Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Just ugh.

Yesterday was good - had J's follow-up with the allergist. He was amazingly good for that, a trip to Target, and most of a trip to the post office. He finally had a fit when we were leaving the post office, he saw a fire truck outside and didn't want to get in the car, he wanted to stay outside and see the fire truck. Never mind that it had already gone by! LOL No nap, of course, but we played with trucks and read and watched a little TV, and I cooked dinner, did some laundry and picked up a little bit.

Last night J looked at a spot where some of K's stuff used to be and made a comment about the stuff being gone. This is the first thing he's ever said about things being different, and it just about made me want to cry. That's what I hate the most about this, the impact it will/may/could have on J. I wonder sometimes if I'm selfishly putting my own interests above those of my son in getting out of my marriage, if maybe I'm not doing the best I can for him. But then I think, but how much good would it do him for mom and dad to stay together just for his sake, and then split up when he's 18? What kind of damage would *that* do? And what sort of example would he grow up with, being in a house where mom and dad are friends but nothing more? Not like that would be exactly an ideal environment, either. So logically I know it's the right move, but emotionally it just hurt to hear J say that.

My job makes me tired. I have no get-up-and-go, this place just sucks the life out of me. If it weren't for the people I work with, I think I'd have gone stark raving mad by now.

I have my quarterly one-on-one review meeting with my manager this afternoon, and I have to return a call to a disgruntled client. Wish me luck.

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