Sunday, August 06, 2006

Back to life, back to reality

I had a lovely weekend with Brian, even though it was shorter than I might have hoped - he had to go back yesterday evening. And now the rest of my life comes crashing back in. I don't want to go to work tomorrow (and J has already started with the litany of "I don't want to go to school, I don't like it", so I'm sure when time for school actually arrives, it will be a joy and a delight). I've got stuff to pay and no clue where the money is coming from - daycare, insurance on car and house, miscellaneous bills, gas in my car so I can drive to my sucky job. I feel like I'll never find a job, that my career choices up to this point have doomed me to be stuck where I am. I'm so far removed from prosecuting that I'll likely never get back into that field, even if I want to. (The CPS position has been filled, by the way. I never even got a call. :( Maybe I didn't leave there on good terms like I thought.) I'm looking at the possibility of proofreading jobs, but all seem to want professional experience, which I don't have. I just feel stuck, and right now I can't see a way out. It makes me feel claustrophobic.

I'd like some new clothes - found lots of different things I like in catalogs that I get. But I can't afford any of them. I feel like I dress about two steps above bag lady, and right now I can't afford to do a freakin' thing about it. I hate that, too. If I were to get a new job, how would I afford the upgrade that my wardrobe would likely require?

I just feel STUCK. Trapped. Not quite hopeless, but not far from it. And I hate it. I'm so tired of life feeling gray. I've read books that talk about living life and getting the most out of it, not settling, improving your situation if you don't like it, blah blah blah. Well, that's all fine and good, but me wishing it won't make it so. And it clearly won't happen overnight. So how am I supposed to get past the grays and the blahs in the meantime, I'd like to know?

And why does it feel like everyone else my age has their shit together and I don't? I'm almost freakin' 40. That's old enough that things should be starting to stabilize and be comfortable, not still scrabbling and scratching and crying between paychecks. When do I have a chance not to be so stinkin' stressed about every aspect of my life?

Ugh. I depress myself. I'm going to bed.

2 comments:

Nell said...

I hate to see you so down, I admire you so much and would trade lives with you in a heartbeat. You've just come off an illness, and a job rejection so let yourself be down for a while, you've earned it. You'll see the sun again soon.
Danelle
http://purplestar.typepad.com

Lisa said...

Danelle, if someone would trade lives with me, that makes me think mine must not be so bad. {{{HUGS}}}