Friday, September 22, 2006

Trying to understand

I was able to hold it together until I got most of the way home, and then I just lost it. I've been a sobbing, screaming mess ever since. I mean, if I wasn't going to get it, why did I even get an interview? If I wasn't going to get it, I didn't WANT an interview, specifically so I wouldn't get my hopes up. Because let's face it, when you have an interview for a job you really want, it's hard *not* to get your hopes up and let yourself think just a little about the "what ifs" if you get the job. Why would my prayer be answered in the way that causes the maximum amount of pain - to get an interview and then be slammed? Why, why, WHY?! I don't understand it. What lesson am I supposed to take from this - that life sucks? Well, I knew that already, now didn't I? What am I supposed to gain from my suck-ass job where I feel like I'm on the verge of being fired just any time now? Am I just supposed to get that I'm still the butt of a giant cosmic joke?

And I wonder, too - Brian interviewed for a job here, didn't get it. I've interviewed for one there, didn't get it. Am I supposed to take from all of this that he and I aren't meant to ever end up in the same place? Seems a bit unfair to have that happen and never have the chance to really see where things might go, doesn't it? Oh, but life's not fair - we've already covered that.

I'd like to crawl in a hole and just not come out, but I've got to go get J. Gotta compose myself first. I'm sure I already look like a blowfish from all the crying.

And I like the idea of comfort food, but the actuality of food doesn't sound appealing in the least. So, if I'm too upset to eat, you know I'm in a bad state.


Katie said...

I'm sorry, Lisa. It just sucks when things are so hard for no apparent reason. I hope before long you'll be looking back on this from a much happier place, with some understanding.

Lisa said...

Thanks, Katie. I've got to keep hoping that, too. I know things happen when the time is right, it would just be so much easier to be patient if I had a clue as to when the right time might be.