The new house

So did I mention we've moved? We got tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop with the old house and the mortgage, so we found a nice little house to rent.



That pic was taken back when we got a little unexpected spring snow.

Bonuses to the new house:

~Smaller, so our utility bills are lower
~Zoned for a different elementary school, one that should be better with Julian's ADHD
~A fenced back yard!
~Closer to daycare, closer to work for me, and not too much farther for Brian
~Closer to church
~The ice cream man comes through our neighborhood
~Within walking distance of a park with a good playground

Downsides to the new house:

~Smaller, so we're REALLY having to get rid of a lot of stuff. We've been making many a trip to Goodwill and Manna House to donate things. We're still moving some things from the old house, and we're going to be getting rid of some of the things we brought, thinking we'd keep, because we just don't have the room for them. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, it's just a challenge for me - I am the queen of stuff, especially kitchen stuff.

One thing I do know: Moving is a pain. Moving with two kids is a bigger pain. Moving piecemeal with two kids is an even bigger pain still. Next time we move, it will all be packed and sorted and ready to go on the truck, even if we're just going ten miles across town like we did this time.

We're hopeful that this will be a good move for us, though. I'd like to see us here at least three years, so that Julian can finish out his elementary years in the same school, and Rhys won't have started elementary yet. But that remains to be seen. For now, we're all moved out and trying to wind things up with the old house. Personally, I'm looking forward to having a weekend where nothing major has to be cleaned, packed, or moved!

So much to write about, I really don't know where to start!

Lots has been going on since I really took time to blog last. I'll think of things I'd like to talk about during the day (while I'm at work and can't get to my blog), but by the time I get home, either I forget or I'm just too tired to make the effort. That's pretty sad!

Speaking of work, let's start there. I'm not real happy at my current job - it's a field I've landed in due to career choices that seemed like good ideas at the time, and it's not where I think I want to be. I work in an industry that's been dinged a lot by the federal government lately, and that's kind of scary, because who knows what "interventions" they may decide on in the future and how that might affect jobs. There continue to be murmurings that more layoffs may be possible, and we're told that we really need to step it up (this when we've already taken on a lot more responsibility from other departments within the company, we're working short-handed, and we're learning several different new systems at the same time). I'm already stressed, both by work and by things going on in my life outside of work, and this just adds to it. I'm the main breadwinner for our family (my husband is working full-time, loves his job, but I make more) and I carry the insurance for our boys, so it's not like I can just chuck it if I can't take it anymore.

I'm not averse to changing directions entirely - I'm considering several things I think I could do and be good at. The thing is, they all seem to require more education, and our budget just doesn't have an extra few thousand dollars in it for me to throw at education. I've got a law degree, but I'm not cut out to practice law, and I've been out of the practice of law so long, I'm not sure I'd even get a second glance for any "traditional" legal position.

I would love, love, love something where I can work from home, have more flexibility with my family. There was a time in my life when I thought I'd never get married, never have kids. Now I have a wonderful family, and it's killing me that I can't do for them like I wish I could. It kills me to not be able to be there for my kids like my mom was for me. My older son was sick earlier this year, and had to stay home for several days. I had to tell him that no, I wouldn't be the one staying home with him because I had to go to work, I didn't have time to take off, dad will be home with you. I can't stand missing field trips and parties and volunteer opportunities at school. And I'll have to go through it all again with my younger son as he gets older unless something changes in a big way.

It doesn't help that my mom stayed home after they adopted me and kept an immaculate house and put hot meals on the table every day in addition to being there for most everything I did. I'm doing good if I get breakfast at all, and if it's a good day, there will be Pop-Tarts in the house so my older son can eat one in the car on the way to school. And logically I know that with me working full-time, I can't do all that she did. I just hate it that the situation is such that I'll probably never have the chance to do for my family like she did for hers.

I hate my schedule. I hate that most days I have to wake my kids up before the sun is up to get them to where they need to be. I hate that by the time I get home, my baby is getting tired and cranky, and it's a challenge to get dinner and bath in before he's a raging grump. And some nights it takes so long to get dinner on the table that he's screaming all the way through it while we try to bolt down our meals so that we can take care of him.

I'm not cut out for corporate America. I don't give a rat's patoot about dressing up in a suit for work and wearing heels and moving up the ladder, having a schmancy job with a schmancy title and a big corner office. Do. Not. Care. I want to have a job that gives me some flexibility in my schedule, pays me enough to meet my family's needs, and where I occasionally hear that yes, I am doing a good job instead of just hearing about all the things I do wrong. I honestly don't even care if there's room for advancement, as long as it's something I can stick with for the long term (and if it gives me flexibility for family, I think I could stick with most anything). If I could go back in time, I'd tell my college-age self to steer clear of law school, stick it out with a science major or go into computers, and maybe have a shot at doing something I enjoy that might be a little more flexible.

It feels like I'm missing out on the most important things in my life, the most important people in my life, and I feel powerless to stop it or change it or make it better. I hate that.

I pray about this. Daily. Hourly. All the time. I'm sure I've made choices in life (choices in my education, my career) where I didn't truly seek God's will or didn't pay attention when He told me which way I should go, and I've ended up here as the result of some of those choices. I'm just praying that I haven't gotten myself into a position where God is going to leave me for a while, and if I am meant to be here even longer, I hope it's not God's way of telling me, "See, you should have talked to Me first, you didn't, and so now I'm just going to let you stew for a while." If God wants me elsewhere, I'm praying that He'll open a door and soon. If it means I need more education/certification, I'm glad to do it if He'll provide the resources, because I sure can't dig out money for any education on my own, not with what I have now. If it means I just need to wait until the right opportunity comes along, then I need the stamina to bear up here, especially on days like today where it feels well nigh unbearable. I know we may never know God's reasons for doing things one way or the other, but I sure wish I knew why He's kept me here for nearly six years now, and I wish I had an inkling of how much longer He might keep me here, and for what purpose. It might make those unbearable days a little bit easier.

If you, dear reader, could spare a prayer, I'd appreciate it. If God wants me to stay where I am (which He's clearly wanted for the last six years, as I'm sure there are days, weeks and months where I stayed only by His grace), then He needs to give me strength to do my job to the best of my abilities, and if He wants me somewhere else, He needs to open a door and point me toward it and work that all out.

Body image, blessings and God's love

I've had a lot of things going on in my life the past few years that haven't been exactly fun to deal with, and some days it's really easy for me to get down and to forget to count my blessings. So....

There was a discussion about body image on a board I frequent. One poster made the point that a healthy body image is one where we honor God foremost, eating right and exercising, but not to excess.

And this got me to thinking. I'm certainly nowhere near my ideal weight. I've tried more weight loss plans than I care to think about, and there's no nice way around it, I'm fat. When I started thinking about the body image discussion, I thought, wow, I'm really not doing a good job of honoring God by the way I take care of my body.

And that got me around to the blessing part. I'm not perfect, not by a long shot. I don't always succeed at honoring God in all areas of my life. My dress size will attest to that. And yet, in spite of my imperfections, He loves me so much that He sent His son to die on a cross and give me the gift of eternal life.

For God so loved the world (that includes me! Lisa!) that He sent His only begotten son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. --John 3:16

Even with all the messy things this world can throw at me, I am blessed indeed.

It's a start

I mentioned that we finally got an official diagnosis for J. He's been diagnosed with ADHD (hyperactive and inattentive), dysgraphia, and delays in motor skills. I knew he struggled too much with handwriting for there not to be something there. I felt like the evaluation was very thorough, and gave us a lot of recommendations for school and for home.

We had our 504 meeting with the school this morning. Some of the accommodations, the teacher has already been doing, simply because she realized J needed them. I thought it went pretty well, although they aren't doing anything to address the dysgraphia - we're going to have to look outside the school system for occupational therapy for that. I see now why some parents who have kids with any kind of special need decide to homeschool their children. This just consumes your thoughts, and I know I find myself thinking that I don't want to be at work dealing with things to make someone else happy, I want to be doing something to help my child.

Back online, finally!

Wow, a lot has happened since I last posted! Our home computer died, and we finally have a new one up and running. We've moved to a new house. We've gotten the results of J's evaluation. Rhys is *this close* to walking - all he needs to do is let go and take off. I'll have more updates later, now that we've got internet access at home again!

Ultimate Crockpot Roast

This is from a cookbook from Our Ultimate Home, a message board I was on several years ago (now defunct, sadly). It got rave reviews on the boards, and when I made it for my family last week, they gave it rave reviews, too!

1 roast (I used an arm roast - you can probably go with whatever's on sale)
1 packet Italian dressing mix
1 packet ranch dressing mix
1 packet brown gravy mix
1/2 cup water

Place the roast in the crockpot. Sprinkle the dry packet ingredients over the roast. Pour 1/2 cup water over the top of the roast. Cook on low for 8 hours.

Next time, I think I'll add some potatoes, carrots and onions to make it a one-pot meal. And we found out that the leftovers make really good hash. Brian cooked some frozen potatoes o'brien and onions until the potatoes were mostly done, added some eggs, and when the eggs were about halfway done, added some chopped-up roast. Talk about a good breakfast! So it's two yummy meals in one.

Menu Plan Monday, February 15 - 28

I'll be back later to dress it up with graphics and recipe links and whatnot, but I wanted to get my menu plan posted - I've been slacking dreadfully! Julian had a lot of input into the menu, so I'm hoping this cuts down on the "but I don't LIKE that, I don't WANT to eat that" that I've been hearing lately.

Monday, 2/15 – Hamburgers, tater tots or chips, fruit

Tuesday, 2/16 – Pizza from Mr. Jim’s

Wednesday, 2/17 – Ultimate Crockpot Roast, Cracker Barrel Green Beans (Recipezaar)

Thursday, 2/18 – Breakfast for dinner! Waffles, bacon, fruit

Friday, 2/19 – MaMa’s Supper Club Tilapia Parmesan, broccoli slaw, Lemon Rice

Saturday, 2/20 – Pork chops, scalloped potatoes, Baked Zucchini

Sunday, 2/21 – Pasta with marinara sauce (or meat sauce), salad, garlic toast

Monday, 2/22 – Meatballs with sauce, salad

Tuesday, 2/23 – Fajitas, chips and salsa

Wednesday, 2/24 – Slow Cooker Sloppy Joes (Recipezaar), sweet potato fries

Thursday, 2/25 – “If you can find it, you can eat it!”

Friday, 2/26 – Grilled steak, Balsamic Glazed Baby Carrots (Recipezaar), Crash Potatoes

Saturday, 2/27 – Dinner out!

Sunday, 2/28 – ??? I’m out of ideas and out of steam!

Hooray!

I had my end-of-year review at work yesterday. In the past, my review has often been a thing of stomach-churning dread, something to be feared, and I know there are times I was hanging on by the skin of my teeth or less. But for whatever reason, my manager didn't just give up on me. He found ways to keep me there, and now that I've settled into another role, it's working. This was the best review I've ever had, and he told me it was a nice change from some of the previous conversations we've had. That made me feel really good. :) So, maybe I am where I'm meant to be, at least for now.

Please vote for Little Miss Hannah's video

Of all the posts of mine that I'd hope might be picked up by BlogHer, this tops the list. Please feel free to share it on other blogs, message boards, anywhere it might be seen. Hannah is the daughter of my friends Carrie and Robert. She's not quite two years old, and has been diagnosed with Gaucher's disease, type 2 or 3, a rare genetic metabolic disease that is fatal unless a cure can be found.

Carrie has made a video about Hannah - it's part of the Extraordinary Measures movie quilt:

http://extraordinarymeasuresthemovie.com/?videoId=169

The winner gets a $10,000 research gift for the charity of their choice. The winner is chosen at random, but the more votes the video gets, the more ...chances it has to be pulled (sort of equate it to a raffle ticket for each vote). If Hannah's video wins, the money will go to continue much-needed research into her condition.

People can vote every day until February 5th. Would you vote? Would you help spread the word and get others to vote? Every little bit helps. Thank you!

I'm saving this for future reference

Project 52: Date Nights

I like the idea of having a date night every week, but like Simply Modern Mom, we're not exactly flush with cash, and babysitters are hard to come by when your family all lives out of town. So I'm going to follow along - I'm looking forward to seeing what ideas she and her husband come up with for free or inexpensive at-home date nights, and trying out some ideas myself.

A handy little something for those of you who are handy

If you're like me, and married to a man who likes to putter around the house and fix things up, check out these specials and coupons from Harbor Freight. They've got really good prices to start with, and you can save a little more with these current offers. If you aren't sure where to find a Harbor Freight nearby, you can use their store locator.

It looks like all of the coupons are good until January 29, so that's plenty of time to shop!

A little bit of relief

So today I got in touch with the guy we've been working with on the mortgage restructuring. He needed some more information from us, and said he's pretty sure the lender will be willing to work with us. Praise God, what an answer to prayer! Brian and I have talked, and we're going to make good use of whatever time this gets for us to really work on cleaning up the house, fixing things up, decluttering in a major way, and getting it ready to sell. We figure we'll be better off selling out of this one, getting out from under the huge mortgage we face now, and buying something a little older, a little smaller, a little more cost-efficient (9- and 10-foot ceilings look pretty, but they are a huge energy suck when you're trying to cool off in a Texas summer - and for someone as short as). We can use whatever equity is left in this one to put toward a new house, and then get a smaller, more manageable mortgage, at least some of the cost of which we'll likely be able to offset by the savings on utilities. I've already started looking at houses for sale, just to see what's out there. If we can find a nice older house in the town where we now live, with a good-sized yard, that's been well-maintained, I'll be happy. I'd prefer it to be in the district for J's current elementary school, but going back to his old school would be OK, too. It will all work out, even if I'm not sure right this minute exactly how it will be accomplished. I reckon that's God's department, not mine.

Something we need to check out

Dave Ramsey's name seems to keep coming up - in conversation, in blogs I'm reading, everywhere. Brian and I think we need to check his ideas out. I don't know if it will help in our current mess, but if nothing else, it could be a help going forward.

Walking by faith vs. walking by sight

I came across this devotional, and it's got me thinking about a subject I wrestle with on a regular basis - walking by faith vs. walking by sight.


http://www.internetcafedevotions.com...g-in-dark.html

In my high school senior yearbook, for the quote that would follow my name and define who I was at 18, I chose the verse 2 Corinthians 5:7: “We live by faith, not by sight.” I was looking for a way to say that I loved Jesus without actually saying that I loved Jesus.

Crazy bold, I know.

I didn’t have a clue at the time what that statement really meant. I don’t think I even understood the difference between faith and sight. I’m certain I had no clue how much faith daily life would require of me in the future and how much I would long to be able to see the path before me. The thing is, there’s faith that leads to salvation and then there’s faith to walk every moment after that. I understood the first kind of faith, but I didn’t even know I was missing the second kind.

Early in my middle school years, I took the step of faith to say, “Yes, I believe I am a sinner. I believe Jesus is the Son of God. I believe He died and then rose again to take the punishment that I deserve. Please, Lord, forgive me and make me clean.”

However, in the years and decades that followed, even though I was ordering my life to God’s priorities, I didn’t really let Him have control.

I was seeking God and trying to be more like Him. I was praying and learning from His Word, but I never really let go and let Him have control. I worried like I was in control. I planned like I was in control. I managed people like I was in control. I didn’t exercise faith in my daily life that allowed me to walk in any direction unless I could see the outcome for miles ahead.

Contrary to what I had proclaimed so proudly in my high school yearbook, I was living entirely by sight. The problem with living by sight is that, at its very best, my sight is nothing more than a poor reflection in a mirror. I lived a couple of decades essentially squinting into my rearview mirror, thinking that my view was good enough to drive. While I thought I was living a safe, protected life by attempting to control my circumstances, I was really just living an unspiritual, fearful life.

However, around the time I turned 30, God began to do a work in my life that would forever alter the way I lived. He graciously turned out the lights and allowed me to stand in the pitch dark. He allowed circumstances and pain into my life that I could not overcome on my own. I can see now that it was His love for me that led Him to bring me to the place where I had to face my own inability to solve, plan, control, and manage. I stood in the middle of the pitch dark that my life had become and I began to truly trust Him for the first time. I finally quit trying to get more “sight” and chose faith, believing that if God sent something my way, it must be good for me. I wish I could say that I chose to trust God before all else, but the honest truth is that I didn’t truly trust Him until there was no other option. But I think late is better than never.

The good news is that faith is a gift from God. We can’t conjure it up or fake it. We need only ask God to provide it, making sure it is not sight for which we are asking. And then we exercise it. I have found it to be like a muscle that gets stronger every time I use it. It starts out weak, but each time I choose to trust in the name of the Lord instead of freaking out because I can’t see the path in front of me, my blood pressure goes down and my faith muscle gets stronger. Then the next time I need it, it is more ready for action.

To be honest, it hasn’t all been smooth sailing since I discovered that I could live by faith instead of sight, but, by the grace of God, I have experienced slow, steady growth in the direction of trusting Him. And the peace and joy that comes with being on His agenda instead of my own is filling me up and carrying me through.

Friend, I know you may be standing in the middle of a really dark place right now. I know it is tremendously difficult to have peace when your circumstances appear bleak. But you can take comfort from the fact that darkness is as light to God.

He can see just fine right where you are and He will lead the way if you allow Him to do so. He also says He loves you with an everlasting love and He will never, never leave you or forsake you. Don’t wait as long as I did to choose to trust Him with your daily life. Your own sight will never fulfill you or protect you the way the God who loves you will.

Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Is. 50:10b

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So if you find yourself in a circumstance, and you pray about it, trust God with it, and then still try to do something to improve your circumstance, are you walking by faith? Or does the very act of trying to do something mean you're still trying to take the problem out of God's hands and you really aren't walking by faith?

For example, we're really strapped financially right now, primarily with the mortgage. We're tithing faithfully, have been since Brian was working at Lone Star last year and making crap nothin', and we believe that yes, God will meet our needs. But still, things are tight, and some things that surely seem like needs to us are out of our reach at the moment. We pray, and we acknowledge that all we have comes from God, none of it is "ours" in our own power, and we're doing our best to be cheerful, faithful givers. But we're also trying to see if we can sell some things on Craigslist, both to clear them out because we don't need them and to have a little extra cash come in. Even though we pray and say we trust God to meet our needs, are we trying to hang on to the issue by trying to sell a $20 something or other on Craigslist?

I roll this around in my head a lot. I can't imagine that God expects us to say, "OK, God, we're turning it all over to You" and then just sit on our hands and wait for something to happen. I mean, it seems like if we don't take chances on things where we've prayed and the answer hasn't been a resounding no, then we may be shutting off some avenue by which God could work if that turns out to be His plan. I know "God helps those who help themselves" isn't biblical, but it certainly seems sound - if we never take any action at all after praying about what should be done, should we expect God to drop the solution ready-made into our laps?

And of course, if what we're doing is walking by sight, walking by faith is going to be a big challenge for me. I don't sit on my hands and do nothing very well!

Thoughts? Does anyone else wrestle with this question, or is it just me?

Eep.

My stomach is in knots. I got an e-mail from the guy who's been in touch with us re: restructuring our mortgage. He said to call him ASAP. Well, I can't check my personal e-mail from work, so "ASAP" was after 5 PM when he sent the e-mail just before 10 AM. I called and left a message on his cell, and I e-mailed. I hope he gets back in touch soon.

Surely God's plan won't include us losing our house and living with the boys in a shelter, will it?

Praying for a Christmas miracle

It hurts me to write this, I don't think I've mentioned it in here, but we're faced with the real possibility of losing our house. I took out a home equity loan when Kevin and I were married and refinanced it when I was single - it seemed like a good idea at the time, but it's turned out not to be that way in a major, major way. I got behind when I was single, more behind when Brian wasn't working, and now it doesn't look good. We're trying to get it restructured, but I don't know if whatever they offer will be enough. Even though we're both working full-time, it seems like we're still struggling to make ends meet every month. I keep telling myself, God blessed us with the boys (in fact, Brian and I weren't actively trying to have a child and had talked about the fact that it might not ever happen right before I found out I was pregnant with Rhys), He's not going to leave us hanging without the means to take care of them, and surely taking care of them means having a roof to put over their heads. But then I think, well, Job was a man of faith, and God let him be tested in a big way - he lost his kids, his livelihood, his possessions, everything. When he remained faithful, God blessed him more than he'd been blessed in the first place, but still. He let Job be brought mighty low to prove a point to the devil, to prove that the devil couldn't make Job turn from God even when times were beyond tough. So honestly? I don't know what to think. I'm praying for a miracle. I wish, somehow, the house could be paid off and I'd never, ever take out a home equity loan again. I'm kicking myself (although Brian says I was making the best decision I could with the information I had at the time), I'm sick with guilt (because my parents didn't raise me to be in the hole financially - they raised me to live within my means, and I feel like I'm failing to live up to what they taught me), I'm worried about what we'll do if the worst comes to pass, and I want to cry when I think about the possibility of having to take Julian out of the only home he's ever known. Maybe this new job (if I get it) will offer a significant pay raise, and that's what will pull us through. I have no idea. All I know is, this is a problem I cannot fix in my own strength, and while I don't know what God's plan is, I surely hope it doesn't mean us being uprooted from our home. I'm learning a lot about what it means to pray without ceasing.

And then I find myself thinking, do I have the right to ask for God's help with this? Aren't there others who are so much worse off than we are? There are people who *are* homeless, who don't know where their next meal will come from. There are people facing the loss of a loved one at what should be a blessed and joyous season, the loss of a child, a parent, someone near and dear to their hearts. If God is going to work a miracle in someone's life, shouldn't it be someone who deserves it more than I do? Maybe so, but that doesn't mean I pray for one any less for us than I do for all of them. So if anyone has a prayer to spare, we'd appreciate it.

Oh, to have the money for a whole new computer

My computer has been hit or miss for the past few weeks, which explains the lack of posts. I took it to the shop once when the monitor would go to sleep and stay that way. For a bit, it would work when I rebooted, but it got to where the system would power up, the green power light on the monitor would come on, and then it would immediately turn amber and the screen would turn black. Hard to do anything with the computer when you can't see anything on the screen. So in to the shop it went. All they could find was a raised capacitor on the motherboard, and given the option to replace that or to replace the whole motherboard, I took the less expensive option.

It worked great for a couple of days, and then blam! Back to doing the same thing. So, back to the shop we went. After four days of diagnostics, they found big fat nothin'. The tech said he turned off the hibernation mode on the monitor, so I'd just see the screen saver instead of a black screen, and said that might help.

Not so much. Last night the screen saver came on and the monitor never went to sleep, but the screen saver locked up when I moved the mouse after it had been on for a while. It's fine as long as the screen saver hasn't been on too long. For now, anyway.

If I had the money, I'd go buy a Mac and just be done with it. But for now, I'm back online.

Finally!

After a second trip to the shop, I think my computer is good to go. Hopefully I can post more often now!

So much to post, so little time

I'm sure I have many things I'd like to blog about - our home computer is having issues and I've been without it for nearly two weeks now. (Let's not even get into how unreasonably crazy it makes me to have no home computer.) We thought it might be the monitor, bought a new one, hooked it up...and it wasn't the monitor. So off to the shop it went. Hopefully it will be an easy, not-too-expensive fix and I'll be back online at home before too much longer.

The news of the day: I have strep. Again. I went to the doctor on November 11 with the first bout of it. My throat started hurting during the night, so I went in this morning, and surprise! Round two! Brian is reminding me to take all of my antibiotics, on time, this time. I blame my pediatrician, who could have had my tonsils taken out when I was a kid and chose not to. Dang it.

Kindle giveaway from Noobie

I just entered a contest to win a free Kindle from Noobie, and I wanted you to have a chance to win one, too! (Notice I said a chance - I'm really hoping to win it myself! LOL)

All you need to do to enter is to click the link below or copy and paste it into your browser:

http://www.noobie.com/kindle-giveaway?ref=1900357618

Be sure to read the email you get from Noobie after you register. You'll get your own unique link that you can use to earn even more entries in the drawing!