Noise

As I was walking back from my training class today, I went through the underground tunnels that connect parts of downtown Dallas. The particular tunnel I was walking through was deserted at the time, except for me. It was so quiet. I wanted to just sit there for a while and be silent and still. And it dawned on me - I'm never anywhere quiet, not really. At work, I'm surrounded by the hum of other people on the phone, copiers and printers whirring, people walking by my cube and talking, telephones ringing. It really is quite noisy, and makes me tired. At home J is fairly noisy when he's awake, but it's usually good noise (unless he's having a fit). Still noise, though. And when he's asleep, I'm surrounded by house noise - the dishwasher running, the washing machine humming, every once in a while the TV or stereo going. I've been reading a book called The Dance of the Dissident Daughter - very interesting reading, it's about a woman's spiritual journey from the conservative Christian tradition she grew up in (Southern Baptist, like me) to a reconnection with the sacred feminine. I see a lot of myself and my mother in the book, but reading it has been making me feel like I somehow fall short, because I don't feel a pull from the Divine, right now I don't really feel much of a connection with anything like that. And today I realized - how can I ever hear a still, small voice when I'm never still and never quiet? I'm really thinking that my time to myself should really be primarily for *myself*, and not for building up any kind of active social life at this point. I need the quiet, if only to recharge from the stress of dealing with people, people, people all week long. And perhaps in the process, I can find my soul again. I think it's hiding right now.