An update of sorts

Finally, I'm taking time to write. But I can't remember what all I wanted to write about! I must be getting old.

I'm tired. I stayed up stupid late playing with the DSL (which I just love, by the way - I will never, never have dial-up again), and of course J woke up at 6:30 - "Mama, it's time to WAKE UP!" Someone really should try to explain to him that we don't *have* to get up the second there's a sliver of light in the sky, that we really can sleep in occasionally.

Oh, a J funny - several days ago, K was asking me what I'd think about J meeting the 5-year-old son of the woman he's been seeing. Before I could say a word, J piped up with, "I could live with that!" I have no idea where he picked that up, but I thought it was hilarious.

In a fit of domesticity, I got all my laundry done last night (well, everything except for the sheets on the bed - I'll do that today, maybe after I finish writing). I still have to put some of it up, but it's all clean. I feel positively virtuous.

The hearing is on Tuesday. So in just a little over 48 hours, I'll be officially single again. You'd think that after all this time, I'd just be so excited I'm about to pop. I'm not, though - I'm a little...sad is perhaps too strong a word, maybe wistful is more like it. You just never think your marriage will end up like this when you're starting out. Logically I know it's a good thing, and like I said, I'm not really sad about it. Lord knows we've had plenty of time to talk about fixing things up if that was what either or both of us wanted. It's just not the happily ever after you dream of on your wedding day. I expect that the hearing itself will be fairly easy. I'm working on the order, Kevin and I will both sign it, and I expect that the judge will approve it. I'm taking that day off work - not sure what I'll do afterward, but I don't think I'll feel much like dealing with customers.

Oh, I remember what I wanted to write about. I am now on written warning at work. WTF. I've never been on written warning anywhere I've worked, EVER. So is the problem me, or is it the job? I was good and pissed off about it last week. Right now, I'm just tired. So this means I have to mind my p's and q's until they decide I've shown sufficient sustained improvement, or I have no job. If I must play the game, I will. I'll jump through all the little hoops that management thinks are important, and I'll do it until either they decide I *am* fabulous after all, or until I find my shiny new job that pays me 30% more than what I currently make. If nothing else, I'm at least cleaning up my book so that my successor won't inherit the load of crap I got. One thing I will say, though - my current manager genuinely does want me to do well, which is a big change from my previous manager (he was much better at pointing out what we needed to improve than actually getting in the middle of things and really helping). So I like her a lot. But still - written warning. Feh.

And I guess that's it in a nutshell. I've probably got more to write, but I'm fried. Must...find...coffee....

Lots to write...

but not much time to write in. I'm sure I've got gobs to write about - I just wanted to dash by and let y'all know I'm still alive, mostly. I've gotten my DSL hooked up, so maybe I can find time for a real update one night this week.

More later!

Dragging

I feel like I could just lay down in the floor and sleep. Here's how tired I am: Earlier I went to the bathroom, and I took my glasses off to rub my eyes. I must have closed my eyes and dozed off, because I jerked back to attention when my glasses fell from my hand and clattered on the tile floor. How sad is that, when you fall asleep on the potty! LOL It's one of those days where it feels like it takes more energy than I have just to put two thoughts together. Yuck.

I think part of the reason for the blahs is this job. A lot of jobs have busy times, crunch times, where work just piles up and you can barely stop to take a breath. But most of those jobs also have some ebb and flow, a day or two where things slow down and you can relax and catch up. This job is all flow and no ebb. There are never slow times, the work just keeps coming and coming, and you can never catch up. It's no wonder we all feel so beat down and demoralized most of the time.

I'm feeling mostly better, though, as far as allergy issues go. My head congestion has cleared out a lot, and when it does clog up, I can take care of it by blowing my nose (it doesn't just clog up and stay). I still have the cough, though. And it's still bad enough to wake me up at night, even with the liquid Vicodin cough medicine. I called my doc today to ask for a refill because I've used up almost all of it. I hate the cough. I wish it would go away. It's like when I had the flu - the cough was the last thing to go, and I thought I'd NEVER get rid of it.

I got a nice e-mail from Brian yesterday. No call, because he was working at his second job last night. I imagine we'll talk tonight or tomorrow, especially since he's coming up on Friday. He's making me a surprise for Valentine's Day, and dang it, he won't give me the first hint! I'm just dying to know what it is, but I suppose I'll just have to be patient.

Oh, as far as the puppies being gone - I think J is just fine. Every once in a while he'll ask if the puppies are at our house, but when I say no and remind him that we took them back because they made me sick, he accepts it and goes on without a fuss. When I came home Sunday and got the floor mopped, he was thrilled to be able to run unfettered from the living room to the washroom and back again, all without having to put on his shoes. LOL He likes not having the kitchen gated off, he likes that the floor is no longer nasty and he can go in there barefoot, and I think he likes not having to share my attention anymore. I'm glad he took it well - I would have hated it if it upset him.

And I'm so excited - I'm getting DSL!!! I was on the computer the other morning and I got one of the little pop-ups I occasionally get from AOL, telling me I'm eligible for high speed internet, blah blah blah. I'd always ignored them because every time I checked, high speed internet wasn't available in my area. For some reason, though, I clicked on this one. I was stunned to find out that AT&T now offers DSL where I am! Of course I signed up - we finally got K's DSL up and running, and I'm just jealous of how fast it is. I want mine nownownownownow!

A funny thing: Yesterday I called home to check messages, and there was one from AT&T saying they'd gotten my DSL order, it was being processed, I should have service on the 20th, please call with questions, etc. At the end of the message the guy said, "Thank you for choosing SBC. I mean AT&T. Thank you for choosing AT&T. It's hard getting used to that." (For those of you who don't know, SBC was the phone company here - it recently merged with AT&T.) I laughed out loud. I can see him thinking that, but I wouldn't have expected him to actually say it on a voice mail.

Only an hour and a half left until it's time to go - I think I can make it, I think I can.

Let the stinkbombing begin

I decided I couldn't wait until after the puppies were out tomorrow - I had to start cleaning my kitchen floor today. I put them in the puppy yard (which they hate - they cried the whole time) and got after it. I didn't do the all-out cleaning yet, that will be tomorrow. Today I just spot cleaned, swept up all the little pieces of things they've dismantled that had thus far escaped the broom, and gave the floor a once-over with vinegar. Not great, but better.

So tomorrow they go back. I'm disappointed, but I realize after that cleaning and being in there with them that they need to go. I've been coughing and hacking and snotting and sneezing more today than yesterday. And it's still four hours until my next dose of cough syrup. *SIGH*

J and I had a pretty entertaining conversation about the puppies the other day. Here's how it went:

L: J, the puppies are making mama sick. Will you be upset if they go live at someone else's house?
J: No.
L: When you're older, we can put up a fence in the back yard and get a bigger, older dog that can live outside. Would you like that?
J: Yes. (pause) We can get new Bonnie and Clydes. (pause) We can get FIVE Bonnie and Clydes!

Um, no, I think not. At any rate, it sounds like he's going to be OK with the puppies not being here, and I'm glad of that. I think he doesn't like sharing mama's attention with them.

K and I have a hearing date. I called the court coordinator yesterday (I know her, since I used to prosecute in this county - I'll know the judge and the court reporter, and no telling how many people that are there - isn't it great living in a small county? LOL) and it's set for February 28 at 9:00 AM. I'm a little wistful, I guess, because you never think things will end up here when you first get married - you believe in the happily ever after. But I know it's a good thing, and it will be nice to finally have it done - no more limbo, it will be finished.

I thought we were going to a birthday party for one of J's little friends, but he says he doesn't want to go. He wants to go to Target instead. LOL I do need to go, I need some milk, so he may get his wish. As tired as he is, it's probably a good idea to give the party a miss anyway. I just hope he goes to bed early tonight.

I'm debating whether I should get Brian a little bitty something for Valentine's Day. He gave me a little Christmas gift, and I'm toying with the idea. We've been seeing each other since the beginning of November, so about three months. Do you think a little bitty gift would be too much? I don't know what, but something small. He'll be up here next weekend, so I'm looking forward to that.

Let me get off of here and get J's shoes on him - if we're going to Target, I reckon we should go ahead and go. More later!

New meds and bonks to the head

I got my new meds yesterday. My doctor called in some cough syrup, Tussionex, that has the same active ingredient as Vicodin. It helped some with the cough, but the real bonus is that it makes the work day a lot more palatable. LOL I'm also taking Zyrtec now, in addition to the Singulair and Nasacort. Naturally, the generic Allegra I was taking was a $10 co-pay, and Zyrtec is $40. But if it works, I guess it's worth it. I'm glad something is helping a bit. I really felt like hammered shit yesterday - I had no voice, it hurt like hell every time I coughed or blew my nose, I couldn't stop coughing, I could barely breathe, I wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out until I was well. The cough syrup hasn't stopped the cough, but it's better, and I don't hurt now when I cough. The absence of pain alone has improved my disposition substantially.

It's been quite an evening. Apparently right before I got to daycare, J tripped and fell off the stepstool at the water fountain after getting a drink. When I got there, he was sitting in the floor with one of the teachers, just sobbing. It took me ten minutes to get him calmed down enough to tell me what he'd hit (his head), and even then he was still crying near-hysterically. We sat there in the floor for a bit, and I just hugged him and told him it was OK, and eventually he settled down enough (but still crying) to go put his shoes on and go upstairs and get his things. He wasn't going up by himself tonight, though - after his fall, he was scared of the stairs, so I went up with him and stayed close. I told him that as long as we went slow, he'd be fine, and he was. I figured he was OK (as in, not seriously injured enough to require immediate medical attention) when we found a birthday party invitation in his cube (his little classmate is having a party on Sat. at McDonalds - guess where I'll be?) and he stopped crying long enough to be quite interested in it. He started crying again, though, and cried pretty much all the way home. I've been keeping an eye on him for signs of serious head injury. There's no bump on his head, no indentation of the skull, no bleeding, he's not throwing up, he's not falling asleep and not waking, his pupils are the same size and respond appropriately to light, and he's not crying anymore, so I think he's fine. We dodged a trip to the ER. But still, that was kind of scary. Poor baby, I think the fall scared him more than anything. I hope he doesn't start thinking of school in a negative light - we were making such progress with self-confidence. I was a little lenient tonight as far as dinner (a popsicle and fruit snacks - my mother would scream) and bathtime (I let him watch all of Toy Story, which ran until almost 9:00, so we weren't in the bath until a bit after 9), since he was so shaken up. It's one of those special occasions where the normal rules don't have to apply. I'm sure I'll be checking on him several times during the night, to make sure he's OK. Ah, the joys of having a boy - I'm sure there will be many more incidents like this in the future. And my heart will come near to stopping with every single one of them, until I know for sure he's all right.

The puppies. I think they're going to have to go back. It's a hard decision. Tonight, though, I felt my chest tighten up and felt the urge to cough coming on pretty much as soon as I stepped in the front door. (Not psychological, I had plenty on my mind at the moment worrying about J and trying to carry him in the house - no walking, nothing would do but "mama, carry me".) And I've been hacking and snotting a lot more than I did being out of the house. Even with the super-duper cough syrup. I do hate to see them go - I think they're cute little stinkers, even if they have dug a hole in my wall. And I do want dogs. But it seems like there are so many negatives to keeping them that they should go back. First, the sneezing and coughing and crud for me. Not good. I worry, too, that they should be somewhere where their people aren't gone 12, 13 hours a day five days of the week. I know most dogs are social, but these little guys seem to want company more than most. They need more socialization and someone who can devote more time to training them. And lately J really gets upset when they start jumping on him (which they do every time we let them out of a morning or evening), and wants them to stay in the puppy fence pretty much all the time. I asked him tonight if he'd be sad if the puppies went to live somewhere else all the time, and he said, "No." I know the jumping would improve with training, but right now it freaks J out. As far as bathing them to help with allergies, I could probably manage every other week. At this point, it would have to be on my J-free weekends, because he wouldn't wait around outside long enough for me to bathe two puppies - he'd get impatient and be ready to come back in. (These are the things you realize really stink about being a single parent. Sometimes having someone else around to help would be incredibly handy.) And everything I've read regarding managing dog-related allergies recommends keeping them in areas of the house with no carpet. It's no kind of life for them if they have to always (or most of the time) stay cooped up in the kitchen. They need to be somewhere they can run around the house and be close to their people more often. And the way I felt last night, I don't think I could stand it until they were housebroken or I could get a fence put up. Last night was the worst I've felt since this mess started. I'm not quite as bad right now with the new meds, but I'm not particularly good, either. I should have stuck to my original plan to wait until I had a fence put up, and then get a bigger, older dog (adopt one from a shelter) that could stay outside from the get-go. The puppies were just so darned cute that I momentarily lost my grip on my good judgment. I hope they'll find a really good, happy home. They deserve that.

Well, once again I've stayed up stupid late. I'd better go get some sleep so I don't repeat this morning and wake up after 7:00!

I. Feel. Like. Shit.

Can I please just crawl in a hole, go to sleep and wake up when I'm well?! I feel wretched today. I'm still coughing. I've coughed so much that it now hurts every time I cough or blow my nose (and I do both often) - feels like someone is hitting the side of my head with a hammer. I'm sure my co-workers are good and tired of hearing me snort and snot and hack and sniffle.

I talked to my doctor yesterday evening. She's called in some cough syrup that will knock me out at night (so maybe I can at least get a good night's rest) and something with prednisone. I'm also going to try the Zyrtec for allergies instead of Allegra. Sure, I hope this helps. But I'm tired of trying things hoping they'll help. I want someone to tell me what the hell this is and FIX IT. I can't sleep, I hurt all the time, I can't concentrate at work...the only good thing is, I've lost my voice which gets me off the hook as far as phone time. So I'll pick up the new meds and see if they help. If I don't see a difference and soon, I think I'll refer myself to the allergist. I don't have to have an official referral from my doctor, and dammit, I just want to feel better. And, too, Brian will be coming up the weekend of the 17th - I sneezed and wheezed all over him this past weekend, I don't want to still be doing that in two weeks.

I wish I had someplace I could send the puppies for a few days, so I could try to clean my house and see if it would make a difference. I'm still thinking that's the issue. Hoping not, but thinking it is.

It is so Monday

I have $14 in my checking account and don't get paid until next Tuesday, and I have bills due that I don't know how they'll get paid. Come on, tax refund.

My sinuses/allergies/whatever the hell this is aren't getting any better. My head is full of crap and I still cough like mad, and the cough just laughs at cough drops, cough syrup, Nyquil. TheraFlu nighttime is about the only thing that will let me settle down enough to sleep. I called my doctor's office this morning and left a message asking her or one of the nurses to call me back - I told them what was going on (I've taken the Singulair for four days now and it hasn't made a lick of difference), and asked that someone call me back. So far, no call back. Hopefully I'll hear from them soon.

I'm really worried that it's the puppies. I wish I knew someone who could keep the puppies for a few weeks, to give me time to really clean (although I know pet dander can be hard to really get rid of) and see if I improve any.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but if you have green goo in your head, isn't that a sign of infection? The ENT looked at me and said it was all allergies. But I've got stuff in my head that's darn near the color of antifreeze. Maybe I'm wrong.

A happy weekend, and I'm still sick

Brian came up Friday and left yesterday evening. It's been a lovely, lovely weekend. My dinner Friday night turned out great - I do so enjoy having an appreciative audience to cook for. On Saturday I went to my parenting class, and Brian went to the bookstore while I was there. After that we went to lunch - Mexican food at Abuelo's. Yu-ummy! And all the spicy stuff helped clear my head a little. Then we went to Barnes and Noble - we found (well, Brian found and shared with me) two little books with retro art in them (if you aren't familiar with this, google Anne Taintor and see what comes up - it's that kind of stuff, pictures from the 50's that look sweet and demure but have some absolutely wicked sayings with them), and we stood there and flipped through them and laughed so hard that I was crying and couldn't breathe. The B&N lady working on that row told us we were having way too much fun. And right after we left (when I was still trying to catch my breath after the laughfest over pithy sayings like, "Watch it, Mr. Testosterone, you can be replaced with a zucchini"), I got a text message from K that said J told him, "I'm scared to pee in the potty, I want to pee in a cup!" (According to K, it was a weekend chock-full of funny sayings.) Then I laughed so hard I thought I was seriously going to hurt myself. Everyone should laugh that hard at least once a week - we'd all be happier.

After B&N we just came back here and hung out for a while. Turned out he didn't have to be back in Waco at 2:00 like he'd thought - he'd misread the calendar, that program isn't until NEXT Saturday!!! So I was very glad, and I'm pretty sure he was, too. When he left, he was already talking about finding someone to cover for the tours he's supposed to do on the 18th - those are just regular tours, not special programs, so hopefully it won't be much of a problem.

And I'll tell you what - if a guy will spend time with me when I'm sneezing and honking and snorting and snotting like I have been, he must think I'm at least a little worthwhile. Bless Brian, neither of us slept Friday night, and not for any fun reason. I woke up I don't know how many times just hacking and coughing. YUCK. But he was always good about it, he'd just rub my back until I could breathe mostly normally again, and then we'd go back to sleep. I do like him, just a little bit.

On the topic of sneezing and snorting and hacking and all - I'm not sure the Singulair is helping. Every once in a while my head will clear up and I can breathe relatively normally. But then I'll snot right back up, and the coughing hasn't subsided at all. I really, really hope I'm not allergic to the puppies. Maybe it just takes a while (as in, more than three days) for the Singulair to really kick in.

And my problem is...

This morning I took J to the pediatrician. Surprise, surprise, he has another sinus infection. He now weighs a whopping 47 pounds.

And he was such a big boy when I dropped him off at daycare! That makes the morning so much easier. In the evenings when I pick him up, he'll tell me he's going to get a drink from the water fountain by himself, that I can go stand out front in the lobby. Then he'll tell me he's going upstairs to get his jacket and blanket by himself, and he will. I don't think I have a baby anymore. *sniffle* Such a big boy.

This afternoon I saw the ENT. He said my underlying problem is allergies (duh). So he recommended three options: 1) add Singulair to my regular allergy meds - he said that will often help people a lot; 2) if the Singulair doesn't help, see an allergist for allergy testing (he didn't recommend this first as he said an allergist would recommend shots, and those can take up to a year to really kick in), and 3) as a last resort, surgery to straighten my deviated septum. That's not a first choice because it would make the sides of my nose equal in width, but I'd still have the allergies. So Singulair it is. If I have to go for allergy tests, I really hope I don't turn out to be allergic to the puppies. But for what it's worth, this crap has gotten worse since December. I really, really hope it's not the puppies.

After the ENT visit, I ran by Target, spent great wodges of cash that I don't have on medicine ($85 for four prescriptions - my Wellbutrin, Allegra and Singulair, and J's Zithromax - good thing my doc gave me a month of samples on my blood pressure meds!) and on stuff to fix dinner for Brian tomorrow night (pork roast in the crockpot, mashed potatoes, broccoli w/lemon butter sauce, and a yummy cake for dessert), and now I'm home. J is finally asleep (yes, it's almost 11:00 at night - can we say can't turn his little brain off?). Now I've got to fold and put away towels, pack J's bag for his visit to the bitty house this weekend, finish my cake, get stuff ready for the crockpot in the morning, put my now-clean sheets on my bed, clean the toilets, unload and reload the dishwasher, and put the ankle-biters to bed (and for what it's worth, they've chewed a hole all the way through their bed). If I'm lucky, I'll be in bed by 1:00. So why the hell am I still on the computer?!

Busted

I got a speeding ticket on my way to work this morning. I was at a stop light, I'd been stuck behind someone poking along (now I know why they were doing that), and I was irritated and late to work. So when the light changed, I hauled ass. Unfortunately, there was a motorcycle cop just up the road, and he pulled me over. I was going 49 in a 30 (I didn't think my car had that much pick-up to it), but he only wrote the ticket for 40 in a 30. He was nice about it, and he told me I could take defensive driving and get it dismissed (which I already knew, but appreciated him telling me all the same). So I can either pay the fine ($175) or take defensive driving ($95 for court costs plus whatever the course costs). Guess I'll be taking defensive driving. At least I can use that to get a discount on my car insurance. But what a way to start off the day, huh?!

I still feel like crap. I almost don't care what the ENT does or recommends, as long as it HELPS. I'm tired of feeling like my head is stuffed with oatmeal. I'm tired of my ears needing to pop. I'm tired of sneezing and sniffling and snotting and coughing. I just want to feel decent again.

I did read something interesting last night. One of my co-workers has also been sick, and she said someone told her that Vitamin C has antihistamine properties. Being of inquisitive mind, I thought I'd look and see for myself. And I found some sites with information that suggests that Vitamin C, at mega-doses, *does* have antihistamine properties. So I may need to go stock up on orange juice and give it a try (although to get the quantities they were talking about, I'd probably have to take a vitamin supplement - either that, or drink a LOT of orange juice). It can't hurt, can it?

We have a training class this afternoon, on tax issues. The way I feel, that sounds like something to put me right to sleep.

Back to work - I have things that must get done since I won't be in the office tomorrow.