Monday, October 02, 2006


Good weekend, bad week. It's Monday, I'm back at work, my account is overdrawn again, and I could just hyperventilate. I don't know where the money is coming from to pay anything, I haven't paid daycare, I haven't paid all my bills, and still I'm overdrawn. How do you let go of shit like this?! How do you NOT worry about it? And WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER?!?!

I was going to take money out of my 401(k) to pay my attorney occupation taxes and a couple of small bills. I'm $26 short from having the amount I need to make a withdrawal. DAMMIT. You know, I read stories and accounts of God providing for people's needs in unexpected, even miraculous, ways. And perhaps my faith is lacking, but I can't understand why nothing seems to be working out for me. I don't even feel like I can take care of J. Why did God give me this beautiful, wonderful boy and now I don't even have the money to pay my daycare bill? I don't have the money to pay my attorney taxes so I can get a better job? I don't know how I'll put gas in my car this week? I'm trying to seek God's will, I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying as best as I know how, and NOTHING WORKS. Nothing helps. Nothing gets better.

Days like this, I think that if anything happened to me, at least there'd be life insurance proceeds. Not that I want anything to happen - I want to live, I want to see my boy grow up. But if I fell over from some unknown health problem, at least the bills would be paid.

I just want to cry, and I can't do that because I'm at work. When. Does. It. Get. BETTER?!

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