Monday, November 07, 2005

Yesterday I was happy

Today I am not. As soon as I got to work, the crap came crashing down around my ears. My quarterly review is tomorrow. One of the big issues at my last review was complaints. I'd done pretty well on staying on top of things - until recently. I had about two or three come in in the last couple of weeks, and my manager's e-mail has said we'll discuss this at the review. I'm just sick. There goes any chance for a bonus or raise next year, I'm sure. And dammit, I'm human. I try to stay on top of things, I really do. But sometimes things get past - unfortunately for me, the ones that slip past are usually the ones that come back and make a really big noise about it. But I'm just tired of feeling incompetent, because I do. How can I be perfect, though? Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job. All I know is, I feel like crap right now. I want to cry and kick something, and I can't do either.


Kay said...

Sounds like you need to spend some time thinking about longterm career strategy. That was the hardest part for me in my separation, moving from being the second income to determining how to change my life so that I'm not financially dependent on either a man or an employer (meaning that *I* am in charge of deciding when enough is enough at work, and making myself marketable enough to walk out the door if stress/money/life don't properly balance). However, you're at an advantage because you have a law degree, while I have a B.A. in an obscure field and only 12 years work experience in a unique office setting, so I'm going to need more training before I can put my plan into motion. Spend some time figuring out how to empower yourself. Maybe you'll want to add some of the books on this website to your Christmas list? Even though Texas doesn't give it CLE credit, you may also want to shell out the money to do the seminar, Shifting Gears: Alternative Careers for Lawyers. Get yourself a good headhunter in your metro area and even if you don't want to practice law, consider working as an author, educator, or simply on a contract basis for a temp staff until you find your right fit.

After all, what DOES your current position offer you except the ease of not having to look for a new job?

Just some thoughts - feel free to disregard!

Lisa said...

Kayten, I never disregard your thoughts. I've missed hearing from you! I'm already used to being the primary income - I was never the second income in the family, as I always made more than K. (This is why he stayed home with J for six months after I had to go back to work - we couldn't have afforded for me to stay home, both from a salary standpoint and a benefits/insurance standpoint.) So that's one hurdle I don't have to overcome.

I do, however, have to overcome inertia. Job hunting is hard. It sucks at the best of times, even more so when you're starting to feel desperate to get out of a job you don't like. It's easy to make excuses not to do research or go to seminars or send resumes, and I've got to get past that inertia. It would also help if I could really figure out what I want to be when I grow up, although many of my interests would require further education, and I can't afford that right now. (Besides, Baylor is the only university around here that offers a forensic science degree, and that's just too far to commute with a little one!) But I know there's bound to be something out there that I can do, and be good at, that pays well enough to support me and J to where I'm not scrimping and saving and pinching and stressing over money all the time. I just have to find what it is, and that means some effort on my part.

But since my current job offers not much beyond that inertia, that not having to look, you're right - I don't have anything to lose.