Sunday, September 24, 2006

A mess

Today has just sucked. I went to return the Bluetooth headset that I got on Friday - I don't like it, don't feel comfortable wearing it, I'll just use the freebie handsfree that connects to the phone with a wire. I'd bought it at the T-Mobile store in Addison - went to the T-Mobile store in Mansfield today, because it's closer to home (I just happened to be close to Addison on Friday for the company picnic), and I was thoroughly pissed to find out that I had to return it to the store where I bought it. Great, so who knows when I'll be up that way next. I guess I can go this coming weekend since J will be with K, but driving nearly an hour there and an hour back isn't how I'd hoped to spend my limited time with Brian. So that irritated (irritates) me. Then of course I'd promised J a trip to Target if he was a good boy, thinking I'd have an extra $100 in my pocket. He was spectacularly good, so I had to make good on my promise - minus the $100. It was a much shorter shopping trip than I'd planned.

Missed getting to chat with Brian yesterday and today. I'm debating whether he needs to hear that if I'm important to him, he needs to act like it. He knows I'm down about not getting the job, and today when he knew I was out (I had time to send him one message as J and I were fixing to head out the door), he didn't even e-mail me. Granted, he was up at his office doing homework (since he has no computer at home) and setting stuff up for some work programs he has this week. But still - we'd missed each other on chat yesterday while he was up there, he'd said we'd try to chat today, we missed it today, and no e-mail? I think perhaps I need to kick him in the butt just a little. If I'm important to him, he should make the effort. (After feeling like I was taken totally for granted by K for so very long, that is one thing up with which I will not put.) I don't want to be bitchy, but neither do I want to be the last thing on the list of priorities. I know we aren't "serious" serious, but I also know that neither of us is seeing anyone else at the moment. So, I figure I should be just a little important.

And it feels like everything just makes me want to jump out of my skin. I adore J, I'd lay down my life for him, but sometimes he drives me absolutely bananas. There's a complete lack of respect for personal space - he follows me into the bathroom, into the shower (he doesn't get in, but he'll stand outside the door and carry on a conversation with me), he shoves things in my face (food, drink, etc.) when I've asked him repeatedly to stop. It feels like nothing is mine anymore, except the little bit of free time I get. He sleeps in my bed (and we wake up with wet sheets almost every morning, no matter how little we drink before bedtime, which means washing sheets every day and pee sometimes missing the waterproof pad and getting on my nice pillowtop mattress), so I don't get to sleep by myself, can't go in my bathroom and mill around after he's asleep (i.e., no nice relaxing bath), can't curl up in my bed and read a good book. I haven't practiced the piano in I don't know when, because every time I try, J wants to come play with me or tells me to stop. Nice that he's interested in music, but I can't get him to respect that sometimes I like to play by myself. Music is something that's very important to me, and I miss it. And does anyone else's child want them to watch the same little chunk of a video that they've seen 500 times, to the point that your child will come find you when a certain part is coming up and insist that you "come see!"? Or is it just mine?

Then I feel bad for feeling vexed, and I wonder if it's my fault he's doing some of these things. Is he seeking extra attention because K isn't here, am I not firm enough or consistent enough with boundaries, is there something else I'm doing wrong that I've never even considered.

And then there's work. Which sucks.

I could cry. Perhaps I need medication. Of course, the bad thing with that is, I understand that most of them wreck your sex drive (with the exception of Wellbutrin, which I've already tried - it helped for a while, and then not so much). Not like I have much of a sex life, but I've also never had much of a sex drive, and I don't want to destroy what little I have just on the off chance that it might come in handy sometime. That really would be depressing.

OK, time to go wrangle the monkey boy into bed. Here's hoping it won't be a two-hour-long bedtime - I don't think I'm up for that tonight.


A Mother's Serenity said...

Just telling you I am sorry you're in a rough patch Lisa. And YES my 4 yr old drives me absolutely bonkers sometimes. She feels the need to be RIGHT UP NEXT TO ME about 99% of the time and sometimes I just need space! LOL I am sorry Brian isn't being more attentive...I'd def. fill him in a bit baout how you're feeling!


Lisa said...

Thanks for the hugs, Holly. :-) Glad to know my 4-year-old isn't the only space and attention hog. LOL

As for Brian, sometimes it's kind of hard to know when to be more outspoken and when just to take things in stride - long distance sucks, and my previous dating/relationship experience has been fairly limited, anyway. Blech. You forget, after having been married for a while, that dating sucks rocks sometimes!