This morning was relatively drama-free from a J perspective, which was nice. I overslept, though, so we hit the ground running. (Bribery with candy works wonders at keeping the TV off! Yep, I know, they've revoked my good parent card.) It was kind of sad at school this morning, though - J gave me a hug and kiss and told me bye like he has been, and then he said, "I'll stand at the door and watch you, Mama." There are two doors, both glass, one to the gym where he goes before class and one going out to the parking lot. He stood at the gym door and watched me go with a wistful little expression on his face, and it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I'm not sure what prompted that, but it made me want to run hug him again. I didn't, I just blew him a kiss and smiled and went on to work. But still.
My checking account is overdrawn. Again. I am so, so sick of worrying so much about money. I can't DO anything about it, not immediately - I can't get more money from anywhere, and I can't make a job work out any faster for me. But I'm sick of worrying about it, sick of having to tell my child no, we can't do thus-and-such, we don't have extra money for it, sick of feeling like I can't do anything extra, anything just for fun, can't pick up a surprise gift for someone just because, can't get all my bills paid on time, can't, can't, can't, can't. I know money isn't everything. But it would be nice to at least make enough to pay all the bills when they're due and to be able to treat J to McDonald's or Whataburger sometimes just because he asks. It would be nice to pick up something on sale when I see it just because I think someone I know would like it as a Christmas gift. It would be nice to be able to buy a birthday gift for K on his actual birthday instead of three months down the road, or to start paying him back for all the help he's given me. It would be nice to be able to do birthday and Christmas gifts for my sister and nieces, rather than just a card. (She understands, her finances suck as much as mine, but still - it *would* be nice to be able to do for them.) It would be nice to buy three of something I like and use when it's on for a really good price, instead of buying just one and only then if I really need it. It would be nice to be able to look for the best deal instead of the cheapest option right now (because that often isn't the best deal). This sucks.
I applied for a job with a law firm this morning. They say they're different, and if you're an associate looking to make a change, to get in touch with them. The application form was interesting - two of the questions were, "Which do you prefer, the Beatles or the Rolling Stones?" and "Is there really a difference between rap and hip-hop?" Now there are some questions you don't see on a job app every day. They also mentioned that the base salary was $135,000 a year, which wouldn't hurt. So we'll see if I get any response from that. I've tended to steer clear of firms, because I'm concerned about the possibility of having to work really long days (which can be expected at a lot of law firms - I know, not all of them work that way, but a lot of them don't exactly function on an 8-to-5 schedule), which doesn't work well for a single mom. But I'm to the point that it can't hurt to try, and God knows nothing else is panning out. Maybe I'll get lucky and find a firm out there that isn't a sweatshop. Maybe there's a family law firm that focuses on adoptions who's just looking for a good attorney to help them out (being as how I'm adopted, I have a particular interest in the field, and being as how I'm a mom, I have a particular interest in protecting children).
But it's so frustrating. The situation sucks, but I can't seem to find a way out, and I don't know WHY. Why am I supposed to be here? What am I supposed to be learning from this? What am I supposed to accomplish? Who am I supposed to help? What, why, who? And WHEN do I get OUT of here?!
If you put any stock in horoscopes, mine seem to be telling me to stay put, too. First, 11/22:
Things are moving to a deeper level in a very shallow area of your life. This could mean that a relationship is about to move to a new level, that a burgeoning friendship will blossom, or that you will finally overcome a challenging learning curve at work. This is a sign that you're doing the right thing right now, and that where you are in life is the perfect place to be. Congratulate yourself and prepare to enjoy a richer happiness.
Oh, yeah, richer happiness. Well? I'm waiting.
Here's the one from 11/24:
The stars promise to deliver what you need, but you have to be willing to hang on and see these developments through all the way to the end. That means riding it through the smooth times and the rougher ones.
Be very careful about getting involved in any business dealings right now, no matter how promising they may seem. Circumstances beyond your control are holding you back, and you don't have all the freedom you need in order to make the right choices or investments. You can try to negotiate with the things or people restraining you, but your time will be better spent accepting the situation the way it is right now. Wait for another chance -- it is coming along soon.
All of your efforts pay off when you realize there's a whole new way to look at this situation. You may not understand what the point of all this work is, but you'll soon see that you were meant to be on this new path.
From my monthly horoscope for November on Astrology Zone:
More importantly, whatever position you think you will take on will not be quite be as you imagine it to be. Everything is in flux right now, so obviously, it would be a bad time to make a professional switch. If you do want to change jobs because your present job is intolerable or because you are currently out of work, then wait until November 20, or your lucky day, November 21.
If you aim for a bigger job and a better title, the eclipse on March 3, 2007, will probably change your career life anyway in a big dramatic way, so wait until then before making any decisions.
Wait, wait, wait. You're on the right path. Hang on all the way to the end. Ride it out. That seems to be what I hear every way I turn, and anything I apply for, no matter how promising it seems, doesn't work out and I find myself stuck with staying the course no matter how much I don't want to. WHY?! If I knew why I was here, or how long I might be staying here, it would be easier to deal with. At least then I'd have a sense of purpose, or a sense that an end will come to this rough patch eventually. But right now, all I have is job stress, money stress, kid stress, commute stress - stress, stress and more stress.
And here's today's horoscope from Tarot.com:
The apprehension in the air may turn into a real crisis, but you cannot avoid your duties. Even if you prefer to take the day off, something happens that shifts you into high gear. Unfortunately, the fog could be so thick that you cannot see the road. Whatever obstacles appear must now be faced with a sense of humor. You are being tested for a reason, yet it may take a few days for you to realize what it's all about.
Ya know, whatever that's supposed to mean, I'm not sure I like the sound of it. Tested for what reason? Obstacles? Sense of humor?! And I've been muddling along here for over 2 1/2 years now, and I still don't realize what it's all about. AARGH!!!!!
I did get a bit of wisdom from an unexpected place, though - one of J's Garfield videos, of all things. One of the characters said that there are two kinds of problems in life, the ones you can do something about and the ones you can't. Then he said it doesn't help to worry about the problems you can do something about, and it doesn't help to worry about the ones you can't, so why worry? Good advice, if you can implement it. I'm trying not to worry about things I can't change - starting small, like not worrying about what time I leave work and not worrying about traffic as I'm on my way to pick J up. I can't change it, it is what it is. Deep breath, don't fret. Same thing with my morning commute - traffic is what it is, take a deep breath and quit worrying about whether you get to work at 8:30 or 8:35. It seems to help with those problems, but I'm not sure I'm quite able to apply the philosophy to bigger problems yet. Maybe I'll get there one of these days.