Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Zero to bitch in 1.2 seconds

That's how I've felt the past few days. In a bad, bad, bad mood. I think it's mostly hormonally induced, but I think part of it is due to feeling like work treats me like a child. How are you supposed to hold your head up high and feel like a contributing member of society if you're treated like you're about five years old? So I'm sure that isn't helping my mood any. It's been so bad that I've contemplated asking my doc about some kind of anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds. I really don't like myself much when I'm in moods like this, and I don't imagine anyone else does, either. I've noticed a real difference, too, on days where I forget to take my blood pressure meds. The Toprol really does have an anti-anxiety effect (at least consciously - work still stresses me internally because my blood pressure stays up, even if consciously I'm not wigging out as much) for me.

I'm tired. Tired of being understanding and empathetic and compassionate and polite in the face of anger and resentment. I'm really a bit of an introvert, and all the human contact can be draining at times. I'm turning into my dad - the older I get, the less I seem to like "people" in the sense of the general public. I think I'll see what I'd have to do to get my master's in library science, and work with books. A JD degree and a master's in library science, I could be a kick-ass law librarian. I could handle patrons talking back occasionally. I'm just tired of the constant press of needy, needy people that this job involves. I realize that not all jobs in this field are like this. But when you're working with smaller accounts (relatively speaking), with people whose needs exceed their resources and can't understand why you don't just give them what they want and aren't at all happy about being told no, it's not a lot of fun some of the time. So perhaps it's not so much that I don't like people, it's more that I don't like whiny people and having too much work. A former co-worker is now doing a job comparable to mine in a different area of the company, and it's worlds different - she said the pace is so laid back and she's so used to being busy constantly from being here, and she's so not overwhelmingly busy there, that it's too SLOW for her. I can't even imagine. I think I could handle boredom from not having enough to do better than stress from having way too much to do.

I just called about my computer again (the hard drive is failing, but it's still under warranty with Dell, so I won't have to pay for a new drive). Data recovery is going very slowly, and there are a lot of bad clusters on the drive. And there's no way to tell what's been recovered until the program finishes running - they can't stop it in the middle. Piece of crap drive. Dammit. I could cry. They'll call when that's done, and when it is, then they'll call Dell to replace the hard drive (it's under warranty until 2009, and if anyone else replaces it, that voids the warranty). *SIGH* Not sure if I need hugs or need to smack something, or both. If I can't get my pictures back, I may throw up. And there's no way to tell why it went bad - the tech said it could have been a power surge, the computer could have been bumped or kicked or jostled (not likely, it's been sitting in the same place on my desktop for nearly two years), it could have just been a dud and didn't crap out until now. Whatever the reason, I could just cry.

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