Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Wanting more

This post in The Odd Wife's blog got me to thinking. I don't think K and I have ever had what she describes herself and EH as having. I think K and I were best friends, and at one time that was sufficient. Heck, I still consider K a friend, and I reckon I always will - after all that's happened, I really can't think of anything that could come up that would make me tell him, "I can't stand the sight of you, go away, I don't ever want to see you ever again". But it seems to me that if what we had was anything close to what The Odd Wife describes, then he wouldn't, at some point, have found himself looking elsewhere to find that "sparkle", that thrill of discovery with someone new. It's just unfortunate that it took us ten years and having a child to figure this out, and it's unfortunate that now our child will have to live with the effects of his parents splitting up. But is it wrong to want, to hope for, a love like that? Because I do.


Anonymous said...

I believe that you can have the type of love that OW & EH write about. Getting out of your "no man's land" is crucial to your attracting new men in your life.

Lisa said...

Azalea, you're right about that - gotta get out of where I am now before I can move on. I think that's why I got so agitated when the loan officer said it would take three weeks to process things after all the paperwork was gathered up - I'm SO CLOSE to being able to move on, and I want so much to do so, that it's frustrating to encounter anything that might slow things down, even a little. And I know it's possible for me to find someone, I realize now that I'm deserving of having someone really love me for me. I'm just having one of those pity-party days where it feels like I'll never, ever get there!!!!


Tommy said...

I don't think that you can find love, it finds you. When I stopped trying to find true love it found me, and not where I expected it either. Be very careful out there, if you try too hard then you have a harder fall. Love is patient and kind and since true love is forever, its worth the wait.

Lisa said...

Tommy, you make a good point. When I say "find" someone, I don't mean that in the sense that I'll be out there falling all over myself to get the "right" guy to notice me. I learned my lesson about that a long time ago - in fact, I met K after I'd given up on ever getting married, decided I was just going to be a career woman, and told God if He wanted me to have a man, then the man would pretty much have to just drop into my lap. I went home to take the Louisiana bar, back to the church I grew up in (a small church in a small town, where new people were almost unheard of and new single people even rarer), and voila, there was K! So I'm not about to go back to my college-age habits of falling all over myself over a guy only to get the "but you're such a good friend" speech. When I say "find" someone, I guess I mean more that I now realize I deserve someone who really makes me happy, and I want to get to a point in my life where I'm really free for that to happen (as opposed to the limbo of separation).


Red said...

Oh, sweetie. I want you to know first and foremost that I never write these things wanting ANYONE to feel deprived. Rather, I hope people can find the same feelings I'm lucky enough to have with EH.

You have to remember that it was only a year ago this time that EH DID go 'look for something new' because we grew apart. It was brief and fortunately it was anonymous and where we are now is largely due to many tears, forgiveness, acceptance and a realization that we truly do love each other.

EH's actions had nothing to do with our love. They were based on how he felt about himself (and that's direct from him). His actions briefly made him feel special again in a way I had somehow not been doing.

You can bet he'll never forget how incredible I think he is again.

We've both learned how fragile love is.


Lisa said...

OW, I know that wasn't your intention! :-) I think plenty these days - if it hadn't been your post making me think, it would have been something else.

And I don't really feel deprived, as such - I've got family that loves me and the coolest little boy around, I really am blessed beyond measure. I know I don't *need* a man in my life - I can take care of myself, and it's not like I'm all alone. It's more that it would be nice, eventually, to find someone to share my life with.

As for what's happened between me and K - he went outside the marriage looking for something, and I had no clue that that's what was going on until he said he might, possibly want to move out someday. I just thought, oh, he's got a good friend and spends way more time with her than he does with me, and that pisses me off. I guess all that time he spent with her made me a lot more willing to let go of the marriage, until now I'm at a point where I don't want it back. And that's sad, but who knows - people come into our lives for different reasons, maybe K and I weren't ever meant to be a forever love. But I know there's someone out there who can be that for me, I've just got to be patient.