Well...

The day could have ended a little better. Got to school this afternoon, the picture people were still there, but today they couldn't FIND J's pictures. AARGH. So they're supposed to keep looking and call the school to let them know. Nice, but when the hell exactly do I get to SEE the pictures?! Sheesh.

Still, all things considered, it was a good day.

Today's horoscope:

No matter how tempting it might be to make one last, strong push toward the finish line, try not to force things any further today. You're right where you need to be right now, no matter how impatient you may be to get to the next level. Not everyone is on the same timetable as you, and you need to be mindful of that fact. Wait for your partners to catch up to where you are. Once everyone is ready to take the next step together, the path will be clear and easy.

Dang it, what if I want the path to be clear and easy NOW?! I don't like where I am, even if it is right where I need to be (and if it is, I can't for the life of me figure out why). *SIGH*

The good day, part deux

The good-day trend has continued. It's been insanely busy, because I've been doing account reviews for people who are out and for accounts that haven't been reassigned to our new team member yet, but it's all good. I don't mind doing account reviews, because I totally kick ass at them and it's as close to fun as work comes to do something I'm quite good at, and I don't mind covering for other people, because then I get brownie points with my manager for helping out. All the work certainly has made the day fly by!

And tomorrow I get to take 1/2 day off! And it's a Brian weekend! So, life is pretty darned good at the moment. Not flush with cash, but good.

It's a good day!

At the risk of jinxing myself, I'll say that today has been quite good so far. J and I both got a good night's sleep. I had time this morning to fix J's lunch for his school picnic (they're going to the park today) and to put on a load of laundry, and we still left early. Drop-off was fantastic - J whined before we got there, but once we got there, he was all excited to carry his lunch box in, and they had Tom and Jerry on TV. He didn't even tell me goodbye, just ran right off. I got to work earlier than usual (I was at my desk at 8:29), and my friend John bought me a chicken biscuit for breakfast.

The rest of the day should go so well!

Now, if I can just get to school in time to look at J's pictures. They had picture day a few weeks ago, and the people were going to be there with the pictures today and yesterday. I left a few minutes early yesterday, but there was a wreck on my way home, so I didn't get to school much earlier - it wasn't yet 6:30, though. As I got out of my car, the picture people were packing up their stuff and walking out. I made a comment, and they said, "Oh, we don't want to inconvenience the people at daycare - we'll be here tomorrow, too." It would have taken all of two minutes for me to look at J's pictures and write a check if I liked them. What about making it convenient for the parents who are going to buy the pictures? Guess that doesn't count so much. If I'd been after 6:30 getting there, I'd have understood. If there had been 15 other parents there who might have also expected to look at their pictures, I'd have understood. But I wasn't late, and I was the only one there at the moment. Would it have killed them to just let me see my pictures? Especially given that I told them I couldn't get there much earlier. If I get there today and they're packing up, I'll be pissed. Really pissed if I don't get to even see J's pictures.

OK, must work - more later!

The official word

Well, I got the neg letter from Brazos River Authority yesterday. Since I'd already had my screaming, yowling fit and pretty much made my peace with it, it wasn't the crushing blow it might otherwise have been. Still a bummer, though. It was a nice neg letter, at least, and I'm going to write a little note back since I know they'll be hiring more attorneys in the future. Thanks for interviewing me, please consider for future openings, very interested in any positions that may come up, blah blah blah. It will cost me what, 39 cents and a few minutes of my time? And you never know, it might help me out in the future. If they end up getting a higher salary range for the position, it may even work to my advantage not to get the job now. We'll see!

And so, the job search continues.

Dear....

Dear jackasses in traffic,

Why, yes, the turn signal I have on means, "I don't really want to get over, please speed up and don't let me in". And as a matter of fact, I really do have that blinker on only for my health. I'm not really trying to get off the freeway at all. I'd much rather sit in the parking lot that is I-35 than get off and take the back roads. Thanks so much for helping me out this morning. Bastards.

Sincerely,
Someone who hates her commute more each day, thanks to morons like you people

Now here's one way to get out of going to bed (or try to, anyway)

Before I forget, a J funny: He clearly wanted to get out of going to bed last night. He told me he felt bad, we needed to go to the doctor. Then he grabbed my hand and put it on his head and said, "See? I have a fever!" (He didn't, and he was fine - he didn't actually feel bad.) I told him that going to the ER is *not* something we aim to have happen, and that the only thing he needed to do was get into bed.

I just love surprises, don't you?

We got an e-mail late this morning about an unexpected conference call with our big, big boss (four levels above our regional manager, my immediate manager) at 1:00 today for an "important update". The update: The manager three levels above our regional manager is taking another position internally, effective immediately. While this doesn't affect us directly on a daily basis (after all, the guy wasn't here every day or even every week that I know of), it does make us wonder - this is the second higher-level manager to leave this particular part of the company within the space of about three months. What does it say when management is all jumping ship? We're not so much concerned with the survival of the company - I don't think it's exaggerating to describe the company I work for as massive, and it would take a LOT to sink this particular ship. I mean, there are no doubt more levels of management between our big, big boss and the CEO of the company. But the little chunk of the company that I work for? It could probably be shut down or the workforce drastically cut without too much difficulty, I'd think, and that's what we're all thinking is headed our way. When managers keep leaving, it makes me wonder if they know something we don't about the direction of our future.

A mess

Today has just sucked. I went to return the Bluetooth headset that I got on Friday - I don't like it, don't feel comfortable wearing it, I'll just use the freebie handsfree that connects to the phone with a wire. I'd bought it at the T-Mobile store in Addison - went to the T-Mobile store in Mansfield today, because it's closer to home (I just happened to be close to Addison on Friday for the company picnic), and I was thoroughly pissed to find out that I had to return it to the store where I bought it. Great, so who knows when I'll be up that way next. I guess I can go this coming weekend since J will be with K, but driving nearly an hour there and an hour back isn't how I'd hoped to spend my limited time with Brian. So that irritated (irritates) me. Then of course I'd promised J a trip to Target if he was a good boy, thinking I'd have an extra $100 in my pocket. He was spectacularly good, so I had to make good on my promise - minus the $100. It was a much shorter shopping trip than I'd planned.

Missed getting to chat with Brian yesterday and today. I'm debating whether he needs to hear that if I'm important to him, he needs to act like it. He knows I'm down about not getting the job, and today when he knew I was out (I had time to send him one message as J and I were fixing to head out the door), he didn't even e-mail me. Granted, he was up at his office doing homework (since he has no computer at home) and setting stuff up for some work programs he has this week. But still - we'd missed each other on chat yesterday while he was up there, he'd said we'd try to chat today, we missed it today, and no e-mail? I think perhaps I need to kick him in the butt just a little. If I'm important to him, he should make the effort. (After feeling like I was taken totally for granted by K for so very long, that is one thing up with which I will not put.) I don't want to be bitchy, but neither do I want to be the last thing on the list of priorities. I know we aren't "serious" serious, but I also know that neither of us is seeing anyone else at the moment. So, I figure I should be just a little important.

And it feels like everything just makes me want to jump out of my skin. I adore J, I'd lay down my life for him, but sometimes he drives me absolutely bananas. There's a complete lack of respect for personal space - he follows me into the bathroom, into the shower (he doesn't get in, but he'll stand outside the door and carry on a conversation with me), he shoves things in my face (food, drink, etc.) when I've asked him repeatedly to stop. It feels like nothing is mine anymore, except the little bit of free time I get. He sleeps in my bed (and we wake up with wet sheets almost every morning, no matter how little we drink before bedtime, which means washing sheets every day and pee sometimes missing the waterproof pad and getting on my nice pillowtop mattress), so I don't get to sleep by myself, can't go in my bathroom and mill around after he's asleep (i.e., no nice relaxing bath), can't curl up in my bed and read a good book. I haven't practiced the piano in I don't know when, because every time I try, J wants to come play with me or tells me to stop. Nice that he's interested in music, but I can't get him to respect that sometimes I like to play by myself. Music is something that's very important to me, and I miss it. And does anyone else's child want them to watch the same little chunk of a video that they've seen 500 times, to the point that your child will come find you when a certain part is coming up and insist that you "come see!"? Or is it just mine?

Then I feel bad for feeling vexed, and I wonder if it's my fault he's doing some of these things. Is he seeking extra attention because K isn't here, am I not firm enough or consistent enough with boundaries, is there something else I'm doing wrong that I've never even considered.

And then there's work. Which sucks.

I could cry. Perhaps I need medication. Of course, the bad thing with that is, I understand that most of them wreck your sex drive (with the exception of Wellbutrin, which I've already tried - it helped for a while, and then not so much). Not like I have much of a sex life, but I've also never had much of a sex drive, and I don't want to destroy what little I have just on the off chance that it might come in handy sometime. That really would be depressing.

OK, time to go wrangle the monkey boy into bed. Here's hoping it won't be a two-hour-long bedtime - I don't think I'm up for that tonight.

Another day

I'm not crying anymore, although I still feel like I've been beaten with large sticks. I must have been tired - I laid down with J last night about 9:45, 10:00, and we both slept until after 7:00 this morning. I left lights on, left the computer on, and slept straight through. That's the first night I haven't been rudely awakened by a little boy's pummelling feet in a while. So I may be seriously down, but at least I'm well rested for once.

Logically I know there's got to be a better job out there. I just have to buck up and keep looking.

Today's agenda is pretty low-key. J and I are about to go run a few errands here in a little bit. I'm going to do a little laundry. If I get really motivated, I'll do a lot of laundry and clean some, too - I'm sure having a cleaner living space would improve my mental outlook. I'd thought about trying to get a load of stuff to drop off at Half Price Books for a little extra cash, but a trip there would likely mean J would find 42 different things he wanted, and I'm not sure that's a battle I'm willing to fight today. So Half Price may have to wait until I'm by myself.

On the bright side, I did get a new cell phone yesterday. Nice to have one that will actually ring when I get a call. I also went ahead and got the Bluetooth headset - I spend enough time in the car and doing other things around the house while I'm on the phone that it will be nice to have the wireless headset and not actually have to pick the phone up. It was more money than I planned to spend, but I can't go until I get the maximum discount (in October 2007) with a phone that only lights up when I get a call.

And Brian is coming up next weekend, so that's something to look forward to.

Now, if I can only figure out a way to somehow improve my attitude about work....

Trying to understand

I was able to hold it together until I got most of the way home, and then I just lost it. I've been a sobbing, screaming mess ever since. I mean, if I wasn't going to get it, why did I even get an interview? If I wasn't going to get it, I didn't WANT an interview, specifically so I wouldn't get my hopes up. Because let's face it, when you have an interview for a job you really want, it's hard *not* to get your hopes up and let yourself think just a little about the "what ifs" if you get the job. Why would my prayer be answered in the way that causes the maximum amount of pain - to get an interview and then be slammed? Why, why, WHY?! I don't understand it. What lesson am I supposed to take from this - that life sucks? Well, I knew that already, now didn't I? What am I supposed to gain from my suck-ass job where I feel like I'm on the verge of being fired just any time now? Am I just supposed to get that I'm still the butt of a giant cosmic joke?

And I wonder, too - Brian interviewed for a job here, didn't get it. I've interviewed for one there, didn't get it. Am I supposed to take from all of this that he and I aren't meant to ever end up in the same place? Seems a bit unfair to have that happen and never have the chance to really see where things might go, doesn't it? Oh, but life's not fair - we've already covered that.

I'd like to crawl in a hole and just not come out, but I've got to go get J. Gotta compose myself first. I'm sure I already look like a blowfish from all the crying.

And I like the idea of comfort food, but the actuality of food doesn't sound appealing in the least. So, if I'm too upset to eat, you know I'm in a bad state.

Well, isn't that just a kick in the pants.

Looks like no new job for me. I called yesterday to touch base, see where the process stood - got voice mail, left a message. I had to pick up a lot of mail this morning, and I halfway figured there'd be a neg letter in there since I hadn't heard anything. There wasn't, so I was just the tiniest bit optimistic. Then I checked the Brazos River Authority website, and the staff counsel position was no longer listed.

Before anyone tells me that maybe the position had to be taken down after a certain time period, or maybe there's still hope, not to get too discouraged until I get official word, let me just say that the position was listed up until yesterday. I know there were a lot of applicants, so I doubt seriously that the position wasn't filled and they're just taking it down before relisting it. And I may never get official notice - so often these days, the only way you realize you weren't selected for a job is that you never hear anything from the employer. Tacky, sure. Would it be more professional to send rejection letters to all applicants to let them know? Absolutely. But it seems to be more and more the way of things that you're just left to your own devices to figure out that you weren't chosen for the job. So, I'm trying to accept the fact that the job isn't meant to be mine and move on. It's less painful that way than to keep holding out hope waiting for some official notice that may never come.

And why, why, why is nothing working out?! What in the world could be the reason that I'm stuck here at this Godforsaken job that keeps getting worse every time I turn around? How can it be part of the divine plan for me to be so miserable every time I come to work that I want to cry? How can it be part of the divine plan that I can barely stretch my resources to meet my obligations? How can it be part of the divine plan that my work stresses me out so much that that stress bleeds over into my home life and affects how I interact with J? Does anyone see anything GOOD in that?! I don't. I'm trying to get back into my spiritual life, trying to find a church, trying to get back into having a prayer life and a devotional time, really trying to seek God's will for my life. Things like this make it very hard to keep the faith that I'm trying to rebuild.

We have our company picnic today. Guess I've got to go put on a happy face until I'm done with that. Sucks, because what I'd really like to do is just go home and cry.

Waiting

I called the Brazos River Authority to see where the decision process stands on the staff counsel position. Got voice mail. Now I wait some more. I hate waiting. I'm really not very good at it. Hopefully my call will at least prompt a response. If not, I'll call back.

Have I mentioned I hate waiting?

And my job. AAAAARGH. I am so very tired of everything being a crisis, all the people who need this yesterday and where's what I requested two days ago and why haven't these forty-seven things been accomplished yet and oh, by the way, here's something new to do that's retroactive back to the dawn of time. My whole job is crisis management, and I hate that. Hate, hate, hate. It depresses me just to be here. Perhaps I should go back on the Wellbutrin.

I'm such a little downer most days, it sometimes makes me wonder why people read this!

A bit more info

I talked to my friend this evening. What they think her grandson has is neurofibromatosis - so it's not necessarily life-threatening, but can be. She said she's hoping for the better prognosis, although the doctors have ordered an MRI and talk like they already think it's the more serious version (there are two forms, from what I've read, NF1 and NF2). She said she'll remain optimistic until she has reason not to be. I can't even imagine. Life-threatening or no, I'd be scared spitless.

Sadness

I just found out that a friend's five-year-old grandson may have some form of cancer. I'm not sure of the specifics - I got this second-hand from a mutual friend. I'm going to have to call her and find out. But whatever it is, it's my understanding that it could be in one of three stages, one being the best alternative and three being the worst. I don't know if it progresses from one stage to another or what the prognosis is. All I know is that her grandson (his name is Andrew) is going for an MRI here before too long, and that what happens next depends on what the MRI shows. My friend has pretty much raised him - her daughter (Andrew's mother) isn't around a whole lot and isn't a real involved parent when she is. I'll update as I know more.

Makes me want to go home and hug the little monkey boy, that's for sure.

Just...AAAARGH

Why do clients all think they're the only person in the whole wide world that we should concern ourselves with? I just talked to a lady who was upset because she'd called "all day yesterday" (never mind that we have a 24-hour period to return calls) and I just called her today. I didn't call first thing this morning because I had an offsite meeting (which now has me doing lots of stuff I shouldn't need to be doing, because it's not my account). I'm crazed constantly, and always worried about what I'm forgetting (it's not a question of whether something is going undone, it's a question of how much is going undone and what will jump up and bite me in the butt first), and I'm sick of it. This can't be the best opportunity there is.

And because of said offsite meeting, I had to miss going to lunch with one of my friends. A big group went, and I'm missing it. Pout. On the bright side, though, they are bringing back lemon scallops for me. Which is good, since I forgot to grab lunch out of the fridge today.

Come on, good news. From Waco, from Dallas, from SOMEWHERE.

Busier than a one-legged man...

in an ass-kickin' contest, that's me. Today has been non-stop. I'd be willing to bet that people who call and complain that we don't do things quickly enough have absolutely no idea how much we really do and would probably be quite surprised to learn that we are our own assistants, secretaries, file clerks and everything else. I called my friend Marta at work today, got her voice mail - her message said you could call her assistant for immediate assistance. She has an assistant - I'm jealous.

One of the bad things about this job is that there's never any down time. Ever. Most jobs, the work comes in cycles - you're busy for a while, it settles down, you get busy again, it settles down again. Accountants are swamped from January through April for tax season, not so much so the rest of the year. At my previous job, we got really busy around tax season and then before the end of the Council year (for insurance agents) in June. Outside of those times, we'd have the occasional crush of work and then some not-so-busy times. Here, there's no ebb and flow in the workload - it's busy ALL the time. And that's very draining. In fact, I think it's getting busier as time passes. With perhaps the exception of the week between Christmas and New Year's, you can't ever come into the office thinking, "Hey, I'll bet today will be a pretty quiet day." I don't like that.

And today it has definitely been non-stop. I just got a message that a client had called. Same client e-mailed me after lunch, maybe two hours ago. I'm thinking, will you please give me time to get back in touch with you?! What part of "you aren't the only client I have" do people not understand?

Back to the grind - let's see how much I can get done in another hour and 15 minutes.

Ups and downs

Well, life has its ups and downs. Since it's Monday, let's start with the downs first.

~I overslept this morning. Always a fun start to the day.

~Baylor lost this weekend, making us 1-2 on the season. Our defense is doing pretty well. If we could just stop making stupid penalties and our offense could start producing, we might have a halfway decent season. Keep in mind that a halfway decent season for Baylor this year means 5 wins, since the most we've managed to win in, oh, the past decade or so has been 4. But if we can beat either A&M or UT, then the year will not be a total loss regardless of how many games we win. The way A&M is playing, don't laugh too hard - it's not out of the realm of possibility.

~Work. 'Nuff said.

~My cell phone has quit ringing when someone calls. It won't vibrate when I get a call, either. The only way I know the phone is ringing is if I happen to see it light up. Otherwise, I miss all my calls and don't find out until I look at my phone. Very annoying. I'm thinking this probably means a new phone, which is money I wasn't planning to spend. (I read some reviews, and apparently this isn't a problem limited to my phone. Wonder if T-Mobile will replace it?)

Now for the ups.

~J's leg is greatly improved! He came home yesterday and the swelling was gone. The redness is now more yellow, like an old bruise, and the blisters are healing up nicely. He still scratches it occasionally, but it's a half-hearted effort, and I don't think it itches very much. Someone suggested that perhaps it was a latex allergy and he was reacting to the gloves the nurse wore. But 1) don't a lot of medical professionals now use the non-latex gloves for that very reason, and 2) he's had shots and exposure to doctors and nurses before - wouldn't that have happened by now if it were going to happen? All I know for sure is, his leg looks a lot better and I'm glad. Sucks that we don't know for sure what caused the reaction, as that might pose problems with future vaccinations. But we'll jump off that bridge if we get to it.

~Drop-off at school was wonderful this morning! I'd hoped his class would already be upstairs since we were running late, but they were still in the TV room. His teacher was in there, though, and she told J they were just about ready to go to class, and he went on without a fuss. That just about made up for oversleeping.

~Hockey! The Stars play their first preseason game against Atlanta tonight, and for the first time in who knows when, we have a thug. Or at least as close as we've been to it for a while. Bring on the penalty minutes!

Back to work. Only four hours left.

A dreary Sunday

I'm in a funk. Have been for most of the weekend. I'm not really sure why, although I think it's a combination of several things. I'm feeling down about the Waco job, feeling less than positive about my chances. I have no concrete reason to feel this way, I just do. That bums me out first, because I'm desperate to get out of where I am now and the Waco job sounds like a very Lisa kind of job, and second, because it makes me wonder if Brian and I are never meant to end up in the same place. And if that's the case, well, there wouldn't seem to be the possibility of much future if you always live far apart. I know he and I aren't considering anything serious right now, but I do like him. And it would be nice to at least have a real chance to see where things end up. I didn't look to find jobs in Waco, didn't expect to ever find anything in Waco, which is why it seemed like such a providential surprise when I did. But if it doesn't work out, it will make me wonder if that's a big sign that Brian and I just aren't meant to be. And the thought of that possibility makes me very sad indeed.

I'm also really down about having to go back to work tomorrow. I think there's enough said right there.

I'm making a batch of Chocolate Stuff and I've got a stew cooking in the crockpot. Maybe cooking and chocolate will improve my mood a little.

At least it's raining today. Lord knows we need it.

Anomalies R Us

K took J to see his pediatrician. She said this is the first time in 20 years she's seen a child have an allergic reaction like this to these vaccines. Yep, it's an allergic reaction. There's a medication she could have given J to counteract the reaction, but she said it would also counteract the effect of the vaccines. It's not causing him any other problems - no fever, no problems breathing, nothing other than a big puffy red blotch and blisters and a little itching - so we didn't go that route. She said just to let it run its course, Benadryl if needed, and that more blisters might show up before all was said and done. I've talked to K, and J said it only itched a little bit, so I guess the worst thing about it is the way it looks. My poor sweet baby, to be the lucky (???) child to have a reaction the doc has never seen during her practice. I'm just glad it's nothing more serious, and that it's not bothering him a tremendous amount.

I'm at work. Whoopee. I've gotten one phone call. Hopefully that will be all I get this evening.

And just in case I haven't mentioned it....

I. HATE. MY. JOB. I'm so tired of the complaint process, so tired of feeling like it all comes back on me no matter whose mistake it is. This particular problem has come up before, and I've asked repeatedly to have it addressed. Talked to the client about it, thought it WAS addressed. This time, BLAM, here it is again. And look, another complaint for me. I'm so sick of this I really could just throw up.

Yeah, I. HATE. MY. JOB.

At least it's Friday, and there's booze waiting at home.

The nature of friendship

OK, this chaps me. Long story short, J's issues with his leg appear to be getting worse - after last night's ER visit where we saw his pediatrician, today the redness was a bit less, but he'd started getting more blisters. I called the doctor and she seemed a bit concerned about the blisters and the fact that the area seemed to be itchy (daycare called and said J was scratching/picking at it) - she said it might be an allergic reaction after all, and that she could see J at 3:00 this afternoon (it being Friday, a doctor visit at 3:00 on a Friday afternoon is much preferable to an ER visit at 3:00 on a Saturday morning). It's my late night at work, and we're already short one for the late shift, so taking off would be really difficult for me. I called K and asked if he could take J. He balked a little at first, and I said I'd see if someone could cover for me and let him know.

Well, I work in a cube farm. A co-worker overheard the conversation and started in telling me how K needed to step up and handle that, I shouldn't have to justify to him why I couldn't do it, he needed to just take the time off without pay (he's running low on annual leave right now) and go take care of it. WTF?! I'm sure that in some way she meant well, but damn, did I ask for that opinion from you? (And she has no clue what K's finances are or what mine are, who the hell does she think she is, saying he should just take the time off without pay?!) I really appreciate her tenacity and advice when it comes to work stuff, and I do consider her a friend as well as a co-worker, but please, no butting into my personal life unless I ask for advice, OK? For one, I WANT to go today - I'd much prefer to be the one to take J to the doctor, because I know K doesn't like going alone and also because I think I'm just better at handling doctor visits. For two, how I handle my personal life is no one's business but mine. For three, she has kids, she should understand how it feels for your child to be sick and to be the one who wants to be there. I made the offhand comment to the effect that "gee, why do guys have a harder time handling stuff like this than women" and she snappily replied that her husband takes their kids to the doctor and does just fine. Well, yippee-de-skip for you, then. Do I give a shit about that when it's MY kid that's having a problem? It's not even that I have concerns about K handling the appointment - he'll be fine, he'll let me know what was said and what's going on, and I know he'll call me if it's anything truly serious. The main point is, it's my personal life and if I can arrange it to where I can get off work and I want to do it, who the hell is my co-worker to start spouting off to me about how K should handle things? Totally none of her business.

And just so you know, K redeemed himself admirably from his intial response. He called back before I even had a chance to ask anyone to cover for me, and he said he'd handle the appointment this afternoon. He also apologized for freaking out at first. So he's very much on the good list right now. :-) I pointed that out to my outspoken co-worker and strangely, she had no comment.

Her jumping into my business unsolicited got me thinking about the nature of friendship. What do you consider a friend's role in your life to be? I have another friend who told me once that she felt it was her role as a friend to poke holes in things, point out downsides or errors in thinking if there were a decision to be made, to help me make the right choice. That didn't sit well with me. I don't want my friends to poke holes in every idea I have. The idea in question was medical transcription, when I was thinking about getting certified to do that and possibly do it from home. She kept pointing out every single downside, every single possible negative thing about it (all of which I had already thought about myself). I wasn't fixing to quit my day job and rely on transcription as my sole support. I was just thinking about getting the certificate and excited about the possibilities *if* I decided to do that. It really brought me down that she couldn't just say, hey, if it works out, that might be great for you - get the certificate and see what happens. Or something along those lines. Instead of sharing just a little of my excitement, she found reasons why I'd be miserable working from home, pointed out everything I'd lose by not having a full-time job with an employer, and told me all the reasons she could think of why it wouldn't work. Is that what a friend does?

My co-worker's comments today prompted this train of thought. I do consider her a friend, but she felt free to offer an opinion on a conversation that was as private as I could make it in the cube farm. I wasn't talking to her. I wasn't complaining about K's response. I wasn't asking for her thoughts. But she certainly felt free to give them to me. I don't like that. If a friend asks me for an opinion, I'll give it to them, and if it's one I know they won't like, I'll try to put it as gently as I can. But unless I see them taking a path that's going to cause them serious harm or is something illegal or immoral, I'm not going to offer unsolicited advice, and if I did offer unsolicited advice, I certainly wouldn't be rude about it. Yeah, sometimes situations call for tough love, but I didn't think this was one of them. It just really struck me the wrong way.

If someone is my friend, I'd hope they'd support me in my harebrained schemes, even if they thought those schemes were destined to flop, and commiserate with me when I'm down. If I'm doing something colossally stupid, I'd want them to point out the flaws in my thinking, but I don't want a friend shooting down every idea I have and pointing out every negative before the idea even gets off the ground. If I want someone to play devil's advocate for me, I'll ask - but don't assume that's what I want and start beating me about the head and shoulders with the cons to my pros.

Am I wrong in my thinking?

I'm just in a mood today. I don't want to be here until 7:00. Today of all days, I must have cookies.

Oh, what a night

Last night, I saw that the coffee-cup sized blotch on J's leg (where he'd gotten his shots) had gotten bigger. It now covered most of his upper thigh, and nearly wrapped around to the back of his leg on one side. The outer edges were dark red, the inside was lighter red, with a light purplish band in the middle. It looked so much worse that it kind of freaked me out, and I decided a trip to the ER was in order. K met us there, and we checked in, saw the triage nurse, and waited. As we were waiting, J's pediatrician came by (she was there for something else). She saw us and stopped to ask why we were there. So she looked at J's leg and said it was nothing to worry about - just what the nurse said about him fighting the shot and some of the vaccine going into fatty tissue. So I got my $50 check back and we went home! J was wound up six ways to Sunday, and didn't settle down until after 11:30.

And I guess I was tired, because I fell asleep with him and didn't wake up until after my alarm went off this morning. I left lights on, left the computer on - just sacked out.

Now it's time to get ready for another fun and exciting day at the office - woo. It's my late night, so I'll be there until 7:00. Whoopee.

Vaccination update

I called J's pediatrician this morning and spoke to the nurse. She said the big red welt isn't unexpected since he fought the shots like a wild thing - she said that when that happens, the vaccine can go into a fatty pocket rather than right into muscle. She recommended massage and a warm compress to help that go down. The blisters were a puzzle to her, though. J got the DTaP, MMR and polio vaccines, not chicken pox, so we're not sure where the blisters came from. At any rate, we're going in tomorrow for the Hep A vaccine, so the doc can take a look at it then.

The blisters are gone, anyway - I think J must have popped them while he was squirming in his sleep.

Hmm, what happens if I do *this*?

Can't believe I forgot to write about J's experiments with physics.

A few days ago he discovered that it made a really cool noise if he stuck his lip into the neck of a plastic juice bottle, formed a vacuum, and then pulled his lip out. He did this over and over and over again, until the noise made me nuts and I told him to knock it off. I didn't notice until a bit later that, in addition to making his mama crazy, J had managed to give himself a pretty fine purple hickey under his bottom lip by doing that. D'oh. I'm sure the teachers saw him at school the next day and wondered where exactly he'd been putting his face.

Perhaps I've missed my calling....

I found this story in the Phantom Professor's blog:

September 10, 2006
Outsourcing Homework
At $9.95 a Page, You Expected Poetry?
By CHARLES McGRATH

THE Web site for an outfit called Term Paper Relief features a picture of a young college student chewing her lip.

“Damn!” a little comic-strip balloon says. “I’ll have to cancel my Saturday night date to finish my term paper before the Monday deadline.”

Well, no, she won’t — not if she’s enterprising enough to enlist Term Paper Relief to write it for her. For $9.95 a page she can obtain an “A-grade” paper that is fashioned to order and “completely non-plagiarized.” This last detail is important. Thanks to search engines like Google, college instructors have become adept at spotting those shop-worn, downloadable papers that circulate freely on the Web, and can even finger passages that have been ripped off from standard texts and reference works.

A grade-conscious student these days seems to need a custom job, and to judge from the number of services on the Internet, there must be virtual mills somewhere employing armies of diligent scholars who grind away so that credit-card-equipped undergrads can enjoy more carefree time together.

The rest of the story

For $9.95 a page, I could probably make quite a bit of extra cash cranking out term papers, and it sounds like I could certainly do a better job than this lot.

A nice surprise

No, not for me. My friend John, who works with me, was telling me today about a surprise he was planning for his wife this evening. It wasn't a big elaborate surprise, he was just getting her flowers and taking her out to dinner for the 38th anniversary of the first time they met. I thought that was just the sweetest thing. I mean, how many guys are there out there that can't remember big things like wedding anniversaries or birthdays (not all guys, I realize I am making a broad generalization here), and he's surprising her on the date they first met 38 years ago?! Very cool.

I generally don't consider myself high-maintenance at all (if you asked K, he'd probably concur). But it would be nice to find a guy who thinks of things like that from time to time. Not necessarily the anniversary of the first time we met, but who just thinks to surprise me on occasion, not for some big-deal anniversary or holiday or birthday, but just because I'd like it and he'd like seeing that it made me happy. *SIGH* Perhaps I expect too much, but hey, I'm in no big hurry to rush into a relationship anyway. I can afford to be patient and be selective.

And talking about that.... It's kind of funny, K and I talked when he first moved out and when the divorce had been filed, and he swore up and down that he was going to be commitment-phobic, that he was just going to play the field and not even think about being in any kind of serious relationship for a good long time. OK, fine. Well, now that he's had a relationship for a bit (one which ended rather badly, unfortunately), he's said he realizes that being alone sucks. Funny how the two of us can think so differently on that. Yes, Brian and I have been going out for a while (geez, getting close to a year now?!), but in spite of the fact that neither of us is seeing anyone else, neither of us view what we have as anything "serious" at this point, either (it's hard to think of a relationship as serious when you're seeing each other every couple of weeks at most - hard to really have an idea of where things might go when you're really still trying to be on your best behavior every time you see each other). Sure, I'd be sad (OK, very sad - OK, OK, I'd eat great gobs of chocolate and cry a whole lot) if we stopped seeing each other, but I think I'm better able to handle being alone than K is. If I were to stop seeing Brian, I don't think I'd feel compelled to try to find someone else in any kind of big hurry. I don't know why K and I are apparently wired so differently in this regard - do I like my own company better than he likes his? I don't know. Maybe it's just that he has more alone time than I do, so has more chance to realize it sucks. Maybe if I were alone more often (for example, if K and I shared custody and each had J with us for a week at a time), I'd figure out that being alone sucks. Or maybe I'm just OK with solitude. It just goes to show that the universe has a sense of humor, with Mr. Commitment-Phobic now not wanting to be alone. And I'm not saying any of this in a mean-spirited way - K and I are friends, and I'm sorry that he's not happy. That's all I want for him, is to be happy. So, hopefully he can find someone who can help him to be happy.

I think I'm rambling. Perhaps I should stop typing now, go roll my sleeping child off my side of the bed and onto his, and get some sleep.

Normal, or not so much?

J had shots at his checkup yesterday, right? Last night the spot where he got the shots was a little red, a little swollen - not a big deal, I figured three shots might have that effect. I didn't notice anything this morning (OK, bad mom, I didn't even think to look), but tonight when we were getting ready for bed I noticed that the area is now a red, raised welt about the size of a coffee cup (!!!), with a couple of smallish blisters (the largest is about the size of a pencil eraser). I know he had the DTaP and MMR vaccines, and I think the third may have been chicken pox (that or polio - again, take my good parent card away, I forgot to note exactly which shots he got - that's why the doctor's office keeps records, right?). I do plan to call his pediatrician tomorrow and ask if I should be concerned. From what I've read, and given the fact that he isn't acting at all sick in any other way (no fever, no unusual increase in sleep - I read that and thought, oh, I can only wish he'd ever sleep a little bit extra for any given reason! - no change in eating habits, no unusual irritability), I think that at least the redness and swelling may be a normal reaction to one of the vaccines. The only thing I've read that concerns me is that, if it's chicken pox, anyone who reacts to the vaccine by breaking out with blisters should stay away from people who may be vulnerable to the virus (i.e., kids at daycare, perhaps?) until the blisters crust and heal. !!! OK, no one even mentioned that. I can assume that the other kids in his class have had the vaccine and therefore might not be considered vulnerable to the virus. But if that is in fact what these blisters are, a reaction to the chicken pox vaccine, it would have been nice to have this mentioned to me. He did complain of itching, so I gave him a dose of Benadryl, hoping to keep him from scratching the area.

Hell. That's all I need, another reason to have to ask for time off work. At least K and I have both had chicken pox.

This is what they came up with?!

Apparently there was a lunch with our new big boss, where representatives from each group here met with him - we got an e-mail letting us know what was discussed (not sure how the representatives were selected, because this e-mail that we just got was the first I'd heard of it). Hey, a meeting with the big guy, a chance to air some concerns, right? And they came up with the fact that we need more mentoring between groups and a new TV monitor (we have monitors throughout the department that display pertinent information, not like anyone is watching cable during the work day) for one area of the floor?! And we need more training?! Oh, holy hell. Supposedly the new big boss is concerned about the turnover here. If he's worried about that, training and new TV monitors are not the things he should be hearing about. How about too heavy a workload? How about stuff coming to us that shouldn't, but should be handled elsewhere? How about just considering a cost of living raise for employees and supporting the credentials of the licensed/certified professionals you hire?

I kid you not, I had to pick my jaw up off the floor after reading that one.

Weary to the bone and other assorted musings

Yesterday started off with J's four-year checkup, complete with an anemia test (finger stick), TB test (arm stick), and four shots (three of which we were able to get - gotta go back for the fourth, as they didn't have it in the office yet). All that made for one pissed-off little boy. And I love it when the nurse asks me to hold him still - he's 50.5 pounds and 3 feet, 7 inches tall to my 5'1", and pissed off and strong as an ox to boot. Hold him with what, I ask you?

Anyway, we got that taken care of. He told me in the car, "Mama, those shots hurt me." I said I knew they did, but explained that shots hurt for a little while, but are meant to help keep us well, so that in the long run they're good things. He seemed OK with that, and told me that the shots had stopped hurting by the time we got to school.

Speaking of that - drop-off was fabulous yesterday. That made me so happy! I think I've pinpointed the problem - he wants to go straight up to class like he's used to doing, rather than wait in the TV room. His teacher makes a bus run to take the older children to their schools, and she can't be there when we first get there. The kids can't go to class alone, so they get to wait and watch TV. Now, as nuts as J is about TV, you'd think he'd be all over that - but he isn't, and that's why drop-off has turned into a scene from The Exorcist (minus the barf, that is). Yesterday, since we were late, his class was already in the classroom, reading a story. He went and sat down without even a backward glance at me, and when I left, he was telling his teacher about his shots. Today, when we got there at the regular time? Right back to World War III. So, at least I've identified the cause (I think), but haven't yet figured out how to help J accept that this is our new routine, it is what it is, and we've gotta work with it.

Bedtime last night - ugliness. But he did finally fall asleep in his own bed, after sleeping in my bed for a week or so, and slept there all night. Drop-off today - ugliness.

Work is - well, work. My heart really isn't in it these days. As I was driving in this morning, I sat at a stop light and cried because I so desperately want to be working somewhere else. I'm applying for everything I can find, but haven't gotten any more real leads. No word from Waco yet - I keep telling myself it hasn't even been a week. If I don't get at least a second interview, I will be crushed. But it takes all the strength I have not to run screaming from this place, and it doesn't get better. I'm just tired of working someplace where the work never, ever slacks up, not even for a moment, and where the workload just keeps getting heavier. Do this new project, take that online training sometime in the next three days, cover for these four people who are out, don't forget to make all your callbacks, try to keep all the accounts that are closing here, and oh, by the way, I see you didn't address this issue yet (that's been hanging around for the last three years, but which has suddenly become *your* emergency), can you hop right on that? If I were the only one who felt this way, I'd figure the fault was with me, that there was something about my psyche or my personality that made me unfit for this job. But it's not just me. I've never worked anywhere where so many people are so desperately unhappy and trying so hard to get out. For a company that makes such a big deal about wanting its employees to be happy, doesn't that seem not quite right?

More later, it's almost time for me to go fetch the boy. I think I'll crank up some really loud music on the way home - Nightwish is always good to listen to when I'm in a mood.

Dream

I forgot to post about the dream I had night before last. I seldom remember dreams, which is why this is rather a big deal to me. In my dream, I was driving in the car I currently own (a GMC Jimmy, so a smallish SUV), taking what looked like my route to work (a divided four-lane highway, two lanes on each side). It was raining like mad, to the point that it looked like the road was impassably flooded - not just a little bit, but crazy flooded, like feet of water. I was driving and saw cars up in the distance turning around, or in some cases, getting stranded. At this point, the water was up to my front bumper. I thought I'd turn around and go back. I saw people in cars around me getting mad because others were turning around to go back and stay out of the water, and thought, "Well, that's stupid, I'm not risking flooding my car and getting stuck out here just because turning around might piss someone off." So I turned around.

Then I woke up.

Any dream interpreters out there? I have my own thoughts as to what it might mean, but I thought I'd ask if anyone else did.

Conniption

I had a fit going home this evening. I stayed at work until 5:45, like I'm supposed to. Then I noticed the low fuel light on, so I had to stop for gas (I had almost a quarter of a tank when I got to work this morning, how most of a quarter of a tank can disappear while my car is in the garage is beyond me). That put me behind schedule, and I could only put $10 worth of gas in my car as it was. So I was running late, and if you're five minutes late to daycare, they start charging late fees of a dollar a minute. I was just sobbing, beside myself because I was working late to try to keep my stupid job that I hate, that doesn't pay me enough to put gas in my car, and stopping for gas makes me late to daycare, running up extra fees that I don't make enough money to pay because my stupid job doesn't pay enough, and on and on. I probably cried for a good ten minutes before I was able to catch my breath. No, today just wasn't a good day.

And word has it that a reliable source has confirmed that 60% of the positions where I am now will be moving to the Northeast. No time frame on this, but this is the word I'm hearing. If I *knew* I'd be getting the Waco job in a short time, I think I'd welcome a severance package from my company.

And I thought this was nice....

K called around 6:15 yesterday morning, to make sure I hadn't overslept. I'd set three alarms, so I'd been up for a while, but I appreciated the thought. I told him there weren't many guys who'd call their ex, who was interviewing for a job that would require her to move 90 miles away, to make sure she woke up on time. :-)

Out of my hands

Well, the interview is done. It was a short interview, but I don't think that was any reflection on me personally. The person interviewing after me got there while I was still waiting to be called in (I know that's who she was because she told the woman at the desk she was there for the legal counsel position - I wanted to tell her, go on home, it's my job so you might as well not even bother! Besides, I think I'm nicer than she is - she just looked difficult. LOL). So that tells me they had the interviews scheduled pretty close together, they weren't planning on anything long and drawn out. I interviewed with the general counsel and the other staff attorney, and the general counsel talks about as fast as I do. She and I should get along fine. So, she asked me to tell them about myself, I gave the nutshell rundown of my legal career. I told her I liked Waco, had tried to move there in 1998, but the job fell apart on me. I said that barring some unforeseen circumstance, I wouldn't be looking to move in a year or two or three. She seemed to like that answer, and seemed to be impressed with my work at Texas Farm Bureau. She asked what my greatest expectation was of my future employer, and I said that I'm at a point in my career where I'm looking for a position that provides enough challenge and enough intellectual stimulation that I can make a career of it, that I'm to the point where I'm not interested in changing jobs every three or four or five years. She seemed to like that answer. In the middle of the interview she asked what my favorite movie was. I told her My Cousin Vinny, that I thought anyone who had anything to do with the legal profession should see it. That seems like an odd question, but when I interviewed for the job I had before where I am now, the CEO asked me to tell him a story. So I did. He told me later that the purpose of that question was to see how quickly candidates could think on their feet. I'm thinking the movie question serves a similar purpose. If that's the case, clearly I can think on my feet - I didn't even have to stop to think about the answer. I told her I'd be driving back and forth until I sold my house and was able to move, but that that wasn't a problem, I'd done it before. She asked if I'd move as quickly as possible, and I said I'd be listing my house pretty much as soon as the job was offered to me if it was.

They were having a lot of interviews yesterday, and a lot todat, that they had a ton of applications. Interviews ended today, and then within the next couple of weeks they'll call back two or three or four people for a final interview and to meet the general manager. I think yesterday was just a screening process, I think they're just getting a feel for people and will then call back the ones they're most interested in. She also said their department will be growing, and that as it does, they'll be asking for increases in salary because they want to keep good attorneys. So, now I wait. I like to think I made enough of a good impression to come back for a second interview, but I won't know for a couple of weeks. I've done all I can, though, so it's out of my hands. I hate waiting.

And today I really don't like my job very much. Ugh. I'm feeling overwhelmed, and that's when things start getting away from me. Wish my interview had been on Friday, so I could have gone straight from interview to weekend.

Twisting

I keep praying about this. I prayed that if it wasn't meant to be, that I wouldn't even get a callback. I did. I've prayed that if it's not meant to be, that I won't even get an offer. That remains to be seen. I've also prayed that if it's meant to be - everything, the job, the salary, selling my house, getting a loan for a new house, finding a new house, moving, a new school for J - that any offer I get be such that I KNOW it's the right thing. I don't want an offer where I think, "well, MAYBE I could make that work". I'm tired of trying to make things work (and failing rather spectacularly), and I want out of here so badly that I'm not astute enough to critically analyze a so-so offer and turn it down because it's not quite right. I want my path to be so clear that I can't mistake it.

And right now I'm just about to bounce off the walls. I hope J goes to bed early tonight and wakes up at 5:00 or so, just to be sure I don't oversleep. I'm setting every alarm I can find tonight.

Less than 17 hours now.

Well, what have we here?

It appears your boss or client, most likely a female, is about to announce a surprise departure, and you will be distressed to hear this, for it looks like she was a strong supporter.

Hmm. Did I not recently post this as part of my September horoscope? Found out today that my team lead has interviews coming up this Thursday. She's interviewing for a position within the company, but not in our department. She's not leaving yet, but I won't be surprised if she's announcing that soon, because they'd be nuts not to hire her for the job she's interviewing for. And I'd be glad for her, because I know she's about done in where she is now, just like the rest of us. But if she's going to leave, I certainly hope I'll be moving on to better things, too, because I don't think I'd want to be where I am now without her.

So. Surprised? No. Glad for her and hoping she gets it? Yes. Want anything to do with staying put once she leaves? Hell, no. She's been such a good support for me, to all of us on our team, and I can't imagine anyone else filling that role.

We'll see what comes next.

About to crawl out of my skin

The closer my interview gets, the more wiggy I get. And coming to work doesn't help. My stomach hurt as I was driving in this morning because I dreaded coming in. I would have felt some dread anyway, but having taken Friday off made it worse - you never know what might blow up when you're out for (gasp!) a whole day.

My friend John says that at least this job is a paycheck. True. It helps if a paycheck covers *all* the bills, but I guess some is better than none.

But I so want something good to work out. I'm hoping it's this job in Waco, because it sounds like a job I'd be well suited for and it's the most immediate possibility of a way out. (If it didn't sound like something I'd like, I wouldn't even be considering it - I'm not moving somewhere to take a job that sucks.) If it's not this job in Waco, I hope whatever it is presents itself soon, because I'm not sure how much longer I can stand being here. I keep thinking of all the things I'd no longer have to do if I got the Waco job - no late nights, no proactive calls, no phone time, working somewhere where they actually pay your bar dues (no attorney occupation tax since it would be a government job), no paying for parking, no commute in Dallas traffic. If it's not meant to be mine, then I don't want it, and yeah, moving would be a colossal pain. But right now, I sure am hoping it's meant to be.

Interesting tidbits

Here are some selected bits from my September horoscope from Astrology Zone - eeeeeeenteresting.

The winds of change are again blowing, and you are about to experience a radical shift in your career. The first week of September will be fraught with tension as unexpected news about a professional matter comes your way. Oddly, the same week will also bring some of the month's very best aspects. This suggests that you will be quick to seize opportunities in the fluid situation that results - when you think all is lost, you will soon see that it's not. If you can, keep your wits about you.

With every "loss" there will be a corresponding gain, either immediately or in time. The eclipse family that occurred several months ago on March 14 brought news that will be advanced this month with the eclipses on September 7 and 22. Even more eclipses in the same sign are due again next March 2007. Don't view this month as the end of the changes but as one that will provide you with a bridge to walk over to get to new territory.

It looks like destiny has a plan for you. If you have been working long and hard, with too little reward or promise for a sound future, getting out of your current situation will be a blessing. It's time to clear out the dead wood that has weighed you down and wedged you between a rock and a hard place.

Uranus is the unconventional planet known to break bonds. So if you were bored, you can now find the excitement you seek. If you were treated unfairly by a cold, unfeeling boss or client, let them keep their old job or assignments - you will have none of that anymore. If you need to relocate to find or take advantage of better opportunities, you will have a chance to do that, too. Events will occur faster than you ever anticipated. Change is good, and of all signs, you know that!

The main event will be a lunar eclipse due on the full moon September 7 in your solar tenth house of professional status, plus or minus 4 - 7 days. You had a similar set of eclipses in March and September 1988, 1989, and to some degree, in 1998. Uranus, however, was not a prominent factor in those eclipses back then, so what happens now will not be carbon copies.

It appears your boss or client, most likely a female, is about to announce a surprise departure, and you will be distressed to hear this, for it looks like she was a strong supporter. [Note: If it's my higher-up manager, I'm not sure I'd classify her as a strong supporter. If it's my team lead, I certainly wouldn't be surprised.] Certainly if it is not this, something else will come up. If you were born within five days of June 5 or know you have Gemini rising near 15 degrees, you will feel this eclipse most powerfully.

A lunar eclipse will always put strong emphasis on the part of the chart ruled by Cancer, so we need to look at that, too. In this case, Cancer rules your natural second house of earned income and possessions, so you will likely see a source of income end and a new one begin. The tricky part is that with eclipses, the two events don't always dovetail perfectly. If you do lose a job (or quit one) and miss the income, jump on opportunities quickly.

There are other reasons that I feel that you will see some sort of massive change on the job front. Uranus will oppose the Sun two days prior to the eclipse, on September 5. This is an extreme aspect, and one that can cause a permanent riff, even an emotional scar afterwards. Be careful - look out the window but try not to be the one shouting out that window! You may have to count to ten to keep yourself from having a direct confrontation with an authority figure on September 5. This aspect caused Hurricane Katrina last year, as it fell at the end of August in 2005, but as you see it can have an emotional or physical manifestation.

There will be two superb days in the first week of September, too, as I alluded to at the start of your report. The first will come on September 3, when Mercury, your ruler, will send Jupiter a lovely missive. (Yes, the same day Mercury will be mad at Uranus!)

On September 6 an even more powerful aspect is due, when the Sun and Jupiter will combine energies. What a study of contrasts! We have some of the toughest aspects and some truly excellent ones, all coming on top of each other and overlapping in influence. When I mention a day, there is always a plus or minus tolerance to that day, so you see, this is quite a cake batter the universe is cooking up!

While all the changes are going on in your career, there appears to be lots happening on your home front, too. With Venus, Mercury, Mars, and the Sun there, plus a solar eclipse on September 22, your home or a member of your family will become almost an obsession. This eclipse is a good one, so the changes will be easier to take, and some may even be initiated by you.

If you are to feel this in a physical way, it appears you may reorganize your possessions, give things away (or sell them on eBay), and making your home shiny clean. (Planets touring Virgo always point to a hygienic approach.) You may also make plans to move or even relocate to a new part of the country, possibly for a new job. You may buy, sell, or rent a house, or redecorate the one you have now. You may plan structural work with a contractor or do repair work. New furniture or carpets may show up. All this would begin to ramp up just after the new moon solar eclipse, September 22.

If you are desperate to find a new apartment or house, you will find that ideal space just after the solar eclipse appears on September 22.

Eclipses will always end one path and open a new one. While it is never possible to go back to your old life after you have made your changes, in time you will see that the new life you are about to create will be more suitable to the person you have become.