And now the holiday fun starts. K's mom had asked me if they could come visit for Easter, and as is my usual reaction, I said sure. But then I realized that Easter is the first weekend in April, and J would be with K, so I said he and I would need to talk first. They were planning to come and stay here with me and J.
K called just now. He's talked to his mom, and now wants me to talk to her and try to dissuade them from staying here. He says he thinks it's inappropriate for them to stay here for the holiday when J will be with A and him, and he hasn't mentioned it to A, but he thinks she'd be uncomfortable with it as well. I told him to speak for himself if he was bothered by it, and to ask A before he said it would bother her - he just insisted that he "knew" it would bother her. I guess I can see that it would be weird having your in-laws staying at their ex-DIL's house, but I'm so used to welcoming them whenever they feel like coming to visit that this hurts. I adore K's parents. I want them to come see us and to feel welcome here. I hate that K wants me to be the one to try to convince them not to stay here. I told him that if he and A were bothered, that needed to come from him, but that I would point out it was K's weekend with J, and that they might want to stay closer to them this visit, not that I minded them staying here but it would be more work for them driving back and forth. I'm sure she'll ask why we couldn't switch weekends, but plans the rest of the month really do work against us doing that. So. I'm not looking forward to this conversation. K says he feels like he's stuck in the middle. Well, so do I. I feel like I'm stuck between what his parents want and what he wants, and if it bothers him and A if they stay here, I wish that would just come from him rather than it coming from me first that I think it might be better if they didn't stay here.
He asked me wouldn't it bother me if Brian's parents went to stay at his ex's house. I said if they still got along, I don't think it would. I know Brian is still on good terms with his ex-ILs, and they get together for dinner periodically, and I'm fine with that. They've told him they'd like to meet me at some point. I'm not bothered by that at all. But maybe I'm just wired differently than some people.
I got upset and cried, and K got all wiggy about that. I told him that it hurt, that I still think of his parents as family and I hate telling them for whatever reason that they can't/shouldn't stay here. He said he wasn't saying they couldn't stay here ever, he just didn't think it was right for a holiday. I'm not sure whether he meant *any* holiday or just one where J was with A and him. At any rate, this sucks, and I don't care what K says, he isn't in the same position. His parents have always been welcome in this house, and it was and still is my home. K is in a different home, one with stairs that would make it difficult for his dad to maneuver to the bedroom to sleep (his dad has arthritis in his hips) - there are logistical reasons why K could say, hey, y'all might be more comfortable in a hotel than here. I hate that it's coming from me, because it never has before.
This sucks.
5 comments:
Well Easter is approaching fast...and it's time for all the fun with our loved ones all around...and well to enjoy some more of the fun on Easter do drop by my blog on Easter Greetings sometime and enjoy all that i've posted there!!!
I feel for you. Even when the divorce is "amicable" there's always issues like this that come up. I heard my ex talking to my son about some old friends of ours and how he'd seen them recently and it kinda made me mad that he "got" those friends in the divorce. Especially since the wife was my friend before my ex was friends with the husband.
Anyway.
I know you will handle it gracefully, just call and offer them to stay and remind them that J won't be there, but they are welcome no matter what.
And be sure and tell them that you still value spending time with them..they might need to hear that right about now.
I did explain that it was K's weekend with J. K's mom suggested that they might come another, non-holiday weekend when K is with me. K didn't like that idea a whole lot, but I can't tell his parents what to do.
I don't want to be difficult, and I don't think I am. I'm just not sure it's my issue. I'm fine either way, whether his parents stay here or go there, and I understand that there will be times when his parents come primarily (or only) to see them. If K or A have concerns or feel uncomfortable with something or would like to see his parents come on a certain weekend, that should come from them, not from me. Or at least I think so. Maybe I'm all wrong.
No, I don't think you're wrong at all, Lisa. I think it's absolutely wonderful that your ex-in-laws and you still have a good relationship and that relationship should continue - especially for the sake of your son! (Says a whole LOT about your good character that you can continue that relationship!
Your ex-husband (IMO) needs to deal with his issues about this - but he needs to keep in mind that his son needs his grandparents. And whatever concerns he has - should definitely be discussed by HIM with his parents. I hope you can refuse to get in the middle of it.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Divorce sucks in so many ways...this is one of them. Been there...you have my sympathy and (((HUGS))))
Oh, Lisa, that just sucks. I think that K needs to understand that you have a relationship with his parents outside of your relationship with him. And I can understand wy he might be hurt that his parents prefer to stay with you - but that's for him to discuss with his parents, kwim? I think that once you guys work through this state of flux and everyone figures out the new status of their relationships, things will hum along smoothly for the most part. It's just hard getting to that point.
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