *eek* I'm thinking growth spurt. That, or lunch today wasn't quite what he was hoping for and he didn't eat. We got our food and put our blankets out in what we thought was a good spot, but had to move to be closer to some of J's friends. The movie started at 7:00, and the feature this evening was to be The Santa Clause 3. Not having seen 1 or 2, I worried that we wouldn't be able to follow the plot, but it was fine. It was actually a pretty cute movie, or at least the parts I got to watch were. J decided that mama made a great pillow, and laid down on my back. Have you ever had a 50-something pound boy lying on your back while you're lying on a tile floor? One word: ouch. Hard to concentrate like that, that's for sure.

But anyway, we watched the movie and stuffed ourselves full of pizza, and J got to play with some of his friends. And at the end of the evening, there was a drawing for door prizes, one of which was a copy of the movie we'd just watched. J waited anxiously for the number to be called...and was crushed when it wasn't his. He sobbed and cried that he'd wanted to win, he didn't win anything, everyone was supposed to win a prize. I explained to him that no, everyone didn't get a prize, there were only three prizes, and way more people than that. Sometimes you win, sometimes you don't. He was pretty well inconsolable all the way out to the car, until I thought to tell him that who knew, Santa might leave that movie in his Christmas stocking. And you never know, stranger things have happened.

He sacked out sometime after 10:00 tonight, and I'm going to get myself to bed here in a minute. Just because he was up late doesn't mean he'll sleep late - never has. And we've got lots to do tomorrow!

And what's with the weather?!

It's in the high 70s today. Apparently the weather pixie missed the memo that it's December. But hey, I guess I'll take short sleeves over shoveling snow any day.

Christmas shopping

Well, I'm pretty much done with shopping for J! He's getting a Wii this year. (OK, OK, *we're* getting a Wii - I'm excited about it for me, too!) He's quite the little gamer, and can take off and play most anything if I'll help him read the instructions. He enjoys playing games, he likes his stepbrother's old Playstation (at least I think it's a Playstation - Playstation, XBox, something or other), and I figured that with the Wii, at least it's motion controlled, so he'll be up and jumping around, and it's something we can do together. I'm pretty darn excited about it. I've got accessories on the way, and I'll grab a few stocking stuffers, but that's all done.

Family - we're doing homemade things this year, and pictures of the grandson. Those always go over well, especially since grandparents don't get to see J so much as they might like, with us being in different states.

As for me, there's just not a whole lot I want. Now I understand why my mother never could give me gift ideas for herself when I was growing up - it's so much more fun to do for J and to do for those I love that honestly, there just isn't anything I could ask for. Well, except for a job for Brian. If God could see fit to open some doors up this way sometime soon, that would be the best Christmas gift of all.

What's your elf name?

In the spirit of the season, I've swiped this from Dixie's blog and placed it here, for the entertainment of anyone who might happen by.

Your Elf Name Is...

Happy Sticky Fingers

What's Your Elf Name?

Wouldn't it be nice if this was right?

Today's online fortune cookie:

"Your enterprise will bring great profit."

Well, that would be a dandy way to start the new year! My experience with Black Friday sales has been very enlightening. I didn't get vast quantities of orders - barely in the double digits. But for me, as a one-woman show, trying to work around my day job and motherhood, it's more than enough to keep me hopping. In the interest of keeping my products top quality and keeping turnaround time reasonable, I'm going to cut my scent list back a good bit after the first of the year. Having orders for tarts in forty or fifty different scents, one or two of each, is tough on me. You can't make just one tart at a time, so I end up making at least half a pound's of wax worth (about four tarts, or two tarts and two batches of tiny twinkles), and hope the ones not needed right then sell at some point. So I end up making forty or fifty batches of tarts, using a lot of wax, and possibly ending up with a lot of excess inventory. Yep, definitely a learning experience. But hopefully cutting down on the number of scents will help with that.

It's been a day at work. I spent the morning getting stuff ready for committee review this afternoon, and then I got to go to the Dallas Estate Planning Council meeting for lunch and a presentation. Free lunch - always good. Free CLE (continuing legal education) hours for listening to the presentation - even better. The meeting turned out to be longer than we'd thought - lunch from 12:00 to 12:30 and then the presentation from 12:30 to 2:30, instead of the usual one-hour presentation. Good for me, that means one more hour of CLE credit than I expected. The speaker was really good, and seeing her talk reinforces for me that it's a good idea that I never went into private practice. I'm just not convinced I have the personality for it.

And now it's after 3:00 and I'm trying to motivate myself to be wildly productive. Ha, ha. Wish me luck.

Honestly, who thinks up this stuff?!

Leapin' lizards! The things people will do to get high.

Originally posted on the Kansas City Star website.

A 21-year-old Kansas City, North, man arrested in October is accused of possessing a controlled substance.

Clay County authorities are worried that the unusual type of substance -- the venom of the Sonoran Desert toad of the Colorado River -- in the case against David S. Theiss is becoming popular.

Officials accuse Theiss of possessing the toad with the intent to extract the venom to smoke it.

Clay County Prosecutor Daniel White said the case is an example of the elaborate lengths some people are going to in order to get high.

White said possessing the toad is not illegal, but investigators, not familiar with the method, had to research the toad to make sure it is not a protected species.

White said Theiss was charged after investigators determined he allegedly possessed the toad with the intent to get high off its venom.

White said the toad has gained popularity because it secretes venom on its back when the creature becomes angry or frightened -- a venom that contains a hallucinogen called bufotenine.

The hallucinogen and what authorities refer to as 'toad smoking' are illegal, White said.

Authorities found the toad and other items when they went to a Northland residence to investigate a suspected meth lab. They later arrested Theiss and charged him with three counts of possession of a controlled substance and one count of possessing drug paraphernalia -- the toad.

For years, White said, people experimented with 'toad licking,' but toad smoking is considered a substitute. To do so, a person heats the frog's venom, which breaks down its toxins and preserves the hallucinogen. Then it's dried and smoked.

White said the use of a toad and extracts from natural plants to get high are becoming popular. He said there are some Internet sites that feature an instructional video on how to extract the toad's venom.

'It is easier to get it, and law enforcement might not immediately know you use it to get high,' White said. 'It's sort of a New Age way to get high. You convince yourself it is OK because it is something you get naturally from our environment.

'There are a lot of things that are created naturally but they are still not legal.'

Theiss is also accused of possessing mescaline, a controlled substance extracted from a cactus.

Still, White said, there are others who may be taking an even more extreme measure to get high -- such as sniffing fermented human waste.

Vicky Ward, manager of prevention services at Tri-County Mental Health Services, said she has seen e-mail warnings about kids getting high off a drug called jenkem. The drug, made from fermented feces and urine, isn't prevalent in the area, but kids are familiar with it, she said.

'We work with a lot of youths and we ask them whether anyone has tried it and they said no,' said Ward, who belongs to service e-mail groups for prevention specialists. 'They (the youths) have heard about it because it is on the Internet.'

Ward said Snopes.com, a Web site that investigates urban legends, indicates the use of jenkem is undetermined.

'Kids get ideas that later turn out to be unfounded, but you will get some idiots who will try anything,' she said.

For pity's sake, who was the first person to think, "Gee, I need a good buzz...let's see...hmm, no tequila, no beer...Hey! I've got it! I'll just give this little ol' toad a lick!"???? That's either someone who's desperate to get hopped up on something or other, or someone who doesn't have the sense God gave a rutabaga, to be licking a toad in the first place.

Of course, the former prosecutor here wants to know - how exactly did the police determine this guy possessed the toad with the intention to get high off its venom? Did they catch him in the act? If not, I wouldn't want to be the one taking that case to trial, because there'd really be no way to prove it short of actual viewing of the offense or the guy admitting he planned to do that.

Where's a sledgehammer when you really need one?

If I had one, I'd go destroy our stupid printer. We've had people up here messing with the printers, supposedly changing them out as part of some "print optimization" project, and now that we're essentially two different companies, we have one printer with one type of letterhead and one with another. I've been trying to print a letter for half an hour. The first time, I forgot and sent it to the wrong printer (wrong letterhead). The forty-seven times I've tried since then, I sent it to the right printer, but the first page WILL NOT PRINT on letterhead. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

And when I finally went and copied it onto letterhead and took it to the administrator for her signature, she informed me I'd done her signature block incorrectly. I scream now, 'K? I am so ready to go home, it's not even funny.

I am the mama.

This occurred to me this morning as I was on my way to work. I was listening to Christmas songs, and one of the songs I grew up with came on, and it dawned on me. I am the mama. I am the matriarch of my little family. If any Christmas traditions are to be made or carried on, it's up to me to do it.

I think it's time to get back into my Christmas baking. I haven't really done much of it since Mama passed away, and that's one tradition I don't want to lose. And I'll have to think of some new traditions that can be just for us.

Not tonight

I'm not making tarts tonight. I'm cleaning up the kitchen, taking a big ol' bath, having a glass of eggnog, reading a bit, and calling it a night. Tomorrow I'll have to work double-hard, but tonight I need the break.

But a better evening

I picked J up from school this evening, bracing myself for his usual complaints of "but I'm not done PLAYING yet!" (Mind you, I'm glad he likes the after-school program, and him not wanting to leave is better than the alternative, but when you've had a really crappy day at work, hearing your child cry all the way out to the car that he wasn't finished playing, he didn't get to do X, Y or Z and he wants to stay at school all night just doesn't do much for your mental well-being!) To my surprise, there was a minimum of fuss and muss. We went to the reindeer store and picked out little gifts for grandparents, stopped for take-out on the way home, and now it's just about time for bath and bed. All things considered, it's been a good evening so far.

Let me see about getting him settled, and then it's time to do a load or two of wash and make a batch or three of tarts.

Another brilliant start to the day

J was in rare form last night and this morning. I know being spirited means he really does feel things more intensely than other kids, but OMG, the drama. I picked him up from school. He asked if I brought a snack - well, no, but we're five minutes from home. Aaaaaand the wailing commenced. "I wanted a SNAAAAACK! I'm HUNGRY! I never get any snacks to eat in the caaaaaar!" He gave that up about halfway home, and when we got home, I gave him some peanut butter crackers while I fixed dinner (pizza bagels for him, which take all of about five minutes). He sucked those down and asked for more just as I was putting the pizza bagels in the oven (meaning, they needed to toast under the broiler for just a couple of minutes, and then they'd be done). I told him no, no more snacks right then, that dinner would be ready in just a couple of minutes. And more wailing about how he was STARVING, he never got anything to EAT, and on and on.

This morning: We woke up, not quite late but not as early as I'd hoped. I told him to go brush his teeth. Screaming and "I don't know HOW to brush my teeth!" Lisa goes and bangs her head against the nearest wall. He certainly does know how to brush his teeth - I love how, if he doesn't *want* to do something, he suddenly doesn't know *how* to do it. So we're working on getting teeth brushed when he starts screaming again. What?! Why are you screaming like your hair is on fire? He tells me his arm hurts. I don't see a mark on it, he seems to be able to move it OK and wiggle his fingers and everything, and I tell him he probably just slept on it funny, that the soreness will work out after he's been up and moving for a while. I gave him a dose of Motrin just to be on the safe side, but I didn't see a thing wrong with his arm. But he screamed like it was broken in three different places or something.

And trying to get out the door makes me nuts. How do you get your child to grasp the concept that when it's time to get ready and go to school, we don't worry about things like putting the feet back on our Bionicle that's going to be at home all day anyway. I told him we needed to get out the door, that we were close to being late and it was time to go right then, and he starts howling because I won't take the time to fix his Bionicle that he's just dismantled. *bang head, bang head, bang head, wish for Kahlua in morning coffee* I was worn out before we ever got out the door.

And we're still struggling with the concept of the reindeer store (the store they're having at school to give the kids a chance to buy presents for their family members). We've had this conversation more than once. He keeps insisting we need to buy presents for him there, that no one gets him any presents. I'm trying to explain to him that he buys presents for others there, and we buy for him (me, Daddy, Brian, the horde of grandparents, etc.), and no one knows what they got from anyone else UNTIL CHRISTMAS, because we don't open our presents UNTIL CHRISTMAS. This is all going over like a ton of bricks with the boy who thinks all the presents should be for him, right this minute. *wish for Kahlua AND Bailey's in morning coffee* I sent him with a budget and instructions to buy for parents today. The reindeer store is open late tonight, so I told him we'd take care of grandparents this evening, together. I can only imagine what he'd do if I tried to send him with enough money to buy that many gifts - come home with things for himself, I'm sure.

It just makes me tired that everything seems to call for a big dramatic production. (I'm a Gemini, I don't do drama so well.) I can understand disappointment - it's fine to be disappointed over something and to express that disappointment. It's understandable that sometimes you're so disappointed, you cry. But having to have the same conversation over and over again, and having every disappointment, big or small, expressed in the form of tears and screaming, that just wears me right out. I love my son dearly, I just wish I could help him figure out some way other than the meltdown to get those feelings out. I think I'm spirited, too, which is part of the problem - we both want things how we want them, when we want them, and depending on the circumstance, one of us isn't going to have that happen. That's when he gets weepy and I get impatient, and then all heck breaks loose. Maybe I need to learn to step back and do a better job of staying cool - I'm the parent, after all.

Happy news!!!

Brian has an interview with the Dallas Zoo tentatively scheduled for Monday, Dec. 10! It would pay less than teaching, and he'd have a yucky commute like I do, but if this works out, he'd be here before the end of March!

Monday miscellanea

The day started with a bang. We overslept - always a good start to the day. I got J to school on time, then realized I'd left my purse at home, so I had to go back and get it. Traffic in downtown Dallas, and most especially in our parking garage, was like idiots on parade - I just love it when you've got one really.poky.person at the front of a line of about fifteen cars all trying to get into the garage, and that one poky person must try to squeeze his or her car into EVERY.ITTY.BITTY.SPACE they find. Whoops, the car doesn't fit, let me back out and p-o-k-e around to a lower level to try again. I'm thinking, just go down to level F already, there's always plenty of parking there! So, the morning was off to a zippy start, and I was wishing for a redo by about 9 AM.

Then I found out I was going to be priority one for taking calls for our sister team while they were out on their team outing. I HATE taking calls. Loathe it with a deep and undying passion. I do it because I have to, because it's part of my job, but it's sure not my favorite thing, and I really don't want to be a priority one any more often than I absolutely must. (I'm usually a priority four for our team, and I take very few calls, which suits me just fine.) And naturally, this was the afternoon the crazy man called. A lot. I was hung up on two times, a couple of my other teammates were hung up on a couple of times, and finally, the third time I got the call, he let me transfer him to a manager to discuss his issue. He then proceeded to hang up on her. Good times!

I've made three batches of tarts tonight: Lavender Flowers, Fudge Brownie Buttercream, and Wildberry Crisp. J now wants to help me make tarts. I've let him mix color and/or fragrance into the melted wax, but only with very close supervision. My busy, easily distracted little boy and a pot of melted wax just screams of the possibility of disaster if I turn my head for a second, so I don't. But I hate to tell him a flat-out "no" when he so very much wants to help. Thankfully, he loses interest after just a little bit, and I can breathe again.

Darling, I forgive you everything,
Anything is better than to be alone
In the end I guess I had to fall,
Always find my place among the ashes

Can you imagine being so afraid of being alone that you'd make a really bad decision? I think that's what K has done. I think he let his fear of being alone override the red flags he may have seen when he was dating A, and married her anyway, and I'm afraid that now he's realizing he's not happy, he's made a mistake. I may not be married to him anymore, but I don't want to see him miserable (and I also don't want to see J miserable when it comes time to spend time with his father). I hope he can find the wherewithal to either make things work (which would also require A's participation - I know from experience that one person can't fix a marriage alone) or to make a break if things can't be fixed. I hope his worries over being alone don't lead him to stay in a situation where he isn't happy. Life is both too short and too long to let yourself be miserable.

The slacker blogger returns

Yes, once again, I've fallen way behind in my blogging. Bad Lisa, 20 lashes with a wet noodle.

I'm working on the Bright Blessings orders that I got during my Black Friday promotion. Not a huge amount in terms of numbers, but plenty to keep little old me busy. I'm a one-woman show, and Bright Blessings is just one of many jobs I do each day. I wish I could take off a couple of days and just work on orders, but it's the end of the year and I've got precious little vacation time left.

Brian didn't get the National Archives job, which was a bit of a downer, but perhaps that's God's way of directing him elsewhere. We've talked about it a good bit, and he's feeling like he should get back into teaching. When he found out that all it would take to reinstate his certificate was an online application and a whopping $47 fee, we took that as a pretty big sign. He'd been worried that he'd have to take tests or pay exorbitant fees or both.

And so now comes time for the leap of faith. At first Brian had said he'd wait until his current lease was up to move this way and start looking for jobs, but his lease isn't up until the end of May. Well, neither of us wants to wait until then - for one, he'd likely miss out on applying for any teaching positions for the 2008-09 school year if he waited until then, and for two, two years is a damn long time to do the long-distance thing. So he's moving here at the end of March, and getting his name on the substitute lists for all the nearby districts (there are enough that he should be able to work nearly every day, if not every day), and hoping for a full-time position in the fall. They're opening a new elementary school right around the corner (literally) from the house, and the positions there will be filled from February through April 2008. It would be wonderful if that worked out - he wouldn't have to make the drive to Dallas/Fort Worth every day (and that would save us on gas money), and his schedule would be comparable to J's (which would save us a ton on after school care during the school year, although we'd likely do some summer programs to give J the chance to interact with other kids and burn off some of that extra energy he's got). So, we're praying for something to open up along those lines. Either way, we'll be in the same house as of the end of March. Eek! Yay!

Of course, once we'd talked about teaching and decided to go that route, Brian got an e-mail regarding a position he'd applied for back in July. Pays less than teaching, but would keep him in the museum field - I told him it never hurts to talk to them. It would involve a commute to Dallas, though, which would stink for him.

Anyway, I reckon all of this means there'll be a wedding at some point in the spring. No date yet, nothing official, and I doubt seriously we'll go for anything big - we've both had the fancy-schmancy church wedding before, and neither of us feels a need to repeat it.

Speaking of wedding - a J funny: We went to see Brian's parents for Thanksgiving. We were at the dinner table, and (naturally) at a lull in conversation, J looks at Brian, points to me and says, "Brian, marry her." LOLOLOLOL I nearly spit out my mouthful of tea. If we weren't already at the point of planning to get married, that would have been embarrassing! As it was, it was just funny.

And speaking of J, he got his second six weeks report card on Friday. He's taking kindergarten by storm - he got all S's (for "successful" - no actual letter grades in kindergarten) for the second six weeks, he knows all his uppercase and lowercase letters and the sounds they make, he knows nearly all of the 34 sight words they're supposed to know by the end of the year, he got all good marks in conduct, and he's up to level C in reading (the kindergarten levels are non-reader, A, B, C, and D, and first grade reading starts with E - I'd be surprised if he's not up to a first-grade reading level by the end of the year). I'm so proud of my big boy!

Midnight already, and tomorrow is Monday. I don't feel like it should be Monday already. I'd better get some sleep. Year-end will be a busy time for me now that I'm in my new role!