Friday, September 22, 2006

Well, isn't that just a kick in the pants.

Looks like no new job for me. I called yesterday to touch base, see where the process stood - got voice mail, left a message. I had to pick up a lot of mail this morning, and I halfway figured there'd be a neg letter in there since I hadn't heard anything. There wasn't, so I was just the tiniest bit optimistic. Then I checked the Brazos River Authority website, and the staff counsel position was no longer listed.

Before anyone tells me that maybe the position had to be taken down after a certain time period, or maybe there's still hope, not to get too discouraged until I get official word, let me just say that the position was listed up until yesterday. I know there were a lot of applicants, so I doubt seriously that the position wasn't filled and they're just taking it down before relisting it. And I may never get official notice - so often these days, the only way you realize you weren't selected for a job is that you never hear anything from the employer. Tacky, sure. Would it be more professional to send rejection letters to all applicants to let them know? Absolutely. But it seems to be more and more the way of things that you're just left to your own devices to figure out that you weren't chosen for the job. So, I'm trying to accept the fact that the job isn't meant to be mine and move on. It's less painful that way than to keep holding out hope waiting for some official notice that may never come.

And why, why, why is nothing working out?! What in the world could be the reason that I'm stuck here at this Godforsaken job that keeps getting worse every time I turn around? How can it be part of the divine plan for me to be so miserable every time I come to work that I want to cry? How can it be part of the divine plan that I can barely stretch my resources to meet my obligations? How can it be part of the divine plan that my work stresses me out so much that that stress bleeds over into my home life and affects how I interact with J? Does anyone see anything GOOD in that?! I don't. I'm trying to get back into my spiritual life, trying to find a church, trying to get back into having a prayer life and a devotional time, really trying to seek God's will for my life. Things like this make it very hard to keep the faith that I'm trying to rebuild.

We have our company picnic today. Guess I've got to go put on a happy face until I'm done with that. Sucks, because what I'd really like to do is just go home and cry.

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