Sunday, October 30, 2005

Eventually everything gets better. Some things just take longer.

J was asleep by 9:00 tonight. I know he was worn plumb out - he and I were both just as cranky as could be. I put him in the bath at 7:45 tonight, and he tried to put off bedtime (told me I needed to go away so he could have a poo - um, no, you've had two today, and you aren't getting away with that tonight [45 minutes last night and no poo, you'd think I'd have caught on quicker]; told me he wanted daddy when I told him to get in the bed - think daddy would let you stay up? Guess again :lol: ), but I stood firm. And when he laid down, it took him about three minutes and a cup of milk to be snoring. I hope he sleeps until 6:30 or so. He's been operating on not enough sleep for about a week and a half, and it showed. Bad timing that his no-sleep grumpies coincided with my running out of Wellbutrin - there have been moments this weekend when I felt like I could have crawled right out of my skin.

I had a big whiny pissy fest last night when I was writing in another journal. I'm still out of sorts today, but not quite as much as I was yesterday. But still - I'm sick and tired of being broke all the time. I am sick unto death of working for a company where higher-ups get bonuses big enough to buy boats (I think our CEO's bonus was in the millions) while the peons don't even get cost-of-living increases. I find it vastly unfair that I tried (not always successfully) to carry the family financially for ten years, and now K is on his own and doing OK, and I'm *still* perpetually strapped for cash. Not that it's K's fault - I'm glad he has a good job and is doing OK for himself, because I know it was hard on him not having what he saw as a good job for such a long time, and I think he had his doubts about how he'd do on his own before he moved out. I just think it sucks that I've pinched and scraped and stressed over money throughout my marriage, and now that my marriage is ending, I continue to do so. When does it get better? I mean, I filed bankruptcy to get rid of the debt I couldn't handle, and I don't think I'm extravagant (my treat to myself at Target today was about $8 worth of stuff - oooh, big spender), so I don't see how I can do much more to help myself. I can find a better-paying job, and believe me, I keep my eyes open to see what's out there. But that takes time, and some days I feel like I'm skating so close to the edge that I don't have time to be patient and wait for a really good job to come along. And I'm really, really tired of carrying that load of stress. UGH. Between that and the job that makes me feel stupid and incompetent every day, it's a wonder some days that my head hasn't exploded.

I've decided I'd like to work for the IRS. A former co-worker, also an attorney, worked there. It sounds like a fairly good situation, certainly would pay more than what I make where I am now (quite a bit more, I think), and I have the background for it (background which I will never, ever use where I am now). So I'm signing up for job notifications from there. I know, I know - think of the scope for really bad jokes, an attorney working for the IRS. I don't care. If I'm making good money at a job that doesn't make me want to bang my head against the nearest wall, I'll be laughing all the way to the bank.

I'm dreading going to work tomorrow. I have phone calls to make and that complaint to deal with. Ugh. Hopefully I can find the intestinal fortitude to just jump in and get the nasties over with.

Baylor lost this weekend. To Texas Tech. For Homecoming. 28-0. UGH. That's our worst loss this year.

I'd better get some sleep - tomorrow promises to suck ass, and the sun isn't even up yet.


Mom of 3 said...
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Mom of 3 said...

Hi, I just started my own blog today, and have been reading yours in the last month. I check yours every single day for a new update, thanks for writing so often. I posted a link on my blog to your
blog, don't know if that's proper etiquette or not. My blog is if you want to check it out. If you want to link my blog to yours,I'd appreciate it. Cheryl