Just another manic Monday

Still no word on my computer. I've left two messages. I'm starting to get a bit peeved.

I had my quarterly review with my manager this morning. The review wasn't as bad as it could be - he's gotten it to where I'm a Meets/Meets on expectations and can therefore look internally for positions, which is good, and I feel like he's really trying to help - but if things that need improvement don't improve, it will be awful next time. As in, no more job for Lisa awful. I just feel so frustrated that it's *this* job that's making me crazed and that I can't seem to get a grip on. It's not that hard, intellectually. I mean, I'm an attorney licensed in two states, for crying out loud. Not like I'm some screaming moron or incapable of doing some pretty challenging work. So now I'm free to look elsewhere in the company, and I am - I applied for a compliance position today, and I will of course continue to look outside the company. I wish I'd get my computer back soon, so I could do more looking from home.

In other news: K and A are taking J to dinner tomorrow night. I'm OK with this. K said I might get to meet A when they bring J back home, if she's not too nervous to get out of the car. Apparently she's a bit intimidated by me, the whole ten years older and being a lawyer thing. Being as how I generally see myself as about as intimidating as a squishy bear if I haven't worked up a good mad, I find that vastly entertaining. There are days I can't intimidate my four-year-old. But I suppose if it were me in that position, I might be a little freaked out, too. So we'll see if I meet A or not. If she and K are going to end up together for the long term, I reckon she'll have to meet me at some point!

Speaking of monkey boy - J has had a rough 24 hours. I told him to stay off the toy chest yesterday afternoon. He got on it - in sock feet - and promptly fell off and bonked his knee. (And then we had the whole conversation on "see why I tell you to stay off the toy chest".) He fell off the stepstool getting out of bed. He fell out of bed about 11:30 last night. And he totally walked into the island in the kitchen this morning when he was getting a drink out of the fridge. Poor baby, he is my child - he's a klutz, just like his mama.

He is enthralled with the toy organizer that I got from Target, though, and thinks it's FUN to put his toys up. Score for mama!!! Next project: a bookcase. You think I can put it together by myself?

Last night we were both asleep by 9:30. We both woke up at 11:30 when he fell out of bed (he was OK, and went back to sleep in short order), and then I was awakened around 4:00 by the violent thunderstorm going through. At one point, it was thundering so hard that my house was shaking. I could literally hear things rattling. Scary. J somehow slept through all of it, and I guess I fell back asleep sometime before 5:00.

And now I can write a bit more about my weekend with Brian.

It was just a low-key weekend. We went out to dinner Friday night after he got here, and then we spent the rest of the weekend watching season 5 of Buffy. Yep, all 22 episodes. There was some sleep involved, and some fun of a nature I won't describe here. And I miss him now that he isn't here.

I wish I got to see him more often. I know that it's OK now for him to meet J, and I expect that that will happen before too long. But even with that not keeping us from seeing each other, there's still the distance factor, and gas isn't cheap. So it's not like I'll have much of a chance to see him during the week even if it's OK for him to see me when J is with me. And today I'm just feeling really bummed by his not being here. Do you think it means something when you feel down just because a person isn't around? I was thinking about this while writing in my handwritten journal last night. We've been going out for a year. I'll admit to liking Brian a tremendous amount, but I hesitate to call it love. Can I see a future with him? Yes, and without much difficulty other than the fact that we live in two different places. So why not love? Do I just not want to be the one to say it first? I know that Brian saw someone in the past who was a distance away, and he broke that off because he didn't see it going anywhere. So, a year into it, and we're both still willing to put forth the time and effort in spite of the distance. That says something, doesn't it? Perhaps Brian and I should just have a talk. Ugh, I hate talks.

But I guess I'd like to have some idea as to where things are going. If we both see a future, are we willing to work something out in the event we don't both end up in the same place? Do we both have to end up in the same place first before anything else can happen? If that doesn't happen is it a total deal-breaker?

And on some level, I'm nervous about the answer. If Brian were to say both of us not being in the same place would be a deal-breaker, I'd just want to lay down and die. I feel for him like I've never felt about anyone, not even K (and as I was married to K for 11 years, I think that's saying something), not even thinking back to when K and I were dating. But mostly, if we had to be in the same place for anything to go any further or for any serious thought to be given to the possibility, I'd be sad. I'd worry, well, how long do we keep trying that, waiting to see if things work out? But is knowing where I stand better than not knowing? If things weren't going to work out, I guess I'd rather know sooner than later. It's just a big scary thing, and I hate big scary things.