Thursday, December 07, 2006

Oh, crap.

My job makes me want to throw up. We're having our 4th quarter reviews by the end of next week. Y'all may remember that my last review went OK, but there was a caveat attached to it, that if some things didn't improve, then I'd likely be out of a job. Well, I just got a complaint - one that is my fault, and one that will stick. I don't know if one will get me into trouble sufficient that I might lose my job, but I'm terrified. I'm trying hard to trust that all will work out. But what if it doesn't? What if my manager says, hey, you tried but not enough, we've got to let you go? I haven't managed to find anything in nearly two years of looking, what in the world will I do if I find myself out of a job? I'm trying not to nut out over this, but it's hard. Seriously, what would I do? I have no savings. I have virtually nothing in my retirement plan. If I were to lose this job, I would be beyond screwed.

I hate this. I hate that this job has ended up this way. It seemed so promising when I started. And I'm not stupid, that's what kills me. It's not that the work is so difficult that I'm not capable of doing it. There's just too much of it most days.



crazycatlady said...

Good luck with your review. I'm sure everything will work out fine. And if not, this job just wasn't meant to be a keeper. Everything happens for a reason, even though many times we can't understand the reason. Good luck! And thank you so much for the kind words about my cat...I'm feeling a little better each day. :)

Kalleigh Hathaway said...

This is exactly the situation I didn't want to find myself in a year or two ago. I knew that I was losing enthusiasm for the job and not doing it so well, but it was a niche position and I never wanted to feel between a rock and a hard place with nowhere else to go. So I chose a new career and trained for it, and planned and saved, and then quit and moved earlier this fall. I figured I'd fall back on temp work or bartending as a last resort. Anyway, it paid off, I was offered a job as an assistant to the person who is doing what I want to be doing, just this week. And offered more money off the bat than I was making before I quit.

Hang in there, but also plan to take the control back! Sometimes we're not aggressive enough about finding work until we have to be!

Lisa said...

Thanks for the encouragement, y'all. I'd already figured out that this job wasn't meant to be a keeper. I just want to keep it until I find something else.

Kalleigh, you pegged it - right now I *do* feel between a rock (sucky job) and a hard place (nowhere else to go, even after several promising interviews - nothing has worked out, for whatever reason). I have zero resources to tide me over if I lose this job - nothing. It scares the shit out of me. So, I'm hoping I can just hang on here until I'm able to leave on my terms.

And how exactly did you take the control back? Most days I feel like I'm doing well to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Kalleigh Hathaway said...

I took the control back by making a Plan A and a Plan B. My parents lent me the money to take the classes I would need for the new career I'd chosen, but then I scraped enough together for bartending classes just in case things didn't work out as I hoped. As you know, the hardest part was giving up primary custody of my son to my ex, but it had a silver lining I never imagined in the ways everyone is thriving in the new situation. I spoke to my boss about my plans and support for the transition, including flex hours, earning overtime/comp time to pay out after quitting, and creative work arrangements after my official departure, such as continuing on a contractual agreement. I sold the house and moved into a smaller apartment in order to have emergency money to draw on during the transition (or at least planned to; the housing market here sucks but fortunately I haven't needed it, but it was part of my plan). I sold my car and bought something cheaper but more reliable and better on gas. And I scrapped all extraneous expenditures, like cable TV and going from three meals a day to two, and switching from Diet Coke to black tea for my caffeine needs. Little stuff, but I felt like I was making a big difference. It almost became a game to see how little money I could spend on certain things.

Most of all I guess I just trusted that the good things would come, spent every night envisioning what my life would look like, what a challenging career would feel like, had mental happy places that focused on nonmaterial things, and began to pull it all around. If I hadn't been unemployed and focusing on every possible opportunity, this job would have slipped by me because of the title, but the description and the people are exactly what I was looking for.

Just try to stay focused on the good and not dwell on the negative what-ifs ... I really believe that the energy you send out brings back what you imagine ... when you worry you subconsciously wish bad things on yourself ... focus on "I am" and "I will" rather than "I hate" and "I wish x wasn't...". I know it sounds ridiculous but it's all part of taking back the control over your own destiny.