When does this stop? When does it get better? My account is overdrawn past K's capacity to help me get back on the positive side. I still can't get money from my 401(k) and even when I can, it won't be much. I don't get paid until next Friday. I have no savings. I have no credit. I have no resources to fall back on.
Ask my dad. Yeah, right. If I do that, I'll have to tell him that all that money I had in savings, that he saved over the years and gave to me, all that has gone to pay off debt after debt after debt over the years, when K and I tried to live on credit because we didn't bring in enough to live on. My dad is beyond uptight about money - he's always been very big about living within your means, and he's always been adamant about wanting that money to stay separate for me. Somehow I can't see a conversation that starts off with, "Well, Dad, I know how you are about money, and I know how you never wanted that money in savings to be spent on anything relating to my marriage, but I used it all up paying off debt we racked up when neither K nor I had decent jobs, and now I'm in a bind - can you lend me a hand?" going anything but downhill in a big hurry. I wish my dad and I had the kind of relationship where I could talk to him about something like this, where he'd be willing to help out, but we don't. Hell, after my mother passed away, we hardly knew how to even relate to each other, much less be able to talk anything close to comfortably about heavy stuff like this. Even now, we don't have a real close relationship - better than it was, but I don't think it's anywhere near ready for this. So - is it worth risking any kind of good relationship with my dad to survive financially?
Because that's where I feel like I am, fighting for my financial survival. And I hate it. I carried the family (or tried to) for our whole marriage. Not that K didn't help - he did, when he had a decent job. But I'm unaccustomed to not being able to support myself. Before I got married, I had good credit, I had some savings in the bank, I did OK for myself. How did I get from that to this? No savings, no credit, no resources to fall back on. I'm looking for a better job - but even if I get that, I couldn't start for two weeks, and might not get paid for another week or two after that. I haven't gotten a raise or bonus here in two years, and see no reason why that would change - and even if it did, assuming it was enough to make a difference, that wouldn't happen until February and July. That does me no good now.
And any help I get will be a stopgap. It wouldn't be a permanent improvement. I'm going to have to get a second job. There's no way around it. I'll have to find something that pays enough that I don't have to work a ton of hours every week, or I'll never get to see J.
You know, it's said that God never tests us more than we can bear. I hope He decides I've had enough soon. I know, it's only finances - there are people who have things that are a lot harder to deal with. But when you feel like you can't pay for necessities - gas in the car, things like that - it pours over into everything. If I can't put gas in the car, I can't get to work. I can't get to work, I really can't bring home any money. No money, and where does that leave me?
Please, let this be enough.