Monday all day long.

It was a fairly rotten weekend from an emotional standpoint. J is very two, and K and I had a discussion about some financial stuff that just left me tired. In the course of that conversation, I got really uptight and lost it in front of J, which is something I swore I'd never do. He knew something was up - I could tell by the look on his face, and that look just cut me to the bone. So K and I both hugged him and reassured him, and he's probably forgotten the whole thing by now - but still, I felt like the worst parent ever.

And J is just so very, very TWO. Meltdowns with minimal or no provocation, constant repetition of limits that you know he understands, and the ever-present "no" (I seriously think he says "no" just to hear himself say it, not because he really means it). It's very draining. Supposedly little girls are calmer and more obedient at this age, and the trade-off is that teenage boys are generally easier to deal with. But Lord have mercy, the preschool years may kill me off first. Now I understand why one of my girlfriends was constantly riding herd on her two boys - she had to! And friends with children tell me three is worse. OY. I love my son, I'd do anything for him, I wouldn't trade him for the world, but boy howdy, being a parent sure is hard work.

This day hasn't started off so great, either. Three meltdowns from J this morning - one over turning the TV off when it was time to go, although we'd discussed several times the point at which the video would have to be turned off; one over leaving his dump truck in mama's truck, although he understands that he may lose toys if he takes them to school and is generally quite good about leaving things without a fuss; and the screaming-banshee impression at daycare drop-off. The third one really upset me. We'd been doing so well with that - J and I have talked about the fact that mama has to go to work, J gets to go to school, and mama always comes back and gets J and gives him hugs and kisses. And he's been doing really well for a while. I can't remember the last time we had a howling throwdown - a couple of whines from time to time, but not a screaming fit. Well, today we had the full-out screaming fit. As soon as we walked in, he started hanging onto my legs, saying, "mama, up, up." I told him mama had to go to work, that I'd get him some milk. He was fine when I walked away for milk, but when I came back, he started the "up, up" routine again. I told him again that mama had to go to work, but that I loved him and I'd be back this afternoon, and I started walking toward the door. I hadn't gotten halfway across the gym when I heard wailing and running feet - he'd lit out after me. *SIGH* So I turned around to give him a hug and kiss, and here went the "up, up" routine again - he glues himself to my legs and looks up at me with the most piteous expression. I hugged and kissed him and told him again that I'd be back this afternoon, and I left. The door closed on the sound of my child screaming for his mama. UGH. I wanted to sit in the car and just cry. I'm not sure why the regression, I just know that it absolutely breaks my heart to leave him like that. Damn the need to bring home a paycheck, days like that I just want to stay with my son, even if we have to live in a box under a bridge somewhere.

(Realistically I don't mean that - I know life would be very, very hard indeed if I didn't work. But some days I wish I could tell the work world to go hang and stay home with my baby boy.)

Then I had a lap-band moment on the way to work - meaning, something hung up and didn't want to go down. I'm thinking it was the huge Augmentin pills I'm trying to finish off, because I hadn't eaten very much at all. When something hangs up in the band and won't go down, it hurts - sometimes it hurts a lot, and today was one of those times. And it doesn't stop hurting unless whatever's hung up either goes down or comes back up. So here I was driving through some of the less-than-nice parts of Dallas on my way to work, hurting like a son of a bitch, and wondering if this thing would just pass or if I'd have to find some relatively safe-looking place to pull over and hurl. Mmm, fun. (That's the function of the lap-band - my own personal food police, to keep me from eating more than I should.) Finally, after about 15 minutes of pain, whatever was hung up went down, and I felt better. Now I'm starving but scared to eat, and yet the thought of a day filled with only protein shakes isn't appealing at all. Not sure yet what I'll do about that.

And then, back at work after a half day off on Friday, I find no less than 28 things in my inbox, all requiring my attention. Then there have been a couple of other crises that have popped up, so I'm running like a crazy woman. Calgon, take me away....

This day has sucked rocks so far. Can I just go home, go back to bed, and have a redo?

Mommy Madness

Boy, did this hit home. I can relate - I was raised to be self-sufficient and independent, and my parents certainly never even considered any possibility other than me going to college, getting at least one degree, and kicking ass in the working world. They never said, "you can't do that, you're a girl." I *was* raised to think I could do it all, although there were times when I was younger that I just didn't think I'd ever have children. And now? There are days that doing it all - or trying to - really takes its toll. I think that in some ways, the feminist movement did more harm than good, by promoting that very idea, that women can do it all. Not that it hasn't done some good - women should get comparable pay for doing comparable work to me, women should be able to go into any career field they choose, and all that good stuff. But the pendulum has, to some extent, swung so that being a stay-at-home mother and wife has fallen out of favor, and women are made to feel like they're wasting their talents if they choose to do that. I think that's just sad. We try to do everything and end up not being very good at any of it because we're just spread too thin.

Fun with the J-man

I'm not sure what was in the air Tuesday night, but J had a flaming thermonuclear meltdown in the driveway after we got home. On the way home, we'd been talking about the moon and how you'd need a really tall ladder to get it down. J informed me that if he got it, he'd keep it and put it in his toy box. Anyway, he's just fascinated with the moon, has been for a while, but never like tonight. We stood in the driveway for a bit and looked at the moon, and that was fine. But when the suggestion was made that it might be time to go in and have dinner, you'd have thought J had learned there was no Santa, no Easter bunny, and that he was never having a birthday party again, the fit he threw. He was screaming, "nooooooo, stay outside!" and *running* away from me. My child was literally howling at the moon - great, I've given birth to a little baby werewolf. Once we were finally inside, J proceeded to prostrate himself by the door and scream that he wanted to go outside. He screamed at everything and nothing would settle him down. Finally, finally I convinced him to come into the laundry room with me, and I showed him that we could look out the window there and see the moon in the sky. He said, "Goodnight moon, night-night time" and walked away, problem solved. A good twenty minutes of emotional upheaval, and it was over in seconds. AARGH. This is what frustrates me so about my baby boy, that emotional nature. It makes no sense to practical, logical me.

But in other news: He and I were in the bed Tuesday night, reading his books. I read his Thomas' ABC Book to him, and as I was picking up another book, he said, "Read Thomas book." I said, no, we've already read that one, and he told me, "No, J read it." And he took his book and proceeded to open it to the first page and read it. "A is for all aboard, all aboard calls Thomas the Tank Engine. B for Bertie the Bus, Bertie is Thomas's friend, beep beep." He'd tell me word for word what was on the page. I realize that at this point a lot of it is memorization (although he's memorized so many books, that's pretty amazing in and of itself), but he knew what page he was on. If he skipped a page, he'd either go back to where he should have been or he'd read what was on the page he was looking at, instead of just parroting what he'd memorized as coming next. I could have just cried, I was so proud of him. My super-smart baby boy!!! I was reading at age 3, maybe he will be, too.

Wanting more

This post in The Odd Wife's blog got me to thinking. I don't think K and I have ever had what she describes herself and EH as having. I think K and I were best friends, and at one time that was sufficient. Heck, I still consider K a friend, and I reckon I always will - after all that's happened, I really can't think of anything that could come up that would make me tell him, "I can't stand the sight of you, go away, I don't ever want to see you ever again". But it seems to me that if what we had was anything close to what The Odd Wife describes, then he wouldn't, at some point, have found himself looking elsewhere to find that "sparkle", that thrill of discovery with someone new. It's just unfortunate that it took us ten years and having a child to figure this out, and it's unfortunate that now our child will have to live with the effects of his parents splitting up. But is it wrong to want, to hope for, a love like that? Because I do.

It sure feels like a Monday

I had yesterday off, but I don't feel rested. And I'm swamped at work. AND it's supposed to get cold and rainy this week, after being in the 80's and positively springlike for the past couple of days. YUCK. I hate winter, I will never live somewhere where it gets *really* cold and where they have an actual winter. I'm a Southern girl, I've lived down here my whole life, and my blood is just too thin to live somewhere with real winter. Yes, we have 100+ degree days for weeks on end sometimes in the summer, but that's what air conditioning and covered parking are for. I'll take the hot, thanks.

Not too much exciting happened over the weekend - no naps for the J-man, some cleaning, a trip or two to Target (J got a train, and we've talked before about not opening things until we pay for them - he understands that, and as soon as we got in the car, he handed me the package with his train and said, "Mama, unlemp (his word for unwrap) Henry (the train) RIGHT NOW!" Bossy little man. LOLOL).

I did talk to the loan officer yesterday. She told me what information she'll need (tax info, pay stubs, plus a $325 check to do an appraisal - UGH), and said it will take about three weeks to process once they've got all the paperwork. AARGH!!!!!!!!!! I guess it's just frustrating, finally seeing a light at the end of the financial tunnel, being so close to sorting things out so that maybe K and I can make some progress on disentangling our lives, and being told, oh wait, we need more info and then you have to wait some more. You might think, but this has been going on for almost two years, what's a few more weeks? That's just it - it's been going on for almost two years, and to be so tantalizingly close and yet not be there just about makes me want to crawl out of my skin with frustration. AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow night is my second late night in less than a week. Feh. Not looking forward to that. But then I won't have another late night until March - the 23rd, I think.

And on a happy note, I'm getting my piano tuned on Friday! Yay!!!!! That's J's belated Valentine's gift to his mama. :-) I've had this piano since I first started taking lessons at age 7, so it's almost 30 years old now. It's been several years since I've had it tuned, and I can really hear it when I play. I'm so very, very glad to be getting this done, I just can't wait!!!

Now, back to the regularly scheduled daily grind and the dilemma of what to have for lunch....

Today's fortune cookie

"Important events are in your future."

Well! That could be nice.

And add "in bed"? Now THAT makes it downright INTERESTING! Tee hee....

Just a quick post...

Gee, I just realized I haven't even looked at my blog today, much less written anything! That could be because there's nothing particularly earth-shattering to write about.

I'm still at work - time for my monthly phone servitude. And oh, joy, since tonight was a swap for my scheduled January night, I get to do this again next Wednesday. Hooray. I hate phone time. Thankfully, I'll be done, at least for tonight, in about five minutes.

Went to the doc yesterday - surprise, surprise, I've got a sinus infection. She loaded me up with some monstrously big Augmentin pills, and told me to keep taking OTC stuff for pain and congestion. I feel OK today, I'm just tired of blowing my nose every thirty seconds. Enough already, don't I run out of snot eventually?!

No big plans for the weekend. Tomorrow is library day with J - if they have good displays (meaning something with trucks, trains or things that go), he likes it. And he likes to play in the birdbath outside the library. So that should be fun.

And Monday's a holiday, woo hoo!!! A holiday when daycare is open, double WOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!! Mental health day for mama!!! :) And hopefully some good news on the home equity loan.

I think it's time to shut things down here. It's close enough to 7:00 that I'm going to take off.

Cautiously optimistic

Well, blogfans, it looks like 2005 might start to improve after all. I checked into refinancing the house, and it looks like there's an approval for enough to pay off the existing house note (foolishly obtained several years ago in an effort to consolidate credit card debt, which K and I then promptly ran back up), my car, K's car, the rest of his existing credit card debt, all the taxes, all my professional dues and taxes (which are legion - it's expensive to be a lawyer! LOL), have enough for a new computer, a new mattress (which I DESPERATELY need), some home repairs and car maintenance that need to be tended to, and still have a good bit to go in savings. All this, and the payment on the new home equity loan will be $200 less than what I'm currently paying on the existing house note and my car. And the beauty is, I won't be running up new debt. I haven't had credit cards for almost a year, I know I can do just fine without them. I don't plan to get a new car or new house, I like the ones I have. This will allow me to actually pay things off, get caught up on all my little piddly stuff that keeps getting put on the back burner, and maybe actually SAVE some money for my retirement and J's future. And with K's things being paid off, that frees up money for him to help out with daycare costs and things for J. :) Of course, I get this e-mail last night, and the woman I've been working with says at the end of the e-mail that she's out of the office until Monday, 2/21, at a sales convention. AACK. But I'm cautiously optimistic that maybe things will begin to turn around if this really goes through (I won't believe it until I have cash in hand!).

Other than that, it's just a day. I feel much better, my face no longer hurts and I can actually breathe out of my nose on occasion. I'm still going to the doctor today, though - the goo is still green, so I guess I'd better get on with the antibiotics and get better. This means I get to leave work early, woo hoo!!! :)

So maybe things are looking up. It's about time.

Woo hoo!!!

I'm feeling *much* better right now. I still have some congestion, and it's still coming out of my nose day-glo green more often than not, but my face doesn't hurt anymore. At all. This is amazing to me, considering that when I woke up this morning, the right side of my face was hurting like hell and puffy all the way up to (and including) my eye. I have no idea what happened to make me feel so much better, I'm just taking it and saying thank you. :-)

That being said, I'd better go take some more of the allergy/sinus medicine I've been taking. Maybe I won't have to make that doctor's appointment tomorrow after all....

Dreams

I've had a couple of pretty vivid dreams lately. I seldom remember dreams these days, so I thought I'd write these down for what they're worth. Both were very odd dreams, and I'm just writing what I remember of them.

In the first, I was at some kind of meeting. I was walking out to my car in the parking lot when I was approached by two young women, probably college-age, asking me some survey-type questions. I was politely paying about half attention, and one of them asked me if I wanted to take the online survey. I said, oh, sure, thinking they'd give me a website to go to on my own time. But no, they said, they had a computer set up there. OK, fine. It was set up in a Jeep (one of the bigger ones, like a Cherokee), on the passenger side. I sat down and the computer was set up in such a way that there was a wire frame holding it and resting on my legs. While I was sitting there, one of these young women went around to the driver's side, and before I knew it, she'd put the car in gear, jammed the gas pedal down, and the car took off with just me in it. I was freaked out, to say the least. Somehow I managed to get the keys out of the ignition and the car stopped with no harm done. I then found my purse and realized that all of my cards - debit, driver's license, insurance, everything - had been replaced with carefully crafted lookalikes and my real cards were all gone.

In the second, K and I lived in the house where I am now, but it was like it had been picked up and moved back to my hometown in Louisiana. I say that because my aunt and uncle, who live in that town, were there in my dream. In the dream, there was a gas leak suspected in the neighborhood, and everyone was being evacuated without the chance to take much with them. For some reason it had to be done very quickly and quietly. I was running around trying to collect as many of my photo albums and pictures and videos of J as I could, because I was afraid I'd never get the chance to come back to the house.

It's strange what the subconscious comes up with sometimes.

A sad day for hockey

This sucks.

I can't say as I'm surprised, but I am disappointed. And I'm not sure how they'll come back from this, if the league and the players can manage to agree before the 2005-06 season begins.

Guess I'll have to go to a Fort Worth Brahmas game to get my hockey fix.

An interesting tidbit

A friend shared this link on one of my parenting boards, and I thought it would be fun to see how compatible J and I are. I'm a Gemini, nad J is on the cusp of Cancer and Leo (so I ran both of his signs, to see what came back). Here's what it said (the things in bold are things I found to be particularly true for J and I):

Cancer and Gemini
When a Cancer child relates to a Gemini parent, it may be a rather curious relationship. They seem so mismatched it's hard to believe they even manage to get along. Gemini is intellectual, led by logic and wit, while Cancer runs on intuition and raw emotion. They constantly test one another's limits; the independent Gemini parent may love their child immensely but sometimes bristles at the constant attention required of their Cancer offspring. The Gemini may often be taken aback by their child's uproarious emotional responses to everything. The Cancer child, in turn, could feel that they and their parent are world's apart, and they can't understand how they could be so different. On the bright side, Cancer can teach Gemini how to slow down and appreciate the beauty of the world around them. At the same time, Gemini can often get through to their child by establishing a shared interest. Troubles may arise if Cancer feels unappreciated or ignored or when Gemini watches Cancer fly off the handle. Both Signs must understand that although they approach life from entirely different directions, it is possible for them to meet happily in the middle. The best aspect of the Gemini-Cancer family relationship is that -- once they realize they're allies -- they can soar to great heights together and make a place for themselves in the world. Gemini is thinking ahead and Cancer is quietly supporting these ideas and giving frank feedback. This family has a lot to learn from one another.

Leo and Gemini
When a Leo child is born to a Gemini parent, the family becomes playful and high-spirited. There is a lot of activity and optimism in this group. Leo has a spirit of creativity that is much admired by Gemini who in turn, enjoys the creative and mental stimulation. Arguments may arise if Leo finds their parent too flighty, perhaps unable to focus on anything for too long. Gemini may wonder where their child comes by their innately bossy nature. They compliment one another well, though. Leo's adventurous spirit wants to experience things firsthand, while Gemini would rather examine something new from several different angles. Together, this family can discover and understand more than they would alone.Both Leo and Gemini have a lot of energy. By working together, they can come up with great ideas and common goals. Leo likes the freedom to jump into projects and give the orders. Gemini wants intellectual freedom and is able to look at all sides of an argument. In spite of their different approaches to life, they make a compatible family unit. The best aspect of the Gemini-Leo family relationship is their youthful, even childlike view of the world. They can truly understand and value each other's input. Together they can discover aspects of life that they would have missed separately. Together, this family will thrive.

Yes, even at 2 1/2, J likes to give orders! LOL "Mama, sit down. Mama, let's go. Mama, reach that." And I can totally relate to the uproarious emotional outbursts. Last night we had a meltdown over not wanting to take pants off for bathtime - he spent a good ten minutes screaming, "No, want pants back on!" *SIGH* It does, it baffles me how he can have such a fit over what seems to be a small and relatively unimportant thing. Dealing with those emotional outbursts are what wears me out the most about parenting (that and the constant repetition of rules when he's pushing to see what his limits are). So I thought the analysis was pretty accurate.

Ow, make it stop.

I think this crud I've been battling for a week has turned into a sinus infection. Either that or I've got a hell of a rotten tooth. All I know is, the right side of my face, right under my eye, hurts like I've been punched and won't stop hurting. And when I blow my nose, the stuff that comes out is day-glo antifreeze green. (The beauty of being a parent - the gross-out factor diminishes considerably after you've been peed on, pooped on and barfed on, and no topic is too disgusting to discuss! LOL) It hurts, it hurts, and nothing stops it. I can't get in to see my doctor until 4:15 Thursday afternoon. That's almost 43 hours away. I hope I can stand it that long. I was prepared to suck it up and let whatever I have run its course, but when there's pain involved, I'm much more inclined to go to the doctor.

I'm watching Judging Amy - don't usually see it, but it just happened to be what the TV was turned to. One story line involved a juvenile who shot his terminally ill grandfather. Turns out his mother (her father is the one who was sick) is the one who gave the boy the key to the gun cabinet and convinced him that his grandfather would be better off dead, that it was for the best. How's that for a royally screwed-up family? Makes mine look positively normal.

I'm going to finish my Wild Turkey and Coke and try to sleep. I hope I can sleep.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Woo hoo. I haven't had a really happy Valentine's Day in I can't remember when. My horoscope said this year's was supposed to be good, but I haven't seen it yet. Oh well, maybe next year. :)

J's latest: Yesterday I was in the kitchen, he was in the living room. I kept hearing this noise, and couldn't tell what it was. I asked J what he was doing. His response? "Spittin'." I went into the living room to find him taking mouthfuls of Crystal Light from his cup and yes, SPITTING them on the carpet. !!!!!!!! That was one of those parental moments where you desperately want to laugh (because it was funny), but know you have to be stern to get the point across that that is not acceptable behavior. I told him we only spit in the sink when we brush our teeth, and most certainly not on the living room carpet. Whatever possessed him to do that, and why do I even try to keep my carpets halfway clean? LOL

And earlier this weekend, K was giving J a bath. J splashed water on K's shirt, and here's the conversation that followed:

J: "Daddy's shirt wet."
K: "Yeah, it's wet because J splashed and got it wet."
J (in all seriousness): "Don't know how that happened."

I'm really concerned that my child is headed for a future in either law or politics. LOLOLOL

I'm tired. Still fighting this crud. Hopefully it will clear off soon, I'm tired of having a stuffy head.

Back to work!

Ancient Chinese wisdom

Today's online fortune cookie:

"A good reputation is more valuable than money."

OK, sure, I'll pass that along to the county tax assessor when he wants to know where my property taxes are. And geez, this one isn't even made any more entertaining by adding "in bed" to the end of it! LOL

That's weird...

My last post shows up when I click the Archives link for February 2005, but doesn't seem to show up in Current Posts. ????

Here's a thought: What do you think it means to value someone's opinion? Can you value someone's opinion and still disagree with it? I think you can. K has said a couple of times lately that I don't value his opinion or don't care about what he thinks in situations where I don't agree with what he's saying or don't do what he'd like to see done. I don't think that means I don't value his opinion - regardless of where our marriage ends up, we'll always be J's parents, and we'll always be friends, and I'll always be glad to hear his opinion if he has one to share. But I think you can value someone's opinion, even solicit it, and not have to agree with them or go along with them. What do y'all think?

Almost time to go home - thank God, I don't think I could sit here much longer.

So tired

What's up with the human alarm clock?! Yesterday J was up at 5:00. He was finally convinced to go back to bed, but still, he was up. This morning I heard him talking starting sometime after 4:00. "There's a fan up there." (Last night he thought the ceiling fan was a ghost. I told him it was just the fan, and he said, "No like the fan." I told him, well, that was too bad, because it was attached to the ceiling and not going anywhere! LOL) "Mama, dropped Percy (one of his Thomas the Tank Engine trains) - Mama, Percy behind bed." (Well, Percy can stay there until daybreak, because I'm not getting up to find him right now.) He'd talk for a bit, then settle down. I'd doze off when he stopped talking and then wake up when I heard him again. Finally, around 5:15 I heard him saying, "Mama, get down - Mama, get down," and I knew if I didn't go see to him, he'd be out of bed before long. So I went and told him it was still dark, it was still time to sleep. He was persuaded to lay back down, but I heard him over the monitor while I was in the bathroom, so I have no idea if he actually went back to sleep. For all I know, he could have been awake non-stop since 4-something this morning.

And I'm tired. I'm not sure if it's the crud I'm fighting off, the allergy/sinus medicine I took (I thought it was the non-drowsy kind, but I'm sure feeling sleepy), the fact that it's getting close to "that" time of the month (which always makes me bone-crushingly tired for a few days), or a combination of all of the above. But I feel like I could just crawl on the floor under my desk and sleep! I've nearly fallen asleep here at my desk a couple of times today - I'd rest my head on my hand, just for a second, and find myself jerking awake a few seconds later. Not good. Whatever's making me tired, I hope it lays off soon.

At least it's almost time to go home. And since I planned ahead yesterday, I've got dinner done - chili, all I have to do is reheat and serve. :)

Domestications

I've been home cleaning and cooking today (I've got a pot of chili cooking on the stove, yum!), and it's given me some time to think. Always dangerous with a head full of snot, but I've done it anyway. My mother stayed home with me - she retired from teaching after my parents adopted me. But I grew up not expecting to stay home. It's the blessing and curse of being "bright", I guess, but it was just understood that I'd go to college and go on to "make something of myself" - my parents never even mentioned or considered the possibility of any other course for me, and I guess I never did, either. I just assumed I'd grow up and have a career.

And I have, such as my career is. I don't know if I've "made anything" of myself, but I'm employed. So today I've been thinking: If I ended up in another serious relationship or another marriage down the road, and I ended up with someone who made enough that I had the option of being a stay-at-home mother and wife, would I enjoy it? Had you asked me that question five years ago, I'd have said, hell, no. And even now, I don't relish the thought of letting myself become *completely* financially dependent on anyone - I'd still want some source of income for myself, and I'd never give up my law license. But now I think perhaps I could enjoy being a stay-at-home mom, given the opportunity to do so. It's been nice at home today, nice to see things get tidy and organized, nice to have time to prepare a meal without worrying that it's 6:30 and my child is hungry and what can I cook in a hurry. Ah well, this is probably all idle speculation anyway, since I'll probably never have the chance to stay home and see if I'd like it or not. But it's still kind of fun to think about.

How to spend a sick day

I called in sick this morning. I still feel fairly crappy. But it's been a productive day off. I took J to school, came home, cranked up the stereo (found some old mix tapes that friends had made for me in college - talk about a blast from the past!), and cleaned. There's still plenty I could do, but the living room is pretty near spotless - toys picked up, vacuumed, dusted, all that good stuff. I've finally gotten the clean laundry that's been piled on the floor put away, AND I even managed to clean out a closet! Not bad for a morning's work. I may take a break now, though - I suppose I really should rest. It just feels good to have one little corner of cleanliness in my house.

Vodka and Vitamin C

I still feel like crap, so I'm loading up on Tang, liberally laced with vodka. Vodka has medicinal properties, right?

Apparently my sense of smell is gone. I didn't think I'd put that much vodka in the Tang, but I'm pretty loopy right now. I should sleep very well tonight! (I keep having to go back and correct spelling errors.)

I'm taking a sick day tomorrow. I'm going to drop J off at school, put some money in the bank to cover my stupid overdrawn account (yep, it happened again, and payday isn't until Tuesday - my salary sucks rocks), come home, clean like crazy in the morning, and nap like crazy in the afternoon. Sounds like a good day to me.

And now, night night.

And another thing...

Went to the dermatologist yesterday for my follow-up, to have my one remaining stitch removed. The nurse looked at my little incision, said it seemed to be healing fine, and took the last little stitch out. Then she put some steri-strips on it to help hold it together and to avoid the need for a big bandage. I was thrilled!!! She said they should stay on three to five days. I've had steri-strips before for surgical incisions, and in the past they've stuck on like crazy - for weeks. Well, I don't know if they used different adhesive for my c-section, but I'll be damned if today I don't have just ONE of those little boogers left. Fume, fuss, fret. So I'm back to gauze and tape. Crap. Oh well, at least it's healing OK, and it doesn't hurt anymore - that's something to be thankful for.

Is it Friday yet? Is it payday yet?! (Don't know why I get excited about that, it's pretty much all spoken for before I even get it. But still....)

Ugh.

I feel like hammered crap. I don't know if it's sinuses, allergies, or just the barking crud, but it's something. All I know is, I can't breathe out of my nose, and I hate it. When I have to breathe through my mouth, it always makes me feel like my IQ has dropped about 20 points. Make it stop!!!!!

I'm too congested to even get into any serious thought. I'll get back to that later.

Sometimes I wonder...

With all the financial mess that keeps coming up, and with K and I seeming to have to work together so much to get out of the mess, maybe this is a sign from the universe that we should just give up on the separation idea and try to work out our differences. I don't know. But the way things keep happening, I can't help wondering.

Finances suck rocks. Money sucks rocks. Being broke sucks rocks. When does it get better?!?!

Do I ask for so much?!

Just when you think life couldn't get to be any more fun. I finished figuring our income taxes. Not only is there no refund, but it looks like we'll OWE money this year (we're still filing jointly at this point). Oh, the irony - we both took out 401(k) money when we changed jobs, because the cash was needed. And now that's bumped us up into another tax bracket, enough to where we owe. Property taxes on the house are due this month - I don't have the money, don't know where it's going to come from. I've filed bankruptcy, no one will extend me any credit. I don't make enough money to pay my freakin' attorney occupation taxes, and my company doesn't cover them (we get a princely $300 for professional dues and expenses, which barely covers my state bar dues, and doesn't touch local bar association dues and these stupid attorney occupation taxes), so they haven't been paid for 2004. That means I'm now suspended from the practice of law in the state of Texas. I'm not in good standing, therefore I can't look for a job that pays more, because no one will hire me if I'm not in good standing.

COULD LIFE POSSIBLY SUCK ANY MORE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

(I'd better not say that too loudly, because it probably could.)

All I want is to make enough to pay my bills, take care of J, save a little for my retirement and his education, and not have to constantly stress and scrimp and save and worry about money. Is that so much to ask? Apparently it is, because I can't seem to get it done. Every year money gets worse and worse. It's to the point now where my credit is a wreck, I have no savings (seven cents at last check), I have no safety net (no 401(k) money to borrow against or draw from), so I'm screwed. I don't know what to do, I don't know how things will ever get better, and I'm beginning to doubt they ever will. I'll have to work forever, they'll carry my cold, dead body away from whatever half-assed job I can get when I'm 85, and I'll die penniless, leaving J nothing to inherit but my debts.

And what am I doing at work today? Processing distribution requests from people with trust funds. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I could scream. They call or fax in requests, wanting money for this or that. "I need, I need, I need, I want, I want, I want." And boo hoo, it's never enough. I want to tell them, shut up, you could have to *work* for a living like the rest of us schlubs.

I'm so stressed out, I can't even eat. Not even chocolate. Now that's bad.

What a weekend.

Friday night I was scared to death at the thought of what could have happened to my baby boy. Today I'm just tired.

I think weekend naps are a thing of the past. The closest we got was today, when J climbed into bed, wanted to read his books, said "night night" - and stayed in bed for about five minutes. I'd gone out to the garage to get something from the car, and suddenly I heard this little voice - "Hey, Mommy!" I said, "Are you going to take a nap?" "No, no nap." *SIGH*

And it's been throwing and going all weekend. No nap, tired cranky boy, insisting on doing everything "by self". My house looks like a tornado hit it, J is learning to drink from a cup and wants to carry one everywhere (thankfully he drinks from his "bitty cup" - the dose cups that come with Children's Motrin, of all things - so the spills aren't huge, just numerous), and yesterday he gleefully pulled off his Pull-Ups, announced, "I have no underpants!" and peed on the carpet. *SIGH* Days/weekends like this, I feel like my life will be chaos forever. I love him dearly, and if anything did happen to him, I'd want to lay down and die. But days like this, he just wears me out.

On the bright side, though, he's learning to say "thank you". And he's even saying "I love you" occasionally. Now that's a day-brightener. :)

I've gotta get some sleep, I'm trying to come down with a bad case of something or other. I've got my follow-up with the dermatologist tomorrow - the nurse can take out that last little bit of stitch, and I can get some reassurance that the incision is healing up OK in the absence of stitches.

To quote my son, it's "night night time."

The scare of a lifetime

I picked J up from daycare this afternoon. They have a basket of candies out on Fridays, and we always get one. This afternoon he got an orange candy. It's round, but he's had them before - we always talk about how we lick them, we don't try to swallow them. He's always done just that, held a little round candy in his hand and licked it, making a sticky mess of himself and everything around him. Not sure why this afternoon was different, but we were driving and suddenly he's not talking, not making a sound, and I realized he was choking on the candy. It seemed like an eternity until I could find a place to pull over, the candy would pop loose and he'd just scream, and then it would get stuck again. I was crying and praying and I couldn't stop fast enough. I ran around to the back seat and was able to stick my finger down J's throat to where he threw up a little and coughed the candy up. I threw it away and hugged him and we both cried. He wanted to get down, so I took him out of the car seat and just held him. I have never been so scared in my life. I was shaking after all of this. I think J recovered before I did, he was asking for his water and his tractor and his duck. Sweet baby boy. I asked him if he was OK, and he said, "Hum" and hugged me. I am so, so, so, so thankful that he's OK, words can't even express, and I think we'll steer clear of round candies for a while.

And all night he's been saying, "Orange candy go away!" I tell him, that's right, no more orange candy. I'm crying just thinking about it.

God, I was so scared.

Friday!!!

So glad it's Friday!!! It's actually been a pretty productive day at work, so I think I'm ending the week on a good note. I don't get a bonus this year, which sucks, as I could really use the cash. But what are ya gonna do about that? *shrug*

J is so smart, he just amazes me. He always likes to go around to the front door when we get home, and the other day I told him we couldn't go in the front door, it was raining and we'd get wet. Last night we pulled into the garage, and he said, "Go in front door, not raining anymore!" He also saw a picture on the cover of a book - the picture was of a woman walking through gates, and J said, "That's mommy - mommy wait - mommy have to wait for daddy." I'm stunned that he's making up stories about pictures at not even three years old. What will I do when he figures out he's smarter than me?!

My leg is doing all right - it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did earlier in the week. I'm still going to keep my follow-up appointment with the dermatologist on Monday, as I think there's a little bit of a stitch left in there. I could pull it out myself, but I reckon it's better left to the medical professionals. Besides, I'd like some reassurance that it's healing up OK.

No big plans for Super Bowl Sunday. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to convince J that football *is* fun to watch, or at least get him interested in the halftime show. Otherwise, it will be business as usual at our house. Not that I much care if I miss it, it's not like I'm a big fan of either team that's playing. But I like a good football game, so I'd watch if J wasn't having a cat over it not being Bob the Builder.

Only an hour until quittin' time, woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!

This sucks.

One of my least favorite things about this job: the complaints. If you screw something up, you get dinged with a complaint. More than 2 a quarter and you're not meeting expectations (which reflects unfavorably on your review). But you're trying to juggle so much, it's almost impossible *not* to get complaints. I understand that if you piss off a client, they're perfectly entitled to call in and bitch about your poor work. But I'm unaccustomed to working in an environment where people are *looking* for screwups and documenting them and pointing them out, and if they don't, their not finding your screwups reflects negatively on *them*. Blech. (Yeah, I got a complaint this morning. Can you tell?!)

Blech.

That's how I feel today. Blech. No specific reason, just a general lack of enthusiasm.

We had some excitement at work yesterday. The fire alarm went off around 4:35, and we all trooped down the seven flights of stairs to the street level. (Thank goodness we weren't in our old building, we were on the 29th floor there!) There were firefighters there and you could smell smoke, and we were all told to go outside. So we herded around for a bit, and a lot of us decided, screw it, it's close enough to 5:00 (it was about 4:45 by this point), we aren't waiting around to go back in. So I at least got to leave a little early out of the deal.

My leg doesn't hurt quite so much today. It seems to be healing up OK, but I may still go to the dermatologist on Monday. I had the appointment scheduled to take the stitches out. That's not entirely necessary anymore, but it looks like there's still a little bit of one stitch in there, and I'm hesitant to just yank it out myself. At any rate, I'm not ready to run a marathon, but it's not quite the misery it has been, so that's progress.

I've got a crapload to do, so I'd better get back to it. More later!