No, seriously. I need someone who can help me with the cooking and cleaning and laundry, who can help get J ready as I try to take the trash out in the morning or get him dressed while I'm getting ready, just someone who can be there and help with things and be a partner. It's hard work trying to do everything on my own, and today it's just getting to me.
Today everything is getting to me. More than once in the last couple of days, I've found myself on the verge of tears for no apparent reason. I just know there's got to be something better to life than this. I know life isn't sunshine and roses all the time, and that a lot of it is going to be just mundane stuff - I don't expect it to be one burst of excitement after another, all the time. But it can't be *all* stress over money, stress at work, stress from butting heads with my strong-willed son, can it? Surely it's not too much to hope for/expect a life where not everything in it stresses me out. Is it too much to hope for work I find rewarding? Is it too much to hope for enough income to take care of me and J? Is it too much to hope for someone (other than my son) who loves me and wants to spend time with me and cherishes me and lets me know it? Right now it just feels like every major area of my life - finances, work, relationships, even parenting - just sucks, and it's depressing. My house is a pit, but when I get home of an evening, I can't seem to dredge up the energy to do anything much about it - not enough to get it closer to looking good, at least. I worry about J, worry that I don't spend enough time with him, don't give him enough attention when we're home, worry that he'll have emotional and psychological scars because K and I split up. After he went to sleep last night, I sat there and watched him sleep, and I cried.
And money. Does it never end?! I filed bankruptcy last April, thought I'd taken care of all my unsecured debt through that, including an astronomical bill that Cingular Wireless said we owed (no way did we run up the bill they said we had, I know for a fact there was something screwy with the call timers on K's phone on at least two occasions, and I think we were overcharged, although Cingular would never admit it). I thought that was that. Well, Cingular started calling over some balance I allegedly owed. Um, no, that was taken care of in the bankruptcy. I referred it to the attorney who'd handled my bankruptcy, she wrote them a letter telling them to bug off, it was covered in the bankruptcy, and I thought that was that. Now they're back with a collection agency, again trying to collect this balance. They're saying I owe an additional $500+, and I have to either pay or make settlement arrangements by tomorrow. Pay with what?! I have nothing in my savings account, about $40 in one checking account, and the money in my other checking account is already spoken for. I have nothing in my 401(k) to borrow against or withdraw. I might can get a few dollars from the pennies I have in my change jar. So now I'm going to have to suck up and call them. I hate Cingular. If theirs was the only wireless service available, I wouldn't have a cell phone. But this is a perfect example - I filed bankruptcy, tried to clear up my business, and yet it keeps coming back to bite me in the ass. I am sick and tired of that, sick and tired of unpleasant surprises, sick and tired of stressing and worrying and wondering how the hell I'll afford the next crisis that comes along. I haven't seen my lap-band surgeon in over a year - forget paying for a fill, I don't have an extra $50 right now to make the co-pay for the office visit. I'm just SICK of it. When do things get better, and how can I help them get better? And once I figure out how to help things get better, how do I muster up the energy to do it?
This is K's weekend with J, and I am so looking forward to the break. But I'm a bit concerned, because last weekend K told me he couldn't handle Little Gym by himself. J is a bit of a nonconformist, and it bothers K a great deal that he's the only parent not sitting in the circle for the group activity - J infinitely prefers to do his own thing. I'm not sure why that's such a big deal - the instructor doesn't make a big deal about the kids sticking strictly to routine at this age, and I'm not sure why it bothers K so much unless he just hates feeling out of control of J (what's to control, let him run until he drops) or he worries that other parents there are thinking he's out of control of J (hey, they've all got kids - even if their kids are perfect angels when we see them, you know they've all had moments where their children were so hideous that they wished the floor would open up and swallow them whole! LOL). But he's said it does bother him and he just can't do it by himself. So I'm guessing that means he wants me to go to Little Gym with him and J on my off weekends. I don't mind going to Little Gym, per se - it's fun, and J has a blast if he's not so tired that he can barely function (this is what happened last week, J just wanted to lay on the mat - now that's a rare occurrence!). But my concerns with going every week are 1) if I do, I'll never have a truly free weekend, where I can sleep as late as I want, get up and do whatever I want, without having to worry that I have an obligation to make, and 2) I run the very real risk that, if I go to Little Gym on my off weekends, J will see me and throw an unholy fit to go back to the big house with mama afterward. That would mean I'd have gotten exactly one night to myself, most of which would have been spent sleeping. That hardly seems fair. Maybe I'm just a heartless bitch, but I don't think so - I need those breaks, I know I function better and deal with J's fits better when I've had some time to myself. That weekend I went to the Baylor game, that was the first truly free weekend I've had in I don't know when. I need more time like that, not less, and I'm afraid less is what I'll get if I go to Little Gym every weekend. So that's another thing I'm stressed out about.
Now I've read back over what I wrote and thoroughly depressed myself. I guess I'd better stop before I start crying at my desk. Time to work, woo.