Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Thank you, sir, may I have another?

Oh, sweet mother of mercy, I am so mad I'm shaking. I've been contemplating lately the direction things might be taking with Brian - after all, we have been seeing each other for just over a year, you wouldn't think you'd spend that much time dating someone (long-distance, no less) if you didn't see some long-term potential. We haven't had the full-out "conversation" yet, but the subject has been touched upon briefly and he's said some things that sound like he's thinking at least about the possibility of something long-term.

Then tonight, I was perusing a board that's of interest to both of us, and I found this in his introductory post after he said he was seeing someone:

"we enjoy each other's company, but I don't think either one of us are really serious about a life-long commitment at this point"

And then he'd posted in the personals forum there, saying he's seeking a relationship - preferably marriage. Pissed off does not even BEGIN to cover it. Ya know, there's no ring on my finger, but he's said things that imply some long term thinking. That post makes me feel that not only is there no long term thinking, but that he doesn't even see the POSSIBILITY!!! At one point he'd said he'd taken his profile down from the site where we met, he wasn't seeing anyone else, wasn't looking. And then tonight I find this little gem. If he's decided he'd like to see other people, I would have appreciated finding it out some way other than by finding his personals post on a board we both frequent. I know our long-distance situation makes it impractical to seriously contemplate anything long-term and/or permanent right now, because a long-distance marriage would suck. But his posts make it sound like he doesn't even see the potential for anything, and if that's the case, then why continue to spend time with me? Just cut your losses and go find your dream girl already.

To quote an old Black Flag song (I think it was Black Flag, maybe not), "goddamnmotherfuckersonofabitch". I wrote him a big long e-mail, because he needs to know I'm pissed and why. He knows what happened to end my marriage. I will not be taken for granted by any man. So. It may be a Brian weekend, it may not.

At this moment, if I saw him, I'd probably kick him in the balls. And I'd love to take his Christmas present and just set it on fire. But then I couldn't resell it if this actually does turn out to be the end of the relationship.

I'll give him a chance to explain himself and tell me his side of the story - after all, even murderers deserve a chance to present a defense. But trust takes time to build, and longer to rebuild, and tonight it took a major hit.


meno said...

Oh the perfidious nature of some people. i am sorry. he could have least had the decency to tell you to your face. Coward.

Kalleigh Hathaway said...

I don't know, guys do this all the time. I've had it done to me before as well. My best friend, now married to her husband, said her guy maintained his dating profile right up to the point he proposed to her. Guys like to feel that their options are still open. I'm kind of the same way, but not as public about it. I want to be sure that the person I'm in an exclusive relationship with is the person I want to be in a relationship with.

Yes, he should have discussed it with you besides putting it up there. But at least he said he was seeing someone, which is more than a lot of guys would do in his shoes.

Anyway, I'm glad it ended well, but I wouldn't make him grovel too much or he'd probably just wonder why he is with you instead of finding someone sweeter and more forgiving. Just my $.02 for what it's worth.

Lisa said...

Meno, points to you for the use of the word "perfidious"!

Kalleigh, I just didn't expect *this* guy to do it. And given that my free time is limited right now (J doesn't meet anyone unless I'm pretty well convinced there's long-term potential, I don't want him to get attached to someone and then have that person drop out of his life), I don't want to be spending time dating someone if that someone is still out *seriously* looking for something better. If it were the early stages, sure, but we've been seeing each other for just over a year. I know I'm not looking for anyone else. And given things that he'd told me previously, neither was he - and then I saw this. If he hadn't made the statement to me that he would never be unfaithful to me (his word, not mine) because he'd seen the damage it could do (and this was some time back), that would be one thing. If we hadn't just recently been discussing things that it seems to me you wouldn't discuss unless you saw at least some long-term potential to the relationship, that would be one thing. But he did, and we were, and so then to see this? Not good. It takes a lot to get me good and flaming mad, but this did it. (K could vouch for that - in our eleven years of marriage, I think he saw me scary mad maybe two or three times.)

I won't make him grovel excessively - I'm certainly not looking to run him off (I'm rather fond of him, which is why this whole thing hurt so much in the first place). But it's kind of a big deal to me, so I'm not just letting him right off the hook - he does have to work to earn back that trust. If I were just being a bitch who wanted to make him sweat, I wouldn't have responded to his e-mail and I'd have told him never mind coming up this weekend, I don't want to see you right now. As for me being sweet, if he hasn't figured that out after a year, then he hasn't been paying attention. :-)