Maybe not this year

Shawn Bell is out for the season - he tore his ACL in Saturday's game against A&M. So, maybe no bowl game for Baylor this year after all. But, at least this season people have been able to mention "Baylor" and "bowl game" in the same sentence without it being a derogatory comment, so that's progress. There's always next year, right?

Remembering

10/27/30 - 1/10/95

Today would have been my mother's 76th birthday. She's been dead for nearly 12 years now, so the pain isn't as sharp as it was when it was new. But I miss her every day, and I wish I could talk to her (well, talk to her and have her answer me). I love you, Mama.

How many of you are there?

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 10 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

The things boys say

The J funny for the day: He woke up this morning, pulled off his underpants, and said, "Look at my penis!" I said, yes, dear, you have one, that's nice. He responded with, "It's a lovely toy!" I couldn't even respond to this one, all I could do was laugh. He is such a boy.

I just finished a really interesting book, I Am Legend by Richard Matheson. It's not very long, and it's a new take on the vampire novel. I read it in an evening, because I couldn't put it down.

I've also recently finished The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of The Apocalypse by Robert Rankin. It was another that I just couldn't put down. I had a little bit of a hard time getting into it, but once I did, I just had to see what happened next. It looks like he's written quite a few books, and I'm going to have to find more of them.

I never did update about K. Turned out he had an infection in his salivary gland that spread and just got really nasty. Not sure how he got it, but he did. Antibiotics and time have, thankfully, cleared it right up. And I guess the hospital wasn't too concerned about his blood sugar, as they sent him on his way with instructions to follow up on that with his regular doctor. So he's doing OK now, and I'm glad.

In other news, J has now met A, the woman K is seeing. He asked me beforehand if I was OK with it, and as I trust him not to do anything that's not in J's best interests, I told him I was. J seemed to like her all right. They made pumpkin cookies, which probably scored her a lot of points with him. LOL The day after J met A, he and I went to Target to pick up some odds and ends. He started telling the cashier all about A, and she said, "Oh, I have a grandbaby named A". J told her, "No, A is a mommy, and she lives at the bitty house with daddy!" LOL I had to explain to him that no, A doesn't live there, she has her own house, she just goes to see daddy at the bitty house sometimes. At any rate, he doesn't seem to be having any difficulty with having met her, so I'm good with it. I guess it's a good thing for him to see that both mama and daddy can be happy, even if we live in different houses. And I guess that at some point it would be OK for J to meet Brian - after all, he and I have been seeing each other for nearly a year now.

My garage door opener has been fixed, but the remotes aren't working right. I reprogrammed them this morning and they worked fine - as long as I was inside the garage. Outside the garage (where they really should work)? Bupkes. AARGH. I'll try reprogramming them again tonight, and then if that doesn't work, I guess I'll call Lowes.

My computer problem looks to be the hard drive, and not just Windows. *SIGH* I've found a local place that will recover and transfer data, replace my hard drive, reload software, etc. for $100 plus the cost of a new hard drive (starting at $60 for a 40 GB drive). So, while I hate to spend the money, at least it's not obscenely expensive, and I do need my computer. I guess I'll take it in this weekend - they're open on Saturdays.

Gosh, this will be a busy weekend. Computer repair, the fall festival at J's school, one of J's little buddies is having a birthday party - I'm tired already! Gotta remember to buy a present for the party - I'll have to ask J what his little friend likes.

10:30 - only seven hours left in the workday.

SIC 'EM BEARS!!!

This past weekend was Homecoming at Baylor, and Brian and I went. And what a weekend it was!

The game started out pretty slow - fairly crappy, in fact. Baylor scored first, then proceeded to play like a bunch of tiny girls until nearly halfway through the fourth quarter. Kansas led 35-17 at halftime, and Baylor was playing like their hearts just weren't in it - looking ahead to next week's game against Texas A&M, perhaps, or just not in the game. Whatever the reason, they stunk it up pretty badly. The third quarter wasn't looking to be any big improvement, and after a KU interception, the mass exodus began. Baylor fans were leaving in droves. Brian said we could stay or go, either way. I told him not to be silly, that of course we were staying.

And boy, were we glad we did! I don't know what happened, but with 10:38 left to play in the fourth quarter and it beginning to look like the Bears were out of it and we'd take another Homecoming butt-kicking, things started happening. Completed passes and blocks and yardage, oh my, and Baylor had fought back to make the score 35-30 with 4:48 left. Kansas went 3 and out, and Baylor took over on their own 42-yard line. We scored the winning touchdown with 1:08 left, and the remaining fans went wild. Kansas had already used all three of their timeouts, and then challenged the touchdown. I'm not sure that should have been allowed, as they had no timeouts left to lose when they made the challenge, but it was, and the fans were pissed. Didn't matter, though - the touchdown stood, Baylor's defense held for the last couple of plays, and WE WON!!!!

So, it was a huge, huge game. Here's the official story:

Baylor Edges Kansas in Comeback Victory

Baylor came back from being down by 18 points to score three times while keeping KU from scoring at all. We won on Homecoming. We've got a .500 winning percentage at a much later point in the season than we have in recent years. And for the first time ever, we've won three Big XII conference games. I think any team would be foolish to go into a game thinking of Baylor as an easy win, and I think this Saturday's game proved that abundantly. Our offense can score (Shawn Bell passed for 394 yards, and we had two receivers with 100-yard games), our defense can defend, and we can dig ourselves out of a pretty big hole. Anyone out there like to take us for granted? Go ahead. We are no longer the Big XII's whipping boy, so bring it on.

Oh, Aggies - y'all ready for next week? I do believe y'all beat us last year, and I think perhaps some payback is in order.

So...

It's been a while since I posted. My home computer is unworkable at the moment, and I'm trying to repair it without the need for taking it in for actual repairs that I have to pay for. I've got one more thing to try, and if that doesn't work, I may have to admit defeat and pay up for repairs. I just want all my pictures recovered. Everything else, I'm not so concerned about.

Work continues. We had a visit with the big, big, big boss last week - I think this is the first time I've seen him in my 2 1/2 years with the company. It was a short meeting, 30 minutes for him to talk and take questions. I'm no more confident about the way things stand here now than I was before that meeting.

Quarterly reviews are coming up, sometime before the end of the month. Performance reviews never made my stomach churn at any other job I've had. This one, just the thought of it makes me want to hurl.

I've been working on my enrollment for benefits for next year. My health insurance premium for me and J has gone up $26 per paycheck. With all the other little increases in the cost of our benefits, I'll be paying about $84 more each paycheck for the privilege of having the same coverage. As I've not gotten a raise and don't expect to get one, this means I'll effectively be taking a pay cut of just over $1,000 next year. Yay.

As if that wasn't reason enough to find a new job, now there's more than just a financial motivation. I've been on my two blood pressure meds for a while now, and have been taking them pretty faithfully. I've been checking my blood pressure at home. On two different days last week, taking my meds, after a day at the office, my readings were 140/105 and 136/101. YIKES. WITH the two meds. Yesterday, after taking a sick day to stay home with J, who'd been up since 4 AM and was jumping up and down on my last nerve, my reading was 117/85. Pretty darn close to normal there, even on a day that was less than relaxing (just not spent in the office). Hmm. Coincidence? I think not. So, now there's also a health motivation for finding a new job. I will not be the next heart patient at my workplace, thankyouverymuch.

And yeah, I was home with J yesterday - he woke up around 4 AM with a nasty, goopy cough that kept him from settling down and going back to sleep, and running fever of 101. So we just got up and went to see his doctor when she opened shortly after 7:00. Surprise surprise, it's a sinus infection. I figured that's what it was. Ten days of antibiotics, and hopefully we'll stay well for a bit. We stayed home yesterday in the nasty, soggy, rainy weather. He was tired - he was asleep by 8:30 last night, and I was asleep by 9:00.

Now I'm trying not to get sick. I've got the sinus ook going on, and I feel kind of lightheaded. I can't get sick, I have plans this weekend - it's Baylor Homecoming!

Speaking of Baylor, we may have lost this past weekend, but I'm proud of our team. We did way better against UT this year than we did last year, and even though we lost, I still think 31 points against an opponent as tough as UT is nothing to sneeze at. Sic 'Em Bears!

Scary smart

Maybe everyone sees their child like this. Maybe everyone's child does stuff like this. But my son frightens me sometimes, he's so smart. He only likes the insides of Oreo cookies - he pulls the inside stuff out and tosses the cookie. He'd had eight middles earlier, and asked for more - he'd eaten gobs of good lunch, so I told him he could have three more. After contemplating that for a moment, he ate them and then told me, "Mama, do you know how many cookies I had today?" I said, how many, and he said, "Eleven!" I didn't tell him that.

On the computer today, we were playing with Bob the Builder. He pulled up the e-cards, typed his name where it belonged, typed my name where it belonged, and asked me for help with the e-mail addresses. He was going to send me an e-card! All by himself!

And he's started making fart noises by putting his mouth on his arm and blowing. I know I shouldn't encourage it, but he gets the most earnest look on his face when he does it, like he's trying just as hard as he possibly can, and it's just hilarious. I asked him where he learned that, who taught it to him, and he said, "You, Mama!" I think not. He is so boy.

I find myself occasionally still wanting to hyperventilate about money, but I just have to stop and remind myself that I can't catch up on everything all at once, that I'll just have to do it gradually. On another bright note, K's mom has said they'll pay to have my garage door opener replaced as my early Christmas present. She said they'd worry about me coming home in the dark and not having it able to open. They so rock.

K has something funky going on - he called from the ER this afternoon, and he called this evening saying he'd been admitted to the hospital. When he had mono and strep a few months back, he had this horrible swelling on his jaw. I don't remember what they told him about it then, if they actually treated it or told him it was just part of the mono and he had to wait for it to pass. When he called from the ER, he said it was cellulitis (the same thing I had around my incision area 11 weeks after J was born), and that they were giving him IV antibiotics and doing bloodwork. He called back later to say that they were concerned that it had spread to his neck and wanted to keep him overnight for observation and have him see an ear, nose and throat specialist tomorrow. He said the doctor kept asking him if he was having trouble breathing, which he isn't, so that's good. But yuck, what a not-fun way to spend an evening, huh? I hope he's OK. I told him to call or text message me when he gets the bloodwork results, and I'll check on him tomorrow.

I've accomplished precious little this weekend in terms of cleaning, but hopefully tomorrow will be better since I've got the day off and J will be going to school. J has now told me that I can pick out the toys to give away - hope he's serious, because I'm doing it.

Nobody's dream girl

First off, let me say that I have the bestest ex-in-laws in the whole wide world! K's mom and I talked - it was a hard talk, but good. They wired me some money yesterday. This cleared my overdraft and will allow me to get my attorney taxes paid (which will clear the way for a massive job hunt). I'm going to get my house clean - sell, give away, whatever - and list it for sale and look for a smaller house for me and J. Both K's mom and my stepmom have suggested it, and K has, too. I think that's a sign, don't you? I'm going to make time to tend to my finances - I haven't always been a black hole of financial ruin, there's no reason I can't get my shit together and get straightened out. I just have to MAKE TIME to do it. I may start going to bed with J and setting my alarm for an earlier time - like 5:00 or so. This will give me time to get ready, take my shower, and then have a little time for my finances, job apps, devotional time, whatever. ME time, which I'm woefully short on. I've told K's mom that she has my permission to ask if I'm keeping up with my finances! She told me today that she felt kind of odd asking personal questions. I told her to look at it like this - she promised my mom (who passed away in 1995) that she'd look out for me and be like a mother to me, so she's standing in my mom's spot, essentially. I told her that Mama certainly would have asked, or she might not have asked, she might just have looked through my checkbook. LOL

So, I'm determined to get out of this morass of despair and get my life back. I'm an attorney, and an intelligent woman - there's no reason I have to live like this. J is old enough to understand that there are things Mama has to do to take care of us, and he's old enough to help me sort through his toys and pick out his favorites and give some away. It's going to be the fiesta del give-away at our house.

And I really am a little excited about the prospect of a new house. It will be nice to have someplace that's *mine*, not "mine and K's" - even though this house is legally mine now, it's still "ours", you know?

Now, for the title of my post. J and I had to run to Target for a couple of things this evening, and as we were on our way out to the car, a guy came up to us in the parking lot. Being of a cynical turn of mind, I'm automatically suspicious when approached by anyone I don't know. This guy proceeds to tell me how beautiful I am and wants to know if he can have a chance to get to know me. WTF?! Of course, my first reaction is to think, "You talkin' to me?", because I am emphatically NOT the kind of girl guys hit on. Not even in college when I was younger and thinner. Never. Ever. I told him no, I wasn't on the market right now, I was seeing someone. He then asks if we ever see each other again, might he have a chance to get to know me. I told him I thought the person I was seeing was in it for the long term, but thank you for the compliment. And I walked away just flabbergasted, flattered, and just a little ooged out. Seriously, there's an oog factor to being approached like that, at least to me.

I did have to take the scenic route home to make sure he wasn't some nut who was going to follow me home, and I'm here now with the doors locked and the security system on. I'm still not quite sure what to make of it.

I'd thought just the other day that I'd never be anybody's "dream girl", that I'm not the type of woman that someone would just walk into a room and be instantly smitten with. And I've made my peace with that - I realize that my beauty is mostly on the inside, once someone gets to know me. Well, apparently not everyone thinks that, and tonight proved me just a little bit wrong.

Weird, weird, weird.

When is it enough?

When does this stop? When does it get better? My account is overdrawn past K's capacity to help me get back on the positive side. I still can't get money from my 401(k) and even when I can, it won't be much. I don't get paid until next Friday. I have no savings. I have no credit. I have no resources to fall back on.

Ask my dad. Yeah, right. If I do that, I'll have to tell him that all that money I had in savings, that he saved over the years and gave to me, all that has gone to pay off debt after debt after debt over the years, when K and I tried to live on credit because we didn't bring in enough to live on. My dad is beyond uptight about money - he's always been very big about living within your means, and he's always been adamant about wanting that money to stay separate for me. Somehow I can't see a conversation that starts off with, "Well, Dad, I know how you are about money, and I know how you never wanted that money in savings to be spent on anything relating to my marriage, but I used it all up paying off debt we racked up when neither K nor I had decent jobs, and now I'm in a bind - can you lend me a hand?" going anything but downhill in a big hurry. I wish my dad and I had the kind of relationship where I could talk to him about something like this, where he'd be willing to help out, but we don't. Hell, after my mother passed away, we hardly knew how to even relate to each other, much less be able to talk anything close to comfortably about heavy stuff like this. Even now, we don't have a real close relationship - better than it was, but I don't think it's anywhere near ready for this. So - is it worth risking any kind of good relationship with my dad to survive financially?

Because that's where I feel like I am, fighting for my financial survival. And I hate it. I carried the family (or tried to) for our whole marriage. Not that K didn't help - he did, when he had a decent job. But I'm unaccustomed to not being able to support myself. Before I got married, I had good credit, I had some savings in the bank, I did OK for myself. How did I get from that to this? No savings, no credit, no resources to fall back on. I'm looking for a better job - but even if I get that, I couldn't start for two weeks, and might not get paid for another week or two after that. I haven't gotten a raise or bonus here in two years, and see no reason why that would change - and even if it did, assuming it was enough to make a difference, that wouldn't happen until February and July. That does me no good now.

And any help I get will be a stopgap. It wouldn't be a permanent improvement. I'm going to have to get a second job. There's no way around it. I'll have to find something that pays enough that I don't have to work a ton of hours every week, or I'll never get to see J.

You know, it's said that God never tests us more than we can bear. I hope He decides I've had enough soon. I know, it's only finances - there are people who have things that are a lot harder to deal with. But when you feel like you can't pay for necessities - gas in the car, things like that - it pours over into everything. If I can't put gas in the car, I can't get to work. I can't get to work, I really can't bring home any money. No money, and where does that leave me?

Please, let this be enough.

Whoa!

Holy cow, I just found a PART-TIME law clerk position with the federal district court. The high end of the salary range, for part-time, is more than what I make here. How fast do you think that application is going out? I don't know if part-time is 20 hours, 30 hours, or what. But it certainly can't hurt to find out.

But it's not all bad

In all my blubbering and crying about the bad parts of the day, I forgot to write about the good parts! Drop-off this morning was FANTASTIC. I was amazed. J was whining when we got to school about wanting to go to the park (they did that last Thursday - I don't think I wrote much about it, will have to do that), and I was explaining that the park wasn't an everyday deal, that it was a special thing. I thought it would be a day like any other, with wailing and gnashing of teeth at drop-off. Nope. We walked into the gym and hadn't gotten two feet in the door when J announced that he was going to give me a hug and a kiss, tell me bye, and run off to play.

And then he did. I was amazed. Not sure what prompted this sudden show of maturity, but it was way better than the screaming drama we usually have at drop-off. OK, there was a tiny part of me that was a little bit sad that he didn't feel the need to cry for mama. But independence is a good thing and to be encouraged, and a happy start to the day is always better than a screaming start to the day.

And then it all went downhill from there. At least work itself isn't bad today - it's just personal crap that's gnawing at me. If I only have to cope with one pile of crap at a time, I can manage. If personal stuff sucks and drop-off sucks and parenting stuff sucks and work stuff sucks all at once, that's when I get really wiggy.

When?!

Good weekend, bad week. It's Monday, I'm back at work, my account is overdrawn again, and I could just hyperventilate. I don't know where the money is coming from to pay anything, I haven't paid daycare, I haven't paid all my bills, and still I'm overdrawn. How do you let go of shit like this?! How do you NOT worry about it? And WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER?!?!

I was going to take money out of my 401(k) to pay my attorney occupation taxes and a couple of small bills. I'm $26 short from having the amount I need to make a withdrawal. DAMMIT. You know, I read stories and accounts of God providing for people's needs in unexpected, even miraculous, ways. And perhaps my faith is lacking, but I can't understand why nothing seems to be working out for me. I don't even feel like I can take care of J. Why did God give me this beautiful, wonderful boy and now I don't even have the money to pay my daycare bill? I don't have the money to pay my attorney taxes so I can get a better job? I don't know how I'll put gas in my car this week? I'm trying to seek God's will, I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying as best as I know how, and NOTHING WORKS. Nothing helps. Nothing gets better.

Days like this, I think that if anything happened to me, at least there'd be life insurance proceeds. Not that I want anything to happen - I want to live, I want to see my boy grow up. But if I fell over from some unknown health problem, at least the bills would be paid.

I just want to cry, and I can't do that because I'm at work. When. Does. It. Get. BETTER?!

The green-eyed monster

One of my girlfriends starts a new job tomorrow - she found out a couple of weeks ago that she got the job, and tomorrow is her first day. Today she found out that she and her husband are expecting their first child. I'm very happy for her, but a bit envious, too. Not of the pregnancy itself - Lord knows I don't even want to go there, one child keeps me hopping, thanks. And not even of the job itself, although I do desperately want a new job. I'm just envious of all the good news. I'd like to have some good news to share, instead of what feels like my perpetual dose of gloom, despair and agony on me. Count your blessings - sometimes it's easier to count them when you don't feel like you have to sift for them with a fine-tooth comb.

OK, mope over. Back to my regularly scheduled afternoon of running after the tireless boy.