Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Like a rat on a wheel

That's what I feel like. Dear God, work. It doesn't get better. I seriously don't know how much longer I can take this. I just got paid and I'm broke again. I haven't even paid all my bills. I hate this. If I loved the job and it paid crap, that would be one thing. If the job sucked but paid handsomely, that would make it tolerable. But I can't even get by on what I'm making, AND it sucks rocks. I don't know what to do. Transcription might be the answer (or *an* answer), but I don't know how to make it happen - I don't know where tuition money would come from, don't know how I'd get started without quitting and doing it full-time (and taking a huge pay cut in the process), don't know if I could do it part-time from home starting out, I just don't know how to get from here to there. We don't get cost of living raises, and I don't hold out much hope of me getting a merit raise (I don't see how anyone does here, given the insanity of our workload), since those are few and far between (and will be as long as we're seen as a cost center instead of an income center). I keep looking for a job, but nothing has come of anything yet. I can't think of any other way to bring in more money, and I can't keep relying on K, or his savings will be gone, too. I just don't know what to do. I feel beaten down and depressed, and it's very hard to maintain a positive, abundant attitude when you feel like that and when you just dread going into work every day.

And the company provides assistance with daycare costs - but only if your individual salary is below a certain amount and family salary is below another amount. What I make is below the family amount but more than the individual amount, so I don't qualify - never mind that I am a single parent, I am the family income.

And I wonder why so much goes undone. The garage door opener, going to the dentist, going to see my lap-band surgeon - all important things. But when you're wondering how to cover daycare for the next couple of weeks and get your bills paid and put gas in your car, it's hard to spend the money on going to the doctor for an optional visit instead.

And I don't want to be extravagant. That's what floors me. Not like I want a lavish lifestyle. I want to be able to meet my obligations, pay for J's care, take care of him and me, attend to needs around the house, have a little to save, and have a little to have fun with. In a seminar we had a couple of weeks ago, one of our in-house IRA/retirement experts was saying that if you want $40,000 a year for retirement, you should have $1 million saved up. I guess I'll never retire, then, because it will be a cold day in hell before I can ever get that saved.

This job was supposed to be better, or at least lead to better things. But I've been here two years now, and when it boils down to it, it's not better. The recruiter did quite a job spinning it to make it sound like it would be. But it's more stress (way more stress - the true nature of the job isn't really revealed until you're here, and even then it takes a couple of months to really sink in), I took a pay cut (which will not ever be made up by raises and bonuses like the recruiter said it would), there's no way to work from home (not for us, anyway - upper management, sure, but us peons? Never). None of the reasons I took this job thinking it would be better (or become better) have panned out. At least at my previous job I was respected and paid a decent salary, and I didn't feel panicked if I had to take a day off unexpectedly, concerned that I'd have too many unscheduled absences. Sure, there was no room to really move up at my last job, but it will be a cold day in hell before I move up here, and at least at my old job I got raises and bonuses. So if they'd have me back, I'd go, even with the longer commute. But I know how the manager is there - once you go, you're gone, no take-backs. So here I am, trying desperately to figure out which way to go now and trying not to just crawl into a bottle of tequila and stay there.

If it weren't for the fact that I need a paycheck and need benefits for me and J, I think I'd just walk out and never come back. I'm that miserable right now.

Isn't there more to life than this?!

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