Friday, August 25, 2006

Distraught

This morning is off to a horrific start. We totally overslept - woke up at 7:30, which meant we were running late from the get-go. I didn't even take a shower, just tossed on some deodorant and ran. I had to pilfer J's piggy bank to get $8 to put (hopefully) enough gas in my car to get me to work and back home. J didn't want to go with Ms. Shannon at school this morning. I was late getting to work. K called me freaking out over the whole money thing, asking me what we should do. If I had an answer for that, I wouldn't need to freak out. I don't know what we should do, besides pray for a miracle. I know K was wanting to keep me from having to take a second job, but I may have to. Doing what, I don't know - I have no idea what's out there that would pay enough to where I wouldn't have to work four or five nights a week to make it worthwhile. K wants me to talk to my dad, but 1) the thought of that makes me want to throw up because I know it would get ugly, and 2) any money I got from him would be just a stopgap. And I know he's got most of his money tied up in stuff to where there'd be penalties if he took it out, and he's not going to take the penalty hit on my account. I wish I had a relationship with my dad like K does with his parents - they'd give him (and have, in the past, given us) the shirts off their backs if it would help him out. My dad, not so much - he's of the opinion that I'm a grown woman now and can support myself and live within my means, with no help from him, thankyouverymuch. I'd rather take a second job than ask my dad for money. Seriously.

Then I get to work (late - not by much, but still), and shit is hitting me from every direction. I have a voice mail and TWO e-mails reminding me that I have account reviews due today - reviews that I'm covering for someone else and that were just assigned to me about a day or two ago. I KNOW they're due, PLEASE trust me to get them done, huh?! And there are questions on the reviews to be answered that I don't know the answer to, and things that need to be done that I don't freakin' have time to do because they're not my accounts and I don't have enough time to do my own stuff, and I just can't stand it.

And I pray, and I'm trying to keep the faith, but things keep getting worse instead of better, even when you think there's no more "worse" to be had. WHEN DO THINGS GET BETTER?! When do I freakin' get some GOOD news?

Today is one of those days when you can sort of see why sometimes people reach the end of their ability to cope and just drive into a bridge abutment or something. I read a quote somewhere to the effect that suicide happens when the level of pain outweighs the ability to cope with that pain - that's not the exact wording, but that was the gist of it. Good thing my pain tolerance is somewhere near astronomical, isn't it?

Tuesday the 29th better be a humdinger of a good day - I am beyond overdue for something GOOD to happen.

3 comments:

A Mother's Serenity said...

I tried to email you, but it wont go thru. Could I get you to email me with your mailing address? I just need it....

Minty Fresh Mama said...

It will get better Lisa -- hang in there! Carrie from KIT

Lisa said...

Holly, I'll e-mail you when I'm home.

Hey Carrie! Thanks for the encouragement - it helps, and when I finally *do* have good news to share, y'all can celebrate with me (because you know I will be 14 kinds of happy when that day comes!).