It's been a good, good weekend. Brian and I have had our reckoning, he knows that what he did was just plain stupid and attributes it to his tendency to go inward when he's feeling insecure. He felt uncertain about where we stood, so instead of talking to me, he put out that personal ad. He said he was glad this happened, because now we know where we are. And it sounds like we're in a very similar spot.
So. We talked. I'd asked him in my really pissed-off e-mail if he prayed about us. This was his response (in his e-mail):
Yes, I DO pray about us--a LOT. And I pray for you and J. And I've had long, agonizing conversations with God about why we found each other when it seems like sometimes we're just not going to happen, and it HURTS.
And today we talked about how the answer to prayer can be "yes", "no", or "not right now". He said that with people he's dated in the past, the answer was a clear "no" - he knew they weren't right for him, for whatever reason. With us, he says he just doesn't have a clear answer yet (and I understand that, because that's how I feel, too - I've debated with myself why I haven't said "I love you" yet) - he says his head can come up with a million and ten reasons why we would be so good for each other, yet his heart doesn't feel like the time is right. And I can understand that, can relate to that feeling. So, we're both seeing the possibilities and seeing that we could easily end up together and be quite happy for the long term, but neither of us is to the point where we feel like the time is right for a commitment to the long term (i.e., don't be counting on me getting a ring for Christmas! LOL). But, we aren't ready to call it quits, that's for sure, and it is just us, no looking, no more ridiculous ads, and if something is on his mind, he's to talk to me about it, ask me about it, and not do something stupid.
He said this evening that he didn't think that two people could really call themselves a couple until they'd worked through some big issue and come through it together. So, I guess we're officially a couple now (we talked about that, too).
And in an interesting turn, as he and I were exchanging e-mails on Thursday, at the same time I got this job listing in my inbox:
Waco firm is seeking an associate attorney. Primarily transactional with a concentration on real estate. Practice areas: Real estate, probate and estate planning, but with a focus on real estate.
Well. Of course I've applied - I like Waco and wouldn't mind going back there for a position I was sure I'd want for the long haul (and I'd consider that, Brian or no - I was very sad when we had to leave Waco due to me finding a new job). So I'll be curious to see what, if anything, comes of that.
All that to say, we know where we stand now, and I think we both feel a lot better, and a lot closer.